cdohnio.blogspot.com
-
Small update: I've enabled Disqus comments
Posted: July 26, 2011, 8:24 pm by cdooh
-
Weird keywords that lead poeple to my blog
Posted: July 25, 2011, 11:39 am by cdooh
So I was randomly checking out my analytics-something I do to make sure at least one person has checked what I've written- and noticed among the reports the search engine Keyword traffic the most hilarious thing. Some one googled "I'm in Kenya, I want a girlfriend" and landed on my blog.
This got my thinking about what this person was thinking when googling this and the post he may have landed at. I decided to do a whole post on the Keywords that had landed people on my blog.A girl asked me to come to her room at night - I really can't imagine how exactly this lead to my blog, I mean sure I've spent my share time in girls rooms at night but I've never done any posts on it...yet.
fucking.younglive.priveta.com -This one was obviously looking for porn of some sort. I'm guessing, by the way the link looks, he/she was trying to get on one of those webcam site. Don't ask me how I know, it's an educated guess.
guava kisumu - Uhmmm, what? Really? Weirdly this query also had one of the highest times spent on the site. I love guavas by the way, reminds me my childhood stealing fruits from the nun seminary next to our hood. They had a rather vicious dog. Funny times!!
i've been papped - I know exactly where this one landed, here. I don't even wanna think of the context of this search. Had she(I'm relatively sure it's a she) just had a romp and thought to search for similar stories? I'm not sure but it's a lot of fun to imagine.
kenyan women who want call boys - Self-explanatory search term, Dear googler, if you come back may I suggest Adult Friend Finder.
puting susu angelina joulie - This is NASTY!!!! if it's what I think it is.
'what are kenyan women like' - This searcher must have landed on this post.I get a lot of heat for that post. I still stick to my hypothesis though because it works...well. I think if the person who did this search took my advice I think he was well served.
So those are the more interesting searches that landed on my blog. Something else that shocks me in my analytics is where the traffic to my site is coming from; while Kenya is still obviously my number one traffic source number 2 is USA and number three....France!!!! Yeah!!! We're on every continent!! See the map below for overall traffic to my blog for the last year:
The greener parts have heavier traffic. Also in the last week Ukraine has brought in the 3 most traffic! Hallo Ukraine!!**WAVES** I love you! #Nohomo. Peace!!!! -
Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Conclusion
Posted: July 22, 2011, 10:34 am by cdooh
First I'd like to thank Sgyreju for allowing me to put up her posts on my blog and I'm sure all of you thank her too. She wrote them almost a year ago but the ideas and questions she asks are priceless and I'll continue to cherish them forever. Second this is an edited conclusion of what has been a very fun week of posts that Sgyreju originally had on her blog. It contain mostly her thoughts interspersed with mine.
Questioning does not have to be about changing everything. It is about asking questions one does not usually think of asking, about not being content with assumptions, but trying to figure out the truth. About knowing yourself. The conclusion of the questioning process can very well be that one was right about oneself.
Questioning may also not always end in clear answers. Accepting that this is all right is not easy, but it is important to do so. Sometimes it is better to acknowledge that one is confused than to try to stick to an identity which does not fit any more. Sometimes it takes time, and finding more information, in order to figure things out.
Questioning does not have to be merely about sexual orientation or identity – it can, and should be, be about anything, like social norms for instance. There are many things we do not do even though doing them would not harm anyone, either directly or indirectly just because they are social norm. Maybe we would discover that other people do not actually care so much when we do not follow all the social expectations.(this is actually true I once walked into a super market with multi coloured platform shoes and no one seemed to give a fuck!!!) And if they do care, maybe that would be a good opportunity to tell them about questioning.
The key point of questioning is awareness. One cannot question something if one cannot imagine another possibility. One cannot question something that has always appeared unquestionable. It is therefore very important for all minority orientations, identities, and practices to be visible, so that people know they exist and are able to include them in their list of possibilities when they try to figure out who they are. Conversely, it is useless to know about those possibilities if one does not know that everyone, including them, can (and maybe should) engage in some questioning from time to time, that things are not always certain, and that what once was one way may now be another.
It's best to question things that confuse you and see if you could get honest answers about what you think and feel about various things that you've always taken for granted. Peace!! -
Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 7 Gender
Posted: July 21, 2011, 10:21 am by cdooh
Gender is something I have only begun to think about very recently, and I still have work to do in order to understand better where I stand in relation to it. But, even though I have only been exploring my own gender identity for about three months, I had known for a while longer that it is quite a complex matter.The first thing to know is the difference between sex and gender. While sex is a biological fact, gender is an identity; it is about how one perceives oneself. For a long time, I did not know about gender; this is not a widely known concept in mainstream France (recently, someone I know wrote a survey with a question about “gender”. She told me her professors had said it was the politically correct word to use for questions about biological sex.). I knew about transsexual people, but I only knew about them as “people who feel they were born in the wrong body and need to change their biological sex”. As to myself, my being a girl was just a fact, like my height or my birth date – a fact about me I had no control about, and which meant even less to me than my height or my birthdate do – and I could not imagine it mattering at all.
I eventually discovered the concept of gender, and came to understand it, but for a long time, I did not think much about my own gender. I knew I was not transgender or neutrois, and until recently I was not aware that there were other possible gender identities. More important, I was not aware that gender is something that does matter to most people. But lately I have been spending more time on the gender subforum on AVEN, and reading the threads there made me realize how much some people care about their gender identity – how important it is to them to be perceived as their real gender, and not as their biological sex. Some of the things I read there made me realize that it might be a good idea to explore my own gender identity. I am still working on it, as I have not had as much time as I wished to think about such matters lately, but so far I have understood that my biological sex means nothing to me. I do not feel male or wish to be male, but I do not feel particularly female either, even though my biological sex is female. In my head, I am neither male nor female – I cannot relate to either identity. But I wish I could adapt my gender expression to the circumstances – play a female part one day, and a male part another, and be just myself – and not be perceived as female by others, but as neither male nor female – most of the time. I doubt such a thing is possible, though, so as it does not distress me to be perceived as female, I have not yet tried to change anything (I do enjoy it when someone addresses me as though I were male, though, simply because it is not the obvious assumption).I cannot write much more on the topic yet, as I have only began to explore it myself. I hope to be able to gain a better understanding of my gender identity in the months to come, since I should now have the time to think about it. I will certainly keep you posted.
This is the last post in the series, tomorrow's post I'll be putting some of Sgyreju's conclusions on questioning week as well as my own. I'll even have a talk with her if any of her views have changed. Stay tuned for that and check out her blog. Peace!!! -
Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 6 Friends or Lovers
Posted: July 20, 2011, 10:19 am by cdooh
Most people divide relationships with people who do not belong to their family in only two categories: friends and romantic partners. A specific set of expectations and “normal behavior” is associated with each category, and transgressions are frowned upon: One is not supposed to kiss one’s friends, or hold hands with them, for instance, but on the other hand, it is not considered “normal” not to kiss or have sex with one’s romantic partner.Interestingly, the strong limit between friendship and romantic relationship has been bent a little – and by sex.
I am talking, of course, of the so-called “friends with benefits”. True, that kind of relationship has not entered the norm and is not exactly widely accepted (most references I have found to it in the mainstream culture were negative), but at least it is known.So that got me thinking: if it is possible to have a kind of friendship which includes one element from romantic relationship (sex), why not try to make up other kinds? What about friendship with the same kind of emotional involvement, support, and care for the other person as is expected in romantic relationships?Ever since I got over the whole friends/lovers view of relationships, I have been interested in exploring new kinds of friendship further. I think there are so many possibilities there – that if the people involved care to build a relationship based on their specific connection and needs, there could be as many different friendships as there are people.I am involved in two non-typical friendships, and they are very different – but then again, my two friends are very different. They are both guys, and that is about the only thing they have in common. One is someone I have known for a bit less than five years, and have had a strong bond with nearly from the moment we met; the other is someone I met more recently, and the connection took longer to build and, in fact, took me completely by surprise when it did.My relationship with the first guy actually confused me for a long time, and it is because of it that I eventually understood the need to get over narrow relationship definitions such as “either friends or lovers”. I felt comfortable with him from the start; I enjoyed our long and easy conversations, his warm affection and generous understanding, and very much admired the way he could dedicate himself so completely to things he really cared about. When I met him, I knew no other way to be close to someone than to be romantically involved with them, so of course I wanted to date him. I also loved him – something I had never experienced for anyone until then, and assumed to be romantic love because I did not believe that there was any higher kind of love.We ended up not dating (we considered it, but I eventually called it off when I realized that he wanted more than I was ready for), but becoming close friends instead. For years afterwards, that closeness, and the love I still felt, confused me greatly. How could I love him so much but not be in love with him? But, if I was in love with him, then why had I – twice – refused to consider dating him? Eventually, I realized that love did not always mean romantic love, and that love did not always require a romantic relationship to be expressed.For a while, I tried to find a word to describe him better than “friend” – because I have other friends, and what I feel for them is nowhere close to what I feel for him. I finally realized that what I felt for him was close to what I feel for a female cousin who is about my age and with whom I grew up and am still close to. So I decided to refer to him as my cousin (he had once jokingly introduced me as his sister, probably in order to deflect possible assumptions that we were dating). I am not yet fully comfortable talking about him in those terms with people who do not know about our special friendship, but with people who know the whole story, it is very easy to say “my male cousin” and refer to my childhood companion as “my female cousin” (I do have a male cousin, but he is much older and I do not know him well enough to ever talk about him with people who do not know him).My second non-typical friendship began as a typical one, and when it moved into new territories I had already replaced the traditional views of love and relationships with my own understanding of them. As a consequence, it was much easier to adjust to my growing love for this guy, without ever misunderstanding it for romantic love. I never wanted to date him, but only hoped to build a non-typical friendship with him; as he is an aromantic asexual, he is very open to non-typical friendships, and the fact that I am also an aromantic asexual reassured him that we did want the same things and mean the same things when the word “love” was mentioned (meaning non-romantic love). At some point, I also began feeling that “friend” did not describe him accurately anymore, and I eventually asked his permission to describe him as my non-romantic significant other (as “significant other”, before meaning “romantic partner”, simply refered to a person who was very influential in someone’s life, and he certainly has been that for me).Both of those friendships are long-distance relationships, although one is way more long-distance than the other, as my “cousin” lives in another country, and actually on another continent (but for a year, we lived in the same town and attended the same university, and our friendship grew during that time). I do wish sometimes that one or both of my special friends lived near Paris like me, and that I could take a walk with one of them sometimes, or invite him to my place for dinner and a long evening of discussion on every possible topic. But the Internet makes it easy for me to communicate with them, so I only miss them when they are not online for a while.Although, as I said, these two non-typical friendships are very different, there are some common points between the two relationships. First, I love those guys, I do not merely like them very much (which is how I describe my feelings for my closest other friends); I could not tell how I make the difference between the two, but it is obvious to me – I could never mistake one feeling for the other. Both are people I trust and can confide in; I have told each of them things I have never told anyone else (if the two of them ever met and exchanged information about me, what they would put together would represent nearly exactly everything there is to know about me). I value their opinions more than anyone else’s, mostly because they know me better than anyone else. I know that I can tell them anything, and they will understand it right away, which is not the case with other people, not even my parents, even though I am quite close to them.I also value my friendships with them more than my other friendships, simply because I am much more emotionally involved in them than in my other friendships. It often seems to me that with those two guys’ support, I could do anything. They both bring so much to my life, and in turn I want to give more to them than I am usually willing to give anyone.Often, when I describe this to other people, they tell me that I am in love, that this is what a romantic relationship is like at heart. It always greatly annoys me, because I do not think this is the same at all. If I described the same relationships as romantic relationships, I am quite certain that most people would tell me that they are not romantic relationships at all, but friendships! I would say that they are neither, but since they have both grown out of friendships, I prefer describing them as special friendships; I do not think that “romantic friendship” would be appropriate here, as I tend to understand it to mean a friendship including behavior usually associated with romantic relationships, like kissing or holding hands, and there is none of that in my two special friendships. They are not “committed friendships” either, as no formal commitments have been made, and indeed those friendships are not exclusive; my “cousin” will certainly get married and have children some day, while my non-romantic significant other has other friends who mean as much to him as I do (and of course, I am involved in two special friendships at once!).As my “cousin” is not asexual or aromantic, and tends to understand relationships in the traditional way, I do not think that I am likely to explore non-typical relationships further with him. But with my non-romantic significant other, and maybe some day (I hope) with other open-minded people, I do have a chance of defining new kinds of friendships. It is quite exciting, and now that I am aware of such possibilities, I confess that I cannot see the appeal of a typical romantic relationship anymore.
Comment then go check out her blog here. Peace!! -
Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 5 Relationships
Posted: July 19, 2011, 10:18 am by cdooh
Very often, people use the word “relationship” to refer to romantic relationships – just as they use the word “love” to refer to romantic love. It rather annoys me to see those words trapped into one of their specific meanings, especially as this specific meaning is not one I can relate to. So, be warned – in this blog, “relationship” refers to all kinds of relationships, and “love” refers to all kinds of love.And in fact, I will certainly write much more about all the non-romantic kinds of relationships and love than about the romantic ones.
It bothers me that romantic love and romantic relationships are now considered the main and most important kinds of love and relationships, so much that it is necessary to specify that one is not talking about romantic love or romantic relationships in order to be understood when trying to discuss the other kinds. I have nothing against romantic love and romantic relationships – I do not seek them and I consider both highly overrated and the product of social and cultural conditioning, but I respect the fact that they are real and important to other people – but I wish they did not push the other kinds into the shadows so much.Most of the time, it seems to me that romantic relationships are considered to be the only valuable kinds of relationships. Whenever I hear someone saying that they fear they will remain single, the main reason they are afraid appears to be that they do not want to “die alone” or “grow old alone”. But who says that they have to? Are romantic partners the only people likely to stay by their side? No. Nothing actually prevents friends from staying by their friends all through their lives – nothing, except the fact that it is not what is expected of them. Friendship is not considered to imply the same kind of long-term commitments romantic relationships do, even though some friendships last much longer than some romantic relationships – I know many people who have a best friend they have known since childhood, but none so far who have a romantic partner they have known for so long. Of course, maybe that is because most of the people I know are younger than thirty and, thus, are very unlikely to have had the same romantic partner for a longer time than they have known their childhood friends.Very few people put the same expectations into their friendships as they do into their romantic relationships – and ever fewer are ready to fulfil the same expectations for their friends as for their romantic partners. They obviously wish some kind of long-term, permanent connection to someone, but since romantic relationships are expected to provide that, they do not turn to other relationships in order to get that connection if they have no romantic partner. And even if they did consider it, even if they were willing to put that kind of energy and dedication into a friendship rather than a romantic relationship, they would not dare try it, because they would not believe that any of their friends would be willing to do the same – they would expect their friend not to give so much of themself as they would be willing to, or to withdraw it in order to give it to a romantic partner the day they get one.This makes me sad. I wish that all kinds of relationships – not just romantic ones – could be highly valued by the people involved, no matter what kind of relationship they are.One of the reasons romantic relationships are so highly valued, I think, is that people expect their romantic partner to fulfil most of their social and emotional needs – to be someone they can plan the future with, and also have fun; someone they can share activities with, who will always understand them and support them, and so on. Basically, finding such a person would mean not needing another person anymore. Besides the fact that being so dependent on another person seems more scary than appealing to me, I dislike this ideal because it seems totally unrealistic.Rather, I very much like the idea of relying on several different people for fulfilling one’s emotional and social needs. For instance, I do not engage in the same activities with all my friends, and I like it that way. I also like the fact that I do not have the same emotional connection to all of them, that we do not discuss the same things and that I do not behave the same way with all of them; I never play a part or pretend to be someone I am not, I simply do not show the same facet of myself to everyone. While only two of my friendships are truly deep and close, none of the others are casual (or else, I would not refer to these people as “friends”) and they are all important to me. Maybe my two close friendships fulfil more of my emotional needs, but that does not mean that I am not emotionally involved in the other ones.I also dislike the idea of needing only one person to fulfil one’s needs, because I have never been looking for people to fulfil my needs (they are pretty low in the first place, and only grow when a relationship develops and more than fulfils the needs I have) – I have met them by chance, and those friendships often developed without my expecting them to (especially the most emotionally involving ones). Why should I have refused to let the second one develop, for the only reason that I already had one close friendship? Why should I have put an end to the first one in order to allow the second one to grow? My having a second close friend did not weaken my relationship to the first one. They are two very different people, and my relationships with them are totally different as well; I enjoy both, and would not want to choose between them. And if I ever were so lucky as to develop a close friendship with a third person, I would not give up any of the first two either. This is not a matter of competition; just as my social and emotional needs grow as I develop new sources of fulfilment through new or deepening friendships, the affection and attention I can offer my friends also grow with my friends’ needs for them. I am quite certain there are limits somewhere, but as my friends are not that numerous yet, I am quite sure I have a long way to go before I reach them.Once, I wrote on AVEN, on a thread about polyamory, that I did not think I could be polyamorous, as I did not need more than one person to fulfil my emotional needs. I was mistaken about this for two reasons: 1) I had not yet become aware that I was aromantic, and 2) I had only one very close friend at the time, and never dreamed that I would ever be so lucky as to have another one. Now I do, and I realize that I really have no need for a romantic partner in order to feel loved, cared for, and supported, or to love, care for, and support another person – and that, while each of these two friendships alone would make me very happy, having both makes me even happier.I was right about one thing, though: I could not be polyamorous, as I am aromantic. But I am polyemotional. I do not need several deep emotional connections to be happy, but I do not wish to limit myself to one when I am fortunate enough to have an opportunity for two. And both my friends, although they do not know each other, know about my close friendship with the other, and are happy for me. One of them has other close friends that he values as much as he values me, while the other will certainly get married someday. I am fine with both. I certainly do not believe that I am awesome enough that they should need no-one else beside me, and knowing how happy these two friendships make me, I can only wish them the same happiness (or happiness of a similar kind, for the one who wants to get married).I am not saying that people seeking romantic relationships should give up and be content with friendship. What matters is not the kind of relationship one is involved in, but how satisfying they are. Rather than clinging to a relationship label, I would suggest they make a list of what they want from other people (for me, it would be mutual trust, understanding, fun, support, affection, among other things; for other people, it could also include great sex, romantic weekend getaways, someone to make plans and build a future with, someone to raise a child with, or someone to sail across the Atlantic with) and try to find that – not focusing on the context in which they get it, but simply on who can give it to them. They could be surprised.And I would also suggest to remain open to what people have to offer, even if it was not on the list. I never thought I wanted someone to remind me of my dreams, show me the signs and push me into the right direction when I am confused about what to do with my life. And yet, now, I am glad I have him – for this and for many other things.
All I can say is...and go check out her blog. PEACE!!! -
Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 4 Love
Posted: July 18, 2011, 10:10 am by cdooh
I did not always identify as aromantic.For a long time, I did believe in the whole romantic myth that one is truly happier with a romantic partner, and I wished for one. I longed for the time when I would finally live those idealized shared moments with my beloved: having breakfast together, taking long walks hand in hand, talking about everything and anything for hours, kiss passionately like in my favorite love scenes in movies…Each of my attempts at romance destroyed those ideals.
My first attempt convinced me that romantic gestures (offering flowers, for instance) are often not done out of a genuine desire to please the other person, but dictated by conventions which force people (whether they are actually in love with their partner, wish they were, or only want to appear to be) to act the part. The second one showed me that a close friendship was as rewarding a relationship as I could wish, and that there was no need for more. The third attempt finally made me realize that I did not want a romantic relationship, but only some of the things that are associated with it – and not enough of those to want to make a romantic relationship worth all the trouble that came with it.Once again, the problem was that I did not want a romantic relationship for itself, but for everything that I had always seen associated with it. And it is hard to avoid those associations. Romantic love (like sex) is everywhere – in advertising, in fiction, in magazines. It is usually equated with happiness (very few books or movies have a happy ending which does not include the main characters being romantically involved) and represented as one of the most important personal achievements; the idea is that finding true, mutual romantic love is pretty much the most desirable event that can happen in someone’s life.Of course, I wanted to be happy. And I had low self-esteem for a long time, so when I daydreamed about finding romantic love, I imagined finding someone who would see something valuable in me, who would love me for who I am, even though I did not really believe that could ever happen.I am not sure I know exactly how I got over that. I remember two moments, both related to the person who was involved in my third and last romantic attempt, but I had had thoughts about aromanticism before, although I do not remember them very clearly. The first of those two moments happened when I realized I was interested in him, and thought he was not and would never be. I was very upset for a few days, and then I told myself it was ridiculous to hope for something that would never happen and to only get unhappiness out of it. I reminded myself that I had friends who did care about me and value me, parents (and a dog) who loved me. I vowed to stop daydreaming about romantic relationships and to dedicate my energy to being a good friend, someone my friends could count on. Then, I found out that this guy was in fact interested in me – very much so – and immediately I forgot my resolutions. Until about a week before seeing him again, when doubts began creeping in. I told myself I was a coward, afraid of change, and went to meet him. About one hour after, I realized it was a mistake and ran away (no, not because I had anything to fear from him – I was perfectly safe -, just because I really did not want to be there and could not bear it one more second).It turned out that this guy was not a suitable partner for me, for several reasons. But I also realized that I was not suited to romantic relationships. The first time he mentioned a future visit (before I had actually gone to meet him and ran away), I felt trapped and pressured. I also realized that becoming romantically involved with him came with expectations that I was not sure I wanted to fulfil. It was all going too fast, I was no longer in control (not to say that he was; rather, the romantic relationship we were building was), I could no longer do my own thing… It was unbearable.Going from one near-extreme to another, I have become rather cynical about romantic love. I now tend to say that romantic love probably does not actually exist, but that we are conditioned to want it and believe in it by our environment. I do believe in love in general – I love my parents, I love my dog, I love two of my friends -, just not in romantic love. To me, romantic love is just love with added expectations and behavior – both things which do not suit me, so I have opted out. I do value love very highly, but to me, romantic love is overrated.
Let the author know what you think about her views on love, in the comment section below. You also find her blog here. Peace!! -
Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 3 Sex
Posted: July 17, 2011, 10:12 am by cdooh
Sex is a complex matter. It is hard to define – for some people, only genital penetration counts; for others, anything involving someone’s genitals is sex. It also has several meanings: an expression of romantic love, a fun activity, a way to experience pleasure, a way to prove one’s worth… and many more. Some use it as a means of pressure (withholding sex in punishment or offering sex as a reward in order to obtain something), while others plan strategies to obtain it.One of the reasons why it can be so difficult sometimes to come out as asexual is that most people cannot imagine that some people might not want sex. It is assumed to be a universal truth that “everyone wants sex”. Yes, there are a few exceptions – deeply religious people, artists and scientists so committed to their life’s work that they are aware of nothing else, victims of sexual abuse – but those only prove that the rule holds: Everyone, except people who have very good reasons not to, wants sex.
But does it mean that they all want the same kind of sex? I doubt it. Many people have strong ideas on what is “right sex” and what is “wrong sex”, based on religious, moral, legal, and health reasons, or simply the idea that it should be done with the “right person” and when it “feels right”. But what if, in some cases, the “right sex” is no sex? Well, it appears that, for some people, even the “wrong” kind of sex is more acceptable than no sex. A bi-asexual woman told me that she first came out to her mother as bi, and later as asexual. Her mother’s reaction at the first coming out was negative, but she reacted to the second one by saying “I liked it better the time you told me you liked girls”.I am not sure I understand why people (supposedly) want sex so much. Besides biological reasons like having a sex drive, I assume it is partly because it feels great, but mostly I think it is because of the many meanings that people associate with it. This is why I wanted sex before I discovered I was asexual. I wanted the wonderful, perfect love-making that romance novels describe; I did not want actual sex, but only an idealized representation of it. I wanted the full experience of love and shared pleasure, but there was no-one I had ever actually wanted it with. I never wondered about it, because I thought those kinds of desires only happened with the “right person”, and as whatever feelings I might have had in the past had never been returned, I was not surprised I had never experienced such desires. And yet, the actual sex acts disgusted me. Whenever I read about them, in biology class (I never had a sex ed class, only biology classes dealing with puberty, human reproduction, birth control, and STDs) or the rare times curiosity made me look for sex ed information online (I was over 19 the first time that happened), I felt uncomfortable and sick. The only reason why I still wanted the perfect lovemaking from romance novels was that, in my mind, they were two totally different things. The day I finally forced myself to accept that they were basically the same thing, only described in two very different ways, my romantic ideal of lovemaking collapsed and I never desired it again.Maybe other people desire sex, not for the sake of getting body parts in contact, but for the sake of what sex means to them. It can be a way to express love or share something special with a romantic partner. It can be a way to feel good or have fun. It can be a way to raise their self-esteem. Sex has none of those meanings for me, though. I am aromantic and dislike physical touch in general, so I cannot relate to the idea of expressing love that way (although it would certainly be something really special and quite a gift to the other person to be able to want that kind of touch from them), and I can think of several other ways that would be more meaningful to me. There are many activities I enjoy that make me feel good; from what I heard, sex is even better, but as I do not know what exactly I am missing, I cannot really miss it, can I? As to self-esteem, I do not base it on my attractiveness to others, so getting laid would do nothing for it.But wanting sex is not enough – people who do want sex do not want it with every person of their prefered gender(s) that they meet. There has to be some sexual attraction too – and that is the other thing that makes people want to have sex. I have never experienced sexual attraction, but I know what it is to want something very much, so I can try to imagine wanting someone in a sexual way being like wanting a gorgeous high-end laptop (yes, I know, the comparison is weird). It is not something I can really control – most of them do not catch my attention, while looking at some others or reading their technical specifications make me immediately think I want that one and start imagining how it would be to have it (how it would look on my desk, how well The Sims 3 would run on it, and so on). That makes me wonder, though, if someone who could experience sexual attraction but did not relate to any of the other reasons to want sex would actually have sex in the end or not (admitting that the other person involved was interested in having sex with them). After all, I still see some laptops that I want, but my current laptop does everything I need and more, so I do not actually want to get one of them; the attraction is there, but I do not wish to act on it.Becoming aware I was asexual required to work out where I stood on both aspects (wanting sex and experiencing sexual attraction – the answer was no to both). But I do not think that not wanting sex is a natural consequence of not experiencing sexual attraction. I have talked to asexual people involved in romantic relationships with non-asexual people and who had sex with their partners, not as a sacrifice or a chore, but as something enjoyable they did want to do, although not for the reasons most other people have sex (usually, their reason was that they knew it was important to their partner). Asexual people may also want to have sex for the purpose of experimenting – to see what all the fuss is about, what it is really like. But at the time, even though I had read the official definition of asexuality, I was convinced that one could not actually want sex and be asexual (so, when I once wondered if I might not want sex after all, in some specific circumstances, I first had to get over the fear of not being asexual anymore in order to really explore the matter).It seems to me that many non-asexual people just take their own desire to have sex for granted, and do not think about it much. Maybe it is easier for people who lack one of the two kinds of incentives to have sex (sexual attraction) to think about the other one (the meaning one can attribute to having sex, and which is, for me, the main reason why people actually have sex). From what I have heard, some strategies that asexual people in romantic relationships with non-asexuals use to deal with the whole “you don’t desire me so you don’t love me” issue is to discuss the fact that sex does not have the same meaning for them. And, if stories I’ve heard of people having sex with someone and thinking it meant they were a couple while for the other person it simply meant having fun are any indication, maybe non-asexual people would have an easier time dealing with each other over sex if they tried to figure out what their motivations for having sex are, and discuss them (preferably before having sex).Excellent post, don't you think? Drop the author a line in the comments and on her blog. Peace! -
Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 2 Questioning Your Identity Is Good for You
Posted: July 16, 2011, 10:08 am by cdooh
I will not lie to you: Questioning one’s identity is scary.The evening of June 4, 2006, when I finally became aware that I probably was not heterosexual as I had always assumed, and the night that followed were, at the time, the scariest moments of my life. Now, four years later, they have only been pushed to second place by another evening that I do not want to talk about (and anyway, it has nothing to do with asexuality or any of the other matters that I wish to discuss in my Petri Dish).Why is questioning scary? Because it requires accepting that some things one believed in and thought unquestionable are, in fact, not certain at all. It means accepting that one may not know oneself as well as one thought. The first time it happens, it can be quite a difficult experience – it certainly was for me.
It can be difficult especially if one considered oneself to follow the norm in something, and suddenly realizes that it may not be the case after all. For some people, accepting that one might divert from the norm is very difficult. There is something comforting in fitting in, in being like everyone else. People who are different in some way (whether it is sexual orientation, dietary choices, religious beliefs, reading preferences, or pretty much anything else) are often asked to justifiy their difference to others. Their difference is also often assumed to be playing a part in pretty much anything unpleasant that may happen to them.(An example? The keyboard layout used in France is AZERTY; I, however, use the Swiss-French one (QWERTZ) for personal convenience when I need to type in French. So, at work, although I have a standard-issue AZERTY keyboard, I changed the Windows input language settings to QWERTZ; I know that layout well enough that I don’t need to look at the keyboard to type. People only know about my unusual keyboard layout preference because they run into difficulties when they try to show me something on my computer and happen to have to type, or when I need to use a different computer and stare at the keyboard in order to find punctuation marks instead of typing like a machine-gun like I usually do, and thus have to explain that sudden slowness to whoever happens to be witnessing this pitiful typing performance. I cannot count the number of times I have had to explain (usually several times to the same person) why exactly I use that layout and how come I find it easier to use than the usual AZERTY, and my use of that layout has been blamed for every issue I may have run into with my work computer, especially authentication issues (and it always turned out that my password had been typed correctly and that the cause of the problem was elsewhere). And this is nothing compared to what I hear when people find out that I am a vegetarian…)For me, when I first wondered if I might be asexual, my problem was not to accept the possibility of diverting from the norm (I had been doing that all my life) but the fear that I was not really asexual and only wishing to be in order to be different. First I had to get over thoughts such as “you’re not anything special, what makes you think you can be part of a one-in-a-hundred minority?” in order to fully accept that, yes, I was different. The issue was not wanting to be like everyone else: it was the possibility of wanting so much to be different that I might be making it all up.But this first questioning experience opened the door to others. Realizing that some things could be questioned allowed me to question others later on, and to get to know and understand myself better. The following questioning experiences became easier, too. I wish I had become open enough to question everything on principle, but I am not there yet. So far, I have questioned the so-called universal truth that everyone is interested in sex, the idea that romantic love is the most desirable feeling one can have for another person, traditional relationship models that follow the friends/lovers binary, and pretty much everything I thought I knew about gender. I may have not fully figured myself out yet, and at the start each questioning process may have been a bit upsetting, but in the end, I feel better trying to really understand who I am and who I want to be, rather than remaining stuck in a mold that may not exactly hurt me, but which does not exactly fit me either.
Having a comment for the author? Drop a line in the comments and I'll make sure the author gets to hear about it or you could go check out her blog here. Peace! -
Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 1: What Exactly Happened on June 4, 2006
Posted: July 15, 2011, 10:03 am by cdooh
Since today is the fourth anniversary of the evening during which I realized I needed to reconsider my assumed and never questioned heterosexuality, I thought I might as well tell the story of what exactly happened then.I had a LiveJournal account in which I wrote regularly – and there are entries about that event. The first one was published at 10:18PM that night, which means that the event happened before.
I remember writing a journal entry (which I intended to share with my LJ friends) about movies – more specifically, the different ways one could like a movie, comparing them with the different ways to relate to a person (an old favorite being like a childhood friend, for instance). I was really getting into this idea, and thinking about a specific movie, I wrote something like “And with some movies, it is like being in love with a woman” (I cannot get the exact quote, as I deleted that draft later on that night). Then I realized what I had written, and alarm bells went off.Now, I had never, ever considered the possibility of being in love with a woman. I had liked boys, so I had always assumed I was straight, and never questioned that. I would not, I think, have had a problem with discovering I liked girls rather than boys (my parents had always told me that it would be fine if I did), but I did not know it was possible to like bothboys and girls. I did not know much about bisexuality and I thought (incorrectly) that it was only about sex, not about feelings. And I had never really thought about sex in relation to specific people – I only thought about sex as something that would happen some day, but did not imagine I might desire it with a specific person in the present. So I could not relate to liking men and women for sex only.At first, I wanted to erase the sentence. Then I thought that I had no reason to be ashamed of it, but added something like “well, I suppose so, as I have never been in love with a woman”. But it did not ring true. And, with a rising feeling of dread, I realized I could not ignore this.The reason why I compared the specific movie I had in mind that night with loving a woman was quite clear to me, even then: that movie stars a female actress who, I thought, looked quite like a woman I knew and admired very much at the time. Well, a bit more than that. My feelings for her were confused, because she was older than my mother and not someone I was close to, so I did not quite know what I felt for her. But I had never thought my feelings might be romantic – not even after I got carried away while talking about her to someone and said that if I were a guy I’d marry her, not even after I once felt jealous of someone she had just hugged and wished she would hug me too, not even when I wanted so much to get her attention and earn her respect. (Now, I do not think that those feelings were romantic, actually – I think it was more like a squish than a crush. But back then I did not know about squishes or aromanticism). That night, though, after writing that sentence, I began thinking that maybe my feelings for her went beyond admiration and were more similar to what I experienced when I had a crush on a boy (well, if it is possible to compare a crush on a boy my age with those feelings for a woman older than I).I tried to consider that possibility. It terrified me. If I really had a crush on that woman, then it meant I was not straight – but why had I not discovered this sooner? Why was I feeling this way only now? How could I have not known this about myself? Which other things did I ignore about myself?I remembered other events. A girl I always hoped to see at the dining hall. A female friend I had in high school and how I loved our talks about not needing boys and touring Ireland on a Porsche when we were older, how I had thought many times that if I liked girls, she would be the type of girl I’d like. A woman at a party who had insisted to make me join others on the dancefloor, and how I had thought I would not have done this for anyone else but would do anything for her. A movie I had seen about a newly-married man who falls in love with his mother-in-law when he meets her for the first time on the day of the wedding, and how I had thought that it was impossible not to fall in love with that woman. I had thought these were nothing unusual. That evening, for the first time, I was not so sure anymore.What terrified me was not really the possibility that I might be attracted to women – it was the fact that I had discovered something about myself, something which might have been there for a long time without my knowing about it, and for which I had no name. Suddenly I felt I did not know who I was at all. I was not sure what it all meant.I cried myself to sleep. I had the most terrifying nightmare of my whole life (a nightmare which involved a woman with superpowers who used them to kill many people, took me hostage, and with whom I fell in love before she killed me, and then I became her), so terrifying that when I woke up from it, I could not tell if the dream was over or not, if it had been a dream or if it was real, and did not dare turn on the light as I feared seeing the woman in the room (something which had never happened to me with any of my previous nightmares).In the morning, I was still confused and afraid. I cried several times that day. I felt I needed to talk to someone, to get help make sense of this, but I did not know who to ask, and I feared that whoever I would talk to would try to put me in a box and not really understand me, so I decided to work on this alone.It took a week. The process was both scary and exciting. I created a new private LiveJournal, searched the Web for information on sexual orientations and more specifically bisexuality, and wrote my findings in the new LJ. This is how I discovered the sexual attraction criteria (bisexuality was always defined as “being sexually attracted to both men and women”) and that it made no sense to me. And this reminded me of an article on asexuality I had read a few weeks earlier. I read the article again and found a reference to AVEN. I went there, read the FAQs, read some members’ stories, and then I knew where I fit.A week later, on June 11, I wrote in my new private LiveJournal: “I am bi-asexual”. I knew who I was. I had a word for myself. On June 22, I joined AVEN. The next day, I joined AVEN-fr.I have questioned my identity several more times since that night. I no longer identify as bi-asexual, but as aromantic asexual (and some other things besides, but let’s keep it simple for now). I am less repulsed by sex than I used to be, and I know more about sex than I used to. I have discovered new concepts - squishes, non-romantic love, Boston marriage, among others. That first questioning phase opened the door to others, and each time it became easier to accept that what I had always taken for granted might not be true.On June 9th, I wrote this in my shared LiveJournal: “Question what you always took for granted. You will learn a lot about yourself that way, maybe things you would never have suspected and that will surprise you, but if you accept them, you’ll be fine, because this is who you are, who you have always been – you just didn’t know it.” I still believe it is true.
So what do y'all think? If you have anything to say, please drop a line in the comments. Be sure to check out the authors blog here! Peace! -
Sgyreju's Questioning Week
Posted: July 14, 2011, 10:59 am by cdooh
I've been wanting to do this for a long time. For the next week,every day, starting tomorrow, I'll be featuring a number of posts that I read a long time ago from Rainbow Amoeba's Petri Dish . She called it Questioning Week. They really inspired me, so much so that I started my very own Questioning Week inspired by the series of post I'm going to share with you during the coming week
So a little history; Sgyreju had just moved her blog to a new site and was also celebrating the 4th Anniversary since the evening in her own words"during which I realized I needed to reconsider my assumed and never questioned heterosexuality, I thought I might as well tell the story of what exactly happened then."
At the time she identified as asexual. But after questioning herself a little more she dropped the asexy tag and refuses to identify with any groupas she feels it limits here. I trust all of you will enjoy her work, she's a really talented writer and one of my favourite bloggers. Check her out starting tomorrow! Peace!! -
My blog was nominated for...
Posted: July 12, 2011, 8:53 pm by cdooh
...the Storymoja Monthly Blog Posts Expo. Yeah I was nominated along with a host of other more talented writers such as Savvy Kenya. Yeah someone considered my writing to be at the same level of Savvy!! Yeah I'm feeling rather good about myself right now. You can read about the nomination here, doesn't seem like there's any prize to be won though.
Here's what was said about the nominees"...today, all I wish to celebrate like we have every month on the Storymoja Writers’ Community, is the diversity of writing and the creativity of forming that can be found on the Kenyan blogosphere.
Yeah I'm creative or at least that's what this nomination means for me. I'm jazzed!! If you're the one who nominated me thanks!!! Peace!!
Now some of the blog posts I found are fiction, some are opinion editorial, some are more personal writing. Some of the posts were nominated by readers, others I just stumbled upon and loved." -
I have Commitment Phobia
Posted: July 5, 2011, 5:32 pm by cdohnio
I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm commitment-phobic. I couldn't believe it, it's something that has been having a subtle effect on all my relationships. I'm calling it subtle because I didn't notice it but I'm thinking someone else may have.
I've always complained of how I don't have a girlfriend and to realise that I've been sub-conscientiously sabotaging my own chances makes me laugh. Anyway so I did some research into it (Google/Wikipedia of course). The description I've written below is interspersed with commentary from me with how what I've written best describes me and how I've seen it in my life. These comments will be in brackets so don't skip to the end hoping to see what I'm thinking.
First before I tell you what I found let me first do a little attribution to me sources. Since I'm blogging from email I'm putting the full page urls. Fear of Commitment on Wikipedia. Commitment Phobia on www.anxietymatters.com. I used these two pages because anymore would be too many for me to read, also the where the top pages when I googled "Commitment Phobia".
A phobia is similar to a fear in that the mind perceives there to be a threat. The difference is, that in a phobia, the level of anxiety felt is disproportionate to the actual threat. So commitment phobia is a mechanism put in place by the brain to protect us from something that -for some reason-, it has misjudged the threat of.
The term commitment phobia was coined in the popular self-help book Men Who Can't Love in 1987. While popular media has made it seem that it only affects romantic relations it can affect any part of someone's life that requires a long time obligation such as work and school. Since on this blog post I meant commitment phobia on a romantic level that's what I'm going to concentrate on.
Commitment phobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment, yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain long lasting connections.(Defines me perfectly) Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitment phobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating. (I can't say I'm emotionally devastated but I can imagine the other parties in my potential relationships may have been)
It should be said that there are as many possible causes of commitment phobia as there are people suffering from it. That's because each of us have different experiences as we grow so no two people can ever be the same. However there are some things that appear common in most cases. People with commitment phobia in adulthood, have often experienced one or more of the following experiences in their earlier years.
-A significant loss or bereavement
-A childhood trauma
-Parental separation (This may be the major cause for me. My parents have been divorced for the last 6 years or so, which is, coincidentally the last time I can say I was in a relationship)
-Unpleasant step-parents
-Poor role models (I don't look at my dad, as the man in my life, as a good role model for personal relationships)
-Abuse of one form or another during the formative, childhood years.
The symptoms of commitment phobia are wide and varied, and are only really limited by the imagination of the commitment phobic person themselves. Commitment phobia symptoms often appear as a sudden feeling of uncertainty, and sometimes the feeling of being trapped in the relationship. Such feelings are rooted in fear—fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitment phobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped.
Many commitment phobic people become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. These fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner can ever live up to the fantasy. Commitment phobic people are also prone to self-destructive behavior, such as walking out on partners. (Yeah this is so very true, in my experience, you build such a perfect fantasy of what you're looking for that no one can ever live up to that vision. More than that is that you suddenly get scared that if you get into a relationship this mythical perfection you've come up with will appear-or at the very least, someone better than who you're with- and you can't get out of the relationship you're in.)
One potentially misleading aspect of commitment phobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is the only one with a problem. In fact, commitment phobic behavior includes "settling" for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationships as well as fleeing from what might have appeared to be a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitment phobic.
So there you have it as a definitive a description to can get on commitment phobia anywhere. I'm currently trying to get over my phobia one small step at a time. Any tips you may have on how you've dealt with your fears or you just want to share your experience be sure drop a line in the comments.(Or email me) I'd be most appreciative! Peace!!! -
Dealing with platonic relationships with the opposite sex
Posted: July 5, 2011, 2:14 am by cdohnio
This post is inspired by some tweets I saw in my timeline by shee_wanjiku. She was complain that one of her friends, a dude, didn't understand that she just wanted a platonic relationship and not anything else. She was saying that dudes need to realize that just because a chic is nice to them it doesn't mean she wants to jump your bones. There's also I heard somewhere on TV "There's no way a dude and a chic can be just friends" a dude told his date. I thought I talk about these things but in relation with what I've experienced myself.
I've said severally here that I'm someone who really enjoys the company of girls infact I can as far as saying that I have more girl than boy friends. I'm not entirely sure why that is. I'm by far more selective of my guy friends. I think it's an ego thing I get from the company of girls.
So in all my interactions I've become aware of one thing. If I hang out with a girl for long enough I'll eventually, at some time, develop feels for the girl. I only came to this realization recently and I've been blown away by it. It explains a lot that I didn't previously understand. I doubt if girls feel the same though but I can't be sure.
With this realization has come insight into my platonic relationships with my girl friends. If I don't want to develop feelings for these girl I shouldn't hang out with the for prolonged periods of time. But that can't work because despite what feelings beyond friendship I feel for these girls I genuinely enjoy spending time with these girls. So what's to done.
Suppression. I mean I need to become aware of these feelings before they lead me to do something stupid, like making a move that will ruin a friendship with extreme awkwardness and embarrassment. Realising these feelings I should make an active effort not to let these feelings, and their attendant thoughts, overwhelm my conscience. This seems like the best course of action, of course I'm welcome to suggestions so sound off in the comments.
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't make advances on your girl friends I'm just giving what to me seems a viable way to avoid ruining your friendships with girls. I'll leave you with some advice that a good girl friend of mine gave my while in school "If you think you may wanna hit that you'd better persue that, making your intentions clear from the begin than starting out pretending to be friends then trying to get into a relationship"Peace!!
Blah blah blah
Fish cakes
Alas a fish cake.
Yet more fish cakes
Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.
The end of the fish cakes
