Items by archer
archer
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Tickets to Lounge Unplugged with Vivian Green
Posted: October 15, 2011, 4:36 pm by archer
Sorry for the very late update. The winner of the pair of tickets to the event should have been announced yesterday at 5pm. unfortunately I haven’t had internet access for almost 24 hours!! (thanks Safaricom!) In as much as I’d love to give tickets to all you wonderful readers of this blog, I’ve decided to [...] -
The Lounge Unplugged with Vivian Green
Posted: October 13, 2011, 5:30 pm by archer
This Saturday 15th October 2011 Capital FM invites you to the #LoungeUnplugged Fanatic edition, featuring R&B and soul singer Vivian Green. The 32 year old Soul Train Awards nominee and a native of Philadelphia is on her fist visit to Kenya. She is famous for her three studio albums A Love Story (featuring the hit [...] -
Utahama lini??
Posted: September 16, 2011, 1:25 pm by archer
Hi all, This blog has now moved to www.archer.co.ke so kindly follow me there and update your bookmarks. So long, old blog. *sniff* What’s on my Playlist? Bamzigi – Bachette (Follow follow follow follow me…) -
Morris Moses Foundation Fundraiser
Posted: August 2, 2011, 5:20 pm by archer
Allow me to introduce to you the Morris Moses Foundation (MMF), a non-profit organization set up in 2009 by friends and relatives of the late Morris Moses Kiromo and the late Isaac Mwongera. The two were patients at a major referral hospital in Nairobi, but sadly they passed away due to deplorable healthcare conditions at [...] -
Blogversary #5.
Posted: May 23, 2011, 4:31 pm by archer
May 10th marked 5 years since I started my first blog. Evidently the day came and went without much fanfare. Just like the doomsday prediction last Saturday. What have I been up to? Well, as many of you already know, I do a weekly show on Capital FM (The Jam) with Cess & Maqbul. Crazy [...] -
#TeamBritish
Posted: May 4, 2011, 12:41 pm by archer
Once in a while, it’s good to use the social media tools we have at our disposal to do good for society. A good friend of mine Ng’endo Machua (@Ngendo87) needs to raise Ksh 500,000 for ankle replacement surgery for her mum. #British is the name that Ng’endo’s mum is fondly referred to on Twitter, [...] -
Guest post: Sunday decorum and other short stories
Posted: April 19, 2011, 3:47 am by archer
By Locococomoco I have a rule, it’s quite simple, no sex on a Sunday. A lot of people think I’m joking when I say this, but a review the immaculate logic behind this rule may change your mind. The thought process starts with The Big Man Upstairs. According to my Sunday School teacher He is [...] -
Guest post: Another one bites the dust…
Posted: March 29, 2011, 6:54 pm by archer
By Buggz79 This is a post about the boys. What happens when your comrades, your men at arms, your amigos go off and, in an act unrelated to domestic hygiene, sweep some damsel off her feet? Chances are that they will be handing said damsel the broom quite shortly. But this is not the [...] -
Cockblocking – From victim to master
Posted: March 7, 2011, 4:48 am by archer
According to this article, cock blocking is quite accurately defined as the “foul act in which someone interferes with another’s attempt at finding happiness inside someone’s pants.” I’m pretty sure that a lot of guys have at one (or more) point in life been a victim of this very criminal, sadistic act. However, cock blocking [...] -
Guest post: Jameni, can you women make up your minds?
Posted: January 23, 2011, 8:39 pm by archer
By Ndimi Tamu I do not remember one day getting up gleefully and proudly naming myself a woman’s man. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of joy dealing with genderius tenderit. I’ve also had my fair share of drama. And the training that I received from it. When I was a little [...] -
You never thought it could happen to you?
Posted: January 17, 2011, 4:48 am by archer
I know I’m late to the party, but happy new year to everyone. You know the way you see certain things happen to “other people” but you tend not to think too much about them because it hasn’t happened to you? Name any situation. We normally tend to brush things aside until they happen to [...] -
I see crazy people! – Chipodramatics
Posted: November 24, 2010, 4:23 pm by archer
crazy girl Last Wednesday evening about 6:30pm, a pal of mine (Phil) calls me up and says he’s in my vicinity. I was in an extremely boring lecture at the time, so a distraction was something to look forward to. It ended at 7pm and I headed off to the pub to meet up [...] -
I see crazy people! – Fat Otis
Posted: November 24, 2010, 1:03 pm by archer
A couple of recent incidents have led me to believe that mental illness is a very serious issue in Kenya and efforts need to be stepped up for people to have themselves checked. It’s a known fact that many people live with one sort of mental issue or the other without being aware of it. [...] -
Kuchemsha maji…and the case for fleshlights.
Posted: September 30, 2010, 12:35 am by archer
Guys, how many times has this happened to you? You meet a pretty chic at the club and start conversation. You buy her a drink, which over time becomes several drinks. More often than not, they’re expensive cocktails, but at the back of your mind, you assume that you’re safe since she seems to be [...] -
Stan Live: 26th August 2010
Posted: August 26, 2010, 3:35 pm by archer
Anyone in Nairobi looking for a pre-promulgation plot should consider heading out to Fiesta Restaurant this evening for Stan Live. Stan (Stanley Ng’ang’a) is the talented, guitarist with the mellow voice that you probably remember from his album “Kenya Debut”. (Don’t have it? I suggest you look for your own copy A.S.A.P – you can [...] -
Why threesomes are over-rated
Posted: July 19, 2010, 10:32 am by archer
It all started with a less than innocent cursory glance in her direction. Unfortunately the glance was intercepted by the one person you don’t want busting you staring ovyo ovyo at other asses – the main S.O. Who in this case was this kubaff. The ass owner in question was her room-mate in campo. Gentlemen, [...] -
Letter to the 13 year old me…na maneno ya Cess Mutungi.
Posted: July 16, 2010, 5:35 am by archer
Hi kiddo, It’s me. I mean, you. From the future. Waaaaay into the future. Haven’t you always wished that you could have a sneak peek into the future and know what lies ahead for you? Well, that’s why I’m here. So sit down and take notes. You’re going to high school in the next year. [...] -
Ladies, please take note!
Posted: June 10, 2010, 11:55 am by archer
RE: 2010 World Cup List of Rules 1. From 11th June to 11th July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspapers so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do [...] -
Guest Post – Invitation to Tender
Posted: May 18, 2010, 1:48 pm by archer
By RK I don’t usually write about this stuff. These stories of infatuation I see all over the place remind me of the time I spent in college chasing girls. The older a man gets, the more rational his thought process becomes. Or so I thought. Now, there’s this new chic at the office. I [...] -
Blogversary #4
Posted: May 11, 2010, 8:36 pm by archer
Today marks 4 years since I started this blog. Well, there’s really not much to say this time round, coz as the years go by, I blog less and less. But there are still a few noteworthy things that have happened over the past year. 1. That Makmende post. This was a case of being [...] -
THERE GOES THE BRIDE!!
Posted: May 7, 2010, 4:17 pm by archer
The Crazy Friends Ensemble (as Kiss 100 and Classic 105 puts it) takes this pleasure to invite you to watch the Broadway award winning, rib cracking, crazy wedding comedy, THERE GOES THE BRIDE!!! Produced by Davies Lule Lule Directed by Ellis Otieno Come and join us as we watch how this wedding morning preparation craze [...] -
Gaetano goes missing!
Posted: April 19, 2010, 3:29 pm by archer
Reports from Lonrho House have it that “Capital in the Morning” host Gaetano Kagwa has gone missing mysteriously. He apparently expressed a fear over the weekend that his life may be in danger. He informed his family and some of his colleagues at Capital FM that he had been receiving threatening text messages from mysterious [...] -
The Return of Makmende!
Posted: March 20, 2010, 3:01 pm by archer
Ha-He is the second video from Just a Band’s second album, 82. It was released this past Monday via JAB’s YouTube page. The 1970’s themed video, directed by Jim Chuchu and Mbithi Masya, features a mean, ass-kicking character known as Makmende (played by Kevin “K1”Maina) who has been all the rage on Twitter this week. [...] -
What happened to the Bro Code?
Posted: March 11, 2010, 6:17 pm by archer
There’s this little thing known as the Bro Code. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It’s a set of rules that governs the relations between men. It has a whole list of do’s and don’ts. Rule # 1 states that bros should always come before ho’s. (No offence to the ladies) Women come and go, [...] -
The bitches next door!
Posted: February 22, 2010, 4:17 am by archer
**You shall forgive me for the use of unflattering language in this post. It merely reflects the amount of resentment that I have for these creatures.** During the last week of Machipo’s stay next door, Nyambura came by with a couple of girls, one of whom I know from uni. She said that they’d be moving [...] -
Let me tell you about my hood…
Posted: January 21, 2010, 2:07 pm by archer
(Kindly note that this post is not an invitation to speculate on the location of said neighbourhood) I live in a cosy little flat in a dusty neighbourhood somewhere in Nairobi, which will be referred to as Dusty Hood. I’ve lived here for a couple of years now. It is a lively place, full [...] -
The Honour Board (aka The Dean’s List)
Posted: December 7, 2009, 8:56 pm by archer
Back in South Africa, my housemates and I had what we called the Honour Board, which was a foolscap stuck onto the fridge, and we’d write down shrubs, oxymorons, dumb ass quotes and any other nonsense that came out of anyone’s mouth while in the confines of our flat. We had some very interesting conversations. [...] -
More Kenyan Peculiarities
Posted: November 9, 2009, 2:05 pm by archer
I’m sure that several posts have been written about mannerisms and behaviours that are typically Kenyan. Safaricom GM Michael Joseph hit the nail on the head when he talked of our peculiar calling habits, but it made us sit up and reflect on our other peculiar habits. I’m not talking about the regular ones. We [...] -
Just A Band – “82″
Posted: October 13, 2009, 3:00 am by archer
So you know where I’ll be this Saturday. Album review coming up as soon as Blinky Bill hooks me up with a complimentary copy! What’s on my Playlist? Usinibore! – Just A Band -
Tusker Project Fame 3 grand finale
Posted: October 11, 2009, 5:00 pm by archer
I think many readers will agree with me that TPF 3 has largely been a success, as compared to TPF2, which was little more than a joke. We’ve been glued to the TV ever since the hilarious auditions. I think that was a great way to hype up the show. We’ve seen a better pool [...] -
Batting for Team B…
Posted: September 22, 2009, 4:59 pm by archer
Seeing as writer’s block has hit hard over the past several months, I’ve had to dig deep to find something blogworthy. I blame this on living a rather quiet life these days, lack of inspiration from other blogs, Twitter too. Yes, Twitter is a major culprit! See, ideas for posts somehow end up as discussion [...] -
Purchased loyalty
Posted: September 9, 2009, 3:23 pm by archer
I may have mentioned before that I’m a pretty easygoing chap, I get along with people from all walks of life quite effortlessly. (Well, except feminists. They’re just stupid) And some of those people include those who most people tend to either ignore or not pay much attention to. Watchies and househelps. The people [...] -
Get your own Kenyan birth certificate!
Posted: August 13, 2009, 12:26 am by archer
I got a link to a website that allows you to create a fake Kenyan birth certificate from Mark Kaigwa and decided to give it a go. (All details are fake) Seeing how simple it is to create a Kenyan birth certificate, what stops someone from assuming a false identity, getting a fake ID card via [...] -
Other people’s domez…what would you do?
Posted: July 16, 2009, 6:35 am by archer
Three years ago, I asked the question, would you tell your friend if you knew that his or her significant other was cheating on them? This question is very relevant because once in a while we get caught up in those situations, which is why, a few years ago, I came to the painful realization [...] -
Maxwell…seven years later
Posted: July 9, 2009, 1:58 am by archer
Maxwell, one of the greatest Neo-Soul artistes is back (finally!) after a seven years’ hiatus. The first album of his upcoming trilogy BLACKsummers’night was launched three days ago. The other two, blackSUMMERS‘night and blacksummers’NIGHT will be launched in 2010 and 2011 respectively. Kinda creative, don’t you think? —> BLACK-SUMMERS’-NIGHT? It’s been a long time coming and [...] -
Keeping it local
Posted: June 4, 2009, 6:47 am by archer
One very tall chap by the name of Mo Maalim threatened to lead a bunch of hawkers and mechanics from Grogan to protest outside my house if I failed to put up a post by today! LOL! Sorry for being away so long folks! For some reason I always seem to date women from the [...] -
Archer’s 3rd blogversary
Posted: May 11, 2009, 1:30 am by archer
This blog is 3 years old today! My gosh, where does time go? I don’t have much to say about what’s been going on over the last year, I trust that you’ve been reading. For today’s post, I’ve gone through my archives and picked out some of my favourite posts. (Hopefully this should keep you busy [...] -
WHAT A WANKER!!!!
Posted: May 7, 2009, 12:53 pm by archer
Nuff sed. -
Honest Scrap award
Posted: April 29, 2009, 5:19 pm by archer
It appears that I have been awarded the prestigious Honest Scrap award by the one and only Lady Farmgal. The little trophy says “This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.” I would like to thank FG for this honour because really, I don’t see [...] -
Honest Scrap award
Posted: April 29, 2009, 3:45 pm by archer
WordPress has been acting up for a week now, I can’t copy paste from Word 2007. Such a shyte application. Therefore I’ve decided to post the Honest Scrap award tag on my old blog. (Haven’t been there in two years, I’m surprised I still know the password!!) So head on over there and feel free [...] -
Archer is…
Posted: April 21, 2009, 7:13 am by archer
Big in Moscow… Big in New York… Not so big in North Korea. Hmm… Feel free to add your captions to Pics 1 and 3. What’s on my Playlist? 100 yard dash - Raphael Saadiq -
As I get older
Posted: April 20, 2009, 7:47 am by archer
I turned a year older three weeks ago. (Contrary to speculation, I’m still in my 20s, and I will be for a few more years). Even before then, I realized that age is not just about what numbers appear in one’s official documents, it’s also about one’s state of mind. I’ve slowly been losing interest [...] -
Let’s be civilized pris!
Posted: April 8, 2009, 4:06 pm by archer
I’ve been airing my 5 bob opinions on this blog for three years now. During those three years, I’ve written a few controversial posts which some readers disagreed with, and they challenged my views on those issues. The one thing that I admired about the Kenyan blog scene that encouraged me to start a blog [...] -
KTN “The Presenter” comes to an end
Posted: March 17, 2009, 6:30 pm by archer
Sunday night was the grand finale of KTN’s reality show “The Presenter”, a 16 week job interview where one contestant would get the opportunity to work at KTN as a presenter. I’ve been following the show for many weeks now (missing a few episodes in the process) but last night’s takes the cake for poor [...] -
Cousin Itchy Fingers
Posted: March 10, 2009, 6:04 pm by archer
I’m sure we all have that black sheep of the family. I know my (extended) family has a few! There’s this young chap I call Cousin Itchy Fingers coz as the name suggests, he just can’t keep his hands away from other people’s stuff. He’s the guy who walks into your house and you immediately [...] -
The Man Bag…an important accessory for today’s man
Posted: February 9, 2009, 6:53 pm by archer
So apparently, I own a man bag. It has never struck me as a fashion accessory, but more as a must have item for the modern man. The man bag has been called all sorts of names from murse (man purse) to others, including several connotations that have a gay twist. (Some bags do look [...] -
Tagged I was…
Posted: February 9, 2009, 3:20 pm by archer
So I’ve been tagged by the good dentist…by the way, how can this one be a doc when she’s got wazimu aina tatu? Isn’t that an oxymoron? What if she’s busy performing a root canal then suddenly she changes into the other wazimu? My dear, that Joe Biden tooth job you promised me…sahau! Here goes: FOUR THINGS I’M PASSIONATE ABOUT 1. [...] -
A-list propositions
Posted: January 18, 2009, 1:58 pm by archer
I had a chat with some friends the other day and the topic of being propositioned by a celeb that one fancies came up. This is the HYPOTHETICAL scenario. Your significant other has the hots on a certain A-list celebrity. A really hot one. Not these local garbage variety celebs wa kuji-pox na kuvaa shades [...] -
Back to business…
Posted: January 18, 2009, 1:33 pm by archer
I know it’s a bit late in the day to wish people a happy New Year but Happy New Year! Hope everyone made it to 2009 in one piece and the holiday season was enjoyed to the max. Mine was quite eventful, it had its fair share of ups and downs. Just when the downs seemed [...] -
How to kill your ex…
Posted: December 14, 2008, 1:58 pm by archer
…well, not kill in the sense of murder. Homicide isn’t one of my hobbies and it shouldn’t be one of yours. This works best especially if this is a relationship that ended recently and there are likely to be emotional hangovers. Get out your best outfit. That starched striped shirt that only sees the light [...] -
Another Milestone…
Posted: December 1, 2008, 5:03 pm by archer
Your regular dose of 5 bob opinions reached yet another milestone last week….100,000 hits! ***Doing a jig!*** Well, thank you readers and fellow bloggers. Now to aim for 200,000 hits n 2009!!! What’s on my Playlist? EMI Productions - The Pink Panther theme -
Ladies, please bail us out!
Posted: November 24, 2008, 10:49 am by archer
It’s rather obvious that the male and female minds work in very different ways. Sometimes what may be as clear as day to one gender is complete Greek to the other. And most times it’s we dudes who come out the worse. Coz we’re simple creatures really, we say what we mean and we mean [...] -
Now that Cousin Barack has won…
Posted: November 11, 2008, 12:44 pm by archer
So there you have it, “Cousin Barack” (yes, he’s my kassin, but do I sssaut?) clinched the US Presidency last Wednesday. And since then, it’s been nothing but Obama this, Obama that. Obama ukiamka mpaka Obama ukilala. Obama all over. Kogelo village got international recognition. Babies all over Nyanza were named Barack, Hussein, Michelle, Democratic [...] -
YES WE CAN!!!!!
Posted: November 4, 2008, 3:39 pm by archer
YES YOU CAN!!! YES YOU DID!!! In other news making headlines: OH F*CK NO, YOU DIDN’T JUST DESTROY MY SUPERMARKET!!!!! What’s on my Playlist? Eric Wainaina - Mabawa -
Let’s cook…with Archer.
Posted: October 16, 2008, 3:25 pm by archer
Seems like everyone else has had a chance to share one of their favourite recipes, so I’ve decided to share one of mine! I call it Archer’s cold revenge. This is because it is a cold rice salad served with hot spicy mince and when the two meet in your mouth…mmm…mmm.mmm! My housemates and [...] -
Just a Band nominated for Kora award!
Posted: October 14, 2008, 4:42 pm by archer
If you live in Kenya and you haven’t yet heard of Just a Band, then you probably live under a rock. In Moyale. Surrounded by cacti and scorpions. Just a Band is a Kenyan musical trio comprised of Dan Muli, Bill “Blinky” Sellanga and Jim Chuchu. From left: Dan, Blinky and Jim. Wikipedia describes them as “a [...] -
What ill wind blew you into town?
Posted: September 23, 2008, 2:50 pm by archer
What ill wind blew you into town? The other day as I strolled leisurely strolled around campus, I spied from afar a familiar lanky fellow walking in my direction. WTF?? Nooo, it can’t be! As he came closer and closer, my worst fears were confirmed. It was indeed Obadiah. See, Obadiah and I go way back to [...] -
The Olympics…Kenyan style!
Posted: August 31, 2008, 5:58 pm by archer
First things first, kudos to the Kenya Olympics team for doing us proud at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. 5 Gold, 5 Silver and 4 Bronze? Good! Top overall in Africa…excellent! (hehe! SA only got one silver medal. Good for those arrogant fuckers!) However, I think we could have done better. If only we utilized the [...] -
Randomness
Posted: July 28, 2008, 8:54 pm by archer
About a month and a half ago, four bloggers linked up for a night out. The suspects include 31337, Modo, CB and Archer. CB did a very detailed write up of the night. Yes I did fall asleep at Galileo but that’s coz the seats in the VIP lounge were oh so comfy! (what’s with [...] -
I really don’t get it!
Posted: July 14, 2008, 9:03 pm by archer
There are some tabias that I just don’t understand. Really. My ex and I have been working on whether we should attempt a reunion (we broke up 3 years ago) but that’s a story for another day, if I feel inspired to write it. Back in the day she always had this funny tabia of [...] -
Sex with the Ex
Posted: July 11, 2008, 3:13 am by archer
Questions: 1. Should you? 2. Is it ever just about the sex? 3. Is it possible for it to be just about the sex? 4. Is it possible to have a CSA with your ex? 5. What are the pros of having sex with the ex? 6. We all know the cons. Debate!! What’s on my playlist? Changed my mind - Maxwell [...] -
Why are we so homophobic?
Posted: June 25, 2008, 8:23 pm by archer
What is it with Kenyan guys? I think we are really stuck up and up-tight (not in the literal sense) I think we are really homophobic. Yes, we are. The slightest hint of doing or suggesting anything to a Kenyan jamaa which may be perceived as making a pass at him is almost guaranteed to [...] -
Power blackout leaves country in darkness for 3 hours
Posted: May 25, 2008, 10:12 pm by archer
Just how long does it take Karooocy to blow-dry her wig? -
Close, but no cigar
Posted: May 22, 2008, 3:17 pm by archer
You know the guys who say that God is only a prayer away? Well, they lied. The Main Man had been on mteja since 9:45pm last night. I tried to hola, nutting. I tried over and over again, even asked Farmgal to hola at her Boy and ask him is how he’s lengad my vibe. [...] -
Archer’s 2nd blogversary/Who do I blog for?
Posted: May 16, 2008, 3:49 pm by archer
Archer’s first blogversary This past weekend marked two years since I wrote my first blog entry! Quite an achievement, considering the fact that one month in blogosphere is equivalent to kedo 6 months. Lately I’ve been giving a lot of thought into why I blog and who I blog for. When I first started [...] -
It’s been a while, no?
Posted: May 12, 2008, 3:39 pm by archer
Hello people, it’s been a while. (looking around, seeing if anything’s changed during my absence) actually it’s the first time since I started blogging that I haven’t put down a single entry for a month, much to the annoyance of quite a number of people. Contrary to speculation, I didn’t go into depression after [...] -
We’re going to MOSCOW!!!
Posted: May 9, 2008, 3:54 pm by archer
(This post is so overdue that it’s been overtaken by events) We may not have won the trophy five times in Istanbul, But we’re proud that we’ve got the chance to win it on May 21st in Moscow. We may not have made it to the final (how many?) times But we’re proud that we’ve made it just this [...] -
Death and Funeral Announcement
Posted: March 31, 2008, 4:34 pm by archer
(Picture will be uploaded later) Born: sometime in early 2003 - Died: Saturday 29th March 2008. It is with much sadness and regret that I announce the death of Dodi ole Sunkuli aka Dodi or Sunki, on the morning of Saturday 29th March 2008 after a long illness bravely borne. Sunki was the beloved pet of the Mishale household from [...] -
Irritations
Posted: March 25, 2008, 10:36 am by archer
Over the last three or so weeks, I’ve been under a lot of stress due to mingi issues going on that I’m trying to sort out. As a result, I’ve noticed (rather, it has been brought to my attention) that I’ve become very easily irritable and prone to temperamental outbursts. Perhaps [...] -
Ask Archer…the answers
Posted: March 11, 2008, 8:26 pm by archer
Sorry guys, this should have gone up some time last week. Why do you call yourself Archer? (Majonzi, 5by5, Zack, Nzembi,) I mentioned here that when I started my first blog in May 2006, I couldn’t think of a suitable name. I had a few suggestions written down (I don’t remember them though) [...] -
Randomness
Posted: February 28, 2008, 6:26 pm by archer
Amnesty International demos Yesterday was Amnesty International’s International “Day of public and online action to demonstrate solidarity with the people of Kenya and to call upon the Kenyan government to protect people from politically motivated and ethnic violence.” Several peaceful demonstrations were scheduled to kick off in various cities around the world. (Did they? I haven’t [...] -
Ask Archer
Posted: February 25, 2008, 2:32 pm by archer
*Edited!* Sawasawa, I’ve paid the bloody bill ya stima!! Put the candles away!! I didn’t ilke the dark theme anyway. I see it’s tagging season once again. Unfortunately, this time I’m not going to play ball, I’m going to change things a bit. See, we’ve done the same “6 facts about yourself” tag thrice already since 2006. [...] -
News or comedy central?
Posted: February 20, 2008, 5:16 pm by archer
Is it just me or is local news on TV an interesting mix of information and entertainment? I think these guys must really enjoy their work. There are several times I’ve had quite a laugh just from watching the news. Try it some time, just watch NTV news at 9pm especially when Tom Mboya is [...] -
Top of my wish list for 2008
Posted: February 13, 2008, 3:33 pm by archer
I’m still on the hunt for a new phone after being (violently) dispossessed of my Nokia 6600 some months ago. I’m not one of those guys who buy gadgets simply because they’re cool, or that they’re in fashion, or that they’re flashy. Otherwise I’d already have got myself one of them fancy super slim Samsung [...] -
Blind date… to go or not to go?
Posted: February 13, 2008, 1:51 pm by archer
It will be a gross misnomer to term my love life over the last couple of months as disastrous. Non-existent is more like it. Well, there have been the few interests here and there, but all amounted to nought. It’s been a series of disappointments to the extent that I stopped giving a hoot altogether, [...] -
Back to school
Posted: January 30, 2008, 1:36 pm by archer
After a year’s sabbatical, I finally got back into school this year. Back in school is not quite the term, coz I’m in a new school, doing a totally different course from what I did before. (Lesson learnt: don’t drop out if school (or quit your job) without having a solid plan B!) Things didn’t [...] -
I’ll be back
Posted: January 25, 2008, 4:01 am by archer
Greetings, my good people! Is it too late to wish everyone a happy new year? (although, given the current circumstances…) I hope everyone made it into the new year in one piece. I’ve heard the numerous complaints that I’ve not updated this blog for well over a month now. I’ve been busy with uni (yes, [...] -
Kenyans in the diaspora/Summer bunny love
Posted: December 21, 2007, 5:56 pm by archer
It’s the season for long lost Kenyans to return home for the holidays, the so called “Kenyans in the diaspora.” Hmm…diaspora…for some reason I don’t fancy that word. Say it to yourself five times. Diaspora, diaspora, diaspora….by the time you get to the third “diaspora” the word has ceased to make any sense. Diaspora ni [...] -
What to call this, incest?
Posted: December 21, 2007, 3:28 pm by archer
I come from a community where everyone happens to be related one way or the other. I have no idea how, but someway, somehow, if two random guys were to investigate their family trees, there’s a very big possibility that they’d find a common link somewhere. Which is not a bad thing. Things only get [...] -
Mtupa Mbao hasaidiki!
Posted: December 21, 2007, 2:18 pm by archer
I have this friend, let’s call him PWT. Now, PWT and I were partners in crime in SA. Whenever there was some drama unfolding somewhere and you heard that one of us was involved, best believe that the other was in close proximity (although most time he did the getting into sh*t, I did the [...] -
Who writes these magazines?
Posted: December 13, 2007, 8:11 pm by archer
This morning as I was looking for a magazine to read as I did my morning flight over Baghdad, I found a copy of HM magazine from December 2005 in my bro’s room. There’s an article here called “Seduction Strategies that work.” Show any man a title like this and he’ll definitely want to read [...] -
I hate hosting bashes
Posted: December 11, 2007, 2:46 pm by archer
I hate hosting parties. I’m a good organizer though, you could be having a bash at yours and I’ll help out with brewing some lethal punch, marinating and grilling the nyakez and chicken and all that, as long as I’m not DJing coz my playlists will send people away faster than they arrived. [...] -
That ever elusive sleep
Posted: December 11, 2007, 12:35 pm by archer
I’ve had a problem falling asleep for some years. Take for example right now. It’s 5:10am Friday morning and I haven’t slept since early on Thursday. I’ve tried everything, I’ve watched a couple of series on my PC and some bootleg DVDs, I’ve tried inducing sleep with Cold Cap…nothing. I’m slowly downing a [...] -
Just peeping…
Posted: November 27, 2007, 9:47 pm by archer
OK I admit, this is just an excuse to write something up in here. (I don’t know if this qualifies as a post) does it? I got this idea from Udi’s blog, so I decided to check out my blog rating on this ka website over here. So this is what it has to say about [...] -
Driving in Nairobi
Posted: November 15, 2007, 5:33 pm by archer
It has been said before that if you can survive driving in Nairobi for one year without being involved in an accident, a traffic violation and without having to pay any bribes, then you can survive on any road anywhere in the world. Heck, you should be awarded an F.I.A rally licence! (although I know [...] -
Penguin Missing
Posted: November 13, 2007, 2:31 pm by archer
It was inevitable, it had to happen at some point. Perhaps I jinxed myself? Perhaps it was about time for replacement? I don’t know. What am I talking about? Well, my beloved penguin and I were forced to part ways two weekends ago. And just as I’d predicted (as I jinxed myself) there was no [...] -
How is one meant to get things done in this country?
Posted: November 9, 2007, 5:05 pm by archer
I lost my phone and a few other items over the weekend, and my Driving Licence got misplaced a while ago. Yesterday I decided to report them to the police, which involves getting a police abstract with which I can use to apply for a replacement DL and to locate and recover the phone. So I [...] -
SHUT UP AND PLAY!!!!
Posted: November 5, 2007, 4:23 pm by archer
FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK!! Mara you want to spend the rest of your career at Chelsea, mara you want to leave, then you want to stay again, next you’re disgusted that you made the move to Chelsea in the first place…. WTF???!!!! This dude has been earning over 100,000 pounds PER WEEK for the last three and [...] -
Just keep the seat
Posted: October 26, 2007, 5:43 pm by archer
About a week and a half ago, my class was merged with another one due to a high number of dropouts in both. On the first day of the merger, I got to class kedo 10 minutes late, only to find some chile in my seat. Not a big deal, but I love that seat. [...] -
GO LEWIS!!!!!
Posted: October 19, 2007, 7:26 pm by archer
The 2007 Formula 1 season comes to a close on Sunday with the Brazilian Grand Prix at Interlagos. And what a close battle this has turned out to be. There’s McLaren Mercedes’ blue eyed boy wonder Lewis Hamilton who seeks to be the first driver in history to be crowned world champion in his first [...] -
The “stash”…..
Posted: October 19, 2007, 5:53 pm by archer
It’s a well known fact that guys love us some porn. Most guys that is, the rest prefer to deny that they do. A lot can be said about porn and how it’s degrading to women over and above objectifying them as mere toys. I’ll save my true thoughts about that coz I might get [...] -
Need a new local……
Posted: October 18, 2007, 11:51 am by archer
You know you’re more than just a regular at the local when: a) you know the owner, barman, manager, waitresses, pool table attendants and watchies by name b) and they all call you “Mkubwa, Chief, Munene” etc c) the barman has your [...] -
Doping in athletics and other stories
Posted: October 15, 2007, 12:08 pm by archer
The athletics world was stunned last week when American track phenomenon Marion Jones admitted to having taken performance enhancing drugs/steroids before, during and after the 2000 Sydney Olympics where she won 3 gold and 2 bronze medals. As a result, Jones has been banned for 2 years (she had already announced her retirement anyway [...] -
Shoe Issues
Posted: October 1, 2007, 7:28 pm by archer
If there’s one thing that really frustrates me is trying to find shoes in my size. I wear size 12.5/13 and finding shoes in any shoe shop is one hell of a task. In fact, I’d count myself lucky to even get just ONE pair of shoes per year. That’s how bad the situation is. (Please [...] -
Whaaaat the Fuuuuck?!!
Posted: September 20, 2007, 3:18 pm by archer
Jose Mourinho quits as Chelsea Manager Ai hapana!! Hapa nimekataa!! Someone slap me hard, pinch my nuts, just do something! Tell me I’m hallucinating coz shit, I am!! Kweli dunia imepasuka mahali. The Special One Wee wacha mchezo dadii!! Seriously, how do you quit on the week we’re playing Manchester United?? Someone go find that man!! Farmgal DO SOMETHING!! [...] -
Mugged twice!
Posted: September 17, 2007, 3:51 pm by archer
Once in the 70s, Mwalimu Julius Nyerere described Kenya as being a man-eat-man society, to which the ever eloquent “Sir” Charles Njonjo aka The Duke of Kabeteshire replied “In that case, Tanzania is a man-eat-nothing society.” It seems that the suspicion that Tanzanians have against Kenyans has existed for a very long time. But this [...] -
What does one individual do with Ksh 71 billion?
Posted: September 5, 2007, 4:13 pm by archer
Following last week’s leaking of the Kroll Report into the grand looting of Kenya by Uncle Dan and his cronies, the source (which we all knew) and the true wealth of these individuals have finally come to light. And to call such figures “mind boggling” would be a gross misnomer, coz the fellow who thought [...] -
Fokojembe of the week!!
Posted: August 31, 2007, 5:41 pm by archer
These arabs are mwendaas. Seriously. This definitely takes lunacy to a whole new level! If my daddy was a multi-billionaire oil baron somewhere in Qatar, Saudi Arabia or Dubai, I wouldn’t be drifting in a BMW 7 Series, no no no! That’s too cheap. I’d be writing off a bloody Rolls Royce Phantom!!!! Enjoy your weekend folks! What’s on [...] -
Drunken Post #1
Posted: August 24, 2007, 11:08 pm by archer
We came here to party/throw your hands up everybody/lets have a party going on/it’s a holiday! I’ve just heard this track “Holiday” by Naughty by Nature for the first time in 7 years. If anyone can hook me up with the MP3, aki I’ll kiss your toes. I so love this track! Chic, you’re hot. Haki ya [...] -
I’m rich!!!!….wait, hold on a minute….
Posted: August 23, 2007, 8:20 pm by archer
We’re all allowed one blonde moment per day, right? Thankyou. Yesterday I experienced a moment of what KM would call foolishness reloaded. See, it was the first time that I bought a scratch-card with the new Safaricom “Kwachua Milioni” promotion. Upon seeing the fancy colour work, I asked the shopkeeper wsup with the new promotion. She [...] -
Detour…part two
Posted: August 22, 2007, 3:03 pm by archer
Ok just for the sake of making a technical appearance up in here, allow me to take you back, way back into the archives. It’s interesting how, despite the fact that experience should have taught people a lesson or two, some people still go out and make the same mistakes and expect different results. Mind you, I’m [...] -
Detour…
Posted: August 13, 2007, 3:51 pm by archer
Hi fellas, My latest post can be found HERE. I’ll be away for a while, got some personal shit to sort out so…yes, I’ll be away. Not to worry though, I’ll be back soon. In the meantime, enjoy the post and y’all better be good!! Archer. -
Let’s style up tafadhali!
Posted: August 3, 2007, 2:39 pm by archer
Sunday was hangover recovery day so I stayed in bed all day, save for the 20 or so minutes that it took to fix Sunki some lunch. Aki me si I have a bright mongrel? You see, his kennel has an intercom, so when said pet is hungry, he finyas “call”, then when I answer, he barks twice and steps on his empty bakuli. Nikiskia “WOOFANGA!!” followed by “….ku-pingili-pingili…” I know it’s time to feed the dog. Sharpness, eh? Can your mongrel do that?
I woke up much later at about 7:30 pm, and decided to go down to the local to buy some gafs and credo. It was meant to be a chap chap affair coz I wanted to get back home and tune in to Capital Jazz club, but I ended up having some sodas with a lady pal, until I got sliced by the owner of the pub who I was advised by the barman not to attempt a re-slice since he always walks armed.
As I was leaving, I ran into a cop pal of mine who was off duty and he insisted that I buy him a ka-loose one for the road (which obviously became three or four beers) then despite my insistence that I had to leave, he insisted that I drop him home and meet his two week old son. So I obliged out of courtesy coz enyewe we’ve been pals for four years but I’ve never been to his house. And vile he’s so proud that he’s finally got a son, I couldn’t disappoint him! A son is an heir! Unfortunately the little man didn’t like me one bit, apparently I have a very scary face. Kumbe these tu women that I hola at have been lying to me ati I’m good looking? Ladies, am I that ugly kweli?
What was uncomfortable was the fact that the cop and his pals kept vibing in kyuk for about 2 and a half hours despite the fact that I’m not one yet he was saying some stuff about me. “Hii baruhya hii……blah blah burukenge kabisa heeeehehehehehe!!!!!” then everyone turns to me and starts laughing. Seriously, that’s not polite at all.
And that’s a habit that I’ve noticed mostly among msaperes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on kyuks or making some tribalist hate speech or anything, other communities are also affected. but many kyuks have this habit of switching to mother-tongue mid conversation with zero regard to anyone else around them. Whenever it happens, I ask the guys involved to step aside and have their conversation in private if at all they were discussing some confidential maneno. Alternatively I excuse myself so that they can talk comfortably. But when you have to sit through 2.5 hours of pure kyuk and you’re expected to fill in the blanks, WTF??
Picture this, we’re talking about something, probably politics ama whatever. In English and Kiswahili, then dude turns to his bro and starts korogaing in kyuk for like two full minutes before turning to me and asking “Mishare, hiyo ni uugwana kweri?” How the fuck should I know? It’s not like I understood a single thing you said!
In situations that are unavoidable, you really can’t expect anyone to translate or to consider your presence, for example, last Saturday I went for a pal’s girlfriend’s brother’s ngurario ceremony. My pal and I, both non kyuks, sat at the back of the tent (latecomers sisi) and we had to follow the entire proceedings while trying to fill in the blanks during the kyuk vibe.
Pal: Now all those mamas covered in shukas, si it’s too easy to jua which one is his mama? Si she’s that one with the thuthaz?
Me: eeeeeh! Ni hiyo. I can spot that diab from the moon.
Pal: Is how the mzee is shikaing that kipande ya mbuzi in the air with a stick? Si it’ll go cold! Why can’t he chop chop it so we eat? Me I’m hungry!
Me: The groom is supposed to cut a specific joint of the mbuzi’s leg in a certain manner. So that’s probably the piece.
Pal: Ok, but why is that other dude dressed in a shuka and being pongezwad like this yet he’s not the groom?
Me: I suspect he’s part of the crew who took the goats to the bride’s digz. Let’s watch then we’ll know wsup.
Pal: But if he’s the one who’s pelekad the goats, then why is he being given one?
Me: Labda hiyo ni discount ya prompt payment…
As I said, it’d be unreasonable for me to expect anyone to translate the proceedings of the ngurario into english or kiswahili. But in other cases where a few guys are gathered having a conversation, then two or three suddenly switch to kyuk in total disregard of everyone else around them, me thinks that’s very selfish and inconsiderate!
If you know that you suffer from this habit, (msapere or otherwise) please reflect on it for a while and make the necessary adjustments to your tabias. Most people wouldn’t tell you that it’s irritating, so you probably wouldn’t know whether you’re one of them.
For your listening pleasure
Warning: Audio clip is of a very hilarious nature. Listener discretion is advised.
Click HERE to download/listen to Angry Pawn Dealer
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The worst week of my life…revisited
Posted: July 31, 2007, 7:04 pm by archer
Today marks one year since the beginning of the worst/ week of/ my life. July 30th - August 6th 2006, all the gods and shetanis really conspired against me. If you’re too lazy to follow the links above, what happened that week was that I broke up with my (then) girlfriend, then I got assaulted in a white pub in South Africa.
Why is it still bothering me, especially now that it’s a whole year later? Especially for something as “simple” as a break-up? Those things happen and life goes on, right? What was meant to be was meant to be, right?
So what has changed since then? What kind of person have I become since?
1. South Africa/Afrikaners
Given the circumstances under which I left South Africa, I hope never to set foot in that country ever again in my life. At least not if I can help it. It’s a beautiful country and I have a lot of pleasant memories from my three years there and all the wonderful people that I met, but these memories were all messed up by a select few Afrikaners who tainted my opinion of the country as a whole. I hate Afrikaners, I’m not ashamed to admit that. As in I really, really do not like Afrikaners one bit. I have an extremely low opinion of them, not in the sense that I’d kill the first one that I came across, but in the sense that if I met a white person, you best hide the fact that you’re Afrikaner coz I’d probably not want anything to do with you after that.
And I think my reasons are justified. In three years, my fellow Kenyans and other blacks in general were constantly reminded of our place in the pecking order and subjected to substandard service at several places especially restaurants, as well as other types of mistreatment. That kind of foolishness one can probably tolerate, but when it comes to the point where your life is in danger, that’s a totally different pot of fish altogether.
Few people know that I received death threats after I tried to follow up the issue of the assault using a few unorthodox tactics since all the straight forward avenues had failed. As a result, I had to move house twice in 1.5 months for my own safety lest my face became the newest addition into St Peter’s photo album (aka the obituaries).
And when my plane ticket finally arrived, let’s just say that I’ve never had so much love for the red and green livery on a Kenya Airways aircraft. The flight crew literally had to peel me off the side of the plane and toss me into the cabin! I even sat in front so that I see Nairobi before the guys at the back! And I was the happiest man once the Boeing 737-800 left the tarmac at O.R. Tambo International. I think I might have shed a tear or two.
The amount of shit that I either saw or went through in 3 years can probably fill a book. I’ve never seen people who feel absolutely nothing for anyone else, a people so pretentious and hateful…I lack words. Then you come across such Afrikaner supremacist websites (Ok Alexcia seems to have deleted her blog, she had the links) and you lose words completely.
One thing that really used to piss me off is how the white students used to feel sweet for everyone else. Not that there was any racial tension quietly brewing, but you could sense the fact that they thought they were better then everyone else. I had only 2 white friends in 3 years! Imagine that! One was a chic who grew up on a farm with many black workers, so as she grew up she learnt isiXhosa and Zulu, so she can relate very well with blacks. The other one is a dude who I’d always find myself seated next to in one particularly boring economics lecture every week, so whenever one of us dozed off, the other would always keep an eye out for him in case the lecturer threw a glance in our direction. But we’d both end up dozing off anyway.
Surprisingly, if you had a white friend of the opposite sex, when you met somewhere, he/she’s probably give you a hug, just like you’d say hi to anyone else. But if it was out in the open, on campus, he/she’s probably only give you a poilte “Hi” and leave you pending, for fear of what his/her white friends would think if they saw them hug a black student. What does that tell you?
There were some dudes who lived in the same complex as I did, and they had cars. In winter (which caught us equatorial creatures off-guard) it’d rain cats and dogs but they’d never give anyone a lift to or from school, but when they needed to borrow something they’d run to my cottage. The white students would rarely take public transport, but in all that feeling sweet, I once came across some classified information that showed that a very healthy percentage of white students were on financial aid. Just like other students! So now who are you feeling sweet for? Just coz you’re sharing someone’s car and I’m riding the J-Class? (mathree) At least my fees were fully paid up!
Once, during an accounting tutorial session which was being led by a white 4th year student, my pal and I were part of the only 6 blacks out of about 20 students in class. One student asked a question in Afrikaans, which was explained in detail by the tutorial leader in Afrikaans. My pal asked for the leader to explain that in English since whatever question it is that was asked was probably relevant to all the students. The dude gave us a blank look like “WTF is your problem?” and continued explaining it in Afrikaans. So we walked out in protest, but we’d already signed the attendance register and handed in our assignments. The next week, the 6 of us were in shit for skiving the session, and we were all marked as absent. You think any of our 14 fellow students stood up for us and told the lecturer that we were actually there? Not one! Not a single one.
My only other three white pals were my regular cab driver who knew all the freshest gossip from the weekend’s activities (si he’s the one who used to drop guys home accompanied by their clandes), the barman/manager at my local pub who made quite a tidy sum from me over 3 years, as well as from the pool tournaments that I organized, and a little old lady who owned the mini supermarket near my apartment. She’d always make sure that I got fresh samosas and coconut cookies whenever I passed by after school. And she’d also have a copy of the Sunday Times delivered to my doorstep coz she knew I’d be too plastered on Sunday morning to go buy it myself, and they’d be sold out by 12pm.
If you haven’t noticed the link, there’s always money flowing from my pocket into theirs!! But none of them ever helped me out with anything if there was no money involved. Unless there’s money involved, Afrikaners are generally bila your time. Flash a note and there you’ve got yourself a bosom buddy!
But I think I can understand why some Afrikaners behave as they do, you have to remember the fact that they came to Africa in the dark ages, which is where most of them remained until little over 10 years ago, and a good number are still there trapped there now.
2. Relationships
A year is a lot of time to forget someone and move on, which I thought I had, well at least until last weekend. See, I ran into my ex’s best friend as well as her bro on the hanye. Of course conversation somehow drifted into the topic of us, what went wrong, what could have been and all that.
They say that alcohol gives you the courage to reveal the truth that lies deep within. It lowers your inhibitions. Let’s just say that I wish I hadn’t opened my mouth. Y’all have no idea how many times I’ve pinched myself since Friday.
“Did I say that? Oh shit I think I did. Who did I say that to? Why the fuck did I say that?!” *pinches self!*
You see, you know in your rational mind that it’s over and you can never get your ex back, but your stupid side always carries that little thread of hope that miracles can happen. I ended up saying a lot of stuff that should probably have been reserved for a private journal, which would then be burnt before another human being came across it. I just hope that they were as plastered as I was on Friday night and that they won’t remember jack shit about what I said!
It took a very long time to get over my ex, during which time I sought solace in all the wrong places, slept with more women then I care to count or remember. I call that my malaya phase. I’m a lot more cautious now where matters of affection are involved. I’ve told myself that the next woman who’ll own my roho, that’s the one to whose father’s shamba I’ll be taking some cows and goats. And that’s not any time in the near future!
A.O.B
1. Some people have complained about the very irritating comment moderation on this blog that apparently only allows specific individuals to comment. There is no comment moderation on this blog. La hasha. Anyone can post a comment here. What happens with Wordpress blogs is that they come with Akismet spam catcher as standard. So the first time that you post a comment here, it’ll be sent to moderation. As soon as I check my email and find comments waiting to be approved, I’ll do that, (which I do for all comments) From then onwards, whenever you post a comment using the same name that you did the first time, it’ll automatically be approved. Kwa hivyo sio ati kuna favouritism kati ya ma regulars na ma non-regulars or anything like that. Feelanga free to post a comment.
BUT…
It makes absolutely no sense to me why a person would waste time reading a blog that doesn’t interest him/her, and then leave very ugly abyooosive comments on the blog. If you don’t like what you read, no one forced you to read it! Just don’t read it!! Read something else!!
2. I’m converting my old blog into a photo blog. Stay tuned.
What’s on my Playlist?
Kelis - Get along with you
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Oh no, not another tag!!!
Posted: July 25, 2007, 6:33 pm by archer
Can’t a blogger enjoy his hiatus in peace? Now ati there’s yet another tag? Didn’t we have another one just the other day? Anyway I’ve been tagged by Big Orange so lemme be a sport and pay along. But I’ll follow the Half n Half & Klara format, wacha I bakisha some facts for next year’s seven facts tag!
1. Where is your cell phone…they’re both on the desk in front of me (I have two, but do I say?)
2. Relationship… about month old
3. Your hair…. definitely needs a shave
4. Work… what work?
5. Your sisters…. wish I had some! With my old lady’s looks they’d have been HOT!!! Then I’d have fun harassing prospective boyfriends!
6. Your favorite things…. Chelsea FC, Pilsner Ice (RIP) good sex, cars, food.
7. Your dream last night…believe me, you DON’T want to know!! Trust me.
8. Your favorite drink….PILSNER ICE!!! (R.I.P)
9. Your dream car….I have too many….here’s half of them. Others include: BMW 328i (dolphin shape) BMW Alpina B5, BMW Z4 M, Lexus IS300, Overfinch Range Rover, stretch Rolls Royce Phantom…
10. The room you’re in….crowded cybercafé, next to a chic chatting with some middle aged European dude on Skype, alafu the old geezer is dara dara-ing his tu chest hairs. GROSS!!! Kwani she thinks I can’t see or hear their vibe? Shameless!!
11. Your shoes…black Jordans
12. Your fears….failure, erectile dysfunction, small women
13. What do you want to be in 10 years…in the back seat of my own BMW 745Li
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend…my computer (had the flu)
15. What are you not good at…dancing (why won’t you guys believe me?
16. Muffins? Not really, I love other pastries though
17. Wish-list item…where do I start? Nokia N80.
18. Where you grew up…Nairobi
19. The last thing you did…bought a Ginger Ale
20. What are you wearing…polo shirt, jeans, ngotha, vest, viatu
21. What are you not wearing… eh?
22. Your favorite pet…SUNKULI!!
23. Your computer…has a virus. Speaking of which, anyone know how to remove “Sembako” manually?
24. Your life…is quite interesting sometimes
25. Your mood…can flip at any instant. Ask the kid I slapped at the stairs at 20th Century yesterday. Feelanga G Unit soldier…kubaff!!
26. Missing…a really, really, really good shag.
27. What are you thinking about… refer to #26
28. Your dream location… some place where I don’t have to hear about ODM-K and Narc-K. A few palm trees, sun, cocktails whose names I can’t pronounce, a gorgeous woman with an ample bottom…..
29. Your Ex… grew a kitambi after we broke up! Not pregnant, I mean, a really big sagging belly.
30. Your Favorite Item… er…my cellphone?
31. Your favorite colour….blue
32. Last time you laughed…this morning
33. Last time you cried… 31st July 2006, it was just 2 or 3 tears!
34. School… taking a break for a year
35. Love … is just but an illusion
Ok the next blogger who comes up with a “facts about yourself” tag during 2007, huyo tutam*&^%$@#($&#%&^%$&$&*&%$ but in the meantime, I’m tagging Tweety and Kafai. Tell us something about yourselves!
I’ve gone back to my hammock under the palm tree, I’ll be back in August.
What’s on my playlist?Peep Show - Joe
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Siku njema huonekana asubuhi…I guess not!!
Posted: July 12, 2007, 7:20 pm by archer
(Just popping in briefly….I’m supposed to be keeping away from blogosphere!)
I knew it was going to be a bad day today. I could tell. Right from the moment I opened my eyes, I knew. See, I’ve set my ka-radio to go on at 6:30am. So my cellphone alarm clock goes off just a minute before, then followed by the radio. I don’t know how many guys go through this, but the first song that I hear in the morning usually sticks in my mind for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, this is the first thing I heard this morning:
“I’m T Paaaaaaaaain, you know meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
The fuck? Dadii, change station. Quick!
“Let’s talk money, I’ll talk baaaaaaaaaaaaack!”
Where’s that bloody remote yawa!!! Hurry!! Before the ka punch line fikas…..
“Lemme buuuuuy you a ndweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeink!!!”
Oh drat. Now that’s going to be on my mind for the rest of the day… Alafu I finally located the remote and switched stations, only to hear
“Nobaddy wanna see us togeeeeeeeeeeeeeeder…….”
Aki leo mumeamua? Switched to third station (Capital) only to get Chris Brown
You can be my cinderellaaaaaaaa ella eeeee eeeee eeeeee…”
I didn’t require further prompting to switch off the stereo. Alafu I peeped out of the window, took a look at that gloomy weather, wondering why I’m waking up alone…in such oh so morning glorious convenient weather. And I’d forgotten to put on the water heater last night.
Speaking of weather, Nairobi is FOOOREEEEZING!!!!! I thought I was lucky to have skived the South African winter coz right now I’d be visiting relas in Jo burg, where I’m told it recently snowed for the first time in twenty something years. I pity those having to survive sub zero temperatures down in Jozi. But it’s not that better in Nairobi!
So I was at Carni (for the first time in three years) on Saturday night with this character and also that one, but they went off to wiggle their behinds on the dancefloor, leaving those like me with two left feet huko outside near that joint for Dormans Coffee…si you know it? Ya, I was pale pale having a White Cap and despite having on a heavily padded winter jacket (it was bought in Finland, but do I say?) then there was this specimen in a micro mini skirt parading her waithera legs (Chatterly 2007)…..IN THAT COLD!!!!
I’m estimating it was somewhere about 8 or 9 degrees, I’m freezing mpaka the guadoz then these tu young things are running around in hot pants and micro minis? It was so cold mpaka I put aside the beer and got myself some steaming coffee from Dormans and sat my arse by the fireplace.
Then Ms waithera legs shows up to ota some fire, so I asked her “My dear, when you were leaving your house, didn’t you consider the weather before you put on that skirt?”
“No! As long as I look good, that’s all that matters!”
With THOSE tu legs? HA!! But clearly, fashion knows no weather!
Anyway, back to present day. I went to have an eye test done in Westi this morning, it was raining at the time. I parked the car, looked left, looked right…hakuna yellow jacket (City Council parking attendants). After all, they’re not paid enough to stand in the rain and clamp vehicles.
Shock on my diabz! I emerged from the optometrist’s 20 minutes later to find a clamp firmly wrapped around my front wheel!!!! And a note informing me to go to City Hall to pay the 1,070 bob required to un-clamp the car.
Now, it was raining and yaani me and public transport hatusikizani. Ati I take a jav to tao, walk to City Hall in the rain, queue for heaven knows how long, pay the fine, walk back to the stage in the rain and take a jav back to Westi and look for kanjo to un-clamp the car? Those are jokes bana! And I had two hours to pay the fine otherwise they’d tow the car to Parklands Police Station.
I looked for the idiot who had clamped the car and asked WTF was up with that! Tried arguing with him. My logic was that at the time that I parked the car, he was nowhere to be seen. Then I’d only been gone for about 20 minutes, AND I was in the shop right in front of where I’d parked. The dude didn’t want to listen, he refused to be bribed (come on guys, we need SOME corruption!!!) and talking to him was like trying to reason with a brick, so out of frustration, I pulled out a cigarette and lit it…..
I didn’t understand why Kanjo suddenly became so excited and stretched out his right hand. This is why.
What’s supposed to be on my playlist
The next Sh*t – Pharaohe Monche feat Busta Rhymes
A.O.B
The Bloggers’ meet up is still on for this Saturday 14th July. If you’re still interested in coming along, contact Aegeus (Chairman of the DisOrganization Committee) on mblink.n [@] gmail [.] com and he’ll email you the final details by tomorrow. See y’all on Saturday!!
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Random vibes…then I’m out!
Posted: July 4, 2007, 6:58 pm by archer
I’ve just checked out the new Chelsea FC away kit for the 2007-2008 sesaon and I’m in SHOCK!!!
Well, perhaps I should be, seeing that they call this electricity yellow. Wacheni jokes bana! WTF is this? I’m a patriotic fan who buys all kits for the season but haki ya nani there’s no way I’m buying this one. You guys have clowned vi-excess!! So now what colour will the referees wear?
“When the concept for the kit was discussed with the board and the players, the over riding theme was to develop a kit that matched the ambitions of the club”
Yaani you guys seriously discussed this? Ok…then what happened?
“Chelsea has a great tradition of wearing yellow and we wanted to push the barriers by introducing a new twist on the traditional shade. This is where electricity yellow came in!”
Oh yes we do but the previous kits were nowhere near this bad!
1999-2000 3rd kit….this was nice
and so was the 2000-2001 3rd kit…
Boy am I glad that I got my customized 2006-2007 away jersey before they phased it out!
OK maybe the new kit isn’t sooooooo bad, ama what do you guys think?
No, it IS bad!! This will definitely take a lot of getting used to.
FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK!!
We’ve always known Sports Minister and Starehe MP Maina Kamanda not to have completely evolved from a Zinjanthropus in terms of his mannerisms. He’s the guy who famously called Raila Odinga “kumanina” at a public rally some years ago. Anyone remember that incident?
I really don’t know what happened to him after he was appointed a minister, but whichever school he went to evolve closer to a homo sapiens, we need to send some other clowns there. These days Kamanda is actually a distinguished gentleman!
This past weekend, the ever abrasive Norman Nyagah, Government Chief Whip and soon to be the former member of Parliament for Kamukunji went on the assault against Kamanda, calling him all manner of unsavoury names while at a rally in Kamukunji (shortly before his own constituents booed him) and he challenged Kamanda to reply to those matusiz, and if he (Kamanda) did, Nyagah would have more abyooooozes in store!
I would be the last person to imagine that Kamanda would emerge from church the next morning preaching peace and maturity, and choosing not to get embroiled in a name calling war with Nyagah, thus making Nyagah appear like a complete idiot.
Poor Norman, wewe ndiye FOKOJEMBE wa wiki hii!!
A.O.B
Can’t ODM-K just disintegrate already? I’m sick and tired of having to watch/read/hear/ of their “crisis meetings” during every news bulletin from dawn to dusk. It’s obvious that no-one is willing to step down for the other, not with the millions that they’ve spent on marketing themselves.
If they’re this disorganized in choosing a presidential andidate, just imagine what kind of government they would form if (God forbid) they were to win this year’s elections. A very confused government that would be.
SASA NIMEFUNGA JOB!!
Eh… that hiatus that I’ve been talking about, yes that one. I think it’s about time I took it.
I’ve lost blog mojo, these days it’s not easy for me to think up posts, certainly not as easy as it used to be. In other words, I’ve burnt out kiasi, therefore this is the last post that you’re likely to read from Archer for quite a while.
(at least I’m courteous enough to inform y’all in advance!) I’ll be back….. soon. Don’t ask how long coz I don’t know either! But this is not leave pending retirement, so I WILL definitely be back.
Behave yourselves!
What’s on my Playlist?
Break you off - The Roots
Blah blah blah
Fish cakes
Alas a fish cake.
Yet more fish cakes
Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.
The end of the fish cakes
