Items by Proud Kikuyu Woman

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• $1 Per Citizen, or One $100 Laptop Per Child

  Posted: April 6, 2008, 11:42 am by Proud Kikuyu Woman

  
  

  Not to spoil the party-I know we are following the updates on exactly where our government is, that they didn't go to Church so they can deliberate on the most important aspect of how to split up and form new ministries to accommodate as many of them as possible and all- but I hadn't put the government's salaries in dollar terms. And when I did I saw the light. The long and the short of it is that it amounts to about$30m (as in thirty million US of A dollars!) a year for a cabinet of 40 Kenyan ministers . I'm not sure that includes the P and the PM salaries. For a country of about 30 million people, that's like each Kenyan citizen is coughing up $1 a year to pay the cabinet. Or better still, for the the salaries of the 40 thieves, each Kenyan could be earning $1 a year instead. If we can afford this, surely why would we even need donations for 1 ($100) laptop per child? Not that Kenya is on the list of countries interested in it. Maybe that just doesn't fall within any 'steak ministry' -I'm insistent on not paying taxes! We are such a rich country, the coalition government must be glad indeed.

  
  

  Talking of which I finally saw it, the much debated about gadget (hundred dollar laptop). Its criticism notwithstanding, I thought it is a REALLY cool gadget, one that can get kids easily initiated into the computer culture and getting creative with it. Got me wondering what Kenyans in the Diaspora would think of if someone suggested that they get interested and donate the dollars in the hundreds per person, and in return decide where the laptop goes, like your village or former school? Lets not kid ourselves, we are so far behind the 'information age' curve that we need to do all we can to even feel like we will catch up some day.

• How About Not Paying Taxes?

  Posted: April 3, 2008, 9:03 pm by Proud Kikuyu Woman

  “Both parties are pleased with the outcome of the discussions in the spirit of give and take.” As in give more cabinet posts and take more money from Kenyan taxpayers. Even the people who form those rich governments that you said were going to build us a road from Mombasa into the Sudan are not so selfish, yawa. You think I’ve forgotten? It wasn’t that long ago. And these are the days of youtube. I insist on the twenty four hour economy, raisi wa makabwela, and kazi kuendelea.
  

  
  

  Beware, glad (I can spell alright) coalition government; the common mwananchi you love to talk about on the campaign trail is real. Be warned, too; right now, this particular mwananchi has no incentive to pay taxes once she starts making money on Kenyan soil. It makes no sense to her that Kenyan wananchi will be working at least twice as hard as the mwenye nchi to put Ksh 2 billion a year into the pockets of wenye nchi. For wenye nchi who will never form a quorum to discuss bills that concern the mwananchi. She has not forgotten that you never fight over your own salary raises, and back-dating your fuel allowances to two years for those fuel guzzling vehicles of yours. Ati each minister earns an average of KSh1.1m kwa mwezi moja . Bado MP wa kawaida hawajakula. I’m not paying. Not when that money could have gone to Flamingo where raw shit flows in open trenches for lack of a sewage system, right next to the pipe that (erratically) delivers drinking water to the residents, and where all the kids play. Not when there’s not enough money to build enough facilities for primary education or to deliver free secondary school education for all. Not when my mother has to give away her milk and potatoes because the roads are impassable and the buyers that make it there can’t offer anything better than the throw away price. Definitely not when the ministry of education and the ministry of health are considered ‘bone ministries’. No. Never again.
  

  
  

  I am not allergic to steak either.

• Buy Safaricom, Build Kenya

  Posted: March 27, 2008, 11:40 pm by Proud Kikuyu Woman

  Before Taabu or Chris rush in with some breaking news/stop press or shocker posts to blur this one, here is my opinion; if you have some money when the bell rings for the Safaricom shares today, buy. In most places, investment decisions are driven by fear and greed, but only in Kenya, by politicians’ whims. I feel like I’ve been preaching to stones but I will never tire of telling us to stop being held hostage by politicians every time Kibaki doesn’t budge. It’s been the norm for ODM to threaten the Kenyan government with mass protests every time the ODM side did not get what they wanted. Not that ODM goes to the mass protests. Last time I checked it was the ‘meat’, not ‘bones’ ministries that they wanted. And there seems to be no better means of getting them than asking you not to go to work (if you have a job, isn’t it sad?) but go protest on the streets. I want to ask you ODManiacs, what’s in it (protests, or boycotting the IPO) for you? Get this; Raila has not spoken against the IPO-why would he need to, he’s got what he wanted. The ball is now in all the wannabe ministers’ courts. Or rather the gun is in their right hand, and you are in their left.

  
  

  Let me tell you why I think you should invest in Safaricom and telecommunication in general-it’s not only growing at the speed of light (OK, that is an exaggeration) , but the innovations in place are making even the developed countries gawk with awe. DO you know that mobile banking is a relatively new concept hukos? Less than 10 years ago, very few - and only rich- Kenyans could afford landline phones. In 2008, many, even the poor, have cell phones. That is development, no pun intended. Safaricom came in as only the second national operator and was able to sign in multiples of what Celtel had in a matter of months. As I write this, they are probably in their 8^th prefix in the 8 or so years that they have been in operation. Their profits have been astronomical. Isitoshe, they have transferred billions of shillings to millions of Kenyans whom the banks could not profitably reach in their now 1-year old M-Pesa product. And you tell me I can’t own part of that growth if I could? Dream on.

  
  

  Second reason; it’s your country, own as much of it as you can. You ain’t doing no one a favour but yourself. I just about puked when reading some of Chris’s advice; ati let the foreigners own Safaricom, but not Kenyans. With all due brotherly love, ndugu yangu, emancipate yourself from that colonial mentality. It’s what’s ailing us. Kenya ni yetu. If I have an opportunity to own part of it, me I tell you (!), I care less that you think foreigners have a better right to it. Kwanza that will give me the right to vote and my vote will tell M.J or whoever is in the drivers seat how to run that Safaricom of ours. If I had the chance I would rather vote than whine. You?
  

  
  

  To the rumour mongers: No in my opinion, Safaricom never made any undue profits. They had the ‘second mover advantage’ that enabled them to learn what the then Kencel had not done right, and hit the ground running. While I’m proud of Kencel’s successor, Celtel as the baby of our very own Mo Ibrahim, they seem to think that Africa is one big market with no individual countries that are very particular (“Hello Africa! Tell me how you’re doing!” Sounds familiar?) in what they need. If my memory serves me right, Safaricom was the first to introduce the 100 bob credit that needed no scratch card. I first read it here that they just introduced a 20 bob scratch card that is within reach for most of its customers. Now that gets more people switching to Safaricom, increasing revenue, and yes - making profit. Add to that our peculiar calling habits, and again M-Pesa.

  
  

  Did someone say that Safaricom is under investigation for fraud in the UK? That is a blatant lie. Safaricom has been trying to introduce M-Pesa to the Kenyan Diaspora in the UK so that even they can send money home via M-Pesa. There are payments and money transfers rules in place that must be followed, and that’s all that Safcom needs to get in place. Some have to do with Anti-Money Laundering/Combating the Financing of Terrorism, others simply to do with ‘deposit’ taking. Safaricom had to do the whole drill with the Central Bank of Kenya before they could introduce M-Pesa, they will do it do it again with the UK’s Financial Aid Task Force and make more profits; do not be deceived, invest now.

  
  

  So if you have some money, buy!If I could,I would. However, if you have some but would rather go mass- protesting because someone thinks on your behalf and you do the acting, well, honestly dear, I’d rather you just shut up and drink the kool-aid. But if you miraculously survive and, a few years down the line someone fails to be P, VP, PM, DPM, M or AM and you end up having a strong urge to burn Safaricom House or Telekom House because they are ‘owned by Kikuyus’, ask yourself who prevented you from owning them, then go burn his house.

• Mtukutu PM

  Posted: March 24, 2008, 2:57 pm by Proud Kikuyu Woman

  
  

• The Road in Flamingo

  Posted: March 17, 2008, 10:44 pm by Proud Kikuyu Woman

  I just kumbukad this kashairi I wrote and submitted while chasing a scholarship in Dec 2006. I didn't have pesa za kuishia L.A to see if I'd be nominated for the USD 10K . Then the jamaas sent me emails mob sana trying to make me subscribe to a poetry newsletter or something. My goal was to get some money, not spend the little that I had. My shairi has a new meaning now. Its kiasi long but I hope you enjoy life in my neighbourhood in Naikuru. I doubt much has changed, except I miss my ex-boyfriend, in a weird sense.
  

  
  
  
  

  THE ROAD IN FLAMINGO

  
  

  The road in Flamingo is busier

  than a hive in the morning,

  Adhiambo can't cook enough mandazi

  by the gutter to feed the Flamingo population,

  Mburu's grandmother has to get to the market

  before the sun rises and withers the Sukuma Wiki from Dundori,

  Soni runs to buy milk at Sugunoi Dairy,

  the only place with unadulterated milk in town,

  thanks to the kind Kalenjin,

  Atieno needs to get to Pangani before James goes to work,

  Or, someone else will do his laundry

  Mama Karuga holds her three-year-old Stevo by the hand,

  and rushes along lest he misses his Math and writing classes,

  And Mathenge better run to School,

  if only to avoid the angry master-on-duty's cane.

  By noon, Mama Nguo has already

  made her rounds in Flamingo,

  and sold her imported mitumba clothes on credit

  Tomorrow she will collect the

  cash from last week's sales

  The man from Dundori has sold

  one sack of potatoes on his bike

  Nyaloka has sold all her omena

  fish to her fellow Luos and Luhyas

  Tony and Nini finished unloading the Coca Cola Truck

  And Kariuki Wakiraini has sold his usual portion of sugar

  and yeast to the chan'gaa brewers.

  At sunset Teacher Wangu

  finishes her after-school Math

  and English language tuition to three-year-olds

  Wangui braids her last customer’s hair

  Wambui tips her fellow brewers about the

  young police officers pausing as chang’aa customers,

  as if she doesn’t know who drinks at whose house

  Chali brings his grandmother’s goats home.

  And Kimondo picks out new people

  who might have cell phones worth some cash

  Mothers sit at their doorsteps

  cutting Sukuma Wiki to eat with Ugali,

  Chatting with their neighbours across the open sewer

  Fathers come home from the new mjengo construction job

  Boys go to buy maize flour at Kariuki Wakiraini's

  Girls light the charcoal jikos

  And Kamau Wetu is already drunk enough

  to give his daily political speech on the

  deplorable standards of living in Flamingo

  “Siasa mbaya, maisha mabaya”.

  The road in Flamingo is full of mangoes in January

  Pears in April

  Guavas in August

  Red plums in December

  And every day,

  The road in Flamingo is full of mourners,

  boys running around with no pants on, and drunk men.

• What do we want?

  Posted: March 16, 2008, 12:15 am by Proud Kikuyu Woman

  Who is being backed by the Americans?
  

  
  Yes, I’m back, wouldn’t you be surprised if I went away for ever! I know, I know-we fell out several weeks ago over what I called philosophical differences, but yes, I came right back. I’ll make this short. After all, it’s going to be replaced by other more important posts real soon. Back in the day they were called Stop Press, later they were Breaking News.

  For one, I’m glad that while I’ve been away, the fire-breathing posts (three days and counting!) are gone and we have some common ground-of sorts-to raise concerns. I’m still disappointed, though, that still most people are looking elsewhere for a scapegoat for the hole we dug and threw ourselves in the recent past. But aren’t we amazing? Ati America was to blame- I still don’t have a count of how many people America shot dead while they were demonstrating, burned alive or slashed to death? In America they say that when you point a finger at someone take a moment to look at your hand and you might be surprised three fingers are pointing right back at you.

  Well, now that the deal was signed-did both sides sign the same deal, ama one side did not read the deal, au one side amended the deal after it was signed? Whatever the case, good things must have happened for MK and RAO to be so cozy they are referring to each other as President and PM-designate. Works for me. At least it stopped the blood-letting spree to a large degree.

  Sasa the part I don’t get is; why are folks so disappointed? As in would it be better if RAO and MK never talked to each other? I think it’s better for these guys to be calling each other those sweet things if it’s the only thing that can make people live peacefully. Yaani kama hatuwezi jifikiria si we just let them dictate how we behave? Ndio sielewi why people are feeling betrayed, coz the option of not feeling that way is the ‘bravery’ of RAO or MK as manifested by not engaging in discussion, and we know where that took us.

  Another thought; it’d be a great idea if we stopped looking up to these politicians for our well-being. I know that’s pretty hard in a country like ours where the majority are poor and politics is one way of getting out of poverty, but I’m convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that only a negligible number of politicians are in it because they care (for us). In one sense they are hustling just like us, you know? Only that the payoff is much greater. Like if you make it to bunge, consider yourself officially out of poverty. But they are kiasi too selfish given the reality of every-day life for most Kenyans. I read somewhere that they amuad to give themselves a huge lump-sum once one’s term is over, plus monthly ‘allowances’ to the tune of close to half a million. That’s the kind of thing they never argue about in the August house. The kind you never hear about until imeshapitishwa. Sasa swali langu ni, why do we turn a blind eye to this? If equitable distribution of resources should start anywhere, that place is parliament. Hakuna vile they deserve that kind of money from the mwananchi wa kawaida’s taxes when mwananchi wa kawaida is stretching kindu 70 to get through the day. So bado sijaelewa why we deify these people.

  Ahh, the Standard! I remember those fights between Standard KTN and NMG fans. I picked this up from the comment section of the Kenyan Pundit’s blog, but this ([www.eastandard.net]) makes me want someone to reform the educational system again. Its basic multiplication. This ended up longer than I anticipated. Poleni.

  ----------------
  

  Kumekucha Special Features
  
  The very first aviation accident
  Fascinating accident this, aircraft accidents have surely come a long way
  
  Kenyan man who was so much in love that he gave the girl of his dreams a deadly gift
  

• IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN!

  Posted: January 13, 2008, 7:09 pm by Proud Kikuyu Woman

  Amid the finger pointing, accusations and counter accusations between the top dogs on Kenya’s political scene, I dare say; at times it hurts to be Kikuyu. Especially now. I can’t say I had not been warned. A colleague told me before the elections that if he were Kikuyu and owned any land in the Rift Valley, he would sell it before the elections-that at a time when I thought it would be best to invest in Kenya because of the strong positive message that a democratic election would send to the markets. It’s still credible to me that the ethnic cleansing was (God forbid but ....is?) not a bunch of random acts of violence by ‘wananchi’ against Kikuyus, but premeditated mass murder.
  
  
  Thankfully, this only happens to those Kikuyus who settled in the ‘wrong’ places in Kenya. Well, until they come ‘back home’ to Central province. As I write this, my mother has to repeat something that my other relatives did in 1992 and 1997-welcoming some of our relatives from Burnt Forest who, as per our conversation on the phone yesterday, have been through the kunyarirwo (devastation, total destruction) yet again. But they seemed happy to be alive and have thayu (you really have peace? I almost asked). It’s very stressful just to think about. It is expected that the kids will join some schools somewhere since theirs have been burned to the ground. I don’t know how long it’ll take them to go back this time-I am hopeful that they will. And that is the Kenya I am going back to in August.
  
  What I am yet to understand is why ‘we’ deserve this kind of treatment from ‘wananchi’ every five years since 1992 (except in 2002, but I’ll come back to that). One of the arguments floating around is that since 1963, Kikuyus have enjoyed socio-economic privileges that do not exist for other tribes in Kenya. There must be two types of Kikuyus. And I, and all the Kikuyus in my entire extended family, the two villages I’ve lived in, and all my Kikuyu friends must belong to the unprivileged type. Or maybe I just move in the wrong circles. But still, no one will stop to think about this if a politician thinks otherwise.
  
  Land: In my opinion, that’s the main issue. Kikuyu people traditionally feel strong attachments to land. It’s almost spiritual, and in some cases it is spiritual. Would tribal clashes be over if Kikuyus didn’t venture outside Central? Central Kenya is only so big and its carrying capacity can only accommodate so many farmers. Those who could moved to other regions, including and especially the Rift Valley. I’m not aware of restrictions against people settling and owning land wherever they so wish in Kenya, if it is done in a just manner. Buying land outside your ancestral home is fair and just. I don’t know how many Kikuyus own land in Kibera and Mathare slums, though, where the violence started. It was poor people killing poor people simply because they come from the adui wetu tribe, as per some leaders. So, land is only part of the problem. My brother will definitely have to move his small business to a more Kikuyu-friendly area. Poor guy, he hasn't been at it for weeks. He looks too much like a Kikuyu to even think about going back to those joints!
  
  Business: The selective memory again- Kikuyus don’t dominate business in Kenya, Indians, and now foreign investors do. Still this is no reason to burn down whole businesses and burn Kikuyus’ homes.
  
  Government: This is where Kibaki made a major goof especially after the referendum. At one point a fellow teacher commented that the cabinet ministers’ list read like a graduation list. But, guys, cabinet posts don’t go to Kikuyus, they go to Kibaki’s cronies. And it really sucks that you all see GEMA as Kikuyu when it’s the only convenient way to see things. AND, we had one undisputed 5-year‘Kikuyu presidency’ between when I came to earth and when we had Kibaki as president. Compared to Moi’s 24-years, why does the bitterness in 2007/2008 feel like it has been brewing for ages, why?? Pre-NARC, I had never heard, “Kalenjin ni adui yetu” or any reference to “Kalenjins have led for a long enough time”.
  
  Someone argues that even if Raila and Kibaki made up in public, the hate crimes wouldn’t go away? I beg to differ. Because the ghost of tribal clashes did not visit in 2002 when Raila said "Kibaki Tosha" and Moi and Uhuru were an item. Kenyans love peace, but only at the politicians call.
  
  Therefore:
  1) We Kenyans must learn to think for ourselves and not see things only through the politicians’ lenses.
  2) Politicians need to use their influence for the good of Kenya, not just to get themselves in office.
  3) Should we redefine the concept of democracy? So that it's not just pure numbers that determine who wins? Because as long as there is a numerical tribal majority -call it Kikuyu /GEMA or whatever-in a country where tribes vote as blocs for ‘one of our own’, __________fill in the blanks.
  4) We clearly need institutions in place that ensure that its not a winner-takes all situation.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes