Items by chi

Delusions of Grandeur

• Somewhere

  Posted: January 4, 2009, 12:36 pm by chi

  soundtrak: keane :: somewhere only we know

  so it’s about 4.21 in the morning and i’m still awake. crispy and T are sleeping on the other couch; crispy on one end and T on another. i feel sort of maternal, sitting here, watching them, staying awake.
  we had a big outing at the che.eesecake, like we usually do. crispy text-messaged me on friday to tell me she was coming, so i invited her along. T showed up way later, an afterthought, but i think he was good company for Y, who was originally invited along. it was getting late and i was tired. i didn’t take the usual nap that i take on saturday afternoons. Y really wanted to go out, but i was exhausted and i was still planning on working out.
  so crispy, my brothers and i piled up in the car and we drove home, racing T along the way. it’s nice of him; sometimes, he follows crispy and/or i home to make sure that we get there safe. i didn’t expect T to pull up in the driveway as well, let alone come in. but he does and a glass of water turns into a movie (the simpsons movie) which turns into now, with both of them sleeping on the couch. it’s nice; i haven’t hung out with these two in awhile… it’s just like old times, finishing up physics homework, watching conan o’brien. here we are, somewhere in the space of time, having a good time.

  peace.

• Drown(ing)

  Posted: January 3, 2009, 12:20 am by chi

  when you learn how to swim, one of the first things you learn is how to help one that is drowning. the trick is to let them drown before you rescue them. if you try to rescue them as they are still flailing about, you risk yourself to drown as well. only when they have given up is when you can truly help them.
  i feel like i am that person now. i know how i can solve the problems, i know i have the answers and yet i have to watch them suffer. my whining and complaining won’t help the situation, so i’ve stopped. all i can do is watch and wait. so i’ve been told. it’s painful to watch, so sad, but i have to keep a vigilant watch. so i’ve been told. so i watch and wait.

  peace.

• 2009

  Posted: January 1, 2009, 4:53 pm by chi

  i think 2009 is going to beginning of great things for me. i’m not just saying it just to say it; i can honestly feel it.

  i went to sleep early last night. i didn’t feel like watching the ball drop and i turned off the phone so i wouldn’t get the obligatory happy new year text messages. i really wasn’t planning on going to the gym today; actually, i was looking forward to sleeping in, but mr. f was going in today and i thought, why not? i’m glad that i did.
  i don’t know if it’s the endorphins from my 40 minute run (can you believe it, i ran for 40 minutes), but i just feel like something fantastic is going to happen to me this year.

  that’s all.

  peace.

• Awesome!

  Posted: December 31, 2008, 2:02 am by chi

  soundtrak: pnau :: embrace ft. ladyhawe (fred falke and miami horror remix)

  i sit on the floor of my room, typing from my new macbook pro. i guess i forgot to mention that al bought me this wonderful machine for christmas. considering that i really wanted lost season four and i wasn’t expecting a computer at all, when i opened his homemade giftcard that was an IOU, i burst into tears. you guys don’t even know how much my dell restricted me. the fact that i’m typing this and listening to the soundtrak song at the same time and not waiting for the words that i just typed to appear on the screen is awesome… so awesome! i’m so grateful that my brother got me this… he doesn’t even know.

  anyways, other than that, pretty much working through the holidays. happy new year y’all (there’s some maryland for you y’all)

  peace.

• 2008

  Posted: December 26, 2008, 7:56 pm by chi

  soundtrak: radiohead :: reckoner

  what can i say about 2008? i think this was one of the most unremarkable years for me. in january, i was already officially out of my graduate program, but the more time that passes, i find that it still affects me, daily even. and other stuff that happened that i will not talk about here, but elsewhere.
  i put off apply for school for another year… or more like extended it for another year. i cannot, cannot get this school idea out of my head. i thought that maybe i should move on with my masters, but God won’t allow me to do it. i know i can do this. i’m a hard worker, i have the passion; i want this. i just want my time in the sun. i want to be seen. i know it’s really rare for that to happen, especially in the science world, but i just want it. even to peruse it, i want it.

  anyways, i wonder if this unremarkable year is due to the fact that i didn’t set any definite resolutions goals for myself this year. definite goals rather than vague resolutions; the key to this is to remind yourself of your goals everyday. the more you remind yourself, the more thinking, time and energy you put towards your goals and eventually, before you realize it, you have reached them. kind of like positive thinking.. (look at me, i have all the tools and yet i don’t use them). of course, this is why i didn’t do as well as i needed to on the GREs; my mind was elsewhere. i was studying, but i couldn’t focus. it wasn’t a surprise i couldn’t focus during the test.
  so i need to change my way of thinking. i’m setting goals as we speak. i will not make them public, but i know if i dwell on them daily, things will happen.

  i already know that 2009 will be far better than 2008.

  in the chiiq network:
  - chiiq.com: chi’s top 10 of 2008: music/books
  - D.O.G.: what i learned in 2007
  - D.O.G. retro: 2005/2006 in review

  peace.

• (Sleep) Deprived

  Posted: December 12, 2008, 7:21 am by chi

  soundtrak: thievery corporation :: the forgotten people

  - this week, i have already worked more than 40 hours (and no, i don’t get overtime… such is science sometimes…). if i look at one more florescent slide, my eyes are going to pop out of my head in protest. being the most senior one in lab this week (boss was at a conference… lots of conferences this time of year), i had to make sure things were running smoothly with everyone else (and basically that nothing expensive breaks, which almost did of course…), which had me coming into work at ungodly hours. i think in total, i’ve only had about 10 hours of sleep this week (if you count the pass out that i had earlier this evening… i don’t know what happened…next thing i know, it was hour later…).
  - i don’t know if things are getting better or worse… and what things? life, work, family…. i’m not sure how to measure a situation or issue (which issue?) getting ‘better’ or ‘worse’. in clarity and understanding of the issue? in acceptance of the inevitable? i can tell you that everything is pretty much amusing to me these days, if it be ‘good’ or ‘bad’. it seems all i can do is laugh (sometimes in people’s faces… which makes it even more amusing to me) and move on to the next moment… so that makes it ‘good’, right?
  - mr. f helps me purchase a new tv this past weekend. if you know me and big purchases, you know it’s hard for me to part with money in the first place, especially large quantities of it. i think i had been talking about getting a new tv (or a digital converter; that can give you a guess to how old my old tv was…) for about a month now. 37” is large to me (especially for a bedroom tv), and i love it. i love the little ’sams.ung’ chime it makes when it turns on. it’s good. now, to get that new ma.cbook pro (considering, i had to wait about 7 minutes for my computer to ‘think’ as it pondered if it could run iTunes and firefox at the same time…. i can’t do this anymore…)
  - so this blog is pretty bare. i moved my reading and music lists to chiiq.com (as if you type in chiiq.com, it will take you there and not here). i deleted my links page because i seriously need to update that.

  ok, i’m kinda done. i need some more sleep hours.

  peace.

• Changes

  Posted: December 7, 2008, 3:43 am by chi

  soundtrak: phoenix :: if i ever feel better

  no way am i tech-savvy, but i am rather intuitive.

  i decided in the shower this morning that i’m changing chiiq.com up. i have crudely created two more blogs on this site, one which will be strictly personal and require passwords and another more to the mundane-ness ultilty of the whole site, that will function as a main page.

  this has been something that i have been thinking about for awhile now, so i’m happy to get the ball rolling. more changes to come.

  peace.

• November Reviewed

  Posted: November 28, 2008, 5:52 pm by chi

  soundtrak: mingle: new fish

  so i’m sitting here in lab this black friday morning (oh, don’t act like this not a common occurrence; i do this all the time). i’m not a big time shopper (and i think this is how i get myself in trouble every christmas; i wait until the last minute) and i had some work to finish before i go to lunch with some of the biochem crew.

  thanksgiving was okay. i feel like with everything going on, things are starting to even out and calm down for me, which is good. jan remarked to me the other day, “you haven’t had an anxiety attack in awhile.” granted, she’s only seen me have one, but i’ve been handling my anxiety much better; getting things done, talking out problems and issues. despite the little things, life is good, i can’t complain.

  from where i last left off, i didn’t do as well as i wanted to on the GREs in october, so with my mentor, i decided that i would prolong my application process for admission in 2010. at first, i was stressing out about it (i will turn 30 and i’m still going to be doing this thing) and people that i told looked at me like i was out of my mind. but, you know what, this is what i want to do. i could be 30 or 50, but i’m still going to do it. in the end, i think know that it was a good decision. there is still alot that i need to learn, even in my field and will only make me a stronger candidate when i do interview.

  it didn’t help that my car was having issues the whole month of october; by the end of the month, i spent two paychecks on repairs. i was not happy, but i’m happy that i still do have a car that i can drive. i’m also glad that i did have the money to fix it; i could be driving around with a broke car.
  jan also observed, “you’re the kind of person that doesn’t need alot to make you happy.” and it’s true, i suppose. i like it simple; i don’t need the next best thing, just something that will get me by. of course, there are alot of things that i want, but i really don’t need.

  as i abhor human contact (ok, not so much, but just enough), i have a tendency to neglect my friends. so this month i really made an effort to hang out with people; i helped MD shop and move the rest of her stuff in her new apartment downtown, i went with abbs to the new ca.ptiol vistor center, and out with CB to a new vegan restaurant (absolutely heaven!). i just need to be a better friend though.

  hmm, what else… of course, our new president. i don’t know; i don’t think it’s hit me yet. i wasn’t as excited as others thought i should be (”especially being kenyan and all…” yeah, i know). but i think it was great for moms, who just became a citizen and it was her first time to vote; it was a life changing moment.

  anyways, more later i suppose. i am here to work.

  peace.

• Q and A

  Posted: November 13, 2008, 2:55 am by chi

  soundtrak: q-tip :: move

  (while i work on some things…)

  Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
  jan probably… lol

  What kind of car do you drive?
  altima.

  Have you ever had a garage sale?
  no

  What color is your iPod?
  black (like me!)

  What kind of dog do you have?
  no dog/no pets

  What’s for dinner tonight?
  golden grahams probably; have a penchant for cereal this month

  What is the last drink you drank?
  water, but really mango lemonade.

  Last time you were sick?
  two weeks ago.

  How long is your hair?
  shoulder length.

  Are you happy right now?
  just here.

  What did you say last?
  to another person: “you need to take iron!” (to my mom)
  to myself: ’scoooobilicious!’

  Who came over last?
  jan for dinner; i haven’t had friends over lately.

  Do you drink beer?
  nope

  Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
  all the time.

  What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
  my ‘kenya’ one

  What is in your pocket?
  43 cents

  Who introduced you to your boyfriend or girlfriend?
  don’t have one/not looking for one and noone will introduce me because i refuse to let them.

  Who is the last person you had a phone conversation with?
  MD, but she calls all the time. so Mic probably.

  What DVD is in your DVD player?
  usually it’s pride and prejudice, but i think it’s the nike warrior workout, if not rael pilates system 17.

  What’s something fun you did today?
  what’s fun? no… um… what’s fun?

  What do you think of when you hear the word “meow”?
  ‘testy..’

  What are you listening to right now?
  watching tv, but music-wise right now, the new coldplay, q-tip and common.

  What have you had to drink so far today?
  water.

  When is your birthday?
  feb. 1st.

  What’s the area code for your cell phone?
  301

  Where did you buy the shirt you’re wearing now?
  it was a gift from timon.

  Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
  parking tag

  How many states in the U.S. have you been to?
  10+

  What are you going to do after this?
  probably watch tv, write and/or read.

  What is something you need to go shopping for?
  clothes. desperately. but i don’t like clothes shopping

  Do you like pickles?
  yes

  How about olives?
  yes

  What is your favorite kind of gum?
  stride

  Do you have any tan lines?
  not right now… i avoid light… but i do tan.

  Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher?
  it’ll come to me…

  Who was the last person to call you baby?
  some random guy i wasn’t interested in anyway…

  When you’re at the grocery store do you used the self checkout?
  when i can. people are slow and i despise unnecessary human interaction.

  Has anyone ever sang to you?
  no… ok, yes, but i didn’t care for it.

  Has anyone ever given you roses?
  uh… i don’t remember

  If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
  maybe

  What is your favorite color?
  surprisingly, i don’t really have one. i like many.

  What color are your eyes?
  brown

  What is a compliment you receive way too often?
  my beautiful smile/clear skin/young face/young looking. okay. i get it.

  How tall are you?
  5′ 5-1/2” exactly. has not changed ever.

  Who was the last person to say they loved you and when?
  my mom. don’t remember when.

  Do you like your parents?
  they’re okay people…

  Why did your last relationship end?
  ha.

  Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone?
  my mom

  Where is the furthest place you’ve traveled?
  kenya

  Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?
  sleep. immensely.

  Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
  my dad’s coloring, but my mom’s bone structure.

  How long does it take you to shower?
  20 minutes about

  Can you do splits?
  kinda.

  Can you use the grill?
  yes.

  Are you flexible?
  kinda.

  What movie do you want to see?
  eh… nothing good out right now. maybe that new bond movie.

  What did you on New Years Eve 2007?
  at home, watching the ball drop.

  Was your mom a cheerleader?
  no

  What is the last letter of your middle name?
  o (don’t you wish you knew…)

  How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
  5 hour nap + 3 hour sleep = 8 hours; as long as it adds up, right?

  Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
  always.

  Are you scared of flying?
  no, but i don’t like it.

  What do you sleep in?
  old shirts with no sleeves.

  Do you have any tatoos?
  nope

  Have you ever been to Los Angeles?
  yes. three times.

  What jewelry do you wear all the time?
  my kenya bracelet.

  What is your favorite song at the moment?
  death and all his friends by coldplay

  What song do you HATE?
  lots of them…

  Do you like chocolate?
  of course, but i don’t eat it.

  Are you easy to get along with?
  depends. respect me and i respect you.

  Any up coming events you’re excited about?
  um… sleep?

  peace.

• Blank

  Posted: October 25, 2008, 1:55 am by chi

  sountrak: silence

  i read everyday. i’m an avid reader of pretty much anything, from magazine articles to blog entries to books, etc. i’ve been reading all this great writing, which has inspired me to write, at least a blog entry, but for the life of me, i can’t. i have this ideas for entries, but they never make it down to paper. it doesn’t help that i spend 70 hours a week in lab and my crap computer is slow as dirt. and i just can’t bring myself to call a hiatus for just a bit.
  so i don’t know what this entry means; i guess, i’m still alive and i’m still intending on writing something even though i haven’t in awhile, but if i don’t, don’t be mad, because i warned y’all.

  yeah, i guess that’s it.

  peace.

• Shattered

  Posted: October 5, 2008, 1:06 am by chi

  soundtrak: meiko :: boys with girlfriends

  - i’m not shattered, emotionally or physically, but my passenger side window is. i’m so pissed; all these bad things keep on happening to me. thankfully, T was online to give me referrals and advice. also, i already planned to take off tomorrow for my exam on tuesday, so i’ll have time to get that done.
  - adding on to bad things happening to me: apparently i still owe the state of MD $800+ from 2006. i’m soo tired of this sh*t. it’s not even funny anymore and it’s getting tired fast.
  - ani is taking this biotech certificate thing and i’ve been helping him with molecular biology techniques. it’s nice to feel used.
  - i have this idea. it might work, if i wasn’t so apathetic…
  - go redskins! four in a row!
  - best movie i watched this morning: what’s up, doc?

  and i’m done for today.

  peace.

• Random Slice of Life of Chi

  Posted: September 22, 2008, 2:24 am by chi

  soundtrak: oasis :: slide away

  - soundtrak: oldie, but a goodie. i don’t know how i feel about oasis’ new album, but i do love the old stuff and i always will.
  - my fingernails were a bright orange for most of the week, but then i painted them white again. they’re chipping again, so i think i might go with electric blue. nice.
  - i have been involved in this conflict (that i have chosen not to blog about) for the past year and a half now. it’s beginning to swallow up my life; up to 50%. i feel that because i choose not to blog about it, in turn, i haven’t been blogging in general. i still choose not to blog about it, but it’s annoying as hell. i’m frustrated because there seems to be no end in sight and other people are getting involved (and they aren’t going to help) and right now, i’m at the point where i just might curse or fight someone, they really took it there.
  - and now is not the time for me to feeling stress; my GRE exams are within the next two weeks. i. do. not. need. this.
  - also, with work, we’re starting this huge mouse immunization study. so that would entail that i must become trained in animal handling, especially of the rodent variety. this past week, i was feeling unwell with sinus inflammation and i took off on wednesday (and took my fill of new tyra, maury and a little bit of jerry on the side). i come back on thursday to find that i have animal training in the morning. they also failed to mention that i would have to do the hands-on part. i failed to mention that i don’t touch live rodents, but can dissect dead (very dead) ones… and mice at that. but i tried to suck it up and take it like a (wo)man, but when they pulled out those three huge rats, all i could hear in my head was the boy telling me about his experience with rats, “they’re huge, nasty and ugly… and they bite!” over and over and over again. so when my instructor told me to come over and hold one (mind you, i had backed to the far corner of the room), i calmly said, “no.” and when i say “no” that means, i’m. not. holding. that. live. nasty. rat. period! so i spent the rest of the time watching jan inject, bleed, sedate and eventually kill euthanize the rats and mice. when i got back to lab, i told my boss and he stressed to me the importance of the project and my role specifically (but no pressure… really…). so it looks like i’m going to have to suck it up and do it (especially all those blood smears i’m going to have to do when everybody is going to that conference that i really wanted to go to…). all in the name of science; i need to co-authored somewhere.
  - talking about being co-authored… i just might be. some manuscripts are up in the air, but yes! my work will not go in vain!
  - i have to admit; i have the hugest crush on josh jackson right now. and not to mention his new tv character is smart as hell (190 IQ?!); the ultimate turn on for me. is it bad that i just watch that show for him? ehh, i don’t care.
  - it was funny, i was having this conversation with my mom the other day; how i overlook a guy’s interest in me. apparently, there is quite a long list. i don’t know; my focus is elsewhere.
  - also shoutout to aabs on entering her last year in her PhD candidacy. i’m jealous and i wish i were you (i could have been done in ‘09! i could have been a contender!), but i told you it was going to work out!

  anyways, i’m off.
  peace.

• Silence

  Posted: September 5, 2008, 4:08 am by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: da feelin’

  - when i was born, my mom was 22. she was young and fresh to america. when my dad went to school, she stayed home or did odd jobs. as her first child, she didn’t know that in order to spur speech development, one should speak to their child. the child picks up on the inflections and syllables, learning to speak. so, for my first year, she did not talk to me. i didn’t start to talk until i was about four (to add upon the other developmental problems i have). my mom says that i was always quiet since, just watching and observing. i think that’s why i’m so comfortable in silence now; tele-watching tv with T, sitting in the car with jam in the rain, riding the train with mr. unattainable. there’s just something about the stillness, the soft padding of muteness that i love.
  - i love the quiet, but i also love the music; wee! new nightmares on wax! click on it. listen to it. love it!
  - i have painted my nails electric blue. apparently, it’s the new color for fall. well, navy blue is, but close enough.
  - just when i’m about to drop him off the friend list, T just does something amazing to make me fall in love with him all over again. he must have some sort of radar or something… he’s still a jerk sometimes, but i love him.
  - work is going good. making progress, experiments working, being appreciated by my peers (i really like that part alot). i keep on hearing stories from my old lab from MD (who has also moved on to another lab); it’s not good. so when i was lamenting to aabs this week about applying to programs again and feeling bad that everyone that i started with (including her! yes you, aabs!) is finishing up. even though i could have changed things, i know things happen for a reason. there were lots of reasons why i had to leave, some that i might go into detail with. maybe.
  - one word: football! ‘nough said.

  peace.

• The Aftermath

  Posted: August 24, 2008, 5:45 am by chi

  soundtrak: rae and christian :: all i ask

  - it’s something about having an (anxiety) attack. i find that the weeks following, i’m very productive. my work in lab has been going well and my boss was impressed. i also mailed in my registration forms for my GREs and i’m signed up. it’s good, i’m excited. one month to study. wee! i don’t really think about when i start to feel like it’s too much and i guess that’s where my problem lies: i don’t know where to stop before it gets too much. i don’t know.
  - i like this song. it kind of took a minute to grow on me.
  - out of boredom, i painted my nails white. actually, i don’t own any nail polish, so i went out to target one day and just bought white.
  - me and writing: somedays, i want desperately to write here and other days, i just don’t. i’m trying to find the balance so that i don’t completely abandon my blog. i know that writing will help me out with alot of the things that i’m going through, but i can’t even write in my personal journal, let alone here. i know it’s my defense mechanism kicking in: if i don’t talk about it, i can pretend that it’s not there. just typing that out is hard for me. hmm.

  anyways, that’s all from me for now. my life is very minimal at best, so the updates come when they come.

  peace

• The Attack

  Posted: August 9, 2008, 3:16 am by chi

  soundtrak: coldplay :: warning sign

  i didn’t see it coming. i never see it coming. i had my worst anxiety attack today; out of 4 total to date. i was more fatigued that usual, waking up late this morning. i already logged in more than 50 hours in lab and i was actually supposed to take today off, but that didn’t work out. i haven’t been sleeping well lately either, which should have tipped me off.

  rather than go into all the stresses that caused my attack today, i’ll just talk about the attack itself. everybody is different and has a different experience. usually, my mind starts rushing out of control, which precludes the physical symptoms of an attack. my mind was racing so i tried to do some work to keep me busy (which usually works; i also have a mild case of OCD), but unfortunately (fortunately?) i didn’t have alot of work to do (why was i at work?). this was when i started to experience shortness of breath. almost like hiccups, i would have a couple of rapid breaths, then my breathing would return (try to return) to normal. i was trying to breathe, but i couldn’t. jan came back to the desk area and asked the magic words, “what’s wrong?” it was then i started to hyperventilate for about 10 minutes. jan wanted to call an ambulance, but i told her not to. i could feel myself about to pass out and even after the severe part subsided, i still had residual affects a couple of hours afterward.

  we went to lunch and jan asked me why i didn’t tell her about my anxiety. it’s not exactly something i want to broadcast and my attacks have been so far apart, so i don’t really think about them. it’s easier just to make excuses to why i ‘just can’t make it this time” than explain my anxiety. “it explains alot,” jan commented.

  in the end, i probably won’t tell anybody about today (except you, of course). i did get checked out and it’s not anything i should take meds for. and i do have coping mechanisms that i use. i’ll just keep on coping the best way i know how.

  peace.

• Raw Materials

  Posted: July 31, 2008, 6:09 am by chi

  soundtrak: christian scott: say it

  raw: natural and unprepared.

  i feel like i don’t know what i want. i was talking to jan about this party that i was invited to this weekend and how i didn’t know well, no, i said that i wasn’t going to go. ‘so why do you keep on bringing it up?” she asked, after she stated her concern that i don’t seem to have any fun. i don’t even know if that’s what i’m looking for. it’s hard to explain, but i keep on slamming against this conflict with everything that i do, talking with people, going places. it’s internal conflict; half of me wants to go and the other half just wants to curl in a ball and never see the light of day ever again.

  also, i feel so unprepared. not so much in general than with specific situations. like this party for example; it would be great for me to go, but the other half of me is complaining, “well, you need to get your hair done first… and your eyebrows (my eyebrows! that’s a new thing… i’ve always felt comfortable with the fact that my eyebrows have never been shaped), you need to get those done and now it’s two days before and you don’t have time… you’re still fat… you’re unremarkable… nobody’s going to care that you’re there, so why bother?” wow, my subconscious is going haywire. anyways, this is probably the reason why i won’t go; the sense of being unprepared and the sense that i don’t have enough time to be prepared. i feel like i’ll never have enough time, no matter how much time i do have. simple, basic things however, i feel like i have down pat. i can wake up, work out, go to work and get my experiments done. just as long as there are no parties in my future, i’m set.

  i know that my negativity is a downer (who wants to comment on that?). i’ve been looking over the past entries that i have bothered to write and they’re horrible. i say the same thing over and over, i make the same statements. i’m not even listening to myself.
  i feel like i’m starting to feel better though. not necessarily from an outside view (read: jan’s statement from above), but i personally feel like i’m actually getting somewhere now instead of spinning my wheels from a couple of weeks ago. i don’t know if it’s because now i realize that i will never be as prepared, no matter how long i plan? do you know why i don’t write as much? because i’m so busy trying to organize my thoughts and trying to figure out what i want to say… i just get so exasperated at the end of it and end up not writing at all. of course, it’s good to be organized, but i never seem to write when the moment hits (like now; can you tell?) it’s almost like i’m scared to let you into my disorganized world; everything has to be neat and perfect and no socks on the floor, your life is so quaint.

  i don’t know if jan really has anything to worry about, worrying about me. i couldn’t answer her question because i didn’t have the answer; my mind drew a blank. is my comfort in being solitary due to apathy or fear? or choice; voluntary or involuntary? wouldn’t we all like to know.

  peace.

• Fortune

  Posted: July 26, 2008, 3:55 am by chi

  soundtrak: rae and christian: all i ask

  in my vegan chinese food order:

  uh… and what plans are that? in the next six days? six years? six hours? if hours, then yes i would expect them to succeed… sleep is a wonderful thing.

  really? are we referring to sleep here again because if we are, then yes, it’s most definitely for me.

  - al went to the doctor twice and got an mri. his meniscus tear is so bad, he’s going to have surgery at the beginning of august.

  hope to be writing more often.

  peace.

• One of the People

  Posted: July 15, 2008, 6:42 am by chi

  soundtrak: adamski :: one of the people

  - anytime i find myself/wrestling with my mental health/about this or that or something else/right or wrong/i’ve got to just remember/i am one of the people/one of the people/of planet earth.
  - on friday, my brother al thought he dislocated his knee. actually, he has a history of knee dislocation, so when it happened on friday night during rehearsal, he didn’t think anything about it; he would just pop it back in. but that was the problem; his knee wasn’t dislocated and he actually ended up spraining his tendon. i don’t go to the rehearsals anymore (that’s just another long story that i’m not going to get into), so moms and i drove to church to take him to the hospital. thankfully, we were seen quickly and we managed to get out of there just after midnight. he’s doing better; he has a leg brace and crutches. he just so happened to take this monday and tuesday off (how much vacation time does this guy have and why don’t i have that much time?!), so he has time to recuperate.
  - i’m currently typing this from work. the internet restrictions here are crazy; i can’t check certain sites or personal email. but they haven’t blocked google docs yet… yet. usually, i’m either busy in an experiment (my boss is very, very eager about our work) or laughing it up with jan, so i don’t have time to be on the computer so much. jan is coming in late this morning and i have to leave early today (for matters that i will not get into), so i cannot start an 8 hour experiment today. but it’s all good; i finally updated my lab notebook to current, cleaned up and did some lab prep.
  - i know i don’t talk about alot of things on here. for example, where i’m going today. even though this site is anonymous, when it does come to things that involve my family, i choose not to talk about it here, out of respect for their privacy. i grew up in a home where we didn’t talk about our problems with anyone outside the family. i think there is also a little of kenyan/african/african-american aspects to it as well. unfortunately, alot of the problems that i am experiencing now are due to the fact ‘help’ was never asked for. i was the first in our immediate and extended family to branch out to therapy. it’s crazy to know, to hear and find out of cousins that have experienced severe depression; the stigma of mental illness runs deep despite the obviousness of the state of many of my family members. i will be the first to admit that i have been severely depressed, considered and attempted suicide as well as suffered from anxiety attacks. i don’t know if it’s a result of an imbalance, but i know therapy has helped immensely. despite my sharing of my state, there are things that i still keep very closely to my chest; nobody will ever know. it seems like a heavy burden, but it’s just business as usual.
  - anyways, i’m digressing. i haven’t been up to sharing lately, with anyone. i commented this to naj in my bi-yearly email to her. i don’t know if it’s the change in work schedule, my diet, but i feel like i’ve entered this space of solitariness; not necessarily loneliness, but willful isolation. that’s all i can say about that; it’s already hard to explain.
  - i always feel i could be more organized with everything, especially my time. i’m pretty organized already (according to my brothers, insanely organized and just insane in general), but i always feel like i’m wasting time. this week, i have to add a couple new routines in my schedule (studying, more reading, more exercise, more sleep) and take a couple out (watching repeat sitcom television, playing sim.s2, staring at the wall watching paint dry). working on it.

  peace.

• The Familiar

  Posted: July 1, 2008, 4:53 am by chi

  soundtrak: seba :: steel

  - first, so i can get it out of the way. this is the 100th post here at the newest reincarnation of delusions of grandeur. it was supposed to be more ‘grandeur’ than this, but life is disappointing sometimes.
  - when you accidentally leave the soundtrack of your life, your iPod, at work, it’s always good to have a backup iPod shuffle at home. my early morning workout is saved.
  - i love the familiar; i take comfort in it. i repeat the song of the moment over and over again until it becomes ingrained in my brain. i read my favorite books more than thrice, my favorite movies more than that. it’s easy to fall into routine; as humans, we are built this way. over the past couple of weeks, some routines have returned to me and i have welcomed them back. some i’m still trying to change. talking about change, i see it. i don’t want to go into too much detail about it because it’s something that i should keep to myself (and i have only told three people about), but it’s exciting and scary all at the same time. it’s exciting to see what’s coming next, but scary because i’m not quite sure how i’m going to get there. and i have to be patient. *sigh* always patient.
  - so i was finishing up some last minute pipetting, talking to jan as she finished some last minute stuff so we could finally leave already. the pipetting was making my tendonitis flare and since i didn’t have my iPod on me (and thus, that’s why it was left at work), i began to sing to ignore the pain… loudly and very off key (which defies the purpose if you can sing, but when i’m tired, it’s the only way). the song… i forgot the name of the song… but i was singing the chorus when jan decided to open the lab door and leave it open, my back to it, furiously pipettng away and singing badly. it was at this time, a man walked by, stopped and stared first at me, then jan with a look on his face, then they both began to laugh. of course, i was completely oblivious to all this until told, but i laughed anyways. i’m sure i’ll pass that guy in the hallway and he’ll look at me like i’m nuts. ha! we laugh waaaaay too much in lab, but jan is really that funny.
  - plans for the long weekend: none. can’t i just sleep. actually, ames’ birthday is on thursday and she wants to go bowling…in falls church. woman lives down the street from me, but she wants to go bowling in falls church… the things i do for the people i miss.

  that is all.
  peace.

• iRead

  Posted: June 22, 2008, 7:44 am by chi

  soundtrak: feist :: intuition

  i read. i like to read alot. anything with words, i devour. short stories, magazine articles, newspapers.
  this hunger was cultivated when i was in grade school. my parents encouraged me to read, but from what i can remember, i would love to go to the public library and just check out a huge stack of books (i could not leave a book behind that i thought interesting) that i would finish in a week. i think it was also a thirst for knowledge; my vocabulary increased with every book finished. i would learn new facts and new ideas, new ways to do things. i reveled in it.
  of course now, my reading pace has decreased; i have so much to do and science articles to read, that it takes me, on average, a month to get through a book. my comprehension has developed and deepened, which just comes with age, i think. but i love getting lost in a story or an idea; i just can’t do that with tv or movies. i also have this thing about reading on paper vs. the computer screen; i prefer the magazine to the online version. but i think i’ll leave that post for later.

  i updated my bookself page. i just now realized that i misspelled the word ‘bookshelf’ (i’m a notorious misspeller), but looking at the definition of ’self’, i think it’s most appropriate:

  Main Entry: self
  Function: noun
  Inflected Form(s): plural selves \ˈselvz, Southern also ˈsevz\
  Date: 13th century

  1 a: the entire person of an individual b: the realization or embodiment of an abstraction
  2 a (1): an individual’s typical character or behavior (2): an individual’s temporary behavior or character b: a person in prime condition
  3: the union of elements (as body, emotions, thoughts, and sensations) that constitute the individuality and identity of a person
  4: personal interest or advantage

  books make up who i am; i would not be the same person if not for the books i’ve read. biographies, fiction, articles. everything.
  as i was compiling the list of books read, i surprised myself with how many books i have read (and how many i own; in the above picture, there are books hidden behind those books in the front). i have placed a self memorandum on purchasing from amazon (even though i have books in my cart just waiting to be checked out) until i make a decent dent in the unread books that are on my shelves. so here’s to a summer of reading. salut!

  peace.

• Succinct

  Posted: June 19, 2008, 3:18 am by chi

  soundtrak: clara hill :: all i can provide

  - jan set up the protein expression robot (robot!) today. from mere strands of DNA, in two days, protein is made! in two convenient volumes… anyways, i digress. so, our lab has a tendency to lose power when it thunderstorms miles away. it looked like rain and jan didn’t want to start the robot if we were just going to lose power, to which it resets. i assured jan that it would not rain; she was so worried about it. sitting in my room, as it begins to rain, rumbling in the distance, i curse in my head.
  - tim russert passed away on payday friday; came home, went to the bank and by the time i got back, the headlines were up. that was a man that truly loved the work that he did; he delved into it and shared his passion with us every sunday. i want to be remembered for my passion for my work. i feel like right now, i’m stagnant, waiting for something great to happen instead of going after, working towards that something great. i know i want to go back to school and i know there are people out there just waiting for me to fulfill that part of my destiny, but it feels all so far away. jan says that she can tell that i really love what i do when she sees me concentrate on a certain step in a protocol or over a figure in data i’m analyzing. i remember how whm would just watch me (ah-ha! he thought i didn’t know…) as i sat in utter concentration during lectures. i want it. i know i want it. i’m just so tired right now.

  anyways, off to read.

• As Of Late…

  Posted: June 17, 2008, 5:43 am by chi

  soundtrak: modest mouse :: dramamine

  - i have been keeping aot of things to myself lately. it’s a thing i do. i don’t open up; i don’t talk about it. talking to jam last night, i refused to talk about my weekend. it wasn’t that great anyways.
  - jan says that out of all the people that she knows, i’m the most truthful, which sort of caught me by surprise. i’m not a chronic liar, but i didn’t think that people would see me truthful more than average. she explained, “when you tell a story, you don’t sugarcoat it or simplify it… you tell the whole complete truth, even if it makes you look bad.” wow. i’m flattered.
  - so i was going to work last friday, waiting at a light, when i heard loud banging to my left. i lifted my chin from my hand and saw five men crammed into a public school maintenance truck. i gave a thumbs up and hoped the eager one would leave me alone, but the light was extra long and he tried yelling through the glass, so i rolled down the window. “what are you doing sleeping?” he yelled still. “long night. i watched the (nba finals) game (4).” i replied. “yeah, too bad the lakers lost,” to which i rolled my eyes; a laker fan. he claimed i was just hating on the fact that ko.be married a ’spanish’ girl. ooookaaay. believe what you want to believe.
  - i did not go to my high school reunion this weekend. T says i missed a party, but i know i would have been a wallflower all night. there is a reason why i don’t remember specific parts of my high school experience and i don’t need people from long ago to remind me of them. on a good high school mote, however, i emailed guava (to my chiquita banana) and he emailed me back. i need to email him soon; we used to pass notes in class and in between classes that when we didn’t have class together to amuse ourselves. good times. also, i ran into a girl that used to live by me, at, of all places, work. it was really the last place that i expected to see her, so i was surprised and overwhelmed. the last time i saw her was the day of our graduation, so 10 whole years.

  anyways, i guess that all for now. the feeling to write ebbs and flows and usually by the time i get in front of my (slow, ridiculous) computer, the ‘write’ flows right out of me. so i’m trying to be better about it; procrastinating less, reading and writing more.

  peace.

• Sick to My Stomach

  Posted: June 6, 2008, 5:20 am by chi

  soundtrak: nba finals game one

  - i have been feeling sick to the stomach for the past two days. yesterday was really painful, but i made it through the day. by the end of wednesday, i was feeling okay. woke up this morning, feeling okay, but started to feel sick when i got to the gym. after i finished my last weight machine, i went to the bathroom and threw up standing up (*wretch* take a break, hand on the hip *wretch some more*) after that, i was feeling great; did an hour of cardio. going to work however, i started to feel sick again. i don’t know; it’s in and out. just ate fruit today; too scared to eat anything else.
  - my ten year high school reunion is next week and i’m not going. why am i going to pay money (that i don’t have by the way) for alcohol that i won’t drink, food that i can’t eat and people that i don’t want to see. middle school/high school (secondary school?) was not the greatest time for me. i was a nerd, people were mean and i ate my lunch in the bathroom for all of 7th grade. so i’m not trying to relieve all of that. thanks, but no thanks.
  - i’m reading this book, free food for millionaires. it’s gotten mixed reviews, but still in book one (it’s a huge book), i like it. i want to tell stories the way the author does. i don’t know if it’s apathy, but i just can’t seem to get my words on paper (i find that i cannot write direct on screen unless blogging; it seems unnatural that way). i’m going to try to work on that this summer.
  - song of the moment (enjoy):

  Lost and Found - Mingle & Ruby Slipper

  peace.

• “I Love You”

  Posted: May 30, 2008, 5:42 am by chi

  soundtrak: mankind liberation front :: safe from the sun

  since i was at HQ all day today, doing orientation, and they send you your first check when you sign up for direct deposit, i picked up my pay at the front desk. measly (thanks FICA), but money nonetheless, i went to the nearest location of my bank to make a deposit.
  i parked and waited for two women to finish at the ATM machine, in my car. they seemed perplexed walking away, but i went anyways. it seemed that somebody had left their atm card in the machine, grabbing the cash but forgetting to get their card back. the ladies had simply left the card, not using the ATM. without thinking, i took the card inside and informed one of the tellers that the card was left. i came back outside and made my deposit, to where a young black man walked up to me in the middle of my transaction.

  “um,” he said, “excuse me… did you see an ATM card…”
  i started to smile, “i just turned it in inside….”
  “i love you.”

  and he proceeded to grab me and kiss me on the forehead. er. you’re welcome. i would only want someone to do the same for me. he was lucky because i’m still broke.

  word.

  peace.

• Humid

  Posted: May 28, 2008, 5:12 am by chi

  soundtrak: coldplay :: viva la vida

  Viva la Vida - Coldplay

  - so much to write, so little time. i don’t like to stay on my computer for long when i get home since it runs hot and makes my room super hot. i end up turning it off and reading and writing (i’m not going to lie; i’ve been doing more reading than writing). i’ll read anything i can get my hands on: newspapers, magazines, books (just not my 400 books that i haven’t read yet, of course). usually with summer, for me, brings reading.
  - it is really summer; it was just straight hot and humid today. of course, i spent most of the day in lab, but still. gah summer!
  - hung out with some of the high school crew yesterday. ani called me up friday and invited me to a memorial day bbq with mr. forrest and his family. i haven’t seen them in 2-3 years since the last time we met and i had nothing else to do, so why not? the usual suspects were there: Y, B and ‘ana. what a mess; ani and ‘ana had a hot and heavy thing going on in high school that was never resolved and of course, B and i. but despite all that, a good time was had. forrest and wife have another child, a boy; just a month old, i got to hold and feed him. it was crazy; i don’t know what to do with newborns, i feel like i could break them. ani left early to meet up with his girl (more on him later; strange vibes from him), which left B or Y to take me home. just like old times. we tried to see if we could go see a movie (like old times), but i still have no money (even though B was ever so generous to pay for me) and i had to get up early for work this morning. B drove me home, which was weird. we have this thing; i hate his guts but he’s an ok guy. they are still trying to convince me to go the reunion, but i refuse. ani insists on paying (and i am not hating on other people paying), but i don’t know.
  - talking high school, CB called me friday too. it was good catching up; trying to go to a vegan restaurant soon.
  - it’s like any song from coldplay, i fall in love with; with me, coldplay can do no wrong. i was scared i wasn’t going to like this song, but i’m a sucker for ’strings’ songs (as a former violinist, of course…. is it former if i still own the violin).
  - i don’t really talk about work to friends; not because i’m not supposed to, but … i don’t know. the lab is small, just another biologist that also graduated from GU, who i will call jan, and a student that will stay for us up the end of the year. everybody gets along well and jan is crazy like i can get, so we have gelled well. the thing i like the most about work is that i live just down the road. granted, the road is crazy jammed during rush hour, but with the way i drive, i can get home in 20, which is about the same commute that i would have with the old lab without all the traffic. but i like it; it’s not as big as where i used to be, but i like the quiet and calm.

  peace.

• On a Good Note…

  Posted: May 21, 2008, 6:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: round the corner

  Round the Corner - London Elektricity

  - i know it’s been a minute. the desire to write comes and goes and i try to catch it when it’s here. good things have happened since i’ve last posted; mostly, i finally got a job. it started last week and back with the government, on the military side. that’s all i’m going to say about it since i don’t want to say anything inadvertently that would get me in trouble. but it’s work that i’m really excited about and i’m blessed. also, i will be paid. amen.
  - unfortunately, as i have gained employment, T has lost his. T seems sort of indifferent about it, but i know he probably feels differently (like i would, he wants no pity). i hope though that he takes it as an opportunity to finish college; that boy has been in college when *i* was in college. he only has 2-3 classes left to take and i feel that when he completes his degree, he’ll be (and feel) much more fulfilled.
  - i feel like jam and i are stuck. the issues that are holding back our relationship don’t seem to be resolving any time soon. maybe we’re not patient enough, but how long are we supposed to wait? how long do we put our lives on hold?
  - next month is my 10-year high school reunion. i’m not too excited about it and not so sure if i really want to go to it or not, as i still live in the area and all the people that i really cared about in high school (and vice versa) i am currently in contact with. everybody else are just acquaintances; they thought they knew me, but they didn’t. this lowers my desire to go even more. i’m surprised that T is going and conn is thinking about it; i wouldn’t pair them with that type of crowd. eh, to each his own i guess.

  more later; i have topics swirling in my head, so you’ll be hearing from me soon.

  peace.

• Pandora’s Box

  Posted: May 7, 2008, 4:23 am by chi

  soundtrak: klute :: savior

  i feel like i’ve opened pandora’s box.

  i know i’ve mentioned it before. i just don’t feel like i’m good enough; not smart enough, not pretty enough, not good enough for anything. no matter what anyone says, it’s always there, that small spot of doubt in the back of my head. of course, i feel like i’m competent enough to get most things done, but i just feel like it’s not good enough, it’s just okay. i’m not going to go into the reasons why i have developed these feelings; i know why. i know that the doubt is there. it’s just been easy to ignore, to bury, not to open.
  but now, it’s there, staring at me right in the face. and it is affecting how i feel about everything right now. there are decisions that i have to make but i don’t know if it’s God or my emotions taking over.

  i wish i could close the box and bury it again. i don’t know how to deal with this. it’s just easier to ignore, to bury, to forget. to move on. i suppose that’s why i never see hope at the bottom, even though it’s always there.

  peace.

• Another Again

  Posted: April 24, 2008, 4:53 am by chi

  soundtrak: john legend :: another again

  - i know this particular john legend album has been out for awhile and i wasn’t too terribly interested in it frankly, but this song popped on my pandora playlist. it’s a nice song; instrumental wise, not so much lyrics wise.
  - my tendonitis is flaring up again. i didn’t really do anything to agitate it, so i’m wondering why. other than lifting, i haven’t doing too much with it.
  - so i met with the pastor this past weekend, after service actually and he gave me the opportunity to talk to MB with pastor acting as mediator. i didn’t realize how upset i was still as i tried to keep my composure. MB started about all this stuff, that he has ‘pure love’ for me and whatnot, but love includes respect and he has only been completely disrespectful of my space and person. he just doesn’t seem to get it. i just hope that’s the last of it; i don’t want to go through this over again.
  - it’s too easy to quit, too easy to complain, too easy to do nothing about my graduate school dreams. it’s a little hard to explain, but i just see better things out there for me. it’s not going to be easy but i know i’m up for the challenge. i feel like something good is seriously coming my way. i don’t know what it i, but i feel the anticipation. something good is coming.
  - jam and i have been talking for about two weeks now. we did decide that we were just going to be friends and i think we’re both good with the decision, but the line for us is blurred and i don’t want to cross it or do something to cause him to cross the line, to end up back where we started. but he makes me smile, he makes me happy; he’s a blessing to my life.
  - what is this structure you ask? it’s oxytocin. this chemical is a neurotransmitter found in the brain, released at key moments to strengthen feelings of social recognition and bonding with other people. without oxytocin we’d all be lonely and nearly incapable of maintaining strong relationships. It can be released whenever you experience moments of touching or other interactions with people. some key moments of high oxytocin production include during breastfeeding, during the birth process, and even at the point of orgasm. both men and women produce oxytocin but men don’t feel the effects as strongly because of interference from testosterone. learn something new everyday. (source)

  peace.

• The Concept of Beauty

  Posted: April 22, 2008, 5:53 am by chi

  soundtrak: silence

  last week, my diva coach took me out to get a dress and makeup for my brother’s engagement party coming up (did i mention that my brother is engaged?). to enlighten you all, if i haven’t already before, i have no basis for the concept of beauty. i have never worn makeup in all my 28 years and i have had no desire to do so. i didn’t really care about how others saw me (i guess because i never really liked the way i looked myself), so dressing up, let alone shopping in general held no interest for me.
  we stopped at nord.stroms in the junior department. i have never shopped in the junior department ever. it’s still hard for me to adjust to my new size; i pick out clothes that are too big for me. diva coach picked out these dresses that i would never wear and we ended up settling on a long, sleeveless, strapless dress. i was kind of nervous purchasing it, but diva coach insisted that i could pull it off. we went over to the mac counter next and had my face done in colors that i would never have picked. “you need to get your eyebrows done,” the mac lady told me. how? where? when? i ended up not buying any makeup (because i’m still jobless) and i needed to go to vicky’s secret to get one of those strapless bras.
  this is hard. i don’t get it, but i’m trying to learn. i’m trying to be comfortable in my own skin.

  peace.

• Alone

  Posted: April 15, 2008, 9:37 pm by chi

  soundtrak: tennishero :: alone (ft. chelonis r. jones)

  my coping mechanism for dealing with stress is withdrawing from my environment. i stop talking, i stop writing. being around people becomes too much for me. i screen my calls.

  i woke up this past friday morning to work on my taxes when i received an email from jam. we agreed that we weren’t going to talk for at least a month, so i was surprised. i know that jam knows about this blog; i don’t know if he still reads it or not, but there are still some things that i just don’t talk about on here, so i won’t go into detail about the email. but it sort of threw me for a loop, then add persisting phone calls from my dad and i just shut down.
  this weekend, i went to church and ran into somebody that i haven’t seen in awhile. as i was greeting her, MB was walking around. i was keeping him at the corner of my eye. after my last encounter (second item), i made sure to completely keep away from this fool. like before, he accosted me; i asked him nicely to let go of me, then i threatened him with violence before i used violence. i know he thinks it’s all a big joke, but it’s not. he has no respect for my person. he doesn’t know that i can and if forced to, will take legal action on him. i talked to the pastor about it (and i sent a follow up email just now; i’m completely serious) and i hope it just gets resolved.
  after that whole thing, i was pretty peeved and my dad saw that as an opportune time to come and talk to me about…. well, about crap. i know i haven’t really spoken about all the family issues that have been going on and i don’t know if i will. that just made me even more upset because he couldn’t see how upset i was already. i drove to church that day, so i walked to the car, climbed in and just sat, windows up on a hot day. i know it’s weird, but the quiet and the heat calms me somehow. for some reason, my dad was not done talking to me and knocked on the window to berate me some more.

  ugh. today is a little better. it’s tax day; all of my savings went to taxes though, so that’s a little depressing, being broke. still looking for a job, looking to reapply to graduate school again. sometimes i think i just go through the motions.

  peace.

• New Growth

  Posted: April 9, 2008, 1:19 am by chi

  soundtrak: mint royale :: show me

  i was in target the other day and i saw these small pots in the dollar isle, so i thought: why not? i’m not the best gardener in the world, but just watching the seeds that i put in the soil germinate is amazing.

  i haven’t been able to write lately because i have been just going through too much in everything. i actually had this whole other entry written out about all the things that have been going on. and i was going to post it. but now i realize why i wrote it; so i can crumple it up and throw it in the trash.

  i’m a worrier; i worry about the future alot. where am i going to get the money from to pay my taxes? will i get accepted to this program? and everything seems to be happening all at the same time: my fellowship ended, jam and i decided that it would be best if we would be apart, boston rejected me, the irs audited me. Lord. all it seems i can do is pray and cry. why do i have to go through all these trials?

  but i realized, that like my plants, i am going through all these troubles (like i said, i’m not the best gardener in the world), but yet they grow. it doesn’t matter what they go through, but how they handle what they go through. God made these awesome flowers and plants that are resilient to the extreme of environments. can you imagine all the crap that we put our bodies through? and i’ve just been siting here, mourning my no-job, no-PhD having self. i have been dwelling on the trials themselves and not the reason why i’m going through them.

  God is using me to help others; i see it daily. i know that what i’m going through now will help somebody in the future. i don’t know how and i don’t know when, but it will. i know it’s also depends how i deal with everything that i’m going through now. when you think about all the great people that we esteem so highly in our society, we usually think about all the trials they went through and we barely think about why they are so successful; because of the way they dealt with their trials.

  i know people think i’m crazy to try to get back into school and i’m crazy to try to apply a third time. they wonder how i’m going to pay my taxes and penalties with no job. but i wholeheartedly trust in God and his plan. i know things aren’t going to make sense and things won’t go the way i’ve planned, but i don’t have to worry about anything and just do what he wants me to do.

  and like my plants, i grow.

  peace.

• Keep the Faith

  Posted: March 26, 2008, 8:46 pm by chi

  soundtrak: the velvet teen :: chimera obscurant

  (cherry blossoms on the tidal basin 2006)

  - i had the strangest encounter this morning. actually, i pulled into the parking garage later than usual due to an accident on the road on the way to work. anyways, i was taking the elevator down (which i usually don’t do; i take the stairs) with this elderly man. we made small chit-chat (which i also usually don’t do; i very much keep to myself). anyways, we started talking about work in general and i mentioned that my fellowship was ending this month. for 40 minutes, we talked about school and his PhD training experience; alot of the things he went through, i’m going through now. i know that my family and friends know and feel what i’ve gone through this past year, but this elderly man, sam, well he just understood; the depression, the disappointment and just trying to keep your head above water. i’m just really blessed that i had an opportunity to speak with him. he told me to keep the faith and good luck. such an awesome experience.
  - the cherry blossoms are almost in bloom. jam is coming into town at the end of next week, flying into regan. he usually doesn’t fly, but drive, so i was suprised. he wants me to come down into the city, meet him and see the blossoms. it’s nice, but i feel strange about it. i know he wants to see me and i want to see him, but it’s strange.
  - i’ve just been tired lately. i’ve been taking my vitamins, but i feel like i have no energy. i keep on waking up late and rolling out of bed. i definitely need this time off next month.

  more later.
  peace.

• Normalize

  Posted: March 18, 2008, 4:19 am by chi

  soundtrak: adamski :: one of the people/ fan modine :: pageantry

  

  - i fel like i’ve been out of it for the past couple of days. just distant and tired in general. everything seems to be wiping out my energy. i know i need a break after leaving work before i start temping. the environment, this situation that i find myself in completely drains me.
  - i don’t know how i feel about jam. we talked last week before he went on his trip. he asked me if i would consider marrying him, which i thought was funny since the same thought had been running through my mind days prior. i still don’t know about marriage. i never thought about it growing up and i don’t really think about it now (unless mom brings it up). it would not be a dream fulfilled for me. i guess it would be nice, but then again, i’m a very independent, solitary person. i’ll always remember what massander told, which i feel is one of my biggest strengths and weakness: i’m focused. once i got something in my head and i really want to do it, all my energy and time will go into it. unfortunately, i will sacrifice pretty much everything else including my health (read: coming into lab with the flu). so i know that my focus is not so much on relationships right now, even though with jam it is. i don’t know if that’s going to change anytime soon. then, to add on that, we’re already long distance. what to do, what to do…
  - my friend who hadn’t seen me in a while gave me a new nickname: skinny bitch. ha! of course, i don’t act (that) bitchy, but i remember growing up how i just wanted people to like me. i could be fat and unattractive, but it didn’t matter as long as i was liked. i know i have friends out there that really enjoy me for me, but sometimes i feel the anxiety that everybody is lying in my face. abbs is planning a going away dinner for me and i’m afraid that nobody is going to show up.
  - this weekend, much to the insistence of my newly appointed ‘diva coach’, i have emptied my closet of all the clothes that i cannot wear anymore, only to find that all the clothing that i can wear can fit in one very small suitcase. it was hard because those were clothes that i loved and spent alot of money on, but what use are they to me if i can’t wear them? this week, my diva coach will take me to buy makeup (sweet lord!) and other essentials. also as someone who has lost a large amount of weight, she understands some of the things that i’m going through right now. it feels like i’m having an out-of-body experience. i still dress and act the same way, which was usually a way to cover up my looks. i’m 28 and there are so many things that i haven’t done because my weight has been holding me back. so i’m trying to grow slowly out of my shell.
  - and a final note: i ‘m still waiting to hear from schools. things are progressing and solid, just very slowly.

  peace.

  - oh, oh…. okay… so… ncaa tourney: gtown vs. umbc? who the heck decided that? i know who’s going to win, but who do i root for? i have decided that i’ll always be a retriever at heart… go dogs!

• No Lab on Sunday

  Posted: March 10, 2008, 4:10 pm by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: my dreams

  

  - actually, it’s monday morning. i was supposed to come into lab yesterday to split some cells and start to pull together my presentation for thursday, but it seems that i have caught the flu with the strange symptoms from MD and another co-worker. i really can’t afford to be sick this week, so i’m pushing through it.
  - despite everything, i still feel like a loser and that makes me feel depressed. my time is ending here and i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything at all. i know i should be grateful and happy for what i have, what i have recieved, but i’m always the hardest one on myself, the most critical.
  - i. have. yet. to hear. from programs. i feel like deep down they want me to suffer a mental breakdown.
  - jam is a nice addition to the somewhat frequent phone calls i get from friends. i don’t know how i’m supposed to feel about the whole situation. i’m sure he’s just as confused as i am. i can’t even imagine myself married; how is that supposed to work.
  - i keep on thinking about, having vivid dreams about mr. unattainable. i think i have somewhat come to terms with his unavailability status, but he still haunts me. i had a dream this morning, but i don’t even remember what it was about. he was there though.
  - in about two weeks or so i’ll have the time to update more, update this site, as i will be out of a job. *sigh*

  update: so i’m wait-listed at one school and i should get an answer by the end of the week.

  peace.

• Typical

  Posted: February 22, 2008, 7:41 pm by chi

  soundtrak: yeah yeah yeahs :: turn into

  

  - T and i tend to go in this cycle. after i decide that i will talk to him again, we’ll talk almost everyday. we’ll meet up and it’s all good. it’s great. then, we’ll plan to do something or go somewhere and he’ll totally flake out on me for no reason. then i don’t talk to him for a period of time. he always, always does this; i don’t even know why i’m surprised anymore. this time, i was trying to hold my feelings back because i knew he was going to do it; i was waiting for it. it happened this week. he was supposed to go out with CB and i for dinner, but he made up some lame excuse like he always does. he’s unreliable. i don’t know why i thought it would be any different. talking to him this morning (i have to break the cycle don’t i?), i didn’t directly call him out on it, but i did:

  me: i can’t believe that you made it out to work; you know, with the snow and ice and everything [this is the reason he used not to come to dinner mind you]
  T: money
  me: i guess money trumps everything, doesn’t it
  me: it’s all good. everybody has priorities.

  i’m such an ass.

  - on sunday i was at work (i know, i’m a masochist), when B and Y called me (yes, both! on three way) to see if i wanted to catch a movie. i know i said a long time ago that i would never go out with these pair of losers again (somewhere it’s in my archives), but i was bored. and when i’m bored, i’ll do pretty much anything. out of all the outings i’ve ever had with these guys, this was one of the weirdest. it was like dating two guys at the same time, both trying to vie for my attention. i’m not used to being the pretty girl; i’m used to being ignored and left off to the side and i kind of miss that sometimes. anyways, B paid for my movie ticket while Y paid for my dinner (birthday month! i claim it!). it was like they were tag-teaming me or something. B would comment on my perfume and Y would sniff my neck. it was odd, but hey… free dinner (wow, i am an ass).
  - people in lab are driving me insane. i really, really didn’t want to come in today (especially with all the snow and ice, it would have been easy). the new biologist whistles all the time… and you know how much i hate whistling. the other postdoc talks on the phone to her friends in asia all. daggone. day. and then AW is a lazy bum who i cannot depend on. i just put on my earphones and escape to my music world. seriously, i’m tired of being run over by people. i guess, hence the ass-like behavior. waiting to hear back from schools and then dealing with these people, i’m stressed out. my counselor was right; i need a break. thank goodness i’m taking time next week. i think i’m going toe explode.
  - just when i thought it would be the end of another typical week, i got an email from jam; his birthday was last week and i sent him a care package (complete with chapatti.. yum!). he told me i was awesome. totally made my morning.

  peace

• Any Given Friday Morning

  Posted: February 15, 2008, 8:12 pm by chi

  

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: deep down

  - i did not want to come into work this morning, but somehow last night, over the phone, MD convinced me. i woke up at my ungodly hour and stayed in bed, watching the sun rise.
  - it felt like somebody else driving to work today, cutting off all those people. i couldn’t have done it better myself, thinking. it was amazing.
  - i will play a song to death if i love it. over and over and over again until i can’t stand it anymore. love it to death. this is the only song i’ve played this morning. my earphones finally kirked out on me. i already ordered the same exact ones on amazon.
  - i watched MD eat breakfast this morning and the pastry chef, who was sitting at a table near us, started to hit on me. he asked me my name; i said susan. then i hid my id badge under my shirt. i said no when he asked if he could call me sometime, but i thanked him for the attempted flirting (not as in “no thank you” but more like, “no, but thank you.”)
  - T and i talked about pies this morning. i asked him what pie flavored cookies were and our conversation jetted off. “i’d rather have pie,” he said. and instead of saying that ‘pies would be hard to ship, i think.’, because he would get jealous at the fact that i’m sending another guy a care package (even though he wouldn’t admit it), i say, “what kind of pie?”

  morning’s over. back to your regularly scheduled jobs.

  peace.

• Deep Down

  Posted: February 15, 2008, 5:00 am by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: deep down

  

  “you got something from a school,” al says. “what is it?” i ask. “a package.” i’m excited because i think it’s an interview package. but it’s not. i prop it against the living room table in my room and continue to watch the rest of seinfeld, the one with the moves and ‘assman’ plates. i open it finally, only because the parents want to see it. it’s all in latin.

  deep down, it’s a joke. it still feels like a consolation prize that i didn’t want. i don’t want congratulations for losing.

  my masters degree came in the mail today.

  peace.

• Pensive

  Posted: February 13, 2008, 5:47 pm by chi

  

  soundtrak: kings of convenience :: i don’t know what i can save you from (royksopp remix)

  - i’ve been sort of not in the mood for writing or even thinking for that matter. today is cold and we have a two hour delay at work, yet i’m still at work (even though we had no power when i woke up this morning). CB thinks i’m crazy.
  - being the complete masochist i am, i emailed mr. unattainable on his birthday this week. of course, he emailed me back, wishing me a happy (belated) birthday and telling me all the wonderful things going on in his life. he’s doing his oral comp exam today. i didn’t know if should be more upset about our whole situation or the fact that he’s proceeding with his PhD and i’m not. i still don’t know how to take it, but i’m feeling better about it today. i’m sure he’ll do just fine, i emailed him back. then trashed the conversation.
  - talking about schools… man, i don’t even know if i want to go into this… dr. a really, really screwed me over. she really messed with my future and i’m still upset about it. if you really want to know, email me. i can’t talk about it here. the good news is that everything is back on track and i hope to be hearing from the last two schools i applied to soon, so i can finally move on with my life already. i hate being in this holding pattern.
  - because of the whole thing that happened last week, lab has become a place that i don’t enjoy too much anymore (despite the fact that i’m here). i come later than usual and leave earlier than necessary. i just do the work. in less than a month, i’m out of here.
  - the whole picture-with-every-entry is holding me accountable to what i write. i can’t write crap anymore, well considering i have to find a picture or take one to post with it. i like it; it’s a challenge.
  - new music: so i have an account at the hype machine, which is good for finding songs that i’m interested in, but not sure if i want to buy yet. i downloaded alot of royksopp this week, which is nice. this remix i like alot. also, i got that new lenny kravitz’s single; i like it.
  - i’ve been cramping up alot during my workouts; mr. f says it’s because i’m way dehydrated, so i’ve been back on the water and eating better, which has jumpstarted my weight loss again. i drank up to 2-L a day, but stopped cold mainly because i hated going to the bathroom every 30 minutes. i guess in the name of health…
  - i would really, really like a valentine. that’s all i’m saying… some flowers would be nice.

  that’s all for now, i guess.

  peace.

• Tomatoes

  Posted: February 9, 2008, 6:04 am by chi

  

  “what is this?” i ask him. i’m looking down at the bag, frowning.
  “tomatoes. that’s what you wanted, right?” he wasn’t looking at me, so he didn’t see how disgusted i looked.
  in the bag were four tomatoes, red. ripe and seemingly picked off the vine. organic and virile. and i hated them. i liked my tomatoes processed and cleaned in a facility before they came to market. why did i have to take the stems off when they could do it for me?
  “i don’t like these kind,” i told him.
  he looked up then, “kira, they’re tomatoes. you wanted tomatoes and i got tomatoes.” he didn’t understand that i didn’t like these tomatoes.
  “i just don’t like these kind,” i repeated, under my breath. what was the use if he didn’t understand. it saddened me because it was just another thing he didn’t understand about me. i didn’t like these tomatoes.

• Happy Birthday

  Posted: February 1, 2008, 4:22 pm by chi

  soundtrak: john b :: without you

  

  as i type, it is 8:10am on the day of my birth. it’s freezing rain outside, everybody (including schools) are opening two hours later yet i’m still at work. i’m eating a breakfast of 5 different cereals mixed for my enjoyment. my second toe on my right foot is swollen after i slipped going upstairs last night on the wooden floor. it hurts like hell and my 2 year old sneaker is not making it feel any better.

  all i want for my birthday is a grad school interview. let us pray and hope. more later.

  peace.

• Timed

  Posted: January 31, 2008, 7:08 pm by chi

  soundtrak: taylor mcferrin :: georgia

  
  (caption: 38′ 05” out of 3hrs.)

  - i’ve been really busy lately. experiments picking up, i guess since i terminate in this lab by the end of march. trying to update my CV and cover letter by the end of the second week in feb. i also need to organize my lab notebook and make sure it’s up to date. i’m pushing back things because i don’t know where my money will be coming from in april. it’s disconcerting.
  - tomorrow is my birthday. yay. everybody wants to celebrate, but they don’t know where to get vegan cake from, so i’ve been getting alot of, “why don’t i just give you the money and you bake the cake yourself?” who bakes their own birthday cake?
  - B called me earlier this morning, just after i had finished part one of my experiment today. “when is your birthday?” he asked. “tomorrow.” “you lie!” he retorted. wtf? i’m not a liar; i don’t know, i just can’t do it. and he knows this (and why is he calling me?!). i think he still likes to get a rise out of me.
  - last week, i got a rejection letter from one of the three schools that i replied to. you know it’s a rejection letter; it comes early and it’s paper thin… nothing good comes out of paper thin letters. what was funny was they actually used the word ‘reject’ in the letter. i don’t feel too bad about it, but every time i come home, i’ve been praying not to get another one.
  - went to the car show last week with T and aabs; we had alot of fun and i was pretty much acting a fool, taking pictures of myself in cars like i owned them. the last time i saw T was when he came over to the house to pick up a CD; he met the parents. mom likes him alot, but i tell her it’s complicated. i don’t know however, for me or for him. or maybe both.

  ok. back to work.

  peace.

• Something New

  Posted: January 22, 2008, 4:55 pm by chi

  soundtrak: matthew dear :: elementary lover (dj koze remix)

  

  - i know i have yet to post my new 101/1001 list on here yet, but i have already crossed two things off my list already. yesterday, i went to my first GU basketball game; also, it was my first time going to the mci/veri.zon center. i know, it’s sad. i’ve lived in this area practically most of my life and i’ve never been to the veri.zon center. remember, i have yet tour the washington monument. i know… anyways, the game was good. i went with aabs and i clapped because i didn’t want to lose my voice again (i just got it back). we won by 2.
  - i know i’ve mentioned it before; my family and i are early risers. i don’t know if it’s because my parents grew up on separate farms where you had to wake up at the break of dawn, but if you dare sleep past 8am, you’re ‘wasting the day’ (as moms so lovingly yells at me whenever i do). it’s funny, because sunday, moms and i went to go visit my cousin and his new family in VA. so after our workout, she calls around 9am to see when we can come over. i wanted to stop her to tell her that it was too early; people are usually asleep, but i bit my tongue. lo and behold, i was right; everyone was fast asleep. i laugh because i came into work around 730 this morning (a personal ‘late’ for me) and sent emails about the car show this week and people are now emailing me back complaining that they haven’t even woken up yet… my bad, my bad… i’ve been up for 4 hours already.
  - new d n’ b downloaded this weekend, so i hope to update the radio.blog soon. sometimes, i just sit and peruse the electronica section in iTunes and see what’s come out.

  ok. on to the rest of my day.

  peace.

• Sick Day

  Posted: January 18, 2008, 3:57 am by chi

  soundtrak: lemongrass :: aloha

  

  - i’ve been sick since last weekend, but i had a bunch of meetings lined up for the beginning of this week, so i pushed through it. as a result, a cold that was only supposed to last 3-4 days is still with me. my common cold is a common cycle to me; the first two days, i get incredibly fatigued, followed by laryngitis for the next two-three days, with post nasal drip for a day and sore throat the next. anyways, the laryngitis should have been gone by now, but my voice is still gone. i woke up late this morning due to the medication i took the night before, but i decided that i need to take a break.
  - my family in kenya are safe and well and i’m grateful. my cousins who live here and were visiting right before the violence broke out returned safely home.
  - i haven’t been writing lately. i just haven’t felt like writing that much, but i have these stories and ideas swirling in my head, but they seem to die by the time they reach my fingertips. but in my head, lives and stories and voices. sometimes they wake me up at night with a start. now i need to work on the transfer part.

  

  - i realize that i have a serious problem just trying to relax. i just can’t do it. i haven’t seen a movie in theaters in months and i know i should watch season three of lost before it premieres in two weeks, but i can’t bring myself to set aside the time. my counselor says that if i continue down this path, i will certainly be taking some forced time off in the local hospital psych ward. i remember having this conversation with a friend of mine and simply put, he stated, “because it’s not important to you, you don’t give it time. i know that when something is important to you, you put the time and effort in it.” and it’s that simple; it’s true. but in the back of my head, i know it’s my health, mentally and physically. i don’t know.
  - i’m waiting to hear back from schools; all i need is an interview. although i hate waiting, i feel like i’m in a good place. even if i don’t get in anywhere this fall upcoming, i will feel good, i think. i know that this is something i want, so much that it’s turned into something i need, like air, food and water. i need to see this dream to completion. every time i think “what if i stop here”, i see nothing because i know i couldn’t live with myself if i did stop.

  

  - it’s that time of year again; washington auto show. i was contemplating taking a week off so i could do that ‘hands on’ win-a-car contest. eeh. i hope to get pictures from that though.
  - talking about pictures, i’m going to try to make it a point to take more pictures more often. or at least post more pictures with my entries. because everything goes better with pictures.

  peace.

• Waiting

  Posted: January 8, 2008, 5:07 pm by chi

  soundtrak: yppah :: longtime

  i find that i’m waiting for alot of things these days. waiting to hear back from schools, waiting to hear back about my job, waiting to hear back from my doctor, waiting to hear back from my family in Kenya (pray for them).
  with all this waiting, i can’t think, i can’t write. so i choose to remain quiet.

  but i’m still here.

  peace.

• What I Learned in 2007

  Posted: December 31, 2007, 9:08 pm by chi

  soundtrak: quiet daze: scenic route

  i was going to do this big review of 2007, break it down month by month, but it just seems too overwhelming. alot of crap happened this year. a whole lot of crap. so then i was going to do the top five things i learned this year, but really, i can boil it down to one.

  the only person that can hold you back is yourself.

  and that pretty much applied to everything that happened to me this year. to passing my classes, getting dismissed to my program, filing an appeal, earning my masters, losing 130 pounds (and 10 dress sizes!), singing more solos, putting myself out there, to my current work situation. anything is possible and if it doesn’t work one way, try another way. i know this time last year, i thought life was great. in the middle of the year, i was in despair. but now, on the cusp of 2008, i know God holds so many things for me… the sky is the limit. i did things in 2007 that i thought i would never be able to do, i learned more about myself than i thought i would never learn. i also remembered that the trials that we’re put through help us to grow stronger, so i’m grateful for those too.

  so thank you 2007 for making me better than i thought i could be.

• Au Revoir

  Posted: December 27, 2007, 3:20 pm by chi

  soundtrak: halloween, alaska :: call it clear

  today, i was talking to CB throughout the day about my dream (two posts ago) and my interpretation of it (last post). for me, CB represents a carefree attitude that i know i have rejected throughout the years; i have issues with trying to relax. the car represents my drive and i know it’s loss represents the ordeal that happened to me this year. i remarked to CB, “it’s kinda sad; i feel like i’m moving on from this situation, but my subconscious keeps on bringing it up over and over.”
  “yea… sometimes when your subconscious brings things up in your dreams - its mos def time to deal with it,” CB said, “face it head on…things in your dreams… that “shake” you… pay attention to it.” ooh, i hate it when she’s right.

  today was also cute postdoc’s last day at work. of course, in true CB fashion, CB tells me to go over there and “just do it.” ever since i’ve met cute postdoc i had the feeling that there was something more to it. i didn’t quite get it until recently; he’s my opportunity to step out of the box.
  in the end, i was nervous as hell, but i went over and in french (he was quite surprised and impressed; you know i didn’t take 5 years for nothing), i told him goodbye, good luck and to have a safe flight. after, i felt so much relief; i was so glad that i just did it. just to show to myself that i can do it.

  peace.

• A Dream Deferred

  Posted: December 27, 2007, 7:48 am by chi

  soundtrak: feist :: how my heart behaves

  from dream dictionary, keyword interpretation of my previous dream; it makes so much more sense now…

  CAR:

  To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

  To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.

  STORE:

  To dream of grocery or convenience store, suggests that you are emotionally and mentally strained. Alternatively, you may be brainstorming for new ideas or looking for the various choices out there for you.

  STRANGER:

  To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice.

  FLIRTING:

  To dream that you are flirting or that someone is flirting with you, represents your need for intimacy and affection. You may be about to enter into a serious commitment or relationship in the near future.

  STRANDED:

  To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking for someone to help and rescue you from your situation.

  WORK:

  To dream that you are at work, indicates that you are experiencing some anxiety about a current project or task. The dream may also be telling you that you need to “get back to work”. Perhaps you have been slacking and need to pick up the pace.

  FRIEND:

  To see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.

  To see your friends, saddened and troubled, in your dream, signifies sickness and distress upon them.

  To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting that you have been acting in a childish manner and you need to start acting like an adult.

• Only in my Dreams

  Posted: December 26, 2007, 11:55 pm by chi

  soundtrak: commix ft. steve spacek :: how you gonna feel

  - so i’m sitting in lab this morning, waiting for AW to come with the mice already so i can start this experiment. i don’t know; i’m not so much peeved that i had to come into work this morning, because i have work to do, but the fact that i do have work to do. because if i didn’t, i wouldn’t have to come in. that’s circular logic for you.
  - i’ve been having a hard time waking up for the past month. usually, i set my alarms (yes, i have more than one) for a certain hour, i wake up to turn them off, then i go back to sleep and wake up an hour late. i don’t know if it’s just because i’m more tired lately or what. i’ve tried everything to taking naps to going to sleep early (which usually doesn’t work because i just end up staring at the ceiling for most of the night), but the trend continues. anyways, i was starting to have a dream when my alarms woke me up this morning. of course with the obvious joy i had about coming into work today, i promptly fell back asleep, to where i had another strange dream: i was coming into work and i decided to leave my car at the entrance to the parking garage. i don’t know why and in the back of my head i knew that my car was going to get towed, but i walked through the garage maze and ended up at macy’s but then i realized that i needed to be in lab and not macy’s, so i walked back. and i knew my car would be gone, i could feel the dread well up in my throat, but i was still surprised to find it gone. i looked down the road and saw my friend CB, P and a couple of other high school friends talking (not really arguing, but more talking) with this kinda cute guy with a tow truck. the guy was towing CB’s car and everyone was trying to talk him out of it. i knew, somehow, that this guy knew what happened to my car. so i started talking to him and he started flirting with me. at first, i was very uncomfortable about it, but i knew that they only way that i would get my car back was if i flirted with this guy. then i woke up. it was just so strange. usually, i can track the components of a dream and know where it all came from, but my dreams for the past couple of weeks are so random, i can’t make sense of them.
  - some time later…: okay, i’m done setting up that experiment. i was about to go home when the other boss dude invited me to cute postdoc’s going away party. being my anti-social self, i wasn’t planning on going, but i feel like i need to. not for cute postdoc’s sake, but mine. i’m always running away, i’m always not facing up to my fears. i just need to do it already. i’m scared as hell (MD and AW left me by the wayside and my other hangout buddies are not here) and time is ticking down, but i’m sticking to my guns. i need to prove to myself i can do this. i’m sure my therapist would say the same thing.
  - some more time later… : (dude, i need to publish this entry already) okay, so it wasn’t that bad. i have a tendency to inflate things to larger than thou proportions. i didn’t eat the cake (i couldn’t), but they took pictures. ugh! i hate pictures, but cute postdoc insisted. it was akward at first because i was straight standing in a corner by myself, but one of the other doctors from a lab across the hall came over. she’s very nice, so i talked to her for awhile before the picture taking began. so i did it; i’m glad. i’m making strides over here. CB wants to see pictures.
  - this holiday, i’m catching up on reading my wired mags (i am such a nerd!) and all the daggone books i keep on buying. it’s like chewing lard; i’m just knawing away at it.
  - the social calendar: meeting up with crispy (yay!) and hopefully T on saturday, meeting up with the biochem crew on sunday and wedding on monday.
  - chiiq.com updates: i made the music files for the end of the year playlist (well, maybe i should do that… make a best of 2007 downloads… maybe i’ll do that as an entry), but i haven’t uploaded them yet. i will today. also, updating bookshelf (i should put reviews on there… mental note), and the 101/1001 list (after i passed the deadline for my last one without finishiing most of it). also, a year in review.

  peace.

• Unavailable

  Posted: December 20, 2007, 2:48 am by chi

  soundtrak: lemongrass :: aloha

  so i’m still at work (despite the fact the boss has left to do christmas shopping and i have nothing else to do) because i’m meeting CB for dinner in town and it’s better than going home and then coming back out. i’m not the kind of person to do that.
  i haven’t written anything due to the combination of no time and not having a desire to write anything. currently, i’ve finished my grad school apps (amen!) and things are light in the lab because of the holiday season. i’ve had this window open all day and still i have had no desire to write. i figure if i start writing, the words will come. it’s working somewhat.

  so MD and i were taking a lunch break today when cute postdoc walked by. he gave his, what we call, exit seminar on tuesday and it was received very well; he did alot of work in a short amount of time and presented it very well (these are the types of people that should be assistant professors). this morning, i remarked to MD how i had a dream that cute postdoc was leaving and he gave us office supplies (?) as gifts. i got a hole puncher and apparently was very upset at the fact that i did. i remember saying, “what am i going to do with a hole puncher?” (i mean, i already have one…). MD also had a dream about cute postdoc, to which she was going to go over to talk to him, but found that i was already talking to him. about what, i don’t know, but i’m kind of scared because MD’s dreams have a tendency to come true.
  anyways, so he walks by and MD says “hi” really loud, as my back is turned towards him. speak of satan. he says hello to us individually (”hello chi,” in that sultry accent of his), but the conversation is mostly between MD and him (i do not/cannot get a word in edgewise..) with MD asking him a barrage of questions. but of course, the whole time he’s having this conversation with her, he’s looking at me. what’s. up. with. that.
  and this whole getting hit on by unavailable guys thing just gets me riled up; in the course of several months, i have been hit on by guys that are unavailable (including cute postdoc and mr. unattainable). i don’t know if it’s a scent i’m wearing or a sign or something, but it’s annoying to reciprocate back and then find out, “oh, i have a girlfriend/fiancée/wife.” it was funny because al’s friend/college roommate/neighborino dropped by last friday and asked me a couple of questions based on the fact that i’m a girl and he needed a girl’s p.o.v. basically, he was asking if a guy could/should ask a girl out even though they both know that she’s in a relationship. so, out of recent bitterness of cute postdoc’s unavailability, i asked queried him about my dilemma. basically, he told me that i must be doing something because it can’t be a trend if i’m doing nothing. ugh. no help.
  but talking to my other male friend (who is married and i’m quite sure harbors no romantic feelings for me), told me that guys like the chase, they like independence, they like it when girls seem “disinterested”. but the thing is, i’m disinterested because they’re unavailable. duh. *sigh*. i just need a nice normal (because chi don’t do crazy either), available, nice man to come a-knocking.

  i do want to eventually expand further on my obliviousness (obtuseness is more like it) when it comes to men, but perhaps in another entry. lots of other things have been happening, especially with work and just a deterioation of conditions, but just talking about it depresses me and i choose not to talk about it until i can articulate all my points clearly.

  smaller tidbits:

  - christmas is seriously ripping me a new one; i’m so beyond my budget and with apps fees and transcript fees and gre score fees, i missed the mark a long time ago.
  - finally! finally! i have broken the 200 mark; i am currently 198 pounds. some people have come up to me, worried that i was wasting away, but it’s hard for me to see a skinner version of me… maybe because i see myself everyday (duh!), but i still look feel percieve myself as big. i do have a smaller goal of another 40 lbs, but as for long term, i’m just feeling it out.
  - new music! awesome! will update on here with that soon.

  anyways, it’s almost time to go and these people just decided to do a late delivery (and who is the one stuck dealing with it… me, of course).

  mahalo.

• Someday

  Posted: December 7, 2007, 8:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: the strokes :: someday

  - i always liked this song, but i just recently downloaded it. free thanks to CB.
  - when was the last time i wrote an entry? i know it’s been awhile. i just came back from this conference (that was actually in the city so i didn’t really go anywhere) and i started on my applications which are 1/2 done already (in one day? i’m amazing!). there have been things to write about, but i haven’t really had the time.
  - soooo…. MD found out that cute postdoc is married (the cute ones are always married) and chi don’t do married… so the bet is off. i don’t feel too bad about the whole thing, at least with cute postdoc (or embarrased about it eithe