Items by cdooh

cdohnio.blogspot.com

• A Way To Look At Slave Trade

  Posted: April 22, 2012, 6:52 pm by cdooh

  I was recently watching a stand-up comedy (the name eludes me) whereby the comedian comments on the people who make up USA and how they are the very best because of all the hardships they had to go through to get there. The Europeans were religiously prosecuted and had to cross the ocean to escape death and shit. Those of Mexican descent had to cross the border and start from nil; they were the bravest of their country. He then went on to mention how African Americans where brought into that country. They brought the strongest and biggest they could find.
  This actually triggered a thought I've had since I read about the slave trade. Now before we go on let's make it clear that slavery is wrong. That it still goes on today in various forms is one of the most shameful things that can be said of human beings. Now back in the day, a couple of centuries or less back, there were a few ways slaves were acquired. The main way was actually by buying them from Africans. This may seem weird until you think of it like this; the people being sold were mostly prisoners of war, criminals and other undesirables in society. An alternative was directly capturing people while they were about their business; this was dangerous because then the community may retaliate and also it makes it difficult to come back for more. It wasn't very sustainable. Lastly, they'd entice children with sweets; this one is the most despicable of ways in my opinion.
  Learning all this, I thought that there were two ways to look at the Africans that were left on the continent. One is that we were the weakest; the ones who felt couldn't survive the journey which took several weeks, the most useless. The last way is that we were actually the strongest, the ones selling our enemies whom we had defeated in battle. We were cleverest; we defeated the other tribes and nations after all, right? Going with the latter train of thought, it makes me feel a little better that I come from such strong stock.
  Of course, I'm from East Africa, and slaves were very rarely taken from this far. In fact when you actually look at slave trade it was mostly from Western and Northern Africa because they were unfortunate enough to be closest to America and Europe. I can't stress enough how unfortunate it was that slavery happened but since it did and there's little that can be done about it now might as well look at it from the bright side right? Peace[]!

• Open Letter To Kenyan Universities Teaching Computer Science

  Posted: April 18, 2012, 10:37 pm by cdooh

  I've been having exams recently and thus been extremely busy studying for things I should really have been practicing all semester for FML. Anyway, as always, around this time I got to complaining on exactly how we're tested on the mastery of various subjects.
  I do Computer Science at Maseno University.  Every semester we do on average 8 units. My school has a system that is like this: 30% of your grade comes from the work and C.A.Ts you do during the semester and 70% of your grade comes from the final exam you do at the end of each semester. This is how every single degree in my school is graded: Arts, Sciences and Education.
  Never mind the stupidity of having the same testing criteria for every degree; I can only talk for my course. So on to my complaint. Every semester we do a programming language. So far we've been through Pascal, C, Java and Visual Basic. My problem is that with every one of these units, the main part of my grade (70%) has come from a written exam that asked silly questions like write a program that will provide the following output***************And other such dull boring stuff. In almost every programming language, the code will look similar!! Last week, in a written test for Visual Basic, I was asked to design a form to take loan details and to name and explain 4 controls I had used to make my form. WTF???!!! It's a written exam! I had to draw!! How many different ways can I explain what the 'if-then-else loop  does'? It doesn't differ from one language to the next.
  How exactly are you going to test someone's mastery of a programming language by giving them a written exam? I mean come on, any serious programming is done on a trial and error basis. Code, run, check for errors, fix errors run again. How is me writing snippets of code 15 lines long going to prove that I really can code? Or even explaining what key phrases mean?
  I'm not an educator but I think the best way to teach coding is by actually having the student work on a project that'll be a big part of his grade, or even weekly assignments that test and build on concepts learnt in class. The way we're doing it now isn't working for me. Maybe I'm just bright, I am, but I don't feel like I'm learning enough and I'm doing Computer Science because all I want to do with my life is code
  So let's call this an open letter to Kenyan Universities teaching Computer Science. There's got to be a better way, a more effective way. Anyway I'm going to go out and try to learn these things by myself. No, I'm not talking about reading from books (though that will help), I'm now looking for internship at a company or with someone who actually designs real programs, code that I can manipulate and play with. I'm making an open call to all my readers, if you know such a person or company, in Kenya preferably, email me (check the contact me page) or tweet me. I'll really appreciate it. Peace!!

• Kenyan Government Wants to Play Big Brother

  Posted: April 16, 2012, 10:24 pm by cdooh

  So last week I was reading my blog feed and came across this startling news in the Business Daily: Policy target internet cafes on war on cyber-crime. Reading the article revealed some rather disturbing details.  
  Apparently the Kenya Police in an effort to combat cyber-crime, you know: hacking, copyright and IP theft; wants to make it that every time you use a computer to access the internet at an internet cafe your details are logged. While it wasn't exactly clear what details they'll be collecting, they did mention ID numbers and time. They want to do this so that they can tie people to specific computers if they use them to commit a crime.*snorts*
  And where was this proposal made?  At the parliamentary committee on education's hearing on the more than 1,700 cases of cheating reported in our O level exams last year. 1,700 cases. Wow!! Out of the almost 400,000 people who did the exam that translates to 0.425% cheating rate. Not too bad considering that in some countries it's much higher (nonscientific Google research). The article mentions the conviction of one person based on the fact that he used SMS. Wait a minute? How this is relevant to cyber-crime and registering who uses a computer is beyond me. Never mind that not once anywhere is it mentioned that any of the 1,700 cases was because someone used a computer to distribute the papers.
  Now seeing that there was only one conviction based on evidence from sim card registration shows that either one person out of those 1,700 cheated using SMS or that out of the 1,700 they could only convict one which is a success rate of 0.06% or maybe and this is more likely that the other 1699 cheated by other means. Let's think about the other possible means. One could have written the answers on a piece of paper, what we in Kenya call "mwakenya" , the next proposal will be that every time a student  or anyone is buying paper they'll be required to leave their ID details at the till? Or perhaps when buying a pen?
  Now these are obvious hyperboles, but so is this proposal!! I don't trust the government with my data! I don't know what they'll be using it for. I may end up a suspect just because every time I'm on the net I research bomb making technics. Combine this with the fact that the Communications Commission of Kenya, a group I already feel have no spine,  wants to use 36 million of my money(taxpayer) to install a system on all our nation's ISPs to perform deep packet inspection (they want to be able to read your email, FB messages and generally see whatever the fuck you're doing on the net) in the name of cyber security, never mind almost all the websites hacked in the last year were hacked from outside our borders, I feel that our online privacy is now effectively under attack from a government that is over-reacting to a non-existent threats. Read about this CCK deep packet inspection system here.
  I feel our nation's resources and time would be better spent building and finding ways to ensure there's better protection on our mission critical and sensitive systems and educating companies on how best to protect their online infrastructure and data rather than wasting time and money on spying and violating the privacy right of it citizens.
  I'd like to remind everyone that these same people whose websites were hacked twice because they had the user name as "admin" -or was it "user"- and the password as "12345"(No really!! I'm not fucking with you). Clearly these people know jack shit about cyber-security!! Peace!

• Guest Post: The Cost of Relationships

  Posted: March 7, 2012, 3:49 pm by cdooh

  Everyone once in a while, I get an e-mail from another blogger asking if they could write a piece for my blog. Usually I'd ignore them because their e-mail seemed spamming or batch sent. However, I got an email from someone called Imogen Reed, asking if she could write something for me. The thing I like about it was that it seems as if she took the time to write it herself. Anyway after exchanging a few emails about exactly what I'd like for my blog she sent me this story that I now present to you, enjoy...
  
  Everyone once in a while, I get an e-mail from another blogger asking if they could write a piece for my blog. Usually I'd ignore them because their e-mail seemed spamming or batch sent. However, I got an email from someone called Imogen Reed, asking if she could write something for me. The thing I like about it was that it seems as if she took the time to write it herself. Anyway after exchanging a few emails about exactly what I'd like for my blog she sent me this story that I now present to you, enjoy...
  
  Time is Priceless
  5 years ago today, I broke up with my first long-term partner. Had we remained together for another 28 days, we would have been celebrating our 5th anniversary. Our break up wasn’t conventional by any standards; we had, what others presumed to be, the “perfect” relationship, so when we finally
  announced we were parting ways, there was a torrent of phone calls and emails from confused close friends and distraught parents asking us only, “why?”
  
  
  The thing is, there wasn’t one exact reason why we decided to split our apparently happy union, it was a number of issues that had developed and brewed behind closed doors for a number of years. When I think back, one of the hardest aspects to deal with when we finally decided to split, was the
  effect it had on our friends and family, their denial of the circumstances, their inability to understand that we were no longer a “we” but separate entities in our own right.
  
  It’s hard to explain to those in your life whom love you, that sometimes just because something seems perfect, it conversely may not be right. This is the paradox of emotions we had to dissect and divulge. 
  
  Love and Freedom
  We had met at college, and the first time we ever spoke we immediately hit it off. Music and great literature spoke to us beyond anything else, and we shared the same tastes in almost everything. We found ourselves a little spooked by the coincidences we shared in our lives. After two weeks of
  chatting at lunch and emailing each other funny little stories about our lives, we decided to make our relationship official, much to the joy of our respective friends. They somehow knew we were going to be a couple eventually.
  
  The first 3 years we shared together were blissful; we had spent every second of our spare time between lectures together, and we would arrange dates to the cinema and concerts several times a week, if money allowed. Everything seemed so perfect, even to us, until college ended, and real
  life began.
  
  I decided to work for myself as a photographer. I had always been obsessed with photography since being a child, people knew me by the camera slung over my shoulder, it was almost like an extra body part, and was always with me.
  
  Working as a photographer allowed me the chance to really express myself artistically, however in terms of money, it just wasn’t enough to pay the rent.
  
  Growing Up in Love and Life
  We knew that ultimately, our quirky and artistic life style would have to come to an end, only 6 months after graduation. My partner had been working in a bar, I doing my photography, and if it were not for money, let’s say there’s a possibility we’d still be together today.
  
  He was striking to look at, mysterious and dark in both his features and attitude, but what really hit me about him all those years ago was his tenacity, his confidence and his intelligence. Although his job at the bar was fun and easy going, he knew he was capable of a real career far more lucrative and productive than serving friendly drunks late-night beers.
  
  Using all those talents I first fell in love with, he took it upon himself to find a “real” job to support us. It didn’t take him long, within 1 month of collating his art work in to a portfolio, he had attained himself a well paid position in a marketing company, designing graphics for various clients. At the time this seemed to be the solution to all our problems, yet it was only the start.
  
  Promotional Problems
  Before long he was promoted to head of his department, and with this new position came a wage increase, and obviously, more responsibility. We always imagined his new career and wage would give us the freedom to spend more time together doing the things we really loved, but we were so wrong.
  
  His position entailed travel, long haul, from everywhere including China and Europe. The more ingratiated he became with his colleagues and the world of work, the less we saw of each other. Some weeks he would be traveling for the majority of the time, and with my inconvenient and
  sometimes unsociable hours working as a photographer, there would be days where we would experience nothing more than a fleeting kiss on the stairs before we both headed off for work in the morning.
  
  One year in to his new career, we worked out we had barely shared 10 whole weekends together in all that time, and we realized that our futures were heading in very different directions.
  
  Out of the blue, one frostly and dark morning, he took me hurriedly to one side, just as I was desperately trying to force my shoes on to my feet, late for the bus to work.
  
  “I’m going to be thirty this year you know. I always said I’d have children by the time I was thirty.”
  
  I just stared at him blankly, as I immediately understood the subtext to this apparently off-the-cuff comment. His work had taken over his life so much, and he’d obviously been spending all those redundant hours flying across the globe really questioning what his future had in store for him.
  
  However, we both knew when he uttered his confession about fatherhood that our relationship wasn’t fit for children. He was 5 years my senior, and no matter how strong his desire for children, he knew that emotionally, neither of us were in the position to care for a baby. His career was still
  taking off, as was my photography business, adding to this the fact that we had hardly spent a day together for over a year, a baby was out of the question.
  
  Is Love Truly Free?
  It was at this point that it all fell apart. It was futile to continue on as a couple, as we were living the life style of mere roommates, and nothing more.
  
  We amicably separated, and made the phone calls to all those whom needed to know. Granted, we shared tears and sighs, and even laughed together about the wonderful times we had shared, but we knew deep down it was time to say goodbye.
  
  In retrospect, I guess there could have been a way for us to stay united all those years ago, but we decided to concentrate on gaining a life style we felt pressured to obtain. We were lead to believe that to be together and be happy, we needed money, a car and a nice place to live, yet aspiring
  for these material gains just left us emotionally bereft. We could have thrown ourself into the business of balancing credit card transfers to find a way through but this just wasn't our style.
  
  Sometimes in life, you need to question what really is more important; money, which surely allows you the freedom to acquire the things you think you need, or time, which is unequivocally priceless.
  
  

• A Real man

  Posted: February 23, 2012, 12:41 pm by cdooh

  A little wisdom from my mum this morning:
  "The difference between a man and a male is the position and development of his reproductive organ. Whereas a man's organ grows between his ears, a male's grows between his legs!"- Rev Chris Atemo

  This makes sense on so many levels I was totally blown away!!! My mum has such deep insights, don't you think? Peace

• The One That Got Away Pt 2

  Posted: February 20, 2012, 4:54 pm by cdooh

  So today I read something I wrote a long time ago about a girl I used to like. I don't know why, but it made me want to write something else, something more. If you have not read this post then there's no point on reading this. Go read it first (preferably) so you know where this is coming from.
  
  So anyway, I was thinking about the situation with Belinda and how things progressed from there. Remember I had said that I would try to repair my friendship with Belinda? Taking back to the levels of closeness we once enjoyed? Well this is kind of a status report.
  
  I can tell you that things are not good! In fact if I was to get a grade it'd be F--! I don't know why. Well, actually, I do. Its because I really don't give a damn. I've let it deteriorate, decline, slip, slide, worsen, go downhill, regress, retrogress; go to rack and ruin, waste away or weaken (Yes I know all these words but I used a thesaurus) and I could care less.
  
  So why is that I don't care? I don't know. I wish I did and I realise that it can't be healthy at all to think like this. I know what it'd take though to accomplish it. It could start with me calling her, finding out what she's been up to, telling her how much I missed her and that we should hang out. She'd probably ask almost the same things that I asked her. After this call I'd probably wait two or three days and call her again and ask her when we could hang out.
  
  I could do all this but I won't I'm at a point where chasing girls I had crashes on doesn't matter nearly as much as it did. I look at it like this: friendship is a two way street. I can't I won't be the only one struggling to repair something that takes two people to maintain. It's not fair to me and I won't subject myself to that. Not any more. Peace!!!

• Really Airtel, Really?

  Posted: February 17, 2012, 9:16 pm by cdooh

  I've been with Airtel for several years now throughout its various naming changing metamorphosis. Nonetheless, I started out with Safaricom, like most people probably, but I left them some six years ago when I lost my line and they refused to replace it because I didn't have the sim case thing.
  Airtel has always had some of the most competitive rates in the market and usually are the first with the implementation of game changing offers. I've stuck with them despite the fact that I've been waiting for proper 3G for almost as long as I've been with them and also that everyone is on mpesa and you're not.
  I've committed myself to their network regardless of the fact that everyone I know is on Safaricom and they don’t call or text me as much as they would were I a Safaricom subscriber. I have also turned a blind eye to those irritating promotional calls in which they play you a musical advert; I mean I'm already on your network I don't want to hear your adverts!!!
  However, today Airtel have taken advantage of my generosity for the last time.
  I got a call from a strange number, +254786824711, and heard one of their promotional offers. This time around I chose not to hang up immediately because I was a little bit intrigued by what the ‘caller’ said. I was informed that I've been added to a promotional offer where I get one free week of Airtel Ngoma service for my line.
  For those of you who don't know, Airtel Ngoma is a service where you can let callers listen to a certain song of your choice while they wait for you to pick up. I hate it! I find it disorienting whenever I encounter it and to add insult to injury, the sound quality is just pathetic! So of course I've never let my callers suffer through that torture.
  This offer, however, I was soon to learn was not easily opt outable :). Also I had no choice in the music playing for my callers. I carefully listened to the call to hear how to opt out. Thank God I didn't hang up.
  
  I had a friend call my phone to see if it was true...it was.
  
  Calling the number to opt out, which was a long convoluted process of 'If you want to...press…' At some point I was politely informed that the call would cost me Sh. 2 per minute... Umm, wait, what?
  After I finally got to the opting out option (ever notice how the option you want is always the last one) 'Press 9 if you want to cancel Airtel Ngoma... press 1 to confirm you want to...' I hang up and my bill for the call was presented to me.
  I was livid! These guys first of all are calling me without my permission to offer me stuff I don't want, They put me in an offer I didn't ask for, want or was remotely interested and then charge me for the privilage of opting out????!!!!! Where do they get of doing this to me? Is it even legal? It's totally BS!!
  I'm sure the money they charged for the call wasn't so much but it's the principle. I can't be paying to get out of something I didn't ask for. See, if I had asked for it perhaps I wouldn't be so mad but I didn't, they never asked and I've never indicated anywhere I like it. How dare they.
  I'm mad!! Not mad enough to leave Airtel but close enough!! One more stunt like this and I'm gone!! For good. On that note, I hate all the spam messages they send me. Perhaps if someone from Airtel is reading they can note: if it isn't an internet offer I don't want to hear about it. Let me go get my hair done and try to calm down. Peace!!!

• Making Love or Just Plain Fucking?

  Posted: February 11, 2012, 5:52 pm by cdooh

  So my editor has guilted me in to writing something, he sent me an email talking about lazying about; I replied that as the "talent" I could tell him to jump off a bridge and he said whatever rocks my boat.
  
  He has the unique ability to make me feel guilty for doing something wrong and that's why I'm glad he wanted to work with me. So I'm writing this post to make sure he doesn't quit on me. I'm also doing it directly from my phone, something I haven't doing in forever.
  
  The other day I was walking with two of my girlfriends and the conversation turned to sex, as it's wont to do every so often when on campus, and they talked; I was just walked along listening and smiling, as they went on about weird and awesome places to have sex.
  
  Pools, planes, the beach, public bathrooms and of course cars were mentioned. When we got to cars, one said something that I found fascinating; she asked us if we ever had fucked in a car! I said no, Sally, my other friend, said yeah. Sally then said that you have to be careful not to shake the car too much or you may get caught. However, Eva was of the opinion that if the car isn't shaking, then you aren't fucking, you're making love.
  
  We laughed out loud for several minutes but it really got me thinking about the difference between making love and fucking/having sex/shagging. According to these girls no holds barred, rock the bed, wake the neighbours up sex is fucking while the gentler, slower more sensual rocking together is making love.
  
  I don't know, I don't think I'm experienced enough to tell the difference. Okay that sounds bad, like I don't have sex...*sigh* Anyway I don't know and have never really thought about it. What do y'all think? Sound out in the comments, or just tell us of your own experience, anonymously if you like;) Peace!!

• Blog Milestones So Far

  Posted: February 3, 2012, 8:54 pm by cdooh

  I'd like to apologise for not posting yesterday; I was in such a lazy mood I didn't leave my room (or bed) the whole day. It was spent just watching a bunch of series and movies my roommate recently gave me, so obviously I was too "busy" to do much else. Anyway, I've spent most of the day thinking about what I wanted to post and only just now it hit me; my blogger milestones so far. You guys already know why I started blogging (if you don't know click on the link). I think I've achieved most of what I set out to achieve with this blog. However, there have been some particularly high moments, and that I want to share with you.
  
  When I began to blog, I first wrote something about the iPad. At that time, I felt it could be improved; clearly I didn't know shit about what I was saying!! After that, I never wrote about technology again. It's not that I was wrong - a bunch of people far more talented and experienced than me were wrong about it - it's just that I never got particularly excited about any other tech to warrant mentioning (someone buy me a tablet, please?). I moved on to more personal posts, and I've not looked back. Perhaps I should do a post on Photonessa and Bumblebee - my phone and laptop.
  
  Another milestone would be my very first comment; that gave me a heady feeling. It's like someone not merely dropped by, but thought enough of your post to write something about it. That's how I felt until I actually saw the comment
        "Young Kenyan boy this was below your potential please never put this kind of post on a blog if you want followers" I was down but I responded well
       "Why? The blog is called "Random Thoughts…" these are my random thoughts!!" They were anonymous so they probably never saw it.
  
  Next was placing fifth in a blogging competition for Kenyans. I must admit though I heavily rigged for myself, to a point, but it was still a good feeling to place so highly among other more experienced bloggers. I think also in this category comes things like getting one of my posts in the newspaper (through another blogger), because it was one of the reasons I started blogging. Unfortunately the post was completely plagiarized without any attribution, I wrote about it here but at the time I wasn't too bummed about that. Also, being nominated for story of the month on the StoryMoja blog was a good moment.
  
  I'd also like to appreciate getting regular(ish) commenters. Here I'd like to point out two people in particular: @joliea and @sgyreju. @joliea deserves mention because she was the most frequent commenter in the early days of this blog. Every post I put up I could be sure that she'd be there to say something even if it was just "Good post!!!" or "I liked this". For that I'm so eternally grateful. @joliea has since disappeared from the online scene but I'm sure she still comes by regularly. If you're reading this @joliea I miss you awfully. These days, @sgyreju is the most consistent commenter. She may not comment on every post, but when she does you can be sure it'll be profound and insightful. That makes me happy.
  
  Lastly, a special mention to all those I've meet and become friends with because of this blog. It's one of the most amazing things about the blog it's expanded my horizons to places and people I'll never have met without it. Of the top of my head I can think of @surerogers, @chiira, @i_am_feisty, @randomshing, @joliea, @buggz79 and of course @savvykenya. Savvy is the real reason I started blogging. You could call her my mentor; she's has given me a lot of advice on blogging and being online. I wrote about meeting her here.
  Someone once said I have a crash on her because of how I talk about here, and they may be right ;). Her blog is want I want mine to be like when it grows up. Yeah she's awesome.
  
  Those are the most defining moments I can think of. Of course this should only be the beginning; you know bigger things for the future and stuff. I think the next thing would be to make money of this blog, right? Thank you all for coming back every post. Peace!!!

• Welcoming My Editor

  Posted: January 31, 2012, 8:37 pm by cdooh

  Yes, my little blog now has an editor if you can imagine. I like to think of it as a sign of the growing popularity of my work; but in reality it's probably the result of the frustration of one of my readers at my atrocious grammar and spelling. The problem is, I can never proof read my work once I've written my first draft and I don't pay attention to the intricacy of grammar and what not when I'm writing.
  Before I introduce you to my editor, let me show you a snippet of the conversation that leads to his hiring; it happened on twitter: 
  Him: I want to be your editor
  Me: Editor how? #interested
  Him: Editor to your blog. Let's face it my grammar is way better than yours but you have better ideas than mine.
  So without further ado let me introduce you to my editor!! @furry_kid (his twitter handle)!!!!! He comes to us from his own blog, called ummm… it doesn't matter anymore, he's with us now. He's an avid reader, video game enthusiast and one of my best friends (I should do a post about him soon). Wait, I've remembered the name to his blog, it's called My Beautiful Words.
  Weird he should name it that, considering there's little beauty about his words J. Okay I'm kidding; but he did mention that my ideas were better than his (I loved that part the most)!!!! I'm going to think of him as my first employee ever (he'll hate that *evil laughter*). He'll be responsible for making sure that everything that appears on the blog, and in my name elsewhere, is proper: proper English, correct grammar and correct syntax. So if you see any errors in any posts henceforth, let me know so I can have a good reason to blast him!!
  Finally, someone be a dear and leave a comment here welcoming @furry_kid. I'd really appreciate it! One last thing, my grammar and spelling isn't that bad, is it? Peace!!!!

• Testing Friendship

  Posted: January 30, 2012, 2:44 pm by cdooh

  I was feeling extremely shitty yesterday so I didn't put up a post; I actually thought I had gotten malaria but I'm feeling better now. Also, the heat around here was oppressive. There was no escape! It was so hot that even drinking cold water wasn't helping. Of course with the heat comes dust because most of the roads here are just murram; my shoes can't stay clean longer than 30 seconds.:(
  
  Enough about my weather woes and on to today's post. It won't be a long post because I really don't have much to say. I think I may be about to get into one of my broody moods. When I get into those, I spend hours on my own thinking about whatever it was that got me in that mood. It can't be very healthy because usually the conclusions I come to are depressing.
  
  Like this mood that's been hanging over me is about friendship. I've been contemplating about the people I call my friends and whether the sacrifices I'd make for them would be reciprocated. And how would you test it? How would you know? At what point do you call someone a friend? If you have to test it then it isn't truly a friendship because you don't trust them, is it?
  
  I once read somewhere that you can count as friends those people you can call past midnight when in trouble and they'll get out of bed to help. I think that it's a very solid test, don't you? I've only ever been in such a situation once, of course. I had just dropped another friend of mine at her room after an extremely rowdy session of drinking in my room. I was drunk and on a whim called another friend of mine who lived in a nearby building. It must have been 12.30am. She came and kept me company in the cold for almost two hours mostly listening to me (I'm talkative when drunk). Yeah, she's a true friend.
  
  So how do you decide who you call a friend? At which point, for you, does someone move from acquaintance to friend? Let me know in the comments or by email. Peace!!!

• Why I got in...a relationship post

  Posted: January 27, 2012, 9:59 am by cdooh

  I just came to the end of the longest relationship (of the romantic kind) I've had so far. I could never claim to be experienced in relationships; I mean this was only the third serious relationship I had ever been in. It lasted exactly six months, one week and two days. Wow! That's a long time for someone my age.
  
  There's a lot that I had wanted to write about while in the relationship but I felt it would better for it to end before I could start putting them online. While my girlfriend never knew of my blog, I felt it would be disrespectful to the relationship to put such things in the public domain.
  
  However, I have got no problem with doing it now. So that's what I'll be doing for the next few posts, if I can, dissecting and writing about my experience in the relationship. I'll trying to write them as a block of continuous posts but that may not be possible. The post will be mostly in narrative form and probably pointless but I hope you'll, at the very least, be entertained. They may also be sparsely populated with advice (which you should write down and memorise because they'll be GOLD - yes, I'm blowing my own horn)
  
  This first post will be about why I got into the relationship. With the benefit of hind sight I now can clearly see why I got into the relationship. Some of the reasons I had at the time were clearly wrong and I was just fooling myself. There were also reasons that were buried in my subconscious that I only really discovered later.
  
  So, as always, some background. I had gone to see my really good friend called Holly. Holly is one of my closest girlfriends. I've known her almost since I was 8 years old. We grew up together. From hide and seek, to kissing and sex; we've been together through most of it. So while I was there I told her of this girl, who I'll call Fanta, I was currently talking to a lot and who probably had feelings for me but I wasn't acting on them; I've got commitment issues. She asked me why not and at the time I couldn't really say I had a very convincing argument except I was scared. Then she asked me as simple question "Why not?"
  
  Leaving her place later, I kept thinking of that question and when I got home I called Fanta and asked her out.
  
  So you see the first reason in that background story? My friend. I let her talk me into the relationship which was a big mistake. You don't enter relationships because your friends talk you into them. I think this is a mistake many of us make. In my last relationships, while I may have had doubts, I overcame them on my own and got into the relationship because of my own conviction. I'm not saying ignore your friends' advice, nah, they usually notice a lot you wouldn't, what I'm saying is don't let it be a major reason especially if you hadn't been about to do it yourself.
  Also at the time I thought I had feelings for her. I didn't. What I had was the hope, or feeling, that emotions would develop once in the relationship. I didn't realize this until sometime into the relationship and I was asking myself, "Where are the feelings?" and then later, "Why haven't they come?" What I know now is that what I thought were feelings were actually me just loving the fact that I had someone (new?) to talk to who would listen to my bull. I should have, you too, examined my feelings much closer. This was my biggest mistake.
  
  My parents have been separated for almost five years now. I've recently just realized just how much that affected me. I've become steadily more introverted. I could no longer - maybe didn't want to - put effort in relationships (of any kind) except those that I had the deepest connections to and who were connected to me. Several of my old friendships are no more. I think subconsciously getting in to the relationship was a way for me to get out of a rut. A way to prove to myself I still had it. That the extrovert hadn't died within me. That I could still charm and get a girl. It may have worked. But it makes me kinda sad that Fanta may have gotten hurt for it to happen.
  
  Finally I felt that it could be fun and interesting experience. One of these things it was. I learnt a lot about myself during it. These are solid reasons to get into a relationship at my age, in my opinion. You need to experience life and everything that comes with comes with it. Don't limit yourself because you're frightened that only comes with regret. So go out and make your own mistakes.
  By the way, I was thinking that I'll have the titles of all future posts about my relationship have it mentioned in the title, like this one. What do think? What have you learnt in your most recent relationships? Let me know in the comments or email me, 'kay? Peace!!!

• The difference between best friend and best pal

  Posted: January 26, 2012, 3:19 pm by cdooh

  Hey everyone!! Miss me much? A little then? No? How's the first month of the year coming along for you? I trust that the year is coming along well. My holiday is over and I'm back on campus. The place is as dusty as fuck so my allergies are attacking up otherwise I'm feeling extremely good about this semester and everything I'll be doing during it. Oh and I just came out of my longest relationship yet, it lasted 6months, 1 week and 2 days, and I'm feeling quite relieved. More on that in other posts.

  So I've received a few responses on the post I did about superstitions from my childhood. One person said they don't really have superstitions but just fears. Another mentioned something about now knowing exactly how she'll freak me out using them. However one thing that most people have been asking about is the part in the post where I say there's a difference between a best pal and best friend. Weird. That's what I want to clarify what exactly each meant at that time/age.

  When you're younger most of time, if you're in a day school, and almost everyone in our hood was, is spent at home in your hood. Our hood had flats consists of 5 floors running from block A to J each with 10 houses. It was a massive complex with lots of space for us to play on. It wasn't like the flats we have these days that don't even have a space for football. Anyway my hood, called Zamsure Gardens, had a lot of kids I could play with of all ages.

  Since most of my time was spent with these kids. I made several great friends who I still keep in touch with even today but there was one in particular whose name, ironically, I can't quite remember I was particularly close to. We were about the same age and of complimentary personalities. We like the same things and loved playing together (pretending to be Power Rangers, I was always blue, him red). He was my best pal.

  Even as kids we realized that our lives couldn't revolve around the hood forever, we'd grow up and probably apart. More than that there was always the very high possibility that your family would move out and you'd lose touch and never see each other again. A best pal was local. It was understood that if you left the hood for good that title would pass on to someone else within the hood.

  A best friend was different because this was someone outside the hood. That meant that your parents were friends already and so no matter where they were you could easily go visit them and keeping in contact- through your parents- would be easy or rather possible.

  Don't get me wrong neither was more important than the other, then anyway, it's just that we both had best friends outside the hood and realized that our friendship may last not because we weren't committed but because our continued friendship depended on factors beyond our control. In those days there were no cell phones or emails or Facebook or twitter…

  Now I'm missing him. Peace!!!!

• Girls with small hands

  Posted: December 28, 2011, 7:41 pm by cdooh

  I'm at Java with a couple of my girlfriends and one's just told me that dudes like chics with small hands. Why? Because it makes our dicks look bigger when she's holding it.. :-D

  I don't know, I'm just greatful I managed to get her to put her hands there.;) Peace!!

• What I learnt at a funeral

  Posted: December 23, 2011, 10:45 pm by cdooh

  Again I skipped a day. Not good. I'm actually forcing myself to sit down and write something before another day gets away from me. The excuse this time is that I got home really late yesterday and was exhausted!! I spent the whole day with my mum at a funeral service. I didn't know the guy who was being buried personally but I had meet him before. He died in a car crash.

  The guy was really young to be leaving the earth already, he was just 40. He left behind a wife and 3 kids aged 13, 10 and 7 I think. The turnout for his funeral was impressive he's family, friends and colleagues. He was general manager of distribution of his company and the board of directors were there and the CEO who flew in from UK. He had worked for one company all his working life, 16 years. He will be sorely missed by many.

  What really hit me first was how young he was. Second was that he had lived his life to the fullest; he made time for his family, extended included, friends and work. He was even patron of a hockey team. He did all this and more and managed to touch the lives of everyone around me. As he was described he sounded like the type of man I'd want to be in future, someone to emulate, a rolemodel.

  I don't know but he's death was like a wakeup call for me. Life's too short not to try doing your very best at it. To exist in this world for a short sliver of time is all we really have therefore we must do our very best to touch as many souls as possible while we here and only through that might our influence live on. Peace.

• Living in your imagination

  Posted: December 21, 2011, 5:33 pm by cdooh

  I didn't put up a post yesterday, and I apologise for that, I'll try put up two posts today to make up for it, but no promises. So yesterday I was watching Penguins of Madagascar with my baby sis, an excellent animation for all ages, and when I left her there then went to take a shower I suddenly recalled an episode about a wishing well that would grant anyone who threw in a coin a wish. I thought to myself how come that such things never go the way the penguins want? In this particular episode the whole zoo discovered about the wishing well and then things just went wrong from there. Of course in the end things got back to normal at the end of the episode. I then reminded myself that it was just a cartoon and wasn't really but in that moment I felt what I was thinking was real.

  After that I began to think of all the times my imagination went off in its own in such a manner. What I mean here is flights of fancy and not delusion. Delusion is dangerous, fancy is more fun. So here we go

  I remember once my best pal (not to be confused with best friend) at the time and I had got it into our mind that under a certain concert slab in our neighbourhood was a secret lab akin to Dexter's in the cartoon Dexter's Lab. We thought we'd find chemicals that would give us super powers. We spent hours discussing what we'd invent when we finally got into the lab. We dug round the slab for days. And when we finally got underneath the slab just what we found? A water pump. Funny thing is we weren't disappointed, well not too much anyway.

  Another time there before we knew how exactly the currency markets work we thought the world of the British pound. We had heard it was the most valuable currency in the world but the person who mentioned it failed to let us know just how valuable so we thought with a single pound you could buy anything you could desire. We spent a good amount of time thinking of all the things we'd buy if we had just one pound.

  I have several more memories of flights of fancy I've heard. A place we called the bush that we thought had wild animals and was dangerous to go into alone that was really just an undeveloped part of our hood. Recreating one of raps biggest beefs, Eastside and Westside, I was from the Westside and we had several wars between the sides.

  Curiously the fancies that came to me when I thought about it were all from my early childhood. It's like when you grow older you become less imaginative and boring. You say to yourself that what you're imagining could never be. Or that it's stupid. But when you really think about it such flight of fancy bring so much happiness to life, I know they did for me anyway. I mean it never really disappointed us too much when our fancy were proven wrong, we took it in stride. I guess that's what adult fear most when they begin to imagine something, that they won't be able to take the disappointment when the fancy proves impossible. I know I've been guilt of this fear but I say to you how will you ever know your limits if you don't dream beyond them? Peace!!

• Stupid Matatu Strike!!! Or why cdooh needs a car...

  Posted: December 19, 2011, 2:16 pm by cdooh

  So it's about 10.30 in the morning and I'm only just sitting up in bed to write this quick post. The first I usually do when I wake up in the morning is grab my phone and check what's up online, you know twitter, fb and my blog feeds. I usually do this from underneath the bed covers especially on a day like today when I'm not really in a rush to go anywhere.

  So a few thing's hit me this morning. First North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-il, has died of heart related complications. A sad day for that country and the entire neighbouring region as well. It's sad for the country because that it has lost its leader, the visible head and voice of the country. Of course he didn't run every single detail by himself but the way I've heard it told he was very powerful, clever and ruthless. I'm sure his people will mourn deeply for him. It's a sad day for the region because without him no one is entirely sure what happens to North Korean. His son, Kim Jong-un, is supposed to take over but who knows how that politics of that secretive nation will play out? Also this means that control of the country's nukes is up in the air and no one knows what the next leader will do to demonstrate his strength to his people and the world. South Korea and Japan are on high alert.

  The other thing that hit me, that has a very direct effect on my life is that our public service vehicles are striking. Apparently they're doing this because of the continuing rise in the cost of everything. They want to blackmail the government in to regulating the cost of petroleum downwards and this will have a trickledown effect on the rest of the economy. Away from the dangers of having the government regulating things and whether this will work or not, do these striking idiots realize just how much they're putting me at a disadvantage?

  Now I'm still young enough that most of my costs are covered by my parents so the state of the economy does not have a direct impact on me until it gets so bad I don't see my next meal on the table or can't go to school. But this strike…I've only just gotten to Nairobi city. I have a bunch of people I want to see before I have to go back to the country house. The only way available to me currently is by public means. This strike means that I'll be stuck at home. All the plans I had already made will have to be cancelled!! Also it means that I'll be dying of boredom as soon as afternoon reaches!

  What do these strikers think they're doing messing up my holiday? They need to get back on the road so I can have the means to get where I need to go!! I mean now I can't go get that slushy I've been dreaming about for the last 5 months. I can't go shopping for the shoes I promised my brother. And by far the worst thing you guys are doing is keeping me from going to see my mother!!! That above puts me in such a temper.

  I don't need to remind anyone that the people they're hoping to blackmail with this action all have tinted vehicles and their kids have drivers to take them around, they don't care about you!! After all when was the last time industrial action with such vague demands work? When I get a car you can go back to striking all you want I won't need or care about you then. But for now GET BACK TO WORK, IDIOTS!!!! Peace.

• Random Sunday Post

  Posted: December 18, 2011, 12:36 am by cdooh

  I didn't put up a post yesterday, I was lazy and it was Sabbath, so I guess I can say it was a resting day but I'm back today. I don't know what I'm going to write about because I'm totally blank. Today we were travelling from our country house (shags) and back to the city house for a few days. I, however, will be staying on to spend some time with my mum and my friends.

  I'll glad to be back in the city because it's been over 5 months since I was last here and I've missed all my friends, my sisters and most of all my mother. It is been way too long. Having to go to school so far can be a major disadvantage because you're so far from the people you're so used to having near.

  In other news, I had the most awesome dream in the morning today. It involved a white redhead model selling airtime, me, her hands and our lips. Of course mere words can't describe the epicness of this dream or how this girl inflamed my passion. So I won't even try. But I will say this I didn't finish the dream because I was dozing in the sitting room and couldn't have stuff "coming up", could I?:-D Peace!!!

• Superstitions from my childhood

  Posted: December 16, 2011, 7:33 pm by cdooh

  I figured out what today's post will be about. My childhood superstitions!!! I lived in Zambia for most of my early childhood, 10 years to be exact so these are mostly from there. Recently I was about to about to go under a hanging cable and a thought came to my head, "DON'T DO THAT!! You'll never grow you'll if you do!!" I was shocked and amused that I would still have such thoughts at my age. I used to believe this so very vehemently when I was a child (I still am a child but then I was like 8 or younger). The superstition was that if you went under something you stopped growing from then on.
  
  So how do you counter this? I mean you can't really avoid going underneath things if you actually want to live a normal life, right? Well the trick was to go back under the thing from the direction you exited it from. Ridiculous, right? WRONG!!!! I remember a time in my life I spent keeping track of all the things I went under!! I was always frightened of remaining short while my friends went past me.
  
  If you want a put a curse on yourself or someone else just write your name or the other's outside and a witch will come do it for you. It was more dangerous though doing your own name. It has to be in a way that can't be deleted easily. This is one I'm not sure that I'm entirely free of. Let me explain why.
  
  I had a friend, a guy who was a little old than me at the time. He's name was written in concrete somewhere in our hood (It was a really big gated community) and we all joked about how he'd be cursed. Suddenly (at least to us) he started falling really sick and weakly. His mum fell sick and died. And he moved away from our hood. I never did find out what happened to him, in those day cell phone where the size of bricks and could only be bought by the super-rich. I hope he's okay though and thing become better for him. Because of him I rarely write my name in public places.
  
  Finally almost every culture has a superstition to do with black cats. I'm not sure why, perhaps because of their colour and the fact that all cats can look at you in a way that makes you feel they're scrutinizing your soul. Also in our hood they all seemed to appear at night. Anyway we believed that black all black cats where witches that had turned in to animals so that they can curse their victims. Why they needed to cats to do this we never questions just believed. So how exactly do you get cursed?
  
  They have to go in between your legs after which you'd have like a week to leave because all bad luck would fall on you soon. I remember we'd walk around with our legs tightly pressed together when we saw a black cat. You couldn't hit them or try to chase them away because that would just be tempting fate. I never did see a cat try to dash under someone's legs but we never gave them a chance!
  
  Well there you have it, 3 superstitions I still have with me, always in the back of my head. Of course most superstitions are hogwash but that never stopped anyone from believing something, did it? What superstitions do you still (or used to) believe in? I'd love to hear about them, e-mail me or comment below. I may make a follow up post of them. By the way have to ever wonder why people say "Bless you" when you sneeze? Well it's because it was believed sneezes where violent enough to remove your soul from your body and it needed to be blessed back in. Amazing huh? Peace!!!

• My stepmother: what we think of her

  Posted: December 16, 2011, 3:05 am by cdooh

  If you're a regular reader of this blog you should already know that my parents split about 5 years ago. I don't really want to get in to the details of what happened and how I felt in this post. But I do want to talk about something that was a result of that separation: my step mother.

  I met her first while in boring school and my dad came to visit me with her. I remember wondering who she was and what she was doing with my dad but I was afraid to ask because I feared to find out the answer(I was, still am, afraid of my father and I didn't want to know that my parents were over). While I mauled (Is this correctly used?) over it latter during evening preps I wondered if it was he clande/mistress.*Anyone else feels that it was a really unfair that he never explain her and just brought her to my school where I couldn't protest?*

  All that is besides this post's point. Today I want to talk about the relationship my brother, sisters and I have with her. Or rather how we behave towards her and what we think of her. Why am I telling you about it though? I don't know, do I really need a reason?

  My baby sis, Agujuu, is now 8. Being so young she shouldn't really have the capacity for any sort of emotion towards my stepmother. (un)Fortunate she's extremely bright and perceptive for her age, I know everyone says this about their baby sis' but in my case I'm not exaggerating at all. I'm probably even understating it. While in her face Agujuu never shows any outward signs of hostility she doesn't like her very much. I think it's because she treats her worse than her own son (not overtly though atleast when I'm around because if she did I'd snap her neck, just saying) and because she knows that this is an imposter in our mother's place. She does however call her mum, the only one who does among us.

  My kid bro, Ambros, is just 4 years younger than me he just hates her and shows it. He's rude and abrasive towards her. He doesn't show it too much though because he knows that she'll go running to my dad if it get to much and he doesn't want that. He behaves like this because he puts everything that happened with my parents at her feet. It's her who drew our father away and currently makes our lives so miserable. I can't say I blame him.

  Mukade, my kid sis, comes right in between me and my bro. Her behaviour is the one that amuses me the most. Looking at them together you'd think they're friends. They laugh, talk and even share shoes sometimes. They actually spend time in each other's presence telling stories and stuff. But underneath it all my sis' attitude is exactly like my bro's except, perhaps, more intense. I think she's just looking for the tiniest thing so that she has a good reason to beat her senseless. It always makes me smile when I hear how she talks about her when she can't hear, lots of expletives.

  Me? Well I just don't care about her. Not even a little. I feel nothing. No hate. No hunger. No nothing. I just don't think she's worthy of my emotion and I treat her as such. I answer her with mono-syllable answers. If she talks to me my next statement doesn't exceed 5 words. I feel that it may not be her fault my parents split. More than that I have a very good feeling she won't be very happy in her marriage for too long if knowing my dad and he's plans. I do feel she deserves whatever unhappiness comes her way not because I hate her but because I feel it was extremely unhonourable of her to get a married man. I just that's what I feel about her, that she's an unhonourable woman.

  So there you have it. I've only recently began to realise how my parents separation affected me so I may be writing more about it. Also I guess at some time I'll write about my stepmother and her personality from my limited point of view. But for now this is all. Peace!!!

• Statements that don't help me...

  Posted: December 14, 2011, 3:01 pm by cdooh

  "Do you know how many people are dying of hunger, while you sit here sating you're full and you've barely touched your food?" My mum used to tell me this a lot when I was younger. In those days my food was served for me so I had no say in what portion I wanted. I can however say that whatever I was served was always enough to hold me until the next meal, I wonder how she always knew… That's beside the point though and the point is that statement.

  Recently that statement has been on my mind a lot, I've been thinking about whether it was adequate or even useful. I mean, think about it, your mother probably used the same or similar statement on you, did it ever work? Or did you finish your food just so she could stop bothering and you could leave the table to go play outside or watch TV? For me it never worked and I knew I held out long enough she'd give up and chase me off the table with a stern warning not to come complaining of hunger before dinner or morning.

  Another statement like this one which I hear a lot is "No matter how bad it looks/feels there's someone going through worse" I've come to the conclusion that like the earlier statement they do little to comfort or help the person that they are made to. I know because I've had this statement said to me and all I remember thinking at the time was"Yeah, really? So what? I don't feel that way and either way I don't know this person who has it worse than me. Why should I care about them now?"

  This does mean that I didn't appreciate the concern it's just that that particular statement didn't work. I mean why should I care about nameless faceless people I'll never know personally? How would you know what that person is feeling? I mean perhaps they've come to terms with their situation, or maybe gotten used to it. I don't mean to be callous here but those are the thoughts going through my head whenever you say such things to me. Perhaps I am heartless, or do you actually feel I'm making sense here, sound out in the comments.

  So what statement should you use in cases like this to remind people that it's never that bad? I feel in such cases it's better to give a personal example so that they can know at least you've had some similar experience to them. In my personal experience it's more soothing than saying someone has it worse than me. It enables you to bond over a similar sad experience, just as you would over happy ones.

  Now I'm not sure what I'll tell me kid to make her eat all her food but I'm envisioning something with a cane and me suggestively tapping it against my thigh while glaring down at her.:-D Let me know what you think in the comments. Peace!!!!

  
  P.S This post is brought to you because of @Duchess4life she asked yesterday why I stopped posting, that she enjoyed my posts(I smiled idiotically at this point and felt a flash of pride that always goes to inflate my ego) and I should post more. I don't have a good reason because I have everything I need to be regularly posting I'm just lazy I guess. I'll try to be better in future. Again peace!!!!

• What is poetry?

  Posted: November 15, 2011, 5:59 pm by cdooh

  
  The other day I attended a meeting for our school poetry club. I had wanted to see the performances and a friend of mine had said that they were beginning at 9 am. I arrived at 10 because I had spent the night before not in my room.;) Turns out my friend had it wrong, idiot!!!, and this was actually a meeting between the school club and the guest artists that had been invited. Since I was already there I decided to stay.
  Since I’m so very poor with names I won’t be using any here in case I get them wrong.Anyway at some point we got into groups to discuss various matters like what poetry was to each of us, mediums used in poetry and poetry in the bible. It was an awesome discussion that included other aspect such as what poetry/art we all practiced and what we loved most about our chosen art form.For me the most interesting part of the discussion was what was poetry and a question that arose from that discussion, asked by me, is at which point does poetry stop. At which point do we say stop, what you’re doing isn’t poetry so stop calling it that!!
  

  Check out the cool logo from Wamathai.com

  A little background first. I can’t stand written poetry. I never like it in high school and I don’t like it written on the web. This is no offense to the writers I’m sure some of them, on the web, are quite skilled(I think we can agree if you actually get published you are skilled). I prefer when poetry is spoken out, read or performed, that’s when I get it. Anyway a while back there was a sudden upsurge in poetry blogs, I blame Wamathai, and it would annoy me because most of the works there were, err, in my opinion, either not poetry or just whack!!
  This left me wondering at which point do we say this isn’t poetry. So we set out to answer that question.
  First we each defined poetry. I’ll put here an amalgamation of what we all said Poetry is words in a beautiful way. It is freedom of expression and personal. It is a way to express self about the world, in an indirect way. It’s rhyme, word play. It’s standard, stanza, rhymes and arrangement of word, a way of expressing uniqueness. It’s the art for expressing feeling, any manner. It’s expressive uniqueness.

  This is Wamathai, the poet

  As you can see those are rather broad. So of course this caused me to ask where do we stop. I’m a blogger, a writer of sorts you could say and I express myself, my uniqueness here  does that make me a poet?
  Well we talked about it and a lot was said that I wish could be put up here but that would take several posts and my memory just isn’t that good…but I took notes JBack in the day there were standard rules decide by academics and elite of that time. Anyone who branched out of those rules could be easily dismissed and I guess everyone at the time could easily call someone a poet. However these days there’s more people defining the genre hence we need to be more accommodative than dismissive. Poetry is personal in that it’s about how you feel. Poetic, poetry. I guess you could say that poetry depends on how you see yourself, if you call yourself a poet you are.
  I guess poetry is personal. What you call poetry is not what I poetry so don’t judge. However there is something that was said that really made sense  ”Before you break the rules and branch out, be able to show you can follow the rules.” I think we all need to remember that, no matter what we’re trying to do!
  One last thing “Poetry is in the audience” Think about that. Peace

• Taming Cdooh

  Posted: September 4, 2011, 1:00 am by cdooh

  Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
  

  I think I should get a T-shirt made!!

  It’s nearly 2am as I begin writing this post and it’s the second time I’m attempting to do so. The first one was lost when the battery of my laptop mysteriously fell out when I was moving it from my lap to the couch when I was done. I hadn’t saved. I was using Notepad. This time I’m using Word just in case something happens. Now in to the story…
  A couple of weeks, or more, back I happened to come across a book by Deepak Chopra called ‘Why is God laughing?’ It isn’t a bad book but I really didn’t get the point of it or even why God was laughing when I finished it.  What I did get from is was a lesson, a lesson about ego.
  In the book there’s a point where the hero, let’s call him Haman, was asked, by his spirit guide, to do a task that he felt was stupid. He was famous and not accustomed to being treated that way. He was later then asked to at random to make two people in the street laugh, which he should have been able to as he was a comedian. He couldn’t. He was then told to think about how he felt when he failed.His spirit guide then told him, what for me was the most useful part of the book, something that went like this (my own words but they should give you a good idea of what was said): Our ego makes us believe that we can’t live without it, to protect us from the world but what we don’t realize is that that very ego is what makes us vulnerable to the world.
  This really got me thinking about my ego. Anyone who’s read this blog for a while can attest to the fact that I have a huge ego!! I’ve written about it and mentioned it in several posts. Even if I don’t talk about it directly it somehow comes out in most of my posts. I’ve always felt that I’ve need it that it protected me, my emotions. How wrong I was!!
  The book caused me to take some time to really think of my ego and how it affects my life and my environment. What I found out was a little shocking, though now with hindsight perhaps it had been coming for a long while. My ego is fed by the things I do, the things I tell myself-in front of other people- and things other people say about me.
  Now that isn’t necessarily a bad thing but look at like this. Because my ego said I was very good a certain things I actually shied away from doing the very things it said I was good at because if I failed at it, it would mean that my ego was wrong and that would hurt my feelings. This means that my ego was actively stopping me from being spontaneous, random and experiencing new things and people in life. It was providing two conflicting emotions, you’re awesome at this but if fail then perhaps you’re not.
  It showed me that my ego was generally fuelled by other people, what they said about me and how they re-acted to me. I was basing my actions on what/how other people may or may not react to me. Basing your feelings on what other people think is a definite recipe for unhappiness because you have to get a certain, constant continuous, reaction(s) to maintain that happiness and that’s impossible.
   That’s why I’m embarking on a journey, a journey to try tame something so big it’s essentially me, my ego. I can’t have something limiting me from experiencing life to the fullest, or from being happy. It’s not going to be easy, I know, but it’s something I have to try. It means from now on no longer talking of how awesome I am in front of other people. Or how handsome. Or clever. It also means no longer listening to that voice that tells me I can do this but still goes on to add if you fail you’ll be hurt and sad, crushed.
  Just so we’re clear I’m not talking about self-confidence here. Self-confidence is good, and essential, but you have to careful with it to because it can totally led to you boosting your ego. In my case they’re certainly so tightly entwined together it’ll be a task disentangling them. So what’s the difference? I think self-confidence is you knowing you can do something but ego kicks in when you get the thoughts that if you fail perhaps you can’t really do it. I mean failing once doesn’t mean you can’t do something, right? Confused? So am I!!! I’m still trying to figure this out.Yeah, it’ll definitely not be easy. Peace!!!
  
  PS: has anyone else noticed that if you lose a post, try to do it again it doesn’t sound quite as awesome as the first? Let me know what you think of this one in the comments or if you’ve ever experienced what I’m talking about. Peace!!!

• The One that Got Away pt 1?

  Posted: September 2, 2011, 10:08 pm by cdooh

  I wrote this long long ago, when I was a younger more innocent version of me. It was long long before my first post or even knowing blogging exists. Why I'm posting it here, I don't know. I haven't posted in a while and this was there, already typed. I'll appreciate any comments you have on my juvenile writing.
  
  Now I feel like writing, but what about tomorrow? How will I feel then? Today I texted Belinda and she was not amused that I told Victor about her almost getting pregnant. She says she forgives but doesn't trust me at all. Perhaps her anger is justified but really its a bit of an over-reaction because she really didn't say it in confidence, just in passing; and DAMN that shit was bloody shocking!!! As in WTF?? How was I supposed to react? How could she be soo stupid as to actually let herself be in a situation which could get her pregnant? In this era of condoms,contraceptives,e-pills and abortion? I told Ross and he, in his infinite stupidity, goes and asks her!! Well that leaves me with some serious serious anger!!! Unfortunately for Ross am plotting revenge!!!
  
  Now what am I planning...a damning rumour? Or mess up one of his friendships? Or screw with his reputation? Am not sure... I can remember the last time I had this type of thoughts but I can't remember why I had them. I remember I was even more mad than I am now! But no!! Our friendship endures despite everything. Even as I write this I can feel the anger ebbing away with every breath.
  
  Now back to Belinda... She's "the one that got away" due to my infinite childishness and naivety. And by the time I realised the opportunity before me, it was gone! I tried to make her feel the way I did but nothing! She had moved on. So then we depreciated from something more than friends less than lovers to just friends or even less.
  
  I often wander if I'm obsessed with her. If I'm unable to let go, but I'm quickly discovering that failure to let go is something I do with most chicks I've been intimate with or have/had feelings for. But really, why is it I'm stuck on her? Is it that am just not one to accept defeat easily? Or is it that I like to end things on my terms so that I don't feel anything afterwards?
  
  Even as just friends we were still close as close possibly gets as boy and girl get as friends. But somehow over time we began to see less each other and talk much less. Well, recently I had decided to resuscitate our friendship to its old life...then this happens! Nktest!! But this is not the end of this story.... am not one to give up easily!!!
  
  Now which would be the best approach? Chuck Bass style? Or just be persistent(nice guy act) 'till she gives in? Looking at the two options am thinking Chuck Bass would be the best way...Why you might ask why? Well lets review the options:
  
  The nice guy act: This has some very obvious flaws.First,it strips me of any pride I might have(which btw is a lot, it'll comeback).Second it gives her all the power to use and mis-use.Third she can total ruin my rep.Fourth you can never be sure wether she's really over it as she might just want of get you off her back...Fifth I have very little control if she does crack...
  
  Chuck Bass: First it could totally mean that our friendship is gone for good.Second it comes off like I don't care making her conscious of approaching me. Third it could ruin any future relations with chicks in church.
  
  5-3 Chuck Bass wins but I'll keep track of how things are and decide things when I see her next!
  
  
  I was watching Gossip Girl at the time and was quite fascinated with Chuck Bass -I've been told I'm so much like him, I hope I don't come off as that arrogant though- he had effortless swag that I liked. Anyway what would you have done if you were me? Sound off in the comments. Peace!

• Small update: I've enabled Disqus comments

  Posted: July 26, 2011, 8:24 pm by cdooh

  Hey guys!! People have been complaining about how difficult it is to comment on the standard Blogger template for a long while so from today we'll be using Disqus comments which should make it much easier for anyone to comment. Let me know what you think of it by commenting or by e-mail. Peace!!!

• Weird keywords that lead poeple to my blog

  Posted: July 25, 2011, 11:39 am by cdooh

  So I was randomly checking out my analytics-something I do to make sure at least one person has checked what I've written- and noticed among the reports the search engine Keyword traffic the most hilarious thing. Some one googled "I'm in Kenya, I want a girlfriend" and landed on my blog.
  
  
  This got my thinking about what this person was thinking when googling this and the post he may have landed at. I decided to do a whole post on the Keywords that had landed people on my blog.A girl asked me to come to her room at night - I really can't imagine how exactly this lead to my blog, I mean sure I've spent my share time in girls rooms at night but I've never done any posts on it...yet.
  
  
  fucking.younglive.priveta.com -This one was obviously looking for porn of some sort. I'm guessing, by the way the link looks, he/she was trying to get on one of those webcam site. Don't ask me how I know, it's an educated guess.
  
  guava kisumu - Uhmmm, what? Really? Weirdly this query also had one of the highest times spent on the site. I love guavas by the way, reminds me my childhood stealing fruits from the nun seminary next to our hood. They had a rather vicious dog. Funny times!!
  
  i've been papped - I know exactly where this one landed, here. I don't even wanna think of the context of this search. Had she(I'm relatively sure it's a she) just had a romp and thought to search for similar stories? I'm not sure but it's a lot of fun to imagine.
  
  kenyan women who want call boys - Self-explanatory search term, Dear googler, if you come back may I suggest Adult Friend Finder.
  
  puting susu angelina joulie - This is NASTY!!!! if it's what I think it is.
  
  'what are kenyan women like' - This searcher must have landed on this post.I get a lot of heat for that post. I still stick to my hypothesis though because it works...well. I think if the person who did this search took my advice I think he was well served.
  
  So those are the more interesting searches that landed on my blog. Something else that shocks me in my analytics is where the traffic to my site is coming from; while Kenya is still obviously my number one traffic source number 2 is USA and number three....France!!!! Yeah!!! We're on every continent!! See the map below for overall traffic to my blog for the last year:
  The greener parts have heavier traffic. Also in the last week Ukraine has brought in the 3 most traffic! Hallo Ukraine!!**WAVES** I love you! #Nohomo. Peace!!!!

• Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Conclusion

  Posted: July 22, 2011, 10:34 am by cdooh

  First I'd like to thank Sgyreju for allowing me to put up her posts on my blog and I'm sure all of you thank her too. She wrote them almost a year ago but the ideas and questions she asks are priceless and I'll continue to cherish them forever. Second this is an edited conclusion of what has been a very fun week of posts that Sgyreju originally had on her blog. It contain mostly her thoughts interspersed with mine.
  
  Questioning does not have to be about changing everything. It is about asking questions one does not usually think of asking, about not being content with assumptions, but trying to figure out the truth. About knowing yourself. The conclusion of the questioning process can very well be that one was right about oneself.
  Questioning may also not always end in clear answers. Accepting that this is all right is not easy, but it is important to do so. Sometimes it is better to acknowledge that one is confused than to try to stick to an identity which does not fit any more. Sometimes it takes time, and finding more information, in order to figure things out.
  
  Questioning does not have to be merely about sexual orientation or identity – it can, and should be, be about anything, like social norms for instance. There are many things we do not do even though doing them would not harm anyone, either directly or indirectly just because they are social norm. Maybe we would discover that other people do not actually care so much when we do not follow all the social expectations.(this is actually true I once walked into a super market with multi coloured platform shoes and no one seemed to give a fuck!!!) And if they do care, maybe that would be a good opportunity to tell them about questioning.
  
  The key point of questioning is awareness. One cannot question something if one cannot imagine another possibility. One cannot question something that has always appeared unquestionable. It is therefore very important for all minority orientations, identities, and practices to be visible, so that people know they exist and are able to include them in their list of possibilities when they try to figure out who they are. Conversely, it is useless to know about those possibilities if one does not know that everyone, including them, can (and maybe should) engage in some questioning from time to time, that things are not always certain, and that what once was one way may now be another.
  
  It's best to question things that confuse you and see if you could get honest answers about what you think and feel about various things that you've always taken for granted. Peace!!

• Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 7 Gender

  Posted: July 21, 2011, 10:21 am by cdooh

  
  Gender is something I have only begun to think about very recently, and I still have work to do in order to understand better where I stand in relation to it. But, even though I have only been exploring my own gender identity for about three months, I had known for a while longer that it is quite a complex matter.The first thing to know is the difference between sex and gender. While sex is a biological fact, gender is an identity; it is about how one perceives oneself. For a long time, I did not know about gender; this is not a widely known concept in mainstream France (recently, someone I know wrote a survey with a question about “gender”. She told me her professors had said it was the politically correct word to use for questions about biological sex.). I knew about transsexual people, but I only knew about them as “people who feel they were born in the wrong body and need to change their biological sex”. As to myself, my being a girl was just a fact, like my height or my birth date – a fact about me I had no control about, and which meant even less to me than my height or my birthdate do – and I could not imagine it mattering at all.
  I eventually discovered the concept of gender, and came to understand it, but for a long time, I did not think much about my own gender. I knew I was not transgender or neutrois, and until recently I was not aware that there were other possible gender identities. More important, I was not aware that gender is something that does matter to most people. But lately I have been spending more time on the gender subforum on AVEN, and reading the threads there made me realize how much some people care about their gender identity – how important it is to them to be perceived as their real gender, and not as their biological sex. Some of the things I read there made me realize that it might be a good idea to explore my own gender identity. I am still working on it, as I have not had as much time as I wished to think about such matters lately, but so far I have understood that my biological sex means nothing to me. I do not feel male or wish to be male, but I do not feel particularly female either, even though my biological sex is female. In my head, I am neither male nor female – I cannot relate to either identity. But I wish I could adapt my gender expression to the circumstances – play a female part one day, and a male part another, and be just myself – and not be perceived as female by others, but as neither male nor female – most of the time. I doubt such a thing is possible, though, so as it does not distress me to be perceived as female, I have not yet tried to change anything (I do enjoy it when someone addresses me as though I were male, though, simply because it is not the obvious assumption).I cannot write much more on the topic yet, as I have only began to explore it myself. I hope to be able to gain a better understanding of my gender identity in the months to come, since I should now have the time to think about it. I will certainly keep you posted.
  This is the last post in the series, tomorrow's post I'll be putting some of Sgyreju's conclusions on questioning week as well as my own. I'll even have a talk with her if any of her views have changed. Stay tuned for that and check out her blog. Peace!!!

• Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 6 Friends or Lovers

  Posted: July 20, 2011, 10:19 am by cdooh

  
  Most people divide relationships with people who do not belong to their family in only two categories: friends and romantic partners. A specific set of expectations and “normal behavior” is associated with each category, and transgressions are frowned upon: One is not supposed to kiss one’s friends, or hold hands with them, for instance, but on the other hand, it is not considered “normal” not to kiss or have sex with one’s romantic partner.Interestingly, the strong limit between friendship and romantic relationship has been bent a little – and by sex.
  I am talking, of course, of the so-called “friends with benefits”. True, that kind of relationship has not entered the norm and is not exactly widely accepted (most references I have found to it in the mainstream culture were negative), but at least it is known.So that got me thinking: if it is possible to have a kind of friendship which includes one element from romantic relationship (sex), why not try to make up other kinds? What about friendship with the same kind of emotional involvement, support, and care for the other person as is expected in romantic relationships?Ever since I got over the whole friends/lovers view of relationships, I have been interested in exploring new kinds of friendship further. I think there are so many possibilities there – that if the people involved care to build a relationship based on their specific connection and needs, there could be as many different friendships as there are people.I am involved in two non-typical friendships, and they are very different – but then again, my two friends are very different. They are both guys, and that is about the only thing they have in common. One is someone I have known for a bit less than five years, and have had a strong bond with nearly from the moment we met; the other is someone I met more recently, and the connection took longer to build and, in fact, took me completely by surprise when it did.My relationship with the first guy actually confused me for a long time, and it is because of it that I eventually understood the need to get over narrow relationship definitions such as “either friends or lovers”. I felt comfortable with him from the start; I enjoyed our long and easy conversations, his warm affection and generous understanding, and very much admired the way he could dedicate himself so completely to things he really cared about. When I met him, I knew no other way to be close to someone than to be romantically involved with them, so of course I wanted to date him. I also loved him – something I had never experienced for anyone until then, and assumed to be romantic love because I did not believe that there was any higher kind of love.We ended up not dating (we considered it, but I eventually called it off when I realized that he wanted more than I was ready for), but becoming close friends instead. For years afterwards, that closeness, and the love I still felt, confused me greatly. How could I love him so much but not be in love with him? But, if I was in love with him, then why had I – twice – refused to consider dating him? Eventually, I realized that love did not always mean romantic love, and that love did not always require a romantic relationship to be expressed.For a while, I tried to find a word to describe him better than “friend” – because I have other friends, and what I feel for them is nowhere close to what I feel for him. I finally realized that what I felt for him was close to what I feel for a female cousin who is about my age and with whom I grew up and am still close to. So I decided to refer to him as my cousin (he had once jokingly introduced me as his sister, probably in order to deflect possible assumptions that we were dating). I am not yet fully comfortable talking about him in those terms with people who do not know about our special friendship, but with people who know the whole story, it is very easy to say “my male cousin” and refer to my childhood companion as “my female cousin” (I do have a male cousin, but he is much older and I do not know him well enough to ever talk about him with people who do not know him).My second non-typical friendship began as a typical one, and when it moved into new territories I had already replaced the traditional views of love and relationships with my own understanding of them. As a consequence, it was much easier to adjust to my growing love for this guy, without ever misunderstanding it for romantic love. I never wanted to date him, but only hoped to build a non-typical friendship with him; as he is an aromantic asexual, he is very open to non-typical friendships, and the fact that I am also an aromantic asexual reassured him that we did want the same things and mean the same things when the word “love” was mentioned (meaning non-romantic love). At some point, I also began feeling that “friend” did not describe him accurately anymore, and I eventually asked his permission to describe him as my non-romantic significant other (as “significant other”, before meaning “romantic partner”, simply refered to a person who was very influential in someone’s life, and he certainly has been that for me).Both of those friendships are long-distance relationships, although one is way more long-distance than the other, as my “cousin” lives in another country, and actually on another continent (but for a year, we lived in the same town and attended the same university, and our friendship grew during that time). I do wish sometimes that one or both of my special friends lived near Paris like me, and that I could take a walk with one of them sometimes, or invite him to my place for dinner and a long evening of discussion on every possible topic. But the Internet makes it easy for me to communicate with them, so I only miss them when they are not online for a while.Although, as I said, these two non-typical friendships are very different, there are some common points between the two relationships. First, I love those guys, I do not merely like them very much (which is how I describe my feelings for my closest other friends); I could not tell how I make the difference between the two, but it is obvious to me – I could never mistake one feeling for the other. Both are people I trust and can confide in; I have told each of them things I have never told anyone else (if the two of them ever met and exchanged information about me, what they would put together would represent nearly exactly everything there is to know about me). I value their opinions more than anyone else’s, mostly because they know me better than anyone else. I know that I can tell them anything, and they will understand it right away, which is not the case with other people, not even my parents, even though I am quite close to them.I also value my friendships with them more than my other friendships, simply because I am much more emotionally involved in them than in my other friendships. It often seems to me that with those two guys’ support, I could do anything. They both bring so much to my life, and in turn I want to give more to them than I am usually willing to give anyone.Often, when I describe this to other people, they tell me that I am in love, that this is what a romantic relationship is like at heart. It always greatly annoys me, because I do not think this is the same at all. If I described the same relationships as romantic relationships, I am quite certain that most people would tell me that they are not romantic relationships at all, but friendships! I would say that they are neither, but since they have both grown out of friendships, I prefer describing them as special friendships; I do not think that “romantic friendship” would be appropriate here, as I tend to understand it to mean a friendship including behavior usually associated with romantic relationships, like kissing or holding hands, and there is none of that in my two special friendships. They are not “committed friendships” either, as no formal commitments have been made, and indeed those friendships are not exclusive; my “cousin” will certainly get married and have children some day, while my non-romantic significant other has other friends who mean as much to him as I do (and of course, I am involved in two special friendships at once!).As my “cousin” is not asexual or aromantic, and tends to understand relationships in the traditional way, I do not think that I am likely to explore non-typical relationships further with him. But with my non-romantic significant other, and maybe some day (I hope) with other open-minded people, I do have a chance of defining new kinds of friendships. It is quite exciting, and now that I am aware of such possibilities, I confess that I cannot see the appeal of a typical romantic relationship anymore.
  Comment then go check out her blog here. Peace!!

• Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 5 Relationships

  Posted: July 19, 2011, 10:18 am by cdooh

  
  Very often, people use the word “relationship” to refer to romantic relationships – just as they use the word “love” to refer to romantic love. It rather annoys me to see those words trapped into one of their specific meanings, especially as this specific meaning is not one I can relate to. So, be warned – in this blog, “relationship” refers to all kinds of relationships, and “love” refers to all kinds of love.And in fact, I will certainly write much more about all the non-romantic kinds of relationships and love than about the romantic ones.
  It bothers me that romantic love and romantic relationships are now considered the main and most important kinds of love and relationships, so much that it is necessary to specify that one is not talking about romantic love or romantic relationships in order to be understood when trying to discuss the other kinds. I have nothing against romantic love and romantic relationships – I do not seek them and I consider both highly overrated and the product of social and cultural conditioning, but I respect the fact that they are real and important to other people – but I wish they did not push the other kinds into the shadows so much.Most of the time, it seems to me that romantic relationships are considered to be the only valuable kinds of relationships. Whenever I hear someone saying that they fear they will remain single, the main reason they are afraid appears to be that they do not want to “die alone” or “grow old alone”. But who says that they have to? Are romantic partners the only people likely to stay by their side? No. Nothing actually prevents friends from staying by their friends all through their lives – nothing, except the fact that it is not what is expected of them. Friendship is not considered to imply the same kind of long-term commitments romantic relationships do, even though some friendships last much longer than some romantic relationships – I know many people who have a best friend they have known since childhood, but none so far who have a romantic partner they have known for so long. Of course, maybe that is because most of the people I know are younger than thirty and, thus, are very unlikely to have had the same romantic partner for a longer time than they have known their childhood friends.Very few people put the same expectations into their friendships as they do into their romantic relationships – and ever fewer are ready to fulfil the same expectations for their friends as for their romantic partners. They obviously wish some kind of long-term, permanent connection to someone, but since romantic relationships are expected to provide that, they do not turn to other relationships in order to get that connection if they have no romantic partner. And even if they did consider it, even if they were willing to put that kind of energy and dedication into a friendship rather than a romantic relationship, they would not dare try it, because they would not believe that any of their friends would be willing to do the same – they would expect their friend not to give so much of themself as they would be willing to, or to withdraw it in order to give it to a romantic partner the day they get one.This makes me sad. I wish that all kinds of relationships – not just romantic ones – could be highly valued by the people involved, no matter what kind of relationship they are.One of the reasons romantic relationships are so highly valued, I think, is that people expect their romantic partner to fulfil most of their social and emotional needs – to be someone they can plan the future with, and also have fun; someone they can share activities with, who will always understand them and support them, and so on. Basically, finding such a person would mean not needing another person anymore. Besides the fact that being so dependent on another person seems more scary than appealing to me, I dislike this ideal because it seems totally unrealistic.Rather, I very much like the idea of relying on several different people for fulfilling one’s emotional and social needs. For instance, I do not engage in the same activities with all my friends, and I like it that way. I also like the fact that I do not have the same emotional connection to all of them, that we do not discuss the same things and that I do not behave the same way with all of them; I never play a part or pretend to be someone I am not, I simply do not show the same facet of myself to everyone. While only two of my friendships are truly deep and close, none of the others are casual (or else, I would not refer to these people as “friends”) and they are all important to me. Maybe my two close friendships fulfil more of my emotional needs, but that does not mean that I am not emotionally involved in the other ones.I also dislike the idea of needing only one person to fulfil one’s needs, because I have never been looking for people to fulfil my needs (they are pretty low in the first place, and only grow when a relationship develops and more than fulfils the needs I have) – I have met them by chance, and those friendships often developed without my expecting them to (especially the most emotionally involving ones). Why should I have refused to let the second one develop, for the only reason that I already had one close friendship? Why should I have put an end to the first one in order to allow the second one to grow? My having a second close friend did not weaken my relationship to the first one. They are two very different people, and my relationships with them are totally different as well; I enjoy both, and would not want to choose between them. And if I ever were so lucky as to develop a close friendship with a third person, I would not give up any of the first two either. This is not a matter of competition; just as my social and emotional needs grow as I develop new sources of fulfilment through new or deepening friendships, the affection and attention I can offer my friends also grow with my friends’ needs for them. I am quite certain there are limits somewhere, but as my friends are not that numerous yet, I am quite sure I have a long way to go before I reach them.Once, I wrote on AVEN, on a thread about polyamory, that I did not think I could be polyamorous, as I did not need more than one person to fulfil my emotional needs. I was mistaken about this for two reasons: 1) I had not yet become aware that I was aromantic, and 2) I had only one very close friend at the time, and never dreamed that I would ever be so lucky as to have another one. Now I do,  and I realize that I really have no need for a romantic partner in order to feel loved, cared for, and supported, or to love, care for, and support another person – and that, while each of these two friendships alone would make me very happy, having both makes me even happier.I was right about one thing, though: I could not be polyamorous, as I am aromantic. But I am polyemotional. I do not need several deep emotional connections to be happy, but I do not wish to limit myself to one when I am fortunate enough to have an opportunity for two. And both my friends, although they do not know each other, know about my close friendship with the other, and are happy for me. One of them has other close friends that he values as much as he values me, while the other will certainly get married someday. I am fine with both. I certainly do not believe that I am awesome enough that they should need no-one else beside me, and knowing how happy these two friendships make me, I can only wish them the same happiness (or happiness of a similar kind, for the one who wants to get married).I am not saying that people seeking romantic relationships should give up and be content with friendship. What matters is not the kind of relationship one is involved in, but how satisfying they are. Rather than clinging to a relationship label, I would suggest they make a list of what they want from other people (for me, it would be mutual trust, understanding, fun, support, affection, among other things; for other people, it could also include great sex, romantic weekend getaways, someone to make plans and build a future with, someone to raise a child with, or someone to sail across the Atlantic with) and try to find that – not focusing on the context in which they get it, but simply on who can give it to them. They could be surprised.And I would also suggest to remain open to what people have to offer, even if it was not on the list. I never thought I wanted someone to remind me of my dreams, show me the signs and push me into the right direction when I am confused about what to do with my life. And yet, now, I am glad I have him – for this and for many other things.
  All I can say is...and go check out her blog. PEACE!!!

• Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 4 Love

  Posted: July 18, 2011, 10:10 am by cdooh

  
  I did not always identify as aromantic.For a long time, I did believe in the whole romantic myth that one is truly happier with a romantic partner, and I wished for one. I longed for the time when I would finally live those idealized shared moments with my beloved: having breakfast together, taking long walks hand in hand, talking about everything and anything for hours, kiss passionately like in my favorite love scenes in movies…Each of my attempts at romance destroyed those ideals.
  My first attempt convinced me that romantic gestures (offering flowers, for instance) are often not done out of a genuine desire to please the other person, but dictated by conventions which force people (whether they are actually in love with their partner, wish they were, or only want to appear to be) to act the part. The second one showed me that a close friendship was as rewarding a relationship as I could wish, and that there was no need for more. The third attempt finally made me realize that I did not want a romantic relationship, but only some of the things that are associated with it – and not enough of those to want to make a romantic relationship worth all the trouble that came with it.Once again, the problem was that I did not want a romantic relationship for itself, but for everything that I had always seen associated with it. And it is hard to avoid those associations. Romantic love (like sex) is everywhere – in advertising, in fiction, in magazines. It is usually equated with happiness (very few books or movies have a happy ending which does not include the main characters being romantically involved) and represented as one of the most important personal achievements; the idea is that finding true, mutual romantic love is pretty much the most desirable event that can happen in someone’s life.Of course, I wanted to be happy. And I had low self-esteem for a long time, so when I daydreamed about finding romantic love, I imagined finding someone who would see something valuable in me, who would love me for who I am, even though I did not really believe that could ever happen.I am not sure I know exactly how I got over that. I remember two moments, both related to the person who was involved in my third and last romantic attempt, but I had had thoughts about aromanticism before, although I do not remember them very clearly. The first of those two moments happened when I realized I was interested in him, and thought he was not and would never be. I was very upset for a few days, and then I told myself it was ridiculous to hope for something that would never happen and to only get unhappiness out of it. I reminded myself that I had friends who did care about me and value me, parents (and a dog) who loved me. I vowed to stop daydreaming about romantic relationships and to dedicate my energy to being a good friend, someone my friends could count on. Then, I found out that this guy was in fact interested in me – very much so – and immediately I forgot my resolutions. Until about a week before seeing him again, when doubts began creeping in. I told myself I was a coward, afraid of change, and went to meet him. About one hour after, I realized it was a mistake and ran away (no, not because I had anything to fear from him – I was perfectly safe -, just because I really did not want to be there and could not bear it one more second).It turned out that this guy was not a suitable partner for me, for several reasons. But I also realized that I was not suited to romantic relationships. The first time he mentioned a future visit (before I had actually gone to meet him and ran away), I felt trapped and pressured. I also realized that becoming romantically involved with him came with expectations that I was not sure I wanted to fulfil. It was all going too fast, I was no longer in control (not to say that he was; rather, the romantic relationship we were building was), I could no longer do my own thing… It was unbearable.Going from one near-extreme to another, I have become rather cynical about romantic love. I now tend to say that romantic love probably does not actually exist, but that we are conditioned to want it and believe in it by our environment. I do believe in love in general – I love my parents, I love my dog, I love two of my friends -, just not in romantic love. To me, romantic love is just love with added expectations and behavior – both things which do not suit me, so I have opted out. I do value love very highly, but to me, romantic love is overrated.
  Let the author know what you think about her views on love, in the comment section below.  You also find her blog here. Peace!!

• Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 3 Sex

  Posted: July 17, 2011, 10:12 am by cdooh

  
  Sex is a complex matter. It is hard to define – for some people, only genital penetration counts; for others, anything involving someone’s genitals is sex. It also has several meanings: an expression of romantic love, a fun activity, a way to experience pleasure, a way to prove one’s worth… and many more. Some use it as a means of pressure (withholding sex in punishment or offering sex as a reward in order to obtain something), while others plan strategies to obtain it.One of the reasons why it can be so difficult sometimes to come out as asexual is that most people cannot imagine that some people might not want sex. It is assumed to be a universal truth that “everyone wants sex”. Yes, there are a few exceptions – deeply religious people, artists and scientists so committed to their life’s work that they are aware of nothing else, victims of sexual abuse – but those only prove that the rule holds: Everyone, except people who have very good reasons not to, wants sex.
  But does it mean that they all want the same kind of sex? I doubt it. Many people have strong ideas on what is “right sex” and what is “wrong sex”, based on religious, moral, legal, and health reasons, or simply the idea that it should be done with the “right person” and when it “feels right”. But what if, in some cases, the “right sex” is no sex? Well, it appears that, for some people, even the “wrong” kind of sex is more acceptable than no sex. A bi-asexual woman told me that she first came out to her mother as bi, and later as asexual. Her mother’s reaction at the first coming out was negative, but she reacted to the second one by saying “I liked it better the time you told me you liked girls”.I am not sure I understand why people (supposedly) want sex so much. Besides biological reasons like having a sex drive, I assume it is partly because it feels great, but mostly I think it is because of the many meanings that people associate with it. This is why I wanted sex before I discovered I was asexual. I wanted the wonderful, perfect love-making that romance novels describe; I did not want actual sex, but only an idealized representation of it. I wanted the full experience of love and shared pleasure, but there was no-one I had ever actually wanted it with. I never wondered about it, because I thought those kinds of desires only happened with the “right person”, and as whatever feelings I might have had in the past had never been returned, I was not surprised I had never experienced such desires. And yet, the actual sex acts disgusted me. Whenever I read about them, in biology class (I never had a sex ed class, only biology classes dealing with puberty, human reproduction, birth control, and STDs) or the rare times curiosity made me look for sex ed information online (I was over 19 the first time that happened), I felt uncomfortable and sick. The only reason why I still wanted the perfect lovemaking from romance novels was that, in my mind, they were two totally different things. The day I finally forced myself to accept that they were basically the same thing, only described in two very different ways, my romantic ideal of lovemaking collapsed and I never desired it again.Maybe other people desire sex, not for the sake of getting body parts in contact, but for the sake of what sex means to them. It can be a way to express love or share something special with a romantic partner. It can be a way to feel good or have fun. It can be a way to raise their self-esteem. Sex has none of those meanings for me, though. I am aromantic and dislike physical touch in general, so I cannot relate to the idea of expressing love that way (although it would certainly be something really special and quite a gift to the other person to be able to want that kind of touch from them), and I can think of several other ways that would be more meaningful to me. There are many activities I enjoy that make me feel good; from what I heard, sex is even better, but as I do not know what exactly I am missing, I cannot really miss it, can I? As to self-esteem, I do not base it on my attractiveness to others, so getting laid would do nothing for it.But wanting sex is not enough – people who do want sex do not want it with every person of their prefered gender(s) that they meet. There has to be some sexual attraction too – and that is the other thing that makes people want to have sex. I have never experienced sexual attraction, but I know what it is to want something very much, so I can try to imagine wanting someone in a sexual way being like wanting a gorgeous high-end laptop (yes, I know, the comparison is weird). It is not something I can really control – most of them do not catch my attention, while looking at some others or reading their technical specifications make me immediately think I want that one and start imagining how it would be to have it (how it would look on my desk, how well The Sims 3 would run on it, and so on). That makes me wonder, though, if someone who could experience sexual attraction but did not relate to any of the other reasons to want sex would actually have sex in the end or not (admitting that the other person involved was interested in having sex with them). After all, I still see some laptops that I want, but my current laptop does everything I need and more, so I do not actually want to get one of them; the attraction is there, but I do not wish to act on it.Becoming aware I was asexual required to work out where I stood on both aspects (wanting sex and experiencing sexual attraction – the answer was no to both). But I do not think that not wanting sex is a natural consequence of not experiencing sexual attraction. I have talked to asexual people involved in romantic relationships with non-asexual people and who had sex with their partners, not as a sacrifice or a chore, but as something enjoyable they did want to do, although not for the reasons most other people have sex (usually, their reason was that they knew it was important to their partner). Asexual people may also want to have sex for the purpose of experimenting – to see what all the fuss is about, what it is really like. But at the time, even though I had read the official definition of asexuality, I was convinced that one could not actually want sex and be asexual (so, when I once wondered if I might not want sex after all, in some specific circumstances, I first had to get over the fear of not being asexual anymore in order to really explore the matter).It seems to me that many non-asexual people just take their own desire to have sex for granted, and do not think about it much. Maybe it is easier for people who lack one of the two kinds of incentives to have sex (sexual attraction) to think about the other one (the meaning one can attribute to having sex, and which is, for me, the main reason why people actually have sex). From what I have heard, some strategies that asexual people in romantic relationships with non-asexuals use to deal with the whole “you don’t desire me so you don’t love me” issue is to discuss the fact that sex does not have the same meaning for them. And, if stories I’ve heard of people having sex with someone and thinking it meant they were a couple while for the other person it simply meant having fun are any indication, maybe non-asexual people would have an easier time dealing with each other over sex if they tried to figure out what their motivations for having sex are, and discuss them (preferably before having sex).Excellent post, don't you think? Drop the author a line in the comments and on her blog. Peace!

• Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 2 Questioning Your Identity Is Good for You

  Posted: July 16, 2011, 10:08 am by cdooh

  
  I will not lie to you: Questioning one’s identity is scary.The evening of June 4, 2006, when I finally became aware that I probably was not heterosexual as I had always assumed, and the night that followed were, at the time, the scariest moments of my life. Now, four years later, they have only been pushed to second place by another evening that I do not want to talk about (and anyway, it has nothing to do with asexuality or any of the other matters that I wish to discuss in my Petri Dish).Why is questioning scary? Because it requires accepting that some things one believed in and thought unquestionable are, in fact, not certain at all. It means accepting that one may not know oneself as well as one thought. The first time it happens, it can be quite a difficult experience – it certainly was for me.
  It can be difficult especially if one considered oneself to follow the norm in something, and suddenly realizes that it may not be the case after all. For some people, accepting that one might divert from the norm is very difficult. There is something comforting in fitting in, in being like everyone else. People who are different in some way (whether it is sexual orientation, dietary choices, religious beliefs, reading preferences, or pretty much anything else) are often asked to justifiy their difference to others. Their difference is also often assumed to be playing a part in pretty much anything unpleasant that may happen to them.(An example? The keyboard layout used in France is AZERTY; I, however, use the Swiss-French one (QWERTZ) for personal convenience when I need to type in French. So, at work, although I have a standard-issue AZERTY keyboard, I changed the Windows input language settings to QWERTZ; I know that layout well enough that I don’t need to look at the keyboard to type. People only know about my unusual keyboard layout preference because they run into difficulties when they try to show me something on my computer and happen to have to type, or when I need to use a different computer and stare at the keyboard in order to find punctuation marks instead of typing like a machine-gun like I usually do, and thus have to explain that sudden slowness to whoever happens to be witnessing this pitiful typing performance. I cannot count the number of times I have had to explain (usually several times to the same person) why exactly I use that layout and how come I find it easier to use than the usual AZERTY, and my use of that layout has been blamed for every issue I may have run into with my work computer, especially authentication issues (and it always turned out that my password had been typed correctly and that the cause of the problem was elsewhere). And this is nothing compared to what I hear when people find out that I am a vegetarian…)For me, when I first wondered if I might be asexual, my problem was not to accept the possibility of diverting from the norm (I had been doing that all my life) but the fear that I was not really asexual and only wishing to be in order to be different. First I had to get over thoughts such as “you’re not anything special, what makes you think you can be part of a one-in-a-hundred minority?” in order to fully accept that, yes, I was different. The issue was not wanting to be like everyone else: it was the possibility of wanting so much to be different that I might be making it all up.But this first questioning experience opened the door to others. Realizing that some things could be questioned allowed me to question others later on, and to get to know and understand myself better. The following questioning experiences became easier, too. I wish I had become open enough to question everything on principle, but I am not there yet. So far, I have questioned the so-called universal truth that everyone is interested in sex, the idea that romantic love is the most desirable feeling one can have for another person, traditional relationship models that follow the friends/lovers binary, and pretty much everything I thought I knew about gender. I may have not fully figured myself out yet, and at the start each questioning process may have been a bit upsetting, but in the end, I feel better trying to really understand who I am and who I want to be, rather than remaining stuck in a mold that may not exactly hurt me, but which does not exactly fit me either.
  Having a comment for the author? Drop a line in the comments and I'll make sure the author gets to hear about it or you could go check out her blog here. Peace!

• Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 1: What Exactly Happened on June 4, 2006

  Posted: July 15, 2011, 10:03 am by cdooh

  
  Since today is the fourth anniversary of the evening during which I realized I needed to reconsider my assumed and never questioned heterosexuality, I thought I might as well tell the story of what exactly happened then.I had a LiveJournal account in which I wrote regularly – and there are entries about that event. The first one was published at 10:18PM that night, which means that the event happened before.
  I remember writing a journal entry (which I intended to share with my LJ friends) about movies – more specifically, the different ways one could like a movie, comparing them with the different ways to relate to a person (an old favorite being like a childhood friend, for instance). I was really getting into this idea, and thinking about a specific movie, I wrote something like “And with some movies, it is like being in love with a woman” (I cannot get the exact quote, as I deleted that draft later on that night). Then I realized what I had written, and alarm bells went off.Now, I had never, ever considered the possibility of being in love with a woman. I had liked boys, so I had always assumed I was straight, and never questioned that. I would not, I think, have had a problem with discovering I liked girls rather than boys (my parents had always told me that it would be fine if I did), but I did not know it was possible to like bothboys and girls. I did not know much about bisexuality and I thought (incorrectly) that it was only about sex, not about feelings. And I had never really thought about sex in relation to specific people – I only thought about sex as something that would happen some day, but did not imagine I might desire it with a specific person in the present. So I could not relate to liking men and women for sex only.At first, I wanted to erase the sentence. Then I thought that I had no reason to be ashamed of it, but added something like “well, I suppose so, as I have never been in love with a woman”. But it did not ring true. And, with a rising feeling of dread, I realized I could not ignore this.The reason why I compared the specific movie I had in mind that night with loving a woman was quite clear to me, even then: that movie stars a female actress who, I thought, looked quite like a woman I knew and admired very much at the time. Well, a bit more than that. My feelings for her were confused, because she was older than my mother and not someone I was close to, so I did not quite know what I felt for her. But I had never thought my feelings might be romantic – not even after I got carried away while talking about her to someone and said that if I were a guy I’d marry her, not even after I once felt jealous of someone she had just hugged and wished she would hug me too, not even when I wanted so much to get her attention and earn her respect. (Now, I do not think that those feelings were romantic, actually – I think it was more like a squish than a crush. But back then I did not know about squishes or aromanticism). That night, though, after writing that sentence, I began thinking that maybe my feelings for her went beyond admiration and were more similar to what I experienced when I had a crush on a boy (well, if it is possible to compare a crush on a boy my age with those feelings for a woman older than I).I tried to consider that possibility. It terrified me. If I really had a crush on that woman, then it meant I was not straight – but why had I not discovered this sooner? Why was I feeling this way only now? How could I have not known this about myself? Which other things did I ignore about myself?I remembered other events. A girl I always hoped to see at the dining hall. A female friend I had in high school and how I loved our talks about not needing boys and touring Ireland on a Porsche when we were older, how I had thought many times that if I liked girls, she would be the type of girl I’d like. A woman at a party who had insisted to make me join others on the dancefloor, and how I had thought I would not have done this for anyone else but would do anything for her. A movie I had seen about a newly-married man who falls in love with his mother-in-law when he meets her for the first time on the day of the wedding, and how I had thought that it was impossible not to fall in love with that woman. I had thought these were nothing unusual. That evening, for the first time, I was not so sure anymore.What terrified me was not really the possibility that I might be attracted to women – it was the fact that I had discovered something about myself, something which might have been there for a long time without my knowing about it, and for which I had no name. Suddenly I felt I did not know who I was at all. I was not sure what it all meant.I cried myself to sleep. I had the most terrifying nightmare of my whole life (a nightmare which involved a woman with superpowers who used them to kill many people, took me hostage, and with whom I fell in love before she killed me, and then I became her), so terrifying that when I woke up from it, I could not tell if the dream was over or not, if it had been a dream or if it was real, and did not dare turn on the light as I feared seeing the woman in the room (something which had never happened to me with any of my previous nightmares).In the morning, I was still confused and afraid. I cried several times that day. I felt I needed to talk to someone, to get help make sense of this, but I did not know who to ask, and I feared that whoever I would talk to would try to put me in a box and not really understand me, so I decided to work on this alone.It took a week. The process was both scary and exciting. I created a new private LiveJournal, searched the Web for information on sexual orientations and more specifically bisexuality, and wrote my findings in the new LJ. This is how I discovered the sexual attraction criteria (bisexuality was always defined as “being sexually attracted to both men and women”) and that it made no sense to me. And this reminded me of an article on asexuality I had read a few weeks earlier. I read the article again and found a reference to AVEN. I went there, read the FAQs, read some members’ stories, and then I knew where I fit.A week later, on June 11, I wrote in my new private LiveJournal: “I am bi-asexual”. I knew who I was. I had a word for myself. On June 22, I joined AVEN. The next day, I joined AVEN-fr.I have questioned my identity several more times since that night. I no longer identify as bi-asexual, but as aromantic asexual (and some other things besides, but let’s keep it simple for now). I am less repulsed by sex than I used to be, and I know more about sex than I used to. I have discovered new concepts - squishes, non-romantic love, Boston marriage, among others. That first questioning phase opened the door to others, and each time it became easier to accept that what I had always taken for granted might not be true.On June 9th, I wrote this in my shared LiveJournal: “Question what you always took for granted. You will learn a lot about yourself that way, maybe things you would never have suspected and that will surprise you, but if you accept them, you’ll be fine, because this is who you are, who you have always been – you just didn’t know it.” I still believe it is true.
  So what do y'all think? If you have anything to say, please drop a line in the comments. Be sure to check out the authors blog here! Peace!

• Sgyreju's Questioning Week

  Posted: July 14, 2011, 10:59 am by cdooh

  I've been wanting to do this for a long time. For the next week,every day, starting tomorrow, I'll be featuring a number of posts that I read a long time ago from Rainbow Amoeba's Petri Dish . She called it Questioning Week.  They really inspired me, so much so that I started my very own Questioning Week inspired by the series of post I'm going to share with you during the coming week
  
  So a little history; Sgyreju had just moved her blog to a new site and was also celebrating the 4th Anniversary since the evening in her own words"during which I realized I needed to reconsider my assumed and never questioned heterosexuality, I thought I might as well tell the story of what exactly happened then."
  At the time she identified as asexual. But after questioning herself a little more she dropped the asexy tag and refuses to identify with any groupas she feels it limits here. I trust all of you will enjoy her work, she's a really talented writer and one of my favourite bloggers. Check her out starting tomorrow! Peace!!

• My blog was nominated for...

  Posted: July 12, 2011, 8:53 pm by cdooh

  
  ...the Storymoja Monthly Blog Posts Expo. Yeah I was nominated along with a host of other more talented writers such as Savvy Kenya. Yeah someone considered my writing to be at the same level of Savvy!! Yeah I'm feeling rather good about myself right now. You can read about the nomination here, doesn't seem like there's any prize to be won though.
  
  Here's what was said about the nominees
  
  

  "...today, all I wish to celebrate like we have every month on the Storymoja Writers’ Community, is the diversity of writing and the creativity of forming that can be found on the Kenyan blogosphere.
  
  Now some of the blog posts I found are fiction, some are opinion editorial, some are more personal writing. Some of the posts were nominated by readers, others I just stumbled upon and loved."

  Yeah I'm creative or at least that's what this nomination means for me. I'm jazzed!! If you're the one who nominated me thanks!!! Peace!!

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes