Items by Tamaku

Diary of a gay Kenyan

• How to make love to a woman

  Posted: September 1, 2010, 6:35 pm by Tamaku

  Hi diary. What have I been up to? Well this morning Imelda and I decided to go to Nairobi's Central Business district, something we very rarely do. The streets are just too crowded and it feels as if one is always navigating around people who stop to chat in the middle of the sidewalks oblivious of other pedestrian traffic. Anyway we parked the car at the Stanley carpark where the Nakumatt store that was destroyed by fire used to be. Then we made our way along Kimathi Street, Imelda was making me laugh saying that I should have worn that scarf I recently knitted for George because I was saying how cold I was in just a t-shirt. It's ridiculous that Nairobi is still chilly in the mornings even now in September.
  
  We looked at some shop windows along Mama Ngina Street and went into Bata just next to Dormans where I treated Imelda to a lovely pair of brown Hush Puppies. She was over the moon with them. I was too with the free gift of a hijab which I got as part of the Eid Mubarak promotion that Bata have on at the moment. After that we popped into Dormans for an early lunch. I had grilled beef kebabs with sorrowful looking chips and served with a slice of tomato and a slice of cucumber! Imelda had a fish curry served with fried vegetable rice and a more substantial side salad.
  
  I was feeling sleepy after the meal so Imelda drove us back home. I've just turned on my laptop sitting in the garden thinking about that hijab which I plan to wear for George coming home from work today. We can have some role play, I think I'll ask him to call me Shaafia for one night only, lol! I wanted to know how to wear the hijab like the alluring Kenyan Muslim women that fascinate me so much when I see them on the streets so I decided to ask google how. When I typed 'how to..' the top suggestion that showed up was 'how to make love to a woman'....Hmmmm. Surely.Tamaku

  
  

• Where am I?

  Posted: August 27, 2010, 2:44 pm by Tamaku

  I'm all alone at Heathrow waiting to board BA 65 for Nairobi after 3 days in London. Weather's been miserable as usual, lots of rain showers. I can't wait to get back home even though I'll miss today's celebrations to mark our new Constitution. But I'll be with you all in spirit, in fact I'm just popping over to the Crown Rivers Bar in the departure lounge for a quick double. I know it's naughty at this hour but just this once, ok. Cheers my dears!Tamaku

  
  

• What I did on Wednesday

  Posted: August 14, 2010, 7:44 pm by Tamaku

  Woke up in the morning just before 8 to find George had already left for work. After a quick shower and change I came downstairs to the kitchen where Imelda had my breakfast waiting. I find it too chilly nowadays to sit out in the veranda in the morning. Imelda asked me, did you have a nice sleep and I lied and said yeah we even had the most amazing sex. Truth is I hadn't been getting any, George is working late at a new site on Ngong Road where they're fitting CCTV and other security gadgets. So in fact it had been one month, two days, nine hours and forty-two minutes since we last mauled each other. Anyway after Imelda cleared away the plates I asked her what about you Mel, are you getting your pipes cleaned out regularly, she laughed coyly and said don't worry Tam, a girl always finds a way. Hmmmm ok. I said good, let me know if I can be of any assistance or there's any facilitation required towards fulfilling that enterprise. Note to self: must remember to get Imelda some new rechargeable batteries for her bedroom 'sat nav'.
  
  Ten o'clockish Zawadi, my friend Mike’s wife, came by bearing gifts (pun intended). I'd done some work last week for Mike and some other of his business associates. We never discussed pay, I've often said to people whenever I accept to do consultancy work to pay me what they think is fair. Some of you would say 10 shillings but that's just to be mean. Most times it actually works, so I took the 330k that you see here and said thanks very much Zawa, not bad for three days’ work. Don't worry Mr KRA, I'll file on time. Sorry, what's that about 'itemise all earnings', I'm slightly deaf in one ear you know, haha.
  
  Then I went online to deal with some mail, I also read Cassandrae's blog which is just insane because I've not come across that level of psychosis recently. But it's funny and clever unlike this blog. When I finished I came back to the kitchen and we had a lettuce, pears and olives salad with some garlic bread and prosciutto ham. Imelda needed to be at college(accountancy) by 2pm so we got in the car and she drove leisurely till Parklands via Sarit Centre where we stopped so I could stick the 300k in the bank.
  
  
  The lovely teller called Stella - I think she's in love with me - she asked in a lost girl's voice where have you been Bwana Tamaku, I said shughuli mingi with work and stuff but now I'm here and so happy to see you. I was thinking hello darling I've got an ATM card why would I want to be in the bank every day. However I do encourage women of all shapes and breast sizes by flirting back at them like a good Bashanova so I leaned closer to the window and said you're never out of my mind Stesh in fact right now you're driving me out of it, oh and blue really is your colour, you sexy minx you. She giggled back the squeal that a dolphin would understand to mean come and take me right now here on this counter I don't care if the other customers want to watch. I said cool it baby by fanning yourself with this 1000 shillings note when you go for lunch, nice day mwah, mwah. Then I grabbed my receipt and escaped back to the car.
  
  I stayed in Parklands, went to the sports club and did some cycling while thinking about lots of stuff like Isaiah 58:Verses 1 to 14 (one of my favs - the only ones I can recite from memory). I thought what if the Belmez Faces are really true, and who stole my pet kitten Daisy when I was only six years old which is when my heart was first broken into little pieces. Could that be the root cause for my homosexuality - a pussy snatched from a boy? Definitely some food for thought there. I still had my Oakley black whiskers shades and earphones on listening to Mbilia Bel’s Nakei Nairobi - it's simply genius, makes me sad and happy at the same time, nostalgia sometimes has that effect too.
  
  Afterwards I did some weights to tone up my wrists and neck muscles and then had a shower. Because I'd sweated so much I didn't pee in the cubicle nor did I rub one out though I must admit I was feeling very horny from the lack of it. I also had two sneaky cigarettes in the car. When I was still in the car park George rang and asked where are you I said I'm at Parklands Sports Club. He said wait for me I'm coming. So it was a wonderful surprise, prophetic even, because we picked up Imelda and drove home like the happy family we are and then later that night George and I really got off. I'm surprised you didn't hear us if you live around Kiambu Road, the racket we caused, woooiii, hehehe.Tamaku

  
  

• Scarecrows like Apostle Dorothy Kweyu can’t walk the talk

  Posted: August 12, 2010, 7:23 pm by Tamaku

  I’d like those of you who haven’t done so to meet Dorothy Kweyu, world-renowned thinker who happens to be revise editor at Kenya’s most successful media stable. Dee is also a shining beacon of everything Christian and how to raise the perfect kids as she often likes to remind her readers. Her least successful exploit though is as a mother. Why do I say that? Her hobby, when she’s not shaking the tambourine to O When The Saints Go Marching In, is gay bashing and preaching intolerance. Lately this has also become her specialist subject at work. This Dorothy is no friend.
  
  People like Dee with their Victorian prudery do a great disservice to children whom they fervently wish to imbue an alien moral and social code at odds with modern life. They make poor parents because of their blissful ignorance hiding behind the scriptures whenever their capacity to further interrogate their own particular sense of sexual morality is called to question. They can only regurgitate some verse from an over-thumbed Old Testament promising the wrath of God over matters they disagree. DK, you’ll find that kids nowadays need more than just ‘because I tell you so.’
  
  Dotty is obsessed with the lives of gay and lesbian citizens seeing them as the greatest evil that has permeated all parts of everyday Kenyan life. When a matatu driver cuts her up while approaching a roundabout - assuming she drives a car and not a horse-drawn carriage - it's because he must be sitting on an unlubricated buttplug. Of course he is driving like a maniac because he's dashing off for a quick shag with the conductor. People like her often blame others for their inadequacies. Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, she probably thinks the reason she hasn't made the higher echelons is because she refuses to crop her hair and wear combat trousers to work.
  
  Dorothy will find it a compliment when I say she has been uneconomical with the truth because I’m a gay man and therefore an ‘abomination’ to her god and fellow men. I’ve also read some rather unflattering things said about St. Dorothy. You can read them here. She is misusing her position by espousing personal prejudices in the national press by writing homophobia-filled articles and only choosing to invite 'expert' input from right-wing Christian doctors who share her bigotry. NMG take note, this kind of unbalanced journalism is unhealthy.
  
  I actually wanted to call Ms Kweyu a Christian Taliban but that would be unfair on the real Taliban who are at least prepared to die for what they believe in. In the previous piece she revealed how she went against her conscience to revise for publication a story about gay acceptance in church. That's why I've taken it upon myself to revise the work of the revise editor.
  
  On account of that admission alone it’s not surprising that Dot has slipped up and highlighted that she also lacks the courage of her convictions.Tamaku

  
  

• Red or Green We Are All Kenyans

  Posted: August 3, 2010, 11:45 pm by Tamaku

  
  
  Whatever the outcome of tomorrow's Referendum, let's all preach peace. xx xxxTamaku

  
  

• Diasporic Acid

  Posted: August 1, 2010, 4:12 pm by Tamaku

  I continue to do my bit to expand the vocabulary for Kenyanese speakers. ‘Diasporic acid’ is a phrase which one can use to describe vitriolic postings on Mashada.com or Misterseed.com by some Kenyans who now live toil in Kansas or Essex. These mainly homophobic commentators in the Diaspora like to trade vile insults that would cause offense to a drunken sailor on all manner of petty or imagined issues taking place back at home. Invariably these spats never fail to expose primal tribal tensions. It's a fact that some of the worst post election violence in Kenya's history was witnessed on poorly moderated internet forums and chat rooms all in the name of free speech.
  
  It's easy to spot a recently returned acidic diasporian on the streets of Nairobi by the over-sized baggy jeans, baseball tops, Timberlands and fake bling acquired after months of double shifts at Grange Acres Care Home. Brimming with a sackful of Dorahs, Pauds and sometimes Urohs they'll dazzle locals with their largesse at Simmers on a Tuesday afternoon. Don't forget the newly acquired accents which come on and off like Oprah's weight. Words that have an ‘i’ are suddenly pronounced with an é - taxi, Nairobi even Uchumi become taxé, Naérobé, Uchumé. I take my hat off to the poor but calculating local getting thus entertained to death. In exchange for the free beer and food they have to feign puppy-dog concentration by nodding happily to marathonic monologues that include ‘..back in the UK every dog has a dentist...’ or ‘..Shakira lives in my hood in New Jersey.....’
  
  A month later having spent a small fortune on booze, insatiable relatives, a serviced apartment with jacuzzi and fitted sluts these lonely, drained and dejected characters are easily recognisable at JKIA waiting to board a flight back to the Lands of Plenty where a dingy bedsit and eye watering credit card bills await.
  
  Example of use
  
  Non-resident Kenyan: Fo shizzle ma nizzle, I could murder a bizzle*. Where the nearest KFC at?
  
  Resident Kenyan: Man, you’ve got a bad case of diasporic acid!
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  *Buffalo to you and meTamaku

  
  

• The Games they won’t be showing on TV

  Posted: July 30, 2010, 1:41 am by Tamaku

  
  
  2010 Gay Games start tomorrow in Cologne. Will Kenya bag a medal?Tamaku

  
  

• New look

  Posted: July 29, 2010, 9:32 pm by Tamaku

  Hey, how are my fellow homos, lezzies, t-girls, bi’s and straights? Hope you are all well and happy enjoying life.
  
  I was bored with the other blog template so I decided to go for a new look. Also Lindsay said she didn’t like the previous one because of the colours. So here we go yet again. Happy with this one sweetie? This particular template is Ribena-red and not Rutonomics-red, lol. You should all know by now that I’m all for passing the draft Constitution on August 4th. Nothing much been happening with us lately, just sleep a lot, play scrabble, cook sometimes and wait for it - I’m even learning how to knit!! Yes, I’m knitting George a scarf which he has promised to wear in the evenings when we go out. Imelda has been teaching me how to weave some magic with wool. I must admit it’s very enjoyable, I might even knit some legwarmers for him keeper-of-the-key-to-my-heart. I'm not sure if he'll wear them to work, hahaha. Otherwise I’m bored as hell waiting for next week when lives will resume with a renewed hope for the future (fingers crossed).
  
  I’ll be back soon. Just tell me what you think about the template. Love ya. xxx xxxTamaku

  
  

• It’s Referendum Not Referendumb!

  Posted: July 25, 2010, 9:14 pm by Tamaku

  Hello diary. Well, it’s now just 10 short days before we vote for the chance to usher in a New Order. Lies are being peddled by desperate politicians who think they are still the penis of Kenya. Unimaginatively they continue to cultivate the regressive politics of fear. It’s a fact that they are champions of a primitive but dangerous conspiracy driven by ambition to attain higher office at whatever cost. It must not succeed. We are warned that the draft Constitution is not the right one by a tyrant who was at the helm during those dark decades of brutal misrule, looting orgies and assassinations. Fathers, mothers, sons and daughters were tortured. Countless were denied their rights by those who now assume the moral high ground. We may forgive the oppressor but we will never forget their wickedness.
  
  Embedded within this group are the feudal lords who shamelessly traverse the country aboard helicopters while we know that they even stole morsels from the mouths of Kenya’s orphans. It’s unfortunate that they still walk free brandishing trademark rungus (some gold-tipped, others beaded) to tell us what to be afraid of but not what to be hopeful for. Thankfully citizens are much wiser and have the courage to say that the emperor and his coterie in the Red corner wear no clothes. Today the majority of Kenyans are ready to step up and deliver that knockout punch.
  
  There comes a moment in life for some very tough decisions. I am excited to feel these refreshing winds of change blowing from the horizon. Young and not so young know that the time is upon us to move this country forward - a date with destiny when patriots must make the selfless defining choice for the common good. My fellow Kenyans, we are also presented with a rare opportunity to heal some of the wounds from the post election violence that almost destroyed our great nation.
  
  That’s why I am asking you to do what is right for your country come 4th August 2010; please vote YES for the change we all deserve.Tamaku

  
  

• Child Sexual Abuse

  Posted: July 19, 2010, 3:42 am by Tamaku

  Who is the person in this report, now accused of abusing kids while purporting to run an orphanage?
  
  I have my suspicions about the identity but we shall have to wait until police release further details...Tamaku

  
  

• Why I’ll not be going to the Crusade in the Park

  Posted: July 18, 2010, 11:00 pm by Tamaku

  Hosting a ‘Crusade’ is a popular weekend business practiced by Kenyan televangelists who also dabble in politics. Kenyan crusaders like to preach louder than a marauding elephant blowing a vuvuzela and insist on tithing (called giving testimoney) from the mainly unemployed, slum-dwelling sunburned followers perhaps because their god is not only partially deaf but also has an expensive coke habit. However they won't pay taxes nor publish audited accounts because they are busy fighting minorities such as Muslims and gays from flower-decked shaded podiums. They are driven in top of the range marques proudly flaunting Dunghill suits, Roberto Calvary shirts and tarnished Submarina Rolexes all bought from a stall in Garissa Lodge for two thousand shillings. The second hand has dropped off and is now just rattling inside the case. You'll find them getting their teeth flossed and ears dewaxed in the treatment room of a mansion fit for a Liberace.
  
  Unbeknown to them, these televangelists harbour deep-seated feelings of self-loathing and hatred of a painful peasant pedigree which explains the obsession with being reborn again. Whatever you do never ever mention abortion unless it's for the 16 year old daughter who recently got knocked up by the watchman. In mitigation a televangelist will say that's a special case to weed out the abnormal recessive genes of poverty and ignorance.
  
  Crusade leaders are renowned for their huge shiny foreheads which they use to dazzle audiences into mass hysteria with deadly success. That’s why too much crusading often leads to a form of intense multiple orgasms sometimes known as seeing the Glory or talking gibberish while thrashing about on the floor and frothing at the lips (both sets, ehehehe) - a phenomenon not dissimilar to the effects of a sustained tongue-licking on da spot, yeah baby right there. In the process you’ll also lose your Nokia N8 - the one with the porn clips - to a fellow sheeper.
  
  Example of use:
  
  Man 1: Jesus Christ man! Why are you walking around with a 9 inch bulge in your trousers?
  
  Man 2 (not JC): I'm going to that crusade next weekend at Tononoka grounds. All the bitches bishops will be there.Tamaku

  
  

• A beheading took place in Uganda....

  Posted: July 10, 2010, 12:15 am by Tamaku

  .....but which account of events is the correct one?
  
  
  
  Beheaded Ugandan NOT an LGBT Activist
  orGay Kenya's Statement On Beheading of LGBT ActivistTamaku

  
  

• Bashanova

  Posted: July 6, 2010, 1:17 am by Tamaku

  This is a new word that I’ve coined to describe a secretly gay man who plays around with women’s emotions by getting them to fall hopelessly in love with him. It’s formed from the Swahili word for homosexual - Basha - and the name of that serial heart-breaker, Casanova. A Bashanova’s actions help him cope with the burdens our conservative society places on his sexuality.
  
  Bashanova-ing involves targeting women by graciously accepting to accompany them on shopping expeditions for devilish lingerie and outfits. He never complains about the time spent waiting outside changing rooms and will never ever say it’s time to go watch Ghana vs Uruguay. Instead he’ll suggest that they enjoy double deep heat treatments and seaweed masks at a spa. Intimate lattes at Dormans after work are standard followed by going back to her place where he’ll conjure up a sumptuous lasagne from scratch before cuddling together on the sofa to watch multiple episodes of Ugly Betty while nibbling on chocolate and sipping icy Baileys. A successful Bashanova is the envy of other men because women want to spend so much time with him from the minute they look into his eyes. Women swear that they can hear the sound of their ovaries pinging like an elevator when he brushes his hands on their hair. Not surprisingly, he also understands that sex is not everything and that true love waits, yada, yada, yada - he might even whisper the L word but only on the phone when he calls to check whether she received the flowers he sent to the office on Monday morning.
  
  I’m sure some of you have also come across these Bashanovas. Sadly a true Bashanova can never be converted although many women will attempt all manner of tricks in a futile attempt to move their relationship to the next level.Tamaku

  
  

• Private thoughts of a Kenyan MP

  Posted: July 3, 2010, 9:54 pm by Tamaku

  My name is Bure Kabisa, Member of Parliament (or BK to my dear mother) from a constituency here in Kenya.
  
  I've heard so much anger in the last couple of days directed against the enviable joys of being a Kenyan MP demanding extra salary and I'm happy to note that most of you are being patriotic Kenyans with all this hypocrisy. True to form, even that Tamaku had the temerity to call our craft Politricks! I'd like to catch him and teach him a few tricks myself especially now that he's unemployed. But not alone with him in a room because I AM NOT GAY,OK?
  
  Can I first say that you should expect us to cheat because you have also been up burning the midnight oil scheming ways to bend light with your moneyed bishops who are also very talented in distorting facts. In other words remember you can never defraud an honest man. What does that say about you?
  
  We don't care what you think about us because we live in blissful ignorance of the abject poverty surrounding us. I have many ways to spend your cold cash such as paying for my mistress Claire to get her eyelashes tinted in Bangkok every 3 months after getting her eyebrows threaded and shaped. Claire is fond of traveling so last year I cooked up a 10 day trip to Canada which you all paid for. Business class of course so that we could later enjoy romantic weekends in Mombasa on the airmiles. She especially loved Dildo (the place in Newfoundland, duh! not the other one which is man's greatest rival). Have I told you that Claire is the age of my daughter who is still in college abroad on a fully funded scholarship? Some of you will call me a sexual predator, however because I have money and can get anyone I want, I see myself as the victim for choosing to be with her as well as a few others on the side. My logic used to amuse my teachers but who's laughing now. Things are not always as they appear so you should never rush to judge. But you are allowed to when you are prepared to pay him a handsome bribe. By the way Claire is my favorite with her firm caramel apple butt which I enjoy regularly, thanks to Pfizer for Viagra. I know she loves me for my game. Again I AM NOT GAY, I like to think of myself as a gangster so I guess it’s fair to say that Claire is my bangster. Some nights we bang five times until I feel like I'm having a heart attack therefore it's wise to use my time in parliament to catch a few winks and just rest. It's not easy when you're over 60...
  
  You people on the other hand have never had a taste of the good life so you will only squander any money on basics like foodstuffs for your children. Have you got any idea how much charcoal grilled spiny rock lobster, flambéed with brandy and served in lemon butter sauce at the Tamarind costs nowadays? I like it accompanied with baby carrots and mixed salad leaves so my shit doesn't stink. Jeez, by the way why do you people have children you can't afford, just breeding like rabbits? Tsk,tsk.
  
  Day in day out you waste time shouting yourselves hoarse about our pay and perks which are our honorable right, why don't you just go out there somewhere (don’t ask me where) and make money because that is also your right.  I'm getting sick of attending your fundraisers, do you realise that goat meat is not good for my cholesterol? That's the reason once you’ve tasted a good tuna steak there's no turning back. Surely when do you expect me to use my golf club membership when you also want to see me in parliament debating? Really, I pity you guys, don't you have places to go and get pampered on a Tuesday afternoon like have a massage with extras...nyenyenye, all you do is talk bad about us. What have we done, nothing! A bad pain in the ass you all are. All together now, BK IS NOT GAY!!!
  
  And I don't want to hear dirty questions like 'accountability' with the CDF money because I let my wife's brother use that to top up his beer money.
  
  Remember we already have a deal: you only voted for me because of my tribe, stop pretending now that you were after service delivery and diligence to duty.
  What I am saying is quit blaming others for the problems you create because you won’t take responsibility for your own destiny.
  
  See you in 2012 around March time, it will be my pleasure to do it all again.
  
  Bure Kabisa MPTamaku

  
  

• Politricians

  Posted: July 1, 2010, 3:00 am by Tamaku

  Definition: Poli-tri-shans (n). Current crop of tax-evading Kenyan MPs who should never be trusted. Highly skilled in the art of stealing the taxes of poor citizens who vote for them. Also known as the hardworking, thieving rogues who give a bad name to owners of Range Rover Vogues.Tamaku

  
  

• Who is the cause of Raila’s headache?

  Posted: June 30, 2010, 12:58 pm by Tamaku

  When I heard news that the Prime Minister was in hospital for a minor operation to relieve pressure outside his brain which we are told was causing him headaches, I thought please let everything turn out ok because there’s nothing routine about that part of the body. I’m glad to hear he’s doing fine after the drive-by scalping (hey, I'm not a doctor) because excess pressure like a fart is better out than in.
  
  I’m a long time Raila fan. I used to like his fiery politics of 'socialism' when he was in Opposition but even now that he’s in the billionaire’s club he still retains a certain magnetism and has charisma in truckloads. I mean which other of our politicians could make a hospital gown and hideous cap look alluring?
  
  I wish him a speedy recovery, there’s work to be done. xx xxTamaku

  
  

• Sobering times for BP and UK

  Posted: June 28, 2010, 3:42 am by Tamaku

  
  Hint - for many years branding and PR used to be my bread and butter (I'm sorry).  Ridiculously, the global village today still finds itself even more driven by spin and posture. That’s why my observation of multi-billion BP’s handling of the Gulf Coast oil spill is so difficult to swallow.  Without a doubt, ‘Tony Hayward-I’d-Like-My-Life-Back,’ the public face of BP, was a huge PR blunder. Never go before a critical world media looking like you’ve still got a hallmarked silver-spoon lodged deep like a thick one between your oesophagus. Whichever way you look at it , unless  you are  Oprah Winfrey, you will surely get roasted because envy makes lesser men feel better about themselves.  Add to that, an unfortunate tan that looks like the guy was fished out of a barrel of sweet crude before being hosed down in duckling urine and paraded to defend the indefensible. There’s now premature talk of BP staring down the abyss of corporate oblivion but it’s the same talk that you hear from Western powers about Kabuga frolicking in a Nairobi suburb getting his grey hairs dyed to fool bounty hunters. However another lesson that I’ve learned is that it’ll never be clever to go against the grain unless you are one paunchy Diego Maradona tickling Tevez’s balls with a gouty-toe in a jacuzzi.  Which gets me to a crucial question: how much of the frothy stuff including Scotch whisky does one of our deputy prime minsters imbibe? Eish, really, can someone please tell him to go easy on the cause of life’s many problems.....Tamaku

  
  

• Baby Matthew has arrived

  Posted: June 26, 2010, 12:50 am by Tamaku

  Hello people, a lot has happened lately. I haven’t just been lazy and absent from the blog without good reason nor have I been away in Uganda to see mountain gorillas although that’s one of my Top Ten Things To Do Before I Die. Recently I changed the look just to give the blog a brighter look. I hope you tell me that you likey likey. My friend Sheila had her first baby two Mondays ago, a boy who premiered in at a whopping 5 kilos. I applaud Sheila who like many other women decided to keep the baby even when it’s father did a Houdini the second she announced the pregnancy. Long story for another day. When I arrived late in the evening at the hospital  I found the actual  drama was already underway and the smiling Kenyan nazi at reception said I was not allowed in to see my friend. So I spent a chilly night at a nearby hotel till the next the morning.  George was on the phone to me until I fell asleep because he knows just how attached I am to my pal. Well, I can’t even start to tell you  just how overwhelming it was to meet my latest godson, something powerful and heart-warming tugged deep inside me that I actually shed tears. 
  When I spoke to a sleepy Sheila I asked her whether childbirth had been as painful as having a battalion of safari ants chewing away at her privates. She bit hard on her lower lip slowly shaking her head: ‘Tamaku?’
  I said, ‘Yes?’
  She continued: ‘You know the pain you feel when you shit a fat del monte pineapple from Thika?’ My eyes watered as I nodded because I could imagine it was no walk in the park.  ‘Yes Sheila, I can appreciate that…’
  She laughed wryly and cut me short: ‘No Tam. I’ve got news for you and all the men out there. You need to imagine having that whole pineapple shoved up back inside you and then yanked out. Times 100. Hehe, giving birth is no joke but looking at my son now I can say it has all been worth it.’
  I went silent  and started sweating just thinking about the generosity of all the women across the world who choose motherhood. On behalf of all men folk let me say we will never be able to repay you, thank you so much mums.
  A day later I got Sheila and beautiful baby Matthew back home and I’ve been spending a lot of enjoyable time at their flat. The other day when Sheila was breastfeeding her son she said to me I never thought that one day I’d be showing you my boobs Tamaku, and thanks so much for being here for us both. I smiled and said it’s the least that I should do and don’t worry about the nipples that Matt is sucking on because if all people  felt at ease with themselves and didn't  bother to cover their dolly partons then the global economic downturn would never have happened. It's the simple things that give joy.
  Happy days indeed, even the endless changing of diapers and getting baby sick down inside my shirt when I burp him over my shoulder. This is bliss. Tamaku

  
  

• Even the wildlife here is homophobic (twisted version)

  Posted: June 6, 2010, 3:40 am by Tamaku

  The sad news of the lion attack at Chipangali this week reminded me of our own camping trip at a game reserve a few months ago. We had to go au naturel under our shorts for three sweaty days but looking as camp as a row of tents (sorry) because Imelda ‘forgot’ to pack us extra underwear. When I grilled her later (over hot coals, lol, just kidding) she said she did it for a laugh. My friends, you can only imagine the pain when you get a scrotum-pube pulled because it got stuck to your shorts which have wedged themselves into a crevice in a hot car seat and then you move suddenly. On account of that I said to Imelda, when she confessed, how would she like it if I ’forgot’ to pay her salary so I don’t think she’ll be repeating that in a hurry. Anyway George and I shared this small two-man tent (very cosy), it was exciting camping outdoors even though the shared toilets and showers were in a separate block, nothing ritzy like this, just clean and functional.
  
  We went with a lesbian couple named Maria and Andrea - Andy for short, but it’s Maria who runs that roost judging from her flat chest, half-inch sides and back and the absence of make-up not even a speck of mascara but I could be wrong. I let Maria sit in front, her full arm which was sporting beaded bangles draped on the door with George driving my car while Andy and I rode bitch-style on the back seats. We’d met the couple on our travels last year and when they came to Kenya to visit their families they decided to take a short break with us. Kenya Tourism Board, what have you done for me lately, I think you need to start paying me commission for all this work I’m doing. We recently discovered what a useful ploy it is for Kenyan gay men to double date with lesbians because you can fool many a homophobic hotelier who will then rush to welcome a pedophile sex tourist and a poor kiddie in tow with open arms.
  
  The first night after dinner, around the open fire-pit and many drinks later (yep, our money’s worth), everyone was ready for their sleeping bag or whatever. Andy and Maria announced that it would be a good idea to sleep outside their tent, for a taste of the real heartbeat of Afrika. They wanted to sleep outside at night in the middle of a game reserve. You know, just like Adam who was not made for Steve (yawn) used to with Eve. Oh yeah? Really? It’s also in the Bible that "Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." - Leviticus 19:19, so all ‘Christians’ need to check the labels on all their clothes.
  
  I said to Andy and Maria I don't think it’s such a clever idea because I heard a story of a tourist years ago who was sleeping under the stars outside his tent in a game reserve here. Spotted hyenas attacked him in the middle of the night ripping his whole face off. Can you imagine the two seconds when he woke up to find himself looking inside a slavering mouth? I shudder to think, but it’s a second unflattering definition for giving head. Not lol.
  
  Before we all went to our tents I joked that perhaps we should all feel very safe because no self-respecting hyena would be seen dead with a lesbian thigh or gay buttock in it’s jaws. It’s considered taboo and too unAfrican.
  
  Tamaku

  
  

• ‘Safaricum’ spurts out the good stuff

  Posted: May 28, 2010, 3:03 am by Tamaku

  Thank you Michael Joseph and staff -MJ, how about a moonwalk at the next AGM? - for guiding Safaricom to spectacular profits and an improved divi yield in a challenging environment. I’ve been waiting for the results ever since that evening when I realised just how expensive your network is for browsing gay porn on my netbook as I waited for George sitting in the carpark at Fogo Gaucho. I try not to be too antisocial so I didn’t jump on the restaurant’s wifi and gobble up their bandwith. A couple of times you’ve even left me hanging just when I was starting to enjoy taking matters into my own hands. So I hope you’ll appreciate this picture - your modem which beams to me those delightful filims, and a representation of the proverbial cash cow (here modeled by George’s piggy bank).
  My patience has paid off - as they say it’s been good business doing pleasure with you. Which reminds me, I heard an analyst on the telly the other night speaking with a corrupted American twang advising that Safaricum is an accumulate and hold for generous medium term gains.
  That’s music to some ears.
  Tamaku

  
  

• Even Charles Darwin can’t explain Quincy Timberlake

  Posted: May 23, 2010, 1:30 am by Tamaku

  People, I really feel your confusion having to watch this trio once again hogging our airwaves. Many men have written, words inked in email-tears of anguish, to tell me they are in Esther-shock but I pleaded with them please don’t chop off your dicks because this is not a new phenomenon. The pain of disappointment does subside once you start dating other men as it happened to me years ago when I heard the news that Whitney was marrying Bobby.
  
  I’ve also been really struggling to understand this Quincy Timberlake. Presidential aspirant Hellon seems harmless enough, in fact I think he’s been over metrosexualised. Just check out those long manicured surgeon’s fingers and the delicate baby curls, aaww, how sweet. Just what we want in a president because that’s how you can tell the country will be in good hands. As for Esther, well you can’t say she doesn’t look like she’s getting it good and regular from hubby Quincy also known as Zuma Wambita. I mean just because his brain isn’t working properly doesn’t mean his slim shady won’t stand up and do a real job. You can bet there’s a lot of nightly babbling wooowiii, wooowiii out of Mrs Timberlake, it’s written on her face the way her fringe is flourishing, and everyone knows it in their heart of hearts that she must be on to some seriously good zuma wam-beating it. So let’s just put jealousy to one side.
  
  But Quincy as a person? He’s such a closed book perhaps because he‘s never opened one. And it’s painfully frustrating when he uses that language that only he speaks so fluently. I’ve tried my best to find a human who’ll teach me but to no avail. George is urging patience, he says come 2012 when the trio are in Statehouse, by a landslide, we’ll all get lessons because they’ll ask us over for sleepovers. We await in a state of anticipitalitis.
  
  Tamaku

  
  

• Mwangi delivers the goods (at least 250 gms) - final part

  Posted: May 23, 2010, 10:16 pm by Tamaku

  Continued from here:
  
  Mwangi went up the ladders which I held up against the wall for him so that I could get a glimpse of his undercarriage, only out of curiosity as any good homosexual can attest. I did this innocently the way women steal glances at other hotter women at the beach even when they aren’t lesbian. But if you get caught loitering at the bottom of staircases acting suspiciously don’t quote me. From my furtive, drooling inspection I could tell he was packing at least a quarter kilo of raw sausage and a pair of nuts encased in a loose scrotal dolly bag. I then pretended to go back to my book but the jumbled words did not make sense although I trusted myself enough to know I would never succumb to a temptation which might jeopardise what I have with George. Mwangi was up and down a few times during which he was getting more sweaty and appetising like a mutura on a hot charcoal grill.
  
  He then mixed some concrete and disappeared up on the roof for close to two hours during which time my ardour dampened, George came back from his shopping trip and Imelda started the dinner. When Mwangi started descending to announce he had the leak finally fixed, George was waiting expectantly because I’d told him there was an angel above. His eyes popped as I started to introduce them and George exclaimed to Mwangi imagine meeting you in our house and how have you been!! Yes, I stood in shock as they greeted each other like old friends. Apparently George knew Mwangi from when he used to go on Nairobi’s disjointed and unrewarding gay scene before he met me. What a small world it really is and phew thank heavens I didn’t try anything. I said thanks for fixing the leak and I’m confident it’s been a good repair. Mwangi said don’t worry if anything should go wrong he would be back at no extra cost. Then George came up with the idea that Mwangi should get showered and changed and join us for drinks and dinner, they needed to catch up. Mwangi didn’t need much convincing, so he went to the bathroom as we waited for a certain dinner guest.
  
  You remember when I told you about my friend who was looking for a lover, specifically one with a bbc? Well, Ken was coming to dinner that night, he still hadn’t had much success with bagging himself a boyfriend but I tell you when he clapped his eyes on Mwangi who was all scrubbed up looking like a torero ready to slay a bull and seated to my left at the table, sparks flew like an exhaust pipe scrapping on tarmac. They were all over each other like a rash on a baby’s bottom from cot crap. That night, much later, Ken and Mwangi left together and I felt that they had both found what it is many people are searching for. Since then Mwangi has also been on the phone to George thrice just to say how happy they both are. We wish them well for the future.Tamaku

  
  

• My fellow Kenyans, why do you love to hurt with your words?

  Posted: May 20, 2010, 2:46 pm by Tamaku

  Recently the LGBIT community held a soiree at the National Museum to commemorate International Day Against Homophobia(IDAHO). The irony of this is that our local media is now frothing even more vile homophobia.
  
  The Bible-thumping brigade, that had slept through a man slaughtering his five year old son, suddenly woke up claiming to be the Anointed Ones whose names are even written in the tablets of Moses. They thundered: ‘Homos, we-who-sin-not, have been sent from the Temple of Righteousness to supervise what you do in your bedrooms.’
  
  Their faces were twisted in hatred and burning with a lust for violence. They all cried ah-men, ah-men when I shut the door and refused to let them in because I am an adult and it‘s no one‘s business whom I choose to love. They left a message to say they would be back later to inspect the sheets.
  
  Many of these Kenyans were writing from Western capitals, where they are sojourned, over a delicious vente Mocha with one shot, iced, caramel sauce on the top and bottom, no whip, light on the ice, and 7 pumps of peppermint syrup about how more African they are and how they would fight tooth and nail until there were no more gay people left in Kenya.
  
  I smiled when I heard this and just went back to my game of scrabble with Imelda because I remembered we had all been down this road before. Much ado about nothing.Tamaku

  
  

• Mwangi delivers the goods (at least 250 gms)

  Posted: May 17, 2010, 1:24 am by Tamaku

  Let me tell you how we got sprinkled with magic last week. As I said earlier we had a leak up in the roof which was pouring a small but steady stream of water into all the buckets we could find. First guy up there was a bogus builder sent by a best friend (MICHAEL!!) who took two days and a fistful of shillings later announced he had the leak plugged. There had only been a pause in the torrential rains pounding these parts so of course that fix unraveled after he’d left. I got on the phone and spoke to Rasta, who is mummy’s trusted fixer and he said he’d send a very good fundi called Mwangi or Mwange, I didn’t catch the name initially, the next day. I said please send him without fail before upstairs turns into an indoor pond. As he hang up he added oddly in Kiswahili, utampenda sana (loosely translates to mean you’ll like him but I suspect he also wanted it to mean you’ll love him). Mmmm. Game on.
  
  The next day when George was away in the afternoon picking up a leg of pork from the butchers, the guard from KK guards brought dairy milk chocolate- brown complexioned Mwangi to the veranda where I was re-reading again that book about great courage and heroism called Barefoot Soldier. I put the book down and Mwangi shook my hand as I instinctively checked him out. I saw right away that here was a very handsome man with a friendly confident face standing before me in a faded lumberjack shirt and black jeans clinching a physique full of delightful promise and he had the whitest smile as if he regularly used close up menthol chilli toothpaste. Imelda fetched him a mug of tea as I explained what the problem was. He said he’d been very busy fixing roofs around our area due to their flattish designs which don’t allow water to run off quickly enough. And I can tell you that the deluge which has drenched this land is something close to epic; I just hope that people are storing all this water. I watched Mwangi speak with his eyes dancing and a tantalizing tongue-tip darting the corners of his dark lips. I was thinking to myself where have they been hiding you from me…
  
  I recovered my composure enough to ask Mwangi to come with me upstairs so he could see where the water was gushing through. I led the way and I could sense behind me he was taking in the nude art that I once bought from this gallery which lines up our stairs. When we got to the room there was so much tension between us and my gaydar was starting to beep beep beep, you know when you are being studied on so many levels - sexual, emotional, even nutritional potential (hehehe, bj, slurp, slurp) - then he said he was going up on the roof. He started to take off his shirt to change into his work overalls, so I excused myself and left the room with the door ajar before I could pass out and it would be Houston we have a problem. I waited in the corridor as he got changed where I accidentally voyeured a reflection of his magnificence on the cheval mirror. Meaty chest. Juicy ass. Succulent thighs. Fingerlicking delicious chicken. Luckily I got out of the way quickly before he caught me.
  
  To be continued….Tamaku

  
  

• Love (Feel no shame, come get some)

  Posted: May 17, 2010, 2:18 am by Tamaku

  Hello World! I knew there were so many ways to be in love even before I posted this dedication to the wonderful Lindsay. However that's not even the half of it. Truth is there’s enough love to go around if only we all open up our hearts but I don’t mean you should all become raving homos. Allow me to take very good care of that perversion. Years ago I was introduced to Anita Baker's music by ex-girlfriends who still remain much cherished friends. Mwaah, hey to you fabulous LO and MM, you know who you both are. Time for some more confessions - yes, I had many wonderful and beautiful girlfriends in the past - way before I acknowledged my persistent and explicit homosexuality . So, as you can see there’s enough deep and nondiscriminatory love to go all round. I hope you enjoy the vid, and have a great week ahead. Tomorrow I plan to tell all about what happened when a very hot and handsome repairman came to our house last week. xxx xxxx
  
  Tamaku

  
  

• When sleeping together is not about making any babies (with some extra sugar)

  Posted: May 13, 2010, 1:34 am by Tamaku

  Someone wrote to ask me how two men can sleep intimately together. So I thought I’d share with you on our favorite sleeping position on those evenings when we are not doing it.
  
  George likes to lie on his right side (facing away, I used to wonder why because he hasn’t got even a hint of halitosis and neither have I). I half-scoop him with my right forearm from behind, sort of midway up his back to clasp his left shoulder. I can only describe it like how a man places his arm on a woman’s back whilst leading in a ballroom dance but without stepping on delicate toes. Because George leans back to lie on this arm I usually wake up in the morning with that member partially numbed. I then slide my left arm under George’s, across his ribcage - like a pretend one-armed sideways Heimlich manoeuvre because he’s pulling me to him - to place my hand on the inside of his right shoulder where his stubbled-jaw rests for the night. Aaaahh, we sleep so closely together you wouldn’t get a bed bug in between but if there are any they can gladly have the other two-thirds of the mattress space.
  
  Falling asleep like this we both feel equally contented and safe, purring through moonlit, twinkling Nairobi starry nights as the curtains are caressed by the fragrant air, whispers of moisture from our flooded garden. Thank you dear God for all the rain you've sent us. We lie in this lovers’ embrace, dreaming of a distant fairyland where gay cherub angels, gently strumming harp-strings to Michael Bolton's How Am I Supposed to Live Without You, float softly away on carpets of fluffy clouds to eternal paradise. (I know, I think I might have over-sugared it just a tiny bit but I'm seriously all loved-up at the moment, lol. Sorry there are no naughty pictures).Tamaku

  
  

• For a favorite girl called Lindsay

  Posted: May 9, 2010, 5:56 am by Tamaku

  Tamaku

  
  

• Sorry to have kept you waiting, I’ve been very busy making love

  Posted: May 6, 2010, 3:23 am by Tamaku

  Time has flown by while Foreign Affairs Minister Wetangula and his posse of civil service mandarins were delicately finding the right tricks to cajole - successfully by the way, yippeee! - Dubai, to rescind that country’s earlier unfair visa rule for Kenyans. But at what cost still remains to be seen. When will people get it that Earth and all in it even Emirs are just God’s chattels? Meanwhile George and I seem to have discovered our second wind on this magical journey through life together. Our love and commitment to one another just gets stronger by the day, if the lust we’ve got for each other is something to go by. George has been with me at home on a week’s leave from work.
  
  I hope that last sentence explains the silence on my part for the past week or so. You see, we’ve been at it constantly - sometimes thrice a day, delightfully ignoring that archaic Kenyan law which says gay sex is "carnal knowledge against the order of nature." So if you’ve spotted a middle-aged-without-the-spread, bespectacled and goateed male of suspect androgynous appearance, shaking it (many accuse me of being a Sugar-Daddy) and a younger, athletic dish of a stud with a Maasai Moran’s fluid spring to his step (would be George, wrongly fingered as the Toy Boy) wandering through a Village Market in the afternoons and you thought jealously to yourself, that pair is wearing a dazed-look of sexual satiation on the face like the pussycat that got the cream, you know what, you wouldn’t be too far off the mark…..heheheheee..Tamaku

  
  

• Report on 'kamikaze' pilots raises more questions for Kenya Airways

  Posted: April 29, 2010, 1:01 am by Tamaku

  The eagerly awaited report released yesterday into the cause of the crash of Kenya Airways flight KQ 507 in Cameroon on 05/05/07 when 114 people lost their lives confirms nagging suspicions that pilot error was to blame. Premature, unhelpful and unsubstantiated leaks blaming the weather and exonerating the pilots have now been found to be false. The report is a devastating indictment of 'inadequate operational control, lack of crew coordination, coupled with the non-adherence to procedures of flight monitoring, confusion...' While not apportioning blame, I think the airline should do itself a big favour and hold some key people from the top tier accountable. It would be unwise to understate the importance of public perception in any business.
  
  For a while now there has been much buzz which refuses to go away pointing to effects of that insidious Kenyan culture of binge-drinking having seeped into some cockpits although that did not play a part in this event. The right questions will now have to be asked about the transparency of recruitment, issues dealing with staff welfare, development and reward. I still can't get my head around the fact that this aircraft took off into a storm without receiving proper clearance from Air Traffic Control while crews of Cameroon Airways and Royal Air Maroc chose to wait for weather conditions to improve.
  
  KQ management needs to appreciate that a majority of their Kenyan customers choose to use its services due to an unwavering sense of patriotism. However you should now expect us to rightly hold up aspects of your company's safety record to much harsher and tighter scrutiny. Remember also that continued custom will be bonded by an implicit condition that passengers are routinely entrusted to disciplined and capable hands.
  
  Kenya Airways, if you are listening, mercifully you got another chance and you still retain most of our trust but we want assurance that our faith is not misplaced, that lessons have been learned. Without doubt this trust should not be broken again even as you work harder to repay our loyalty and shareholder investment.
  
  Allow me to share with you again, Femi Kuti's 97 (it tugs at the heartstrings, please listen)- in memory of KQ507.
  
  
  Femi Kuti - 97 - Live Africa Shrine
  Uploaded by piRjtull. - See the latest featured music videos.Tamaku

  
  

• Dubai’s deep love for Kenyans revealed in new visa ruling

  Posted: April 25, 2010, 11:49 pm by Tamaku

  The news that Kenyans wishing to set foot in Dubai will need to possess a minimum of a Bachelors degree (no diplomas, please) has caused great concern to many who travel there, especially on business. It seems an overreaction for the UAE government to subject Kenyans to this collective punishment just because four of their ‘royal’ nationals were recently booted out of Kenya.
  
  Earlier this afternoon it struck me that perhaps these new rules should not be seen as an act of aggression. I’ve concluded that the rulers of Dubai are only acting out of deep love for Kenyans and with our welfare utmost in mind. The Emirati are so concerned that we are clogging up our roads with their cheap second hand cars to the detriment of our own motor industry. Most of these cars have almost had it by the time they get here, damaging the unspoilt Kenyan landscape and blackening our blue skies. Our Arab friends also hate to see hardworking and enterprising young Kenyans wasting their lives away slogging for them as overworked domestic servants and in their hospitality industry. The logic is that they know how much Kenyans are drawn to bright lights and tall glass buildings so they’re saying, go get yourself a university degree and then we’ll let you come to our country. On their part the Kenyan government should get cracking and create lots of jobs so that the degreeless do not have to travel to this Gulf State chasing menial jobs just to survive.
  
  Meanwhile, Kenya’s Foreign Minister has been dispatched in sackcloth to go wash the feet of the besandalled royalty. We are told that while he’s there he will also attempt to ‘clear up this misunderstanding’ which is diplomatic-speak for I can’t believe these c**ts are behaving in such a childish way.
  
  So try and remember that the Emirati really do love us Kenyans, some of them just have a different way of showing this love. Take for example how one of their royals was captured torturing a man - including feeding him sand - in the video below. Given this overwhelming evidence, of course justice was duly served. Lovely country, can't wait to get back - now, where did I put that degree certificate?
  
  

  
  

• Smelling roses as we wait for ash hole

  Posted: April 21, 2010, 2:17 am by Tamaku

  That volcano in Iceland continues to have a worrying impact on travellers and a bitter knock-on effect in many places. So much waste in a few short days, mountains of our beautiful flowers and fresh produce not able to reach overseas markets.
  
  Could this be Nature’s way of saying enough of your emissions? Well, until those clouds of ash give way for a hole big enough for planes to fly safely through, perhaps we should all locally do our bit and buy more flowers for one another to try and mitigate some of these losses.

  
  

• Thou shall not covet another man’s boyfriend

  Posted: April 17, 2010, 11:00 pm by Tamaku

  I’ve been busy with roof repairs at our house I almost forgot that I promised to tell you about that trip to London just after Easter. Lately I seem to be racking up more airmiles than a high class sharmuta. Which also reminds me of what an old friend told me once: everyone is available at a price but they also need to be ready to pay the cost. I travelled on KQ which was much improved from last time. The service in club was good and this time the video worked which is reassuring when sleeping 10 kilometres over Western Sudan. Just one question for Mr Naikuni (CEO KQ): Sir, why bother to wheel out that cumbersome relic known as the duty-free trolley when flying to the Mecca of shopping? Think of the savings in operational costs (staff, fuel). Anyway, by the time I arrived in Heathrow I was very ready for business, so well done Pride of Africa - I give you 9 and a half out of 10 like our trip last year, flat-bed is the way to go. At this point let me also confess that I’m a hapless shareholder having bought in at 120, and now it’s around 58 shillings - there’s a really looonng way to go.
  
  I was meeting that same friend stroke client from February, who together with others are keen to plant some root-of-all-evil into East Africa. This time I stayed in a superb hotel not far from Park Lane all paid for. Someone obviously thinks I know what I’m talking about. I never tire to preach that investors are like birds, they’ll flock to a tranquil park and even eat from your hand but they may never return if the guy sitting on the bench next to you makes a sudden noise like sneezing or sharpening a panga. So I was pleading with my audience over two days that you won’t go wrong with my country but I was also mixing it with bad cop saying this might be your only chance, others are waiting in the wings to take positions in the final frontier. In our last meeting I felt like Goldilocks when she woke up to find the three bears staring at her because I could sense I had whetted their appetites enough. Fingers crossed, there’ll soon be enough porridge for more people.
  
  My host Sanchez invited me to his place on the afternoon of my last full day. He lives alone in an old restored farmhouse in Speen, a place I‘ve been many times before when he and I used to be lovers back in the day. That's when I still had bounce. I‘ve already told George all about this so don‘t give that look, hehehehe. This time I knew I had to be careful because Sanchez had been emailing me before I arrived about how it would be nice to be together again for old times sake. Purleez, - but not in a bitchy way - I‘ve moved on. We had a simple meal of lightly grilled salmon steaks with sautéed potatoes and rocket salad dressed with honey and mustard. Afterwards we sat out on the patio sipping some pinkish wine and talking. It was such a glorious early evening with the sun going down the magnificent views of the Buckinghamshire countryside (see pic of nearby fields). That‘s when Sanchez leans to me as if to kiss me on the lips, I drew back quickly and said we can’t do that any more because I‘m with someone else who’s very special to me now. He looked a little hurt but he took it like a gentleman and we didn’t talk about it again. By the way I wasn’t turned on, not even a spark or a twitch down there. I think George has put a kamuti on my muti (a spell on my stick), lol!
  
  
  
  So I passed that test even though I was slightly tipsy. I was counting how many hours before I see and touch George again. Sanchez called me a cab to take me back to my hotel which must have cost a small fortune. He’s a great guy and we had a wonderful time when we were together but that’s all in the past. I want us to remain friends who do business just as we are now. Next morning I went walking along Park Lane and took this piccy of Hyde Park, but you need to be careful what you photograph in London nowadays or you could be arrested. I also saw a blinged golden mini in a car dealers which reminded me of the false idol in the Ten Commandments that I watched when I was a boy at the Odeon cinema in Nairobi.
  
  
  
  Then I came back to Nairobi, to the boyfriend with all my codes, Imelda’s cooking and companionship, and a leak in the upstairs guestroom.

  
  

• Shopping list

  Posted: April 14, 2010, 1:37 pm by Tamaku

  A couple of weeks ago George and I were in a busy chemist waiting to pay for some shampoo and deodorant when I suddenly said to him in my best imitation loud camp voice, ‘Hey Gee sweerie, don’t forget the KY jelly and condoms!.’ I'm a Scorpio so I do like some danger.
  
  There was pin-drop silence around us and you should have seen the look on George’s face, hehehe. I know he’s going to get his own back soon. I guess it wasn’t helped that I was in my about-town ‘mode magazine’ gear of cropped three-quarter Levi Indigo jeans showing some skin and navel hairs, and a tight carrot-orange top. I knew I was looking hot prancing around like a peahen from the I'm In Miami Trick video. Helloooo....lmfao...
  
  George told me later that he could see the twinkle in my eye through the shades. Thing is everyone around us recovered quickly and just pretended as if we weren’t even there which was nice. Only the cashier looked bemused when I took the wrapped condoms and lube from him (never Vaseline, boys - remember we've had this discussion before), leaving George to pay.
  
  Maybe next time I’ll be acting all coy and ask the shop assistant to recommend a condom brand for, how shall I put it, our kind of action.
  
  I said maybe.

  
  

• My life with George

  Posted: April 13, 2010, 6:02 pm by Tamaku

  People write to ask what it's like to be gay and in love with a man
  who loves you back.

  All I can say is, it's like if you had the keys to the world's most
  exclusive mall and you could have anything that your heart desired.
  From the finest clothes to the most luxurious and smoothest
  chocolates...ANYTHING all yours.

  That's how George makes me feel, every day. I'm so lucky.

  
  

• Gay man’s biological clock

  Posted: April 12, 2010, 10:44 am by Tamaku

  Last time we identified the first words made by a gay baby. Now I’ve found out that the sound of a gay man’s biological clock dicking ticking is dick, dock…lol!
  
  Have a lovely week folks. I was away in London (yeah, again) last week, just got back on Saturday. Mini post coming soon…

  
  

• World’s first rotating roundabouts to end Nairobi traffic jams

  Posted: April 11, 2010, 11:05 pm by Tamaku

  Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}

  An engineer friend tells me that the Chinese who are building our roads are going to install cutting edge solar-powered turntable roundabouts designed to end Nairobi’s chronic jams. Basically it works by cars driving onto a stationary roundabout which at the flick of a switch rotates your car smoothly in a clockwise direction. You then drive off at your exit when it stops rotating. Yawn.

  I also didn’t believe Sam when he told me this especially as it was while we were enjoying some alcoholic drinks. But you never know, after all we’ve seen electric poles in the middle of roads....

  
  

• Our father who hurt in heaven (Easter Special)

  Posted: April 4, 2010, 9:33 pm by Tamaku

  As I watched the news on the latest abuse scandals engulfing the Catholic Church, I was reminded of an incident I witnessed years ago involving a priest from that boarding school where I also learned how to conceal a weapon. Father John D’anonimasi lived in a flat attached to our boarding house and it was the duty of students to clean his flat on Sunday mornings before Mass because we were constantly getting told that the path of duty was the way to glory (just a ploy to exploit children if you ask me now)
  
  One dewy morning when my turn came and being the keen prayerful lad that I was, I found myself about half an hour early trotting along to Father’s flat. When I got to the door I knocked softly and then noticed that it wasn’t completely shut. I didn’t think anything of it as I let myself quietly in. That’s when I saw the sight that refuses to leave me even now two decades later. Through a mirror in the hallway I spied Father John – who would be saying Mass in just over an hour’s time – standing buck naked, hairy back to me and facing the window with a wtf-is-that-up-his-arse? He was driving the blue marker pen that we used to write announcements on the house noticeboard eewww up and down where it’s dark because the sun never shines aka da butt. And his man boobies had some metallic clamps on the nips weighing them down ouch, ouch but I hear that it’s more about pleasure than pain, hahaha. All I could think of was that must hurt like hell especially the sharp bits of the marker but he was making sounds like he was in heaven already. I froze momentarily and then tiptoed out of there but not before I also snapped an eyeful of balls projected on the wall as shadows the size of large oranges. He hadn’t seen me and to be fair it wasn’t as if I’d caught him perming his eyelashes but I still think the Church needs to revisit the issue of celibacy and whether it’s even relevant.
  
  Now sit back, get the popcorn, keep the tissues close at hand and let’s wait to see what outlandish story Denis shares with us about three nuns, a monk and a strap-on. By the way Denis also has a column here.
  
  Please forgive me father for sometimes I know not what I do when I blog.....Happy Easter folks.
  
  
  
  (Pic is of a marker pen that I use on my whiteboard, NOWHERE ELSE ok, lol)

  
  

• Livin' La Vida Loca

  Posted: March 30, 2010, 6:03 pm by Tamaku

  Ricky Martin, father of two, coming out gay has not been a surprise to
  many. Come on you'd have to have had your gaydar disabled not to have
  known it, if Shake Your Bon Bon still hadn't given the game away...

  
  

• Do Kenyan robots deserve any human rights?

  Posted: March 29, 2010, 2:18 am by Tamaku

  Not to tar everyone with the same brush but Kenyan society is fast reaping the abundant fruits of a mainstream education system that spits out legion after legion incapable of blending ideals and rhetoric into reality. It’s fair to say that we have a significant walking-mass wounded by rote learning. These puppets by the time they are in early adulthood are ripened for a life of manipulation, to be controlled and guaranteed to operate with clockwork predictability even as they quench their thirst for 'knowledge'. I’ve come across so many of them festooned with MBAs and PHDs in my working and social life, so sad because they knew their stuff well and were very good at what they did but when you really looked in their eyes the passion and fire in them was gone and had been replaced by glassy currency signs. I watched in amazement as they looked the other way while government continued to ignore its gay citizens.
  
  We went calling on those among us who could wield their influence because we had heard them say how much they understood and embraced the spirit of Universal Human rights and fairness, especially those who preached thy neighbour’s love. But we found them already in bed with the oppressor making furious creaky merriment in the same unoriginal fashion. Hanging on the door-knob was a do-not-disturb sign in the familiar fonts of the previously trusted message bearers inked in the warm blood and tears of the hunted. That’s when it dawned on me that you can’t entrust an honest debate on important issues to these robots. They never truly believed in anything worth defending but only went through the motions sleepwalking in complex angles while foraging for shiny tokens to pin onto their rusting armour. Their self-interests had made them blind to ethical dimensions.
  
  I think I’d have more respect for them if they just stopped pretending to defend any human rights.

  
  

• Senses

  Posted: March 23, 2010, 6:17 pm by Tamaku

  I took this picture in the garden one morning last week. Lately I like
  my tea black with one sugar, though I've been asking Imelda to make it
  for me white without milk. She's a clever one and always gets it right
  but I don't think she's really listening how I say it...

  So this pic - it's of beautiful bougainvillea flowers growing along
  the fence. If you look closely you'll also see the butterfly that I
  was very surprised to notice after I'd taken the picture...

  
  

• Paper Scissors Rock

  Posted: March 20, 2010, 2:08 am by Tamaku

  Hey, we haven't had a vid in a while. I was watching this one today and sensing some homoeroticism, what do you guys think?
  
  

  
  

• My untamed youth

  Posted: March 19, 2010, 9:52 am by Tamaku

  I took this shot of downtown Nairobi on my way from a friend’s office on Commerce House 5th floor, Moi Avenue. That’s the building that housed Florida 2000 nightclub, that wonderful den of iniquity. Actually last time I was in F2, Flonje as a true aficionado calls it, was at least 18 years ago. But as you can see this time I was in the vicinity during the day, mid-afternoon to be exact.
  
  Years and years ago when I was a still a chicken (14-16 years old) I was a regular fixture at the nightclub even during school nights ogling at the dancers (male and female, all amazing) and their super-toned bodies. Those were the days frittering away my parents’ cash (money that I could do with right now, by the way) cavorting with hookers, drinking beer and eating pilau with kachumbari downstairs outside the ART shop with pimps, drug dealers and taxi drivers. All this while the parents, my siblings and most normal people slept away…
  
  Yes, there was a time when Nairobi was a safe place to walk at all hours, except on occasion when I encountered policemen with dogs on patrol around that dodgy zone behind KCB Kencom House as I club-hopped from F2 to Tamango (before it was called Visions) on Kimathi Street at 3 am. Always the same script wanting to arrest me on trumped-up drunk and disorderly or loitering charges unless I greased their palms with some chai or tea. I wish I'd go back to those days because I'd be carrying a flask of hot tea for such encounters . Luckily an accident of birth meant I bore my famous grandfather’s name whose mere mention I’d learned early in life could open the right doors wide and the cops normally ended up escorting me to the other club and even gave a little salute as I trotted up the steps for part 2. I guess I was a corrupt little Kenyan, just like most of the others back then, lol! I was also a bit of a brat...
  
  Back to F2 and its mock zebra-skin carpet which I understand nowadays even has a strip club next door. Some nights I’d forget myself only to crawl out of the nightclub in the morning to dazzling daylight and bustling streets. My parents usually left the house for work before we got up, so I’d just go home on the bus and sleep the booze and other substances off before getting up to go back to town to pick up my Enduro trail bike where I’d left it unchained outside F2 because I didn’t want to get myself killed riding under the influence. In fact how I passed my exams I’ll never know because my teachers often wrote in my report card, ‘shows great potential and should go far but is easily distracted’. At least I never missed a scouts overnight camping trip and I never ever went to school pissed….hahahahaa
  
  I also learned the valuable art of keeping people sweet (always smile whatever the situation and never say a bad word behind someone’s back) so the servants and siblings even covered for me. Of course I forged dad’s signature on absence letters to school and one-finger typed these out on mummy’s old manual Olivetti for authenticity. That soon unraveled through a painful ordeal which is a story for another day. Oh, the folly of youth but I was having too much fun reducing my life expectancy by at least 10 years while experimenting with more stuff than many people fit into a lifetime. I count myself very lucky to have escaped unscathed because I quickly got bored and grew up super fast and just managed to get my act together. By the time my friends from school were discovering nightclubs I had that part well and truly behind me. One of these days I might even tell you about my graduation to the massage parlour ‘phase’ with the ‘extras’, if you’re as nice as you usually are.
  
  Sorry about the pic by the way, not being top notch, it’s taken using my iphone’s measly 2 mp camera. I damaged my other camera recently when I dropped it on the bathroom floor (don’t ask) and I can’t seem to get anyone to fix it. I’m not shy, if anyone has a spare slr feel free to swing it my way and I’ll take some interesting shots just for you. Yes you big, big boy there in the tight jeans and nice butt. Eeww, that sounds so creepy.. lol!
  
  

  
  

• Smart toothbrushes

  Posted: March 18, 2010, 4:32 pm by Tamaku

  Imelda replaced the toothbrushes in our bathroom yesterday. I notice
  that she put a new pink one on my sink yet again while George got the
  blue Colgate flex. Pink for girls, blue for boys, right? Mmmmm...

  I'm a Scorpio so I do tend to over analyze things but I can't help
  myself wondering whether she now just sees me as George's bitch, lol!

  Oh well, whatever....)

  
  

• The winning formula?

  Posted: March 16, 2010, 5:13 pm by Tamaku

  I'm at home not doing much just playing a second game of scrabble with
  Imelda. She's currently wiping the floor with me, coming up with
  'subzero' on a triple word score. She's already won the first game of
  the day. Aarrrggh õ›. But now she's gone off to prepare lunch, so I've
  been naughty and just switched some of her letters. Hehehe, I've also
  had a good rummage inside the bag with the letter tiles, lol!
  Ssssshhh.....

  Imelda almost caught me red-handed when she came back unexpectedly to
  bring me a cup of Milo, I thought I was going to have a heart-attack
  but I managed to pull myself together though I couldn't look her in
  the eye.,,

  I hope you don't think I'm a bad person; but I'm feeling a little
  guilty...

  
  

• 50 ways to find a lover in Nairobi

  Posted: March 14, 2010, 11:58 pm by Tamaku

  I actually look forward to bedtimes these days and not just for what you might be thinking. We are normally in bed by 11pm with me snuggled in The Nook, that special place that George keeps warm just for me. It’s where I can hear his heart talking to my soul. I love reading in bed and I’m used to it now even while he’s watching pirate copies of CSI or Heroes or Band of Brothers. Yes, George won that battle so we still have the tv with dvd in the bedroom. Last night I wanted to watch a copy of Chokora that a friend got for me the other day but George said it’s too depressing. From what I hear it will make you very MAD. Anyway we’ll watch it with Imelda tomorrow while he’s at work. I don’t want to precipitate another bust-up. You might think that I’m a walkover but I try not to sweat the small stuff because we are both so happy now.
  
  Currently I’m enjoying reading 50 Ways to Find a Lover by Lucy-Anne Holmes. I picked up a brand new copy abandoned in the airport lounge on my recent trip to London. Which reminds me, imagine how shocked I was to discover the other day that there are websites where you can hire a lover in Nairobi for the night! Or day! Even by the hour! You can now meet real gorgeous men with mouth-wateringly ripped abs or sexy women with curves as tight as the streets of Monte-Carlo. If you like a varied diet you can even have both together. All at the click of a button and of course the slimming of your wallet. A world away from how one woman tried to get me interested not so long ago. My research shows it's even possible to arrange the rendezvous in your office boardroom for the horny but busy exec. By the way if ‘supermarket’ (self-service or taking matters into your own hands solo in the privacy of your bedroom) with lights dimmed and aromatic oils burning is more your thing, you can even pay and download local porn clips instantly, wait let me finish, and away you go come, lol! If you live in a flat just turn the volume up high, the neighbours will envy you thinking you’re such an animal. Go tiger..
  
  It’s all happening here in our supposedly deeply religious and morally righteous African country.

  
  

• A parent’s guide to the finger of god business (pg rated)

  Posted: March 10, 2010, 12:36 am by Tamaku

  Some concerned parents wrote to me when TV anchor Esther’s saga broke out. They said please Tamaku my kids are scared when they hear about Freemasons and people wanting to kill others and they’re asking difficult questions. Can you find us a way to explain what’s happening to their role model? So I obliged and embellished the story somewhat so that youngsters could understand. You can read it and dramatize it like a game for the kids at bedtime in nice Harry Porter style to get the message home:
  
  Once upon a time there was a famous and very beautiful girl from the telly. One day she decided to run away from her handsome boyfriend who had smooth and well manicured fingers to a wizard called Timberstick. When he got her to a castle in Runda he began the ancient and secret game of 4ply (here you can sing a little lullaby, 1ply, 2ply, you get the drift). Not to be confused with foreplay which all boys know is just a waste of playstation time, 4ply is a spell practiced under a moonless night to the hypnotising strains of a lone saxophonist. However when you grow up and if you don’t study hard and go to college, you will hear it mentioned in player parlance as ‘short-circuiting a babe’s cpu’. So, this is what Timberstick did with his talented guitar-calloused and blinged up one digit, which came to be known throughout the kingdom simply as da Finga. It was studded like a courgette’s skin and curved like an aubergine, lovely vegetables that you must always eat whenever mummy cooks them for you. They are excellent sources of nutrients but only when chopped and cooked. Now, when boys were still writing with pencils, the wicked wizard was already printing in colour. He was also very experienced in the art of taking off a girl's bra with only one hand. Soon the beautiful girl was frothing at the lips close to dying but not at all in a bad way. She was riding through the sky without a care like a runaway helium balloon. Higher, higher close to heaven, when she saw how bright and beautiful heaven was she cried out: ‘Woooi , OMG…. Oh My God, what is that?’ (Note to parents: feel free to adapt the cry to suit your child’s deportment, religiosity etc, but keep it real)
  
  The evil 4plyer cackled back to her, ‘That my princess is the finger of god’.
  
  And the moral of the story, children? You must tell your teacher if someone wants to put your finger in the electric pencil sharpener. Goodnight my angels, night night….
  
  (Editor’s note: We are trying to see whether Disney will make a movie)
  
  
  Moving on swiftly here is a finger joke for the adults:
  
  One day John rang his wife from the offshore rig where he worked.
  ‘Honey don't worry, I’ve had a serious injury but am ok. An accident occurred and my finger was cut OFF.....'She yelled, ‘The hole finger?’ He answered, ‘NO, NO, the one right next to it. ...’

  
  

• Tamaku does London

  Posted: March 7, 2010, 10:44 pm by Tamaku

  When a generous client, mentor, one- time compañero and sometime benefactor sends an urgent email saying I want you up in England for a couple of days, all expenses paid, you don’t say mmmm, I’m not sure what I’ve got on my diary, Sanchez – let me think about it and I’ll get back to you. This is what happened to me the other week, so I hopped on a plane and arrived to a chilly London. One thing I noticed is that more roads are now potholed (shock, horror) but nothing remotely like Nairobi roads. My tattooed cabbie Dave told me the heavy snows of the previous months have played havoc on infrastructure, but I heard as if he called it infrastuckture. Apparently this happens when water-logged newly re-carpeted surfaces expand causing cracks on roads when it freezes. You learn something new every day, not all of it useful. Also did you know that jelly beans are good for causing a bowel movement? And another thing matey, Audi A6 estates and BMW 5 series are rubbish in snow, even many 4x4’s except Land Rover Discos, naturally, will struggle but you’d expect German cars to know a thing about snow. Talking of cars, Shiko-Msa if I get you that red Toyota Solara people might start to talk, hehehe...
  
  I had two straight days of intense meetings in Bishopsgate a short walk from Liverpool Street station and went back to my 3 star hotel room in Wembley after like every nice gay businessman does. I wished I’d brought my toys to keep me entertained as I watched porno on the old lappie, hahahaha, but a few nights without never hurt anyone though it can make you cranky in the mornings. The crowded tube carriage is one of my least favourite places anywhere during rush hour but it’s a microcosm of life in one of the world’s greatest cities. Desperately gaunt druggies in sodden coats on their way to chase dragons sat next to nervous Goldman Sachs millionaire wankers bankers in chic Aquascutum vintage coats on their way to/from a rat race for humans. And the women putting on their makeup flawlessly on the tube, vulgar with a capital V like Vietnam decadence, yet so captivating. My alter ego has extremist socialist views especially when I spot subtle displays of excess leave alone ostentatious ones. To be honest with you, I think the word I’m really looking for is envy.
  
  London was like enforced rehab for me because I didn’t drink a drop except on Saturday when I allowed myself more than a little treat to compensate. Saturday evening was raining incessantly, the kind of night when I’d never go out in Nairobi so I just sat in the hotel bar which was full of confident Man Utd fans over for the match with Aston Villa on Sunday. I met travelling discordant couple Marilyn and Lee (he’s Manu while she’s a hardcore brummie Villa fan) and we polished off a bottle of Bombay Sapphire and later chased with some Disaronno, you’d think I’d have learned my lesson about mixing drinks by now. Duly ginned, we blue-toothed email addresses and they said they’d come to Nairobi later in the year but it might just have been the drink talking.
  
  The hotel where I stayed is on Empire Way (suitably named for a queen, I thought) and I had a standard room overlooking a building site, I think it’s for Wembley City. But I didn’t mind because I could see the stadium arch from my room. I took this picture on my phone on Saturday night when I walked round the back of the hotel smoking a cigarette in the drizzle and after speaking on the phone to George. Sorry but my phone doesn’t have a zoom. There was a private party in one of the function rooms at the rear and when I heard PYT blasting away I was so tempted to gatecrash but I’m so glad I didn’t even though I can still shake it. Also my return flight home was on Sunday morning and I had the taxi booked for 6.
  
  When I arrived back in Nairobi, George picked me up from the airport and I said to him hey you my PYT, I really missed your loving. He said show me how much so we went straight home to bed and just had milky cocoa and biscuits after my shower, lol, you know what we actually had. Yes, yes, it was very good...
  
  
  

  
  

• Dear DiaryIt’s been one day ...

  Posted: March 6, 2010, 3:25 pm by Tamaku

  Dear Diary
  
  It’s been one day at a time resisting this urge to mock one Esther Rungu, a hubby called Timberdick, a pastor by the name Hellon and that Finger.
  
  So far so good.
  
  I am a good person but I’m feeling weak. The temptation is so strong.
  
  Will I make it?
  

  
  

• Blog followers and the power of prayer

  Posted: March 5, 2010, 4:49 pm by Tamaku

  Hello there my luvvies and esteemed friends, we have a new follower….drum roll please....welcome to number 80^th! Group hug everybody, feel all the love and warmth that we should me sharing? Wey-hey, ho ho, this calls for a little jig on the kitchen floor with Imelda and a cold tusker down my throat (first one of the day, I hasten to add). Do you think we would be a cult if you all came to our house and you guys stayed over forever and ever just like one big happy gay family? 

  On a serious note please don't forget to pray for the flooding in Samburu to subside and for our sister the lovely Esther Arunga to wake up and smell the shit around her. How many people who love and care about her is this beautiful woman determined to hurt? Please God, please please give us a happy ending....amen.

  Oh, hold on, I've just been handed my bottle of tusker baridi (the champers of beers) and a note by Imelda – "how many people do I want to love me???" Eh? Girl knows me tooo well.  Now let me shoot some pool with her and drink some lager, that's enough work for a furahiday….. xx xx xxx

  
  
  

  
  

• Habari gani? Give us a wave

  Posted: March 4, 2010, 6:09 pm by Tamaku

  Hello, hello, just a quickie to say we're fine thanks for asking. I haven't danced the last dance yet!  I've managed to avoid falling under a moving bus and when George mixed me a drink the other day I called out to him, 'no aconite root poison for me, honey bunch sweetie pie.' I'm just snowed under with some urgent work for a demanding client at the moment. I haven't spied a white car trailing us nor have strange men in suits and dark glasses turned up at the house asking to speak to me (sigh, a fantasy).
  

  I arrived back from the UK on Sunday night unscathed. The brakes on my car work ok, and the drinking water doesn't taste any different however I was reading somewhere that you start to die the day you are born….

  That's all for now my lovely friends. I'm feeling very cheery today so just wanted to say hi and that I'll be back soon. Oh, I've also caught a mild cold but nothing serious I hope. I'm happy with life generally and, contrary to rumours spreading like Starbucks, my blogging mojo hasn't deserted me.

  
  
  

  
  

• I'm standing by you

  Posted: February 25, 2010, 2:53 am by Tamaku

  I travel alone to London tomorrow on business, thankfully just for 4 days. I understand the weather there is arctic ; Please let me share with you Carrie Underwood's cover of 'I'll Stand By You'. Especially with my Ugandan brothers and sisters in mind during their darkest hours. Back soon, because I'll miss you, God-willing...
  
  xxx
  
  

  
  

• The bill Barack Obama calls 'odious'

  Posted: February 24, 2010, 3:09 am by Tamaku

  
  
  Let's make this viral, please share.

  
  

• What George got me for Valentine’s

  Posted: February 22, 2010, 12:30 am by Tamaku

  George is a big softie. On Valentine’s Day morning after breakfast he said he had a surprise for me, so I said no honey I don’t want to go back to bed just yet. He said don’t be silly and then he blindfolded me with a kitchen towel and took me by the hand. He said I’ve got you something nice and shiny that you can drive. I asked what now, surely way too extravagant to buy me a car when I already have a perfectly good one. And you know he’s working for a security company at the moment but not G4S which keeps losing lots of cash in transit though I admit a sinister thought did cross my mind. He laughed and replied noooo darling, no, be patient. It’s not a car but it has two wheels. By now we were outside the garage, my left fingers reaching out to feel the way ahead. I was so excited and giggling like a teenage girl because I was thinking could it be a brand new motorcycle like my friend’s Mike that I was riding in December? I’m not too materialistic but I don’t mind beautiful possessions.
  
  When the garage doors opened, I ripped off the blindfold and George put my prezzie in my hands, I laughed so hard when I saw it and gave him a big wet kiss. He won’t thank me for telling you this but when I looked at him next tears were streaming down his face just like our first time together. I knew he was crying for joy because I know giving makes you very happy. Here’s a photo of my prezzie, it’s a lovely toy bike made out of wire and customized for a gay Kenyan. It now has pride of place in the study. I feel just as if I got the real thing.
  
  On my part I baked George a chocolate heart-shaped cake which he’s saving for our first anniversary. I tell a teeny-weeny lie, it's actually Imelda who baked it but don’t tell him, besides he’s getting all that special loving all to himself, lol!
  
  

  
  

• Gay Kenyans will not go away

  Posted: February 21, 2010, 12:23 am by Tamaku

  Prof Makau Mutua on The Bench articulating the case for Gay Rights in Kenya. It’s a great piece - sorry about ‘drama queen’ Jeff.

  
  

• Bad Kenyan politics not good for nerves

  Posted: February 20, 2010, 7:15 pm by Tamaku

  Someone needs to tell both geriatric Prime Minister Raila and President Kibaki to stop their silly games, to put their toys away and learn to play nicely. No more smoke and mirrors please. They make me nervous with all the brinkmanship that I spend sleepless nights wondering whether we are going to wade through another frothy cesspool of mindless violence. Oh dear me, the mismanaged blame game might be exciting for some but I’d rather vote for the unbelievably tacky Esther Arunga-Joseph Hellon soap. I admit she’s got a lovely rack on her, even better than my friend Paprika has. I wonder whether the saxophonist has gotten his godly fingers and all that jazz over them. Joseph's not too bad either he just needs to lose the suit, bulk up, wear black ribbed tank-tops and stop frowning when facing the camera. Call me, I can make you very classy in time for 2012 (yes, we can!), because I branded many cow butts in my time. Ahem, erm, excuse me while I clear my throat...
  
  But I am now getting the jitters about our future here. Can you imagine by how many notches things will ratchet up when the ICC (for criminals, not the cricket one) names those it wants for masterminding Kenya’s post-election violence? I bumped into a former client who was out being walked by two untrained Jack Russells in our estate on Wednesday evening. She told me that her multinational head office have put on hold indefinitely investments earmarked this year for Kenya. Even the muscled guys who were laying the fibre-optic cable outside our street have left and no one knows when they’ll be back, so unfair.
  
  It comes as no surprise that investors are getting weary of the seesaw within what looks like a rudderless government. There’s ground swell sentiment in business circles that come 2012 political temperatures in Kenya are forecast to reach flash point bringing a freeze to any meaningful growth (if not a drastic downturn) in the economy. I don’t doubt my credible sources because I can’t see any way out unless the two principals learn to rein in amoral associates and dampen their own egos. Surely only fools keep wagging dogs and then bark themselves. I also thought, lucky you Sheryl to have such robust options on the table, it must be very comforting to know you can always jump on BA with your neurotic pooches and leave behind the potholes and the mad matatu drivers, but you’ll miss the weather and the servants though.
  
  I’ve almost lost faith in the way things have suddenly span out of control: why not let the anti-corruption commission do it’s job (yawn, don’t answer). Did I hear you say commission of inquiry to investigate? I thought not. And the police - are they too busy jailing hookers, raiding residences of suspected homosexuals, shooting pickpockets and tear-gassing innocent protesters - is detective really such a dirty word to them?
  
  We must never become inured to the rot in our public institutions. I don’t wish to be a prophet of doom and I’ll do my best to remain optimistic but at the moment all I can see are dark clouds gathering over the horizon. By the way, words of advice to Kuyu Hellon: three’s a crowd, like in this other saga, unless it’s a trio. Plan thy revenge.

  
  

• Does this pastor speak for you?

  Posted: February 19, 2010, 3:04 pm by Tamaku

  "In Africa, what you do in your bedroom affects our clan, it affects our tribe, it affects our nation," Pastor Martin Ssempa is reported to have told the BBC's Network Africa programme. 
  I guess he's a missionary man...
  
  

  
  

• Bottoms Up

  Posted: February 16, 2010, 2:39 am by Tamaku

  I find it hard to believe that it’s one year today since I started this blog. Imagine that! Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun. So here we are over 250 posts later (ok, I agree some of them could hardly qualify as such, and all the videos I pinched from youtube along the way, hehehehe). Hey, your comments have also encouraged me on this journey.
  
  Tonight I wanted to say how much I really appreciate your great company and although I sometimes do push the boundaries you guys don’t really seem to mind too much. I’m sure you know by now that I’m never going to hurt even a fly. Therefore, good people, here’s to the next God knows how many more posts (and vids, sorry!)…chin chin everyone, bottoms up.
  
  By the way, I’ve considered putting a paypal button on this blog ‘cause I know some of you would like to buy me a drink or two, especially now that I’m unemployed, but I don’t know how to go about it. If it's any consolation I promise to kiss you all on the mouth should we meet, I'll even shut my eyes. Deal? Deal.

  
  

• Names

  Posted: February 15, 2010, 3:23 am by Tamaku

  What do you call Kenyan homophobes?
  
  Gay-nyans!

  
  

• Happy St Valentine's Day

  Posted: February 13, 2010, 11:01 pm by Tamaku

  
  
  We are just going out for dinner, George's treat. It's early but we both prefer tonight for our Valentine's Day date. Tomorrow could be trickier for a gay couple seen having an intimate dinner in this town. Not that I'm afraid or anything....
  
  Have a great time whatever you do. Love ya xxx xx

  
  

• Baby cooked in oven

  Posted: February 13, 2010, 5:38 pm by Tamaku

  Do you recall the time last year when I was broody and dreaming about being a dad? Well, after that post I received an amazing amount of emails from people (women?) who were willing to offer their help. My euphoria quickly dissipated before you could say wank, cup and turkey-baster when I realised that all those offers were shocking rent-a-womb. I haven’t come across any laws which prohibit these arrangements, though it’s a grey area fraught with legal pitfalls. Turns out these scammers were only after my money offering to bear my biological child, one even asked me to M-pesa ’commitment fees’!!! Aaargh. But the real reason why I didn’t pursue it was on my mum’s advice. She said just be patient son, someone will come along with whom you’ll fall in love and you’ll be blessed with many kids. Problem is that mummy doesn’t know I’m in love with George but he’s never liked the idea of wearing a maternity dress though he’s partial to nibbling a nipple now and again, hahahaha...
  
  Anyway in the course of my research I also discovered a place in Nairobi that offers IVF treatment. I just typed into google ‘nairobi ivf baby cooked in oven’ (as you would) and that was the top result. And I also discovered other such facilities in wonderful places like South Africa and India. I’m so excited but all I can say at this point is that I feel a whole new world of possibilities has opened up for us. Hint: Arrival of Tamaku Jnr may involve a lesbian friend.
  
  Since you are now like family, and always so nice to me (unlike some people) you can all be uncles and aunts…

  
  

• Toyota

  Posted: February 10, 2010, 11:57 pm by Tamaku

  I was up late last night thinking about all the hullabaloo surrounding safety issues and Toyota. I’m sure it’s all one conspiracy to try and resuscitate America’s auto industry, but it may backfire because the Toyota brand has already seeped deep into people’s consciousness. I love Toyota cars even though I’ve never owned one myself. If you can guess correctly what car I drive, I swear I’ll come over personally and tickle you until you cry please, please Tamaku stop but I won’t stop until you pee on yourself, lol! However I detest those models that look like freestanding wardrobes on wheels, here I’m talking about Toyota Voxy and it’s ungainly cousin Toyota Noah. Sorry but it’s very easy to confuse one of these in the hazy Nairobi traffic with a pregnant Zebu cow. Not too sexy unless you’re a farmer’s wife called Mrs Noah who’s getting ready to go on a cruise (speaking of which, does anyone know what her real name was please, I promise I won’t come and tickle you unless you want me to).
  
  My wonderful George, who is now sitting at my feet on the floor watching a good bootleg copy of City of God as I type this (oh, the irony), is like a Lexus LS460 with heated leather seats, warm and a joy to cuddle but he can make your ass sweat when he’s in the mood. I think I’d say I’m more like the 'humble’ Avensis, good thrust when needed and with a decent trunk which shuts well, lol! Which reminds me - George wrongly says I like to wield power around here. I don’t know whatever gave him that impression but I don’t mind so long as he does what he’s told. And forget all that nonsense about gays having faulty 'brakes', take it from me nothing wrong with our 'brakes' after many miles on the clock never had even one skidmark…
  
  Ok, mmmmm, now let’s see if I can pick on a couple of lovely fellow bloggers and pair them with a suitable model of Toyota: In my mind I think Shiko-Msa is like a red Toyota Solara with the top down cruising through Mama Ngina Drive on a hot afternoon, classy and interesting ;) while Rox is like a canary-yellow Toyota Supra in 17-inch gunmetal rims and tinted windows, distinctive and fun (NOT a euphemism for easy by the way, hehehehehe. Dear sweetie, Rox, darling, sugar, honey please don’t hit me). Let me stop there before I get myself in more trouble than I already am. Hahahaha…

  
  

• Straight-talking Politician

  Posted: February 10, 2010, 3:13 pm by Tamaku

  The Malawi authorities have told gay activists who put up posters and distribute leaflets on the streets anonymously to "come out in the open".

  Government official Kingsley Namakhwa said it was against the law to mount such campaigns anonymously.

  But he also pointed out that homosexuality was illegal, and anyone promoting it would be prosecuted.

  
  (Source: BBC)
  
  

  
  

• The Beautiful Game and understanding the offside rule

  Posted: February 7, 2010, 11:49 pm by Tamaku

  Last Sunday George and I got invited by our Nigerian neighbour Theo to watch the televised final of the African Cup of Nations final at his house. I was rooting for Ghana because I like the way their kit showed off their well-toned physiques and the contrast of the white on the ebony was just pure gay heaven. George came along for the football (I’m also a fan of sorts) while Theo was cheering on Egypt because he was still holding a grudge following the semi-final defeat his countrymen suffrered at the hands of the Ghanaians.
  
  So we drank me brodah Theo’s booze (lots of it, remember I don’t have to get up and go anywhere these days) and gorged ourselves on among other delights boiled quail eggs (from that lady doctor over in Lavington). I need to get off my fat ass and make better use of my membership at Parklands Sports Club to get back in shape like the hottie I aspire to be. Incidentally Theo’s mid-thirties, handsome in an African Forrest-Gump sort of way, athletic and a scientist who lives alone with two cats in a beautiful bungalow. Just the kind of guy you shouldn’t introduce to your boyfriend because you should keep him all to yourself, lol. There are some things about Theo that scream iko matata hapo mbele (trouble lies ahead). It was the first time we’ve been to his place, we normally meet while taking walks in the evening and just wave. We both assumed that Theo was straight but after an hour in his house I set my gay-o-meter to alert mode.
  
  Here’s the evidence that set those alarm bells ringing:
  
  - Straight alpha-male ( Theo) in lush dreadlocks invites two male neighbours who live together and are obviously a couple (in love) to his house to watch a game of football. Unfair home advantage springs to mind.
  
  - Straight man then sprawls on the floor of immaculate home drinking lots of lovely alcohol, moisturised footballer-legs wide apart (slut) wearing only a tiny pair of mauve Ralph Lauren shorts (displaying what looks like a yummy overstuffed wrap-sandwich), fingers lazily stroking away silky navel pubes while flaunting naked tight six-pack abs (who does he think he is, Tyrese? Why‘s he gonna act like that?)
  
  - Straight man’s pumped man titties on show are just crying out to be tweaked as he lies on that super-soft luxurious sheepskin made from at least three innocent Molo lambs (poser).
  
  - Straight man arranges napkins on rustic teak coffee table in the rose fold.
  
  I was thinking wishing, is this guy not gay because from what I could see he was Interpol’s description of hot Nigerian man-stealer called Theo ( a love-god’s name to boot, tsk..tsk) but I might have been offside.
  
  I kept a beady eye on Theo whenever he rolled side to side on the rug as he stretched a pedicured foot playfully catching George’s calf with a ’free-kick’ (surely a bookable offence) every time the ref blew the whistle…..like he himself wanted to blow something else....puhleeze!!

  
  

• Big Car, Small Dick

  Posted: February 5, 2010, 3:00 am by Tamaku

  Tuesday afternoon I was standing in a queue at the bank. There was a man ahead of me at the counter getting serviced served, he was being quite loud so much that everyone could hear his business.
  
  So there he was, standing in dusty shoes and wearing a mismatched suit which are sure signs of the Kenyan billionare, wobbly belly swaying over cantilevered trouser-belt which is the third sign of Nairobi's obscenely wealthy. I was wondering how much money you'd have to get paid to sleep with someone like that (zillions at least) or how much alcohol do you have to imbibe before you can do it with the lights on. Meanwhile his short, chubby but surprisingly athletic fingers (It's not the size of the finger that matters, but the size of the ring. Lol, big fat lie!) were banging away to the annoying crescendo of the note counting machine as he transacted small fortunes across multiple accounts, setting up standing orders, getting bankers' cheques and just for good measure he also drew a few hundred thousand 'to pay the workers, haha ha ha'. I even saw him slide the cashier a couple thou, for lunch. The people in the jittering lunchtime queue were far from impressed. BTW, my bank offers me teas and coffees while I'm waiting but nowhere to powder my nose, where is the sense in that?
  
  After 'beached-whale trucking mini-waterfall-cascading-down-the-crack-of-bum (lovely sweat, mmmm)' waddled out of Barclays the young woman behind me muttered: 'These sad men who want people to notice them - it's all about the size of the cock!'
  
  
  Just be yourself, you are somebody and the world belongs to you too. Glenn Jones
  
  

  
  

• Gorilla on steroids

  Posted: February 2, 2010, 11:41 pm by Tamaku

  My sister whispered to me when I got back to our table at the restaurant where we had lunch the other day bro you really mince when you walk. I just laughed in her face because many years ago she told me I used to walk too agressively with my feet pointing ten to two, so I taught myself a new walk. Perhaps I've been swish since then, managing to conceal the wriggle in my bottom under suit jackets.
  
  But now I'm at the point in life where I can't be bothered with doing stuff just to please people. So I'm not going to stop wearing fishnets or listening to Madonna and I'm definitely not going to start walking around like a gorilla on steroids.
  
  I'll just be me.

  
  

• The au pair who loved me (without those irritating subtitles)

  Posted: January 30, 2010, 4:23 am by Tamaku

  Three years ago I stayed with my best friend Mike in Thigiri for two months while our house was getting renovated. I was ensconced at the lavish poolside guest suite at the back of the main house separated from the domestic servant quarters by a large cabro-paved courtyard.
  
  Mike’s two angelic offspring are my cherished godchildren and at the time they had an au pair, a young woman from a neighbouring French-speaking country. Mike and Zawadi just wanted their kids to get a head start in life from speaking a foreign language. The au pair’s name was Brigitte and she used to sleep in the domestic servants’ quarters 20 metres or so from my suite.
  
  One breezy night I was startled by an urgent tapping on the bedroom window to spy Brigitte standing outside in the leafy shadows. I thought she looked petrified so I said come to the door and then I got out of the cosy warm bed in my pyjamas after I deftly shut my proscribed-in-Kenya gay porn mag and slipped it under the mattress. When she came to the door I saw Brigitte only had on a deliciously flimsy lavender-coloured see-through nightie more like a mini-camisole and nothing else under. And I mean nothing. Picture that sight because it really happened but then I thought, wait a minute, am I imagining things but I wasn’t imagining because she was there in the flesh and I hadn’t had a drink (hard for some to believe but true). I asked her what’s the matter and she said she was so afraid to sleep in her room alone because she’d eyed a monster spider careening under her bed.
  
  Now, I totally understand the fear of arachnids and other creepy crawlies so I caught her arm said you better come inside quickly and get out of harm’s way. I closed the door and said I’ll go wake Mike and ask him what to do but she sshh-shhed me and whispered hoarsely (excuse me but I’ll do my best to do the accent):
  
  ‘No need to coll Mr Mike, Tamakuh. Of al’ ze men I’ve met since I come to Kenyah, therez sam-sing spécial that…how do you say?….. ooo- la- la….draws me like a magnet to you….aaahh. Me and you…we spend ze night togezzer and no ozer personne needs to know I promesse, non?’
  
  So flattering these French-accented lovelies, but oh so, so unfair. Why, why, why knock on the wrong door? Why would it not have been a monsieur kneeling before me asking me about suckin ze kok..
  
  She was standing right up close her eyes flickering wildly like fireflies and I was gulping the night air ogling her goodies. I sink ze fear of ze spider and ze cold July night had made ze nipples stand all sharp and pointy like…
  
  That’s when the penny dropped. But you know me I always do as I’m telled (new English word, lol!)and don’t like to disappoint anyone, least of all damsels in disdress, so I said it’s a very generous offer but not here and not tonight my dear. If you like you can have ze warm bed and I’ll sleep on ze couch. This is what we did until the next morning when I woke up to find she’d gone.
  
  Later that day I called the house from the office to speak to Brigitte. I told her she was absolutely gorgeous but I didn’t think anything should happen between the two of us because of too many complications but I was happy for us to remain friends. Brigitte was taking none of it lying down, she asked me sweetly why not, could we not be friends with benefeets or what you call in English buck fuddies? (opps there’s a spoonerism just for you!) I said I’ve thought long and hard (lies) - but I don’t want to use you and end up hurting your feelings (trues)…I remember also using other words like ‘respect’, 'frogs and princes' and ‘commitment’…blah blah blah. After that we shook hands mentally and agreed to just be friends.
  
  It all turned out well in the end. Brigitte soon met up with one of her compatriots who swept her off her feet in a Mills and Boon with violins-in-the-background romance style. Last year they went back home and now I’m invited to the Land of a Thousand Hills for their wedding later this year.
  
  I’m happy that we were able to develop and maintain such a wonderful friendship to this day.

  
  

• Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

  Posted: January 28, 2010, 12:15 pm by Tamaku

  A long time ago, around the time that Trust Bank went under with our terminally ill neighbour’s life savings, I used to be flat mates with a lovely young lady from somewhere down south. She was a stunning black beauty (a deep-black gem a kind rarely seen in Kenya those days).
  
  One day she said to me, ‘Tam, I’m sexually and emotionally starved, I need a boyfriend. Why do the ‘half-caste’ girls have all the nice guys?’ Fact is some black Nairobians equate biracial (aka ‘.5’ or ‘pointi’) with superior social and economic status placing them somewhere in between White and Asian people. These snobs, usually wearing emerald-colored contact lenses, like posing in roach-infested nightclubs combing tobacco-stained fingertips through the tangled blonde weaves sewn on their heads. I replied in a lisp because I used to wear teeth braces back then: ‘Join the queue thithta. I know how you feel because I too desperately need a boyfriend but any caste will do.’ Anyway deep in her mind she was convinced that the reason she didn’t have a steady guy was because she was pitch-dark in complexion. You’ll be amazed the number of people who have self-image issues.
  
  So Janice went out and bought some skin lightening creams which came in yellow tubes, it’s not legal to sell them any more. I said please do be careful you don’t need that poison, you really look amazing just the way God made you, however if you must then don’t leave the tubes lying around in the bathroom I might confuse them for that cream I use to treat my piles. Her mind was made up to attempt to dilute her blackness and nothing would stop her. Well, the results in a few short months were extreme. Soon she looked yellow all over even difficult to ‘treat’ areas like knuckles, knees, ankles, and elbows. She felt vindicated when she shortly hooked herself a nice guy who loved to show off his light-skinned catch.
  
  One Saturday night we were all at the flat jus’ chillaxin’, too broke to go anywhere listening to Musical Youth, ‘how does it feel when you’ve got no food?’ when the boyfriend chanced on a photograph of a younger ‘old’ Janice in the drawer where we used to hide our stash of weed (highly illegal in Kenya make sure you never get caught or they’ll make an example of you unless you have friends in high places – lol!). He asked aloud, ‘Who is this?’ Janice looked spooked but she recovered quickly and lied: ‘It’s my cuzin from bek home.’ The boyfriend looked at the picture again and said, ‘Your cousin is one deadly chick’ but he didn’t mean she had chlamydia (now that's deadly) that’s just the way we used to talk then. Then we carried on passing the spliff on the left hand side.
  
  A year later I was overjoyed to learn they were expecting a baby. When baby Tandy finally arrived she was an original dark copy of her mother. 100% African.
  
  Sting in the tail is that the boyfriend left them because he felt cheated to discover that he had been dating 'local' all along....

  
  

• Life is about one gay at a time and keeping fit playing sports (long version)

  Posted: January 23, 2010, 1:02 am by Tamaku

  I think I’m getting a little lazier by the day. I resigned my job at the beginning of December to ‘pursue other interests’ because I believed life should not be just about sitting in endless meetings listening to the same old chatter and nodding like a puppy while dreaming, the sky is so blue and the sun is really shining brightly outside, how I wish I was working on a farm milking cows. We’re still looking for an ideal piece of land to come along at the right price. In the interim I get by on morsels dripping from freelance consultancy work but I’m not exactly overwhelmed. I even put in for voluntary work but nothing yet.
  
  George also left his job with the police force. He’s now a supervisor for a security firm (not the one that keeps losing millions of shillings in transit, ok?). I can’t tell you which one otherwise I’d have to kill you, lol! Anyway he’s definitely getting more confident; thankfully he’s never had that problem in bed hehehehehe. A long time ago I read lies somewhere (no doubt by a sad and lonely bachelor) that there’s nothing like an impotent man; just an incompetent woman. Some men! And the pay George is getting is way better. I’m so happy for him because your self-esteem can take a dent when you’ve got a college diploma but end up working as a Nairobi traffic policeman (many might disagree).
  
  Weekdays I normally get out of bed 8am-ish scratching my bum yawning and thinking foggily, ‘Thank you dear Lord for a lovely new day but what am I going to do with it?’ The demons in my head reply, ‘Tam, today you are going to do less than you did yesterday,’ and shortly after I have breakfast, cooked for me by Imelda (tireless gay-friendly house-keeper). I then sit sipping Sasini-gold black tea in the garden or on the balcony while I catch up on the newspapers. I can’t bear the morning news on the telly. I think that’s when you’re most likely to endure dyslexic presenters. One newsreader who looks like how I imagine William Ruto's and Martha Karua’s lovechild might look over shuffles papers as though she’s ad libbing, everyone knows it’s the autocue, sweetie.
  
  I grab a quick wash next, lately singing what, what in the butt for inspiration. Let me confess at this point, my friends, that yes I do pee in the shower. Don’t be disgusted it’s really textbook man-alone-in-shower and we’ve had this conversation before. It’s how men are plumbed between the legs even the bits look like taps anyway. After I dry myself and dust some nivea pure fine talc on my nuts I get dressed. Freedom means no more suits just tracksuit bottoms and loose kitenge tops. I then sit in the study lying to myself that I'll get some work done at the computer. BTW, there are so many unsecured wireless connections around here it beggars belief. Every other day I also make kit calls to former colleagues (to keep in touch). It’s easy to forget and be forgotten and I also don’t want to cut myself off completely from other humans. This goes on till 11am when I go downstairs to join Imelda for the rest of the day. She’s usually getting our lunch ready or doing some cleaning so I get in the way talking too much while drinking lager. I know it’s very naughty because I now drink at least 3 deliciously cold tuskers before lunch. But not the other day because I wanted to be sharp while live-streaming Clinton’s major policy address on internet freedom. Cheers and good work Hillary!
  
  Imelda is wonderful company and so, so easy to be around. I’m not just saying it, she really is one of God's angels. I love to bounce my tipsy ideas off her from the labyrinth I used to navigate that is branding and PR. In exchange I’m learning about accounting and finance (she’s taking a course at a college in town). Some days I forget about lunch (cold beers can numb the mind and they dull the appetite). So we play some pool (I'm good, but not misspent-youth good) or darts (flukey) in the family room which we converted to a games room and I end up having 5 or 6 half-litre cans straight from the fridge before 3 pm. Imelda never has an alcoholic beverage during the day unless it’s election time when we are nervously awaiting results but sometimes I secretly wish she’d drop her guard because I’d love to peel away the layers for a sneaky peek, see what I find (*major eye-roll*, some people and their filthy thoughts, eish!). She told me last week that now she’s got me during the day it’s like we are a married couple. I laughed but I wasn’t thinking anything like that. I just hope we get to that farm or something worthwhile to do soon. Check my CV, if you hear anything interesting please drop me an email.
  
  In the meantime you can all rest assured that I’m getting better at playing pool.
  
  (Pic is of the shoeshine bank on Aga Khan Walk - Harambee Avenue near my old office)
  
  

  
  

• Paradise has a name

  Posted: January 22, 2010, 1:59 am by Tamaku

  I feel a holiday coming...
  
  

  
  

• O!M!G!

  Posted: January 20, 2010, 1:09 am by Tamaku

  
  
  I like singing this in the shower...

  
  

• Chickens come home to roost and some want to touch your tits

  Posted: January 19, 2010, 3:30 am by Tamaku

  About half a year ago I posted here about my concerns on the growing security threat facing Kenya from lawless Somalia unless drastic preemptive action was taken. There are various elements from that territory (some have already shown their hand in last week's audacious riots in Nairobi's CBD) who threaten our way of life and the government must waste no more time in taking decisive action to smash them.
  
  Otherwise we face a real risk of having Kenyan womens' bras confiscated if they should fail the Al-Shabab firm-bust test.

  
  

• Which uncouth homosexual tried to finger Barack Muluka, eh? Now look what you’ve done.

  Posted: January 17, 2010, 10:11 pm by Tamaku

  I was sitting alone in the garden the other morning having breakfast and trying to figure out what event could have triggered the recent outburst from Barack Muluka. Question: By the way is it Barack with a single or two r's? I felt the anger in the article, it was very personal, I thought here’s a dude who needs to get a grip and lighten up. Especially when I read that part about coming ‘across uncouth male characters who will even try to finger you in conversation and try ‘taking you out’. Mmmmm....this one takes himself too seriously.
  
  Sounds to me like a distressed plea to get shown the ropes on how to ‘congress homosexually’ (reverse psychology 101 chapter on Spotting the Repressed Kenyan Homosexual). Yuck, these ‘journalists’ will try anything all in the name of advancing their craft. Ok fair enough Barry, you know me, always happy to help out. Only condition is that before we proceed and get you trained on this fingering business I must insist you first have an enema. Pure and simple. Yep, you heard right! No ifs no buts darling, fix a hose of gushing water up your arse and enjoy. You can tape old copies of the Standard on the walls to prevent any splatter messing up your room’s decor. Because shit happens also make sure you do it when you are all alone, they’ll be a lot of erm, previously unseen compacted faecal material. (The mental picture was enough to put me right off my breakfast,lol).
  
  Allow me to refresh your memory, dear reader, just where you might have come across that brand of fascist vitriol before. The unwarranted aggression and habit of conflating abhorrent acts of criminality (rape, bestiality , paedophilia) with homosexuality is spookily common to that toerag blogger ‘Blake’ who used to spew his lies here before he got shut down. He’s always whining about how he was shat on. These bullies who can’t take it like a man, I pity them. Since he moved to the other place he’s faded into obscurity.
  
  Or is this the resurrection?

  
  

• Go, Kenya Go!

  Posted: January 13, 2010, 1:25 am by Tamaku

  I’m delighted with the news that Kenyans are now using over 15 million condoms per month up from 7 million. It's phenomenal considering George and I only got together last year and also after that scare about 'leaky' condoms in the market! By the way would it be fitting to name such a child 'Houdini'? Lol!
  
  Seriously though, I just pray the statistics are to be believed because I haven’t seen anyone round our house rifling through the bins....

  
  

• Getting a boy to do a man’s job where cash is king

  Posted: January 12, 2010, 12:52 am by Tamaku

  Reading the harrowing tales of abuse that Kenyan maids have suffered at the hands of their Saudi masters I’m reminded how shamefully some gay expatriates and well-heeled Kenyans are guilty of employing male domestic workers (gardeners, drivers, house-keepers etc) and also subjecting them to horrendous abuse.
  
  There’s an abundance of unskilled labour here in one of the world’s most unequal countries, so some unscrupulous employers get away with paying salaries as low as KSH 4,000 (around USD 50) per month! for 18 hour–days with no shortage of candidates to exploit. The nightmare for the mwananchi (‘citizen’ but lately used by politicians to mean gullible slum-dwelling hoi polloi or The Great Unwashed) can start when he responds to one of those ads placed on shopping mall noticeboards: ‘Live-in Houseboy Wanted by Expat’.
  
  ‘Expat’ in Kenya for many locals conjures up images of better working conditions, Weetabix, evergreen money-growing trees on a well-tended lawn, red Corps Diplomatique licence plates and the chance to dine at the drivers’ canteen when you get taken to the Mara on a working-holiday, wow. Unfortunately there are also cases of some ‘houseboys’ (sometimes married men with families, by the way) being coerced to perform sexual acts as demanded from time to time by the boss. If you thought you had a bad day at the office, think again. This is job mis-description with ass-licking for real!
  
  Sadly a combination of ‘macho society’ and the fear of losing a job means these faceless victims continue to wipe away nightly tears of shame in silence, within plush gated- communities and the over-manicured kei apple hedges grown to keep one set of undesirables from the other. Another irony is that the male employer (saddled with the excessive pay and perks of a business mogul but usually working for NGOs to help the living-on-less-than-a-dollar-a-day Kenyans) is able to buy a veneer of respectability because he hasn’t taken on a female worker. It’s also a fact that Kenyan women form the obvious sexual diet for the majority of predatory employers.
  
  What troubles me still is these are some of the many people here who refer to an adult man as ‘boy’ or grown woman as ‘girl ‘ – 'houseboy', 'shamba-boy' (gardener). Might there be a perverse connection with the apathy that seems to surround the cases of child abuse in this country?

  
  

• What to do now?

  Posted: January 10, 2010, 3:07 am by Tamaku

  First poll of 2010 is here. Thanks for those who voted in the last one, I hope anyone who confessed to seeing me naked in their dreams has dried themselves up after a cold shower. Anyway (moving on swiftly) this new poll concerns the boyfriend of a friend’s cousin, a best friend and Facebook. I’m told the issue of cheating is one that plagues many gay relationships. Please vote and let me know what you’d do in the circumstances; poll’s on the left.

  
  

• What do traditions have to do with any marriage?

  Posted: January 6, 2010, 1:23 am by Tamaku

  Homophobes like to argue against gay unions citing 'traditions'. So here comes a video clip* that deals with some of those 'traditions'.
  
  
  
  *With permission from Keith Hartman

  
  

• Kenyans must come together to save Mau Forest even if it means giving Daniel arap Moi more tea

  Posted: January 5, 2010, 1:31 am by Tamaku

  We returned to a sodden Nairobi last night which made it a tad better for my arthritic knee after arctic Britain. I see that ex-President Moi has been bolstering his 'impeccable' elder-statesman credentials with his unhelpful brand of science expounding how scarring swathes of Mau Forest Complex with tea plantations has not contributed to any detrimental effects on this crucial water tower. And a member of his erstwhile government William Ole Ntimama has joined the fray claiming to have allocated the forest land under duress. He’s conveniently invoking the principle of following orders (Nuremberg Defense-style) because I know wily Bill Ole Ntimama is no one’s fool.
  
  You can say teetotaller Moi and Ntimama are like frequent whisky- mixed- with- red-wine hangovers; they just get worse and dangerous with age. Scientific fact coming up: More congeners in dark-coloured drinks will give you monster hangovers.
  
  Moi in his trademark raspy voice and toting a silver-tipped ivory baton likes to cloak himself as a traditionalist and a staunch Christian. Who can forget him in the 90’s striking out viperously against homosexuality terming it unAfrican and unChristian? In order to be respected, authority has got to be respectable (Tom Robbins, much respect), unfortunately most of what we remember about Moi is how he, his family and cronies were implicated in many sophisticated corruption scandals of unforgivable proportions. I doubt he has the sense God gave the crocodiles on the Mara River (when they lie waiting for wildebeeste) to draw less attention to himself.
  
  I’m 99.99% certain he’ll now be at the front of the queue; cap in hand, chasing a bumper compensation for dubiously acquired property. Let’s just pay him off and hope it buys him sleep in his sunset years.

  
  

• Passing the paper

  Posted: December 31, 2009, 2:24 am by Tamaku

  George and I arrived in London a couple of days ago to be with my siblings over New Year's. It was freezing when my bro Timmy and his wife picked us up from Heathrow, so much so that when we got to the house in Esher they had to sort us out with electric blankets and hot water bottles. We both had zero blood flowing through our circulatory systems...brrrrr and you know how bad that is for sex.
  
  BTW flight KQ 116 to Amsterdam for the connection to London was crap and I'm still annoyed about it but that's the subject of a detailed post coming here very soon.
  
  In the meantime please enjoy some Direct Drive passing the paper.
  
  

  
  

• Never forget 97

  Posted: December 29, 2009, 2:05 am by Tamaku

  I just wanted to say a big Thank You to all who visit my blog - much love to you all.
  
  I share Femi Kuti's performance here and I hope you'll feel the fire that comes with it. Only one Fela. I'll never forget 97 but I plan to keep smiling whatever.
  
  Happy 2010 everyone. xx xxx.
  
  
  Femi Kuti - 97 - Live Africa Shrine
  Uploaded by piRjtull. - See the latest featured music videos.

  
  

• Storm over paradise

  Posted: December 24, 2009, 2:55 pm by Tamaku

  Happy Christmas and best wishes for the New Year to friends (and foes) from a rain-soaked Nairobi. Last night the taps in heaven really opened but we say thanks for the rain because it was getting beyond a joke.
  
  Laters, and hope you all have a great time, we plan to.... xxx xxx xx

  
  

• The Doctor

  Posted: December 17, 2009, 4:33 pm by Tamaku

  I recently saw a poster on a roadside utilities cabinet near the City Stadium (Italics are mine):
  
  'Dr Hodari - Consultant Doctor (tel 0721 xxx xxx) helps in -
  
  * Love portions (Stir-in and drink from a horny goat's horn?)
  
  * Man Power (This deficiency is not about the lack of employment, lol)
  
  * Woman weakness (Casanova's cure?)
  
  * Family Affairs (Dear Dr, I have the hots for my son...?)'
  
  It's a mad world for sure.

  
  

• G touring on two wheels

  Posted: December 15, 2009, 11:11 pm by Tamaku

  My best friend Mike lent me his new Honda 250cc motorbike for the day so I thought I’d take it for a spin on the outskirts of Nairobi to a place called Kitengela . I cruised gaily feeling like one of them from CHiPs in my Oakley whisker black shades up to just after Mlolongo where I’d forgotten there are diversions due to road works. So much plant – Bomag rollers, Shantui diggers, Caterpillars with buckets the size of an average lorry. The Chinese really do know how to build roads, I think it’s all in the stir-fry. But this section of road is rough terrain and I was breathing in serious dust especially from the lorries around Bamburi Cement and East African Portland Cement. The air quality around those parts doesn’t feel too healthy.
  
  I got to Kitengela town at about 2pm and stopped at Tarino Butchery (what happened to Tarino the soft drink from the 80's?) for a change, we normally have our lunch at Mariakani Meat Park which is directly opposite or at Hotel Nomad which is further up the road. My helmet visor was covered in a chalky dust which I wiped off on my jeans’ bum. They usually have meat ready cooked so I ordered chemsha (boiled beef) and mbavu choma (roast goat ribs), ugali with kachumbari salad which was excellent . I laughed when I saw the sign next to the sink where I washed my hands: tafadhali usiteme mate wala kunawa uso kwa sink (please do not spit or wash your face at the sink). When I read it first I thought ‘mate’ (Swahili for spit) was ‘mate’ as in friend. Lol!
  
  I also saw two handsome Masai men in traditional dress holding hands and carrying heavy rungu’s (clubs) so I didn’t ask them if they were gay because there was 50:50 chance I may be very wrong.
  
  After lunch I thought I can’t stand that section of rough road again or else I’ll bring up my lunch on Mike’s new toy so I turned off towards Tuskys Athi, vroomed past the Ministry of Livestock Development Meat Training Institute (I swear that’s what the sign said, so next time you have a disciplined steak you’ll know where it’s come from). I joined the Mombasa Road at Devki Steel Mills and stopped at Zahra Service Station (please pave your forecourt) for petrol and to make a phone call to the other half who was so jealous because he was at work. I said honey please pray for me I’m on Mike’s bike on Mombasa Road and there are trucks and buses driven by maniacs everywhere.
  
  When I got to River Park Estate more dust went up my nose which made me wonder for some few seconds why people ever bother snorting cocaine but I was more curious about the modular houses which look like upside down teacups. So I went off to have a look but when I got there it was just a big black gate and no one to ask. Please if someone knows what they are please let me know.
  
  Nearer to Nairobi after City Cabanas I walked the bike in traffic for about 40 minutes because I know it can be fatal for cyclists when inconsiderate drivers suddenly open their doors. I was next to a 40ft Kuehne Nagel container truck wondering how flat as a pancake I’d be if it toppled over. I saw two youngish lads riding precariously standing on the rear bar of a pickup truck, just another way to get home.
  
  Luckily I just beat the real rush hour headache when I arrived at our house. I’ve just had a long shower and I’m relaxing in the study waiting for George. Imelda is making one of my favs for our dinner which is tilapia caught this morning but soon to be swimming in a rich tomato sauce served with KPL Super Aromatic Rice in coconut milk which is just so delish. That’ll put me in the mood for what-you-are-thinking-of-when-you-are-not-sleeping- which- is- sex. Goodnight all.

  
  

• He's back!

  Posted: December 11, 2009, 4:56 pm by Tamaku

  My dear George came back home last night. He said he had needed some space - I wonder do men get PMS? I was so happy to see him I said honey don't worry about anything we'll work through our problems. Our family is back together again and that's all that counts for now.
  
  Imelda and I missed Gee so much we had a small party for him when he got here, pizzas and lots of wine. I said a silent prayer thanks God for bringing my love back home safe. I also folded away my old Raymonds Polar Bear blanket that I've had since I was a little boy (I picked it up from my mum's on Monday night) and which I was using to comfort me through the lonely nights, even though it's been easily 20 degrees at night. I haven't been to work today and neither has George, we've been in the garden talking and basking in the sun.
  
  Thanks everyone for your kindness - my heart was warmed by your concern and your love dried my tears of despair. I'm sure Gee knows how much he means to me and to you guys too. Have a lovely weekend all. xxx x

  
  

• Honey please come back I love you

  Posted: December 7, 2009, 3:29 am by Tamaku

  George walked out this evening. We had a small argument, just about him ignoring me and stuff. I'm heartbroken,I love him with all my heart all you guys are my witness. Now I feel as if I'm going to die.
  
  Gee, honey I know you'll come to the blog, this is for you baby. I'm so sorry for anything I said or did. Please come back home.
  
  

  
  

• A pussycat growls?

  Posted: December 5, 2009, 4:01 am by Tamaku

  I don’t know what to make of claims that the world’s greatest golfer is ‘horrible in bed’. Part of me wants to cry and send some tips because it’s not nice when someone says that about you especially when your first name is Tiger - the grrrrr. The other side of me wants to just lol! thinking it might be a case of putting in the wrong hole....mmmm? Mmmm? Lol!

  
  

• Joining the dots

  Posted: December 2, 2009, 12:24 am by Tamaku

  It’s that time again friends. Yes we have another poll! Weeheeeii!! Well well, first let’s recap on what we’ve seen from polls conducted here so far:
  
  1) The majority want Kenya to decriminalise homosexuality
  
  2) Kalonzo Musyoka was chosen as the sexiest male politician
  
  3) The dream cock picked was the cut one (such fashion victims *eye-roll, sigh* but the people have spoken!)
  
  So what do these results really mean? My take is that many Kenyans will come out of the closet once Kalonzo becomes President of Kenya, but he first needs to cut a deal with KANU (party of the cockerel, get it?). There’s a method to the madness, please bare bear with me because that’s all the analysis my brain can process for now, it’s nearly full.
  
  So, let move on to the new poll which deals with bisexuality. It’s on the left. Please vote. Thanks.

  
  

• It's human to make it right

  Posted: December 1, 2009, 4:10 pm by Tamaku

  Remembering the carers on World AIDS Day 2009.

  
  

• Second Chances

  Posted: November 29, 2009, 12:00 am by Tamaku

  Two weeks ago I was busy with annual staff appraisals. I know many people I work with secretly loathe these rituals but they are an inevitable tool for touching base so we just get on with it. I had a copy of 101 Ways To Kill Your Boss by Graham Roumieu sitting idly on my desk which was a good ice-breaker. BTW check out what the genius Sunny Bindra thinks of these office games.
  
  One of my colleagues, let’s call her Cathy because that’s not her real name, has been troubling me recently. Cathy has a first rate mind and her work is greatly admired by her peers. But lately she’s started acting out of character – missing deadlines, turning up for work under the influence and generally coming within inches of being shown the door.
  
  Cathy is also very attractive and charming. You better believe it when a gay man says that. However this immensely talented woman is steadily gaining a reputation for being an easy lay. My colleague Sheila confided in me the other day that some clients now refer to Cathy as 'the Trampoline of Harambee Avenue'! Tragic considering this whispering campaign is happening behind her back and it’s the guys she’s changing weekly who are the culprits.
  
  Anyway she walked into my office looking stunning as usual in a well-fitting pin-stripe business suit and tottering on black heels. I felt an unfamiliar twitch in my trousers but I quickly telepathed a sharp warning to my cock, If your dick causes you to sin then cut it off, from the scriptures or somewhere I can’t remember where I saw it written. Then I said please take a seat. I had my nasty-Tamaku speech all ready: Listen very carefully to what I’m about to say because I’ll only say it once. From now on you must come to work to do what is expected of you. That’s called Pride. Bring your own morale with you if that’s what you need to earn a living. Think of your career and the lovely cold hard cash that comes with it. If you think that’s too difficult then perhaps it’s time you reconsidered your future here. No ifs no buts.
  
  But I didn’t, I just paused to think for a minute while stroking my sixteen greying beard hairs and asked, is there something troubling you?
  
  That’s when she covered her face and started crying. I hate seeing any tears so I said I’m so sorry Cathy if something has upset you we can adjourn our meeting. But she composed herself quickly and told me that she was recently diagnosed with HIV! I ended the meeting there and then but we carried on talking for two hours. I said you need to take responsibility for your life because if you carry on like this you’ll surely find an early grave and it may not be the HIV. She said she had not found the courage to talk to anyone before so I said I’d put her in touch with some professionals who will help and she has nothing to fear but fear itself. We talked about lots of stuff that she wanted to talk about like plans for raising a family. I laughed in mock horror when she said that she’s looking for a guy but the good ones in Nairobi are all gay. I said loudly nooo! In my head I thought yeess!
  
  Finally she left my office looking much brighter and more like her old self. Something tells me she’ll turn things around soon. I'm also praying that she does.

  
  

• Is this what you want for Christmas?

  Posted: November 28, 2009, 2:52 am by Tamaku

  Chris Brown - Take You Down [2008]
  
  
  Santa, please?

  
  

• Why I’ll never be a fan of Wan-tree-eel or Da Osi...

  Posted: November 23, 2009, 1:51 am by Tamaku

  Most nights George likes to relax in bed watching his cherished dvds. Note the ‘his'. NOTHING is ever allowed to come in between him and his favourite dramas. Last Saturday he was engrossed in yet more One Tree Hill when I came out of the bathroom from cleaning my teeth. I was happily singing ‘secret lovers, yeah that’s what we are, we shouldn’t be together...’ when he gave me that look which says sshhh Tamaku, can’t-you-see-I’m-watching-something-v.important-here. So I stopped singing and got into bed. It’s fair to say that my tail was in between my legs as I snuggled up to George’s warm side hoping that we would soon be engaged in some horizontal jogging. ‘Cause we love each other so...ooh...ooh.’
  
  Moments later when nothing of the sort happened (yet again) I started snoring sweetly (as I usually do whenever I start dreaming of me and Jeff Koinange sitting naked on The Bench doing something like an interview, haha!), that’s when George uncuddled me! Obviously the action on screen was at some life and death stage and my purring was distracting him so he pushed me away and I rolled to the other side of the bed. Arrrrrgh. Same thing happens when he’s watching The OC or that other one called Heroes, I’m not allowed to say a word in case he blinks and misses a scene. He says it’s never the same if he has to pause and rewind. By the time he’s watched four episodes I’m in no mood for anything.
  
  Now I feel like I’m losing my man to teen dramas. So unfair....

  
  

• Are Kenyan parents to blame for homophobia?

  Posted: November 22, 2009, 11:22 pm by Tamaku

  A comment in the Daily Nation following the news that gay rights will be left out of our proposed Constitution could explain the root of the deep-seated homophobia that exists in our society:
  
  1. Submitted by alfotula
  Posted November 20, 2009 09:49 AM
  I dont want to explain to my young children why two men or two women are kissing. I would not know what to tell them bcos idont understand gay relationship. Last year, I was very shocked by the way gay parade their affection in public places in Stockholm and I would not want to see that in Nairobi.
  
  
  My views on that? How about parents start by explaining to their children what TRUE LOVE really means? Surely there cannot be a worse example of woeful parenting than comments as those which display such helpless ignorance. Capable and loving parents are those who do not shy away from educating their offspring about the diversity that exists in the modern world. Any children abandoned to such an insular environment of intolerance can expect to be disadvantaged in an evolving future and the blame will lie squarely with their negligent carers.
  
  Brave parents who visit here, please take note - today’s homophobe is almost certain to be tomorrow’s pariah.

  
  

• Daft law discriminates against gay Kenyans

  Posted: November 19, 2009, 2:43 am by Tamaku

  Kenya’s new proposed Constitution will, as anticipated, not permit for same-sex unions. It’s baffling how this Draft that allows for adults to enter into unions based on 'free consent of the parties' would then purposely exclude other citizens based on their sexual orientation.
  
  What part of ‘adult’, ‘free’ and ‘consent’ do these legal experts have a difficulty understanding?

  
  

• 9 months later....

  Posted: November 15, 2009, 9:49 pm by Tamaku

  None of us is pregnant nor will we be expecting babies anytime soon. We’re still taking the usual precautions against that type of STD! Actually that’s how long it’s been since I started this blog. I must say it’s been one hell of a ride, very different from my usual writing that I do at another place. I’ve made great blogging friends and also had my eyes opened wide to the challenges that gay people face every day.
  
  Along the way I’ve had invitations to parties which I haven’t been able to attend (too old), received death threats which I didn’t take seriously (anon is as useful as a limp dick) and had shocking offers of a good time from all sorts of men (now I know why men are six times more likely to be struck by lightning than women). And even some women who wanted to turn me into a nice straight man. I turned all of them down nicely. Including the ones offering gifts (I’m not sure I’m worth much anyway, lol!).
  
  All in all I’m still enjoying blogging and learning stuff about myself and about people generally. I hope to keep this going for as long as I enjoy it. Some mean people call this blog ‘Diarrhea of a gay Kenyan’, ha ha haha.
  
  So, whatever your thoughts just remember that Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us - Thomas L Holdcroft.
  
  I love you all. Peace. xxx xxx.

  
  

• A silence that speaks volumes

  Posted: November 15, 2009, 9:10 pm by Tamaku

  My friend Cynthia Vukets, a Canadian journalist recently did interviews with a section of Kenyans from the LGBT community following the news of the Civil Partnership of Charles Ngengi and Daniel Gichia in the UK. You can view the full article on her blog http://lowdownonline.com/notebook-nairobi.
  
  For me more questions are raised now that the dust seems to have settled. What did the media frenzy and the shameful attacks on the right to privacy achieve? Where was the support of our LGBT organisations in the aftermath when three people were physically attacked by homophobic thugs? What of the police when radio stations were calling for violence against gay citizens? Where have all the peace-loving Kenyans who fight for justice and fairness gone?

  
  

• Gay baby's first words

  Posted: November 12, 2009, 6:13 pm by Tamaku

  Prada da-da!!!

  
  

• 999 say Mungiki Man might have been killed by XYZ

  Posted: November 9, 2009, 1:33 am by Tamaku

  Some events are as predictable as me getting an erection from watching porn. I notice not many people have come out to publicly moan the murder of Mungiki spokesman Njuguna Gitau, and don’t expect me to either. That would be cynical considering I didn’t know the man nor do I knowingly associate with the Mungiki. Ever since he surfaced last year I often wondered for how long he would continue to freely front a proscribed group whose members have been accused of running extortion rackets whilst carrying out the most despicable of murders.
  
  And yet something about the circumstances of his demise unsettles me: Perhaps because his killing has all the hallmarks of an assassination and elements of tacit endorsement by dark forces. This explanation of infighting within the sect lacks imagination and seems to me like a cop out. You’d have to be spectacularly foolish to carry out a crime of this magnitude in broad daylight, on a busy street that normally has a high presence of armed uniformed and plainclothes police and then casually saunter away.
  
  ‘Inconceivable’ doesn’t even come close.

  
  

• Where is Oprah Winfrey in our hour of need?

  Posted: November 8, 2009, 10:00 pm by Tamaku

  It’s wonderful to see the number of people who are standing up to be counted as gay Kenyans fight for their rights. I applaud all of you, let me just mention some of these fearless torch-bearers who continue to question our society’s entrenched views: from cartoonist Gathara, Betty Caplan, Dr Paula Kahumbu, Prof Makau Mutua, Rasna Warah, Onyango-Obbo, Peter Mwaura, Cabral Pinto and many many others this illustrious list is growing by the day. Did I hear you say President Obama? Thank you all for choosing to stand firm on these important issues in the face of a hostile and hateful backlash.
  
  The hour is now and the urgency has never been greater. What about you dear reader, can we count on your influence and support? Will you join our quest to end this discrimination of gay people?
  
  Now, if only Oprah could lend her support....

  
  

• Could this be a solution to Nairobi’s overheated property market?

  Posted: November 7, 2009, 2:30 am by Tamaku

  I’ve been researching on suitable housing alternatives considering that very soon George and I plan to be living on a farm far away from the city. In recent years the price of property within the prime suburbs has escalated beyond all but the most resilient budgets. We initially considered shipping containers converted into living spaces but somewhere very deep in our minds lurks an image of being trapped inside one during an inferno and getting baked ‘oven’ style. Hardly our take on a spit roast.
  
  So we moved on to study tents as a temporary fix but I’m not sure just how practical these structures would hold up in El-Nino type conditions. Just as I was giving up, voila we spotted this video of a tiny and functional house. We both think it’s beautiful, with all mod-cons and relatively inexpensive, now we are on the hunt for a builder.
  
  Take a look at this plan. I think most loving couples would be cosy in one of these. On a 30 x 60 ft parcel there might even be room for a garden! Outside jacuzzi and barbecue? You bet!
  
  I confess that Jay Shafer the designer of these masterpieces is easy on the eye too.
  
  

  
  

• Heterophobia?

  Posted: November 5, 2009, 2:10 am by Tamaku

  I overheard a conversation recently between two gay men: ‘Some of these straight Kenyan men are secretly grateful to learn that there are many gays in their midst. The reduced compe(tition) means they now stand a better chance of ever getting laid before they die.’
  
  I was horrified to hear this wet and rather warm mind fart.
  
  Nauseous.

  
  

• Gays in love

  Posted: November 1, 2009, 8:41 pm by Tamaku

  Let me tell you about last week. George was off work with a chest infection. I found it difficult to stay focussed with my work , sick with worry. Monday and Tuesday evenings I slipped into my role as nurse, lovingly rubbbing some Vicks on his chest. Mind you just on the chest, lol. Thankfully the good doctor in Upperhill said it was only a mild infection nothing serious but to hear poor George you’d have thought he was at death’s door. So I played along dispensing large doses of Tamaku's 'medicine' - whisky, crushed ginger, honey from Chyulu hills (the honey from there is the best, I think Kenyan gay bees make it) and some lemon with hot water. Aaaaah. Even Imelda says she’s envious of how I spoil him but he’s all I’ve got so I don’t know how else to be.
  
  Wednesday evening we arranged to meet in town after I’d finished work and then we went for a stimulating aromatherapy massage followed by a session in the steambath. It was the two of us and another youngish shy guy who accidentally let his towel slip to give us a flash of his fine nuggets but we weren’t interested. By this time we were both more than horny so we left the club which is off Loita Street and George drove us home fast via Hurlingham for some Chinese takeaway. When we got home it was after 8, we gave the bags of food to Imelda and said go ahead we’ll eat later. Then we went straight upstairs to our room. Boy, I can’t get enough of my guy and the sex is amazing too. Later I came downstairs and made us some bacon sandwiches because we didn’t feel like eating the noodles. Imelda loved them though.
  
  On Thursday I’d promised George we’d go to the sports club for dinner after work but I completely forgot when meetings overrun. I arrived home after 9pm and there was no-one downstairs so I took my dinner from the oven and had it at the table in the kitchen alone. The house was quiet, I knew Imelda was in her annex probably doing some studying for the accountancy course she's doing. The only other light was in the stairwell from upstairs where I knew George was. When I got to the bedroom he was curled up in bed watching a dvd of Singing In the Rain which was almost coming to an end. He didn’t look too pleased and that’s when I remembered oh shit we were supposed to go out! I said I’m so sorry baby sweetie but he was having none of it, he just turned the other way and said turn the lights off when you come to bed.
  
  I was feeling so guilty as I showered but I shouldn’t have been worried because when I slipped inside the warm bed all was forgiven. Believe me, nothing beats naughty-boy sex. The days when I lived alone and regularly came down with wanker’s cramp are well and truly in the past.

  
  

• Principles all Kenyans should protect

  Posted: November 1, 2009, 2:26 am by Tamaku

  I just saw this article by Professor Makau Mutua which is absolutely brilliant. It’s really uplifting to read these arguments which speak to the hearts and minds of all decent humans. I can’t add to or deduct from it but I thought the least I could do is to just ask that you read and then embrace the selfless spirit in which it is delivered, regardless of your sexual orientation. Peace.
  
  George and I are enjoying some tusker lagers and each other's company, cheers to you all!

  
  

• I don see nothin wrong

  Posted: October 30, 2009, 12:51 am by Tamaku

  Something for the weekend. Mr Kelly helps others to do their thing and nearly makes my screen melt. Is he good or what? Have a great weekend.
  
  

  
  

• Gay is OK: hit back on Kenyan journalists....by Paula Kahumbu

  Posted: October 28, 2009, 3:42 am by Tamaku

  Please listen to this powerful piece of advocacy. I urge you to say NO to a particularly virulent strain of hate that is permeating through sections of our media. Click on the link below for Dr Paula Kahumbu's podcast.
  
  
  Chirbit | Share audio easily | paulakahumbu | Gay is OK: hit back on Kenyan journalists...
  
  Posted using ShareThis

  
  

• Making up for lost time

  Posted: October 27, 2009, 1:43 am by Tamaku

  It’s no exaggeration to say the past couple of weeks have been like a roller coaster rush for the long-ignored LGBT community in Kenya. I continue to receive a steady mixed-bag in my inbox. Well-wishers (thanks all) have written to say how excited they are about the acres of coverage written about homosexuals and on homosexuality. Positive or negative, they are just happy to have this issue thrust into the open. On the other side a majority who hold a different view continue to be less than charitable. But hey, that’s the beauty we call freedom of expression.
  
  What stands out is the extent and variety of this attention. We now have a bungling priest who finds himself neck-deep in murky waters after his outrageous take on recent events. Mainstream media can’t seem to get enough of men in drag, and the public mood appears to be shifting too. Perhaps they think that all gay men like to prance around in their grandmother's dresses and badly done make-up which appears to be harmless fun. Nothing wrong with that, to each their own. I’d like to think that by next week a bored and desensitized public will think nothing of a front page showing a picture of two men shagging snogging. Next!
  
  It’s amazing how much can happen in 2 short weeks. Hot on the heels the government is now seeking to find out how many gay Kenyans there are. About time too! You wait ages for a bus and then 3 come along at once. Indeed these are interesting times but we still have a long and bumpy road ahead of us.
  
  So for now my friends, champagne remains on ice.

  
  

• Spread of Fartism in Kenya

  Posted: October 25, 2009, 6:33 pm by Tamaku

  I laughed when I saw the piece on KTN about ‘Gayism in Kenya’ . Everyone knows that is the newest political movement in town followed by the gayists and lesbianists wishing to get to the promised land of Queerdom . You couldn’t make it up if you tried, the absurdity!
  
  So I’ve come up with a new label for the so-called brand of journalism now prevalent in Kenya. It’s called Fartism, which is similar but not to be confused with Fascism. Of course those whose craft it is are known as fartists. Fartists are guilty of constantly farting and transmitting putrid smells in the name of news reporting. I would not be surprised one of these days to learn one of these fartists have gone too far and soiled their pants.
  
  Otherwise I have no problem with the vast majority of straight Kenyans who religiously continue to hate homosexuals. Ok, only one or two issues that concern me as a gay man. Number one, please stop covering all your living room furniture with those ghastly crocheted fabrics. I hear they are a little-known cause of crotch rot. Number two, could the men please stop picking their noses. I counted three men on the streets last week with at least half an arm up inside their noses, mining for what I do not know.

  
  

• No Fear

  Posted: October 23, 2009, 1:19 am by Tamaku

  Enough already! I refuse to be defined only by the toxic vibes of this past week. Gay people continue to be persecuted by a cowardly and inept media which shamelessly professes to champion justice and fairness.
  
  So how about it; I say let’s move on and accentuate the positive. By all means cry but also remember to laugh and make love! There is no doubt that the fight against this discrimination will be a long one but we take comfort in the fact that many have gone before us and won. We can count on being joined in this struggle by those who cherish and understand individual freedom.
  
  Group-hug, sweeties? Walk tall and be proud, we are gay people! Loving and caring is what we do best. We all know that the currency traded by homophobes is hatred and fear fuelled by misinformation and ignorance.
  
  Have a lovely weekend everyone. Here is some MJ, in one of his finest performances. xxx
  
  
  
  Music video by Michael Jackson performing Dirty Diana Album: Bad (C) 1987 Epic Records/Sony BMG

  
  

• History of the Nation that liked to talk...

  Posted: October 22, 2009, 12:37 am by Tamaku

  Continued from here:
  
  Friends and foes, that was the season when few tongues stopped wagging. But please don’t mention land-grabbers because secretly many in that crowd - deep in their hearts - knew that given the chance they would grab even more. They talked themselves hoarse about the curse of homosexuality that had befallen faraway lands where proud sons and daughters of Kenya were prepared to be humiliated to be given permission to remain saying they had nowhere else to call home.
  
  Some in the crowd went on a fast over those evil faggots, praying and talking in tongues wishing they be exterminated. Others fasted because they still had nothing to eat but they were now told they also needed to fast. After some time this storm also came to pass and the crowd dispersed, talking proudly about how they had stamped out the only sin from their land which would now remain pure forever.
  
  When they returned jubilantly to their homes, it dawned on them that nothing much had changed while they’d been busy talking. Those who had been poor now risked starvation, those who had been rich were now wealthy beyond dreams, while those who had been sad were still denied justice.
  
  It was said that the reason some of these Kenyans liked talking all the time without stopping was they believed that their debates would be heard by a God who would then make them a better People. So they continued talking, perhaps because they were also afraid of what they would hear if they only stopped to listen….

  
  

• History lesson of the future: Kenya, the Nation that liked to talk

  Posted: October 21, 2009, 11:51 pm by Tamaku

  Once upon a time there was a violent storm in a teacup after a gay wedding took place in a foreign land. When some people of a country called Kenya awoke to the news they were very, very angry. They started shouting, moving from radio stations to newspapers and then to the internet which they liked to use to watch porn now and again. Overnight every disgusted holy man and his favourite barmaid mistress had an opinion and amid much chest-thumping and preaching, they said how much they loathed homosexuals because God had told them to.
  
  On the following Monday a building collapsed and crushed to death several of their fellow hardworking but poorer citizens who worked at a place called Kiambu. Back then building codes in Kenya were frequently flouted and although people had even been burnt to death in firetraps the majority pretended not to notice this fresh tragedy because money was everything, and anyway this was a country where such things were expected to happen.
  
  Meanwhile the crowd that gathered was ranting and foaming over the gay wedding, perhaps because they had not been invited to the reception. They barked together, ‘Unnatural, Un-African and Against Religion,’ baying for the newlyweds’ blood whilst eating the body of Christ. You could hear the screeching over valleys where heavy rains in the night drenched thousands of nameless women, innocent babies and children who had been forgotten in tattered tents for months due to fighting which had broken out because someone did not know how to count nuts. The infrastructure repairs that had been covered like foundation make-up over a wrinkled face and paid for again by overtaxed citizens started to crumble.
  
  But for now the industrious Kenyan people were busy thinking only about another place called Sodom. They sharpened their pencils with the machetes which they kept under their beds and wrote to newspapers: ‘We are a God-fearing and peace-loving Nation. It’s an abomination. We must all hang our heads in shame and could the friendly Mungiki behead those sexual deviants from London if they ever set foot here.’
  
  History lesson to be continued tomorrow…..

  
  

• You're having a giraffe!

  Posted: October 20, 2009, 1:52 am by Tamaku

  A response to all anonymous commentators who are bothered to spew their filth on this blog here are some home truths:
  
  - Gays and Lesbians are here to stay and we will continue to fight for our rights until you commit mass suicide. Fact is many of you are sexually repressed with no outlet, but my advice is to remember that straps don't only belong on bras
  
  - 'Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww' is the name of the cheese you've got growing under your crusty cocks, taking organic too far
  
  - I'd rather cut my dick off with a blunt and rusty blade standing in the muddy waters of Nairobi River to eat than live a life obsessed with the sexuality of others
  
  Aaaaaah, felt good. Did you have a nice Kenyatta Day?

  
  

• Help stop the Talibanisation of East Africa

  Posted: October 18, 2009, 10:26 pm by Tamaku

  These are testing times for sexual minorities in East Africa. I see that there is a bill before the Ugandan Parliament to further suppress the freedoms of gay and lesbian Ugandans and their supporters. It seems that our politicians, many whom are of questionable integrity, now want to police free thought and the private associations of their citizens. I am aghast but not surprised that politicians have set their sights on this issue instead of addressing rampant corruption and failure of their State organs.
  
  ‘Experts in Kenya’, currently grappling with a review of our Constitution, have also cowardly brushed aside the clamour for equal rights for gays. I am at a loss as to what purpose this review is meant to achieve if it is minded to exclude the rights of any section of the society. Are we not where we are today due to intolerance and bigotry? The continued criminalization of homosexuality is one that cannot be wished away by old and tired arguments about being un-African, unnatural and only informed by a religious right. Kenya must remain a secular state to be counted amongst the progressive nations of the future. Current arguments against homosexuality are lost when you consider that bar the history of colonization it’s likely that it would not even feature on our statute books.
  
  People, whatever the sexuality need to be vigilant. Ignore these developments which only serve to make criminals of law-abiding fellow citizens at the peril of your own personal liberties . These politicians have shown time and time again that they cannot be trusted and given the chance they will further erode basic human rights. Please join the petition and let your voices be heard.

  
  

• Kenyan gay couple wed

  Posted: October 18, 2009, 2:51 am by Tamaku

  I am overjoyed that a gay wedding of Kenyans in London has made the news of the national press. We wish the lucky couple all the best in this new chapter of their lives together. George and I are thinking of the same, to deepen our commitment to one another - even though these unions are not recognised here. It's early days yet but we are determined to have a ceremony to exchange rings and vows witnessed by close friends and family. I'll wear white of course, don't even think to mutter but Tamaku's been around the block a few times unless you are a nun yourself. lol!
  
  We hope you'll accept our invitation when the time comes. Tonight we are just both so happy to raise a glass or two to the newlyweds.

  
  

• Photo of Tamaku burning in hell!!

  Posted: October 17, 2009, 2:20 am by Tamaku

  
  A reader of this blog (not a fan) who hates gays wrote recently to me to say that George and I would burn in hell for being society's misfits! Lol! I thought, mmmmmm, how would I look with flames lapping my body?
  
  So here you are, a picture of me as I would appear in the Devil's crib! Hope I haven't given anyone nightmares. Don't worry, dear God is merciful...

  
  

• Which is the better cock-a-doodle-do?

  Posted: October 14, 2009, 2:47 am by Tamaku

  Hi folks,
  
  We've got a new poll! Today I was looking at some of those gay dating sites and one thing that sticks out is how the profiles list 'type of cock', cut or uncut! So I thought I'd ask the burning question: which is the preferred model? Mmmmm, please vote and let's see what's in demand ;)
  
  The poll is at the usual place (on the left).

  
  

• Outstanding

  Posted: October 10, 2009, 3:48 am by Tamaku

  Turn it up. This is for all my special friends. Some Kenny Thomas....you blow my mind....enjoy. Deliberately video missed out because pictures aren't everything ; )
  
  

  
  

• Low standards in journalism, is excessive alcohol consumption a factor?

  Posted: October 9, 2009, 1:16 am by Tamaku

  The attempted exposé by the Standard in their Pulse magazine today was anticipated in recent days and even previously discussed in some Kenyan LGBT circles. People were waiting for when, not if, the newspaper would publish those photos of men in drag. Call it a leak from within but this matter has not just jumped out from the blue. Of course the only way the women reporters would have tricked their way into that venue is that even as women they naturally look like men in drag. Ouch.
  
  What was unexpected and laughable is the magazine’s attempt to tackle the weighty issue of sexuality. Clearly the NMG class of columnists you are not. The outcome is a hodgepodge of a team-effort by two mediocre journalists. Two wrongs don’t make a right but to be fair I could sense their joint sexual tension especially when they mentioned the ‘gal-on-gal action’ and ‘lovely’ Olivia. Could they also be harbouring a secret longing to be a part of this 'abomination' taking place in Africa? I take exception with these so-called investigative journalists who churn rubbish padded out with quotes from ‘anonymous sources’ and suspect ‘names-have-been-changed’ disclaimers. The temptation to titillate and sensationalize for the benefit of jumpstarting dwindling circulation numbers has proved irresistible. It’s also poor form to include the views from a ‘psychologist’ who clearly does not understand what she is talking about.
  
  Anyway that newspaper should be your first port of call if you are interested in headlines such as ‘Man charged with making love to a hen’ (written by no less than FOUR reporters) or if you are curious on whether Tom Cholmondeley has paid someone to scratch his arse for him with a discarded toothbrush while in prison. Today’s article which was pointed out to me by a reader of this blog is poorly researched, woefully edited and badly written. I can only say thanks for the interesting photos, I hope the gorgeous fellas who have been outed remembered to shave their legs and armpits for the ‘shoot’. Loving that green wig by the way.
  
  I’m deliberately more acerbic than usual today because it’s expected for stupid journalists to have thick hides, that’s par for the course in most parts. Those that don’t run a risk of ending up as bitter, broken alcoholics.
  
  Oh and before I go – I’m really sorry for that night when your premises got trashed by those bad men. Really. Everyone agrees that was very naughty. Now dry your eyes and get over it.
  
  Finally can I just say that I’m really a nice man and not vindictive at all. Miaow.

  
  

• Life is a game of numbers

  Posted: October 7, 2009, 1:15 am by Tamaku

  On my way to work I came across an old man pulling a mkokoteni (handcart) full of timber planks up a hill. He was obviously overworked and I guess underpaid too. I paused sitting in the traffic to reflect on just how tough life is on many people especially in these hard times. When I got to the office I thought to myself, you know what Tamaku, things could be so much worse. So I started counting my blessings, because sometimes we focus on the bad and forget the good that’s in our lives. Here’s some of that good that I’m lucky to count:
  
  
  I’ve still got 32 teeth, all my own
  
  My cholesterol is 4, thanks Imelda for making sure I have my 5 a day
  
  I’m on the right side of 40, so still lots of time to do stuff
  
  1 brain that continues to work inside a slightly big head
  
  I average 8 hours sleep every night easily not worried that our house sits on a shadily acquired plot of road reserve
  
  I have 1 great colleague Sheila and 1 wonderful friend Mike from back in the day
  
  George and I still manage to do it well at least 3 times a week without Viagra - Hallelujah!
  
  Safaricom IPO (Ksh 5, now Ksh 3.65) was a lesson but it could have been Eveready shares
  
  Only 3 months till I quit formal employment (yes, I handed in my resignation letter last week) – I’ll soon be free to follow my dream!
  
  65 followers for this blog (including myself), thanks guys!
  
  Blood pressure around 120/80
  
  000’s squirreled away over the years, not in a Ponzi
  
  7 times a week I remember to say Our Father - Amen!
  
  Only 3 grey pubes around the scrotum, hardly a cause for concern
  
  Over 150 facebook friends and 1 no-nonsense mummy
  
  So, those are my digits. Tomorrow I might get trapped in a lift on the 12th floor with someone who is on the Waki List but I’m not going to worry about that for now. What do you count that’s good in your life? And not dick size please, I know many of you are so blessed in that area ;)

  
  

• Rape of Kenya

  Posted: October 4, 2009, 11:55 pm by Tamaku

  Lions have been prowling Nairobi malls and streets in the ongoing Pride of Kenya exhibition. I think it’s a cool way to create awareness and raise some money for conservation.
  
  This got me thinking about a piece of artwork that I’ve been planning on getting commissioned. It’s a large fibreglass model of an erect penis (the height of 2 adult elephants stacked, one on top of another and as thick as the trunk of the baobab trees along Kenya’s coast) which will actually be a water fountain. This will be spouting and pumping the water into another huge model of an arse (about the size of ex-President Moi’s Uhuru Park monument). Later we can add sounds of an entire village having a simultaneous orgasm. Like a giant’s roar aaaarrrgghh aaaraarrgh. I’ll ask some engineer friends on the viability of a device to simulate the jerking at the end. Also we can have the water dyed so that it looks like the real stuff – I hear you, maybe mix the water with wheat flour? Ok, we can even add salt, happy? I'm loving the detail, you guys are so creative….
  
  The exhibition will be mobile going round the country to symbolize how Kenyan MPs continue to rape the country’s resources by their huge pay packets and still refuse to pay taxes. After the campaign we can just park the monument outside parliament with a huge ribbon as a gift. The irony of it is they'll probably fight amongst themselves to see who gets to keep it, their greed knows no bounds.
  
  Maybe this is just a lame gimmick, so if you’ve got any insane ideas to shame these MPs please share.

  
  

• Amateur Dramatics (same shite different day)

  Posted: October 3, 2009, 2:04 am by Tamaku

  It’s been an eventful week especially if you are ex-KACC boss Aaron Ringera (Ring-error?) who finally threw in the towel. Who cares that he loves Shakespeare? All together now: Oo-oh-oh that don’t impress me much ! We were paying you 2.5 million shillings a month so you can sit on the loo during lunch time catching up on the classics? Did you not get to read King John, Oftentimes excusing of a fault Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse? Good riddance. And the other one who had quit earlier , the deputy Dr Smokin-far-from -hot -Wanjala . What shame, now exit stage left and don’t look back!
  
  Anyway I don’t even pretend to do meaningful political commentary, I just prefer to heckle because I am so tired of our Establishment. Frustrated and angry is also how I feel. The other in this supporting cast is the ever-smiling AG Amos Wako (Whacko?) What medication could he be on that prevents him from doing his job? Dr Conrad Murray your services may be needed here. But this patient seems to have no trouble sleeping at night : (
  
  A breath of fresh air is ICC prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo, now there’s a true daddy! Nothing camp about him. No, no, no. OMG excuse me, fap fap fap, he looks quite hot too! I just hope he can come and take away the warlords many who are also thieves.
  
  How was your week?

  
  

• I love a bad man

  Posted: October 1, 2009, 2:30 am by Tamaku

  Spent the day mulling over ideas of what to do with myself when I leave my job which looks increasingly like something I'll do. Mummy says I'll be ok if I venture into greenhouse farming. People need to eat, right? At the moment just not doing much but indulging myself with some random thoughts, some dark.
  
  I love R Kelly, especially the early 90's stuff but I also came across this vid from the Shaft movie soundtrack. The gay man in me will always feel for the underdog. Hope you like. Let's keep talking. xxx xx xxx
  
  
  
  
  
  R. Kelly - Bad Man
  Free Music Videos at www.blastro.com

  
  

• Just a quickie

  Posted: September 30, 2009, 3:17 am by Tamaku

  Hi everyone. Just wanted to catch up with what’s going on. Looks like Kalonzo Musyoka takes the crown for Kenya’s sexiest male politician as voted by you dear readers, unless there’s some overnight rigging which we all know is unheard of in Kenya! Perhaps he’ll include it in his manifesto for the 2012 elections...
  
  I’m feeling down in the dumps and at a crossroads lately. Yesterday I went and treated myself to a 17-inch laptop thinking that would cheer me up but when I got home I didn’t even take it out of the box. I feel quite depressed.
  
  So, I’m contemplating quitting my job - that’s the crossroads I’m at. I'm thinking of trying my hand at something that I enjoy but I don’t know what it is at the moment. I can’t blog full-time because I don’t think I can sustain myself (and us) on just roasted maize and tea! And people who responded to my CV post only want me to send them photos of me on a hammock in just my monkey-skin thong. Don’t they know how itchy those things are around the crotch?
  
  Anyway, so perhaps I’ll start making jams and pickles to sell (Jamaku, anyone?). Or perhaps I could start a communal-wank where people come together (hear me out) and have a wank in a group while watching the same porn on a giant screen hence saving on electricity in their homes. Like a wanking chama. No? I really need some ideas, so please you clever people out there help me out.
  
  Anyway there’s the end of my quickie which actually turned out to be a marathon session. Hehehe. Laters my dears.

  
  

• Stroke it for me

  Posted: September 26, 2009, 3:18 am by Tamaku

  One of my all time favs. God, why Aaliyah? Gone too soon..
  
  
  
  Especially for my friend Paprika who is nursing a cold right now. Better soon hun!

  
  

• How to conceal a weapon

  Posted: September 23, 2009, 4:55 pm by Tamaku

  Back in school I used to daydream a lot, especially during lazy Thursday afternoons staring outside at the grassed football pitches and beyond when we had double Geography. In my mid-teens more than 98% of these retreats into my own world were sexual in content the other 2% being about food. Not much has changed since, just the food replaced with booze. And I was not alone. In boys’ boarding schools MUCH time is spent thinking about sex, sex and more sex. Just ask those who do the laundry. Most boys myself included spent the afternoons drifting in and out of a state of blissful sexual intoxication, if you’d looked under the desks you’d be poked in the eye by the numerous painful boners threatening to topple the desks over. Back then that was the main reason boys had that glazed over look in class. These days teachers need to look out for glue sniffing and mobile facebook. The good ol’ days, aaahh.
  
  I was nearly caught out one such afternoon during Miss Ruth’s class. She was a youngish beauty with a body that made it naked into many of my classmates’ bedtime fantasies. Many boys turned out A-grades in Geography hoping madly that they would be rewarded with a cup and tinker of her double C bells. On this afternoon I was dreaming about Dan our goalie who I’d recently discovered also liked ball play of a very different kind. Anyway Miss Ruth interrupted me out of my teenporn dreamland by the window: ‘Tamaku, would you come to the front of the class and present on the effects of rural-urban migration on African cities’.
  
  I wouldn’t because I was wooden down there. I’d done my homework on demographics and could talk for days but if I stood up now Miss and the rest of the class would see the tent in my trousers. So I hurt Miss Ruth’s feelings because I was one of her favourites and shocked everyone else when I said, ‘No Miss, you can ask someone else I’m feeling rather tired today’ – which was the gross misconduct of high school but she let me off on account of my previous unblemished record. I also suspect that she realised that beneath an insolent male teenager might lie a throbbing head.
  
  From that day on I learnt how to park my tool so that an erection did not turn into a wardrobe malfunction (I wear to the left, facing north-east when in y-fronts). Also I find a blazer buttoned up takes care of these embarrassing indiscretions. That’s the only reason why young hot black studs love their baggy jeans and why racist policemen who are closet gays love to stop them for searches...

  
  

• Afrigator blog rankings taken with a pinch of salt

  Posted: September 21, 2009, 6:03 pm by Tamaku

  I noticed this morning that I'd been propelled to the cabinet of
  Kenyan blogs at number 7 according to Afrgator.com(and 156 in Africa)!
  Surely that would make me the equivalent of Minister for Water and
  Irrigation in the government so thank you dear readers and followers
  for the time you take to drop by, we do have a good laugh.

  However call me a thankless bastard or one suffering from a dose of
  low self esteem (or both) but I'm increasingly looking at these
  rankings with a raised eyebrow. Is it just me? They seem to be all
  over the place for Kenyan blogs. I even noticed recently that some
  blogs have opted to move away and I'm only guessing that these wild
  fluctuations have not helped. By the way for what it's worth can
  Kenyan IT bods not provide an alternative? I feel like Afrigator ina
  wenyewe (Afrigator has it's owners)

  There. I've said what some are thinking. Gators have sharp teeth and
  they do bite so I'm going to find somewhere to hide my sweet ass even
  though I hope we can still be friends.

  PS: It's hilarious that as I was typing this out my ranking went back
  to my regular 19th in Kenya and 420th in Africa. Seems I was only
  Flavour of the Morning :)

  
  

• Please see my CV and help me get a job

  Posted: September 18, 2009, 12:20 am by Tamaku

  Hi prospective employers, please find attached my CV. You can send me your offers by email. I'm available for interviews most nights. Thanks xxx xx
  
  
  Tamaku CV
  
  Age: Legal
  
  Sexual orientation: Very gay
  
  Languages: English and pure Sheng
  
  Key Skills
  
  Dicking, bend and snap after some drinks, shakin it, ass poppin and dropping it like its hot with my boyfriend George. We come together (the best way).
  
  Interests
  
  I enjoy exposing myself in gents’ toilets in Nairobi bars to show off my package and getting free trebles on a Friday night in Westlands. Occasionally we have a grope with my colleague Sheila just to check the equipment is still in working condition for women who might need some attention. I also enjoy the attention of all my blog friends but I want to touch some of them inappropriately one day.
  
  Career to Date
  
  From: June 2009
  To: Current
  Company: Camp David Strippers of Nairobi, some blogging.
  Job Title: Certified Wench of Note
  Key skills and activities: Versatile, hot, hot, hot. Being able to move and throw some pant poppin shapes. Brilliant customer servicing and keep them coming back.
  
  From: March 2006
  To: June 2009
  Company: Tamaku Inc
  Job Title: Sexual Healer
  Key skills and activities: Training gay men how to blow and stroke hot bots while studying porn in local cyber cafes without being spotted. Advanced technique in hand jobs while driving along Uhuru Highway in rush hour traffic. Ability to perform complex origami shapes using just my toned butt cheeks. Also avoiding getting diseases which has been successful so far.
  
  From: January 2004
  To: February 2006
  Company: Nuts & Screws in Nairobi
  Job Title: Sampler
  Key skills and activities: Showing Nairobi gay boys how to look tight and what they should be looking for in other men.

• Mama was right

  Posted: September 18, 2009, 2:45 am by Tamaku

  
  
  Don't rush to get old. Have a great weekend my friends. Love ya.. xxx xxx

• Nairobi pornographers, prostitutes, perverts, pimps plus pushers pursue phoney promises of prosperity

  Posted: September 16, 2009, 1:13 am by Tamaku

  A mole tells me of this cameraman who was recently contracted to film his first adult movie at a boarding and lodging room now converted into a studio above some shops along a seedier part of Nairobi’s Luthuli Avenue. The guy got carried away when the action got too steamy, he just dropped his camera and proceeded to relieve his tension just as the cast were on the verge of the grand finale. The video camera lens was generously spluttered with his dna (jism and spunk are so 1970’s darlings). Some ‘swimmers’ even reached our hapless cameraman’s hairy chest and not only was he ejected from the set but he also had some explaining to do later that evening when his wife discovered dried and crusty remnants. Anyway she happily swallowed the old porridge-on-the-chest line.
  
  Irony of it all, I’m told, is the cameraman’s solo performance (faster than Bolt doing 100 meters on Red Bull) was better that the actors’ jaded fakery but no one recorded it. I managed to acquire the off-camera sounds of a very authentic ‘aaaargh aaaargh aargh aargh’ which George now has as his phone ringtone.
  
  Coming when you are called…..

• Confessions of a gay Kenyan student

  Posted: September 12, 2009, 12:55 am by Tamaku

  “There was this older student who singled me out for bullying when I joined a leading secondary school some years back. John, a prefect of my private boarding house was muscular and quite handsome in a rugged way but he started picking on me the day I started. The abuse was mainly verbal insults and sometimes physical (slaps and kicks), generally making my life a misery.
  
  One early morning I caught John peeping at me from the next cubicle as I took a shower. He had that hungry look in his eyes, the sound of slapping as he soaped himself vigorously up and down. I see that look even today in some older men who lurk in the bars here in Nairobi sipping warm lager from the bottle as they ogle at younger men from dimly lit alcoves. That’s when I decided to teach John a lesson.
  
  Days later on a Saturday evening John came to me in the common room as we watched TV after supper and whispered hoarsely, ‘Hey you, I’ve got a half bottle of vodo, come see me in my room after lights out.’ I knew what he wanted and he was taking a big risk – and not just with the alcohol. He looked so pathetic and that’s when it dawned on me that I had the upper hand so I whispered back to him: ‘I’ll be busy scrubbing my feet as my toes are itching so bad, I think I’ve got athlete’s foot. After that I’ll have my mug of bournvita with milk and then go to bed.’ I’m so busy galfriend. All these years later I still delight to recall his face crushed in disappointment.
  
  The bullying stopped then and John spent the rest of the term chasing after me like a puppy. I kept him keen with my choirboy smile, a dose of slow sleepy eyes and the occasional flash of my toned teen cakes in the showers pretending to drop and then slowly pick up my soap when it was just the two of us. It got ridiculous when he started writing me love notes and leaving them under my pillow in the dormitory (a conundrum for 'dirty room'). Then one evening before we closed for the holidays when he caught me flicking through a much-thumbed copy of Tits & Clits that the cook had lent to my friend Martin, I let John blow me. I’ve never been a heartless monster, I do my bit for charity and I didn’t want him to do something reckless that would see him get expelled that’s why I gave in.
  
  So on that moonless March evening John, Senior Prefect and Rugby Captain went on his knees on the cobbled walkway behind the physics lab and finished me off. All I remember is watching him slavering like a rabid dog on a hot day in Nanyuki. So desperately heartbreaking.”
  
  Normal 0 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";}

  
  
  As told to Tamaku, names changed to protect the guilty now married with kids.
  
  

• Dreams of new Kenyan trains by man-eaters

  Posted: September 10, 2009, 2:54 am by Tamaku

  The government has promised that we will have modern trains traversing
  the country in a few short years! I can't wait for the Nairobi to
  Mombasa carriages...wow, the fun and comfort we will all have such as
  what George and I enjoyed on this train from northern England some
  weeks ago.

  Imagine listening to piped Malaika as you shuttle through Tsavo at
  160kph! Magical...simply magical. And the widescreen TVs showing movies as well as the restaurants and bars showcasing Kenyan delights that will make your journey that little bit extra special! With first-class cabins offering unrivalled service...
  
  Pack your bags....

• Paprika allows me to misuse her assets...

  Posted: September 8, 2009, 6:26 pm by Tamaku

  My friend Paprika lets me put her boobs to some use while we enjoy
  some drinks and a smoke. You can say it gives a new meaning to fag
  hag....
  
  I enjoyed the ciggie afterwards - thanks for asking ;)

• Racks & Balconies

  Posted: September 6, 2009, 2:00 am by Tamaku

  Here's a spicy treat for all you boys (and gals). George and I met up
  with an old friend of mine here in London this afternoon and I
  convinced her after some drinks to flash her ample cleveage.

  Let me know what you think - there are more pictures, if you ask I'll
  post them here...

  I call her Paprika.

• London's burning

  Posted: September 5, 2009, 7:06 pm by Tamaku

  Just witnessed the arrival of fire engines attending to a fierce blaze
  at a business premises on Dudden Hill Lane NW10. Brings back
  memories of that horrific Nakumatt inferno.

• A time of sadness

  Posted: August 29, 2009, 12:45 am by Tamaku

  Tragedy befell my family when my young nephew and much-loved godson died suddenly last week. We have travelled to London to be with the family during this grief. Please pray for us as we try to come to terms with our loss. Love you all.

• The men are all the same...

  Posted: August 21, 2009, 4:08 am by Tamaku

  I've been very naughty this past week so I thought let's just end it how we started. This video pushes all my buttons, I think I was a podium dancer in a past life. Tina Turner is brilliant...
  
  
  
  Lovely weekend all. xxx x

• Tamaku Personals

  Posted: August 20, 2009, 1:08 pm by Tamaku

  'Gay prof Nairobi White male WLTM similar. 6ft tall, well-built, 32 -
  35, likes gym, staying in or going out. Must be financially
  independent. No twinks, prefer mature muscular, esp bbc and top for
  LTR.'

  A friend asked me to help him meet someone. If you meet the bill or
  know someone who does then drop me an email at the usual place. Thanks.

• Smelling lovely down there - The Washcloth

  Posted: August 19, 2009, 12:35 pm by Tamaku

  I've received an avalanche of emails from women ((ok, two) who choose
  to do their men's laundry. It's a plea for help so I promised to post
  it here so that the concerned menfolk (main culprits) can take
  appropriate action:

  'Dear Tamaku, I keep finding brownish streaks on my boyfriend/
  husband's underwear, sometimes on our bed sheets too! I don't know how
  to broach the subject because I assumed that grown men should have
  learnt all about personal hygiene. Please see how you can assist.' -
  Jane from Nairobi.

  Ok first of all as everyone knows I have a wonderful policeman
  boyfriend and he hasn't got that problem but I can understand how
  revolting it is to view skid marks leave alone wash them off. Yuck!
  Yikes!

  So guys please take some extra care and scrub down there well until
  it's fresh enough to lick (ehehehe) - simply soap and give it a
  thorough rinse, repeat until washcloth is free of debris. You might
  even discover you enjoy it (GAY! GAY!). And while you're at it also
  wash your own underwear. Or else get a washing machine.

  Jane and all women and men in similar dilemmas, you owe me bigtime! I
  may call in a favour or two soon.

  My good deed for the week is done.

• Tamaku photo 1

  Posted: August 18, 2009, 1:05 pm by Tamaku

  Photo of me and a female friend from our recent holiday on a coldish
  beach in the north east of England. We had just written on the sand
  'Tamaku was here' when it was nearly washed away.

• 3 advantages of taking it up the arse

  Posted: August 17, 2009, 1:28 pm by Tamaku

  (1) People won't hear your farts....

  (2) Less constipation...

  (3) You don't have to kiss while having sex if you don't want to....

  Have a lovely Monday and week ahead guys.

• Who is the sexiest politician in Kenya? Vote here...

  Posted: August 15, 2009, 1:17 am by Tamaku

  I know the way you guys like polls so I’ve got a new one for you. The question I’m asking is which Kenyan male politician you’ve got the hots for: Choose between (in alphabetical order of second names) Uhuru, Kalonzo, Raila and Ruto.
  
  The poll is on the left, it’ll run for a while (scientific research, lol!) and pictures of the hunks are below to help you decide.
  
  Uhuru Kenyatta
  
  
  Kalonzo Musyoka
  
  
  Raila Odinga
  
  
  William Ruto
  
  Happy voting.

• My hangover lesson

  Posted: August 15, 2009, 7:47 pm by Tamaku

  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix

• Home Erectus spotted in Nairobi bar

  Posted: August 14, 2009, 3:06 am by Tamaku

  I was having a quiet drink last night after work while waiting for my George when a female beauty (random score of 50 points) invited herself to my table where I was seated alone. She said she was waiting for someone too so we shared a table and she even bought me a drink. After about an hour or so I was shocked to be invited to her pad for the promise of a good time, it would cost me only 20,000 shillings (expensive for Nairobi, I’m told so deduct 30 points for over-charging) for the whole night but I would 'love every single hot inch of it, daddy'. Meanwhile she didn’t leave any tantalizing descriptions out. If you were eavesdropping you’d have been driven crazy when she told me about her ‘vet’ skills in mouth to mouth for male chickens (50 points). Dear reader I confess I was turned on by this stranger but luckily I remembered that all these are just temptations of the flesh sent by the devil (ashindwe kabisa!) and my mind should be stronger that’s when I started breathing normally and regained my composure.
  
  To be fair to her she was also extremely well-dressed (15 points), with an air of worldly sophistication (35 points) and would have easily passed for a successful businesswoman. And very well-spoken (25 points) I might add, I was mesmerised by her confidence and charm (30 points). Of course I declined the offer of sex from this young lady because I don’t remember how to screw with women – what goes where & how! You can forget you know, it’s not like riding a bicycle. Although on some pornos I’ve looked at it looks like that’s the idea some men have of sex.
  
  Anyway she’d gone by the time George showed up but I told him about my encounter on the way home. So we started wondering: is there any difference between a high class prostitute and a low class one?

• Mind games

  Posted: August 12, 2009, 5:50 pm by Tamaku

  Jeez, I can only think of boys, sex and beer - and it's only lunchtime
  on a Wednesday!

  What's on your mind?

• I'm... commiiinngg......

  Posted: August 11, 2009, 1:41 am by Tamaku

  Surely the best from the number one diva. Try listening to it while moving your head and shoulders cobra-style and the finger motion for added attitude, 'do you have a problem?' Is there a problemo? OMG, I'm gay beyond redemption, hehehehee!!
  
  
  
  Once in a while they let me come out....(Poor italics get abused. Please, not to be confused with Italians - not many are poor)

• It's a tough job but Tamaku’s got to do it

  Posted: August 10, 2009, 11:52 pm by Tamaku

  George and I had a wonderful time. I had meetings scheduled in London for 3 days while staying at my brother Timmy’s in Esher. Initially George was to accompany me while visiting his sister who also lives in London with her family. However 2 days before we left Nairobi we had a telephone call to say that their youngest daughter was ill with swine flu which meant it wasn’t right to visit. Instead I asked my brother if I could bring a friend and he said yes. It worked out fine, my brother and his wife have two grownup children who’ve flown the nest so we had a room each to ourselves which was really hard on us both sleeping apart for the sake of appearances. On our last night there I couldn’t bear it so I sneaked myself into George’s room for a cuddle and squeeze but I fell asleep until the morning. When I got up to tiptoe on creaking floorboards across the hall back to my room I bumped into my brother’s wife Claudia coming out of the bathroom. The shock on both our faces said it all; I’m sure now Timmy knows the whole deal.
  
  London feels like a home away from home for me, sadly we didn’t have enough time to revisit many old haunts. It was George’s first visit out of Kenya and it thrilled me to rediscover the delightful sights through his eyes even though the weather was being undecided. We even got to see where the real Queen lives and enjoyed a walk along Park Lane on a glorious sunny day. We went a bit wild shopping at Westfield mainly buying some le creuset cookware and Sabatier knives for our kitchen. Afterwards we went to meet George’s sister Alma for a sumptuous Italian lunch and 3 bottles of delicious white wine (yes, I started drinking again). We hit it off with Alma with no awkward questions and George was over the moon because he’d been agonising what she was going to think. Turns out Alma’s a delightful funny young woman and I believe a rewarding friendship lies ahead for us both. On our way back to Esher with shopping bags on the cab floor, we were kissing and holding hands like honeymooners and laughing and I enjoyed a nibble of Gee’s ear. We didn’t care, I got to know what our politicians' impunity feels like and the cabbie didn’t even bat an eyelid at us seated in the back. When the cabbie glanced on the view mirror he asked cheekily whether we were royalty from Africa and I said yes darling we are queens from the Kenyan Washoga tribe! I loved the freedom and safety of our anonymity. Thank you wonderful people of GB.
  
  Our final week we spent with Kenyan friends Ron and Steve. They are a gay couple who are ‘married’ and living in North-East England in a beautiful flat with views over Newcastle’s quayside. I’ve known Ron since high school and they are both totally devoted to one another, George said to me watching them together is how he wishes gay men would be in a relationship. And he asked so many questions about gay married life I half-expected him to propose to me. Oh well, I can dream can’t I.
  
  We spent some time looking around the sights (pics to follow) especially the breathtaking new steel and glass library in the city centre. Someone please start a petition: No more tacky bars in Nairobi’s CBD; we need a library badly. Anyway we also went to the gay bars dotted around the quadrangle of the Life Centre and even managed a session at a gay sauna (another post coming soon). Ron and Steve were marvellous hosts they even held a barbeque in the communal gardens where we met other gay and lesbian Kenyans and their English friends, it was fantastic. We had wonderful roast dinners and curries but it’ll be a long time before I forget our last teatime on their balcony overlooking the river as I ate through a box each of divine strawberry and clotted cream and all butter sultana cookies. We’ll be hosting many parties ourselves when some of these new friends visit Kenya this Christmas.
  
  From Newcastle we took the train down back to London on the Thursday. I’d begged an old friend to chauffeur us to a special place where we planned to spend the last night of our holiday just me and George. We blew a chunk of my expenses budget at the Crazy Bear Beaconsfield but it was worth every penny, you should must try it if you get the chance. After dinner we just lay in bed talking, but I knew we both didn’t want the night to end.
  
  ___________________________________________________________
  
  Tamaku and George flew The Pride of Africa from and back to Nairobi. The service throughout was outstanding. (Now KQ PR department how about some complimentary tickets?)

• I missed you.....

  Posted: August 9, 2009, 11:35 pm by Tamaku

  Hello fabulous people! I missed you bad, bad, bad. George and I arrived back in Nairobi from our UK break yesterday. We had a great time and I’ll post tomorrow about our holiday. I really missed you all, did you miss me? Well, we are both so pleased to be back home to friends and family. On the plane back we were listening to this oldish Phil Collins track on George’s ipod while sipping brandy. It sounded amazing as we cruised at 33000ft so I remembered to share it with you. My other fav while flying is Coldplay's 'Speed of Sound'. BTW have I told you all that I love you? It feels fantastic to be back here. Thanks so much for all your lovely wishes that you sent...
  
  

• "I give you this ring as a symbol of my love....

  Posted: August 5, 2009, 11:54 pm by Tamaku

  ...and a lasting reminder of our vows."
  
  
  
  Best wishes to the newlyweds.

• Kenyan gay is leading sex exporter

  Posted: August 4, 2009, 12:34 am by Tamaku

  Am I the only one who was genuinely astounded to see the blog Kenya Gay Youth currently at number 1 in Kenya and in the top 20 blogs in Africa as ranked by our friendly gators? Perhaps I shouldn’t be because the adults-only ‘art’ featuring on that blog is the kind that sells big – now, now don’t all dash off at once. Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining, I've been a fan since the early days. I’m all for free expression and believe consenting adults should be free to make these choices. I wish I’d have thought of that myself! So, big up to gay young Kenyan for putting gay ‘art’ right up there. (That’s me trying to sound youthful but as everyone knows Tamaku is a lonely incontinence pants-wearing geriatric).
  
  I see that the much respected and admired Bankelele has been relegated to number 2 spot, what’s the world coming to? Lol, don’t answer that question! I was tempted to headline this post as ‘Kenyan Gay Youth now sitting on top Of Banker’ but I stopped, thought it not appropriate.
  
  Anyway good people, look out for my new blog called Hourly Adventures of Zakayo the Smiling Midget Whore before Condoms. It's a video now with remastered sound, so something else to come to.

• Barack shows courage!

  Posted: August 3, 2009, 10:21 pm by Tamaku

  THE WHITE HOUSE
  Office of the Press Secretary
  
  ___________________________________________________________
  For Immediate Release June 1, 2009
  
  LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENDER PRIDE MONTH, 2009
  - - - - - - -
  BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
  A PROCLAMATION
  
  Forty years ago, patrons and supporters of the Stonewall Inn in New York City resisted police harassment that had become all too common for members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community. Out of this resistance, the LGBT rights movement in America was born. During LGBT Pride Month, we commemorate the events of June 1969 and commit to achieving equal justice under law for LGBT Americans.
  
  LGBT Americans have made, and continue to make, great and lasting contributions that continue to strengthen the fabric of American society. There are many well-respected LGBT leaders in all professional fields, including the arts and business communities. LGBT Americans also mobilized the Nation to respond to the domestic HIV/AIDS epidemic and have played a vital role in broadening this country's response to the HIV pandemic.
  
  Due in no small part to the determination and dedication of the LGBT rights movement, more LGBT Americans are living their lives openly today than ever before. I am proud to be the first President to appoint openly LGBT candidates to Senate-confirmed positions in the first 100 days of an Administration. These individuals embody the best qualities we seek in public servants, and across my Administration -- in both the White House and the Federal agencies -- openly LGBT employees are doing their jobs with distinction and professionalism.
  
  The LGBT rights movement has achieved great progress, but there is more work to be done. LGBT youth should feel safe to learn without the fear of harassment, and LGBT families and seniors should be allowed to live their lives with dignity and respect.
  
  My Administration has partnered with the LGBT community to advance a wide range of initiatives. At the international level, I have joined efforts at the United Nations to decriminalize homosexuality around the world. Here at home, I continue to support measures to bring the full spectrum of equal rights to LGBT Americans. These measures include enhancing hate crimes laws, supporting civil unions and Federal rights for LGBT couples, outlawing discrimination in the workplace, ensuring adoption rights, and ending the existing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in a way that strengthens our Armed Forces and our national security. We must also commit ourselves to fighting the HIV/AIDS epidemic by both reducing the number of HIV infections and providing care and support services to people living with HIV/AIDS across the United States.
  
  These issues affect not only the LGBT community, but also our entire Nation. As long as the promise of equality for all remains unfulfilled, all Americans are affected. If we can work together to advance the principles upon which our Nation was founded, every American will benefit. During LGBT Pride Month, I call upon the LGBT community, the Congress, and the American people to work together to promote equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.
  
  NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim June 2009 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to turn back discrimination and prejudice everywhere it exists.
  
  IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of June, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third.
  
  BARACK OBAMA
  
  ___________________________________________________________
  Great stuff! (My words)

• BRB, Flying away

  Posted: July 29, 2009, 2:02 am by Tamaku

  We’ve been busy with life and work stuff but just wanted to let you all know that I miss you and I’ll be back soon. Enjoy some MJB in the meantime. I love her too as I love you all. xxx xxx x
  
  
  

• Wipe away the tears

  Posted: July 25, 2009, 7:18 pm by Tamaku

  Time to Bloom
  
  This garden was forsaken long ago
  Abandoned, it became overgrown.
  Once alive with vibrant colour
  Now dominated by nettle and thorn.
  
  In the midst of choking weeds
  A single rose stood unattended.
  Fighting to feel the heat and light
  Of the Sun, as nature intended.
  
  A storm did come to pass that way
  Which left the garden breached.
  The torrent of rain swept the brambles away
  The rose was finally unleashed.
  
  Free to flourish and grow at last
  To feel warmth upon stems and bud.
  To extend roots far and wide
  To open up its petals again as it should.
  
  
  Normal 0 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";}

  © Kathryn Rutherford (published here with permission)

  
  
  

• Currently Reading

  Posted: July 23, 2009, 8:02 pm by Tamaku

  I especially enjoy reading Kenyan blogs, so can imagine my joy when I stumbled upon this gem. It's a wonderful blog by Terryanne Chebet. A real treasure-trove. Very nice. I likey, likey alot. You get the picture, now please check it out.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes