make mine a double espresso...

• aftermath...

  Posted: July 12, 2009, 1:16 am by kahawaMoto

  After
  heartache
  countless-
  regrets
  insecurities
  retarded-
  obsession
  wanting
  needing
  alcohol-
  binging
  her
  heartbreak
  him
  rumours
  calls
  texts
  letters
  songs
  cuddles
  cigarettes
  birth…
  control
  fights
  blood
  bruises
  you
  me
  hate
  tears
  laughter
  sweat
  fears
  lies
  sex
  love…
  
  The loneliness kills me.

• what matters

  Posted: July 12, 2009, 4:25 am by kahawaMoto

  I went upcountry yesterday. Me, my mom and my father figure. It was amazing. I hadn't been in almost two years.
  
  
  My cucu* broke down because she was so happy to have lived to see me grown. Me, her and my mom hugged for the longest time as she said a quick prayer. We were all crying. Three generations of first born daughters. (cliche line coming up) at that moment, there's no where else i'd have rather been... i felt completely content.
  
  I finally got to see youngest cousin. now one year, six months. The last time i saw him, his mother was not even pregnant with him. He likes eating raw peas. He can't chew that well yet so i chewed them up, one at a time and fed them to him. He walks around with the pods in his pocket. He gave me one pod.
  
  Me and my mom and cucu walked through the shamba. She complained about the lack of rain. The sukuma wiki* didn't grow fully, the tomatoes had withered, so had the carrots and beans. The only thing that was doing well were the miraa* trees planted randomly around the farm. Mom taught me and cucu how to chana*. Cucu thinks it's too bitter. I do too. I'd rather stick to my potions and herbs. There's a male calf tethered at one side of the farm. He doesn't go grazing with the other cows because he gets aggresive and eats the neighbours' crops. He is my calf. I told cucu that he's probably just misunderstood.
  
  At the end of the farm, we get to the gravesite. My uncle passed away in 2005 while my mitu* passed away in 2006. Me and my mom tidy up the graves while cucu sits on a bench nearby. Her arthritis won't let her stand for long periods. She says she wants to be buried next to my uncle. Her first son. My mom talks to her brother as if he were there. I removed some dried up leaves from mitu's grave. That was when my cousin the one i mentioned earlier was brought to us by his mom. Cucu holds him and cries.
  
  We talk, we laugh, we eat, we cry. Mom has to make a phone call. I oil and comb cucu's hair before we take photos. Cucu loves having her picture taken. Soon it's time to go. Father figure is back to drive us back to Nairobi. We hug, i tell cucu i'll be back in november. She tells me she'll pray everyday till then.
  
  
  cucu* -grandmother
  sukuma wiki* -kale
  miraa* -khat
  chana* -chew khat
  mitu* -great grand mother

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes