Items by chi

Delusions of Grandeur

• Dream Crusher

  Posted: July 23, 2010, 12:31 am by chi

  soundtrak: talking heads :: this must be the place (native melody) (extended version)

  when was the last time T and i have had a decent conversation; deep stuff next time, i promise.

  T’s away message: screw that, i’m replying to all!!!

  me: you always reply to all…
  T: It’s what the public wants… I know it
  me: yeah… ok…
  T: I’m crushed
  me: who am i to crush your dreams?
  T: Someone has to, might as well be you. Did I tell you I want to be a Ninja?
  me: you always make [me] the bad guy…
  me: so… you cannot be a ninja; ninjas are not real.
  me: how’s that for soul-crushing?
  T: I’m never gonna amount to anything.
  me: i still got it!!
  me: BOOMshacka-lacka!
  T: SMH… LOL

• Late (Mental) Arrivals

  Posted: July 4, 2010, 3:50 pm by chi

  soundtrak: everything everything :: schoolin’

  i feel like i’ve been avoiding writing this post until the last possible minute. my emotions have been all over the place this past week; i think i would have been having an anxiety attack right now (or at the airport or on the plane), had jan not told me that she felt that i was close to having one. there are exercises that i’m supposed to do to help me ‘calm down’ and i feel a little bit better about relinquishing control to the things i can’t control anyways.

  but if there’s something i’ve learned about myself on this day is that i am a complete control freak (which i knew somewhat) and i *must* accept this about myself. i think that sometimes i try to shy away from the fact or i try to be a ‘sport’ when i let others choose for me or even insist that they do so, but in reality, i hate it. i think i know i do this because there is that 5% that doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing or doesn’t know how it’s going to turn out, so if this is going to end up badly, it’s good that it’s somebody else’s fault, right? but i’m a big girl now and i have made several life-changing life-altering (does that deserve a hyphen?) errors and i’ve had to suck it up and apologize and be wrong. and i’m sure that i will make a lot more (especially in my 30s); it’s nothing that i can stop, but maybe it’s the fear that’s holding me back.

  and i think i wrote this down yesterday: fear and anxiety are two different entities to me, even though they are the same thing. fear isn’t something so scary to me because it’s something i can control (i.e. turn off a scary movie, decide to go sky diving, even though i’m deathly afraid of heights… i still get to control aspects of that event), while anxiety is where i am completely out of control. but that’s life, right? there are just things that you can’t control. i’m just trying to keep the anxiety from controlling the things that i *can* control..

  i always hate writing when i’ve come to realizations, but then at the same time, i feel like i don’t have anything to write about when i don’t. it makes this blog very disjointed. anyways, i’m leaving today for two weeks. i don’t know if i’m going to actually post entries while i’m there, let alone writing in general. i guess we’ll see.

  peace.

• Insomniac’s Creativity

  Posted: June 10, 2010, 8:33 pm by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: syncopated city revisted

  - i woke up this morning to workout, but i’ve been feeling under the weather lately, so i decided not to go to the gym. i tried to go back to sleep, but i couldn’t: my mind was racing. sometimes this happens and i get ideas that just can’t stay in my head. so i got up and started writing; i ended up writing a somewhat complete outline for a book of short stories. i think it might work; now i need to stop being lazy or get a ghostwriter. i’ll probably post some outtakes here, i don’t know. i’ve been keeping my creations close to my chest.
  - looking for a job right now officially sucks; i think just because everybody is trying to find a job right now and willing to take whatever. according to everyone i’ve talked to, i’m doing everything that i’m supposed to be doing, it’s just going to take awhile. i’ve also been looking into taking summer classes or GRE classes (yes, i’m still on the PhD thing…), just trying to stay positive, which is hard, especially when i have a bad day. but i suppose if i just take it one day at a time and i am glad of the positives i do have: i’m still going to Kenya in July, my health in general is much better (i don’t have this constant feeling of dread or depression feeling in my chest) and i’m feeling more upbeat than working at that place. so i’m going to go with that.
  - maybe half of my problem is that i don’t like to leave the house. jan said that she worries that i will become a hermit, which is warranted. i don’t like to leave the house unless i really need to. why go to the movies, when i have netflix? why to go a restaurant, when i can cook? i’m very much a self-contained individual: it doesn’t take alot to keep me happy. just give me an interesting book and some great music and i’ll keep myself entertained. but sometimes i find myself staring at my blue walls wondering if i’m just slowly going crazy…

  i feel like my mind gets a little too carried away sometimes. i have all these ideas and topics that i want to write here, write in general, but i feel like i can’t catch up or i don’t know how to write it. these posts would be much longer, but i guess i should just dish what i can take, what i can handle. so i’m going to keep this short and sweet.

  peace.

• Some Thoughts…

  Posted: June 7, 2010, 7:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: tonic :: if you could only see

  - i can imagine us living in philly; south philly, in the same house my friend lived in before she got sick. before she went off the grid. i found her, but i just can’t bring myself to just email her. maybe because things are just better the way they are. but, him and i, we are living in this house and we’re happy. life is good. but it’s a different life stream, an alternate reality that i don’t live in.
  - to make the long story short: i was fired from my job. it’s a good thing because i could instantly feel the stress melt off me; i’m feeling physically better than i have in months. the bad part is that i don’t have a job. but people know what they did, they know the wrong that they did. and that’s all i’m going to say about that. but i do have alot more time on my hands now; at least to write here, right?

  there is more in this mind of mine, but i can’t write it all now.. so maybe later, yeah?

  peace.

• Another New Day

  Posted: May 2, 2010, 2:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: jazzanova :: another new day

  february was really the last time i wrote a post? i almost can’t believe it myself. a lot has happened between then and now. some, i have been writing down and some have just been bouncing, bouncing, bouncing in my head.
  but it’s a new day. with each day that passes, it’s another new day and that’s how i keep on going i guess. i’m not where i want to be, but it’s another new day. i didn’t get into school, but it’s another new day. i’m alone and i’m trying to buy a house, it’s another new day. stress is causing my high blood pressure, but it’s another new day. i cling to “it’s another new day” because right now it’s my only hope. time passes, but time is supposed to pass. that’s what happens. i think about all the entries i wanted to write, but it’s another new day. so today, i just decided to write. here’s to hoping that i write more.

  peace.

• Chi Mentality

  Posted: February 8, 2010, 8:07 pm by chi

  soundtrak: deadbeats :: you never know

  - D called me last night (during the superbowl… do these people not understand the do not disturb… i’ll explain later..). i couldn’t bear to pick up the phone and he left a voicemail. i haven’t heard it yet; i don’t know if i’m going to listen to it. he texted me about two days after my birthday asking when it was again. usually, he’s better than this, always getting an annual birthday card from him. i know i still have to talk to him, but i don’t even know how to start.
  - so last monday was my birthday. i’m 30. i feel different, but the same. i don’t know. they had a surprise party for me last saturday (which got snowed out), which then turned into sunday, where the people you know who really care will really show up. we had a grand ole time; i never laughed so hard in all my 30 years (lol!). Y didn’t show, called a day later (during Lost; how. many. times. do i have to say it? don’t call. text. email me during my show! geez! i only ask for small things…).
  - i don’t know if it’s because of the snow systems that have passed through within the past two weeks, but i’ve been thinking about what really happened between Y and i. i’ll admit error on my part; i felt like our friendship was slipping away, wanting to be closer and i mistook caring for desire (or maybe the other way around). unfortunately there is no star trek: voyager harry kim reset button (i mean, watch a couple of episodes; they reset that character every episode! no growth whatsoever!); things can’t be the same way they used to be. in the end, Y is caring, but to a point; sometimes he asks questions that really don’t need to be asked, when sometimes all you need is a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. we cannot be the friends that i thought we could (should) be.
  - 1. i came up with that conclusion when T told me that i expect too much out of my friends (read: i expect too much out of him). so i have learned not to expect so much out of him anymore. when he didn’t show up last sunday, i wasn’t surprised. i also have some other conclusions to that, but i’m not sharing.
  2. jam was totally that friend that i could cry on, but i think i did expect too much from him. too much that he couldn’t give. eh, my barometer is off.

  - i think jan and i were eating lunch one time last week when we observed a woman, eating lunch alone, reading a book. did you ever eat lunch like that, when you were a kid? she asked. i actually used to eat lunch in the bathroom, then run to the library, where i would study, read, whatever in solitude. i was that nervous, that shy. i guess people find it a bit shocking, weird, funny. i don’t seem to be that kind of person that would have ever needed to do that, jan expressed to me later in lab. i shrugged. that’s life. so how does it really feel like to be 30? she asked. it had been a couple of days. i don’t know, i focused on writing on tubes that i would aliquot deoxyribonucleotide triphosphate into. the past four years have been a growing experience for me; i know what i want and what i don’t want. are you happy? she stopped her work for a moment. i knew where this question was coming from. i have this quirk: i’m never satisfied with the results. be it data, the end of books, the end of events, the completion of degrees. ok, maybe satisfied is not the right word. there is a sense of completion… or not. i’m always moving on, quickly: what’s next, let’s go. i got it from my father, who instead of congratulating our perfect scores or As, always reminded us not to lax on our studies so that we wouldn’t get that next A. this had resulted in a pretty good career (if i would say so myself), but it’s hard for me to look back and appreciate it. sometimes it’s good just to move on, to what’s next, what’s better, but you have to be able to appreciate where you came from. now that i think about it, my parents barely do that themselves. and they came from alot. when is the time to do that though?

  peace.

• Subtle

  Posted: January 23, 2010, 4:45 am by chi

  soundtrak: erykah badu :: sometimes

  he is the king of subtly. and it drove me wild.

  people always think it’s the big things, when in fact it’s really in the details. i’m analytical by nature, i can’t help it. a gaze, a graze, a breath was all it took to set me twirling down a rabbit hole of question and doubt.

  where am i going with this? i don’t know. i miss it sometimes. i miss talking with him, the mental stimulation. i miss feeling desired i guess.

  peace.

• Déjà vu

  Posted: January 22, 2010, 3:20 am by chi

  soundtrak: phoenix :: countdown

  - i think i mentioned before, i’ve had an increase of dreams during the time that i was finishing applications. they were very symbolic of what i was feeling at the time. once i finished, the dreams petered out, but now i have been having an increase of déjà vu. during the day, i’m starting to see things that i have ‘already seen’ months prior. the thing about my déjà vu is that it’s of the most random things or events. one event, i was driving in the car with mom, passing under an overpass on 495. i was just sitting there, as it happened again, thinking how weird it was that i remembered every last detail, down to the conversation we were having just as we passed under the bridge. i don’t know what it means to have more instances of déjà vu; some research suggests that it’s just a way for our brain to digest stimuli that we haven’t had the chance to get through (when we dream of such situations during sleep).
  - talking about digesting of stimuli: i wouldn’t call myself a distracted person, but when i focus on something, i focus. be it an assignment or getting rice milk from giant. i don’t waver, i walk directly, with purpose to my destination and get what i need to get. i don’t buy anything else when i go to the store; if i need rice milk, i’m getting rice milk. often this leads to missing out to others around me. sometimes, i’m shocked when i meet an old friend or somebody from church at the store, because i don’t expect them there; that’s not my expectation. jan says that i do it on purpose; “i know you’re smart enough to be aware of those around you.” i suppose, but sometimes, i feel like it’s too much energy to thing about what’s around me. this happens to me all the time at work: i have a series of experiments that i plan on starting or getting done during the day, but then somebody comes in and needs help with a protocol/equipment or wants to borrow a reagent and my time is split. i end up not completing everything on my short list. i don’t know; i’m still trying to find the balance.
  - jan also mentioned to me that i purposefully hide myself in the background. i don’t deny this; it’s true. i used to be in the background. i used to be “that girl who’s always in the library all the time.” but i didn’t mind so much because i was pretty much left alone; i felt that i could do whatever i wanted and not be judged for it. well, not as critically. but as i started to lose weight, i inadvertently became part of the foreground. it’s a little disconcerting because i don’t know how to react; they never had a class for this. it makes me nervous and self-conscious. so i tend to stay quiet, stay hidden. but i don’t know how to bust out. i want to. jan says that i just should, but i don’t even know where to start.

  (written)
  - i guess i should come out and say it, if you haven’t already guessed it: whm is mr. unattainable. when i first met him, there was some sort of energy that passed between us. things like that just happen, you can’t ignore it. anyways, eventually i found out that he was engaged to be married and eventually did get married. what else is there to say about that? then i left GU, but he continued. (last) wednesday night, i got a message from him inviting me to his thesis defense the next day. i’m still trying to figure out why everything works out the way it does. maybe i just think too hard into these things. it just so happened that i really didn’t have alot of work to do that week. just to keep it real, i was scared out of my mind; when i hype things up, i get super anxious and i tend to pull my disappearing acts. somehow, i mustered up the strength to just go. like i said before, i just don’t understand why things work out the way they do. i left home later than i wanted to, but grateful that medical school was on winter break, making parking much easier. so i parked in the back and i had to walk up an insane amount of steps in order to get to the back entrance. somebody called my name, out of breath i turned around. speak of satan: mr. unattainable. in my mind, i’m thinking: are you kidding me? we talked for a bit, which was nice. his seminar was unbelievable; it was very extensive. there was no doubt in my mind that he was going to pass. afterwards, we couldn’t even look each other in the eyes as we said our goodbyes. overall, it was a good experience.
  - so i met up with the biochemistry crew way before the beginning of the new year, but i have been unable to talk about what really happened that day. first off, i was having serious doubts about going in the first place. but i had already missed the last get-together and nic was pissed at me for doing so. i was really feeling depressed at the time and i really didn’t want to see my (successful) friends when i felt i had nothing to offer (them). i was still feeling this way when the 2nd get-together came around, but i really wanted to make an effort for nic. it was to the point where i was in the parking lot and i seriously wanted to turn around and go home. but i went. lunch was pretty awkward, but the worst didn’t happen until after. D insisted that he walk me back to my car. i was really trying to avoid talking to him about my whole school situation. at this time, i was still in the mist of applications (even though i planned to be finished a long time ago), my GREs were not so great and i was already just depressed with life in general. in short, with that conversation, when i was seeking comfort and support, D just shattered my spirit instead. literally, my heart was breaking. you know, some people you just don’t listen to, if they tell you words that are positive or negative, because they don’t have the best in mind for you. i know that D does (he still does) have the best in mind for me. so to hear him say those things to me really hurt me. i cried for says. unfortunately, i don’t think he even realized what he did (even though i was unsuccessfully holding back tears as he was talking to me in the car). it’s not that i will never talk to him again, but i don’t even know how to bring this up with him, even though i know i should. also, i’m weary of sharing anything with him right now. just not right now.

  more soon.
  peace.

• Ask Me…

  Posted: January 12, 2010, 2:14 am by chi

  soundtrak: sportscenter

  i sure did fall on the bandwagon…Ask me anything [formspring.me]

  peace.

• Late Nite

  Posted: December 25, 2009, 10:37 am by chi

  soundtrak: wiz khalifa :: the thrill

  i have been having the worst time sleeping through the night. i don’t know if it’s just stress, but it’s been worse this month of december. i actually have to get up and read or workout or check my email to get myself tired enough to actually get some sleep, lest end up staring in the dark for the rest of the night.

  usually these nights, my mind is running a mile a minute. i think i must of inherited this from mom, who stays up worrying about everything under the sun. sometimes i wonder how she even functions with the lack of sleep she gets.
  anyways, this night is no different. it’s 1.30 in the morning and i am wide awake. i really do think of some weird sh*t; don’t say i didn’t warn you.

  random thoughts running through my head right now:

  + wow. my 20s kinda sucked. okay, they didn’t suck too bad. i wouldn’t necessarily do anything over but i wouldn’t change anything either. it’s just kinda … meh.
  + i feel like people don’t listen to me, especially when it comes to what i want. for example, christmas. there are specific things that i want and for some reason, my family loves to ignore it and get me things that make me go “wtf?”. the brothers are good though, but i think only because they’re guys and they couldn’t get me something based off the notion, “what would chi like?”. mom always gets me clothes that i don’t want. i barely have a style as it is, but i do have a style. no matter how many times i tell her, i know i will always get a sweater/blouse/slacks, her unconscious way of telling me that i need to dress like an adult… um, hello, that’s why i went into research… have you seen the way those scientists dress?
  + i feel like i can’t be around happy people right now. i think that’s why i’ve been incognito for a minute, not returning phone calls or emails. i haven’t been in the greatest mood for the past couple of months now. i wish i could just explain it to people (but then i don’t feel like calling). it’s amazing, i can live for months in a funk; and you wonder why i don’t know what true happiness is…
  + i think it’s because of applications, but i keep on having dreams about school. the last four dreams i’ve had, i have been in a school environment, be it elementary school, college or graduate school. i cannot wait to finish this already…
  + i think i should just try something new: i should be an athlete for a minute. i could do it; i don’t have a life already, so i could just spend my time training. i don’t have to be number one or anything; i just want to compete. or maybe a singer… like you know, as one that can actually sing. don’t have to be super popular or famous, just cut an album and put my voice out there. that would be cool.
  + actually, i would totally go out running right now, in the middle of the night, if it wasn’t the cold of death outside… i do have my limits. but i do need to increase and better my fitness. it’s not a new year’s resolution, when you just need to do it. just do it! you know, ultramarathon man barely sleeps, he runs so much… i could totally train myself to do that… i think. well, when i’m not up, i do love sleep more.
  + there are things that i just need to ‘just do’. i have become the worst of procrastinators (i was never this bad).
  + things can be different, you just have to know that the only person you can change is you, you effect what you bring into your environment, into your world. there are lots of things that you can’t control, but there are alot of things you can.
  + i used to think i was short. when i was 17, they took my height and the nurse told me my height was “5, 5-1/2″ but she never clarified what she meant. so, for years, i thought i was 5′ 5-1/2”, only to discover that i’m probably 5′7”, 5′8” (she really meant 5-1/2 of the foot, which is about 5′7″… hello! what kind of funky shorthand is that?). it’s a little scary, but i makes sense because i’m a smaller size than what i thought i would be at the weight that i’m currently at now. did i shortchange myself in life?

  okay, let me get a couple of hours. merry christmas and all that.

  peace.

• A Day Late…

  Posted: December 21, 2009, 5:30 am by chi

  Tags:   

  and a dollar short…

  122009.mp3

  this took me entirely too long to do; writing is easier.

  talking about:
  - the snow
  - iPods (plural)
  - grad school apps
  - my upcoming trip to Kenya

  soundtrak: mingle :: take it easy on me
  

  warning: i am very boring.

  peace.

• War of My Life/North

  Posted: December 8, 2009, 5:57 am by chi

  soundtrak: john mayer :: war of my life

  - i know i haven’t written in awhile, so this post is going to ramble a bit. things have been so-so, but i don’t want to complain. complaining is tiring. some things i’ll talk about and some things i won’t.
  - people are starting to say that i look more and more like my mother everyday. it’s kinda weird because people have said that looked more like my dad than anyone else. but when i look at my grandmother, i see how similar my mom looks to here. i have been having issues with my looks lately, things have just not been fitting quite right.
  - i also feel like i have been a little lost lately. just all over the place. but i feel like i need to be in another place in order to get some direction and stability. not spiritually, but physically. as in, not in maryland. as much as i love my hometown (DMV til i die baby!), i feel like it’s time for me to go. not leave permanently, but just go for a bit.
  - i really couldn’t sleep yesterday (friday). i was thinking about too many things at the same time: school, family, guys (i guess…). life in general. maybe because i’m turning 30 in less than two months. i don’t know what i’m going to do for it or even if i want to do anything at all. i want to own something. i want to be something, to be somewhere. but i feel so unaccomplished. so i have been distant from everyone lately. but i can’t really complain about life. i’m physically fit, i’m in an okay place financially, i have a place to live and i’m able to help the people i love. despite all this hardship, i continue to have the faith that things will get better. eventually.

  soundtrak: phoenix :: north

  - all that was written above i wrote down with pen and paper a couple of days ago. frankly, it’s hard for me to write these days, even when i want to. so i end up having all these ideas and problems and revelations swimming in my head, trying to find their way out; i can’t seem to figure out the words that i want to use to express myself. so i’m going to stop looking for the right words and just write what i can, when i can, about what i can. and just leave it like that.
  - i have had a personal ban on Y for several months. i didn’t realize that i could be so scathing, cruel, so strong-willed. but i can. Y emailed me two days ago i think. i don’t like that; i don’t like being on other people’s time schedules. life doesn’t work out that way. i emailed him back. brief. i can be nice, but i don’t have to care. i don’t know what he wants anyway.
  - it’s funny: i could be the worst friend in the world. i can stop being your friend; i can drop the line of communication and never speak to you again, if you’re not worth it. i don’t know if it’s because i am getting older and i’m getting to a place that i’m comfortable enough not to care what people think about me anymore. people like Y. but i will admit that i have been distant with people that i do care about. i didn’t go to the biochem meet-up; i lied and said that i had to work. i don’t know. i couldn’t face nic, D and the boy. i felt ashamed compared to them. i don’t even know why i compare myself to them. well, i do know ‘why’, but i don’t know why i do. it hurts, it’s painful. what do i have to bring to the table?

  that’s all i got right now.
  peace.

• Loser

  Posted: October 12, 2009, 7:59 pm by chi

  soundtrak: beck :: loser

  i’m sitting at home stuck. why, you ask? well, first, i was looking for my car keys this whole weekend after i returned from church saturday afternoon. so i finally resolved to take the spare from the kitchen, only to find, not only my car doors unlocked but my car keys in the ignition.

  my car battery is drained. and i’m stuck. it took some serious pride swallowing to txt T, B. and Y to see if somebody could jump-start me. because i don’t even know how to jump-start a car.

  it’s taking everything in me not to burst into tears. or scream. and i’m planning on moving away for school? how am i going to do this?

  peace.

• Walkabout

  Posted: October 12, 2009, 6:39 am by chi

  soundtrak: atlas sound :: walkabout

  life feels crazy for me right now. i've been depressed for a good couple of weeks now. i don't know if i want to get into all of it, if i'll ever get into any of it, but it's everything, together, all at the same time.

  What did you want to see
  What did you want
  To be when you grew up

  Y sent me an email that was like a slap to the face. a jerk move. but there are things much bigger going on that him and i, so i leave that to the wayside. i don't have time for that foolishness.
  
  To go away and not look back
  And think of what the others say
  To go ahead and change your life
  Without regard to what they said

  i feel like people want me to do, to be somebody that i'm not. something that i don't feel right now. i don't need it right now. unfortunately, it makes me feel uncomfortable about who i really am or what i want to be. but i feel like friends, family, society is pressing down on me.

  And everyone must do the same
  You find yourself must again
  The better things you left behind
  But looking back you may go blind

  i don't know if this is going to get better. i feel like i'm still in the middle of it, trying to find my way out.

  peace.

• My Life Thus Far

  Posted: September 5, 2009, 3:51 pm by chi

  soundtrak: silence

  + yes, when was the last time i actually wrote something of substance? what have i been doing with my life? do i still keep a blog? yeah, ok... i'm using it, not abusing it... let's go already! this is going to be rough, so be prepared...
  + i used to write all the time when i was younger. sometimes i just go back to those entries and read; i wrote about nothing, but i remember how i felt that day... when i stayed up 72 hours to write that grant proposal, the day i found out they messed up my graduation paperwork, my last day at umbc... good times. i don't know why it's so hard for me to write now. i don't know why it's so hard for me to just let the words flow. i don't know when i started to become so concerned about what people think when i used to not care what people thought at all. what happened to my younger self?
  + in short, my boss doesn't like me i think. since vacation, i have been working like a dog; i just go to work and work, i barely sit down at all. i would look for another job, but i'm seriously doing the school thing, so it'll only be a couple of months. let the insanity begin.
  + yes, i went on vacation; after the whole 'thing' went down with my boss (which i will never speak of again; i'm too pissed and upset to even think/talk about it), i told him that i was taking the next week off (out of the three weeks of accumulated vacation that i do have). i probably came to that decision around a tuesday, so everything happened in quick succession after that. i called naj and asked her if the next week would be a good week for her; we were talking about having me come out to san diego to come visit her all summer, but i didn't realize how much of a workaholic i really am. once i got the go ahead, i found a decent deal on tickets (for something so last minute) and i was out of that piece. even though it was only for two days (flew in monday, flew out thursday... hey, there's a reason why they were a decent price, ok...), it was the best time i've had in a long time. i hadn't seen naj in awhile and it was good just to talk to her (especially in the low-humidity sun) and catch up. i think she understands my family situation more than anybody else i know, mostly because her family is pretty much the same way. i even got to walk around UCSD, which my adviser impressed on me to go ahead and apply. i wasn't sure since it's all the way on the west coast, but i like the campus and the area around it (naj lives around), so i'm gonna do it.
  + the school apps are going good but slow. i'm studying consistently for my gre's, contacting programs and people (i met with my adviser before vacation; she was excited for me, which got me really excited... sometimes you gotta have people that remind you that you're not crazy, you know?). i just want to succeed, i just want to move forward.
  + talking about moving forward, abbs is finally graduating. i know it's been an ordeal with her stuff (you know what i'm talking about girl), but i'm so happy for her because i always knew she would finish. and i'm happy that she's happy and she's going to be moving on.
  + let's see, what else: it seems that Y and i are in limbo... there is no other word for it. i don't know what we're doing. we hang out fine, but there is something else there. even naj says she's always seen in (since middle school.... daaag woman!). but i just don't know; half of the time, i'm debating and the other half, i think it's silly. it is kind of... a little. anyways, more on this later.
  + i was watching some daria (you remember that charming animated show that used to come on mtv) and then the movie: daria: is it fall yet? i loved that show, i loved the sarcasm because i was one of the people that just *get* it. i used to feel like daria; i didn't want to let people in because i didn't want to get hurt. maybe i'm still like that a little bit, but i think i'm starting to get a little bit better at it. but daria, some good memories from that show.

  here's to writing sooner than later and stopping impromptu hiatuses. cheers.

  peace.

• Lost and Found

  Posted: August 23, 2009, 8:58 am by chi

  soundtrak: mingle + ruby slippers :: lost and found
  

  Mingle + Ruby Slippers - Lost and Found

  (i can't get this song get out of my head; the lyrics are so clever... and so true...)

  whenever you're around
  i'm playing lost and found
  whenever you're around
  around
  around

  still there's little moments inside
  that make me blind
  still a part of me that believes
  that you may find
  still a little piece of my heart
  it jumps whenever you're around

  whenever you're around
  i'm playing lost and found

  whenever you're around
  around
  around
  around.

  i stand a little close to the door
  if i need to run
  i stand a little beside myself
  as i come undone
  i got a little closer to you
  than you have ever been

  closer than you have
  ever been
  and i'm still playing
  lost and found

  whenever you're around
  i'm playing
  lost and found

  you're still a little fresh in my blood
  for me to talk about
  it's hard to be strong and pick up
  and leave you out
  you only come around just enough
  to keep me from moving on

  you keep me from moving on
  and i'm playing
  lost and found

  you keep me from moving on.

• Sunday To Do

  Posted: August 16, 2009, 5:17 pm by chi

  soundtrak: ESPN SportsCenter (sweeeeeet!)

  things to do today:

  + run
  + clean room
  + get gas
  + target
  + write some entries already…
  + read a book
  + study for gres
  + play sims 2
  + write

  more later.
  peace.

• Let Me Show Ya

  Posted: July 27, 2009, 6:51 pm by chi

  soundtrak: jazzanova :: let me show ya

  - i am probably one of the most anti-social beings on the planet. i know it’s not conducive to surviving in the work environment, but with some people, i just can’t do it. i can be friendly, i can be helpful, i can talk about current news events, but if i don’t like you like that, i don’t really care what you did this weekend and i’m most certainly not going to tell you what i did this weekend (which was the national aquarium, btw; for someone that has lived in this area for 20+ years, it sad that my first visit was yesterday… it was awesome, i loved it). i expect give-and-take; if i don’t give it, why you think i’m going to take it.
  - so i’m really pulling my bootstraps on this whole graduate school application thing. of course, it’s only one thing making me procrastinate with the whole process and that’s the GREs. if i didn’t have to take it (and i am planning on contacting programs to see if, as an older student, if i really need them), i would have been in school already, trust me. anyways, i can’t let one thing stop me, so i’m sucking it up and doing it.
  - i also realize that if i get back on a graduate school stipend (also one that would be significantly lower than what i recieved in my last program), i’m gonna need a side hustle. i’m good at organizing and whatnot, so i’m thinking about being a personal assistant part-time. of course, the person would have to have a need for a personal assistant about once or twice a week. i could totally do it.
  - i’m not going to lie to you: it’s monday and it was kinda rough this morning. i have been troubleshooting this piece of equipement that we have here in lab for about two months, had the guys come out (from international waters) only to find out that the problem was human error (read: me). that depressed me for a minute, but i carry on. now, running it, i’m starting to see another problem with it and i’m trying my hardest just not to throw my hands up in the air in frustration. i’m going to run several gels with several samples and see if i can make a consice report for the boss and company before i say anything. i. really. hate. troubleshooting.
  - but you know what i miss: i miss writing. i used to be a good writer, a really good writer. now, i can barely keep a thought, barely write a paragraph without it being all over the place. look at this entry; it’s in bulletpoints. i want to improve on that.
  - there are lots of things that i want to improve on, lots of things that i want to do, but i realize my main problem is that i make too many goals to complete at the same time, so in the end, i don’t complete any. i do want to improve my writing, for example, but other things have to take priority. now, i do not have any time to waste. every day, every hour, every minute, i have to doing something to complete a goal. let’s get to it.

  more later.
  peace.

• Spoiled

  Posted: July 11, 2009, 4:15 am by chi

  soundtrak: maxwell :: love you

  i have been trying to write this entry all day, to no avail. i know what i want to say, so i should just come out and say it:

  i’m spoiled. jam loved me the way i want a man to love me: i want the attention, i want the kindness, i want somebody to give a damn. and i know Y will never do that for me ever. he’s a guy, so he’s going to try his best not to make me cry (i don’t know… it’s a guy thing), but he’ll never give me what i need.

  *sigh* finally. i said it. now i can take my advil pm (because tylenol pm stopped working a long time ago) and go to sleep.

  peace.

• Protected: Dwell

  Posted: July 4, 2009, 1:42 am by chi

  This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

  Password:
  
  

• Attack

  Posted: July 3, 2009, 8:19 pm by chi

  soundtrak: N.E.R.D :: sooner or later

  i think i just had one of the worst anxiety attacks that i’ve ever had in my entire life. i’m still feeling the residuals as i type this, but i’m feeling much better.
  i haven’t had an anxiety attack in awhile, but when i was in the mall this morning, i could feel it coming on. usually, it’s not that bad, but i was by myself, which i think intensified my feelings and just made it worse. i left the mall but it was still coming in waves. and then, for some odd reason, two separate guys in two separate cars tried to talk to me (WHO DOES THAT?! it’s not cute!), but where i was at mentally, it felt like i was being attacked and threatened. i was freaking out and i was driving a car (and i was on the capital beltway, which was probably not a good idea). I was feeling a little better, getting gas, but in the parking lot of ta.rget, i started to hyperventilate. i never felt so alone. i tried desperately to call someone, anyone; if i could hear a voice, i could at least calm down. but i couldn’t reach anyone, so i started to pray. i just had to leave and go home.
  now that i’m home, i’m feeling much better. i’m exhausted; i feel like i’ve been running a marathon. i think i’m going to rest now. hopefully write more later.

  peace.

• Premonition

  Posted: June 26, 2009, 4:07 pm by chi

  soundtrak: soultice :: wind (fila brazilia mix)

  - it’s 7am in the morning and i’m in lab, i’m not really sure why. i can’t help being an early bird, even if that means i don’t leave until 12 hours later. but it’s friday (and payday), so here’s to leaving somewhat early.
  - the last time i flew internationally was when visiting family in Kenya, the winter before 911 happened. after that, i didn’t get on a plane until a good year later. i wouldn’t say i had a fear of crashing, but the possibility of something like that happening freaked me out enough to avoid planes for awhile; i had a conference in upstate NY about a couple of months later and i chose to drive rather than fly. when i graduated from college and came back home, i had no car, so i was constantly on the Metro, taking trains and buses daily. when i got into graduate school, i was on the red line, up and down, at least three times a day, going from work to school to work to home. with the tragedy that happened earlier this week, it hit me; especially with accounts of passengers banging on jammed doors and one of the victims dying while waiting to be rescued. honestly, that is not how i want to die. so i’m avoiding the PT for now. i’m not saying that i will stop taking the train altogether, but i don’t think i could voluntarily get on a red line train right now. i might be driving into the city for awhile.
  - sometimes, i get premonitions about certain people, events, things. i think that everybody gets premonitions; mine are few, but very, very strong. i don’t want to get into it, but alot of the events that happened this week, i had very strong premonitions on. i don’t know if the shock is going to just hit me later, if at all. it’s different when you see it coming.
  - i think i’m coming down with something; just a cold. it’s been awhile since i’ve been sick. but this week has been exhausting; i haven’t really slept well at all. last night, i slept for 9 hours and i’m still tired.

  happy weekend.
  peace.

• Off

  Posted: June 21, 2009, 5:55 am by chi

  soundtrak: natural self: the sound

  - i’m feeling seriously off today. my anemia is really bad today; i’ve slept most of the day away and now, i have the chills (in the middle of summer, seriously… which sucks). i try to eat well and take my vitamins, but half of this problem is genetic (the other half is diet, but i do like being vegan, so i don’t think that’s going to change any time soon), so i should be taking additional iron supplements. but how many pills can one girl take? i don’t, so some days, i have days like this, where i just feel miserable.
  - i’m kinda done complaining in general. sure, it feels great but after awhile it just gets annoying to you and others around you and it still doesn’t solve the problem. i mean, i’m still going to complain in my head, but i feel like speaking them out loud is a waste of breath and energy. just do the dang thing and if it doesn’t work, reassess, adjust and try again. the end.
  - look, i’m weird, i know: i don’t drink, i don’t wear makeup, i barely go out, i watch alot of PBS and i’m super quiet (and i don’t take vacations). but that’s me and i’m starting to accept it (anyways, i have too much other stuff to do). if i really wanted to change something that i did, i would change it. over the course of this year, i feel like i’ve been pressured to try or do things that i don’t really want to do. some, i found i could do and i was just too scared to try and others, i just plain didn’t like. i really try to make an effort not to judge people and what they choose to do with their lives (note, i said try; i’m not perfect… i do judge from time to time…); but i feel like i’m not getting alot of reciprocating on this front: the idea of living with differences. unfortunately, that usually leads to alot of faded friendships. but i’m starting to see that some friendships cannot be as close as i want them to be; that’s just the way it is. i’m seeing this alot with Y; he does things that i don’t necessarily agree with and he doesn’t understand why i do some of the things i do. and i suppose it’s because i’ve been so mired in him, it took me a minute to realize that we could never have the relationship/friendship that i wanted to have. i mean, he’s still one of my very good friends, just not one of my closest. sometimes, i feel like i’m sold to other people as this wild, crazy girl and when i get quiet and introspective on them, they get disappointed. hey, that’s just me. i don’t know; i’m seeing myself making alot of tough choices in the future pertaining to this. it’s gonna hurt and it’s gonna suck, but i gotta be me.
  - crispy was doing my hair last night and we had to make a quick detour to NE for an hour. somehow, the topic of Y came up during our car ride. just going through the history of Y and i with crispy verbally, made me realize how Y truly sees me; i’m a place holder when he’s in between relationships. it kinda sucks and it’s disappointing, but it’s true. when he moved back, i thought he just liked hanging with me, even though his girl did not approve, but now through 29-year old eyes, i see he was in that relationship because he didn’t have anything familiar to come back to, not because he wanted to try again with her. he knew that ship was sinking, so i was the convenient go-to girl. and i hate, HATE being that girl; unceremoniously dumped when something better comes along. no more. i was telling crispy that i could hang with B simply because i already knew he’s a jerk and i can deal with that. i’m very disappointed with Y (and he refused my food y’all… he. REFUSED. my. spent-a-minute-in-the-kitchen. food.) because i expected alot more from him. is that unrealistic of me? is it now, realizing him for who he really is? i deserve better than this. i won’t be a jerk and cut him off (even though that’s what i really want to do), but our friendship will be severely limited.
  - to end on a good note, i am super excited for maxwell’s new album. yes, i preordered it. listen to a sneak peak.

  peace.

• Midnight

  Posted: June 14, 2009, 8:20 am by chi

  soundtrak: MGMT :: electric feel

  - it’s a little past midnight and i don’t really know why i’m writing this now when i should be sleeping: i have a workout in about 6 hours. i just woke up from a 5 hour nap an hour ago; i just kinda passed out… now you know you’re getting old when you just pass out.
  - my grandmoms is leaving tomorrow evening and we’ve spent most of the day getting ready for her departure. even though we have the language barrier (well, i understand the mother tongue so she tells me anything, but i’m unable to conversate back), i’ve learned so much from her these past couple of months. i’ve learned where my beauty comes from (we look exactly the same) as well as my ‘persistence’ and humor (she’s so funny y’all!). i pray that she has a safe flight/travel back home.
  - i wrote all this stuff this morning; i don’t know if i’m going to post it all, but it was pretty cathartic, putting my random thoughts to paper.
  - LS sent me a friend request on facebook friday. the thing is, he’s crazy and i don’t really like him and he was never really my friend. everybody else friends him because they think ‘why not?’. i’m just thinking: why? that notice is just sitting at the top right of my home screen, mocking me…
  - it’s so daggone hot at night… i can barely get any sleep.
  - Y and i are just emailing back and forth, as i don’t think i could stand talking to him on the phone or face-to-face. i’m keeping a good distance. fortunately/unfortunately, i think things will be better for us this way.
  - busy (social) week this week: coffee with CB, dinner/drinks with ames, breakfast with D; probably in that order. hopefully this summer, trips to NJ, philly and san diego (still hoping…) will emerge. unfortunately, i have too much crap to do this summer like move out and find a house and apply for graduate school (again!).
  - yeah, did i mention that… i’m getting a house dogg! and i’m applying to PhD programs; i’m feeling good about it…

  okay, i need to sleep for real (despite the nap…)

  peace.

• Hindsight

  Posted: June 7, 2009, 9:37 pm by chi

  soundtrak: passion pit :: little secrets

  occasionally, i like to go back to D.O.G.: retrospective and read entries from my formative years. i started using a blogging format in 2001, but have been online journaling since 1998 (1998! i just had to say that out loud and repeat that… insane.).

  it’s strange seeing yourself grow through your blog entries; i found entries where i was at my highest weight, how i became addicted to the sims (my cousin’s dad bought the game for them then he gave me a $100 giftcard to target… now i’m starting to wonder how my target addiction started…). what remarked me this time around reading the through the years 2002 to 2005 was how depressed i was. every other entry, i was moody, listless, withdrawn. i started to wonder if i could truly be depressed, and for all those years, considering i’m feeling pretty craptastic these days. i took the random webMD quiz and i am severely depressed; i don’t know why, but i find it laughable. not the quiz, but the fact that i am depressed, but i don’t feel it really. anyways, i won’t make this entry about depression and i’m really trying refrain myself from bringing up these feelings on here over and over and over (every other blog entry, anyone…).

  i would probably also diagnose myself with asperger’s syndrome; i’m so socially awkward, i wonder how i even got this far. the problem isn’t conversation; i’m able to start them pretty well, and with strangers, but i can’t keep it going. i never know what to say next and usually i will fall into awkward silence with a professor to even my good friends. but the thing with my friends is they know that i tend to do that, so our silences tend to be more comfortable than awkward. knowing all this, i will avoid human contact if necessary. people classify me as a quiet person, but i used to be so withdrawn and painfully quiet that my parents actually put me in a program to boost my self-esteem. anyways, i’m rambling…

  i’m not complaining or i would hope i don’t sound like i’m complaining. i’m 29 and my life has been pretty decent so far, i can’t complain. everybody has problems, issues, but we can work with them, through them and succeed in life. it’s easy to change in hindsight, hard to change in the present. word up.

  peace.

• Problem Reaction

  Posted: June 4, 2009, 4:26 am by chi

  soundtrak: klute :: problem reaction

  - i was supposed to write some form of this entry two weeks ago, but it’s just a combination of laziness and lab work that i haven’t gotten around to it until now. and it’s in list form, i know… it sucks. but take it or leave it.
  - we have a new student in the lab for the next nine months and we’re (jan and i) are starting to see some difficulty with working with her. she doesn’t read protocols (even when we ask her to), so she’s constantly asking us questions, since she’s not even paying attention to the experiment as we do it. in general, the girl just doesn’t listen. and if there’s nothing that i hate more are people that waste my time; if you’re not going to take my instruction, that’s fine… just don’t ask me any questions. i mean, it’s really got me thinking about it: why is it that her attention span is shorter than a fruit fly? the only thing that i can come up with is that it’s her generation (you early 20-somethings now). i was really trying to avoid coming up with this generalization because i know (personally) some very capable young adults, but i just don’t get it. there is no proactiveness at all, no common sense; they expect everything to be given to them. i don’t know… i feel like i’m not making too much sense and i need to sit on this revelation of mine and figure it out for a bit. but it’s annoying as hell; you’re an adult: grow the hell up.
  - crispy has set me off the deep end this week. now that i think about it, i don’t think crispy and i have ever had any serious issues in our friendship… but fights are normal and healthy and necessary, so i welcome it. first, i felt she criticized me on the situation that is now going on between Y and i; i felt that her take on it was bitter and i could have done without the negativity. then, i found out that she never returned correspondence to a friend that i told that she was dependable. it was embarrassing because i put my name out there too, but i don’t know if she gets that. i’m so steamed at her right now, i can’t even talk to her right now. i’m sort of waiting to cool down, but i also don’t know what to say to her.
  - i feel like Y is playing around with me, in the sense that he doesn’t know what he wants and he figures – hey, chi likes me, so i could get with that. this is one of the consequences that i was fearing would happen after i told him about my feelings for him. in all honesty, i think he lied when he said that he was in a ’semi-serious’ relationship. after that dinner, we went out, in groups, to three separate outings, one being dinner and a movie with B. (deja vu anyone; how the hell did i end up back here?!). let’s just say some things happened and some things did not; so i’m left feeling perplexed and confused and stupid because i knew this was going to happen! the hell… i’m smarter than this shit! i’m just angry…
  - talking about anger, the road rage has really been coming out lately. i have taken to actually having shouting matches with people. i know, i know… i’m trying to cull it, but it’s like the incredible hulk, i don’t know when it’s going to hit me.
  - truthfully, i feel like i’ve been out of it; i barely interact with people, i stopped watching tv, i don’t write, i don’t study. i hate what i see in the mirror multiple times a day. i feel like i’m having mild anxiety attacks; it doesn’t feel like the world is coming to an end, but that my life infinitely sucks and there’s nothing i can do about it. which… is better than the full blown anxiety attacks that i’ve had in the past. progress people, progress.
  - my dreams have slowed down somewhat, but i was having some wild, prophetic dreams a couple weeks ago. i think it’s because i don’t express myself with other outlets (or i don’t allow myself to) often and alot of my thought processes occur during my REM state. because i’m aware of this, i’m able process alot of the stuff that i’m going through right now.

  that’s all for now. i should update more often. i must be getting old.

  peace.

• Small Things

  Posted: May 20, 2009, 12:59 am by chi

  soundtrak: estate :: professional owner

  - i am writing this post from lab and i’m writing it in 20 minutes because by then i’ll already have been here 10 hours. due to unfortunate circumstances, i didn’t get anything done that i wanted to get done today. it doesn’t really matter as i am taking friday off to go the boy + rotisserie’s wedding.
  - by myself. i’m going to the wedding by myself. everybody else seems to have a problem with this except for me. it’s a weekend thing, so i didn’t think it would be appropriate to ask somebody to come down and stay with me. and i kind of need a break for maryland, so the time away will be wisely spent. i didn’t really have a problem with it until other people started having a problem with it, and now i’m trying to avoid freaking out about (last thing i need is a panic attack in the middle of nowhere).
  - i haven’t been writing mostly because i’ve been working 10-12 hour days but also because i’ve been a little scared to write about everything that’s been going on. or more like, i have been scared to process my emotions throughout this time. i don’t want to start to talk about because i feel i should go into detail about it. but detail involves thinking about it and i don’t know if i really want to do that either. you know what they say: ignorance is bliss. but i will touch on it soon hopefully.
  - i’ve been seeing doppelgangers of people that i know lately. i saw mr. unattainable’s doppelganger last week in the hallway at work and i saw somebody else (i can’t pinpoint who, but i know it wasn’t him) this morning as i was driving to work this morning. they say that if you see somebody’s doppelganger, it’s a foreshadowing of illness for them. but i feel this has some sort of significance for me; but i don’t know how as i have not been thinking about mr. unattainable for quite some time.
  - talking about doppelgangers, i don’t think i would be able to recognize mine if i saw it (which is good because they say that if you see your own doppelganger, it’s a foreshadowing of your death… yikes!). in all honesty, i barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore. currently, i have lost a total of 140 pounds, but some days i still feel like the fat, insecure girl that i was (am). not pretty enough and not smart enough to compensate for the not pretty enough. some days are better than others; some days i can feign confidence pretty well. like this weight loss, it’s a journey. a long, painful journey. but one that i’m grateful to go through.
  - have i been studying for the GREs? no. sometimes i feel so far away from this goal of completing my PhD, i feel too old to be going back to school. but i just can’t let it go; i can’t stop saying that i will go back. procrastination is my problem, but determination is my key.
  - also to note, it’s funny how many people have come up to me this past week to ask me if i’m almost done with college (first of all, i’m flattered… i really look that young?). umm… i’ve been done with college for a minute, so yeah i’m done. it’s also hilarious (but a little disheartening) how many people ask if i’m done with my PhD yet. i tell them: not yet.

  and it’s officially 5pm; i’m outta here! more later peeps!

  peace.

• In the Name of Frankness

  Posted: May 9, 2009, 6:32 am by chi

  soundtrak: maxwell :: pretty wings

  so i know it’s been awhile since i’ve last written. somewhat due to work, but mostly because by the time i get home, i lose the motivation to write. the motivation will hit me at the beginning of a busy day or in the shower after a workout, prime times for writing unavailability. but now that i’m here…

  have you ever experienced the feeling right after a life-growing moment when you know that you grew up a little? i had one of those moments today. i had to deal with a situation at work, to nip it in the bud. at first, i didn’t want to deal with it at all and i could have left it that way. but in the end, i’m glad i did; not only did the person i deal with grow up a little, but so did i.
  so i thought, what the hell, i’m gonna tell Y how i feel about him already! i texted him and we agreed to an early dinner this evening; i owed him since he paid for dinner this past weekend. the whole time, jan thought i was going to chicken out, but i have been seriously (over) thinking these feelings for several months now and it just got to the point where it was making me physically ill. i had to take action; i was at the point where i had nothing to lose. now in previous instances like these, i would had my panic attack, canceled on dinner and cried myself to sleep by now. but today, i was strangely determined to do this (of course, with panic like feelings in tow).
  he was running super late and there was this huge accident nearby, so i was left alone with my crazy social science experiment thoughts; either three things would happen: 1. he would declare his love for me and we would frolic into the sunset. 2. he would be repulsed and avoid me for all time. 3. he would already be in a relationship. this is how i deal with life people; i have to put things into perspective. more information is power.
  dinner was nice. he finally came and we talked about life, work, working out, etc. i think i came to this point, the point in telling him, not because the feelings have been driving me crazy, but because i really appreciate and value what he brings to my life. the other day i thought about all the things that he’s done for me this year alone, including planning my 29th birthday dinner. that’s love, man! the least i could do was be truthful and honest with him.
  actually, in the name of frankness, i was going to blow it off. i wasn’t going to tell him; our ‘friendship’ conversation was just that good and i didn’t want to record scratch the banter. but then jan text messaged me asking, ‘how did it go?’ she was adamant that it would be option number 1, even though i was frightened by it. he excused himself to the bathroom and with our food being boxed up, i knew it was now or much later never. surprisingly, no panic attack.
  he came back and i asked him, “can i be frank with you? can you handle that?” (i don’t know; i was in my stand-up comedienne mode; i was ON!). he laughed, “i’m nothing but frank…” when i told him, his eyes shot up in surprise. and of course, the social experiment resulted in option number 3; but knowing that option would be a possibility made it that much easier. he said, “i like bold women.” (that got an eye raise from me) and he assured me that we would still be the best of friends (even though i’ve been known to cause most of his girlfriends to be upset with me…) and this declaration wouldn’t change things. i wasn’t jumping up and down for joy, but i was glad the way things turned out. he also made an observation that i think i appreciate more that everything else. “you’re really coming out of your shell, chi.” “slowly,” i laughed. “no… you’re exploding.” and i know he would know; i used to be so painfully shy, i wouldn’t even talk to friends unless i was spoken to first. so…. here’s to busting out.

  so i’m going to try this, being frank thing, here with this blog. i know i’ve been censoring myself alot lately (to the point where i felt the need to have a password-only blog elsewhere), but i didn’t know how much it was really affecting my writing, as well as processing of my thoughts, issues, etc (especially those that i would like to share here). nicola, who i admire for the way that she can express herself through words, said that she writes for herself. and it hit me: for a long time, i haven’t been writing for myself. i have been writing for the people that read this, the people i want to read and the people i don’t. i look back at my writing in college and even though very rough, i can feel what i was thinking, how i was processing what was happening to me. when i look back at these past entries, i don’t feel anything. i just see words.
  and i’m not going to lie: it’s hard to be frank when you’re a control freak. you want people to see you one way, this way, and that’s it. but i know i’m just doing a disservice to myself more than to the few that will actually read this entry. so i’m going to do more, be more and be better.

  peace.

• Reeling

  Posted: April 26, 2009, 8:11 pm by chi

  soundtrak: passion pit :: the reeling

  
  The Reeling - Passion Pit

  - so my toe is more sore than i thought. it was healing nicely after the wedding, but because i work in a lab, i have to wear closed-toe shoes (usually sneakers, since i’m on my feet all day) and i worked out this week as well. friday was a nice day, so i left sandals in the car to wear after lab; by the time i came home, my toe was swelling, red and oozing. i know, nice. being the genius i am, i tried to run on it today, but it wasn’t trying to happen, it was aching so much. i’m going to try to keep it out in the open as much as possible and hopefully it heals faster.
  - i’m bummed because i was planning on increasing my mileage this week. i’m already not having the best body image right now and my highest intensity routine has to take a break for awhile. i can’t do pilates all that well because of my disability, so i feel stuck. i guess just some weights and low-impact cardio for me then.
  - sometimes i get so caught up with the way i look that i forget how much i’ve lost, what clothes i can wear now. i just keep on foraging ahead, just going, going, going. i forget where i am sometimes.
  - but it seems that i have lost my talent of being able to focus. i once read in wired about this guy that was so obsessed about doing everything efficiently that he did not have time for human contact. personally, he could have scheduled time for human contact. besides that, i agree with him at some point; people in general tend to get in the way of doing things efficiently. there are so many things that i want to do right now, but once i start thinking about them, figuring out the logistics of it, i get so overwhelmed that i don’t even begin. and usually other people distract me, be it my family, my friends or my boss (i realize now this is why i don’t go out at all; i’m simply doing other stuff…). it’s bad and it’s something that i’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days. i shared with moms and she helped me with at least one thing; i’m finally pre-approved, so i can really start looking for houses. it just reminds me that it’s okay to ask for help and there are people here waiting and willing to help you; all you have to do is ask. that’s the one thing that poor guy forgot to factor in.
  - i was so pressed that this current issue of wired was guest-edited by jj a.brams that i purchased a subscription for two years (it was deal…)
  - work is pretty okay, i guess. God is giving me a spirit of tolerance as my boss is off the map of charted crazy. this is somewhere i don’t want to stay, i don’t plan on staying. it’s mostly about continuing my education, but at the same time my boss doesn’t trust any of the work that jan and i do. we’re always being double -checked and our work tossed out the window (”do it again”). i understand somewhat, but don’t say that you’re open when you’re not; you want to create an environment where you want people to stay long term, but you don’t.
  - i’m scanning blouse on the hype machine as i type this; trying to get a new sound in my ear.
  - …and my iPod is broken; the earphone jack is jacked somehow so i can only listen to music in one ear. it sucks because if i continue i might go deaf in my left ear. i don’t know if i should get the same model as before or just go with an iPod touch. meh.

  more later. meh.

  peace.

• Thoughts on a Wedding

  Posted: April 20, 2009, 6:59 pm by chi

  sountrak: spacek :: daughter

  - the wedding was beautiful. i really didn’t think i was going to cry, but i did when my brother recited his vows. it was then that i realized that my little brother, the one that i would defend to others, was grown now, starting a family of his own. i can’t wait for a little niece/nephew!
  - talking about kids, there were alot of kids this weekend. some (second) cousin i have never met and some i have never met in person. i have a four stage strategy that makes me irresistible to kids. of course, i’m not going to share, but it works.
  - i tend to be the person that bad luck falls upon on special days. i didn’t want to say the dreadful words because i knew that would make my second sister (that’s what we call her now) very nervous. first, i went to the right room, but the wrong hotel. i must have knocked for a good 5 minutes before i called the wedding coordinator and realized my error. i quickly yelled ‘housekeeping!’ and made a run for it. also, one of the bridesmaids, in heels, accidentally stepped on my big toe. there was a big ‘crack!’ sound, but we were mostly worried about swelling (and it was good that the person that stepped on me is a nurse, so she knows what she’s doing), but when she opened her hand, i exclaimed, “i’m bleeding.” in the end, it wasn’t that bad. walking was a trial though.
  - i also had to do a toast to the groom’s parents (my parents); i had something written the night before, but i left it on my computer (i didn’t want to print it out lest my parents find it). i forgot it the next morning, but remembered most of it by heart and wrote it down again. by the time my turn came, i totally threw what i had written away and went with the heart. i feel like it could have been better, but my mom loved it.

  i think in the end despite super long toasts and horrible special songs and frustration and lack of communication, it was still a great day. everybody ended up being happy, with the couple being the happiest of all. i have never felt so grateful and blessed.

  peace.

  (i also realize that i haven’t been writing lately; i’m working on it)

• Out of Sync

  Posted: April 8, 2009, 2:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: phoenix :: 1901

  - i know it’s been a minute. i don’t know; i feel like i’m letting time get away from me. i haven’t really been doing anything constructive (like studying for the GREs…um… yeah). i’m trying to get back into the groove of what i need to do.
  - on that note, i feel like my anxiety tendencies are stopping by for a visit. my fingernails are bothering me so much that i cannot take my focus off them, the things that enjoyed doing a couple of weeks ago (save working out) have lost interest, talking to people/friends is a chore that i can do without. i feel like i have no motivation (even though i do). i never felt so lonely, yet so content at the same time. i hope this doesn’t end in an anxiety/panic attack, which as bad as it sounds, works as my reset button.
  - been downloading some new good music lately. hey, if i didn’t hear it, the it’s new to me.
  - i accidently erased my book read list, but i’m still reading. i don’t know if i’m going to compile that list again because i don’t like to write reviews on books.

  keeping it short and sweet.

  peace.

• 15 Songs

  Posted: April 1, 2009, 6:27 am by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: round the corner

  (i should just really write more often, but i really don’t feel like it right now. but i do love music)

  Think of 15 SONGS (or musical compositions) that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dug into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the ass, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you’re it!

  1 Amazing Grace
  2 Oasis - Wonderwall
  3 High Contrast - Passion
  4 Nightmares on Wax - Les Nuits
  5 The Roots - Act Too: Love of My Life
  6 Radiohead - Karma Police
  7 Ian Pooley - Intro (it’s not even a song, but the significance…)
  8 Mingle - 11 Minutes
  9 DJ Clever - Steel
  10 Fertile Ground - Be Natural
  11 Handsome Boy Modeling School - The Truth
  12 London Elektricity - Do You Believe
  13 Sesame Street - The Happiest Street in the World
  14 Nightmares on Wax - Damn
  15 Bent - Beautiful Otherness

  what are yours?

  peace

• Lost Words

  Posted: March 21, 2009, 5:25 am by chi

  soundtrak: handsome boy modeling school :: the truth

  do they ever really erase anything off the internet?

  i still remember the address to most of the websites (because back then, they weren’t known as blogs) that i had. i can remember old friends’ web addresses and type them in. some are still there, others are not. but do they ever really go away? do the words disappear into cyberspace or are they floating around in there, just waiting to be found again?

  just a strange thought this evening.

  peace.

• A New Copy

  Posted: March 17, 2009, 2:25 am by chi

  soundtrak: midaircondo :: serenade

  i remember when i bought this book. i was at washington regan airport in the borders express (i can never refuse a borders), waiting. i never got a chance to read the book; my friend borrowed it before i could. usually, i don’t borrow out books that i haven’t read yet, but i let this one go.

  in the end, i’m glad i did. even though i have never read this book, that copy contains memories that i don’t want to keep. so i’m going to purchase another copy. if i do get the original copy back, i’ll probably give it away.

  have you ever purchased a new copy of something for unrealistic reasons?

  peace

  (i just read that the stories focus on different aspects of loneliness… yeargh! right up my alley… can a book haunt you?)

• Sunday Twitter

  Posted: March 16, 2009, 5:58 am by chi

  soundtrak: alan braxe & fred falke :: bliss

  chiIQ’s twitter updates from sunday, 15 march 2009:

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 10:51 PM
  chiIQ: http://www.wpfw.org/; the only radio station i listen to (because i hate radio)

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 10:46 PM
  chiIQ: my brother and his fiance talking all loud in the next room (read: i love you more honey), is working my nerve… for reals

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 10:42 PM
  chiIQ: long fingernails aggravate me! they’re like funky appendages growing out of your skin… WHY?! JS, i might cut those badboys…

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 9:54 PM
  chiIQ: don’t say i didn’t try to keep it together/try to make something greater… ♫ http://blip.fm/~314jl

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 8:48 PM
  chiIQ: feels like i’ve been punched in the stomach; it’s hard to admit to…

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 8:02 PM
  chiIQ: Springfield Hospital: If You Died Here, You’d be Home Already. LOL. Oh Simpsons…

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 4:51 PM
  chiIQ: Music is Bliss! ♫ http://blip.fm/~30rbj

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 4:40 PM
  chiIQ: ugh…

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 11:08 AM
  chiIQ: ♫ http://blip.fm/~30ece

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 9:11 AM
  chiIQ: good workout despite the major cramping… i stuck it out!

  Sun, Mar 15, 2009 12:03 AM
  chiIQ: lol ar SNL’s Dateline skit; that guy really is that creepy.. lol

• as you have noticed, the previous post ...

  Posted: March 14, 2009, 10:03 pm by chi

  as you have noticed, the previous post is password protected. if you feel the need to delve into the depths, email or comment with a vaild email address. permission at my discretion. thanks.

  peace.

• Protected: This is Why I’m Hot Smart

  Posted: March 14, 2009, 10:00 pm by chi

  This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

  Password:
  
  

• Near Perfection

  Posted: March 12, 2009, 4:25 am by chi

  soundtrak: klute :: phone call

  - i had a really good day today. we immunized a batch of mice last week, but during prep, i determined that i didn’t have enough of one of my proteins. so last week, i had to make more, purify and prep for today. i just wanted everything to run smoothly and it did, so i was happy. i feel like the week is over for me already. things are running pretty okay at work, i can’t complain.
  - stress manifests itself in many different ways and those ways run in my family. for me, stress manifests in anxiety attacks and i didn’t realize that until i had a really severe one awhile ago. the body is amazing; it has different ways of telling you to slow the hell down. i realized that some days, i just have to say no, i just have to miss that show or i have to go to sleep that extra hour. yesterday, i was just super tired and i inadvertently slept for 12+ hours; i’m getting older and i need more sleep than i think i need. if i don’t plan for that, who knows the next time when i’ll feel the need to collapse.
  - my aquarian side has been really coming out lately. in general, aquarians are intuitive mentally rather than emotionally. this makes us seem detached from personal emotions as well as people; others think of us as arrogant and condescending initially. we tend not so much to be perfectionists, but as people that know-it-all or know a better way than. this is what usually gets me in trouble; i always feel know feel know there is a better way… for friends to call friends back, to plan events, etc. i often overlook the intention behind the act and think, “well, you could have done it better this way…” in the end, i just get angry and everybody else is confused. but i think i’m getting better; everybody is different. everybody is not going to call back, so don’t get angry when they don’t. things don’t go according to plan all the time, so instead of thinking, ‘why’, start thinking, ‘what’s next?’ but still, especially this past month, friends have been really riling me up. and i go incognegro incognito for a minute (did i mention that aquarians tend to be loners?). i mean, in reality, i don’t believe that Aquarius defines me as a person, but i tend to show those traits more often. i’m still struggling with it, but the fact that i still have friends says something, doesn’t it?
  - i feel like i would like to have somebody that i could talk to everyday (read: companionship) rather than a boyfriend. i guess i’m just craving that aspect more now.

  anyways, more stuff on my evening to-do list before i turn in for the night. still trying to keep up with the 2-3 entries a week, so expect more soon.

  peace.

• Evening Thoughts

  Posted: March 7, 2009, 2:29 am by chi

  soundtrak: steve spacek :: dollar

  - i had a post in my head this morning as i was driving to work. however, i started to debate if i wanted to write about what was on my mind. i mean, isn’t that what a blog is for? yet, i’m still debating. even though i write under the mask of anonymity, there are just some things that i will not mention, especially when they involve friends or family. i don’t mind putting my business out there as i have the choice to. and it also depends on the subject…
  - case in point: al’s ocd shower habits. good lord have mercy! my brothers, in general, preen over themselves when it comes to personal hygiene, leaving me to amuse myself (with my wonderful computer or fantastic tv or …. idk, a book in my expansive library) while i wait for face time in the bathroom mirror. i know that makes me sound like i don’t even try to upkeep, but that’s not true. i just don’t take forever with it; get in, get out and live life. yeargh!
  - i was having some problems updating wordpress earlier this week, but i finally figured it out. also, you notice, when you go to just chiiq.com, it leads you here. in the grand expanse of things, i never wanted chiiq.com to be just D.O.G, but i feel like i don’t have the time now to expand on all this … expanse (i paid way too much for chiiq.com just to have a blog). i still have In Reality and i might switch up some more things i suppose. what do you think i should do?
  - on that tip, i’m just trying to write more often. my writing skills have fallen off the wayside (i used to be a contender!). for the month of march, i’m going to aim on 2-3 posts a week.
  - i have been exhausted lately. taking off last friday actually did me some good, but it was still rough this week. now, i have this wicked headache that just won’t go away. i think i just might call it a night (it’s only 6:30!) meh. i’m getting old.

  peace.

• Technical Difficulties

  Posted: March 3, 2009, 5:32 am by chi

  soundtrak: …

  i’m mad that it took me the whole day to figure this out, but after finding this obscure help forum thread, i finally figured out what i did.
  it’s unfortunate because i didn’t go to work today; i had the whole day to write. i guess more this week then. onwards to march!

  peace

• umm…

  Posted: February 21, 2009, 11:28 pm by chi

  ok… i know i talk about this all the time, but i really think i might need some help…

  these are all the books that i have purchased… in the last two months… that’s right, two months. of course, i have not read any of these books. there are books from 2001 i haven’t read yet.

  i’m concerned.

  peace.

• Morning Thoughts

  Posted: February 19, 2009, 5:23 pm by chi

  soundtrak: royksopp :: what else is there?

  - what is the deal with touching? i don’t know, i have this thing… i know it’s just me, but unless i really know you, you can’t be touching me. and i mean any kind of touching; back rub, hand pat, even a graze. i involuntarily get this weirded out look on my face, almost like, ‘why are you touching me?’. i don’t really know where it stems from, but i noticed it today, when two people that i do talk to, but don’t know well, touched me on the arm. i had to stop myself from recoiling so violently. it’s so bad, i don’t think i could ever get a massage, i would squirm too much.
  - things are starting to come up quickly for al’s wedding. al is being super extra nice to everyone; i guess because he’ll be gone, gone. he actually bought mom roses for valentine’s day (he has never done that) and he made me vegan chocolate cupcakes. it’s kind of weird, kind of nice and kind of sad. the little bro is growing up… soon, a niece or nephew… wow.
  - had to go into work sunday and ran into jan, who came into work simply because she was bored. nice. we finished work and went downtown to catch lunch and spend an insane amount of money on books. you don’t even want to know how many books i have that i haven’t read yet. it’s crazy; i should be reading right now.
  - my weight loss is coming along nicely; my cardio endurance is increasing (yeah 12 min mile) and i’m increasing my weight with lifting, especially with my arms. i can see them changing, despite my disability. mr. f was super excited this morning about my progress; he has this uncanny ability to predict my current weight to the pound. i think sometimes i push myself way more than i should, making myself feel bad when i don’t reach a personal goal that i’ve set for myself. but i’ve learned that even despite the plateaus (which seem to be constant), if i just keep on striving, eventually i’m going to get there.
  - yesterday was jam’s birthday. we are currently not talking as he..… well, we’re not talking. because he was nice enough to wish me a happy birthday, i did the same. i just wish he didn’t act like nothing happened, like everything is the same, because it’s not.
  - re-thinking some other things; i’m trying to figure out what to do. i feel like i’m in quandary.

  anyways, work to be done.

  peace.

• Disappointed

  Posted: February 7, 2009, 10:19 pm by chi

  soundtrak: bonobo :: flutter

  - i have never been so disappointed in such a large amount of people all at the same time in my entire life (is that a run on sentence). i have grown to learn that there is nothing that i can do to change these people, but i can’t help and i can’t stop the fact that i’m still disappointed. and that’s all i’m going to say about that one.
  - my birthday celebration last week was fun. Y planned a dinner, where i saw my friend guava for the first time in 11 years (11 years!). after, we went dancing, which is something that i wouldn’t normally do. Y said that it looked like i had the time of my life, so i guess it did me some good.
  - work is better. i’ve been keeping really busy and i’m somewhat on auto-pilot with this work. when i was searching for job, i was looking for something where i wouldn’t have to think so much. not that i don’t like to think about experiments or hypotheses or that this work is not important enough for me to do that, i just want to save that brain power for when i’m actually working towards something (i.e. my thesis). i feel like i’ve been a student so long, i don’t what it is just to ‘work’. access the data that i need and do the work instead of obsessively thinking about my project when i go home at night. so it’s good.

  feeling a bit off today, so maybe more later.

  other: Disappointed (prt. 2) (for the select few)

  peace.

• 25 Things

  Posted: January 31, 2009, 6:18 am by chi

  soundtrak: blip.fm/chiIQ (live it, learn it, love it!)

  this has been spreading through facebook for the past couple of weeks. i (kind of) refuse to do it under my real name, but i thought i would enlighten the rest of you here.

  Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

  (i’m not going to tag anyone, but if you would like to do it, please link back so i can read too).

  25. i hate shopping but i have just discovered that i love dresses. maybe it’s just the way they look because i never really liked wearing them. but everytime i get the urge to shop, i go to dresses.
  24. i can sense what drivers do; it’s more than just the fact that i’m a driver myself. in most situations, i know what a driver will decide to do and i compensate. i haven’t been wrong yet.
  23. i wish as the oldest child of my father that i was taken a little bit more seriously; it’s only because i’m a girl. i can make big boy decisions too.
  22. i have been vegetarian for 13 years and vegan for 3; i think i get more rude remarks as a vegan than a vegetarian. and no, i don’t miss the meat.
  21. i love twizzlers.
  20. i still love SAABS
  19. for every book i’ve read, i probably own 6 books that i haven’t read yet. i don’t think i’ll ever stop buying enough books so i can read all the ones i’ve got. resistance is futile.
  18. i used to love star trek like nobody’s business; i have collector’s items and lots of star trek novels. then voyager and enterprise hit the airwaves and i let it go. still love deep space nine though; that was my show!
  17. i LOVE music. i don’t think you understand: i LOVE music. i need it every day, all the time, even if i’m singing it. i would rather be blind then deaf, i love music so much. i love the lyrics, the beats, the melodies and the mix! i could go on…
  16. it’s a common misconception when people meet me, they think i’m arrogant and rude when in reality, i’m shy and quiet. i’m like that dangerous animal; i’m more scared of you!
  15. i think i’ve grown up more in the past 4 years than i have for the last 25. things and people behaviors make so much more sense to me now. suddenly i get how to function in this crazy world.
  14. i cannot spell; i need spell check for everything. and i can’t do math in my head; i can do multiplication (memorization), add/subtract small numbers, but don’t ask me what 15% of 72 is because i need a calculator for that.
  13. i’m not computer savvy at all, but i do know more than the average person. i give all the credit to my brother al, who is the real computer wizard.
  12. i’m rather intuitive with technical things, but with emotions, not so much.
  11. i keep on having the dream where i talk about my new novel on the to.day show with m. lauer. i guess i should start on that book then.
  10. i like giving off the perception that i know what i’m doing/talking about when i really don’t know what i’m doing/talking about.
  09. i’m gonna be a PhD. period. nothing will stop me; people think i’m crazy but i don’t care. the crazies are the ones that turn dreams into reality.
  08. i have never been kissed. yes. never. yet.
  07. seven is my favorite number; my favorite color: sky blue (not quite sky, like costa rican blue…)
  06. i still kind of want maxwell to be my husband… but so do a whole lot of other women.
  05. i always wanted to do gymnastics when i was younger, but my disability prevented that.
  04. i like to run. people avoid the treadmill at the gym, but i look for the best one.
  03. i have lost 135 lbs to date and i did it all on my own (and mr. f; he’s awesome). i would have never ever thought i could be here; the things i can do and wear, i never thought i would ever be able to.
  02. i do my best thinking when i talk to myself outloud in the car. let people think i’m crazy
  01. to clear my mind, sometimes i just sit in absolute quiet.

  peace.

• 8 years

  Posted: January 25, 2009, 7:41 pm by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: be there

  i remember it like it was yesterday. my 8th birthday was coming up in a week. i didn’t want it to be superbowl-themed even though the superbowl was that weekend. i woke up later than usual for a sunday and was surprised that mom wasn’t downstairs cooking the huge breakfast that we only had once a week. even though she was 8 months pregnant, mom couldn’t help but do things.
  i found dad watching tv and i asked her, “where’s mom?” i just noticed how tired he looked, “she’s in the hospital.” and you were born, timon. and my birthday party was canceled.

  so here’s to you, for overshadowing me for 21 years. for totally stealing my gameboy and making everybody forget about my birthday. you’re a smart young man, even though you’re cocky as hell. may God continue to bless you and keep you with everything that you do.

  love, your favorite sister (i’m your ONLY sister!).

  peace.

• Congratulations!

  Posted: January 20, 2009, 5:33 pm by chi

  peace.

• Tired

  Posted: January 14, 2009, 2:41 am by chi

  soundtrak: empire of the sun :: walking on a dream

  for somebody who has a new computer and new tv, i haven’t been utilizing them lately. i haven’t felt like doing anything really: i haven’t watched tv since saturday and i barely want to talk to people on the computer. i just listen to music for the rest of the night. i don’t know what the point of this post was. i don’t know; i’m just tired i guess.

  peace.

• Brave New World

  Posted: January 10, 2009, 12:04 am by chi

  soundtrak: pnau :: with you forever

  - this is my brand new favorite song; i can’t get it out of my head. when i drive, when i run, when i work: all the time!
  - this week was longer than usual; i crammed a whole lot of experiments in this week that unfortunately didn’t work (including the ones that i had originally planned to do). then, i found out my boss who wasn’t supposed to come back until after inauguration is actually returning this sunday (and knowing his crazy self, might actually drop by lab). so it looks like the vacation (mine, not his) is over. the new year brings new types of experiments; i’ve been doing mostly protein work, but i might switch to animal work (which is kinda freaking me out; i don’t think i’m ready). i’d rather do flow cytometry, which i did alot of in the last lab i was in, but the boss wants jan to do it. so i’ve been teaching her the basics and how to analyze her data. it’s cool beans
  - as much as i love books, i love tv just a little less than that. i’m trying to cut out the junk watching (watching shows just because they’re on or having the tv on just to have something on), but i’m also trying to keep up with the shows i do watch. my dad always impressed us that tv would always “be there”, so that we should focus on other important things. he’s right, but when do have the time to catch up. last month, i finally watched season three of Lo.st…. you read me right, season three. i was in graduate school when i had to drop watching the show so i could work and study. i missed the rest of season three, so i skipped season four. of course, i still watched some bad tv, so the point of not watching was lost to that. anyways, i’m just 4 episodes shy of finishing season 4, with just enough time for the season 5 premiere. and i’m also trying to organize my time a little better. and maybe invest in a dvr or something.
  - i’m really trying to blast through this plateau of mine. at first, i thought it was exercise related, but i think i’m at the point where if i work out anymore, i would be exhausted all the time. my running is always improving; i’m starting to run for longer periods of time which in turn is helping with active losing. i probably have another 40-60 lbs to lose. when i tell people that, they think i’m crazy and tell me to stop. but you know, you’re not me. these are the same people, when i was over 300 didn’t tell me a d*mn thing. but it’s more than just about losing weight; it’s being able to walk (run) up a whole flight of metro steps and not be tired, sitting at a lecture hall desk without being uncomfortable, sitting in a movie theater seat without brushing up against the stranger next to you, sitting cross-legged on the floor, wearing clothes/styles you thought you would never be able to wear… running a mile in less than 15 minutes (!!). it’s like a brand new world for me. it’s kinda crazy and scary, but fun.
  - my anxiety has been somewhat minimal, now that i think about it. which is surprising due to christmas/new year’s general anxiety. but i’m going with the flow. sometimes i wonder why i do have such severe anxiety attacks… but if i ain’t having them now, why wonder?
  - really random: for some reason, a lot of people still think i’m in school. i never mention anything about class or studying; maybe i just look scholarly. or maybe because i look so young… i don’t know. it’s kinda weird. i was making fun of this 10 year old today because she went back to school this week and she was like, “you too!” lol.
  - chiiq.com: i need to work on my links list. i do have a short list. also, adding more content to chiiq.com and etc.

  peace.

• Somewhere

  Posted: January 4, 2009, 12:36 pm by chi

  soundtrak: keane :: somewhere only we know

  so it’s about 4.21 in the morning and i’m still awake. crispy and T are sleeping on the other couch; crispy on one end and T on another. i feel sort of maternal, sitting here, watching them, staying awake.
  we had a big outing at the che.eesecake, like we usually do. crispy text-messaged me on friday to tell me she was coming, so i invited her along. T showed up way later, an afterthought, but i think he was good company for Y, who was originally invited along. it was getting late and i was tired. i didn’t take the usual nap that i take on saturday afternoons. Y really wanted to go out, but i was exhausted and i was still planning on working out.
  so crispy, my brothers and i piled up in the car and we drove home, racing T along the way. it’s nice of him; sometimes, he follows crispy and/or i home to make sure that we get there safe. i didn’t expect T to pull up in the driveway as well, let alone come in. but he does and a glass of water turns into a movie (the simpsons movie) which turns into now, with both of them sleeping on the couch. it’s nice; i haven’t hung out with these two in awhile… it’s just like old times, finishing up physics homework, watching conan o’brien. here we are, somewhere in the space of time, having a good time.

  peace.

• Drown(ing)

  Posted: January 3, 2009, 12:20 am by chi

  when you learn how to swim, one of the first things you learn is how to help one that is drowning. the trick is to let them drown before you rescue them. if you try to rescue them as they are still flailing about, you risk yourself to drown as well. only when they have given up is when you can truly help them.
  i feel like i am that person now. i know how i can solve the problems, i know i have the answers and yet i have to watch them suffer. my whining and complaining won’t help the situation, so i’ve stopped. all i can do is watch and wait. so i’ve been told. it’s painful to watch, so sad, but i have to keep a vigilant watch. so i’ve been told. so i watch and wait.

  peace.

• 2009

  Posted: January 1, 2009, 4:53 pm by chi

  i think 2009 is going to beginning of great things for me. i’m not just saying it just to say it; i can honestly feel it.

  i went to sleep early last night. i didn’t feel like watching the ball drop and i turned off the phone so i wouldn’t get the obligatory happy new year text messages. i really wasn’t planning on going to the gym today; actually, i was looking forward to sleeping in, but mr. f was going in today and i thought, why not? i’m glad that i did.
  i don’t know if it’s the endorphins from my 40 minute run (can you believe it, i ran for 40 minutes), but i just feel like something fantastic is going to happen to me this year.

  that’s all.

  peace.

• Awesome!

  Posted: December 31, 2008, 2:02 am by chi

  soundtrak: pnau :: embrace ft. ladyhawe (fred falke and miami horror remix)

  i sit on the floor of my room, typing from my new macbook pro. i guess i forgot to mention that al bought me this wonderful machine for christmas. considering that i really wanted lost season four and i wasn’t expecting a computer at all, when i opened his homemade giftcard that was an IOU, i burst into tears. you guys don’t even know how much my dell restricted me. the fact that i’m typing this and listening to the soundtrak song at the same time and not waiting for the words that i just typed to appear on the screen is awesome… so awesome! i’m so grateful that my brother got me this… he doesn’t even know.

  anyways, other than that, pretty much working through the holidays. happy new year y’all (there’s some maryland for you y’all)

  peace.

• 2008

  Posted: December 26, 2008, 7:56 pm by chi

  soundtrak: radiohead :: reckoner

  what can i say about 2008? i think this was one of the most unremarkable years for me. in january, i was already officially out of my graduate program, but the more time that passes, i find that it still affects me, daily even. and other stuff that happened that i will not talk about here, but elsewhere.
  i put off apply for school for another year… or more like extended it for another year. i cannot, cannot get this school idea out of my head. i thought that maybe i should move on with my masters, but God won’t allow me to do it. i know i can do this. i’m a hard worker, i have the passion; i want this. i just want my time in the sun. i want to be seen. i know it’s really rare for that to happen, especially in the science world, but i just want it. even to peruse it, i want it.

  anyways, i wonder if this unremarkable year is due to the fact that i didn’t set any definite resolutions goals for myself this year. definite goals rather than vague resolutions; the key to this is to remind yourself of your goals everyday. the more you remind yourself, the more thinking, time and energy you put towards your goals and eventually, before you realize it, you have reached them. kind of like positive thinking.. (look at me, i have all the tools and yet i don’t use them). of course, this is why i didn’t do as well as i needed to on the GREs; my mind was elsewhere. i was studying, but i couldn’t focus. it wasn’t a surprise i couldn’t focus during the test.
  so i need to change my way of thinking. i’m setting goals as we speak. i will not make them public, but i know if i dwell on them daily, things will happen.

  i already know that 2009 will be far better than 2008.

  in the chiiq network:
  - chiiq.com: chi’s top 10 of 2008: music/books
  - D.O.G.: what i learned in 2007
  - D.O.G. retro: 2005/2006 in review

  peace.

• (Sleep) Deprived

  Posted: December 12, 2008, 7:21 am by chi

  soundtrak: thievery corporation :: the forgotten people

  - this week, i have already worked more than 40 hours (and no, i don’t get overtime… such is science sometimes…). if i look at one more florescent slide, my eyes are going to pop out of my head in protest. being the most senior one in lab this week (boss was at a conference… lots of conferences this time of year), i had to make sure things were running smoothly with everyone else (and basically that nothing expensive breaks, which almost did of course…), which had me coming into work at ungodly hours. i think in total, i’ve only had about 10 hours of sleep this week (if you count the pass out that i had earlier this evening… i don’t know what happened…next thing i know, it was hour later…).
  - i don’t know if things are getting better or worse… and what things? life, work, family…. i’m not sure how to measure a situation or issue (which issue?) getting ‘better’ or ‘worse’. in clarity and understanding of the issue? in acceptance of the inevitable? i can tell you that everything is pretty much amusing to me these days, if it be ‘good’ or ‘bad’. it seems all i can do is laugh (sometimes in people’s faces… which makes it even more amusing to me) and move on to the next moment… so that makes it ‘good’, right?
  - mr. f helps me purchase a new tv this past weekend. if you know me and big purchases, you know it’s hard for me to part with money in the first place, especially large quantities of it. i think i had been talking about getting a new tv (or a digital converter; that can give you a guess to how old my old tv was…) for about a month now. 37” is large to me (especially for a bedroom tv), and i love it. i love the little ’sams.ung’ chime it makes when it turns on. it’s good. now, to get that new ma.cbook pro (considering, i had to wait about 7 minutes for my computer to ‘think’ as it pondered if it could run iTunes and firefox at the same time…. i can’t do this anymore…)
  - so this blog is pretty bare. i moved my reading and music lists to chiiq.com (as if you type in chiiq.com, it will take you there and not here). i deleted my links page because i seriously need to update that.

  ok, i’m kinda done. i need some more sleep hours.

  peace.

• Changes

  Posted: December 7, 2008, 3:43 am by chi

  soundtrak: phoenix :: if i ever feel better

  no way am i tech-savvy, but i am rather intuitive.

  i decided in the shower this morning that i’m changing chiiq.com up. i have crudely created two more blogs on this site, one which will be strictly personal and require passwords and another more to the mundane-ness ultilty of the whole site, that will function as a main page.

  this has been something that i have been thinking about for awhile now, so i’m happy to get the ball rolling. more changes to come.

  peace.

• November Reviewed

  Posted: November 28, 2008, 5:52 pm by chi

  soundtrak: mingle: new fish

  so i’m sitting here in lab this black friday morning (oh, don’t act like this not a common occurrence; i do this all the time). i’m not a big time shopper (and i think this is how i get myself in trouble every christmas; i wait until the last minute) and i had some work to finish before i go to lunch with some of the biochem crew.

  thanksgiving was okay. i feel like with everything going on, things are starting to even out and calm down for me, which is good. jan remarked to me the other day, “you haven’t had an anxiety attack in awhile.” granted, she’s only seen me have one, but i’ve been handling my anxiety much better; getting things done, talking out problems and issues. despite the little things, life is good, i can’t complain.

  from where i last left off, i didn’t do as well as i wanted to on the GREs in october, so with my mentor, i decided that i would prolong my application process for admission in 2010. at first, i was stressing out about it (i will turn 30 and i’m still going to be doing this thing) and people that i told looked at me like i was out of my mind. but, you know what, this is what i want to do. i could be 30 or 50, but i’m still going to do it. in the end, i think know that it was a good decision. there is still alot that i need to learn, even in my field and will only make me a stronger candidate when i do interview.

  it didn’t help that my car was having issues the whole month of october; by the end of the month, i spent two paychecks on repairs. i was not happy, but i’m happy that i still do have a car that i can drive. i’m also glad that i did have the money to fix it; i could be driving around with a broke car.
  jan also observed, “you’re the kind of person that doesn’t need alot to make you happy.” and it’s true, i suppose. i like it simple; i don’t need the next best thing, just something that will get me by. of course, there are alot of things that i want, but i really don’t need.

  as i abhor human contact (ok, not so much, but just enough), i have a tendency to neglect my friends. so this month i really made an effort to hang out with people; i helped MD shop and move the rest of her stuff in her new apartment downtown, i went with abbs to the new ca.ptiol vistor center, and out with CB to a new vegan restaurant (absolutely heaven!). i just need to be a better friend though.

  hmm, what else… of course, our new president. i don’t know; i don’t think it’s hit me yet. i wasn’t as excited as others thought i should be (”especially being kenyan and all…” yeah, i know). but i think it was great for moms, who just became a citizen and it was her first time to vote; it was a life changing moment.

  anyways, more later i suppose. i am here to work.

  peace.

• Q and A

  Posted: November 13, 2008, 2:55 am by chi

  soundtrak: q-tip :: move

  (while i work on some things…)

  Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
  jan probably… lol

  What kind of car do you drive?
  altima.

  Have you ever had a garage sale?
  no

  What color is your iPod?
  black (like me!)

  What kind of dog do you have?
  no dog/no pets

  What’s for dinner tonight?
  golden grahams probably; have a penchant for cereal this month

  What is the last drink you drank?
  water, but really mango lemonade.

  Last time you were sick?
  two weeks ago.

  How long is your hair?
  shoulder length.

  Are you happy right now?
  just here.

  What did you say last?
  to another person: “you need to take iron!” (to my mom)
  to myself: ’scoooobilicious!’

  Who came over last?
  jan for dinner; i haven’t had friends over lately.

  Do you drink beer?
  nope

  Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
  all the time.

  What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
  my ‘kenya’ one

  What is in your pocket?
  43 cents

  Who introduced you to your boyfriend or girlfriend?
  don’t have one/not looking for one and noone will introduce me because i refuse to let them.

  Who is the last person you had a phone conversation with?
  MD, but she calls all the time. so Mic probably.

  What DVD is in your DVD player?
  usually it’s pride and prejudice, but i think it’s the nike warrior workout, if not rael pilates system 17.

  What’s something fun you did today?
  what’s fun? no… um… what’s fun?

  What do you think of when you hear the word “meow”?
  ‘testy..’

  What are you listening to right now?
  watching tv, but music-wise right now, the new coldplay, q-tip and common.

  What have you had to drink so far today?
  water.

  When is your birthday?
  feb. 1st.

  What’s the area code for your cell phone?
  301

  Where did you buy the shirt you’re wearing now?
  it was a gift from timon.

  Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
  parking tag

  How many states in the U.S. have you been to?
  10+

  What are you going to do after this?
  probably watch tv, write and/or read.

  What is something you need to go shopping for?
  clothes. desperately. but i don’t like clothes shopping

  Do you like pickles?
  yes

  How about olives?
  yes

  What is your favorite kind of gum?
  stride

  Do you have any tan lines?
  not right now… i avoid light… but i do tan.

  Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher?
  it’ll come to me…

  Who was the last person to call you baby?
  some random guy i wasn’t interested in anyway…

  When you’re at the grocery store do you used the self checkout?
  when i can. people are slow and i despise unnecessary human interaction.

  Has anyone ever sang to you?
  no… ok, yes, but i didn’t care for it.

  Has anyone ever given you roses?
  uh… i don’t remember

  If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
  maybe

  What is your favorite color?
  surprisingly, i don’t really have one. i like many.

  What color are your eyes?
  brown

  What is a compliment you receive way too often?
  my beautiful smile/clear skin/young face/young looking. okay. i get it.

  How tall are you?
  5′ 5-1/2” exactly. has not changed ever.

  Who was the last person to say they loved you and when?
  my mom. don’t remember when.

  Do you like your parents?
  they’re okay people…

  Why did your last relationship end?
  ha.

  Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone?
  my mom

  Where is the furthest place you’ve traveled?
  kenya

  Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?
  sleep. immensely.

  Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
  my dad’s coloring, but my mom’s bone structure.

  How long does it take you to shower?
  20 minutes about

  Can you do splits?
  kinda.

  Can you use the grill?
  yes.

  Are you flexible?
  kinda.

  What movie do you want to see?
  eh… nothing good out right now. maybe that new bond movie.

  What did you on New Years Eve 2007?
  at home, watching the ball drop.

  Was your mom a cheerleader?
  no

  What is the last letter of your middle name?
  o (don’t you wish you knew…)

  How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
  5 hour nap + 3 hour sleep = 8 hours; as long as it adds up, right?

  Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
  always.

  Are you scared of flying?
  no, but i don’t like it.

  What do you sleep in?
  old shirts with no sleeves.

  Do you have any tatoos?
  nope

  Have you ever been to Los Angeles?
  yes. three times.

  What jewelry do you wear all the time?
  my kenya bracelet.

  What is your favorite song at the moment?
  death and all his friends by coldplay

  What song do you HATE?
  lots of them…

  Do you like chocolate?
  of course, but i don’t eat it.

  Are you easy to get along with?
  depends. respect me and i respect you.

  Any up coming events you’re excited about?
  um… sleep?

  peace.

• Blank

  Posted: October 25, 2008, 1:55 am by chi

  sountrak: silence

  i read everyday. i’m an avid reader of pretty much anything, from magazine articles to blog entries to books, etc. i’ve been reading all this great writing, which has inspired me to write, at least a blog entry, but for the life of me, i can’t. i have this ideas for entries, but they never make it down to paper. it doesn’t help that i spend 70 hours a week in lab and my crap computer is slow as dirt. and i just can’t bring myself to call a hiatus for just a bit.
  so i don’t know what this entry means; i guess, i’m still alive and i’m still intending on writing something even though i haven’t in awhile, but if i don’t, don’t be mad, because i warned y’all.

  yeah, i guess that’s it.

  peace.

• Shattered

  Posted: October 5, 2008, 1:06 am by chi

  soundtrak: meiko :: boys with girlfriends

  - i’m not shattered, emotionally or physically, but my passenger side window is. i’m so pissed; all these bad things keep on happening to me. thankfully, T was online to give me referrals and advice. also, i already planned to take off tomorrow for my exam on tuesday, so i’ll have time to get that done.
  - adding on to bad things happening to me: apparently i still owe the state of MD $800+ from 2006. i’m soo tired of this sh*t. it’s not even funny anymore and it’s getting tired fast.
  - ani is taking this biotech certificate thing and i’ve been helping him with molecular biology techniques. it’s nice to feel used.
  - i have this idea. it might work, if i wasn’t so apathetic…
  - go redskins! four in a row!
  - best movie i watched this morning: what’s up, doc?

  and i’m done for today.

  peace.

• Random Slice of Life of Chi

  Posted: September 22, 2008, 2:24 am by chi

  soundtrak: oasis :: slide away

  - soundtrak: oldie, but a goodie. i don’t know how i feel about oasis’ new album, but i do love the old stuff and i always will.
  - my fingernails were a bright orange for most of the week, but then i painted them white again. they’re chipping again, so i think i might go with electric blue. nice.
  - i have been involved in this conflict (that i have chosen not to blog about) for the past year and a half now. it’s beginning to swallow up my life; up to 50%. i feel that because i choose not to blog about it, in turn, i haven’t been blogging in general. i still choose not to blog about it, but it’s annoying as hell. i’m frustrated because there seems to be no end in sight and other people are getting involved (and they aren’t going to help) and right now, i’m at the point where i just might curse or fight someone, they really took it there.
  - and now is not the time for me to feeling stress; my GRE exams are within the next two weeks. i. do. not. need. this.
  - also, with work, we’re starting this huge mouse immunization study. so that would entail that i must become trained in animal handling, especially of the rodent variety. this past week, i was feeling unwell with sinus inflammation and i took off on wednesday (and took my fill of new tyra, maury and a little bit of jerry on the side). i come back on thursday to find that i have animal training in the morning. they also failed to mention that i would have to do the hands-on part. i failed to mention that i don’t touch live rodents, but can dissect dead (very dead) ones… and mice at that. but i tried to suck it up and take it like a (wo)man, but when they pulled out those three huge rats, all i could hear in my head was the boy telling me about his experience with rats, “they’re huge, nasty and ugly… and they bite!” over and over and over again. so when my instructor told me to come over and hold one (mind you, i had backed to the far corner of the room), i calmly said, “no.” and when i say “no” that means, i’m. not. holding. that. live. nasty. rat. period! so i spent the rest of the time watching jan inject, bleed, sedate and eventually kill euthanize the rats and mice. when i got back to lab, i told my boss and he stressed to me the importance of the project and my role specifically (but no pressure… really…). so it looks like i’m going to have to suck it up and do it (especially all those blood smears i’m going to have to do when everybody is going to that conference that i really wanted to go to…). all in the name of science; i need to co-authored somewhere.
  - talking about being co-authored… i just might be. some manuscripts are up in the air, but yes! my work will not go in vain!
  - i have to admit; i have the hugest crush on josh jackson right now. and not to mention his new tv character is smart as hell (190 IQ?!); the ultimate turn on for me. is it bad that i just watch that show for him? ehh, i don’t care.
  - it was funny, i was having this conversation with my mom the other day; how i overlook a guy’s interest in me. apparently, there is quite a long list. i don’t know; my focus is elsewhere.
  - also shoutout to aabs on entering her last year in her PhD candidacy. i’m jealous and i wish i were you (i could have been done in ‘09! i could have been a contender!), but i told you it was going to work out!

  anyways, i’m off.
  peace.

• Silence

  Posted: September 5, 2008, 4:08 am by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: da feelin’

  - when i was born, my mom was 22. she was young and fresh to america. when my dad went to school, she stayed home or did odd jobs. as her first child, she didn’t know that in order to spur speech development, one should speak to their child. the child picks up on the inflections and syllables, learning to speak. so, for my first year, she did not talk to me. i didn’t start to talk until i was about four (to add upon the other developmental problems i have). my mom says that i was always quiet since, just watching and observing. i think that’s why i’m so comfortable in silence now; tele-watching tv with T, sitting in the car with jam in the rain, riding the train with mr. unattainable. there’s just something about the stillness, the soft padding of muteness that i love.
  - i love the quiet, but i also love the music; wee! new nightmares on wax! click on it. listen to it. love it!
  - i have painted my nails electric blue. apparently, it’s the new color for fall. well, navy blue is, but close enough.
  - just when i’m about to drop him off the friend list, T just does something amazing to make me fall in love with him all over again. he must have some sort of radar or something… he’s still a jerk sometimes, but i love him.
  - work is going good. making progress, experiments working, being appreciated by my peers (i really like that part alot). i keep on hearing stories from my old lab from MD (who has also moved on to another lab); it’s not good. so when i was lamenting to aabs this week about applying to programs again and feeling bad that everyone that i started with (including her! yes you, aabs!) is finishing up. even though i could have changed things, i know things happen for a reason. there were lots of reasons why i had to leave, some that i might go into detail with. maybe.
  - one word: football! ‘nough said.

  peace.

• The Aftermath

  Posted: August 24, 2008, 5:45 am by chi

  soundtrak: rae and christian :: all i ask

  - it’s something about having an (anxiety) attack. i find that the weeks following, i’m very productive. my work in lab has been going well and my boss was impressed. i also mailed in my registration forms for my GREs and i’m signed up. it’s good, i’m excited. one month to study. wee! i don’t really think about when i start to feel like it’s too much and i guess that’s where my problem lies: i don’t know where to stop before it gets too much. i don’t know.
  - i like this song. it kind of took a minute to grow on me.
  - out of boredom, i painted my nails white. actually, i don’t own any nail polish, so i went out to target one day and just bought white.
  - me and writing: somedays, i want desperately to write here and other days, i just don’t. i’m trying to find the balance so that i don’t completely abandon my blog. i know that writing will help me out with alot of the things that i’m going through, but i can’t even write in my personal journal, let alone here. i know it’s my defense mechanism kicking in: if i don’t talk about it, i can pretend that it’s not there. just typing that out is hard for me. hmm.

  anyways, that’s all from me for now. my life is very minimal at best, so the updates come when they come.

  peace

• The Attack

  Posted: August 9, 2008, 3:16 am by chi

  soundtrak: coldplay :: warning sign

  i didn’t see it coming. i never see it coming. i had my worst anxiety attack today; out of 4 total to date. i was more fatigued that usual, waking up late this morning. i already logged in more than 50 hours in lab and i was actually supposed to take today off, but that didn’t work out. i haven’t been sleeping well lately either, which should have tipped me off.

  rather than go into all the stresses that caused my attack today, i’ll just talk about the attack itself. everybody is different and has a different experience. usually, my mind starts rushing out of control, which precludes the physical symptoms of an attack. my mind was racing so i tried to do some work to keep me busy (which usually works; i also have a mild case of OCD), but unfortunately (fortunately?) i didn’t have alot of work to do (why was i at work?). this was when i started to experience shortness of breath. almost like hiccups, i would have a couple of rapid breaths, then my breathing would return (try to return) to normal. i was trying to breathe, but i couldn’t. jan came back to the desk area and asked the magic words, “what’s wrong?” it was then i started to hyperventilate for about 10 minutes. jan wanted to call an ambulance, but i told her not to. i could feel myself about to pass out and even after the severe part subsided, i still had residual affects a couple of hours afterward.

  we went to lunch and jan asked me why i didn’t tell her about my anxiety. it’s not exactly something i want to broadcast and my attacks have been so far apart, so i don’t really think about them. it’s easier just to make excuses to why i ‘just can’t make it this time” than explain my anxiety. “it explains alot,” jan commented.

  in the end, i probably won’t tell anybody about today (except you, of course). i did get checked out and it’s not anything i should take meds for. and i do have coping mechanisms that i use. i’ll just keep on coping the best way i know how.

  peace.

• Raw Materials

  Posted: July 31, 2008, 6:09 am by chi

  soundtrak: christian scott: say it

  raw: natural and unprepared.

  i feel like i don’t know what i want. i was talking to jan about this party that i was invited to this weekend and how i didn’t know well, no, i said that i wasn’t going to go. ‘so why do you keep on bringing it up?” she asked, after she stated her concern that i don’t seem to have any fun. i don’t even know if that’s what i’m looking for. it’s hard to explain, but i keep on slamming against this conflict with everything that i do, talking with people, going places. it’s internal conflict; half of me wants to go and the other half just wants to curl in a ball and never see the light of day ever again.

  also, i feel so unprepared. not so much in general than with specific situations. like this party for example; it would be great for me to go, but the other half of me is complaining, “well, you need to get your hair done first… and your eyebrows (my eyebrows! that’s a new thing… i’ve always felt comfortable with the fact that my eyebrows have never been shaped), you need to get those done and now it’s two days before and you don’t have time… you’re still fat… you’re unremarkable… nobody’s going to care that you’re there, so why bother?” wow, my subconscious is going haywire. anyways, this is probably the reason why i won’t go; the sense of being unprepared and the sense that i don’t have enough time to be prepared. i feel like i’ll never have enough time, no matter how much time i do have. simple, basic things however, i feel like i have down pat. i can wake up, work out, go to work and get my experiments done. just as long as there are no parties in my future, i’m set.

  i know that my negativity is a downer (who wants to comment on that?). i’ve been looking over the past entries that i have bothered to write and they’re horrible. i say the same thing over and over, i make the same statements. i’m not even listening to myself.
  i feel like i’m starting to feel better though. not necessarily from an outside view (read: jan’s statement from above), but i personally feel like i’m actually getting somewhere now instead of spinning my wheels from a couple of weeks ago. i don’t know if it’s because now i realize that i will never be as prepared, no matter how long i plan? do you know why i don’t write as much? because i’m so busy trying to organize my thoughts and trying to figure out what i want to say… i just get so exasperated at the end of it and end up not writing at all. of course, it’s good to be organized, but i never seem to write when the moment hits (like now; can you tell?) it’s almost like i’m scared to let you into my disorganized world; everything has to be neat and perfect and no socks on the floor, your life is so quaint.

  i don’t know if jan really has anything to worry about, worrying about me. i couldn’t answer her question because i didn’t have the answer; my mind drew a blank. is my comfort in being solitary due to apathy or fear? or choice; voluntary or involuntary? wouldn’t we all like to know.

  peace.

• Fortune

  Posted: July 26, 2008, 3:55 am by chi

  soundtrak: rae and christian: all i ask

  in my vegan chinese food order:

  uh… and what plans are that? in the next six days? six years? six hours? if hours, then yes i would expect them to succeed… sleep is a wonderful thing.

  really? are we referring to sleep here again because if we are, then yes, it’s most definitely for me.

  - al went to the doctor twice and got an mri. his meniscus tear is so bad, he’s going to have surgery at the beginning of august.

  hope to be writing more often.

  peace.

• One of the People

  Posted: July 15, 2008, 6:42 am by chi

  soundtrak: adamski :: one of the people

  - anytime i find myself/wrestling with my mental health/about this or that or something else/right or wrong/i’ve got to just remember/i am one of the people/one of the people/of planet earth.
  - on friday, my brother al thought he dislocated his knee. actually, he has a history of knee dislocation, so when it happened on friday night during rehearsal, he didn’t think anything about it; he would just pop it back in. but that was the problem; his knee wasn’t dislocated and he actually ended up spraining his tendon. i don’t go to the rehearsals anymore (that’s just another long story that i’m not going to get into), so moms and i drove to church to take him to the hospital. thankfully, we were seen quickly and we managed to get out of there just after midnight. he’s doing better; he has a leg brace and crutches. he just so happened to take this monday and tuesday off (how much vacation time does this guy have and why don’t i have that much time?!), so he has time to recuperate.
  - i’m currently typing this from work. the internet restrictions here are crazy; i can’t check certain sites or personal email. but they haven’t blocked google docs yet… yet. usually, i’m either busy in an experiment (my boss is very, very eager about our work) or laughing it up with jan, so i don’t have time to be on the computer so much. jan is coming in late this morning and i have to leave early today (for matters that i will not get into), so i cannot start an 8 hour experiment today. but it’s all good; i finally updated my lab notebook to current, cleaned up and did some lab prep.
  - i know i don’t talk about alot of things on here. for example, where i’m going today. even though this site is anonymous, when it does come to things that involve my family, i choose not to talk about it here, out of respect for their privacy. i grew up in a home where we didn’t talk about our problems with anyone outside the family. i think there is also a little of kenyan/african/african-american aspects to it as well. unfortunately, alot of the problems that i am experiencing now are due to the fact ‘help’ was never asked for. i was the first in our immediate and extended family to branch out to therapy. it’s crazy to know, to hear and find out of cousins that have experienced severe depression; the stigma of mental illness runs deep despite the obviousness of the state of many of my family members. i will be the first to admit that i have been severely depressed, considered and attempted suicide as well as suffered from anxiety attacks. i don’t know if it’s a result of an imbalance, but i know therapy has helped immensely. despite my sharing of my state, there are things that i still keep very closely to my chest; nobody will ever know. it seems like a heavy burden, but it’s just business as usual.
  - anyways, i’m digressing. i haven’t been up to sharing lately, with anyone. i commented this to naj in my bi-yearly email to her. i don’t know if it’s the change in work schedule, my diet, but i feel like i’ve entered this space of solitariness; not necessarily loneliness, but willful isolation. that’s all i can say about that; it’s already hard to explain.
  - i always feel i could be more organized with everything, especially my time. i’m pretty organized already (according to my brothers, insanely organized and just insane in general), but i always feel like i’m wasting time. this week, i have to add a couple new routines in my schedule (studying, more reading, more exercise, more sleep) and take a couple out (watching repeat sitcom television, playing sim.s2, staring at the wall watching paint dry). working on it.

  peace.

• The Familiar

  Posted: July 1, 2008, 4:53 am by chi

  soundtrak: seba :: steel

  - first, so i can get it out of the way. this is the 100th post here at the newest reincarnation of delusions of grandeur. it was supposed to be more ‘grandeur’ than this, but life is disappointing sometimes.
  - when you accidentally leave the soundtrack of your life, your iPod, at work, it’s always good to have a backup iPod shuffle at home. my early morning workout is saved.
  - i love the familiar; i take comfort in it. i repeat the song of the moment over and over again until it becomes ingrained in my brain. i read my favorite books more than thrice, my favorite movies more than that. it’s easy to fall into routine; as humans, we are built this way. over the past couple of weeks, some routines have returned to me and i have welcomed them back. some i’m still trying to change. talking about change, i see it. i don’t want to go into too much detail about it because it’s something that i should keep to myself (and i have only told three people about), but it’s exciting and scary all at the same time. it’s exciting to see what’s coming next, but scary because i’m not quite sure how i’m going to get there. and i have to be patient. *sigh* always patient.
  - so i was finishing up some last minute pipetting, talking to jan as she finished some last minute stuff so we could finally leave already. the pipetting was making my tendonitis flare and since i didn’t have my iPod on me (and thus, that’s why it was left at work), i began to sing to ignore the pain… loudly and very off key (which defies the purpose if you can sing, but when i’m tired, it’s the only way). the song… i forgot the name of the song… but i was singing the chorus when jan decided to open the lab door and leave it open, my back to it, furiously pipettng away and singing badly. it was at this time, a man walked by, stopped and stared first at me, then jan with a look on his face, then they both began to laugh. of course, i was completely oblivious to all this until told, but i laughed anyways. i’m sure i’ll pass that guy in the hallway and he’ll look at me like i’m nuts. ha! we laugh waaaaay too much in lab, but jan is really that funny.
  - plans for the long weekend: none. can’t i just sleep. actually, ames’ birthday is on thursday and she wants to go bowling…in falls church. woman lives down the street from me, but she wants to go bowling in falls church… the things i do for the people i miss.

  that is all.
  peace.

• iRead

  Posted: June 22, 2008, 7:44 am by chi

  soundtrak: feist :: intuition

  i read. i like to read alot. anything with words, i devour. short stories, magazine articles, newspapers.
  this hunger was cultivated when i was in grade school. my parents encouraged me to read, but from what i can remember, i would love to go to the public library and just check out a huge stack of books (i could not leave a book behind that i thought interesting) that i would finish in a week. i think it was also a thirst for knowledge; my vocabulary increased with every book finished. i would learn new facts and new ideas, new ways to do things. i reveled in it.
  of course now, my reading pace has decreased; i have so much to do and science articles to read, that it takes me, on average, a month to get through a book. my comprehension has developed and deepened, which just comes with age, i think. but i love getting lost in a story or an idea; i just can’t do that with tv or movies. i also have this thing about reading on paper vs. the computer screen; i prefer the magazine to the online version. but i think i’ll leave that post for later.

  i updated my bookself page. i just now realized that i misspelled the word ‘bookshelf’ (i’m a notorious misspeller), but looking at the definition of ’self’, i think it’s most appropriate:

  Main Entry: self
  Function: noun
  Inflected Form(s): plural selves \ˈselvz, Southern also ˈsevz\
  Date: 13th century

  1 a: the entire person of an individual b: the realization or embodiment of an abstraction
  2 a (1): an individual’s typical character or behavior (2): an individual’s temporary behavior or character b: a person in prime condition
  3: the union of elements (as body, emotions, thoughts, and sensations) that constitute the individuality and identity of a person
  4: personal interest or advantage

  books make up who i am; i would not be the same person if not for the books i’ve read. biographies, fiction, articles. everything.
  as i was compiling the list of books read, i surprised myself with how many books i have read (and how many i own; in the above picture, there are books hidden behind those books in the front). i have placed a self memorandum on purchasing from amazon (even though i have books in my cart just waiting to be checked out) until i make a decent dent in the unread books that are on my shelves. so here’s to a summer of reading. salut!

  peace.

• Succinct

  Posted: June 19, 2008, 3:18 am by chi

  soundtrak: clara hill :: all i can provide

  - jan set up the protein expression robot (robot!) today. from mere strands of DNA, in two days, protein is made! in two convenient volumes… anyways, i digress. so, our lab has a tendency to lose power when it thunderstorms miles away. it looked like rain and jan didn’t want to start the robot if we were just going to lose power, to which it resets. i assured jan that it would not rain; she was so worried about it. sitting in my room, as it begins to rain, rumbling in the distance, i curse in my head.
  - tim russert passed away on payday friday; came home, went to the bank and by the time i got back, the headlines were up. that was a man that truly loved the work that he did; he delved into it and shared his passion with us every sunday. i want to be remembered for my passion for my work. i feel like right now, i’m stagnant, waiting for something great to happen instead of going after, working towards that something great. i know i want to go back to school and i know there are people out there just waiting for me to fulfill that part of my destiny, but it feels all so far away. jan says that she can tell that i really love what i do when she sees me concentrate on a certain step in a protocol or over a figure in data i’m analyzing. i remember how whm would just watch me (ah-ha! he thought i didn’t know…) as i sat in utter concentration during lectures. i want it. i know i want it. i’m just so tired right now.

  anyways, off to read.

• As Of Late…

  Posted: June 17, 2008, 5:43 am by chi

  soundtrak: modest mouse :: dramamine

  - i have been keeping aot of things to myself lately. it’s a thing i do. i don’t open up; i don’t talk about it. talking to jam last night, i refused to talk about my weekend. it wasn’t that great anyways.
  - jan says that out of all the people that she knows, i’m the most truthful, which sort of caught me by surprise. i’m not a chronic liar, but i didn’t think that people would see me truthful more than average. she explained, “when you tell a story, you don’t sugarcoat it or simplify it… you tell the whole complete truth, even if it makes you look bad.” wow. i’m flattered.
  - so i was going to work last friday, waiting at a light, when i heard loud banging to my left. i lifted my chin from my hand and saw five men crammed into a public school maintenance truck. i gave a thumbs up and hoped the eager one would leave me alone, but the light was extra long and he tried yelling through the glass, so i rolled down the window. “what are you doing sleeping?” he yelled still. “long night. i watched the (nba finals) game (4).” i replied. “yeah, too bad the lakers lost,” to which i rolled my eyes; a laker fan. he claimed i was just hating on the fact that ko.be married a ’spanish’ girl. ooookaaay. believe what you want to believe.
  - i did not go to my high school reunion this weekend. T says i missed a party, but i know i would have been a wallflower all night. there is a reason why i don’t remember specific parts of my high school experience and i don’t need people from long ago to remind me of them. on a good high school mote, however, i emailed guava (to my chiquita banana) and he emailed me back. i need to email him soon; we used to pass notes in class and in between classes that when we didn’t have class together to amuse ourselves. good times. also, i ran into a girl that used to live by me, at, of all places, work. it was really the last place that i expected to see her, so i was surprised and overwhelmed. the last time i saw her was the day of our graduation, so 10 whole years.

  anyways, i guess that all for now. the feeling to write ebbs and flows and usually by the time i get in front of my (slow, ridiculous) computer, the ‘write’ flows right out of me. so i’m trying to be better about it; procrastinating less, reading and writing more.

  peace.

• Sick to My Stomach

  Posted: June 6, 2008, 5:20 am by chi

  soundtrak: nba finals game one

  - i have been feeling sick to the stomach for the past two days. yesterday was really painful, but i made it through the day. by the end of wednesday, i was feeling okay. woke up this morning, feeling okay, but started to feel sick when i got to the gym. after i finished my last weight machine, i went to the bathroom and threw up standing up (*wretch* take a break, hand on the hip *wretch some more*) after that, i was feeling great; did an hour of cardio. going to work however, i started to feel sick again. i don’t know; it’s in and out. just ate fruit today; too scared to eat anything else.
  - my ten year high school reunion is next week and i’m not going. why am i going to pay money (that i don’t have by the way) for alcohol that i won’t drink, food that i can’t eat and people that i don’t want to see. middle school/high school (secondary school?) was not the greatest time for me. i was a nerd, people were mean and i ate my lunch in the bathroom for all of 7th grade. so i’m not trying to relieve all of that. thanks, but no thanks.
  - i’m reading this book, free food for millionaires. it’s gotten mixed reviews, but still in book one (it’s a huge book), i like it. i want to tell stories the way the author does. i don’t know if it’s apathy, but i just can’t seem to get my words on paper (i find that i cannot write direct on screen unless blogging; it seems unnatural that way). i’m going to try to work on that this summer.
  - song of the moment (enjoy):

  Lost and Found - Mingle & Ruby Slipper

  peace.

• “I Love You”

  Posted: May 30, 2008, 5:42 am by chi

  soundtrak: mankind liberation front :: safe from the sun

  since i was at HQ all day today, doing orientation, and they send you your first check when you sign up for direct deposit, i picked up my pay at the front desk. measly (thanks FICA), but money nonetheless, i went to the nearest location of my bank to make a deposit.
  i parked and waited for two women to finish at the ATM machine, in my car. they seemed perplexed walking away, but i went anyways. it seemed that somebody had left their atm card in the machine, grabbing the cash but forgetting to get their card back. the ladies had simply left the card, not using the ATM. without thinking, i took the card inside and informed one of the tellers that the card was left. i came back outside and made my deposit, to where a young black man walked up to me in the middle of my transaction.

  “um,” he said, “excuse me… did you see an ATM card…”
  i started to smile, “i just turned it in inside….”
  “i love you.”

  and he proceeded to grab me and kiss me on the forehead. er. you’re welcome. i would only want someone to do the same for me. he was lucky because i’m still broke.

  word.

  peace.

• Humid

  Posted: May 28, 2008, 5:12 am by chi

  soundtrak: coldplay :: viva la vida

  Viva la Vida - Coldplay

  - so much to write, so little time. i don’t like to stay on my computer for long when i get home since it runs hot and makes my room super hot. i end up turning it off and reading and writing (i’m not going to lie; i’ve been doing more reading than writing). i’ll read anything i can get my hands on: newspapers, magazines, books (just not my 400 books that i haven’t read yet, of course). usually with summer, for me, brings reading.
  - it is really summer; it was just straight hot and humid today. of course, i spent most of the day in lab, but still. gah summer!
  - hung out with some of the high school crew yesterday. ani called me up friday and invited me to a memorial day bbq with mr. forrest and his family. i haven’t seen them in 2-3 years since the last time we met and i had nothing else to do, so why not? the usual suspects were there: Y, B and ‘ana. what a mess; ani and ‘ana had a hot and heavy thing going on in high school that was never resolved and of course, B and i. but despite all that, a good time was had. forrest and wife have another child, a boy; just a month old, i got to hold and feed him. it was crazy; i don’t know what to do with newborns, i feel like i could break them. ani left early to meet up with his girl (more on him later; strange vibes from him), which left B or Y to take me home. just like old times. we tried to see if we could go see a movie (like old times), but i still have no money (even though B was ever so generous to pay for me) and i had to get up early for work this morning. B drove me home, which was weird. we have this thing; i hate his guts but he’s an ok guy. they are still trying to convince me to go the reunion, but i refuse. ani insists on paying (and i am not hating on other people paying), but i don’t know.
  - talking high school, CB called me friday too. it was good catching up; trying to go to a vegan restaurant soon.
  - it’s like any song from coldplay, i fall in love with; with me, coldplay can do no wrong. i was scared i wasn’t going to like this song, but i’m a sucker for ’strings’ songs (as a former violinist, of course…. is it former if i still own the violin).
  - i don’t really talk about work to friends; not because i’m not supposed to, but … i don’t know. the lab is small, just another biologist that also graduated from GU, who i will call jan, and a student that will stay for us up the end of the year. everybody gets along well and jan is crazy like i can get, so we have gelled well. the thing i like the most about work is that i live just down the road. granted, the road is crazy jammed during rush hour, but with the way i drive, i can get home in 20, which is about the same commute that i would have with the old lab without all the traffic. but i like it; it’s not as big as where i used to be, but i like the quiet and calm.

  peace.

• On a Good Note…

  Posted: May 21, 2008, 6:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: round the corner

  Round the Corner - London Elektricity

  - i know it’s been a minute. the desire to write comes and goes and i try to catch it when it’s here. good things have happened since i’ve last posted; mostly, i finally got a job. it started last week and back with the government, on the military side. that’s all i’m going to say about it since i don’t want to say anything inadvertently that would get me in trouble. but it’s work that i’m really excited about and i’m blessed. also, i will be paid. amen.
  - unfortunately, as i have gained employment, T has lost his. T seems sort of indifferent about it, but i know he probably feels differently (like i would, he wants no pity). i hope though that he takes it as an opportunity to finish college; that boy has been in college when *i* was in college. he only has 2-3 classes left to take and i feel that when he completes his degree, he’ll be (and feel) much more fulfilled.
  - i feel like jam and i are stuck. the issues that are holding back our relationship don’t seem to be resolving any time soon. maybe we’re not patient enough, but how long are we supposed to wait? how long do we put our lives on hold?
  - next month is my 10-year high school reunion. i’m not too excited about it and not so sure if i really want to go to it or not, as i still live in the area and all the people that i really cared about in high school (and vice versa) i am currently in contact with. everybody else are just acquaintances; they thought they knew me, but they didn’t. this lowers my desire to go even more. i’m surprised that T is going and conn is thinking about it; i wouldn’t pair them with that type of crowd. eh, to each his own i guess.

  more later; i have topics swirling in my head, so you’ll be hearing from me soon.

  peace.

• Pandora’s Box

  Posted: May 7, 2008, 4:23 am by chi

  soundtrak: klute :: savior

  i feel like i’ve opened pandora’s box.

  i know i’ve mentioned it before. i just don’t feel like i’m good enough; not smart enough, not pretty enough, not good enough for anything. no matter what anyone says, it’s always there, that small spot of doubt in the back of my head. of course, i feel like i’m competent enough to get most things done, but i just feel like it’s not good enough, it’s just okay. i’m not going to go into the reasons why i have developed these feelings; i know why. i know that the doubt is there. it’s just been easy to ignore, to bury, not to open.
  but now, it’s there, staring at me right in the face. and it is affecting how i feel about everything right now. there are decisions that i have to make but i don’t know if it’s God or my emotions taking over.

  i wish i could close the box and bury it again. i don’t know how to deal with this. it’s just easier to ignore, to bury, to forget. to move on. i suppose that’s why i never see hope at the bottom, even though it’s always there.

  peace.

• Another Again

  Posted: April 24, 2008, 4:53 am by chi

  soundtrak: john legend :: another again

  - i know this particular john legend album has been out for awhile and i wasn’t too terribly interested in it frankly, but this song popped on my pandora playlist. it’s a nice song; instrumental wise, not so much lyrics wise.
  - my tendonitis is flaring up again. i didn’t really do anything to agitate it, so i’m wondering why. other than lifting, i haven’t doing too much with it.
  - so i met with the pastor this past weekend, after service actually and he gave me the opportunity to talk to MB with pastor acting as mediator. i didn’t realize how upset i was still as i tried to keep my composure. MB started about all this stuff, that he has ‘pure love’ for me and whatnot, but love includes respect and he has only been completely disrespectful of my space and person. he just doesn’t seem to get it. i just hope that’s the last of it; i don’t want to go through this over again.
  - it’s too easy to quit, too easy to complain, too easy to do nothing about my graduate school dreams. it’s a little hard to explain, but i just see better things out there for me. it’s not going to be easy but i know i’m up for the challenge. i feel like something good is seriously coming my way. i don’t know what it i, but i feel the anticipation. something good is coming.
  - jam and i have been talking for about two weeks now. we did decide that we were just going to be friends and i think we’re both good with the decision, but the line for us is blurred and i don’t want to cross it or do something to cause him to cross the line, to end up back where we started. but he makes me smile, he makes me happy; he’s a blessing to my life.
  - what is this structure you ask? it’s oxytocin. this chemical is a neurotransmitter found in the brain, released at key moments to strengthen feelings of social recognition and bonding with other people. without oxytocin we’d all be lonely and nearly incapable of maintaining strong relationships. It can be released whenever you experience moments of touching or other interactions with people. some key moments of high oxytocin production include during breastfeeding, during the birth process, and even at the point of orgasm. both men and women produce oxytocin but men don’t feel the effects as strongly because of interference from testosterone. learn something new everyday. (source)

  peace.

• The Concept of Beauty

  Posted: April 22, 2008, 5:53 am by chi

  soundtrak: silence

  last week, my diva coach took me out to get a dress and makeup for my brother’s engagement party coming up (did i mention that my brother is engaged?). to enlighten you all, if i haven’t already before, i have no basis for the concept of beauty. i have never worn makeup in all my 28 years and i have had no desire to do so. i didn’t really care about how others saw me (i guess because i never really liked the way i looked myself), so dressing up, let alone shopping in general held no interest for me.
  we stopped at nord.stroms in the junior department. i have never shopped in the junior department ever. it’s still hard for me to adjust to my new size; i pick out clothes that are too big for me. diva coach picked out these dresses that i would never wear and we ended up settling on a long, sleeveless, strapless dress. i was kind of nervous purchasing it, but diva coach insisted that i could pull it off. we went over to the mac counter next and had my face done in colors that i would never have picked. “you need to get your eyebrows done,” the mac lady told me. how? where? when? i ended up not buying any makeup (because i’m still jobless) and i needed to go to vicky’s secret to get one of those strapless bras.
  this is hard. i don’t get it, but i’m trying to learn. i’m trying to be comfortable in my own skin.

  peace.

• Alone

  Posted: April 15, 2008, 9:37 pm by chi

  soundtrak: tennishero :: alone (ft. chelonis r. jones)

  my coping mechanism for dealing with stress is withdrawing from my environment. i stop talking, i stop writing. being around people becomes too much for me. i screen my calls.

  i woke up this past friday morning to work on my taxes when i received an email from jam. we agreed that we weren’t going to talk for at least a month, so i was surprised. i know that jam knows about this blog; i don’t know if he still reads it or not, but there are still some things that i just don’t talk about on here, so i won’t go into detail about the email. but it sort of threw me for a loop, then add persisting phone calls from my dad and i just shut down.
  this weekend, i went to church and ran into somebody that i haven’t seen in awhile. as i was greeting her, MB was walking around. i was keeping him at the corner of my eye. after my last encounter (second item), i made sure to completely keep away from this fool. like before, he accosted me; i asked him nicely to let go of me, then i threatened him with violence before i used violence. i know he thinks it’s all a big joke, but it’s not. he has no respect for my person. he doesn’t know that i can and if forced to, will take legal action on him. i talked to the pastor about it (and i sent a follow up email just now; i’m completely serious) and i hope it just gets resolved.
  after that whole thing, i was pretty peeved and my dad saw that as an opportune time to come and talk to me about…. well, about crap. i know i haven’t really spoken about all the family issues that have been going on and i don’t know if i will. that just made me even more upset because he couldn’t see how upset i was already. i drove to church that day, so i walked to the car, climbed in and just sat, windows up on a hot day. i know it’s weird, but the quiet and the heat calms me somehow. for some reason, my dad was not done talking to me and knocked on the window to berate me some more.

  ugh. today is a little better. it’s tax day; all of my savings went to taxes though, so that’s a little depressing, being broke. still looking for a job, looking to reapply to graduate school again. sometimes i think i just go through the motions.

  peace.

• New Growth

  Posted: April 9, 2008, 1:19 am by chi

  soundtrak: mint royale :: show me

  i was in target the other day and i saw these small pots in the dollar isle, so i thought: why not? i’m not the best gardener in the world, but just watching the seeds that i put in the soil germinate is amazing.

  i haven’t been able to write lately because i have been just going through too much in everything. i actually had this whole other entry written out about all the things that have been going on. and i was going to post it. but now i realize why i wrote it; so i can crumple it up and throw it in the trash.

  i’m a worrier; i worry about the future alot. where am i going to get the money from to pay my taxes? will i get accepted to this program? and everything seems to be happening all at the same time: my fellowship ended, jam and i decided that it would be best if we would be apart, boston rejected me, the irs audited me. Lord. all it seems i can do is pray and cry. why do i have to go through all these trials?

  but i realized, that like my plants, i am going through all these troubles (like i said, i’m not the best gardener in the world), but yet they grow. it doesn’t matter what they go through, but how they handle what they go through. God made these awesome flowers and plants that are resilient to the extreme of environments. can you imagine all the crap that we put our bodies through? and i’ve just been siting here, mourning my no-job, no-PhD having self. i have been dwelling on the trials themselves and not the reason why i’m going through them.

  God is using me to help others; i see it daily. i know that what i’m going through now will help somebody in the future. i don’t know how and i don’t know when, but it will. i know it’s also depends how i deal with everything that i’m going through now. when you think about all the great people that we esteem so highly in our society, we usually think about all the trials they went through and we barely think about why they are so successful; because of the way they dealt with their trials.

  i know people think i’m crazy to try to get back into school and i’m crazy to try to apply a third time. they wonder how i’m going to pay my taxes and penalties with no job. but i wholeheartedly trust in God and his plan. i know things aren’t going to make sense and things won’t go the way i’ve planned, but i don’t have to worry about anything and just do what he wants me to do.

  and like my plants, i grow.

  peace.

• Keep the Faith

  Posted: March 26, 2008, 8:46 pm by chi

  soundtrak: the velvet teen :: chimera obscurant

  (cherry blossoms on the tidal basin 2006)

  - i had the strangest encounter this morning. actually, i pulled into the parking garage later than usual due to an accident on the road on the way to work. anyways, i was taking the elevator down (which i usually don’t do; i take the stairs) with this elderly man. we made small chit-chat (which i also usually don’t do; i very much keep to myself). anyways, we started talking about work in general and i mentioned that my fellowship was ending this month. for 40 minutes, we talked about school and his PhD training experience; alot of the things he went through, i’m going through now. i know that my family and friends know and feel what i’ve gone through this past year, but this elderly man, sam, well he just understood; the depression, the disappointment and just trying to keep your head above water. i’m just really blessed that i had an opportunity to speak with him. he told me to keep the faith and good luck. such an awesome experience.
  - the cherry blossoms are almost in bloom. jam is coming into town at the end of next week, flying into regan. he usually doesn’t fly, but drive, so i was suprised. he wants me to come down into the city, meet him and see the blossoms. it’s nice, but i feel strange about it. i know he wants to see me and i want to see him, but it’s strange.
  - i’ve just been tired lately. i’ve been taking my vitamins, but i feel like i have no energy. i keep on waking up late and rolling out of bed. i definitely need this time off next month.

  more later.
  peace.

• Normalize

  Posted: March 18, 2008, 4:19 am by chi

  soundtrak: adamski :: one of the people/ fan modine :: pageantry

  

  - i fel like i’ve been out of it for the past couple of days. just distant and tired in general. everything seems to be wiping out my energy. i know i need a break after leaving work before i start temping. the environment, this situation that i find myself in completely drains me.
  - i don’t know how i feel about jam. we talked last week before he went on his trip. he asked me if i would consider marrying him, which i thought was funny since the same thought had been running through my mind days prior. i still don’t know about marriage. i never thought about it growing up and i don’t really think about it now (unless mom brings it up). it would not be a dream fulfilled for me. i guess it would be nice, but then again, i’m a very independent, solitary person. i’ll always remember what massander told, which i feel is one of my biggest strengths and weakness: i’m focused. once i got something in my head and i really want to do it, all my energy and time will go into it. unfortunately, i will sacrifice pretty much everything else including my health (read: coming into lab with the flu). so i know that my focus is not so much on relationships right now, even though with jam it is. i don’t know if that’s going to change anytime soon. then, to add on that, we’re already long distance. what to do, what to do…
  - my friend who hadn’t seen me in a while gave me a new nickname: skinny bitch. ha! of course, i don’t act (that) bitchy, but i remember growing up how i just wanted people to like me. i could be fat and unattractive, but it didn’t matter as long as i was liked. i know i have friends out there that really enjoy me for me, but sometimes i feel the anxiety that everybody is lying in my face. abbs is planning a going away dinner for me and i’m afraid that nobody is going to show up.
  - this weekend, much to the insistence of my newly appointed ‘diva coach’, i have emptied my closet of all the clothes that i cannot wear anymore, only to find that all the clothing that i can wear can fit in one very small suitcase. it was hard because those were clothes that i loved and spent alot of money on, but what use are they to me if i can’t wear them? this week, my diva coach will take me to buy makeup (sweet lord!) and other essentials. also as someone who has lost a large amount of weight, she understands some of the things that i’m going through right now. it feels like i’m having an out-of-body experience. i still dress and act the same way, which was usually a way to cover up my looks. i’m 28 and there are so many things that i haven’t done because my weight has been holding me back. so i’m trying to grow slowly out of my shell.
  - and a final note: i ‘m still waiting to hear from schools. things are progressing and solid, just very slowly.

  peace.

  - oh, oh…. okay… so… ncaa tourney: gtown vs. umbc? who the heck decided that? i know who’s going to win, but who do i root for? i have decided that i’ll always be a retriever at heart… go dogs!

• No Lab on Sunday

  Posted: March 10, 2008, 4:10 pm by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: my dreams

  

  - actually, it’s monday morning. i was supposed to come into lab yesterday to split some cells and start to pull together my presentation for thursday, but it seems that i have caught the flu with the strange symptoms from MD and another co-worker. i really can’t afford to be sick this week, so i’m pushing through it.
  - despite everything, i still feel like a loser and that makes me feel depressed. my time is ending here and i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything at all. i know i should be grateful and happy for what i have, what i have recieved, but i’m always the hardest one on myself, the most critical.
  - i. have. yet. to hear. from programs. i feel like deep down they want me to suffer a mental breakdown.
  - jam is a nice addition to the somewhat frequent phone calls i get from friends. i don’t know how i’m supposed to feel about the whole situation. i’m sure he’s just as confused as i am. i can’t even imagine myself married; how is that supposed to work.
  - i keep on thinking about, having vivid dreams about mr. unattainable. i think i have somewhat come to terms with his unavailability status, but he still haunts me. i had a dream this morning, but i don’t even remember what it was about. he was there though.
  - in about two weeks or so i’ll have the time to update more, update this site, as i will be out of a job. *sigh*

  update: so i’m wait-listed at one school and i should get an answer by the end of the week.

  peace.

• Typical

  Posted: February 22, 2008, 7:41 pm by chi

  soundtrak: yeah yeah yeahs :: turn into

  

  - T and i tend to go in this cycle. after i decide that i will talk to him again, we’ll talk almost everyday. we’ll meet up and it’s all good. it’s great. then, we’ll plan to do something or go somewhere and he’ll totally flake out on me for no reason. then i don’t talk to him for a period of time. he always, always does this; i don’t even know why i’m surprised anymore. this time, i was trying to hold my feelings back because i knew he was going to do it; i was waiting for it. it happened this week. he was supposed to go out with CB and i for dinner, but he made up some lame excuse like he always does. he’s unreliable. i don’t know why i thought it would be any different. talking to him this morning (i have to break the cycle don’t i?), i didn’t directly call him out on it, but i did:

  me: i can’t believe that you made it out to work; you know, with the snow and ice and everything [this is the reason he used not to come to dinner mind you]
  T: money
  me: i guess money trumps everything, doesn’t it
  me: it’s all good. everybody has priorities.

  i’m such an ass.

  - on sunday i was at work (i know, i’m a masochist), when B and Y called me (yes, both! on three way) to see if i wanted to catch a movie. i know i said a long time ago that i would never go out with these pair of losers again (somewhere it’s in my archives), but i was bored. and when i’m bored, i’ll do pretty much anything. out of all the outings i’ve ever had with these guys, this was one of the weirdest. it was like dating two guys at the same time, both trying to vie for my attention. i’m not used to being the pretty girl; i’m used to being ignored and left off to the side and i kind of miss that sometimes. anyways, B paid for my movie ticket while Y paid for my dinner (birthday month! i claim it!). it was like they were tag-teaming me or something. B would comment on my perfume and Y would sniff my neck. it was odd, but hey… free dinner (wow, i am an ass).
  - people in lab are driving me insane. i really, really didn’t want to come in today (especially with all the snow and ice, it would have been easy). the new biologist whistles all the time… and you know how much i hate whistling. the other postdoc talks on the phone to her friends in asia all. daggone. day. and then AW is a lazy bum who i cannot depend on. i just put on my earphones and escape to my music world. seriously, i’m tired of being run over by people. i guess, hence the ass-like behavior. waiting to hear back from schools and then dealing with these people, i’m stressed out. my counselor was right; i need a break. thank goodness i’m taking time next week. i think i’m going toe explode.
  - just when i thought it would be the end of another typical week, i got an email from jam; his birthday was last week and i sent him a care package (complete with chapatti.. yum!). he told me i was awesome. totally made my morning.

  peace

• Any Given Friday Morning

  Posted: February 15, 2008, 8:12 pm by chi

  

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: deep down

  - i did not want to come into work this morning, but somehow last night, over the phone, MD convinced me. i woke up at my ungodly hour and stayed in bed, watching the sun rise.
  - it felt like somebody else driving to work today, cutting off all those people. i couldn’t have done it better myself, thinking. it was amazing.
  - i will play a song to death if i love it. over and over and over again until i can’t stand it anymore. love it to death. this is the only song i’ve played this morning. my earphones finally kirked out on me. i already ordered the same exact ones on amazon.
  - i watched MD eat breakfast this morning and the pastry chef, who was sitting at a table near us, started to hit on me. he asked me my name; i said susan. then i hid my id badge under my shirt. i said no when he asked if he could call me sometime, but i thanked him for the attempted flirting (not as in “no thank you” but more like, “no, but thank you.”)
  - T and i talked about pies this morning. i asked him what pie flavored cookies were and our conversation jetted off. “i’d rather have pie,” he said. and instead of saying that ‘pies would be hard to ship, i think.’, because he would get jealous at the fact that i’m sending another guy a care package (even though he wouldn’t admit it), i say, “what kind of pie?”

  morning’s over. back to your regularly scheduled jobs.

  peace.

• Deep Down

  Posted: February 15, 2008, 5:00 am by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: deep down

  

  “you got something from a school,” al says. “what is it?” i ask. “a package.” i’m excited because i think it’s an interview package. but it’s not. i prop it against the living room table in my room and continue to watch the rest of seinfeld, the one with the moves and ‘assman’ plates. i open it finally, only because the parents want to see it. it’s all in latin.

  deep down, it’s a joke. it still feels like a consolation prize that i didn’t want. i don’t want congratulations for losing.

  my masters degree came in the mail today.

  peace.

• Pensive

  Posted: February 13, 2008, 5:47 pm by chi

  

  soundtrak: kings of convenience :: i don’t know what i can save you from (royksopp remix)

  - i’ve been sort of not in the mood for writing or even thinking for that matter. today is cold and we have a two hour delay at work, yet i’m still at work (even though we had no power when i woke up this morning). CB thinks i’m crazy.
  - being the complete masochist i am, i emailed mr. unattainable on his birthday this week. of course, he emailed me back, wishing me a happy (belated) birthday and telling me all the wonderful things going on in his life. he’s doing his oral comp exam today. i didn’t know if should be more upset about our whole situation or the fact that he’s proceeding with his PhD and i’m not. i still don’t know how to take it, but i’m feeling better about it today. i’m sure he’ll do just fine, i emailed him back. then trashed the conversation.
  - talking about schools… man, i don’t even know if i want to go into this… dr. a really, really screwed me over. she really messed with my future and i’m still upset about it. if you really want to know, email me. i can’t talk about it here. the good news is that everything is back on track and i hope to be hearing from the last two schools i applied to soon, so i can finally move on with my life already. i hate being in this holding pattern.
  - because of the whole thing that happened last week, lab has become a place that i don’t enjoy too much anymore (despite the fact that i’m here). i come later than usual and leave earlier than necessary. i just do the work. in less than a month, i’m out of here.
  - the whole picture-with-every-entry is holding me accountable to what i write. i can’t write crap anymore, well considering i have to find a picture or take one to post with it. i like it; it’s a challenge.
  - new music: so i have an account at the hype machine, which is good for finding songs that i’m interested in, but not sure if i want to buy yet. i downloaded alot of royksopp this week, which is nice. this remix i like alot. also, i got that new lenny kravitz’s single; i like it.
  - i’ve been cramping up alot during my workouts; mr. f says it’s because i’m way dehydrated, so i’ve been back on the water and eating better, which has jumpstarted my weight loss again. i drank up to 2-L a day, but stopped cold mainly because i hated going to the bathroom every 30 minutes. i guess in the name of health…
  - i would really, really like a valentine. that’s all i’m saying… some flowers would be nice.

  that’s all for now, i guess.

  peace.

• Tomatoes

  Posted: February 9, 2008, 6:04 am by chi

  

  “what is this?” i ask him. i’m looking down at the bag, frowning.
  “tomatoes. that’s what you wanted, right?” he wasn’t looking at me, so he didn’t see how disgusted i looked.
  in the bag were four tomatoes, red. ripe and seemingly picked off the vine. organic and virile. and i hated them. i liked my tomatoes processed and cleaned in a facility before they came to market. why did i have to take the stems off when they could do it for me?
  “i don’t like these kind,” i told him.
  he looked up then, “kira, they’re tomatoes. you wanted tomatoes and i got tomatoes.” he didn’t understand that i didn’t like these tomatoes.
  “i just don’t like these kind,” i repeated, under my breath. what was the use if he didn’t understand. it saddened me because it was just another thing he didn’t understand about me. i didn’t like these tomatoes.

• Happy Birthday

  Posted: February 1, 2008, 4:22 pm by chi

  soundtrak: john b :: without you

  

  as i type, it is 8:10am on the day of my birth. it’s freezing rain outside, everybody (including schools) are opening two hours later yet i’m still at work. i’m eating a breakfast of 5 different cereals mixed for my enjoyment. my second toe on my right foot is swollen after i slipped going upstairs last night on the wooden floor. it hurts like hell and my 2 year old sneaker is not making it feel any better.

  all i want for my birthday is a grad school interview. let us pray and hope. more later.

  peace.

• Timed

  Posted: January 31, 2008, 7:08 pm by chi

  soundtrak: taylor mcferrin :: georgia

  
  (caption: 38′ 05” out of 3hrs.)

  - i’ve been really busy lately. experiments picking up, i guess since i terminate in this lab by the end of march. trying to update my CV and cover letter by the end of the second week in feb. i also need to organize my lab notebook and make sure it’s up to date. i’m pushing back things because i don’t know where my money will be coming from in april. it’s disconcerting.
  - tomorrow is my birthday. yay. everybody wants to celebrate, but they don’t know where to get vegan cake from, so i’ve been getting alot of, “why don’t i just give you the money and you bake the cake yourself?” who bakes their own birthday cake?
  - B called me earlier this morning, just after i had finished part one of my experiment today. “when is your birthday?” he asked. “tomorrow.” “you lie!” he retorted. wtf? i’m not a liar; i don’t know, i just can’t do it. and he knows this (and why is he calling me?!). i think he still likes to get a rise out of me.
  - last week, i got a rejection letter from one of the three schools that i replied to. you know it’s a rejection letter; it comes early and it’s paper thin… nothing good comes out of paper thin letters. what was funny was they actually used the word ‘reject’ in the letter. i don’t feel too bad about it, but every time i come home, i’ve been praying not to get another one.
  - went to the car show last week with T and aabs; we had alot of fun and i was pretty much acting a fool, taking pictures of myself in cars like i owned them. the last time i saw T was when he came over to the house to pick up a CD; he met the parents. mom likes him alot, but i tell her it’s complicated. i don’t know however, for me or for him. or maybe both.

  ok. back to work.

  peace.

• Something New

  Posted: January 22, 2008, 4:55 pm by chi

  soundtrak: matthew dear :: elementary lover (dj koze remix)

  

  - i know i have yet to post my new 101/1001 list on here yet, but i have already crossed two things off my list already. yesterday, i went to my first GU basketball game; also, it was my first time going to the mci/veri.zon center. i know, it’s sad. i’ve lived in this area practically most of my life and i’ve never been to the veri.zon center. remember, i have yet tour the washington monument. i know… anyways, the game was good. i went with aabs and i clapped because i didn’t want to lose my voice again (i just got it back). we won by 2.
  - i know i’ve mentioned it before; my family and i are early risers. i don’t know if it’s because my parents grew up on separate farms where you had to wake up at the break of dawn, but if you dare sleep past 8am, you’re ‘wasting the day’ (as moms so lovingly yells at me whenever i do). it’s funny, because sunday, moms and i went to go visit my cousin and his new family in VA. so after our workout, she calls around 9am to see when we can come over. i wanted to stop her to tell her that it was too early; people are usually asleep, but i bit my tongue. lo and behold, i was right; everyone was fast asleep. i laugh because i came into work around 730 this morning (a personal ‘late’ for me) and sent emails about the car show this week and people are now emailing me back complaining that they haven’t even woken up yet… my bad, my bad… i’ve been up for 4 hours already.
  - new d n’ b downloaded this weekend, so i hope to update the radio.blog soon. sometimes, i just sit and peruse the electronica section in iTunes and see what’s come out.

  ok. on to the rest of my day.

  peace.

• Sick Day

  Posted: January 18, 2008, 3:57 am by chi

  soundtrak: lemongrass :: aloha

  

  - i’ve been sick since last weekend, but i had a bunch of meetings lined up for the beginning of this week, so i pushed through it. as a result, a cold that was only supposed to last 3-4 days is still with me. my common cold is a common cycle to me; the first two days, i get incredibly fatigued, followed by laryngitis for the next two-three days, with post nasal drip for a day and sore throat the next. anyways, the laryngitis should have been gone by now, but my voice is still gone. i woke up late this morning due to the medication i took the night before, but i decided that i need to take a break.
  - my family in kenya are safe and well and i’m grateful. my cousins who live here and were visiting right before the violence broke out returned safely home.
  - i haven’t been writing lately. i just haven’t felt like writing that much, but i have these stories and ideas swirling in my head, but they seem to die by the time they reach my fingertips. but in my head, lives and stories and voices. sometimes they wake me up at night with a start. now i need to work on the transfer part.

  

  - i realize that i have a serious problem just trying to relax. i just can’t do it. i haven’t seen a movie in theaters in months and i know i should watch season three of lost before it premieres in two weeks, but i can’t bring myself to set aside the time. my counselor says that if i continue down this path, i will certainly be taking some forced time off in the local hospital psych ward. i remember having this conversation with a friend of mine and simply put, he stated, “because it’s not important to you, you don’t give it time. i know that when something is important to you, you put the time and effort in it.” and it’s that simple; it’s true. but in the back of my head, i know it’s my health, mentally and physically. i don’t know.
  - i’m waiting to hear back from schools; all i need is an interview. although i hate waiting, i feel like i’m in a good place. even if i don’t get in anywhere this fall upcoming, i will feel good, i think. i know that this is something i want, so much that it’s turned into something i need, like air, food and water. i need to see this dream to completion. every time i think “what if i stop here”, i see nothing because i know i couldn’t live with myself if i did stop.

  

  - it’s that time of year again; washington auto show. i was contemplating taking a week off so i could do that ‘hands on’ win-a-car contest. eeh. i hope to get pictures from that though.
  - talking about pictures, i’m going to try to make it a point to take more pictures more often. or at least post more pictures with my entries. because everything goes better with pictures.

  peace.

• Waiting

  Posted: January 8, 2008, 5:07 pm by chi

  soundtrak: yppah :: longtime

  i find that i’m waiting for alot of things these days. waiting to hear back from schools, waiting to hear back about my job, waiting to hear back from my doctor, waiting to hear back from my family in Kenya (pray for them).
  with all this waiting, i can’t think, i can’t write. so i choose to remain quiet.

  but i’m still here.

  peace.

• What I Learned in 2007

  Posted: December 31, 2007, 9:08 pm by chi

  soundtrak: quiet daze: scenic route

  i was going to do this big review of 2007, break it down month by month, but it just seems too overwhelming. alot of crap happened this year. a whole lot of crap. so then i was going to do the top five things i learned this year, but really, i can boil it down to one.

  the only person that can hold you back is yourself.

  and that pretty much applied to everything that happened to me this year. to passing my classes, getting dismissed to my program, filing an appeal, earning my masters, losing 130 pounds (and 10 dress sizes!), singing more solos, putting myself out there, to my current work situation. anything is possible and if it doesn’t work one way, try another way. i know this time last year, i thought life was great. in the middle of the year, i was in despair. but now, on the cusp of 2008, i know God holds so many things for me… the sky is the limit. i did things in 2007 that i thought i would never be able to do, i learned more about myself than i thought i would never learn. i also remembered that the trials that we’re put through help us to grow stronger, so i’m grateful for those too.

  so thank you 2007 for making me better than i thought i could be.

• Au Revoir

  Posted: December 27, 2007, 3:20 pm by chi

  soundtrak: halloween, alaska :: call it clear

  today, i was talking to CB throughout the day about my dream (two posts ago) and my interpretation of it (last post). for me, CB represents a carefree attitude that i know i have rejected throughout the years; i have issues with trying to relax. the car represents my drive and i know it’s loss represents the ordeal that happened to me this year. i remarked to CB, “it’s kinda sad; i feel like i’m moving on from this situation, but my subconscious keeps on bringing it up over and over.”
  “yea… sometimes when your subconscious brings things up in your dreams - its mos def time to deal with it,” CB said, “face it head on…things in your dreams… that “shake” you… pay attention to it.” ooh, i hate it when she’s right.

  today was also cute postdoc’s last day at work. of course, in true CB fashion, CB tells me to go over there and “just do it.” ever since i’ve met cute postdoc i had the feeling that there was something more to it. i didn’t quite get it until recently; he’s my opportunity to step out of the box.
  in the end, i was nervous as hell, but i went over and in french (he was quite surprised and impressed; you know i didn’t take 5 years for nothing), i told him goodbye, good luck and to have a safe flight. after, i felt so much relief; i was so glad that i just did it. just to show to myself that i can do it.

  peace.

• A Dream Deferred

  Posted: December 27, 2007, 7:48 am by chi

  soundtrak: feist :: how my heart behaves

  from dream dictionary, keyword interpretation of my previous dream; it makes so much more sense now…

  CAR:

  To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

  To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.

  STORE:

  To dream of grocery or convenience store, suggests that you are emotionally and mentally strained. Alternatively, you may be brainstorming for new ideas or looking for the various choices out there for you.

  STRANGER:

  To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice.

  FLIRTING:

  To dream that you are flirting or that someone is flirting with you, represents your need for intimacy and affection. You may be about to enter into a serious commitment or relationship in the near future.

  STRANDED:

  To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking for someone to help and rescue you from your situation.

  WORK:

  To dream that you are at work, indicates that you are experiencing some anxiety about a current project or task. The dream may also be telling you that you need to “get back to work”. Perhaps you have been slacking and need to pick up the pace.

  FRIEND:

  To see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.

  To see your friends, saddened and troubled, in your dream, signifies sickness and distress upon them.

  To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting that you have been acting in a childish manner and you need to start acting like an adult.

• Only in my Dreams

  Posted: December 26, 2007, 11:55 pm by chi

  soundtrak: commix ft. steve spacek :: how you gonna feel

  - so i’m sitting in lab this morning, waiting for AW to come with the mice already so i can start this experiment. i don’t know; i’m not so much peeved that i had to come into work this morning, because i have work to do, but the fact that i do have work to do. because if i didn’t, i wouldn’t have to come in. that’s circular logic for you.
  - i’ve been having a hard time waking up for the past month. usually, i set my alarms (yes, i have more than one) for a certain hour, i wake up to turn them off, then i go back to sleep and wake up an hour late. i don’t know if it’s just because i’m more tired lately or what. i’ve tried everything to taking naps to going to sleep early (which usually doesn’t work because i just end up staring at the ceiling for most of the night), but the trend continues. anyways, i was starting to have a dream when my alarms woke me up this morning. of course with the obvious joy i had about coming into work today, i promptly fell back asleep, to where i had another strange dream: i was coming into work and i decided to leave my car at the entrance to the parking garage. i don’t know why and in the back of my head i knew that my car was going to get towed, but i walked through the garage maze and ended up at macy’s but then i realized that i needed to be in lab and not macy’s, so i walked back. and i knew my car would be gone, i could feel the dread well up in my throat, but i was still surprised to find it gone. i looked down the road and saw my friend CB, P and a couple of other high school friends talking (not really arguing, but more talking) with this kinda cute guy with a tow truck. the guy was towing CB’s car and everyone was trying to talk him out of it. i knew, somehow, that this guy knew what happened to my car. so i started talking to him and he started flirting with me. at first, i was very uncomfortable about it, but i knew that they only way that i would get my car back was if i flirted with this guy. then i woke up. it was just so strange. usually, i can track the components of a dream and know where it all came from, but my dreams for the past couple of weeks are so random, i can’t make sense of them.
  - some time later…: okay, i’m done setting up that experiment. i was about to go home when the other boss dude invited me to cute postdoc’s going away party. being my anti-social self, i wasn’t planning on going, but i feel like i need to. not for cute postdoc’s sake, but mine. i’m always running away, i’m always not facing up to my fears. i just need to do it already. i’m scared as hell (MD and AW left me by the wayside and my other hangout buddies are not here) and time is ticking down, but i’m sticking to my guns. i need to prove to myself i can do this. i’m sure my therapist would say the same thing.
  - some more time later… : (dude, i need to publish this entry already) okay, so it wasn’t that bad. i have a tendency to inflate things to larger than thou proportions. i didn’t eat the cake (i couldn’t), but they took pictures. ugh! i hate pictures, but cute postdoc insisted. it was akward at first because i was straight standing in a corner by myself, but one of the other doctors from a lab across the hall came over. she’s very nice, so i talked to her for awhile before the picture taking began. so i did it; i’m glad. i’m making strides over here. CB wants to see pictures.
  - this holiday, i’m catching up on reading my wired mags (i am such a nerd!) and all the daggone books i keep on buying. it’s like chewing lard; i’m just knawing away at it.
  - the social calendar: meeting up with crispy (yay!) and hopefully T on saturday, meeting up with the biochem crew on sunday and wedding on monday.
  - chiiq.com updates: i made the music files for the end of the year playlist (well, maybe i should do that… make a best of 2007 downloads… maybe i’ll do that as an entry), but i haven’t uploaded them yet. i will today. also, updating bookshelf (i should put reviews on there… mental note), and the 101/1001 list (after i passed the deadline for my last one without finishiing most of it). also, a year in review.

  peace.

• Unavailable

  Posted: December 20, 2007, 2:48 am by chi

  soundtrak: lemongrass :: aloha

  so i’m still at work (despite the fact the boss has left to do christmas shopping and i have nothing else to do) because i’m meeting CB for dinner in town and it’s better than going home and then coming back out. i’m not the kind of person to do that.
  i haven’t written anything due to the combination of no time and not having a desire to write anything. currently, i’ve finished my grad school apps (amen!) and things are light in the lab because of the holiday season. i’ve had this window open all day and still i have had no desire to write. i figure if i start writing, the words will come. it’s working somewhat.

  so MD and i were taking a lunch break today when cute postdoc walked by. he gave his, what we call, exit seminar on tuesday and it was received very well; he did alot of work in a short amount of time and presented it very well (these are the types of people that should be assistant professors). this morning, i remarked to MD how i had a dream that cute postdoc was leaving and he gave us office supplies (?) as gifts. i got a hole puncher and apparently was very upset at the fact that i did. i remember saying, “what am i going to do with a hole puncher?” (i mean, i already have one…). MD also had a dream about cute postdoc, to which she was going to go over to talk to him, but found that i was already talking to him. about what, i don’t know, but i’m kind of scared because MD’s dreams have a tendency to come true.
  anyways, so he walks by and MD says “hi” really loud, as my back is turned towards him. speak of satan. he says hello to us individually (”hello chi,” in that sultry accent of his), but the conversation is mostly between MD and him (i do not/cannot get a word in edgewise..) with MD asking him a barrage of questions. but of course, the whole time he’s having this conversation with her, he’s looking at me. what’s. up. with. that.
  and this whole getting hit on by unavailable guys thing just gets me riled up; in the course of several months, i have been hit on by guys that are unavailable (including cute postdoc and mr. unattainable). i don’t know if it’s a scent i’m wearing or a sign or something, but it’s annoying to reciprocate back and then find out, “oh, i have a girlfriend/fiancée/wife.” it was funny because al’s friend/college roommate/neighborino dropped by last friday and asked me a couple of questions based on the fact that i’m a girl and he needed a girl’s p.o.v. basically, he was asking if a guy could/should ask a girl out even though they both know that she’s in a relationship. so, out of recent bitterness of cute postdoc’s unavailability, i asked queried him about my dilemma. basically, he told me that i must be doing something because it can’t be a trend if i’m doing nothing. ugh. no help.
  but talking to my other male friend (who is married and i’m quite sure harbors no romantic feelings for me), told me that guys like the chase, they like independence, they like it when girls seem “disinterested”. but the thing is, i’m disinterested because they’re unavailable. duh. *sigh*. i just need a nice normal (because chi don’t do crazy either), available, nice man to come a-knocking.

  i do want to eventually expand further on my obliviousness (obtuseness is more like it) when it comes to men, but perhaps in another entry. lots of other things have been happening, especially with work and just a deterioation of conditions, but just talking about it depresses me and i choose not to talk about it until i can articulate all my points clearly.

  smaller tidbits:

  - christmas is seriously ripping me a new one; i’m so beyond my budget and with apps fees and transcript fees and gre score fees, i missed the mark a long time ago.
  - finally! finally! i have broken the 200 mark; i am currently 198 pounds. some people have come up to me, worried that i was wasting away, but it’s hard for me to see a skinner version of me… maybe because i see myself everyday (duh!), but i still look feel percieve myself as big. i do have a smaller goal of another 40 lbs, but as for long term, i’m just feeling it out.
  - new music! awesome! will update on here with that soon.

  anyways, it’s almost time to go and these people just decided to do a late delivery (and who is the one stuck dealing with it… me, of course).

  mahalo.

• Someday

  Posted: December 7, 2007, 8:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: the strokes :: someday

  - i always liked this song, but i just recently downloaded it. free thanks to CB.
  - when was the last time i wrote an entry? i know it’s been awhile. i just came back from this conference (that was actually in the city so i didn’t really go anywhere) and i started on my applications which are 1/2 done already (in one day? i’m amazing!). there have been things to write about, but i haven’t really had the time.
  - soooo…. MD found out that cute postdoc is married (the cute ones are always married) and chi don’t do married… so the bet is off. i don’t feel too bad about the whole thing, at least with cute postdoc (or embarrased about it either), but it reminds me too much about mr. unattainable. i was talking to Mic on the phone the other day and she asked me if i still had feelings for him. i don’t want to, but i know i do. it’s hard (and maybe i’ll write an entry on it soon).
  - i feel like i ran out of things to say. eh, more later maybe. i’m still alive though.

  peace

• When They Reminisce…

  Posted: November 26, 2007, 6:32 pm by chi

  soundtrak: fan modine :: we are decades

  - i don’t know if it’s a result of still living in the place where i grew up or the fact that my ten year high school reunion is coming up next year, but i’ve been getting in contact with alot of people from secondary school. most of the people i went to high school with, i also went to middle school and even elementary school with as well. this past week, i friended (on facebook), the guy that used to make fun of me in elementary school (like first grade), but became friends in high school. it’s so weird; we’ve known each other for 21 years.
  - this weekend, i met up with the biochemistry crew. i haven’t seen nic’s baby since he was born; well, in person at least… she’s always sending pictures. he’s adorable and the most good natured baby i’ve ever met. D and the boy are also doing well, respectively.
  - for a group of friends that have been friends as long as we have, it’s odd. we still have secrets among us. i know i didn’t really tell the boy about my problems at school and nic didn’t tell me about the surgery that she had recently. yet, we conversate like we all know what’s going on and try not to act shocked when we find out something that we didn’t know. anyways, there is more to that that i will go into in another entry.
  - thanksgiving was kinda crazy. i already have a large family as it is, so when you add in-laws, it just gets a little crazier. this year, i also invited aabs and MD over. lots of food, lots of laughs, lots of teasing; i woke up with a ‘hangover’ the next morning and ended up getting to work late.
  - on facebook, i’m friends with alot of the youth that i work with at church. one of them left me a message when i changed my status saying that i would be in lab this friday: i didn’t know you were a scientist! the thing is i really don’t see myself as a scientist, even though that’s what i am. but that’s what i’m trained to be, so i guess i am. the same way that a postdoc is a doctor, but not really; they’re still technically in training. we don’t call postdocs, dr. so-and-so here at work…. we just call them ‘bob’.
  - work has been okay. i have been working extra hard these past couple of months. my meeting/presentation is next week, so i’m working on the poster this week. then i need to focus on applications and quickly and then maybe i can breathe for a minute.
  - something that i wrote down during the sermon this weekend: sometimes we’re scared to try something new because we’re scared of the consequences of that action; we’re scared of experiencing those circumstances. but we don’t think about how those consequences can help us grow. and i know i’ve been through some shit these past 6-7 months, but i know it’s only God helping me to grow and expand beyond my box. so i’m grateful for the experience.
  - i wish i could apply that same sort of thinking with interacting with cute postdoc. i just freeze up and get so anxious, when really we’re the same person; i think we both have mild OCD (i clean my bathroom every other day y’all….). i only have 2-3 weeks left. argh!

  anyways. i feel that i could have written this entry a bit better, but i couldn’t figure out how to do that, so i just started typing. well… on to work.

  peace.

• Color Quiz

  Posted: November 25, 2007, 11:56 pm by chi

  soundtrak: koop :: whenever there is you

  so i took this color quiz… (this is what i do when i have long incubations)

  chi’s Existing Situation

  Uneasy and insecure in the existing situation. Needs greater security and a more affectionate environment, or a situation imposing less physical strain.

  chi’s Stress Sources

  Resilience and tenacity have become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

  chi’s Restrained Characteristics

  Exacting in her emotional demands, especially during moments of intimacy leaving her frustrated in her desire for a perfect union.
  Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.

  chi’s Desired Objective

  Takes easily and quickly to anything which provides stimulation. Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics cleverly so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermined others’ confidence in herself.

  chi’s Actual Problem

  The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

  chi’s Actual Problem #2

  Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.

  Take the ColorQuiz yourself right now!

• Two for One Special

  Posted: November 25, 2007, 9:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: koop :: i see a different you

  for my 27th birthday party…

  me: who is your +1?
  T: a suprise for you
  me: really?
  me: who?!!
  T: my other personality
  T: muh-whaaaaaaa ha ha!!!
  me: wow
  me: you’re special
  T: two for one special
  me: lol

  peace

• Shauri Yako

  Posted: November 21, 2007, 9:14 pm by chi

  soundtrak: orchestra super mazembe :: shauri yako

  - i guess this should just be an update on me. i know i haven’t been writing that much this month. i’ve started this entry so many times, it’s sad. i’ve been keeping really busy at work and when i get so focused, i don’t have the time to think or be anxious or even mad. but things are getting better. i only feel satisfaction that my hard work is finally being recognized, but humble enough to know (and have experienced) that your hard work can go unrecognized from time to time. you can only take it one day at a time.
  - i absolutely love this song. so i’ve been downloading songs and burning them for my mom when this song just got stuck in my head (and just the chorus too). it was irking me, so i set out to find it and i did (!!). i know it’s an old kenyan favorite (older than me?), but it really takes me back to my childhood. my dad would play it on long trips to nyc. it just makes me happy and want to dance. if you want the mp3 (you know you do!), just give me an email and i’ll pass it your way.
  - it’s that time of year again, thanksgiving. biochemistry crew is meeting up this saturday. i’m so excited; i get to meet nic’s son who i has yet to meet crazy auntie chi.
  - i did change some things around here. the radio.blog is updated, so enjoy that (playlist is on the music page). i changed my template; something a little darker because i’m feeling a little darker right now. but i’m not happy with it, so i might change that soon.
  - my legs are hurting right now; mr. f pushed us yesterday. he added 30 pounds to every exercise, including the leg press; “this is for thanksgiving,” he said. then after that, i ran my regular 2 miles (i’m working on increasing that). i was feeling okay but tired yesterday, but today, i am sore.
  - in lab, every two to five minutes, somebody is calling my name. i know where everything is, i have the answer, i’m the reliable one. i know it’s in my nature, but it seems like everybody is calling name at work, church and home. sometimes i just want to chill and not worry about it.
  - cute postdoc status (i just typed that and looked at it; that’s sad): so i know (and i have been told by a couple of guys that have been ’scorned’ by me) that i have the endearing quality to letting a guy know that i’m not interested in them. i think it’s a combination of anxiety, shyness and obtuseness; i don’t mean to do it on purpose. i actually have to tell myself: smile more! interact more! talk more! last week, i was thinking about giving up because i know i have already given the impression that i’m not interested, but i think he might be still interested (wow. this sounds so high school…) even though he’s leaving in two weeks. i vow to change though, starting with him. now if my anxiety would just go away…. (and i have vegan sweet potato pie + free lunch riding on this; i made a bet with MD)

  okay. happy thanksgiving everyone. i’m out.

  peace.

• Movie of My Life

  Posted: November 21, 2007, 6:49 am by chi

  soundtrak:

  i have another meme to do (which is way deep, btw, j…) and i need to write an actual entry…. but later. for now: i always say my iPod contains the soundtrack to my life…

  Directions:
  If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

  1. Open your mp3 library
  2. Put it on shuffle.
  3. Press Play.
  4. For every question, type the song that’s playing.
  5. When you go to a new question, press the Next button.
  6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool.
  7. Don’t skip songs.

  1. Opening credits: Overjoyed by Stevie Wonder; hmm…

  2. Waking up: Flow by Sade; i don’t think i would wake up so calmly… and i do wake up alone…

  3. First day of school: (Man) The Journey by Nightmares on Wax; i can imagine this as i’m strolling through the halls, greeting people like i’m the school star…

  4. Fight song: Yele by Wycelf Jean; they would play this song right after i punch the guy out…

  5. Breaking up: Survival by Nightmares on Wax; like a mutual breakup maybe…. or i catch him cheating…. “the rest just keeps on surviving”

  6. Happiness: Maybe Next Time by Logistics; i wouldn’t pick this song for happiness, but i tend not to be happy most of the time anyways…

  7. Life’s okay: Mind’s Eye by Nightmares on Wax; yes! lax and chill… life’s okay… i love this song!

  8. Mental breakdown: Runnging Circles by Mingle; serious mental breakdown….

  9. Driving: Baka Play Baka by Baka Beyond; it’s a playful song, like i would be playing cat n’ mouse on the highway

  10. Flashback: My Way Home by Kanye West + Common; this could work…

  11. Getting back together: Bubbles N’ Slide (Nightmares on Wax remix) by Sabres of Paradise; it said not to skip, but i would maybe skip this song… or maybe we would do something fun

  12. Wedding song: Closer by Lemon Jelly; awww, this is cute… just nice, light and breezy… if i ever get married, i hope my wedding would be this way…

  13. Birth of first child: If There Ain’t Nothing by Res; wow… yeah, this song don’t fit…. but i don’t think i would have any kids either… but i would be there for my kids… unlike the song says…

  14. Final battle scene: Between the Lines by Sara Bareilles; my iPod is failing me here…. maybe like slow motion sword fighting or something…

  15. Death scene: Jamacian Farewell by Harry Belafonte; aww… i would be like whispering with my dying breath, “don’t cry for me..”

  16. Funeral song: Sittin’ Back by Res; uhh…. i guess i could make it work..

  17. End credits: In My Place by Coldplay; i hate movies that end with upbeat songs, but dag, this is depressing…

  even i wouldn’t go and watch this movie… maybe wait for it to come out on tv…

  peace.

• Ethical Hustler

  Posted: November 11, 2007, 8:55 am by chi

  soundtrak: the cansecos :: what it was you said

  are you an ethical hustler?

  you know how google ads are; they cater to certain keywords in an entry or, in my case, the email message i had opened. i usually ignore the ads on the side of the screen, but there was something about this ad: how to be an ethical hustler. it was very interesting article, to say the least. and i quote:

  do not be apologetic for who you are.

  for some reason, that sentence has been resonating through my head the whole week, but yet, my ’swagger’ (as one of my friends so lovingly calls it), my confidence that i know what i’m doing with my work, my self and my spirit, has largely diminished. i know what i need to do to get done what i need to get done, but i just don’t have that ‘push’ that my confidence would give me to do it. so i procrastinate. alot (that’s what i seem to be doing alot: cleaning and procrastinating).
  why is confidence waning? over the years, i have learned what my true strengths and weaknesses are. i know i’m a good scientist because i’m a hard worker. i get my stuff done. but right now i’m in an environment where it seems that anything i do isn’t good enough. in the back of my head, i know it’s not me and i know i should remove myself from this environment, but that’s not possible right now. so i have been procrastinating with everything.
  for me, the next step after procrastination, is abandonment. i remember, in school, when i took 21 credits, i was so overwhelmed, i just stopped going to my math class. i never dropped the class but it totally fell off my radar. unfortunately, i had to face the consequences of my abandonment; there is a big ‘w’ on my transcript. i have abandoned projects, ideas, even my friends. currently, i am facing the consequences of one these things that i have abandoned. my lack of confidence is affecting everything i do. i feel like i’m reverting back to my adolescent self. it’s discouraging.

  but what can i do, but pray for confidence that only the Lord can give me. in my head, i know things will work out and be alright; i know i’m gonna get back into school and earn my PhD. i know that it’s going to be hard too (and that’s why i’m going through these trials now, to prepare me for what’s to come). but i’m just in a place where it’s like, “i’ll believe it when i see it.” i’m not sure why.

  but i do want that confidence back. desire is part of the equation. passion is a part of it too. and that is all you need, pretty much, to jump start yourself. my fire isn’t blazing, but the pilot light is still on.

  these words are meant for you
  they bring gifts and truths
  they ask you everything about yourself
  it’s all up to you
  decide what to do
  then bring the things you love in bloom

  peace.

• Surface

  Posted: November 5, 2007, 6:16 pm by chi

  soundtrak: logistics :: haunted by her yesterdays

  sometimes in the morning, i get queasy. my doctor says that it happens to alot of people and i should just push my breakfast back to a later time in the morning. some mornings, i’m fine and others, i’ll be feeling sick for about an hour or two. not feeling too great this morning; i feel tense and i have a small headache.
  it’s cold outside this morning and i have alot of errands to run. i need to buy a coat and some sweaters and gloves. i need to change the oil in my car, so she (my car is totally a she) can run better; the way that gas prices are going, i need efficiency. i need to update my CV and start on my applications.

  the funniest thing about losing weight is what people say. yesterday, at my cousin’s baby shower, i got alot of, “where’s the rest of you?!” or “are you losing weight?” i don’t know; i find it funny. despite the fact that i’m getting healthier, alot of other medical problems are starting to surface. my physical disability wasn’t always so physical, under the layers of fat. getting out of the shower yesterday, i looked in the mirror and it was just… there. it disturbs me. i don’t mind talking about it when people notice the minimal circumstances due to my disability, but the fact that people can really see it… i don’t know. i’m scared to go to the doctor to check it out because i know he’s either going to tell me physical therapy (which is not going to do anything) or surgery. it’s easy to be scared if you’ve never, ever had surgery in your life (and i kind of want to keep it that way). but now i feel weaker somehow, now that you can see it. it’s comparable to alot of the problems i have been dealing with emotionally; i can’t bury them anymore, now that they’re coming up to the surface. i have to deal with them and fix them. i don’t know. i will get it checked out though; i need to use this good insurance while i still have it.

  anyways.
  peace.

• A Husband

  Posted: November 2, 2007, 12:51 am by chi

  soundtrak: pendulum :: still grey

  - so today, AW need some change for a soda. “can i get 50 cents?” he asked me. “and what am i gonna get in return?” i asked. “my undying and unfailing friendship?” “nope, that’s not gonna benefit me.” MD giggled. “okay…. a husband.” i laughed, “now that’s really not gonna benefit me.” everybody laughs.
  - every friday morning, when i get to the security gate, the security guard goes, “how are you my friend? ahhh…. you are smiling… because it’s friday!” i can’t help but laugh and no matter what’s going to go on that day, i feel instantly better about it.
  - i just got paid yesterday, but it doesn’t mean anything. my bills are out of control this month and my student loan found out that i’m currently not in school, so i gotta pay some of that too. i was one of the lucky few to only borrow $5000 (long story; but better compared to the people that borrow $10,000+). al says i should just pay it off, but chi don’t make al money (which is more than double my stipend). anyways, after undergrad and before grad stint #1 (because there will be a grad stint #2), i was able to pay off half. it’s crucial. i know i talked about this before, but i have this fear of debt and money; it completely freaks me out: i try to keep it simple. don’t borrow alot and pay for everything.
  - i won’t be coming into the lab this sunday (much to the postdoc’s… not the cute one.. dismay; and AW, the student, doesn’t work on weekends); instead i’m going to my cousin’s baby shower. i don’t know what’s in the water, but it seems like most of my cousins are having babies.. and it’s making me look bad. the cousin that’s a year younger than me is already married and has two kids. WTF? mom always points this out when we go see her. i’m just preparing myself for this sunday.
  - cute postdoc status: i don’t know. i think i always get like this when i have a crush on someone; i freak out and i sabatoge myself without even realizing. i’m not gonna say what i did, but i have been sabatoging myself. soon, cute postdoc will deem me insane (if he hasn’t already) and keep far away from me until he leaves. i should write up a paper on our whole interactions and publish it.
  - i want to do nanowrimo and i even signed up for it, but there is just too much going on right now. i still have a need to write a story.

  anyways, i’m out. great weekends everyone.

  peace.

• The Visit

  Posted: November 1, 2007, 2:09 am by chi

  soundtrak: daft punk :: too long

  today has been a pretty productive day. i ended up going to gu in the morning to visit with a professor (from another department) that i did a lab rotation with when i was still in the program. she’s a really great person and she does awesome work, but unfortunately, i just wasn’t interested in the work she was doing; i really wanted to go into immuno.
  we talked about a couple of things and she did promise me a recommendation if i needed one. after talking with her, i met up with ames, who’s been studying for midterms and needed a break. she’s one in a million. while trying to withdraw money from the ATM, i decided to check if i had any money on my old student card. imagine my surprise finding $35 on my account. you know they weren’t gonna give me back that money. shoot, i went to town… and you know going to town means i went to the bookstore and i bought some books. ames said that i probably unexpectantly came into money because i generously gave some; you reap what you sow. sweet!
  even though we didn’t spend alot of time together (i had to get back to lab to get some work done), i really treasure the time i did spend with ames. it just took my mind off things a bit.

  cute postdoc (i’m not giving him another name; i like this name) and i are wearing the same color shirt today; light green. i would note the similarity, but i think he already thinks i’m crazy. he’s very shy though and keeps to himself. Mic, who called last night, is trying to encourage me to draw him out; what would be the harm. i don’t know; i’m kinda shy myself. we’ll see.

  after running for trains and shuttles today (which i don’t miss at all) and then jumping on work as soon as i walked in the door, i’m exhausted. i don’t celebrate halloween, so it’s gonna be a quiet night. which is good since i gotta work out tomorrow morning. ugh!

  peace.

• Better

  Posted: October 30, 2007, 6:26 pm by chi

  soundtrak: regina spektor :: us

  yesterday actually ended up being a better day than i though it would be. when i came in the morning, my sinuses were congested due to the cold weather (which just came out of nowhere by the way). i checked my yemail after trying to settle down somewhat and found an email from my disgruntled advisor telling me that i had been procrastinating on the things that i needed to do. that kind of hit me hard because i know i have a serious procrastination problem that only gets worse when i get extremely stressed. i could feel the tears just coming, but i told myself that crying about it wasn’t going to help the situation. i started praying out of desperation, “Lord, just please make this day not suck.” i emailed my other advisor to see if i could meet with him that day, and i know i caught him at a good time because his schedule was free for me to meet him in the afternoon. AW was late with the mice, so i started my experiment way later than i wanted to, but somehow i finished in enough time to prepare for my meeting.
  i feel like i’m at a point that i don’t know what to do or what to say. i’m trying to prepare a poster for a meeting in december, our lab is up for review in december, most grad school apps are due in mid-december/january and i’m overwhelmed. i’ve been sort of mute about it, but i was able to express my concerns with my advisor which just helped me feel better about the things that are going on right now. i just need some reassurance that i’m making the right decisions at the right times. we came up with a tentative gameplan that i feel comfortable with.

  also, i think i talked to cute postdoc more yesterday that i have all year. i don’t know; i was in a mood i guess, so i wasn’t as nervous as i usually get. i asked him a question in the morning about a kit for this experiment i want to try. then we had this strange thing going back and forth between us all day; he came up and asked me a question, then an hour later, i would ask him a question, and so on. i listen to my iPod when working since i don’t really like listening to other people’s conversations and it helps me concentrate. it was funny; everytime he came to ask me a question, he would just stand in front of me and i would look up and there he was. at the end of the day, we were the only two people left in lab (now that i think about it, i hope we were the only two people left), as our bosses have gone on a retreat. i usually make sure things are locked up (since last year, when our mac just straight up got stolen…. i mean it was a G4… who does that?), but then i saw him and i said goodnight. i don’t know; i just find the whole dynamic interesting.

  i had a good workout this morning. mr. f has me doing different chest and shoulder exercises this week that are really straining my disabled arm. i know i should go to physical therapy for it, but i still have my reservations about it. the running is coming along better. this morning’s run was rough because half way through it, i really wanted to quit, but i did my full 30 min and my endurance is really coming back, so i’m really excited about it. i’m still aiming for my goal at my cousin’s wedding at the end of the year.
  it was funny actually because i went to my cousin’s wedding shower this sunday and i didn’t realize that i haven’t seen them both in about a year, so when i walked through the door, my aunt exclaimed, “what happened to the rest of you?!” i can see the changes happening and it is exciting.

  i have been really lagging on D.O.G.; there’s a new wordpress available that i haven’t installed yet. i haven’t changed the radio.blog yet (but you can see my updated iTunes purchases…. and i have been purchasing) and i have started on any books. i quess it’s ok since my advisor recommened that i probably take the GRE Bio test, so i have to study for that real quick. man, i don’t miss studying at all.

  and last of all, thank you for all the kind comments. it’s always good to remember that sometimes everyone has a rough day. new B emailed me yesterday; i didn’t get into detail about school and everything, but i think he realized that i was having a tough time: Sounds like life is not treating you well at present. Don’t worry…we ALL have one of those days or weeks or even months in our life. Things have ways to work themselves out….just be patient. (and you know it’s feeling like a rough couple of months). i’m just glad to know that things will and are getting better.

  something funny my friend sent my way; i’m still laughing:

  peace.

• why do i keep on messing up? ...

  Posted: October 29, 2007, 5:34 pm by chi

  why do i keep on messing up?

  this is frustrating.

  more later.

  peace

• The Power of Thinking

  Posted: October 24, 2007, 6:55 pm by chi

  soundtrak: kanye west :: everything i am

  - i’ve been sort of out of it lately. i don’t know if it’s because i’m working hard (and i need to; i have alot of crap to do), but i just don’t have an emotion in particular. i’m just here.
  - MD is better talking to cute postdoc than i am. i dissolve into a giggling mess; it’s not my fault that everytime MD and i have an encounter with him, she’s always being funny. i don’t know; it’s like this force field thing, whenever he asks me a question or something, my mind goes blank and i get that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. *sigh*. anyways, like most of the postdocs here, cute postdoc is from overseas and unfortunately, he’s leaving at the end of the year. ahh well… it’ll be nice while it lasts.
  - my vacation was okay. i mostly slept, watched tv and movies and read a couple of books. i think i had to reset my body clock. not that i haven’t been sleeping well, but i mostly sleep because i have to… kind of like the same way one recharges a battery… you gotta do it for the battery to work. but you know how if you recharge a battery before you run it out, you shorten the battery life? that’s how i was feeling before vacation. i would sleep, but i wasn’t really getting the rest that i needed and i was running out of power daily.
  - one day, i went to the bookstore and i found this book, The Five Rules of Thought. i don’t usually take these things seriously, but i cracked the book open. The first rule basically says that one should focus on their desires and an unfocused thoughts usually lead to not only wasting your time and energy, but wasting other people’s time and energy. i know that i have been unfocused for the past couple of weeks months and i really need to focus on what i need to do. i’m tired of wasting time spinning my wheels.
  - i also looked through the book, The Law of Attraction. i’m skeptical about that too, but he made a couple of good points, including how statements, positive and negative, affect not only ourselves, but others around us. he recommends that we don’t use the words, can’t, won’t, don’t and no, because we tend to focus on the word that follows the negative word. for example: don’t panic (and you know in the movies, people automatically start panicking). instead, change the statement to be neutral, if not postive. so instead of don’t panic, stay calm. of course, that entails really thinking about what you’re going to say before you say it, but i could see how it could have a positive effect. i have been still feeling down about just getting my masters; it feels like a really expensive consolation prize. but because i’m seeing the situation that way, it’s been hard for me to focus on actually moving on.
  - i’m really excited because my running is getting better, since i got sick. my weight loss has sort of stalled, which i think was mostly due to my diet (of mostly cocoa puffs and pops… the best sugary combo in the world) and my workout time, which decreased from 6 days a week to 3-4. but i revamped the diet; i went to the store and let me tell you, it was hard avoiding the sugar. but now i’m starting to see how my mood has been affecting my behavior (depressed leading to eating sugar to craving sugar to eating more sugar). i’m glad that things are really just getting better.

  ok. back to work.

  peace.

• The Grind

  Posted: October 9, 2007, 6:18 pm by chi

  soundtrak: supersystem :: not the concept/ cynatific :: quiet star

  - so i did say something to the cute postdoc friday morning. he must think i’m arrogant; sometimes i come off that way to people, when in reality, i’m really shy. my friends often introduce me as this off-the-wall character, but when i timidly say hello, they get disappointed. it just takes me awhile to work up to “off-the-wall”; just give me time.
  - i don’t want to talk about this lab situation right now, but it just got funkier.
  - last thursday was MD’s birthday, so we went to cheese.cake to celebrate. waiting for our food, we started talking about prophetic dreams. usually, i’ll have deja-vu dreams; dreams that i don’t understand until i see the same scene replay before my eyes. MD has symbolic dreams and she knows what they mean when she has them. she shared with me that she dreamed that i would be kicked out of my program before i started even having any extensive problems. she said she saw my appeal with a ‘rejected’ stamp on the top. she was too scared to tell me, but when i came back from that fateful meeting depressed, she already knew what happened. that’s kinda scary.
  - also last thursday, i went with massander and his cousin to Bodies: The Exhibition. it was really interesting and even though i have taken many courses on the human body and it’s systems, i was still amazed. the human body is wonderful thing. we are fearfully and wonderfully made. i’m glad that i took the time to go. driving through city traffic however, was another story. just stab me in the eye already.
  - just four more days until vacation. i have no idea where i’m going yet, but by golly, i’m going somewhere.
  - this weekend was pretty okay. i didn’t do much; just slept alot. i went to the store on monday to stock up on some things. i’m starting a new regime, so i’ll see how that turns out in december. at the mall, somebody side-swiped my car; i’m still pissed.
  - i had the day off on sunday from the gym, but i was on today. it was a little rough, but i made it through. going easy on the cardio, on the crosstrainer, i watched these two girls on the treadmil just running. and i do mean running, like 6.0 mph. man, i so want to do that, i envied them. my running has been lagging lately, mostly because i don’t work out on my off-lifting days and days that i do lift, i’m often too fatigued to run. i’m getting back to where i was before i got severly sick though, so that’s good. the lifting is doing me good too. i have already gone down a dress size in about three weeks; you can definetly tell the difference before i started lifting. the only set back is that with the gain of muscle, the needle stops on the scale. i’m hovering and it’s driving me insane. i feel like i’m eating wrong/too much (vegan pastries and vegan ice cream are horrible; sugar is just evil; but i know the increased hunger is due to the lifting) and i retool my diet daily. the one thing that i used to measure success is gone. i’m aiming for 8; i started at 24 and i’m down to 12/14. i have about 30-50 to go (which is small considering 130) my cousin’s wedding is on new year’s eve is my goal. my no-hassle deadline is my birthday. i know if i press on, i can do it. sorry about all this weight talk. i have to motivate myself somehow.

  and i guess that’s all for now.

• A New Day

  Posted: October 1, 2007, 7:33 pm by chi

  soundtrak: kanye west :: all falls down

  - and i’m moving on. new day, new week, new month. just got paid. it’s all good.
  - i have been reading slow lately, but i’m still enjoying ultramarathon man by dean karnazes. when i stopped reading, i was at the part where he was running his first 100 mile western states marathon. everything that he went through in just 21 hours and he finished it. he comments on the experience:

  everything took on new meaning. my demeanor grew more carefree, as if the important things in life had become clearer. my outlook became more expansive; my shortcomings less significant.

  and i felt inspired. i was really feeling sorry for myself this past month, but i need to keep the faith and look past my shortcomings. i need to try. i need to risk. i need to strive to do more. i have a meeting with my ex-advisor (as she’s the advisor for the graduate program i left) tomorrow. i really appreciate her time and input on my situation; since i was one of the first ones in the program and she really worked with me closely finding a lab and taking care of school problems. i have some ideas of where i want to apply, one of them being boston. i was really hesitant about it, despite the fact that alot of the work that i’m doing here is being done up there. and i really don’t like cold. but reading and marinating this weekend, i decided that i don’t really have anything to lose and i have to at least try.
  - but not only with school, but with my life. i need to do more. live more. there are so many things that i want to try, but i kind of just brush off: i don’t have time, i don’t have money, the situation makes me anxious. mom was telling me the other day as i was complaing about how unsure i was about where i was going on vacation, “just spend it woman!” i don’t know; i’m an overt worrier. i always have the worst case scenario in mind. it’s hard to let go. i wish i could say, i’m just gonna do it, but it’s easier said that done. we’ll see.
  - i feel good about this month. my friends and i used to call october ‘hell month’ because it’s the month of midterms. this october: no midterms and vacation in two weeks.
  - i think i’m going to do this; i have the perfect story for the submission and it’s amazing how i can already see the flow of the story in my head. also it’s due next sunday, but i think can pull it off.
  - i really caught this in the middle and i don’t know where i was went they said that clarence thomas was going to be on 60 minutes. but on the site, you can watch the interview (or read it). it was interesting to say the least. i don’t want to get into my stance about affirmative action and the man himself, but be informed.
  - chiiq.com update: will update music and bookshelf soon. i just added the iTunes widget because it’s better than me relisting all the awesome albums i’ve been buying. and i tend to buy songs as singles. so yeah check that out.

  here’s to a better day, week, month. cheers.

  peace.

• Prep Time

  Posted: September 28, 2007, 12:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: do you believe

  anybody that knows me knows that i’m a neat and meticulous person. maybe it’s just some control issues i have, but if i’m planning something, doing something or taking part in something, i have to know what’s going on and when and things have to be prepared. when i’m running an experiment, i like to have things prepared (labelled tubes, already made reagents) at least 2 hours before i run it. of course, some experiments don’t always work out this way. life doesn’t work out this way.

  i was watching tv last night, thinking about wednesday; if i only had a little bit of prep time, i would not be suffering from delayed onset heartache, when my cell rang. of course, it was in my messenger bag and i though it was a text message, but when the ring repeated, i searched for it. i missed the call.

  of all the people to call. at a time like this: B. all this time i had resisted the urge to call him myself and this fool finally picks up the phone to call. i called him back because i knew that he would continue to harass me over the course of several days until he reached me. we talked for awhile; he works closer to me now. he explained why he missed P and sol’s weddings.
  “i want to see you,” he finally confessed over the phone.
  “i don’t think that’s a good idea.” it’s never a good idea. B. starts out nice and loving, but then his needs comes out. he needs your acceptance, your time, your attention, even if he starts to act like an ass.
  “so i guess i’ll call you later then.” i didn’t say anything; not a yes or no. i wonder if i’ll pick up the phone next time. this week totally sucks.

  peace.

• Ghosts

  Posted: September 27, 2007, 7:22 pm by chi

  soundtrak: feist :: how my heart behaves

  this week at work is festival; everybody gets to present their work through a poster presentation (which i did) or symposia (which i don’t think i’ll ever be ready for).
  MD and i were presenting posters this year, so after we practiced for a little bit in lab (it was her first poster and my 5th poster presentation), we took the shuttle over to the conference center where the presentations were being held. looking out the window, i saw a ghost. i have yet to go into mr. unattainable here (eventually, i will), but let’s just say i was not expecting to see this guy at all. seriously, i was more worried that cute postdoc (who i still haven’t talked to yet; i’m working on it…) would come up to my poster and i would freeze up.
  “MD, look!” i pointed out the window and moaned.
  “you didn’t know he was presenting a poster,” she asked me, amused.
  “i looked him up, but i didn’t see his name.” (i do have the stalker mentality, ladies and gentlemen). i moaned again, “i cannot do this today.”

  we eventually found out where we needed to set up our posters and unfortunately, it was in alphabetical order. mr. unattainable and i have last names starting with the same two (TWO!) letters. we almost have the same initials, it’s kinda creepy. MD came to help me hang my poster when we ran into him.
  “hey,” he brightened.
  “hi,” i smiled, but looked down. i resisted the urge to give him a hug, “you’re presenting a poster too?”
  “yeah, i’m just getting some water,” he stared.
  “i’m going to put mine up. just trying to find out where.”
  “you’re right next to me. alphabetical order.” (thanks genius!)
  *pause*
  “um… i’ll see you then,” i start walking.
  geez. i feel like fainting. MD is laughing.
  “if cute postdoc (i need to give him a name) comes, i’m gonna cry,” i can’t stop moaning, “MD don’t tell him to come over here!” MD just laughs.

  mr. unattainable comes back and all three of us are staring at my poster.
  “i made the font too big; you can see it a mile away,” i feel the need to say something. mr. unattainable just nods. MD leaves, “i’ll leave you guys to it.” i give her a desperate look and she flips me a wave. ugh! we stand in silence some more, both reading my poster. the thing i enjoy the most about friends is that we can sit or be in each other company in complete silence and be completely comfortable with it. with mr. unattainable however, our silence is uncomfortable. i can barely stand it. and the fact that he always stands too close to me. not that i mind so much, but it always unravels me.
  “um, how’s life going?” i take a step back and move to the other end of my poster. where is my water? he goes into the papers he’s writing for publication and i’m jealous.
  “looks like the honeymoon’s over,” i joked (i will go into detail about that later). he gives me a look and i bite my tongue. why is this hard?
  “um… show me your poster,” i urge him and we walk (shift?) over to his poster. i read and he tells me about his work. he’s standing too close again, but i let him. we stand in silence reading over his poster and more people being to stand around. the presentations have begun. there’s a guy that looks interested in his work, so i give a brief smile and stand in front of my poster.

  i keep mostly to myself after that, talking with people and taking suggestions. AW, abbs and dr. a pass through. cute postdoc never comes and i’m glad. i don’t think i could stand it; it feels like my heart might burst. eventually i walk around and look at other posters. the session starts to wind down. i roll up my poster before he does, but he ends up leaving before i do.
  “i’m going chi,” he says. i can feel him staring.
  “hopefully i’ll see you around,” i gain the courage to look up and our eyes meet. it feels like eternity, but it’s only a moment.
  “hopefully.”

  and my heart aches just a little bit less today. hmm. anyways. talking about ghosts, i was on my way back to lab yesterday and i ran into another familiar face.
  “JM?” i was hoping i was right. i was. i was going to say “do you remember me” but i do have a very recognizable face. JM was mic’s friend from college and we were all working in the same program like 3 years ago. mic and JM went off to med school and i went off to grad school. he’s back to do a clinical for a year, but it was really good seeing him. hopefully we’ll hang out soon.

  ghosts can be good and bad, it seems.

  peace.

• End of the World

  Posted: September 25, 2007, 5:20 pm by chi

  “How does it feel,” he asked.
  “Like my life has been ripped right under me,” I looked up at him and he gazed at me with sad eyes. He looked helpless, which made him awkward. He brought his hand up to pat my back, only making him seem even more awkward.
  “I’m sorry,” he offered.
  “It’s okay,” it was my standard answer, but I could feel the tears welling up in the back of my eyes. At this point, I was tired of crying, but the tears still managed to come anyway.
  I didn’t want him to see me cry, but I was crying. It seemed like everything was out of control, even my body. The tears slipped out and I bent my head forward to cover them. He scooted up and I let my head fall on his shoulder. His awkwardness disappeared, his hands rubbing soothing circles on my back. Through my stopped-up nose, he smelled like Old Spice, old men’s cologne, despite the fact that we were both young.
  In the crook of his arm (so I could breathe), I tried to think how I could get out of this situation that my emotions had landed me into. I always hated this position even though I found myself here many times. I always needed something from them, demanded their time and comfort, while I gave nothing in return. This guilt always came to me at this moment, just when I needed them the most.
  With unfinished tears, I pulled back, his hands resting at the base of my neck. I dared to look up: sad eyes. I know I probably looked pretty pathetic myself.
  “Don’t be sad,” I said.
  “Aren’t you sad?” he asked.
  “I’m past sad, I think.” he smirked, his lips pressed together, curving at the ends. I stifled back a laugh; my conflicting emotions.

• (Who Gives a) Damn

  Posted: September 24, 2007, 6:35 pm by chi

  soundtrak: logistics :: maybe next time

  - i have found that i currently cannot write in paragraphs, but in lists. my thoughts are too jumbled for paragraphs, but at least i’m writing, right?
  - i’m irritated today. it’s like a cycle; one day is good, the next day, i’m pissed off. actually, at church this weekend, i was accosted by MB, who will come up in the middle of a conversation that i’m having with someone, and hug me. he already knows that i hate his guts and i don’t want him to touch me (i have told him this) and how rude it is for him to interrupt my conversations. anyways, yesterday, i was talking to an old family friend who was visiting and here this fool comes around, i see him in the corner of my eye. he comes for a hug, but i push him away and say, “i’m not giving you a hug.” but still he insists by pressing closer and i’m so glad i’ve been lifting because that brother is naturally strong. i was peeved because i already said no and he still didn’t get it. so then violent chi came out and i said in the house of the Lord (God forgive me), “if you touch me again, i’m gonna stab you with these keys.” old family friend was looking at me strange; i wasn’t always a violent person. but i mean, geez, get a life and get a clue, wtf?
  - i guess it’s a good thing that i feel like writing since NaNoWriMo is a month away. i do have a pretty clear idea of a novel in my head and i’m excited about it. usually, i’m a reader, reading about 5-6 books a month, but i’ve been lagging and i know it’s because my brain is telling me that i should be writing. i don’t know if it’s necessarily going to be a good time since i have another conference in december that i have to prepare for, but i’ll try my best.
  - i have been managing my money through mint.com, which is this neat free online management system. the thing i like the best about it is seeing my spending trends based on category. i realize that i spend alot of money on food, even though i don’t eat alot of it. i go to giant alot, which was disconcerting to me. not that i buy crap, but, dag, i go to giant alot. and tar.get. so this month has been good with the spending, as i have decreased my visits. but i realized last night, as i was looking at my updated information, i have this fear of money. an unhealthy fear of money. i know there are things i need, but i will avoid buying because i don’t want to be in debt. i always pay off my credit card (i only use one now) every month, which is not bad, but i noticed that i always need to pay off everything. like the semester when i had to pay for classes out of pocket, which was about $7000. mom insisted that i get a loan, but i refused. i had enough money to pay for it out of savings, so i did. the same with the late taxes and penalties; i paid it all. in general, i’m a pretty good saver; i have several savings accounts. i mean, it’s great because i’m not thinking about those expenses anymore (as in having to pay off the loan if i got one), but that money is gone. i could have saved it and gotten some interest out of it. but i know i wasn’t thinking about that because of this fear of money i have. i know where the root of this problem comes from though, even if i choose not to discuss it here. i’m trying to sit down and to make some goals based on the spending trends i’m seeing, even for this last week in september, as i only get paid once a month. but i feel so overwhelmed; i feel like i should just be a hermit and not spend any money. it’s kind of freaking me out.
  - i have recently discovered that i attract nerdy white guys. i don’t know why, don’t ask me why, but i do. not like there’s anything wrong with that (ha! sinf.eld!), i just find it a little odd. what’s the attracting factor? and how can i get a free meal out of that?

  ok. i’m done for now.

  peace.

• Hired Help

  Posted: September 22, 2007, 2:41 am by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: flip ya lid

  - so it’s 520 on a friday afternoon and i’m still at work. there is no real reason why…. sometimes i think i like to torture myself. everybody else already left for the weekend.
  - so i went to go see my other counselor yesterday (yeah, i have two counselors… i don’t know if i really wanted to admit that here, but the time was coming) and she basically told me i needed a vacation. my inital counselor has already told me this, but she wasn’t as persistent at this one. she made me pick a week in october and a place to go (NYC). in reality, i’m only going so i can get some sleep in peace (i cannot sleep overtime at home without my parents asking me why i’m so lazy; i need to get out of the house). she told me that working without a break has probably caused my ‘lost’ feeling. it was amazing because i would have never been able to make that connection on my own. she also told me (well, more demanded because i do have a follow up appointment with her next week so she can check to see if i did indeed ask for time off) to ask dr. a today before lab meeting. i thought that it was going to be a hard thing and i was going to get some flack for it, but i guess everybody’s been noticing how hard i’ve been working (even though to me, it never feels like i’m working hard enough) and she just said okay. now it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and i feel just a little bit more motivated.
  - my counselor also told me that, in order to avoid the ‘i-need-to-leave-MD-right-now’ feeling, i need more ‘chi’ time, which surprisingly, i hardly ever have time for. i do like my job, so i like to work. i come in early, work, help people out, go home and do chores, clean the house, help my family out. by the time you come to me, i’m done. “you’re like a single mother without the children,” she told me. seriously? i don’t know. i always think, “if i work hard enough, then the reward will come.” but i think i don’t know what the reward is anymore. i seriously don’t know what fun is anymore. it’s sad. of course, you’re thinking, “duh, just get out of the house.” but it’s like i’m used to having no life and i’m not quite sure how (or i’m too scared) to change that.
  - i don’t know why it’s so hard for me to find the joy in things. i don’t know if i’m saying that right… to find the joy in having a successful experiment or even as simple as a beautiful day (like today, which i’m so not enjoying because i’m still in lab) or as monumental as earning my masters or losing 130 pounds. maybe it’s because i just don’t think i’m good enough; i’m never good enough. trust me, it used to be much worse. even though things are getting better, i still feel that way. i feel like i’m just getting by; i’m not amazing. i’m not okay with it (because clearly, it bothers me), but i don’t know how to change that either.
  - as for the impromtu list that i created in my last entry, i have crossed some of them off the list: i’m working longer hours (most definetly), i’m going on vacation, i’m cutting back on the tv (no reruns… except the simpsons and family guy… i gotta laugh), i’m working on the writing. the only things i haven’t even attempted are eating more veggies (but they’re in the freezer just waiting for me… they are) and talking to the cute postdoc. i’m practicing on everybody (do you know how hard that is?), but for the life of me, i cannot talk to this guy. usually we’re the first ones in, in the morning. i was going to do it this morning because it’s friday and then i don’t have to see the fool for the next two days. but i don’t know; i was in a funk and it wasn’t happening. i’m gonna do it y’all! i am!

  okay. i’m aiming for 6pm. have a good weekend everyone.

  peace.

• It’s Your My World

  Posted: September 18, 2007, 5:44 pm by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: damn

  - i have been irritated lately. people in lab (again) and my experiments are not working out the way i want them to. i haven’t been doing anything about the school situation and i haven’t recieved my official degree yet, so i feel like i’m in a holding pattern. and i hate being in a holding pattern. last week with my counselor, at the end of the session, i ended up crying. “why are you crying now?” she asked me. basically i spent an hour just talking about nothing. but i know i’m good at that; avoiding the problem and not talking about it. and you know when that happens, i start to clean. and i’ve been cleaning alot. and on a saturday night. that’s just sad.
  - sometimes, i just miss going to school. just taking the metro and meeting up with classmates. i know that part of my life is gone now and i’m not looking back, but just even sitting on the train and talking with whm, i miss. that sounds pathetic doesn’t it, missing school.
  - i met up with CB and naj this weekend for one of our friend’s weddings. it was just strange; i don’t know if it’s because we’re getting older. i pulled my hamstring last week, so CB ended up driving. telling me about her future plans to move to N.C. with her current boyfriend, just months after coming back from living in Hawaii with another boyfriend for two years (this woman remembers events based on which boyfriend she was with at the time), i started to envy her. “i envy you for getting two degrees,” she told me, “i feel like i’m going nowhere.” i wish i told her how much i wished i could be like her, just get up and go places or even be in relationships. i feel more stuck that her. but i know that’s why i appreciate her friendship; she gets me out of my box.
  - so i have decided that i can’t wait for things to change for me, i gotta change things for myself. i need to try new things. i need to work more effectively (and longer hours maybe). i need to eat more veggies. i need to stop watching so much daggone tv (and right during premier month; i have great timing). i need to write more. i need to talk to the cute postdoc down the way and ask him how his day is going. i need to take a real vacation, even if it’s by myself, somewhere not in the state of maryland. of course, everything is easier said that done as i have not done anything that i have listed yet. but i’m working on it.
  - i’m still trying to get over that sickness that i had about two weeks ago. the side effects are getting better; i’m coughing less and there is less mucus production. this time, sickness has really affected my workouts. i was going everyday before and making considerable progress, but now i’m just going about three days a week, the days that i go with mom and the family friend, who is helping me with weight lifting. because of my disability, i have very weak muscles which prevents me from lifting on my own. in order to build strength, i need alot of guidance and help. that’s my next main goal, but i also need to get back on the running.

  anyways, it’s a brand new day. let’s get it started.

  peace.

• Say It Right

  Posted: September 16, 2007, 7:37 am by chi

  soundtrak: mingle :: anybody’s answer

  (coming back with a real entry sometime soon)

  T: your pushing me, you really are :’(
  :’(
  me: but of course, i know you weren’t thinking that
  T: goodbye digital world, I guess I’m just too analog
  me: you are so ghetto
  how much time do you have left at work today?
  T: eternity
  :’(
  whaaaaaaa - haaaa -haa :”(
  :’(
  me: realistically now
  T: a hour
  me: HA!
  i’m done now
  T: double ha!
  =/
  me: i’m just hanging out, talking to you
  T: exciting
  me: but my legs are on fire. too many squats and lunges… my leg muscles are spazing
  doing anything with you is exciting, T
  i’m surprised you didn’t realize that
  lol
  you’re the man
  T: ok, what do you want and how much is it going to cost me
  ?
  
  me: and i can tell from your rapid responses that your arm muscles must be getting bigger and stronger too
  lol
  (i was reading this article about what compliments guys like to hear and what compliments boost their self esteems… one was mentioning arm muscle size… lol)
  it’s all good homie
  T: oh brother
  what was that in … Vogue?
  me: yahoo
  yahoo.com
  T: just as bad
  me: it was an actual scientific study
  T: when I hear that from women I’m like
  mmmhhhmmm
  that’s what I think
  when I hear that
  Like “No I am not buyin you a drink”
  me: oh please… you know you like it
  lol
  so you really haven’t been working out?
  T: I have but still
  that’s something women usually don’t say to your face
  me: like what?
  T: usally they discuss that with their friends.
  not the male who has bigger rms
  arms
  me: lol
  my friend says that maybe that’s something that women don’t say to your face
  and then we laughed
  like maybe the women in the club laugh at you
  i’m just saying
  you can admit it
  T: ha!

• Retreat

  Posted: September 8, 2007, 1:48 am by chi

  soundtrak: logisitics :: maybe next time

  - i’ve been really busy the past two weeks. i just came back from the graduate student retreat (even though i’m not a grad student currently) to which i was preparing a poster to present. everything was going fine until the friday before labor day weekend, when al brought home this horrendous flu thing. dad and i ended up being sick labor day weekend and most of last week, which sucked for me because i was still working on my retreat poster. i was going into lab with fever, trying to finish this thing.
  - by the time i left on thursday, i was feeling much better, but was on my second case of laryngitis (yes, second case as in i lost my voice, it came back and then i lost it again). you can imagine the icebreakers and the poster session. we were only there (near the MD/W.VA border) for about 2-1/2 days, but i am feeling much better. i got to interact with alot of the other graduate students that work where i work and made some new friends. i guess it just feels good to be part of a bigger, supportive community. i feel very lucky and blessed.
  - talking about school, i told some of my former program-mates that i wasn’t in our joint program anymore, especially the new student that we accepted this year (to whom i interviewed with and met personally). things just don’t work out sometimes, but i know that everybody (not just me) is learning from my situation and hopefully things will work out better for everyone else in that program. one of the guys (he’s a second year that rode up with aabs and i) insisted that i still come out to social events, which i appreciate. i don’t feel so ‘dumped’.
  - also about school, hopefully this week, i should be meeting with all the important players so far to figure out a gameplan of what i need to do next, where i should apply and when and funding issues. i’m kind of scared, but i know it’s because i’m naturally afraid of change. but change can be a good thing and i’m praying that only good positive things will happen in the future.
  - because i’ve been sick, i haven’t really been working out, but they gave us some free time yesterday and i went to the gym there. wow. with that and the fact that they really didn’t have any vegan entrees at this place, i think i’ve busted my rut (which is good) and my plateau.
  - i guess this was really a retreat because i didn’t have internet access and low/no cell signal. i was dying up there, but i really needed to take a mental break from everything (even the state of MD). dr. a thought i was only going to stay a day, but i really needed the whole time up there.

  anyways, that’s all for now. gotta unpack and rest.
  peace.

• The Guy/Girl Dynamic

  Posted: August 27, 2007, 6:20 am by chi

  soundtrak: amy winehouse :: just friends

  here’s a thought: is there a line that can or cannot be crossed in a guy/girl friendship? can’t guys and girls just be friends?

  also, i remember this convo that MD and i had with AW one day. he says that men when they first meet a woman, determine if they can sleep with them before the get to the point of ‘just friends.’ agree/disagree?

  discuss.

  peace.

• This Week: 19 August 2007

  Posted: August 26, 2007, 7:18 am by chi

  soundtrak: modest mouse :: dramamine

  - i’m starting to feel a little bit better about the whole situation. they did, in the end, agree to give me a master’s, so technically i graduated this summer. i’m trying to see the positive side of this: i got a master’s, i get to go anywhere in the world to go to school, i’ve worked on the issues that i though i would have to deal with for the rest of my life, i met new people. everybody that i’ve told keeps on telling me that i’m so strong, but it’s not me, i tell you. God gives me the strength and through him i’m able to see the bigger picture and for that i’m grateful.
  - with all that’s going on this week, i have been keeping much to myself. i’m trying to snap out of it, as i have alot of work to do in these upcoming months (which now include reapplying for school … yay). i took off friday though and ended up just cleaning the house (again… i know). i don’t know what is so therapeutic about cleaning, but i love it. i found some old clothes (that i can wear now) and reorganized some things.
  - naj emailed me earlier this week; i take great comfort in our friendship. it’s like we’re on the same wavelength, she’s often thinking the same thing i’m thinking. she’s coming down for our other friend’s wedding this september, so i’m excited about seeing her.
  - i had a strange dream this afternoon. i won’t go into the details (not like it would make much sense anyways), but it did involve the members of flight of the con.chords. i’ve been trying to catch up with that show; it’s hilarious. they just bust out into song; i have often wished my life was like this… seriously, with the busting out into song. awesome. i leave you with a clip.

  peace.

• Victory

  Posted: August 22, 2007, 2:08 am by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: damn

  written: 20 august 2007; 12:20pm

  i don’t know when i’m going to post this. i don’t even know when i’m going to tell people. everything seems too soon.

  my appeal has been denied. i think i feel more relief than disappointment that a decision has been made. unlike when i found out that i have been booted from my program, it doesn’t feel like my life is over.

  i always knew this would be a possibility, that i would be denied. i kept on thinking about it more and more these past couple of weeks. i really wasn’t sure why, but i think it was to help me envision being here, at this point. i even thought about if i did get back in, what that awkward experience would be like interacting with all those professors that voted me out. but i couldn’t see it. i just couldn’t see it.

  it’s hard to be positive when you feel like crying. but it is a fresh start. now i’m focusing on trying to at least get a master’s. i recently when to a seminar on how to be a successful science trainee. somebody asked the panel of successful scientists what was the one characteristic that one of the successful students in their lab had. many were mentioned, but the one that stuck out the most was passion; “the fire in the belly”. i kept on thinking: i have that. i have that.

  i think in the end, i’m glad that it didn’t work out. i know that i can’t stop now. my passion is unfazed by this turn of events. my passion won’t settle for a master’s. “it’s just taking longer than we thought,” she’s telling me. she’s still hungry.

  peace.

• Warning Signs

  Posted: August 15, 2007, 6:29 am by chi

  soundtrak: feist :: past in present

  i didn’t realize what was going on until today. i thought i was just overworking myself and wasn’t eating as regularly as i should. i wasn’t getting enough sleep even though i can’t sleep more than 5 hours a night anyways.
  my workout on sunday was bad; i stopped running a couple of times. it felt like i didn’t have enough energy, but i waved it off. driving back from work yesterday, i felt a wave of dizziness (i can’t tell T about that one, he’ll worry too much). i fell asleep in front of my computer yesterday afternoon, but i really didn’t think too hard about it. i woke up at 4 this morning to run, but i just couldn’t get out of bed. driving to work this morning, i was just tired; weary in my bones tired. when i picked up MD this morning, she complained she was tired too, so i just thought it was a tuesday thing. by the time i got to my desk, i was exhausted. i could barely get any work done.
  of course, this is when i remembered that i haven’t been taking my iron tablets lately and my anemia was probably flaring up. when i realized this, i looked back on the past couple of days and realized i was losing energy this whole time. i didn’t heed the warning signs.

  i didn’t particularly want to make this a psa, but i urge you all to listen to your warning signs. don’t always trust what your doctor tells you; you know your body the best. when things start to change, be on it. the key to good health is prevention. even if there are no signs, get yourself checked out. you might be feeling fine sitting there and your blood pressure/cholesterol is through the roof.
  ehh. anyways, i left work a little early and i’m gonna put in an extra hour of sleep and start up on my supplements again.

  also, new august playlist is up; see the ‘music’ page and/or click the radio.blog to the right. lots of feist in there. i really like her album that came out recently. songs that stick out especially are ‘gravity’, ‘brandy alexander’ and ‘intuition’; i feel like i’ve been in those situations… like i am in those situations right now. then to round it out, some mylo: in my arms (popular comp. remix) because i always gotta dance. enjoy.

  peace.

• This Week: 12 August 2007

  Posted: August 13, 2007, 6:00 pm by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: damn

  - trying to keep productive this month, the month that everybody gets the hell out of dodge. the parking lots are empty, the traffic is light. i have a scientific meeting coming up at the beginning of september; i want to finish my poster for this and the other meetings that i have in the later months. maybe take some time off in september or october.
  - i’m a little sore this morning. i didn’t really go to the gym all last week, so my training is off again. i really want to finish this program by the end of august; i should be able to run a 5K at the end of this. here’s hoping that this week ends up better.
  - my uncle visited yesterday. other than visiting with my parents, he also wanted to the opportunity to talk to al and i about our future endevors. this particular uncle of mine has his PhD and manages labs in kenya. he’s invited me to do a postdoc (if i want to) after i’m done with school. it’s an intriguing offer and something i would have to think about; spending a good 4-5 years in kenya. but i think it would help me to open up my mind to the international view of research and development.
  - Y called me thursday afternoon, but i had silenced my phone i think. he didn’t leave a message, which i hate. who does that? am i supposed to call you back or not? i had an appointment later that evening so our convo was brief, but i still don’t know why he called. Y has been acting rather strange lately; i can’t quite put my finger on it.
  - anyways, hopefully more updates this week. it’s the end of summer. still working hard; you take it easy for me.

  peace.

• Eight

  Posted: August 6, 2007, 6:54 am by chi

  soundtrak: bent :: beautiful otherness

  i was tagged…

  The Rules:
  1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
  2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
  3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.

  Eight Obscure Things About Me:

  1. i have never been kissed.
  2. i have been wearing braids since i was 14 years old. i went natural after my first semester at college.
  3. i went out with my friend for about a month without realizing (that’s another entry all by itself).
  4. especially when i’m thinking, i like to rub my upper lip on the tip of my nose. MD hates it and AW thinks i’m strange, but i find it very comforting.
  5. when i eat veggie burgers late at night, i dream that i run over people i don’t like in saabs. awesome.
  6. i wear my ‘kenya’ bracelet to remind me why i’m getting my PhD.
  7. i make up random songs about eating random foods (i.e. the ‘fried chicken’, the veggie burger song) and teach them to the youth at my church. yeeeaaah…
  8. i love to drive fast. alot. i still have a dream of driving race cars.

  i don’t know who else to tag.

  peace.

• This Week: 23 July 2007

  Posted: July 25, 2007, 6:16 pm by chi

  soundtrak: sara bareilles :: one sweet love

  - it’s been a good and bad week. i don’t know; i was really excited for the week to begin. this is the week i was planning on turning my appeal, when mom was coming back and i had various abstracts due for some scientific meetings coming up. the days following up to this week just got increasingly better to the point i have begun to dance and sing in lab (much to the chagrin and delight of MD and AW). i just haven’t been this happy in weeks.
  - i’m turning in my appeal tomorrow (by hand; my school has a tendency to lose materials that i send by certified mail). everything is ready, just a couple of last edits. i just feel good about it. i feel good about getting it done and out. and i have to thank everyone here that’s just given me words of encouragement and prayers. i have grown by leaps and bounds these past 60 days and it’s all thanks to you. the growing and the hard work won’t stop; even if i don’t get back into this program, i have to keep on keeping on. i have so many other people to thank.
  - more feeling good: mom is coming back today. i’m picking her up tonight. i just miss her so much. i miss talking to her everyday and hugging her everyday and laughing with her everyday (even arguing with her everyday). i’m also eager to hear about grandma and how she’s doing.
  - even more feeling good: working out has been going really well this week. i feel energized; i’m working on my pace and endurance, reaching for two-40 min. workouts a day. i can’t work out for an hour in the morning because i come into lab early and if i have a meeting in the evening, i don’t workout in the afternoon. i’m just trying to do the best i can.
  - jules’ wedding was this past weekend. it was nice; it was beautiful. i saw some old college friends of mine and CB; her boyfriend went to high school with jules and the groom. it was a black wedding, so of course we did the electric slide, followed by the cha-cha slide and some other group dance songs. i did the first two in heels (heels!) before i sat out. never again.
  - talking about weddings, my friend just emailed for my address so she could give me a wedding invitation. i have already been to/seen about 7 weddings this spring/summer. i don’t have anything against marriage or anything like that, but dag! a sister is broke! i think i have about 3-4 more weddings to go this year, culminating in my cousin’s (who’s the sister of my cousin that got married earlier this spring) wedding on new year’s eve.
  - just funny: so i was telling my friend, ani (from high school) that i need a man that can cook and clean. “why?!” he asked me. well, somebody has to stay at home with the adopted kids… (lol! i’m not going through childbirth if i don’t have to!)
  - chiiq.com update: plan to update music (because i have new music… wee!) and i still have to put my 101/1001 page up. also, i wanted to do an entry on high school since i’ve seen alot of people from high school lately.

  anyways, gotta get to work.

  peace.

• Plus Size

  Posted: July 18, 2007, 6:02 pm by chi

  soundtrak: mylo :: valley of the dolls

  as of today, i have lost 120 pounds.

  shopping has been a rather odd experience. aabs and i went to a couple stores as i am looking for a dress for my friend’s wedding this weekend. i’m at the point where i’m between the plus size department and regular size department. it’s frustrating because stores tend not to carry the smallest or the largest size, so alot of the styles i liked were not in my size. with the dresses that did fit, they didn’t fit well. we left defeated.
  when i was larger, i was comfortable because i knew where to get the clothes that would fit me the best. i didn’t have to try on or think, ‘do these jeans fit right?’. i had my basic wardrobe all set. now i need a new clothes, but i have no money (thank you maryland government).
  it’s other things too. i get approached more often by members of the opposite sex; i’m not quite sure how to deal with this one. somedays i miss that anonymity; being ignored. i find myself still thinking like i was still 100+ pounds. it’s work in progress.

  peace.

• A Long Summer

  Posted: July 16, 2007, 4:50 pm by chi

  soundtrak: bent :: exercise 4

  - i know this is going to be a very long summer. i just turned in an abstract for a meeting i have in september and my data is looking kind of wack. do you know what means? working all through august baby. i was planning on taking a vacation at the beginning of august, but i don’t have any money anyways.
  - on friday, i was working on four hours of sleep. not like i haven’t done it before (sleeping at 1, waking up at 4 to come into lab before leaving at 7 to get to class), but summer is supposed to be a slower time. i stayed in lab until 2 to work on data and this abstract. why didn’t i work from home, you ask? because you and i know i would have fallen into bed and woken up in the morning with nothing done. i was super stressed thursday/friday morning; my back was on fire. but it’s a lesson learned; procrastinate no more.
  - that whole burring of the midnight oil thing totally screwed up my sleeping schedule; i’ve been fatigued through the weekend, without a good chance to sleep. i woke up this morning feeling a little ill; i’m still at home, trying to figure out if i’m going to make it into work today (as i sit typing this entry… classy)
  - this afternoon, i’m going up to school to talk with my co-mentor and any other professors i can run down. i need to find advocates or this appeal is not going to work. also, talking with nic last week, i need a place where i know i’m getting the support and help that i need. we all need to be on the same page about things; things have got to change if we want them to work. i’m kind of anxious about the whole thing, because i don’t know what to expect when i go down there. i’m just praying and hoping for the best.

  peace.

• The Year of 27

  Posted: July 9, 2007, 5:34 pm by chi

  soundtrak: common: it’s your world

  i was reading this post about being/turning 27 and i started to do a little research on it.

  so it seems, the 27th year is associated with saturn’s return, an astrological event in which the planet saturn returns, after it orbits the sun, to the exact place at a person’s birth, which is approx. 29.5 years. it is said that at this time, a person experiences events that will challenge their significance, in which a person evaluates their life. this is time that people usually settle down, get married, etc.

  now, i don’t believe in astrology, but the number seven has it’s own special significance to me. i knew that 27 would be a special year for me, but i didn’t expect what’s happening to me now to be happening to me. i have had to do alot of self-evaluation of my morals, my beliefs, my ideals, my dreams and my issues. especially the latter, things that i have been trying to push from the forefront of my mind. i’ve been pushing along hoping that i wouldn’t have to deal with these things, to achieve my goals, but i now realize that it was never going to work that way.

  and it’s painful, i can’t lie. it’s painful dealing with all the issues; reopening old wounds and healing them the right way. but i know in the end, i’ll be better for it. even when i thought i was having the best day a couple of months, years ago, life can be even better than that.

  peace.

• This Week: 01 July 2007

  Posted: July 6, 2007, 4:58 pm by chi

  soundtrak: daft punk :: too long

  - chiiq.com updates: as you can see, i have updated music. i always try to have a theme for each month (or when i get the chance to update it), but then i end up downloading some song(s) that i adore so much, i have to upload it. i was going to with something quieter, to fit my depressive moods, but then i just downloaded a buttload (do people still say that?) of drum n’ bass and i haven’t stopped dancing yet (which has reallly helped to pick up mood so i can get stuff done). i also added the radio.blog player to the side panel; you can pop-up the player. for a complete playlist, visit the music page. on other updates, i recently added a creative commons license to the site because i will be posting some prose work soon (hopefully). still internally working on my (new) 101/1001 list (as in starting over…).
  - i find that i really like being by myself; working by myself, reading by myself, watching tv by myself…. this week i was running an experiment for dr. a and i had the whole lab to myself (since people took off for the 4th) and i was loving it; i didn’t mind that i was doing somebody else’s work or that i could have been doing something else. however, when one of the post-docs came in, i was instantly moody, wanting to finish up quickly. i think that’s why i like coming in so early in the morning; nobody is here and i end up getting so much done.
  - appeal writing went much better this week; i’m happy. i was sitting in lab yesterday morning; i couldn’t concentrate, so i unplugged everything and went up the 7th floor and just typed and typed and typed. the draft is crap, but at least i have a draft. i feel like i’m getting somewhere.
  - ha! you see, i’m posting everyday. that’s because i’m not writing everyday. i’m trying to make it a point to at least write once a day, but because of the crazy schedules i have, sometimes when i come to the keyboard to start something afresh, i end up not writing anything at all. so i have started a couple entries on wednesday, working on them piece-meal, so i can have something to post once a day. i have alot of entries in my head that i have just waiting to get out; some from months ago. so let the writing begin.
  - honestly, i haven’t been to the gym all week. my body keeps on acting up everytime i bring my gym bag with me (because i haven’t been able to wake up early enough since this whole appeal thing started; battle of the mind). my hamstring is feeling better, but then it’ll just hurt out of nowhere. my knees have been hurting on and off even though i haven’t been doing any activity and i’ve been having back spasms for the past three days. i think it’s just stress and i’m aiming to make next week better than this one.

  happy weekends everyone.
  peace.

• Pity

  Posted: July 5, 2007, 5:12 pm by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: will to love

  Main Entry: pity
  Pronunciation: ‘pi-tE
  Function: noun
  Inflected Form(s): plural pit·ies
  Etymology: Middle English pite, from Anglo-French pité, from Latin pietat-, pietas piety, pity, from pius pious

  1: sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, distressed, or unhappy
  2: implies tender or sometimes slightly contemptuous sorrow for one in misery or distress

  synonyms:
  a. compassion: implies pity coupled with an urgent desire to aid or to spare
  b. sympathy: mean the act or capacity for sharing the painful feelings of another

  i was raised to work hard. and when things don’t work or you don’t understand what’s going on, you work harder. i’m extremely self-disciplined when i need to be (but i do procrastinate). because of this, i think, it’s hard for me to ask for help when i need it. i’m really starting to see this now with the school situation i’m going through.
  one thing i can’t stand is pity, usually when people have pity for me. i can’t take it; it makes me angry. i think it’s because it hard for me to accept the feelings that comes with whatever’s going on, so when i see that portrayed by people for me, i can’t accept it. pity is connected to shame which is connected to inadequacy; it’s hard for me to let people to see the weakness in me. it’s almost like a switch; when it gets too much, i completely withdraw from the person. i avoid them, i stop talking to them.

  i’ve been talking to whm about my situation, being that we’re in the same department. in our last email correspondence, i emailed about my taxes and other issues. the last email he sent was just sympathetic, to the point where i cannot reply back. i see myself starting to do the same things i usually do; starting to pull away. i know he’s doing the best that he can with it; it’s hard trying to find a way to help someone when you don’t know how. however, people tell me that when they come to me with their problems, i always have the right mix of compassion, sympathy and advice. i can be the sympathetic one, but when the roles are reversed, it’s hard. i don’t know how to deal with this situation.

  peace.

• Picky Eater

  Posted: July 4, 2007, 9:07 pm by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity: rewind

  i think i was watching tv on night when a commercial for the local news came up. they were talking about picky eating adults. i think i must have seen this commercial for this particular story about a dozen times. everytime, there was this guy that always said, “it’s an eating disorder.” and i would keep on telling myself, “i didn’t think it was an eating disorder.”
  unlike the people’s stories from the website, when i was growing up, i wasn’t a picky eater. my parents didn’t allow me to be. of course, there were things that i refused to eat (lima beans anyone?), but then i would always get the guilt trip about ‘the starving kids in africa’, but my parents would change it to ‘my cousins in kenya’, and lamenting how they wished they airmail my food over there. so i ended up eating whatever i was given, which i think very much contributed to my overweight problem. my mom refused to buy junk food ever and we didn’t do fast food well until timon was a kid. as a teenager, i think that’s when i started to ‘rebel’ against my parents. i remember i hated the way my mom cooked fish, usually in a stew and i hated eating it. “well, why don’t you become a vegetarian then?” she snapped one day and i yelled back, “i think i will!”
  honestly, i didn’t miss meat as much as people usually do. to this day, i miss chicken sometimes. in college, my tendencies really started to come out, of course because one moves away from home and starts to experience freedom for the first time. for days on end, i would eat veggie burgers, no cheese with mustard. some days i wouldn’t eat a meal because i couldn’t decide what i wanted to eat. towards the final years, especially when i moved into the apartments and i didn’t have to have a meal plan, it really started to come out. there would be weeks i would eat nothing but fries, but then the next week i would refuse to eat them. always at the end of the semester, i had bags of food that i had to give away because i couldn’t eat them.
  at work, AW and MD say i’m the pickest eater that they ever met. i turned vegan about a year ago, which i think only help to contribute to my picky eating problem. i do have a list, even though it changes:

  - i hate soup: (it’s like wet food… *shudders*); unless i am in the mood to eat soup (usually when i’m sick), i refuse to eat it.
  - no salad: i actually used to like salad alot, but now i don’t like the lettuce; iceburg ruined it for me
  - mushroom fiend: i love mushrooms; i could eat them all day everyday and i put them in everything. i prefer them raw than cooked. i have also been told this is the only vegetable i will voluntarily eat. it’s not that i don’t like other vegetables, i just don’t eat them.
  - tomato usage: i like tomatoes, but i don’t like them on my sandwich; when i got to subway, no tomatoes. however, i do like to eat them raw and in salads (when i feel like eating those)
  - cereal 24/7: i love cereal; all day, everyday. raisin bran crunch, smart start, all bran. nothing else. but i will go a week or two without eating cereal at all.
  - ice: also known as pica, eating ice is usually associated with low iron (which is true; i am anemic). but as long as i can remember, i have always been an ice eater. i love the fact that our fridge crushes ice because i just keep buckets upon buckets in the freezer to save to eat.

  that’s just some of my ‘restrictions’ that i have. some of the problems i have with this disorder is that mostly people don’t understand. especially the ice thing; only a couple of people have actually seen me go at a bucket of ‘pre-chilled’ ice. i’m embarrassed by it. my parents are hassled because of the space that my ice buckets take. i do take my iron tablets, but then i miss that craving for ice (it’s weird, i know). sometimes when i go out to eat and i don’t see anything on the menu that i like, i won’t eat. period. people usually think i’m mad, but i think it’s because they’re uncomfortable to the fact that i’m the only one not eating. also, the amount of food that i buy that i never eat. it’s good to have a brother that will eat anything. i have popsicles and oatmeal from last season still in the kitchen. i could have the same box of cereal for two months. i know it’s a problem because i don’t have a reasonable reason to why i don’t eat certain things; i might not like the colors, the texture is all wrong, it doesn’t ‘feel’ right. usually it’s not what it tastes like.

  i recently took a personality test (i need to look up the name) and it was very on point. i’m the type of person that likes to control my external environment because i can’t control my internal environment (i.e. when i get anxious); when i get stressed or anxious, i tend to work harder, longer hours, i will do strange things like clean the bathroom in the middle of the night. i see my picky eating now as a way that i’m trying to control my external environment. my counselor says that it’s good that i’m starting to recognize these things about myself; soon i will start to see that i cannot change ‘everything’ about the external (things just happen) and i have to enjoy my life.

  i don’t know how i feel about being a picky eater. i know it’s a problem, but like some of the people in the stories that are posted, i feel that it’s something that makes me unique, who i am. i am aware of what i eat however and i try to keep it balanced as much as possible. i take multivitamins. i don’t know if how i eat will ever change.

  do you have a particular food that you hate/love to eat?

  peace.

• Keeping It (Painfully) Real

  Posted: July 2, 2007, 5:40 pm by chi

  soundtrak: clara hill :: i’m here

  - so found out within the past two weeks that i owe the state of MD about $3000 in back taxes (pleeeease don’t ask); like the stress i was going through was not enough. i managed to take care of that by the end of the week, but i have never been so broke in my entire life… i mean, just broke.
  - we dropped mom off at the airport yesterday. i am now officially ‘mom’ of the house. this is hard. on top of the stuff that i have to do, i have some other items added on my checklist.
  - so this weekend, somehow i agreed to run a 10K this october. how do i get myself in these things? i think it’ll be good for me in the long run, to help me prepare for the marathon that i plan to run october 2008. i just need to keep up with my training. running helps me to keep my mind from other things.
  - i had a little mini breakdown last week; this appeal process is stressful. i’m continually doubting myself, which is not helping me when i’m trying to write. i feel like i’m going through a mid-life crisis; hopefully i won’t have to go through one when i’m 40. i have been seeing two counselors. one of them asked me what i do for fun and i told her, “i don’t even think i remember what fun is.” it feels like everything is out of control… no, things are out of my control; i’m not driving the car and i’m trying anything in vain not to crash. these are the times where the only one i can rely on is God. i have exactly a month left to turn this appeal in. i’m working on it; just pray for me.
  - at church this weekend, i was with one of the youths that i used to work with as a youth leader. she moved away a couple of months ago, but was visiting this weekend. she graduated from high school last year and wanting to be a doctor, she’s pre-med in community college. she was telling me about her struggles, trying to find another job and dealing with financial aid. then she said, “you have really been an inspiration to me. i remember when you were in college and instead of going out on a saturday night, you would go home to study. i want to work just as hard as you work; i know i can do great things.” honestly, i was shocked. who am i to be an inspiration to someone? yet, who am i not to be? i would have never guessed that something as simple as sacrificing a saturday night to study (trust me, there have been alot of those) would and could resonate so deeply. there is always somebody watching.
  - chiiq.com updates: i have not done them yet. focusing on music, pages and more entries which i have halfway written.

  on to work.
  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes