Items by nikolas
th3 int3llig3nsi4
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Patra – Worker Man
Posted: November 17, 2011, 2:06 pm by NiKolaS
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Beam me Down the Road Scotty
Posted: October 11, 2011, 11:25 pm by NiKolaS
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Car Jumping Rope
Posted: October 11, 2011, 3:23 pm by NiKolaS
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Just for laughs
Posted: September 14, 2011, 11:32 am by NiKolaS
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IBM Commuter Pain Index
Posted: September 9, 2011, 3:25 pm by NiKolaS
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Navigating those cones like a boss!
Posted: July 25, 2011, 5:07 pm by NiKolaS
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Some Isuzu Gemini Ads From the 70s.
Posted: July 19, 2011, 2:12 pm by NiKolaS
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Not many fucks were given that day.
Posted: July 12, 2011, 8:32 am by NiKolaS
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That is what I call a ...
Posted: June 22, 2011, 11:00 pm by NiKolaS
That is what I call a win, not the idiot in the Daewoo, lucky fucker that he is, lack of judgement saved by (quite some) *skill* (could have righted in fewer turns if he didnt over-correct), if you choose to call it that, but the dude in the blue car who took rapidly for the soft shoulder avoiding a major collision is my hero.
| Praise You ^ Fatboy Slim |
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Why?
Posted: June 22, 2011, 8:33 pm by NiKolaS
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How I miss The IT Crowd…
Posted: June 18, 2011, 1:22 pm by NiKolaS
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The Benefits of Self Restraint
Posted: March 31, 2011, 5:33 pm by NiKolaS
“Cellular communication, text messaging, squeaking (Tweeting)…. these distractions feed the ever growing beast called instant gratification… if you keep in constant communication with your lover she will get to know you too well…. you lose the thrill of discovery, the mystery of not knowing; secrets if handled properly can be extremely alluring…. the(se are the) benefits of self restraint.”
Dr Mallard, NCIS
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Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-03-22
Posted: March 21, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- Forgive me for I have sinned.
It has been 22 hours since I logged onto Twitter. # - I think it humane to be put down. I have such a massive headache that like pets it would be a great mercy if this was achieved in my case. #
- "Yes, I need to be put down immediately!"
"Right now?"
"Of course!"
"With this?"
"No you bleeding idiot put the gun down, just unhand me!" # - My head is an odd place to be, I sometimes get lost in there, Google Mind View hasn't been invented yet either. #
- This is a win in my book! I am totally constructing this for my car. [t.co] #
- I just landed a whale!
The Coast Guard is going to be miffed since they have to drag it back into the ocean to clear the beach. # - Ring me. #
- Oops, wrong window. #
- With my new no shaving policy I shall soon be the spitting image of an 80s porn star. #
- I don't get hints; either this wine tastes fruity or throws caution to the wind and falls full bodied out of the closet…sorry…cupboard. #
- I shall take my hand and show myself out; no need for the stocky well coiffured men wielding the straight jacket and windowless padded van. #
- I am not as well spoken as I imagine myself to be.
I understand that some people speak ill of me.
i hope this will not make me ill. # - I am way out of touch with many people since I am tall and I hold them at arm's length when I meet them. #
- Morning wood is when you go out to fetch wood for the boiler to heat up water for your morning shower, right? #
- Today beat me like I stole it's lunch money.
Unrelated: I have a ton of blood covered rocks for sale, anyone? # - Some days you get swerved around others you just get run over for being invisible and inconsequential. #
- You are like, pardon me? And dude goes, you said something? I was too busy basking in my own awesomeness. #
- I am supposed to be the fucking awesome one who is supposed to be basked in, and such. ::sigh:: #
- Fuck today and whichever high horse it rode in on. #
- What do Obama and horses have in common? (Yes, correct!) [t.co] #
- Sleep is banging on my eyelids and things yet there is still about 20 hours before bedtime. #
- You know that walking on water?
Totally CGI. Who's got a towel to spare? # - Are you hard or difficult?
The answer is, as you can already tell, requires you to be quite succinct. # - Now that Favstar is down I can take of my Kevlar body armour and helmet. #
- I used to run a Hardware Store but I had to close down after retirement and sell Software in it's stead. #
- "Yes, this be one of my bitches!"
Me, introducing my dog. # - Anyone who complains about being unfollowed shall instantly have more to moan about.
They aren't listening to you anymore so why should we? # - Now there is a fucking choir practicing in my neighbourhood? When did I move into the ghetto? Right. Off to fling water balloons at them. #
- Usually its she said, then I heard he did, then later I'm handed my bags and asked to leave the keys to her flat on the table on my way out. #
- I think I can see a pattern here, or not, I'm terrible at mathematics. #
- "I'm all eyes."
- A potato. # - I never can find a phone booth to change in whenever I am in need of one. #
- The moon is so bright tonight that I suspect it just had an orgasm or is pregnant, i never could tell those two apart. #
- Forgive me for I have sinned.
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Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-03-15
Posted: March 14, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- This is the time of year when trees leave.
All their leaves are falling off.
You can also say the leaves are taking leave.
I leave too. # - Four reasons why you should never buy a rental car and things to do on your free weekend at the track. [t.co] (video) #
- Yesterday's House Episode (S07`E15) was so bad that I think they just made the yardstick for how terrible a show could ever be. #
- These Apprentice guys should just be given a ring and let them have a go at pummelling each other to death, that would make great TV. #
- Now melting in a 'management' meeting. Please send a sniper, not for me but for this poor sod prattling on with a full presentation. #
- Belay that last order, find the person who invented meetings and shoot them instead even if they are dead. #
- I can't wait for a gust of wind to crash this party! [t.co] #
- If I showed them my Twitter account do you think they would let me park in the Handicapped spot? #
- This is such a gorgeous sunset. By the time you shall turn around to see it shall be gone. This is the nature of sunsets. #
- Drat! It's wednesday and I haven't made my obligatory hump day joke. I hope this counts. #
- How I wish my neighbour would turn the volume down on her baby or at the very least muffle it with a pillow. #
- Humping Wednesday for all it's worth but it won't relent. It must have given something else up for lent. #
- "No, I wasn't banging on the bedroom floor, I was using the hammer on the bed which lies on said floor, why do you ask Officer?" #
- Test from Airtel to Twitter text messaging. Now it costs me one bob shillings to tweet you lot over text. #
- Oh how text to Twitter vastly increases the likelihood of supreme text and dm fails. All real time by the way. #
- Was that a Text or a Tweet. Frantically refreshing profile page. #
- Oh my goodness, 110 stopped following me, is it something I said?
No, don't answer that, there are still around 2000 who are still here. TY # - I assure you officer, this *is* Tiger Blood. It's just that I left it out in the sun too long and it burnt to ash. #
- Dude, in exactly one day my trousers have gone from stylish to something that is best used as curtain material.
Must trousers be so tight? # - To the dude who yelled out, "the British are coming!" why in fucking hell was he looking in their bedroom windows? #
- Doing Charlie Sheen.
Something tells me that I am not doing this right. # - Jimmi has the best alibi ever. Who would ever suspect him after that ad? #
- Every time I find an account that has blocked me I reward myself by eating an entire pizza.
I need wider doors and a larger motor car. # - The Mayans may have been onto something. Prayers for Japan. #
- I am totally that guy who just cut you off. So what are you going to do about it? Wait, what does this right pedal do, hey where did you go? #
- I wish I had had time to have a food for lunch. #
- Do you wish for a long life after retirement of wish that you could just perish and leave that to the birds? #
- If you make me laugh you get a star and possibly a retweet.
If you make me laugh till I pee my pants you get a ToTD, also if you touch me. # - I am going to lie here and let life walk on by. #
- InSecurity is so horridly hilarious I am glued to watching it forever. #
- I need to find more ways to disconnect from the world. #
- Blacked out on the couch for a couple of hours. Made out with back rest for a while before I realised it wasn't who I imagined it was. #
- This is why I win at life Internet. #
- Shit. Now I cannot fall asleep again. Shoot me now please. #
- Anyone else hate speaking very loudly into your telephones?
Raise your hands. # - I hate being in traffic since you always have your nose up someone else's bum for hours on end. #
- Plus I'm terrible at following, I'd rather lead, that's if you can catch me. #
- This handbag business has gone out of hand (literally) with lasses lugging around luggage in their guise. #
- Monday, these are the rules by which you must abide: [t.co] #
- I am absolutely horrid when I am hungry.
Poor sod at Zuku who took my call just now bore the brunt of my frustrations with their Internet. #
- This is the time of year when trees leave.
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Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-03-07
Posted: March 7, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- Ken Block's alternate edits of Gymkhana 3. [t.co] Someone please pass me some unsoiled trousers, these ones are done. #
- I am watching Charlie Sheen on TMZ. Send help. #
- You would think that Mensa would be more afraid of the Zombie apocalypse. #
- Ooooh, I will make it rain, make you so wet… #
- Part of the reason I am not allowed to anchor the Weather Forecast. #
- Current status. Huddling under my desk. If anyone asks I am looking for a mouse. #
- My bucket list has a large bucket listed on there. #
- I think you mean so high, it is a gypsy thing with these VW Kombis. @Princess_Regent in reply to Princess_Regent #
- You can shove it up my Twitter. #
- Throwing my hands up in the air like how I imagine people who have not a care in the world would do. #
- At this rate even my bank shall shortly have targeted Google Ads running on their website. #
- I would have imagined that my dentist knew that i was going to take a bite out of his fingers when he stabbed me in a cavity. #
- This driver should go up on Badass of the week. [t.co] Drifting around three Police cars like motherfuckers come get me! #
- It is supremely stupid that the last kilometre home is where I spend twice the time it took me to cover the previous twelve. #
- How you ask? Arboretum drive chocked by traffic turning right towards Riverside drive. #
- If someone would put #overlapke on those last two tweets that would be terribly kind. Thank you. #
- I'm trying to write "The Best of Coldplay."
Should the quotation marks be on the word ::best::, ::Coldplay:: or the entire title? # - Don't ever name your child Clint.
Just trust me on this one. # - A little autotune and everybody decides that they are a fucking musician. #
- Charlie Sheen is tottering at the edge and the only reason he won't fall off is that he is so high he couldn't find bottom if he fell on it. #
- They took a sledgehammer to the current iPad and added 2 to it's name.
I shall do the same to mine. # - iOS 4.3 will no longer support the iPhone 3G. Not sure what to think. It had a good run though. #
- Well, the policeman said "drop them," then neglected to mention that *them* meant my guns not my trousers. #
- I call this an expresso. Ignore that it was made with instant coffee, albeit with an entire can. #
- You are the one I want to grow old with but at this rate I shall get there a lot sooner that I expect you will. #
- If anyone asks I'm only here to test the internet.
Obviously it works as evidenced by you being able to read this but lets not nitpick. # - I must stop eating cake on my couch. At this point the couch has eaten, Cookie Monster style, at last count, about twice as much cake as I. #
- I'm not feeling funny recently and not in the manner you are thinking right now, the haha kind. #
- Would all iPhone users kindly leave the default "Marimba" as their ringtone. Hate having to give myself a pat down every time a phone rings. #
- These pants are so tight my wallet wouldn't fit in the pseudo pockets, where did I leave my purse? #
- The sheen is gone. #
- The new Twitter for iPhone is here. See what they added just for you @69mb? [t.co] #
- If only… [t.co] #
- Ok, so I went and followed Friday and so far the only thing she has tweeted is something to do with T.G.I.F. Most disappointing. #
- Trying to log into this timber website but apparently I my browser will not be let in on account that it doesn't eat confectionery. #
- I would tell a short joke but it wouldn't fit. #
- Whenever a pedestrian gets cross at me at a zebra crossing I let them know the reason I didn't hit them was that that would dent my car. #
- Kept me hanging long so I had to hang up, had you put me ::on hold:: I would've held on longer since I would have the nice lady to speak at. #
- I am forming a band.
I want to hop onto this bandwagon I have heard so much about. # - Help! Help? The dust bunnies are here and are trying to eat me!
Wait, one that looks like the leader tells me that they just want a cuddle. # - I wish being awake at this time on a Sunday morning could be seconded by the fact that I was about to have coitus. #
- I am a strong dependent man. #
- Selling my dreams for a dollar and a warm bosom. #
- But there is no way in hell am I singing for my supper. You would not like it anyhow. #
- If your car isn't displaying some sort of understeer or oversteer you probably aren't turning hard enough. #
- something about a tree with fruiting avocados and my favourite parking spot at home which took out my rear windscreen. @jusblackman in reply to jusblackman #
- I am so bad at Twitter that whenever I follow someone back they commit twittercide. That or something else. I like this reason though. #
- If I could keep my eyes open I would be awake I suppose but right now I'm asleep. #
- Looks like I'm on a certain leaderboard. I take what I can get. [t.co] #
- I am insisting on wearing my flak jacket to work this week and no one will stop me. Well, also I am invincible in it, so there. #
- This button here on the File Menu says "Quit Twitter."
I have tried it several times and I am still here, it must be broken. # - I have just listened to some ::music:: by this Ragga Dee character; @bazanye i feel your pain, you ::have:: to share a city with him? #
- Hammers are very versatile, excellent for a myriad of tasks; from killing people to putting phones on silent mode.
Nails, not so much. # - Now that we have gotten Ragga Dee out of the way and discovered that he was revenge for Prezzo, who takes ownership of Dully Sykes? #
- Dr. Rekebisha – Father Xmas. #Mzeeniwewe #
- #NowPlaying Good Life by Inner City and I realise how long ago that song was sung and how timeless it still is. ::hobbling about (dancing):: #
- This is not part of my music collection.
As they say, denial is not just a river in Egypt. [t.co] # - I'm not buying a cow when I know I can continue milking my neighbours' for free. #
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Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-03-01
Posted: February 28, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- I remember, with much pain, that time I was naked and thought that i had my nunchaku with me. #
- Drat, my package is bent. #
- We are all retarded drivers. Shame on us, all of us. Think before you move. [t.co] #
- I might say the dog's mistress but this might be misconstrued to mean something altogether different. #
- A dog's master on the other hand is oddly very specific and cannot carry hidden meaning. English is a beautiful language. #
- Just giving all y'all a heads up, I just farted and if you are following me you might want to back up a bit since this one is a whopper! #
- I assure you that that double entendre was totally unintentional. #
- Who says you need 4 wheels to Drift? Sexy sexy biking making me wish i could drive one of these bikes. [t.co] #
- I wonder if Lassie falls in well or Lassie falls in Well.
How are we supposed to tell which is compliance and which is a distress call? # - Who knew Elmo was into Pot? [twitpic.com] #
- The Wi-fi in my office works at 100% strength only in the WC.
It seems they didn't notice that Access Point that I sneaked into the plans. # - When you buy a safaricom SIM card that wallet it comes in is symbolic of what all your money shall be spent on hence. #
- Threw my 8 Megabit internet at my Huawei IDEOS and so far the only thing it has managed to do is become a very efficient space heater. #
- Poles are very tall people, sometimes as tall as 10 whole feet I'm told, and at times they are used as implements for touching people too! #
- I hope she says something tomorrow morning that would necessitate her touching wood to ward off bad luck. #
- Cats should understand that red dots could indicate that a sniper's rifle is aimed at you; run away from it not chase after it!
Silly cats. # - Glass half full or half empty, bullshit!
All I want to know is who has been drinking from my fucking glass! # - Yes, I left you a message on voicemail then texted and emailed you to ask you to call me back only that I forgot to leave you *the* message. #
- I suspect that I am not the only one with access to this Twitter account. #
- If I say I love the new show Traffic Light how bad shall be the damage to my public image?
Asking for a friend.
Maybe two.
Or three. # - I doubt that saying he rode an ass into Jerusalem means quite the same as he walked far too close to the guy in front of him in the queue. #
- I notice that I have a shitload of new follows in the past two weeks, too late people Mubarak already went home.
Trust me, I checked. # - Oh, and welcome, its a wonder I have any followers, I don't even follow myself.
Though if I could, I would be *beside myself.
*behind # - I am considering pulling this Tweet; it's not exactly my best work though it seems to be quire popular. [t.co] #
- I like this one: [t.co] ::dead:: #
- I also wish to thank you for all the stars, the retweets and the chats. I always have a ball tweeting with y'all. #
- My inner child had to repeat a class. #
- These are some very pretty Boobies.
My bird collection is coming along quite nicely. # - Trying not to draw conclusions as I top up my airtime. Does this mean I shall get some, not too presumptuous? [twitpic.com] #
- These baby bloomers are really comfortable, I just wish this baby they made them out of would stay quiet though. #
- Did I just say that out loud? #
- "You haven't seen the last of me!"
- Every Super Villain ever while being trodden under the shoe of the Superhero. # - Fuck, where did my Avi go? #
- Don't I look pretty today! #
- If I have any more eggs for supper Lady GaGa will have nothing on me and we shall surely have to determine who *came* first. #
- I heard something about a hand basket. #
- Now that I am done enhancing the fragrance of my couch let me see about doing the same to my bed. #
- If any mosquitoes are reading this, it's open season over here. Open season on mosquitoes. Approach me at peril of death. #
- My inner child is on a playmate. #
- Sir, I know you wish to measure the length of your organ, don't you think a yard stick is being a tad too pessimistic? #
- Wedding Show; a way of seeing the same thing done over in 30 million different ways. #
- Me? Nothing. Just lying here groping the Internet inappropriately. #
- Wow! @crystalsimeoni On 105.5 with Fareed Khimani discussing #kenya28feb Will you be singing the National Anthem at 1pm. Why not? in reply to crystalsimeoni #
- I fear that the New Edition Bible shall be authored in textspeak. LOL, smiley face. #
- Vitz owners today are advised to carry umbrellas and apply maximum SFI for today is one scorcher of a day. #avitzisnotacar #
- Oh here we go, new post; Zuku, #kenya28feb and Unemployment, mine particularly. [t.co] #
- I could as well as committed twittercide, but my Avi is just as yellow and black as the precious one though probably not in the same order. #
- Does a Vitz go faster when you fart while driving it? Give it the beans? Got gas? ::I could do this all day:: #avitzisnotacar #
- I tried to have my way with mother earth. She wasn't amused and kicked my teeth in, punched me in the nose and kneed me in the nads. #
- I'm wearing really tight trousers today, apparently it's the thing to do if you are famous. I *am* here at least. Infamy, same thing. #
- HO
MELet's see how deep in the gutter you lot live. #
- I wonder why all these scarfs are being lobbed at me, these trousers are awesome. Wait what? There is a big tear in my trousers? Goddamn it! #
- The wind is blowing so sternly that I shall tie my shirt onto my car aerial and sail this sucker home. #
- I'll take my Avi and stick it on a mug of coffee, use that as my Avi. Seems that @intelligentsia coffee fans aren't very good at spelling. #
- There are Supercars and then there is this: [t.co] the NASA Space Exploration Vehicle. Sad that it may never go do its thing. #
- Me? Nothing, just going to kill time by hitting that watch over there with this hammer. #
- I took two jabs at Vitzes today, where do I collect my award? #
- I miss the days when ATM was something to do with the weather and Tellers had nothing to do with Wikileaks. #
- When you name drop, does the five second rule apply? #
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Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-03-01
Posted: February 28, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- I remember, with much pain, that time I was naked and thought that i had my nunchaku with me. #
- Drat, my package is bent. #
- We are all retarded drivers. Shame on us, all of us. Think before you move. [t.co] #
- I might say the dog's mistress but this might be misconstrued to mean something altogether different. #
- A dog's master on the other hand is oddly very specific and cannot carry hidden meaning. English is a beautiful language. #
- Just giving all y'all a heads up, I just farted and if you are following me you might want to back up a bit since this one is a whopper! #
- I assure you that that double entendre was totally unintentional. #
- Who says you need 4 wheels to Drift? Sexy sexy biking making me wish i could drive one of these bikes. [t.co] #
- I wonder if Lassie falls in well or Lassie falls in Well.
How are we supposed to tell which is compliance and which is a distress call? # - Who knew Elmo was into Pot? [twitpic.com] #
- The Wi-fi in my office works at 100% strength only in the WC.
It seems they didn't notice that Access Point that I sneaked into the plans. # - When you buy a safaricom SIM card that wallet it comes in is symbolic of what all your money shall be spent on hence. #
- Threw my 8 Megabit internet at my Huawei IDEOS and so far the only thing it has managed to do is become a very efficient space heater. #
- Poles are very tall people, sometimes as tall as 10 whole feet I'm told, and at times they are used as implements for touching people too! #
- I hope she says something tomorrow morning that would necessitate her touching wood to ward off bad luck. #
- Cats should understand that red dots could indicate that a sniper's rifle is aimed at you; run away from it not chase after it!
Silly cats. # - Glass half full or half empty, bullshit!
All I want to know is who has been drinking from my fucking glass! # - Yes, I left you a message on voicemail then texted and emailed you to ask you to call me back only that I forgot to leave you *the* message. #
- I suspect that I am not the only one with access to this Twitter account. #
- If I say I love the new show Traffic Light how bad shall be the damage to my public image?
Asking for a friend.
Maybe two.
Or three. # - I doubt that saying he rode an ass into Jerusalem means quite the same as he walked far too close to the guy in front of him in the queue. #
- I notice that I have a shitload of new follows in the past two weeks, too late people Mubarak already went home.
Trust me, I checked. # - Oh, and welcome, its a wonder I have any followers, I don't even follow myself.
Though if I could, I would be *beside myself.
*behind # - I am considering pulling this Tweet; it's not exactly my best work though it seems to be quire popular. [t.co] #
- I like this one: [t.co] ::dead:: #
- I also wish to thank you for all the stars, the retweets and the chats. I always have a ball tweeting with y'all. #
- My inner child had to repeat a class. #
- These are some very pretty Boobies.
My bird collection is coming along quite nicely. # - Trying not to draw conclusions as I top up my airtime. Does this mean I shall get some, not too presumptuous? [twitpic.com] #
- These baby bloomers are really comfortable, I just wish this baby they made them out of would stay quiet though. #
- Did I just say that out loud? #
- "You haven't seen the last of me!"
- Every Super Villain ever while being trodden under the shoe of the Superhero. # - Fuck, where did my Avi go? #
- Don't I look pretty today! #
- If I have any more eggs for supper Lady GaGa will have nothing on me and we shall surely have to determine who *came* first. #
- I heard something about a hand basket. #
- Now that I am done enhancing the fragrance of my couch let me see about doing the same to my bed. #
- If any mosquitoes are reading this, it's open season over here. Open season on mosquitoes. Approach me at peril of death. #
- My inner child is on a playmate. #
- Sir, I know you wish to measure the length of your organ, don't you think a yard stick is being a tad too pessimistic? #
- Wedding Show; a way of seeing the same thing done over in 30 million different ways. #
- Me? Nothing. Just lying here groping the Internet inappropriately. #
- Wow! @crystalsimeoni On 105.5 with Fareed Khimani discussing #kenya28feb Will you be singing the National Anthem at 1pm. Why not? in reply to crystalsimeoni #
- I fear that the New Edition Bible shall be authored in textspeak. LOL, smiley face. #
- Vitz owners today are advised to carry umbrellas and apply maximum SFI for today is one scorcher of a day. #avitzisnotacar #
- Oh here we go, new post; Zuku, #kenya28feb and Unemployment, mine particularly. [t.co] #
- I could as well as committed twittercide, but my Avi is just as yellow and black as the precious one though probably not in the same order. #
- Does a Vitz go faster when you fart while driving it? Give it the beans? Got gas? ::I could do this all day:: #avitzisnotacar #
- I tried to have my way with mother earth. She wasn't amused and kicked my teeth in, punched me in the nose and kneed me in the nads. #
- I'm wearing really tight trousers today, apparently it's the thing to do if you are famous. I *am* here at least. Infamy, same thing. #
- HO
MELet's see how deep in the gutter you lot live. #
- I wonder why all these scarfs are being lobbed at me, these trousers are awesome. Wait what? There is a big tear in my trousers? Goddamn it! #
- The wind is blowing so sternly that I shall tie my shirt onto my car aerial and sail this sucker home. #
- I'll take my Avi and stick it on a mug of coffee, use that as my Avi. Seems that @intelligentsia coffee fans aren't very good at spelling. #
- There are Supercars and then there is this: [t.co] the NASA Space Exploration Vehicle. Sad that it may never go do its thing. #
- Me? Nothing, just going to kill time by hitting that watch over there with this hammer. #
- I took two jabs at Vitzes today, where do I collect my award? #
- I miss the days when ATM was something to do with the weather and Tellers had nothing to do with Wikileaks. #
- When you name drop, does the five second rule apply? #
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And they went ahead and shot themselves in the foot.
Posted: February 28, 2011, 10:19 am by NiKolaS
I shall shortly be unemployed, who needs a pool boy or house husband? I am partial to tropical climates and can’t handle much of the cold snowy icy kind.
I shall also be back shortly to write about the Zuku 8 Megabit internet connection I have been testing for a month so far. I have no kind words like the last time I wrote about them.
Meanwhile its #kenya28feb at 1300 hours. Sing your hearts out, please note, for all the awful singing going on I shall have my earphones plugged firmly in as I add to the ruckus.
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Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-02-22
Posted: February 21, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- You know when you feel like a Fractal? I hear that is quite normal. #
- I seem to have lost two of the people I follow last night, being blocked I understand, but Twittercide? Let me talk you down off the ledge. #
- Like you would believe me, I would apply grease to the ledge to help you along. #
- Boob fondle.
Oops, wrong window. #
- Lady Gaga is now following me on Twitter.
Wait, nope, it's not her, apparently, it's just a Twitter account without an AVI. # - Margaritas and tears are a match made in heaven. #
- Short of us clattering our genitals together I think much of what I recall about us might be pure conjecture.
I made it all up, probably. # - Favstar is quicker today.
How do I know this?
Well, it notices and warns me about starring Tweets too quickly sooner than before. # - I think of you many times. #
- HDTV is not necessarily a good thing for actors, for all the crows feet that i have seen among other moles, eeeeek! #
- And this lady busy spreading herself all over my HDTV screen should have shaved before she showed up for work. #
- Zuku been outdoing itself past two days 7 megs holding steady on average. #
- Sexting him or her pictures of your privates is the new diamonds are forever.
It better be else your very privates suddenly become public. # - Well, I should know. #
- Follow Fridays are now ranked?
I predict that the world shall end in 2012, unless someone already had dibs on that. # - I'd buy a few more clothes but my closet looks full enough from where I sit, hardly enough space to move without tumbling out head first. #
- The voices in my head. They whisper sweet nothings to me. Creepy as fuck. It would be fine if they were female voices though. #
- I'm not practicing safe wading, I forgot my gumboots at home. #
- My bikini is visible over my jeans. This shouldn't happen. #
- I love life so much right now I could quite possibly add it to this fruit salad. #
- And its laundry night hence the bikini mention earlier. But please keep that quiet. #
- Fling those trousers to the floor! But this time make sure to take them off first please dearest. #
- Being described as cling film in a relationship isn't a good thing? #
- I never know how to dress for events; people always complain about being underdressed but mostly because I forget to wear bits of clothing. #
- In this case trousers, apparently. #
- Looks like it's too much trouble to smile on the Internet. Is this the reason people have to lie down to create these smileys photograps? #
- Undoing my laundry. #
- You know when you see someone with a tweet identical to one you read from someone else without attribution?
Soon as I get a sec, unfollow. # - I prefer eating Chinese to Ethiopian.
The Chinese are decidedly more tender and easier to cook, less fighty too. # - "Know any good movies these Pfizer executives love to watch?"
"How about Die Hard 1 through to 4?" # - I hope you are all very happy, i shall be getting spam about performance enhancing pills because of that one Tweet for days now. #
- The best place for the Internet is in my mobile. It's much easier to carry about that way. #
- Mostly because, again, my iPad will not fit in my coat pocket. I tried, severally too, unsuccessfully. Now I have a torn coat pocket. #
- Not a turncoat mind you but how hilarious would that be? #
- I have been going to sleep ever since I could remember. #
- "Cleaning out the plumbing." #
- I would say shoot me right in the noggin but that would be pointless since that would be to no effect. #
- You won't believe this but I think I am this thing they describe as "the masses." #
- Looking at my Night Stand and can't imagine why anyone would want it for just one night. #
- People talk about the romance of old printing presses but all i think about is how much dry humping is needed to get them to work properly. #
- Seems this is where all the stolen tweets go to die. There are millions on here! [t.co] cc @ThiefPolice #
- Men are so obsessed with chasing tail, last I checked the lasses did not have any.
What's with that?
Wait, tail is an euphemism, right. # - I consider a victory against my iPhone's autocorrect a milestone since, take that Jobs! #
- Traffic is so bad these days that we had to retire drive by shooting as a way of retaliatory killings and moved back to walk by stranglings. #
- If I were shorter I would be average, just like you. #
- My autocorrect has become so accustomed to my bad keymanship that it has stopped bothering with what I type and just makes up whole tweets. #
- I put a hit out on you because I am a necrophiliac. #
- My heart just popped into my mouth when I saw an official email from Twitter.
Wondering if I should spit or swallow.
Ladies? # - I ate Oreos for the first time today.
There was Cookies and Cream ice cream too, I never knew they went together that well. # - That and I no longer have any teeth anymore. #
- Then there was that time I woke up in the morning while still wearing my hat. #
- Did they autotune Chris Brown in this episode of SNL with Russell Brand? And what kind of music is he playing now? Chris, not Russell. #
- I seem to lose one person I follow every day ::blocking or twittercide:: and I fear I shall be following no one by the end of this year. #
- Smart phones can multitask and also do crash a fair bit.
It would follow that Smart Cars do do the same, if that isn't dangerous, what is? # - A dog does more of this than a tree has.
"What is bark?" #fantasyjeopardy # - All you lot claiming to be huge fans of somebody or other, do you fan them so that they glow brighter or go out altogether? #
- What do you mean I am getting fat? #
- I have all the protein supplements you need right here.
::slap:: # - Today should have just asked for lube. Worst Monday I have had in a long long time. #
- I look bigger on Twitter. #
- I'm re-presenting an Oscar, it had been presented before but to the wrong nominee. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-02-22
Posted: February 21, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- You know when you feel like a Fractal? I hear that is quite normal. #
- I seem to have lost two of the people I follow last night, being blocked I understand, but Twittercide? Let me talk you down off the ledge. #
- Like you would believe me, I would apply grease to the ledge to help you along. #
- Boob fondle.
Oops, wrong window. #
- Lady Gaga is now following me on Twitter.
Wait, nope, it's not her, apparently, it's just a Twitter account without an AVI. # - Margaritas and tears are a match made in heaven. #
- Short of us clattering our genitals together I think much of what I recall about us might be pure conjecture.
I made it all up, probably. # - Favstar is quicker today.
How do I know this?
Well, it notices and warns me about starring Tweets too quickly sooner than before. # - I think of you many times. #
- HDTV is not necessarily a good thing for actors, for all the crows feet that i have seen among other moles, eeeeek! #
- And this lady busy spreading herself all over my HDTV screen should have shaved before she showed up for work. #
- Zuku been outdoing itself past two days 7 megs holding steady on average. #
- Sexting him or her pictures of your privates is the new diamonds are forever.
It better be else your very privates suddenly become public. # - Well, I should know. #
- Follow Fridays are now ranked?
I predict that the world shall end in 2012, unless someone already had dibs on that. # - I'd buy a few more clothes but my closet looks full enough from where I sit, hardly enough space to move without tumbling out head first. #
- The voices in my head. They whisper sweet nothings to me. Creepy as fuck. It would be fine if they were female voices though. #
- I'm not practicing safe wading, I forgot my gumboots at home. #
- My bikini is visible over my jeans. This shouldn't happen. #
- I love life so much right now I could quite possibly add it to this fruit salad. #
- And its laundry night hence the bikini mention earlier. But please keep that quiet. #
- Fling those trousers to the floor! But this time make sure to take them off first please dearest. #
- Being described as cling film in a relationship isn't a good thing? #
- I never know how to dress for events; people always complain about being underdressed but mostly because I forget to wear bits of clothing. #
- In this case trousers, apparently. #
- Looks like it's too much trouble to smile on the Internet. Is this the reason people have to lie down to create these smileys photograps? #
- Undoing my laundry. #
- You know when you see someone with a tweet identical to one you read from someone else without attribution?
Soon as I get a sec, unfollow. # - I prefer eating Chinese to Ethiopian.
The Chinese are decidedly more tender and easier to cook, less fighty too. # - "Know any good movies these Pfizer executives love to watch?"
"How about Die Hard 1 through to 4?" # - I hope you are all very happy, i shall be getting spam about performance enhancing pills because of that one Tweet for days now. #
- The best place for the Internet is in my mobile. It's much easier to carry about that way. #
- Mostly because, again, my iPad will not fit in my coat pocket. I tried, severally too, unsuccessfully. Now I have a torn coat pocket. #
- Not a turncoat mind you but how hilarious would that be? #
- I have been going to sleep ever since I could remember. #
- "Cleaning out the plumbing." #
- I would say shoot me right in the noggin but that would be pointless since that would be to no effect. #
- You won't believe this but I think I am this thing they describe as "the masses." #
- Looking at my Night Stand and can't imagine why anyone would want it for just one night. #
- People talk about the romance of old printing presses but all i think about is how much dry humping is needed to get them to work properly. #
- Seems this is where all the stolen tweets go to die. There are millions on here! [t.co] cc @ThiefPolice #
- Men are so obsessed with chasing tail, last I checked the lasses did not have any.
What's with that?
Wait, tail is an euphemism, right. # - I consider a victory against my iPhone's autocorrect a milestone since, take that Jobs! #
- Traffic is so bad these days that we had to retire drive by shooting as a way of retaliatory killings and moved back to walk by stranglings. #
- If I were shorter I would be average, just like you. #
- My autocorrect has become so accustomed to my bad keymanship that it has stopped bothering with what I type and just makes up whole tweets. #
- I put a hit out on you because I am a necrophiliac. #
- My heart just popped into my mouth when I saw an official email from Twitter.
Wondering if I should spit or swallow.
Ladies? # - I ate Oreos for the first time today.
There was Cookies and Cream ice cream too, I never knew they went together that well. # - That and I no longer have any teeth anymore. #
- Then there was that time I woke up in the morning while still wearing my hat. #
- Did they autotune Chris Brown in this episode of SNL with Russell Brand? And what kind of music is he playing now? Chris, not Russell. #
- I seem to lose one person I follow every day ::blocking or twittercide:: and I fear I shall be following no one by the end of this year. #
- Smart phones can multitask and also do crash a fair bit.
It would follow that Smart Cars do do the same, if that isn't dangerous, what is? # - A dog does more of this than a tree has.
"What is bark?" #fantasyjeopardy # - All you lot claiming to be huge fans of somebody or other, do you fan them so that they glow brighter or go out altogether? #
- What do you mean I am getting fat? #
- I have all the protein supplements you need right here.
::slap:: # - Today should have just asked for lube. Worst Monday I have had in a long long time. #
- I look bigger on Twitter. #
- I'm re-presenting an Oscar, it had been presented before but to the wrong nominee. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-02-15
Posted: February 14, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- Homonyms are an awful lot of fun. #
- I have special feelings for myself.
Pardon me for a moment as I go address them. # - Those people who apply for Asylum overseas should probably be told that they might perchance be sent to a Mental Asylum.
It happened to me. # - Why does everyone look at you funny when you put rubber gloves on before you get in to drive your car? #
- You may have noticed I have new writers. Maybe not. This lot is worse than the last batch. Lazier too. (he made us put this up) #
- Boy! Pull your trousers up! #
- Are they Crow's Feet by virtue of them looking like feet or that you look like one? #
- Either way, CAW! CAW! #
- You know what sounds awesome?
Rap backed up by a live band.
*looks for the sarcasm button* # - "Mubarak in a Ponzi Scheme." #
- It is so hot here that I climb into my oven to stay cool. #
- I am beginning to suspect beauty sleep has nothing to do with sleeping with a beautiful woman. I've hardly slept for weeks now. #
- Again beautiful day is synonymous with it being blistering hot. #
- Twittercide n. natural selection. #
- Pimped out rides are the Superheroes of the car world. #
- So that was the problem, I just needed to turn off my brain for a while. #
- "What now?" Yes, it is one of *those* days. #
- Traffic Light.
Nice. #
- Hey @roomthinker I suspect traffic police would be idle were there no roundabouts. We must replace them with traffic cameras post haste. in reply to roomthinker #
- I should have been smarter than to choose a rabbit as a spirit animal. Who is up to adopt 100 of these cute bunnies? #
- I object to being regarded a sex object. #
- Ned Nickerson. #
- Tried drinking water & somehow most of it ended up running down the front of my shirt. If it was True Blood I would look so cool right now. #
- Old people are the pillars that hold up the community. See how well they plant? #
- Now this looks familiar! Count the idiots in this picture of an intersection fail. (via Fail Blog) [plixi.com] #
- Heroism is a lot more fun when you are hopped up on heroin. #
- It is a great mark of integrity to hold people to a high standard; better yet when you hold yourself to a standard much higher than that. #
- No, this isn't blood. It's just that I sweat like a hippopotamus. #
- "Go jump off a bridge, see if I care." – bungee instructional. #
- "It was a whirlwind romance." – some guy talking about the weather. #
- Anyone know what time I went to bed? I'm surprised to be up AND fully dressed. #
- Now that I am in her underwear I fail to see what all the fuss is about, plus my balls are mighty squished and I have a wedgie. #
- Flash mob n. A group of angry photographers. #
- Asking a girl if you can play with her jiggly bits is hard enough, worse when you have to avoid being murdered once you do. #
- They are never going to steal my telephone again! [plixi.com] #
- "Don't panic this is just a drill, the chainsaws are in aisle six." – Power tool salesman. #
- I apologise for that tweet. Well, all eleven thousand of them but you can't blame me for about five hundred of those, I was possibly drunk. #
- Then there is hardware. Hard ware. See what I did there? #
- This is a sightly used Twitter account. #
- "Not a fan." Me addressing a pile of fish. #
- If it wasn't for this tree branch I would have already been blown away. No, nothing to do with wolf or such. It's just very windy. #
- If there was a racing home superstar that would be me. #
- Starring my own tweet. #
- Just been to the water closet and it seems sometime last night I turned into a goat. #
- Intelligensia is now ignoring your tweets on Twitter.
You aren't currently ignoring Intelligensia.
What's next? # - I have a headache.
What?
I'm supposed to say that tonight, not now? # - How did i get FIFTEEN mentions this morning? This and I am yet to have my coffee? *blink blink* #
- Twitter, I am busy sexting, will get to you shortly. #
- About these "Real Estate" agents, are there a band of just normal "Estate" agents out there? These ones are just too pricey. #
- Groping this mouse feels so good. I shouldn't have sprang for the Magic Mouse, clearly. #
- Oh dear God, no. Typo or type O? Ignore previous tweet. #
- Bear with me.
Really, there is a Bear with me, send help! # - This lovely rain brings cooler temperatures and shall surely drown out the moans of pleasure tonight as couples celebrate Valentines' night. #
- Putting in a late order for courtesan on Koinange Street, I hope they aren't all taken already seeing as its Valentines and all. #
- No time for fake ones,
I sip crystal while fondling real ones…New earworm; you're welcome. #
- #NowPlaying No Time -Lil Kim #mzeeniwewe #
- "I have a headache." #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-02-07
Posted: February 7, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- *Actual* UBUNTU download on Zuku 8 Megabit fibre. *cough cough*
cc @bytebandit @kaboro @69mb @roomthinker [t.co] #
- Video: I absolutely love this man Russel Brand, disregard my previous post on Linkin Park, what was I… [tumblr.com] #
- "I am working very hard this afternoon!"
My router, if it could say something.Youtube is the spawned of the devil. #
- Still pretending to be awfully busy, I'm done catching up with my Tumblr, Twitter, E-mail and I have watched all of YouTube. Pointers? #
- Instead of reading I'm being distracted by TED talks. Who's seen my pills or at least my glasses so I can focus on, wait, what was I doing? #
- "I know Kung-Fu!"
"I know Chang but you don't see me yelling that out while waving my arms about, do you?" # - I didn't imagine that it was this dusty under my bed. Don't ask how I got here either, I don't know. #
- I am in the Printing Industry and yet I purchase my books on Kindle.
Is there a better example of someone shooting themselves in the foot? # - Every hear the one Vitz pimped out with a flame job?
Well, someone picked it up to light his cigarette then stomped it out on the pavement. # - I'm sorry I haven't been funny recently, or ever, actually. #
- Final word Zuku; It is a shared bandwidth deal, since I am in a congested area 1 Megabit is the best I can get even if I'm subscribed to 8M. #
- I never properly thanked @chiira for this post reblogged and attributed. You are awesome for mentioning me, thank you! [t.co] #
- When my bum falls asleep I know it's time to stop reading Tweets and get off the lavatory. #
- There is nothing as horrifying as logging onto Twitter and instantly being tackled to the cobbled pavement by a hash tag meme. #
- My response mostly is of unfollowing, today I shall try just logging out instead. #
- Oh, now I remember why I logged on, twas to say:
"Meh, needs more kisses." # - I really need to upgrade my dream service provider from technicolor, i hear you can get them in 3D these days. I shall talk to Paramount. #
- I said ParaMount, see what I did there?
I should stop laughing at my own jokes, shouldn't I? # - The 'Outdoor' profile on this mobile phone should be sufficient to protect me from the sun's rays much like the lotion, right? #
- It is supremely difficult to walk about with one foot in the grave. #
- I would go back in time just so i can have a posse, or have one chase me through the prairies or whatever they call plains over in America. #
- Funny how stroking your Pistol Grip Shotgun while objecting to being cut off while leaning on the offenders car makes them very agreeable. #
- Just been reminded of how much I love Katie Melua. #
- This bandwagon is mostly bereft of bands.
Rubber bands that is. # - Don't worry young lady, my standards are pretty low, you can still be my sex symbol, never ever speak of your lack of intelligence again. #
- #NowPlaying Alejandro – Lady Gaga. Not sure which is the singer and which is the song but it has a catchy tune. Rocking my mid 30s. #
- Seems it's cat mating season again and the pussies are out in force moaning and bitching. Sounds like a supremely energetic orgy out there. #
- My Twitter account has a Greeter on the login page. He is also the one who sends you lame DMs when you start following me. #
- I wanted to do 'the stranger' then I remembered that my mom said I shouldn't talk to strangers much less let them near my dingleberries. #
- With weather like this you wouldn't blame me for wanting to stand under the shade of this sprinkler.
Oh look, instant wet T-Shirt contest! # - I would chase my dreams but my car broke down. #
- G4S have taken to parking their Ambulance, Rapid Response Unit & their Fire Engine right at my factory gate. What do they know that I don't? #
- DIY Lowrider: Let your suspension sag in disrepair and then drive on a really bumpy road.
Thank you, thank you, you are so very kind. # - Nuts or genius, or just being in possession of large brass nuts; doing Donuts indoors. [bit.ly] #
- The only problem I have with the potholes on the road outside my house is smudged mascara. #
- Just follow whoever I retweeted since that is as good a follow recommendation as you are gonna get. Kizuri chajiuza. #
- I am beginning to suspect that I am wearing this thong all wrong. One of my balls has turned blue while the other one has fallen asleep. #
- You may check this @Magaribina and @jusblackman out too. You may follow them if for anything that they are horrible at this. Hehe. in reply to magaribina #
- Are you sure that is an Apple that you bought? I'm pretty sure it's acting like a Lemon. #
- I am recently blind to tweets with the hash tag #ff Overused much? #
- I have finally found use for all those discarded weaves. If we stockpile enough of them we shall get Obama's attention. WMDs anyone? #MAWE #
- I have a knack for going in the exit only door. I get yelled at, a lot. #
- This shit is bananas! – Monkey poo. #
- I was less averse to death or being murdered yesterday. The will to live is much stronger at least. #
- Whenever those guys in movies say, "let me introduce you to my little friend…" I never think: Firearm.
Think more phallic. # - For what little is claimed they have to work with it seems these Chinese chaps have done well for themselves. How many billion so FAR? #
- I have far too many characters for Twitter. #
- I am connected. Uploading downloading tweeting emailing and all that but all I want to do is sleep. Where do I find that? #
- I sure do post a lot of rubbish tweets on here. #
- I stared down dawn's crack this morning. It isn't what its cracked up to be. #
- "I'm sorry, I'm not following any new people at this time." – me overtaking a truck on the highway. #
- Tried this earlier & my car still got stolen. Either i need to chain all four wheels to each other or move. [plixi.com] #
- Trying to hand write my Tweets with pen and paper before committing them to Birdhouse. As you can possibly tell, they haven't improved. #
- "This remote controller is the biggest game changer yet."
- Gaming on my PS3. # - Valentines day? Duck! It was Christmas just yesterday! #
- She asked me to put a ring on it so I telephoned her. #
- I am so lazy now that I google shit just by talking at my mobile telephone. Is that what this Ask Jeeves business is about? #
- Could someone fix it such that I tweet by speech recognition too? Ktksbai! #
- When left, I right my wrongs. #
- *Actual* UBUNTU download on Zuku 8 Megabit fibre. *cough cough*
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-02-01
Posted: January 31, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- #YU last night shall not go unpunished. Please get your fucking act together! #
- The thing about landline telephones is that you cannot lose them down the couch cushions because they are nailed to the wall. #
- #NowPlaying I'm Yours – Jason Mraz. #
- "Books? No, I prefer the ones with many pictures and really large lettering. Words should not exceed three syllables."
Me at the bookstore. # - When I asked you to throw me a bone I didn't picture any part of it involving you unzipping your trousers sir. #
- Rise and shine; not what it used to mean with Twitter and this Baby Oil by my bedside.
Wait, does this make me a pedophile now?
Ignore me. # - Making out with Nicki Minaj, rather her music, and let's say so far i haven't had the urge to stab self or anyone for that matter. #
- Orange EDGE is twice as fast as Safaricom on 3G. There is some cruel irony in there somewhere. #KE #
- Kandahar never fails to bring a smile to my face, RedPepper sure did an excellent job of substituting it for vagina. #
- I could use a little more sleep but I hate traffic more.
Minion, where is my coffee? Hop to it sharpish. # - What do the Union workers want this time? #sotu #
- Right, its *flipping* the bird not *kicking* the bird.
Who wants chicken for lunch? # - The Bugatti Veyron Kenyan edition. Or at least the decal. I wonder if this bus is just as fast. [twitpic.com] #
- Loving the new show Episodes. #
- If this headache gets any worse I'm going to need a second head shortly. #
- I mugged some coffee this morning. #
- Throw a dog a bone?
Why would you want to encourage him? I thought he was already in enough trouble with women as it were. # - Thanks to the blanket smoking ban in Nairobi I need to find a new way of disposing of my old blankets. #
- I would love to report the overlappers at the Chiromo Road and Riverside Drive junction but I fear #overlapke would burst at the seams. #
- Poetry in motion and a bunch of other clichés may be applied here. [bit.ly] (Video) #
- I really have to stop giggling whenever I hear someone say Cock Fight. #
- I should take up Cattle ranching; what with all this experience i am garnering herding the Zuku Cable and installation guys. #
- Oh, nice, very nice.
So this is what the internet looks like when it isn't buffering? # - "Here let me help you with that." Me, taking candy from a baby. #
- I HAVE WHITE FUCKING EARPHONES, I AM NOT EVEN LOOKING AT YOU SO DO NOT FUCKING SPEAK TO ME, I AM ON THE BLOODY PHONE! #
- My past precedes me. I wonder how this happened. I should check on where I stashed my time machine. #
- Too legit to be from China. #
- Today's agenda.
lounge.
A little work.
lounge.
needless to say, I am still pantsless and supine on my couch. # - Archery does not involve as much bowing as I expected. I so wanted to check out the bum on this hot chick but all I got was string burn. #
- This traffic might just dissuade me from showing up at work around this time. Perhaps I should make an illegal U turn and head back home. #
- So far i am underwhelmed by Zuku; 1 Megabit when I'm subscribed to 8 Megabits. #
- Zuku just called and promised to monitor the situation with a view to rectifying. Rapid customer care response; I like. #
- And no, i shall not live tweet this issue. Last you hear of it till it is resolved. #
- I read my Twitter feed adorned in full Hazmat gear. You could catch something nasty on here. #
- My thermal coffee mug is great for keeping my hot coffee gone cold coffee very cold. Mmmm! #
- I had to find somewhere to park my camel you understand, this was a place as good as any. [plixi.com] #
- It is truly the information age.
Remember when you couldn't Email your ISP about your internet being down because they were your only link? # - Your zip is untied. #
- So these comment spaces on FaceThing aren't for expressing candid and vitriolic opinion on the subject be it a photograph or status update? #
- If dexterity with plugging in my earphones is anything to go by, there will shortly be a woman who'll be screaming out, "not in there!" #
- Making a call in Kenya is like playing Russian Roulette, with blanks.
You try lots to get through once & still don't manage to get through. # - I've had a good whiff of this nature you speak of and I don't think I like it very much.
Hang on, I farted, my bad. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-01-25
Posted: January 24, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- I sent my friend such a long message today that instead of reporting, "delivery succeeded" it proclaimed, "book published"! #
- They are yet to reply to said text, I would imagine that they are still reading it or the phone company is wondering if to deliver it. #
- You are just me with smaller hands, more endowed in the boob area, a larger, prettier arse and larger more capable brains, yes. #
- 3D movies; like I cannot get enough of stuff getting shoved at me, but Jack Sparrow can shove his sword at me whenever he pleases. #
- Dry humping Wednesday and all I have to show for it is this bruise. W has very sharp edges. #
- I am just sitting here in the corner rocking softly and cradling my right wrist. It fucking hurts, it does! #
- Thank y'all awesomely for the stars and retweets.
I am humbled that you read me and applaud me like you do.
*all tweets can't be funny!* # - Oh, it's a Space Bar now?
When did it get all high and mighty canoodling with astronauts and shit? # - I should have learned by now inviting people to take a seat could get costly. #
- I am left handed today, didn't know how difficult this was; for instance all door handles are on the wrong side of the door! #
- Its a HOtel.
Ah, no wonder there were *so* many scantily dressed women lolling about in the corridors. # - I am not bursting with life but you get three guesses as to what I am full of. #
- Drat!
These be Scotty's pants, something must have gone wrong with the transporter or I am in his quarters again. # - This immobilised right hand isn't good for anything, handicapped parking spots included.
Worse, for the most important thing; eating. # - Dry humping strangers is not quite as acceptable in real life as it is on Twitter.
Just FYI; speaking for my smarting face. # - No wonder they stopped calling Texts SMSes the moment someone invented concatenated messaging.
I write fucking novels sexting every day. # - .
Fgbhgcdfhcjhjuytvf # - If I was a woman I would find it strange to sleep with women since in my head I would still be a man. #
- Sigh. #
- "What do you mean Server? We aren't even in a fucking restaurant!" #
- Get the fuck out of my way slowpoke! I know where I am going and I can see way better than you, its only a lick of rain for God's sake! #
- I haven't used Google in days.
Is there someone I should see for this? # - A Light Beer? I didn't know light drank, worse, it isn't tangible.
What?
Oh right, not heavy? No?
Like a diet beer?
Oh, never mind then. # - I only come round but once; if you fuck that one up you are well on your own. #
- Of all the dumb things i do i go and join GoodReads. #
- For those looking for a fresh dose of funny see @Just_PYKA for a shot or two.
Apparently she is new and says hi, or is high, a lot. # - Must develop more patience for incoherent Network. #ToDoLists #YU #
- When did I wander on to the side of the road? #
- I don't think Klingon Lesbian sex would be quite as hot as the Human version though. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-01-25
Posted: January 24, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- I sent my friend such a long message today that instead of reporting, "delivery succeeded" it proclaimed, "book published"! #
- They are yet to reply to said text, I would imagine that they are still reading it or the phone company is wondering if to deliver it. #
- You are just me with smaller hands, more endowed in the boob area, a larger, prettier arse and larger more capable brains, yes. #
- 3D movies; like I cannot get enough of stuff getting shoved at me, but Jack Sparrow can shove his sword at me whenever he pleases. #
- Dry humping Wednesday and all I have to show for it is this bruise. W has very sharp edges. #
- I am just sitting here in the corner rocking softly and cradling my right wrist. It fucking hurts, it does! #
- Thank y'all awesomely for the stars and retweets.
I am humbled that you read me and applaud me like you do.
*all tweets can't be funny!* # - Oh, it's a Space Bar now?
When did it get all high and mighty canoodling with astronauts and shit? # - I should have learned by now inviting people to take a seat could get costly. #
- I am left handed today, didn't know how difficult this was; for instance all door handles are on the wrong side of the door! #
- Its a HOtel.
Ah, no wonder there were *so* many scantily dressed women lolling about in the corridors. # - I am not bursting with life but you get three guesses as to what I am full of. #
- Drat!
These be Scotty's pants, something must have gone wrong with the transporter or I am in his quarters again. # - This immobilised right hand isn't good for anything, handicapped parking spots included.
Worse, for the most important thing; eating. # - Dry humping strangers is not quite as acceptable in real life as it is on Twitter.
Just FYI; speaking for my smarting face. # - No wonder they stopped calling Texts SMSes the moment someone invented concatenated messaging.
I write fucking novels sexting every day. # - .
Fgbhgcdfhcjhjuytvf # - If I was a woman I would find it strange to sleep with women since in my head I would still be a man. #
- Sigh. #
- "What do you mean Server? We aren't even in a fucking restaurant!" #
- Get the fuck out of my way slowpoke! I know where I am going and I can see way better than you, its only a lick of rain for God's sake! #
- I haven't used Google in days.
Is there someone I should see for this? # - A Light Beer? I didn't know light drank, worse, it isn't tangible.
What?
Oh right, not heavy? No?
Like a diet beer?
Oh, never mind then. # - I only come round but once; if you fuck that one up you are well on your own. #
- Of all the dumb things i do i go and join GoodReads. #
- For those looking for a fresh dose of funny see @Just_PYKA for a shot or two.
Apparently she is new and says hi, or is high, a lot. # - Must develop more patience for incoherent Network. #ToDoLists #YU #
- When did I wander on to the side of the road? #
- I don't think Klingon Lesbian sex would be quite as hot as the Human version though. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-01-18
Posted: January 17, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- I am really enjoying this date but when do we get to the inappropriate groping part of the evening? #
- I understand that beer gives good head but i could have misheard. #
- Smoking crack apparently has nothing to do with cunnilingus. #
- Oh the Periodic Table, I was thinking of the periodic period just then. #
- Due to a typo in the contractual papers I sold the Devil my sole instead. I do hope heaven is lots of fun! #
- New day?
As opposed to? # - By a show of hands, who doesn't have the Huawei IDEOS telephone?
Those who have it may now proceed to form a IDEOS Ke club. # - Would someone hand a Bong to that Big Ben Clock Twitter account already? It's giving me a headache. #
- Now if only it would rain… #
- Whenever anyone mentions the word "Pap" I have visions of Pap Smears. Just thought to let you know. #
- Parked in the lush bush that is Lower Hill Road Nairobi are us in a fancy kind of traffic picnic. [twitpic.com] #
- I would say holler at me but I hate it when people yell at me. I am partial to hushed tones in conversation. #
- You throw a bitch fit and i shall throw a fit bitch. #
- Making out with Tumblr for a bit. Pardon the moistness. #
- #NowPlaying Sophie B Hawkins – As I Lay Me Down ..I will wake up happy… #
- I think two days of intensive communion with this machine has us possibly at a point of agreement. It works for me, not the other way about. #
- Why doesn't someone take me for a walk? I take walks too! #
- This does not feel like a happy new year at all. Feels quite a lot like it's abused second cousin from over the ridge. #
- The roads were dualled not to increase the throughput but car holding capacity during peak hours since they didn't remove the roundabouts. #
- I am currently catching up with Desperate Housewives. If this ever comes up in conversation I shall have you killed. #
- This meat might be a tad too lean, well, maybe a little more, seems that it has keeled over and fallen into the ditch. #
- You knock me over but I shall get up!
The floor *is* quite comfortable, can I just lie here for a bit? # - Ever been in traffic so long you got cabin fever? #
- I am the Fozi Bear of Twitter. #
- Then my work here is done PAP (smear)! cc @lynnsheri @marcusolang in reply to lynnsheri #
- Apparently this is just the tool that I needed to store really witty tweets that I think of and also a place to draft without distractions. #
- I supposed @KoinangeJeff would make excessive use of the exclamation point & full stops on Twitter and guess what? He didn't disappoint. #
- I would have gone, "what a Tweeter, what a man…" but you know, dignity. #
- There was this guy driving behind me in traffic so close that he was changing stations and adjusting the volume on my car stereo. #
- In the pursuit of stars, indignity is the least of our concerns, at least this i notice when i take a peek at my timeline. #
- I am usually less funnier than I imagine myself to be. #
- The sun is on a collision course with Earth. I shall stand under this tree to shield myself from the effects. I'm safe here, barring rain. #
- I'm told that the earth is all wobbly and hence i'm no longer a Gemini but now a Ford Taurus, worse, my shrink hopped off a ledge last week! #
- Now this is what i call cool. The Saudis have it down pat. [bit.ly] (Video) #
- Whenever you wish to share with us what might ail you body or soul, mostly bodily, kindly don't. #
- My phone is in my pocket. DM me. #
- Hot 96. #mzeeniwewe *glares at Twitter* #
- I suspect my neighbours are at my door knocking to ask that I turn my music down but i can't *hear* them. #
- "Ndio maana nakufuata fuata… ni Twitter tu." #
- Idea for a public restroom; one way glass, one way from the street.
You should still be able to pick boogers whilst seated on the throne. # - I just swallowed my phone while yawning. I best hasten to sleep before my neighbour's horse suffers the same fate. #
- I was about to say that I had a great night only to realise that I was asleep through it all. #
- Golden globes.
So we are back to talking about boobs again, right? # - My nokia is so advanced the arms on the startup screen just wave at each other instead. #
- I'm sorry, i haven't been Tweeting quite enough? Right, I shall attempt to be mildly funny more often. #
- This CANNOT be my best Tweet of all time [favstar.fm]
Please take me out back and shoot me now. # - Enjoying a spot of sunset traffic on Mombasa Road. [twitpic.com] #
- Hell is like the slums of heaven. #
- Well, she told me to take a seat, any seat, now I have a lovely leather couch for sale. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-01-11
Posted: January 10, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- My body's calling me, I'd better answer the telephone and find out why. #
- Coffee and traffic. Likely bedfellows. Again that might be a homoerotic homonym. But what would I know? [twitpic.com] #
- I would photograph what i was doing right now and show you what i was upto but that would be tantamount to letting all of you into my bed. #
- "He was left holding the smoking gun."
A strangely descriptive way to announce that you came. Literally. # - To prevent incidents similar to the kamikaze bombing runs in Arkansas all birds are now to file a flight plan with the FAA before take off. #
- I had forgotten the therapeutic value of words and the English language. Swimming in this book reveling in the beauty and wonder of it all. #
- Looking at this Huawei E220 modem, I am sure it has found itself in very hot situations.
Like in the company of hard boiled eggs perhaps? # - Listening to Asa's Subway and I see art.
Translated by my ears.
Pictured by my brain.
"Ooh, I looove you, baby I want yooou!" # - "Oh darling! I wouldn't even dream of touching them without your permission!" #
- Those birds in Arkansas were just playing Angry Birds. #
- Oh no! Arkansas is where they have the Wacky Races, right?
This must be the doing of Dick (oh lord no!) Dastardly and his sniggering hound! # - Ok, ok, i know, those jokes were excruciatingly terrible. I shall shush now. #
- If things keep going the way they are we shall be left on Twitter joking about it while The Rapture takes place.
Where do I pick my ticket? # - A rule of thumb is silly. You can’t rule with it since you would need a large ornate stick to conk recalcitrant subjects over the head with. #
- Starring other peoples Favourites is the new *cheating at Twitter.* #
- Our sister company starts work today. Then they work between the hours of 7 and 4 with an hour's lunch break. Why aren't I working there? #
- I thought I would use this rare Twitter client to enhance my level of douche.
Am I doing this right? # - This is all very touching ma'am but you may now take your hand off my junk. #
- I bet that ship Captain who yelled out "ALL HANDS ON DECK!" didn't quite expect the barrage of prosthetic arms that were lobbed at him. #
- You know what? I could do with some rain. #
- I am still wondering why they have women in the Husbandry Department of the local Game Park. #
- Erections are hard to come by you can't afford to waste one. #
- I really miss the days you could set your computer clock to 1978 and it would not insinuate that you were wrong and reset itself to 2011. #
- Anyone here know how burnt brain smells? I suspect mine is fried. #
- Mac OS Mountain Lion 10.8 to be announced in summer of 2012. #
- I woke up today. That is just about the sum of it yes. #
- We are all hoarders on Twitter.
We curate garbage by favouriting them constructing a cache for posterity. # - The main item on my Job Description is, "Managing CEO's Expectations." #
- This app is so pretty i am at a loss of what to say. Hang on one moment while i make out with Helvetica. #
- My communication skills just took a tumble, not Tumblr, a tumble like fell out a window, today. #
- I don't believe Jesus was talking about your bum being struck when he was talking about "turn the other cheek" and such like. #
- I know! I would not follow me either but you see Twitter insists that since the account is mine I must. I applaud those who have unfollowed. #
- The matching orders debacle was what got me thrown out of the Special Forces. English is quite difficult. #
- Those idiots who take the lift to go up one floor probably have never heard of survival for the fittest. #
- Oh, washing machines actually wash clothes!
Works better if you do not use the dishwasher to wash your garments though. I'm missing a sock. # - My pen.is is a monopoly. #
- If coitus sounds too formal, try "clattering genitals together." #
- If only my DM fails were that spectacular. #
- I am missing iPaddy! *sniff* (he soon come back from visiting though) *sniff!* #
- there is no quicker way to be reminded that your tear ducts still work as to be scalded on the lips sipping on coffee. unrelated: OW! #
- Beef tenderisering. Pound it till it goes soft. #
- There you are, happily starring tweets then you encounter a smiley; oh the horror! #
- You know what? I woke up and was … awake! #
- Darndest thing ever! #
- I am about to make out with this mocha. Kindly do not interrupt by tweeting up a storm while I am gone. #
- Those covered up lasses in full face covering garb are just Ninjas in disguise. #
- Drive a H1 if you dare.
A H3 is like the skim milk version of a latté. # - I give my laundry room floor one more wash cycle before it crumbles into my neighbour's flat below. #
- The only reason I don't own a leather couch is the way it sticks to my bare bum. (carry on, nothing to see here) #
- I would say something now but I am supposed to be asleep. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-01-11
Posted: January 10, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- My body's calling me, I'd better answer the telephone and find out why. #
- Coffee and traffic. Likely bedfellows. Again that might be a homoerotic homonym. But what would I know? [twitpic.com] #
- I would photograph what i was doing right now and show you what i was upto but that would be tantamount to letting all of you into my bed. #
- "He was left holding the smoking gun."
A strangely descriptive way to announce that you came. Literally. # - To prevent incidents similar to the kamikaze bombing runs in Arkansas all birds are now to file a flight plan with the FAA before take off. #
- I had forgotten the therapeutic value of words and the English language. Swimming in this book reveling in the beauty and wonder of it all. #
- Looking at this Huawei E220 modem, I am sure it has found itself in very hot situations.
Like in the company of hard boiled eggs perhaps? # - Listening to Asa's Subway and I see art.
Translated by my ears.
Pictured by my brain.
"Ooh, I looove you, baby I want yooou!" # - "Oh darling! I wouldn't even dream of touching them without your permission!" #
- Those birds in Arkansas were just playing Angry Birds. #
- Oh no! Arkansas is where they have the Wacky Races, right?
This must be the doing of Dick (oh lord no!) Dastardly and his sniggering hound! # - Ok, ok, i know, those jokes were excruciatingly terrible. I shall shush now. #
- If things keep going the way they are we shall be left on Twitter joking about it while The Rapture takes place.
Where do I pick my ticket? # - A rule of thumb is silly. You can’t rule with it since you would need a large ornate stick to conk recalcitrant subjects over the head with. #
- Starring other peoples Favourites is the new *cheating at Twitter.* #
- Our sister company starts work today. Then they work between the hours of 7 and 4 with an hour's lunch break. Why aren't I working there? #
- I thought I would use this rare Twitter client to enhance my level of douche.
Am I doing this right? # - This is all very touching ma'am but you may now take your hand off my junk. #
- I bet that ship Captain who yelled out "ALL HANDS ON DECK!" didn't quite expect the barrage of prosthetic arms that were lobbed at him. #
- You know what? I could do with some rain. #
- I am still wondering why they have women in the Husbandry Department of the local Game Park. #
- Erections are hard to come by you can't afford to waste one. #
- I really miss the days you could set your computer clock to 1978 and it would not insinuate that you were wrong and reset itself to 2011. #
- Anyone here know how burnt brain smells? I suspect mine is fried. #
- Mac OS Mountain Lion 10.8 to be announced in summer of 2012. #
- I woke up today. That is just about the sum of it yes. #
- We are all hoarders on Twitter.
We curate garbage by favouriting them constructing a cache for posterity. # - The main item on my Job Description is, "Managing CEO's Expectations." #
- This app is so pretty i am at a loss of what to say. Hang on one moment while i make out with Helvetica. #
- My communication skills just took a tumble, not Tumblr, a tumble like fell out a window, today. #
- I don't believe Jesus was talking about your bum being struck when he was talking about "turn the other cheek" and such like. #
- I know! I would not follow me either but you see Twitter insists that since the account is mine I must. I applaud those who have unfollowed. #
- The matching orders debacle was what got me thrown out of the Special Forces. English is quite difficult. #
- Those idiots who take the lift to go up one floor probably have never heard of survival for the fittest. #
- Oh, washing machines actually wash clothes!
Works better if you do not use the dishwasher to wash your garments though. I'm missing a sock. # - My pen.is is a monopoly. #
- If coitus sounds too formal, try "clattering genitals together." #
- If only my DM fails were that spectacular. #
- I am missing iPaddy! *sniff* (he soon come back from visiting though) *sniff!* #
- there is no quicker way to be reminded that your tear ducts still work as to be scalded on the lips sipping on coffee. unrelated: OW! #
- Beef tenderisering. Pound it till it goes soft. #
- There you are, happily starring tweets then you encounter a smiley; oh the horror! #
- You know what? I woke up and was … awake! #
- Darndest thing ever! #
- I am about to make out with this mocha. Kindly do not interrupt by tweeting up a storm while I am gone. #
- Those covered up lasses in full face covering garb are just Ninjas in disguise. #
- Drive a H1 if you dare.
A H3 is like the skim milk version of a latté. # - I give my laundry room floor one more wash cycle before it crumbles into my neighbour's flat below. #
- The only reason I don't own a leather couch is the way it sticks to my bare bum. (carry on, nothing to see here) #
- I would say something now but I am supposed to be asleep. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2011-01-03
Posted: January 3, 2011, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- To stem the recent rapid 'sex drain' from the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner approaches the marriage institution to great effect. #
- I am more worried about the injuries I shall sustain if I do fall off the wagon.
Whose bright idea was it to have them sprung so high? # - These hardwood floors are not very long lasting. They barely stay firm for longer than four hours at a time. #
- I keep following fewer and fewer people not of my own volition.
Kindly stop the Twittercides, they hurt me more than they hurt you. # - Or whoever keeps blocking me should keep at it. It's all about point of view, innit? #
- The highlight of the day was me hopping into my neigbour's lap when one of the actors drove his car right at me. I should avoid 3D movies. #
- Being green with envy doesnt count in saving the planet; I am led to understand this actually causes you to enlarge your carbon footprint. #
- I'm busy shopping for a new boss, I think mine is past his sell by date; he is a tad whiffy.
Make it he positively stinks to high heaven. # - I am pretty sure today gave me a black eye. #
- Too exhausted to even lift my own arms. Either I am sick or I am sick, I am uncertain. #
- Deck your balls with LOLs of olive. #
- Zuku fibre box finally affixed to the wall of my house, now only if I can get a hold of one of the techs to connect me… #
- So I am supposed to be asleep but I am here instead. Use me. #
- Live tweeting what you are doing on holiday seems to be far more boring than when you happen to be at work. How unprecedented. #
- Retweeting then answering the editable retweet like we didn't read it the first time is still a thing?
I would love to leave that in 2010. # - I shall now embark on terrorising this cigar. Matches welcome. Wait, where is the brandy and no not you Brandy. Well, ok you can *come* too. #
- Wait, that conversation is *so* last year! #
- This is only going to get worse through to the new year. You had better have your seatbelt fastened. #
- Oh it is that time of year that we do get to do resolutions? Oh joy! #
- "Fuck that shit!"
"No, that is gross!" # - If my gmail inbox is to be believed, the majority of emails they shuffle about are twitter follow & DM notifications. This can't be good. #
- #NowPlaying Nampenda Nani – Juma Nature. #
- I'll never abandon my friends for work again. I have learned my lesson. Goodbye 2010. #
- #NowPlaying Siri Yangu – Lady Jay Dee.
I am taking it to Bongo for a bit. I so adore this young lasses music. # - I wonder how many people would counter or applaud my previous tweet. I am watching keenly. #
- I know!
Ironic that I hate the sun yet I have a sunny avatar but I put it to you that this galaxy is not big enough for both of us. # - I am so in the mood for angry tweets today. #
- See what you did there with the sunglasses and the sun?
Sun's glasses. # - I would adjust my Avi to reflect my dark mood now but due to low interest i will request you to turn over your device/monitor and voila! #
- You guys are the best ever. All the love on the DM is overwhelming. Unfortunately I am not as close to the edge as to possibly fall off. #
- The most mundane and unfunny timeline has taken up residence on my Twitter. I shall go away and come back later, do better people! #
- Hopefully next year I shall be a recognised #meating member. Being invisible has sucked quite a legendary bit. #
- Predictably at this time all my replies shall undoubtably contain the words Happy New Year. #
- Save me from the really loud people that have taken a fancy to standing in front of my house and having a spirited conversation. #
- I should just get a bucket of water and accidentally pour it out over my 1st floor balcony. #
- My twitter stream is so last year. #
- And for those interested in tracking my mood I am deliriously happy for the moment. Check back at two. #
- 2010 is now but a unit of time. For those who don't speak military, this is 8.10 pm. #
- My sun is in the car. #
- Or the other way about. You can't be too sure. English can't be trusted. #
- It's never too soon to show this new year who is king. I just emailed it the house rules. #
- Ring ring ring my bell! #
- Kill me now, please.
You with the chainsaw, please get off the queue and leave.
You with the axe, you might need a larger one. # - Apparently I was barking up the wrong tree. Worse, I am not a dog. #
- I might take a tumble shortly. #
- Oh, not *that* kind of a tumble. #
- I am the sum total of the years that I have been alive and the experiences that I have had. #
- You have to absolutely love the Christmas holidays. People love to take leave of you and from work then. #
- If anyone asks after me don't tell them I am here. #
- Thank you and coitus you very much kplc! #
- Walking into the bar is what lawyers do. Or do they have to pass it to be permitted to practice? #
- I so love being the one to pick up injured birds. It hurts though when their wounds mend and bones heal and they pick up and fly away. #
- As we start with the games in the new year. #
- I am having too many speechless moments lately so I shall employ the services of a ghost writer.
They must be ready to pay to write for me. # - I could use more crisps. Who delivers? #
- I notice my room isn't large enough to fit a elephant in. So no. There isn't one here. #
- Self conscious is better than unconscious, right? Asking for my floor which I am trying not to collide with. #
- I am so hungry I could eat a horse farm.
I am vegetarian you see. # - Justin Beiber's funnier than i am &/or his fans who are quite intelligent.
I propose that mine are smarter and know better than to star me. # - Doing the kuku dance. Cluck cluck. #
- I suppose that I can claim to have read thousands of books now that i have read all your tweets from forever, right? #
- According to the size of my car, I have such a small appendage that I actually am a lesbian. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2010-12-28
Posted: December 27, 2010, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- I wish I was more culturally relevant. #
- "…making spirits bright…" Totally means that they lit the Sambuca on fire, right? #
- Life is a little chewy. #
- I absolutely love Russel Brand. #
- I didn't imagine bending over and lowering my trousers last night would cause you guys to think it an eclipse of the moon.
I'm sorry. # - Santa's Reindeer must pack some serious horsepower. #
- Whenever I am having a bad day I wish I could go back to bed and start it all over again.
Then again often a restart precipitates worse. # - Russel Brand if you are listening, or in fact reading this, your stuff (stuff – comedy) giveth my brain a boner since forever. Thank you. #
- You know when you are busy gathering your skirts as you a driving in slow traffic then you blip the accelerator pedal and scare yourself? #
- "No, you are invalid."
I, to a patient in hospital this evening. # - Had to walk everywhere the past couple of nights since I couldn't use my flying broo, sorry, jet-pack.
First the eclipse then the solstice? # - Anyone who wishes for a sound pounding should step up to the podium right away. I am in a fine mood today. #
- And on the eve of Christmas eve… #
- I would let you kiss my arse but i don't know where your lips have been. #
- I can smell the sun. I must have moved a couple of inches this way. #
- In two days Joseph will go to an Inn and be told there isn't room.
A couple thousand years later, shouldn't he have caught on already? # - Strangely enough more people join my twitter stream. I would feel sorry for them but I am far too busy being awesome. #
- I know what this Christmas could do with; more spirit. It seems quite dispirited. I stabbed it in the thigh and it went, "meh". #
- I don't know much…
That's all I got. Really. # - “WIth an abundance of sex it ceases to be novelty and is relegated to the back burner.”
Sorry, what? If only I could reach that stage. # - I am totally putting vodka in Santa’s milk. #
- Dizzy is now a thing. #
- I shall just stand self next to this sign post and lean on it as I find my feet. #
- I probably should not have retweeted that from church but I am still alive, that must count for something. #
- Since Christmas carols are being sang at me I jane no choice but to wish you a Merry Christmas. It is the one holiday I look forward to. #
- Dude, do I look like I fucking sing? #
- Patience is not a virtue I am imbued with this day. #
- Jingle bells, jingle bells jingle jangle all the way. *adjusts bells, crosses legs* #
- 'They' say kissing a smoker is like kissing a chimmney. If this lass is a smoker and Santa goes or rather comes up the chimmney… #
- Tired is not a good look on my. I hardly have to tell people not to sit next to me. They take one look at me and run. #
- The jokes come in hard and fast, the audience unfortunately are waiting for a laugh track. #avillagechristmas #
- I have a blow job available.
This is a vacancy for someone to blow on my food to cool it before I partake of it. # - I would go stand on Koinange Street and go HO HO HO! But I would not want to be trampled to death in the stampede that would follow. #
- It's been days since I had an original thought. #
- I would like to implore out fellow Kenyans to stop asking after cock in hotels.
The correct thing to ask for is Coke, in the order of cork. # - Calling all fucking pugilists.
*must be still boxing day somewhere in the world* # - Pedestrians worship at the altar of dignity before safety. They have no discernible penchant for self preservation. #
- Giving props to @sueteller who kicked arse starring in A Village Christmas. Loved her in it. The show was ok too. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2010-12-21
Posted: December 20, 2010, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- I would declare that all musicians are sound of mind. #
- On the same premise you could also say they are the sound of music. #
- My life is at the moment displaying a Schrödinger's cat like paradoxical nature. #
- I have it on good authority that Mwaura is quite upset with the lot of you using his name to describe a certain hold my hair kind of event. #
- Smell me? Good heavens, why? I can do this remarkably well on my own thank you very much! #
- How cold does it have to be for you to be able to blame your failure to achieve turgidity on the weather conditions? #
- I am totally huffing this glue that the plumber neglected to take with him when he was done fixing the drainpipe. #
- I think I just lost my foot but I shall put off panicking till one of you calls to drop it off. #
- Lovely classic car seems to be trying to swallow the owner or perhaps it has a spot of indigestion outside Nyayo. [twitpic.com] #
- "It isn't Monday for goodness sake!"
Don't mind me, just yelling at myself. # - I just had a sniff in my armpit and it has me quite convinced that zombies would find it a tad difficult to tell me apart from their ilk. #
- "The more frantically you try and dig yourself out, the further in you are perceived to be." – Intelligensia [tumblr.com] #
- Always keep your nose clean; you never know when someone will pop out of the woodwork and plant a kiss right on your lips. #
- New show "Touched by the TSA"
I am currently gathering a crack production team.
Not that crack, not blow, & definitely not that other one. # - What is that disease that people get from eating human flesh or brains? I have it but I haven't touched a pound of flesh. #
- I have nuts. Very unlike that reanimated Frankenstein person. #
- Smells like desperation, a thousand farts and zombies up in Twitter. #
- I don't like prostitutes. #
- "I think your battery is flat."
Me to a mate whose phone was run over by a steam roller. # - I intend to fully upload my entire state of consciousness onto Twitter, 140 characters at a time. #
- I have an experimental conversational account over @Nik0laos go tailgate that maafaka.
Sniff his nethers too if that rings your bell. # - I thought they called the telly a window into another world.
Didn't work too well when i tossed a bucket of water through it the other day. # - It's off to bed now, and no, you may not crawl in with me. Now, shoo! #
- "You can have it both ways."
Things I like to hear on my birthday. # - I did in fact manage to film some of my trip into work this morning but after reviewing it I decided it best not to incriminate myself. #
- A hotdog does actually smell like a wet dog. #
- Even Twitter thinks that me logging in is a bad thing;
"Bad Request: Your browser sent a request that this server could not understand." # - I would say let's talk about sex but I fear that we already do too much of that already. #
- Next time I fall in love I shall wear a helmet and body armour. #
- Do you suppose Twitter breeds very short relationships owing to its 140 character limit and abundance of people who use twitter? #
- No sir. Twitter is not like your parking receipt; we do *not* validate! #
- My tweet about courtesans seemed to have given a few people indigestion. Awfully sorry, next time kindly watch where you appoint your eyes. #
- This must the holiday depression I keep hearing about.
Someone should look keenly into filling it up. It's dangerous left out like this. # - If your mammaries sport a serial number chances are they are implants and not factory issue. #
- That's it, for Christmas Estella gets a set of premium chromium wheel locking nuts. #
- We would hate it if she lost her shoes now, would we. #
- I would proclaim that I have a Ham radio but I fear that one of you would grab it & take a bite out of it before I could explain what it is. #
- I crush and sniff all my meds. #gangstalife #
- You look absolutely gorgeous in that dress darling. Now hurry up and take it off before I have to rip it off. #
- Evil lurks right outside your door…
FUCKLULZ it's only me standing out there! # - Oh dear, you could be prettier. Much. #
- Fruit cake isn't what it used to be; it's become too humanised. #
- I get brain boners. #
- I am so pretty, so very, very pretty…. #
- “”It takes a village…”
Me, talking about flash floods. # - "Now for the Money Shot!"
Me, again, photographing a wad of cash. # - I do love my Money Shot T-Shirt. Nobody has ever figured out what that alludes to, or they have and have just been afraid to tell me. #
- Me? Nothing. Just sitting here passive aggressively dismissing the Software Update dialogue box; I am not feeling very chatty today. #
- I would be a much better comic if i could find the line to cross it. I have an awfully poor sense of direction. #
- The sound of jingle bells would be far less creepier if you didn’t know that it was the sound of Saint Nicholas jingling his family jewels. #
- Where can i find a hat like those on Harry Potter but instead of finding houses it would select me a wife? #
- My superpower is finding the only traffic jam within 100 kilometers and sitting in it. #
- I wish i wasn’t old enough to know better; or too sober to be so appropriate. #
- K West is a big arse. He can take it. #
- My paranoia is valid. The Internet has put a price on my head! #
- I have no words that would do justice to how awesome the music of Salif Keita is. *swoon* #
- I am going to quietly lie down here on the floor and proceed to pass out. #
- All I want for Christmas is Christmas. #
- "I yield! I yield! Take me!"
French maid I was courting over the weekend. # - What I would do for an old school bell telephone.
These mobiles just do not give you the same satisfaction when you hang up furiously. # - I need to empty these sacks. #
- Oh Tim you went and outdid yourself. Favstar is looking gorgeous.
Now lets get back to regularly being unfollowed. #
- How I wish that these stains on my bed sheets were from something other than pizza, wine or drool. #
- Drive it like you stole it.
I shall start living each day in a similar fashion. # - New Twitter is as to New Favstar. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2010-12-13
Posted: December 13, 2010, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- Tumbler is why we pay for hosting our own blogs and Twitter is the main reason I am able to tell you about this. #
- I would live tweet my day but I am far too busy and important to do that. #
- When i see you tweeting copiously during the day i assume you don't do your job very well, are possibly unemployed or you shall be shortly. #
- Ridin' durrty; i should probably take a shower now. #
- I just saw Santa's naughty list on Wikileaks. Those on it should expect to be telephoned shortly. #
- I am wandering 'accidentally' into oncoming idiots who 'forget' to turn off their high beams. #
- Pavement fording proving quite popular with the offending high beamed drivers. #
- I am down with Tumblr. #
- Someone please take this Coldplay album and this scalpel away from me. #
- An edited retweet on my timeline feels like I am being force fed goo.
I opted out of your retweets & don't follow that person for a reason. # - Considering lathering myself up and walking out into the rain and voila! Shower done. Let's see about poaching my eggs on the car's engine. #
- Coming up next.. Puddle bashing. #
- Don't mind me, I am busy avoiding the season finale of The Walking Dead. #
- I wonder if I can get a tan from running my car heater at it's maximum setting. #
- The girls often scream, "that is huge!" when I whip it out.
This means it's time I replaced my mobile. #
- How long before jeggings are a thing in Nairobi? Should I get a pair? I will look so awesome! #
- Bigger IS always better.
Especially if you are talking about guns.
Not an euphemism. # - This is *NOT* a crocodile suit, the bloody animal is trying to eat me! #
- I would do a number 2 on the road, yes, but i would be terrified of actually relieving self; skid-marks, you understand. #
- I must stop walking around in the middle of the road without being suitably adorned with motor vehicle. I was almost trodden on by a truck. #
- I am up the paddle without a creek. #
- It's that time for musical chairs again.
A number of people on my timeline have changed their avis AND usernames.
When the music stops… # - Ho! Ho! Ho! Your boat, your banana boat, gently down the dream, Mary Mary Mary it was just a stream. #
- Its part ridge in a pair free pair of something something something. I shall go sit quietly in the corner now. #
- I hang my iPhone on my belt just like a modern day codpiece;
"Hey look at my masculinity!"
It screams out. # - Ginger Schnapps should be a thing. #
- 58008 #
- I had to chase my food across the balcony and caught up with it just before it popped over the railing.
Tenderising meat is difficult. # - I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and find that I died during the night and I turned into a zombie. #
- Just don't shoot me in the head, I want to look pretty in heaven. #
- Don't knock your knickers…sorry knockers, I meant don't knock your knockers. It's all about belling the pussy here. Cat. Pussy cat. Sigh. #
- This gives my willy the willies, the heebie jeebies if you will… #
- Is very hard to imagine that a few years ago Apple did not have their own legacy Internet Browser. Safari has come quite a long way since. #
- I have this urge to tell you people stuff but I shall desist. Wait, this is the reason for twitter isn't it? As you were. #
- I am in my throne room. I call it this since it has highly elaborate furniture; I even installed a very ornate flusher. #
- Wiggling it, just a little bit. #
- Earlier this evening I saw a guy write off his new Nissan Wingroad in a display of an impressive bit of horrible high speed car control. #
- Today is not a good day to fuck with me.
I am also glaring at those filling my timeline with edited RTs of people i wish not to follow. # - Did I tell you about the thing about my bank account? Well, I seem to have lost interest. #
- I am the one, he who shall not be named, possibly mostly due to I not having been involved at *all*. #
- If the President got ready on time for his appointments he would stop halting traffic and speeding all over the place like he is wont to. #
- Why does no one ever just take my word for it that they deserve better? #
- Oh my god, a zombie!
Me, when I looked in the mirror this morning.
It was reaching out to me. Wait, these are my hands.
Who killed me? # - Ok a vuvuzela in a wedding?
I have now seen *everything*. # - I only watch these shows to remind me sharpish why I should not participate. #
- I suppose the primary purpose for an elaborately long and trailing wedding dress is to prevent the bride from running out on the groom. #
- Bumps on the forehead are the leading effect that impress upon the importance of opening doors before attempting to walk through them. #
- Kiss tv for an eyeful of booty shaking beauties. You would imagine dancing would involve other parts of the body. #
- "When I die I would be mostly ambivalent about coming back as a zombie. This would be irrelecsnt since a…" [tumblr.com] #
- Sunning myself. Yes it is what it sounds like. #
- Brilliant! Now my house smells like an indian harem. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2010-12-07
Posted: December 6, 2010, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- It's one of those days that I can't even place the Red Bull can upright on my desk. #
- The drink of people who wish they had the energy to grope the day inappropriately. [yfrog.com] #
- When a suicide bomber has a load of bombs in a lorry which he then sets off, does this mean that he has blown his load? #
- A conversation on mobile telephones in Kenya is worse than holding it over a tin can and string telephone over a similar distance. #
- Now, now, stop calling my food names else you shall be wearing it momentarily. #
- What is this Wikileaks? The new Wikipedia? #
- Now where the fuck did I put my purse? via failblog [plixi.com] #
- I notice that @WitStreamdotcom have one Aristocrat listed under I; I'm donating my tweets and profile just to fill that hole in their lives. #
- Lose weight now!
I have this huge meat cleaver that fell off the back of a lorry and a supremely hungry cannibal tribe I need to feed. # - I am harboring serious feelings of inadequacy what with being followed by a sizable bit of Favster top 50 & a quite a crop from WitStream. #
- Hush Puppies, a wet tiled floor and rapid motion make great bedfellows of Acrobatics. #
- My laptop bag weighs exactly 5 kilograms. You lot should be very thankful I haven't had occasion to hit one of you over the noggin with it. #
- I am having conversations with furniture now. Let me ask this door what it thinks of that. It assures me this is perfectly normal. #
- This internet needs more Inter and less Net. #
- I am shaking my tail feather as this song is suggesting to not much effect.
I shouldn't have plucked it off this Peacock first, right? # - My first instinct when someone walking in front of me stops suddenly and bends over is to drop kick him into next Wednesday. #
- I am the guy who, while holding the keys to the door, will still try and open said door without unlocking it first. #
- I would become a Super-villain just for the supreme privilege of shooting whoever disagrees with me. #
- "Greetings Earthlings…"
Me? Just practicing my speech for when the Mother Ship comes to orbit Earth and we need to chat you guys up. # - Happy something or other New Year or whatever that you have on this day M. @RoomThinker. Welcome to old age. #
- When I got outsmarted by that mosquito last night I realised that I need to exercise my mind. Who knows a good gym? #
- I should remember that my invisibility cloak does not enable me to pass through solid objects.
Perhaps glass?
CRASH!
Nope, glass either. # - Seen here is the rare Nissan Xtrail GT. [yfrog.com] #
- Legos; the building blocks of life. #
- Driving carefully round this banana peel on the highway. I hear they are are mighty slippery. #
- I've got to hand it to the driver of this Land Cruiser VX barrelling down State House Road at 110 kph. #
- "I have a firm grasp of the law."
"Sir, kindly unhand my dingleberries before I have to taser you." #
- It is a lot of fun to yell out Duck at a zoo. After everyone ducks you point to one. #
- I realise too late that I should have photographed the food before I ate it.
I would shoot it but this isn't the Discovery Channel. # - A dog is loyal, affectionate, easily pleased & playful; I dry hump furniture and stuff. Ladies, feel free to refer to me as a dog, anytime! #
- Really now, all the damage an Angry Bird can do is negligible before I pull out my shotgun and shoot it down. Unless it has armour plating. #
- Then all bets are off. Swatting at it with my Mobile I am sure would be quite harmless and only end up entertaining said bird. #
- Wait, Angry Birds, say, could this be related to my girlfriend upending my dinner over my head last night? She was quite angry! #
- Let's just say you don't need an additional pole in my bedroom for pole dancing. Now hop to it. #
- It's only in Kenya that when Seacom keels over and dies, the locally hosted .co.ke sites promptly acquire a similar state. #
- Uninstalled Flash on my laptop; the most notable thing so far is that i can only see half the internet. #
- Everything's gone fuzzy again, I need to go mainline some more coffee. #
- Quit hogging the Internet! #
- Coming soon: Pimp My Vitz. #AVitzIsNotACar [plixi.com] #
- My inner child is in detention this evening. #
- Can I just grope your head for a bit? #
- Wait the head with the brains. Not the other one, mind. #
- My new couch twin to my old couch is ready but I like my old couch better! #
- Damn, I never thought The Walking Dead could get better but it did. #
- I think I could be pregnant. This nesting instinct I hear is one of the signs. That and I have not had one of those period things. #
- I am sorry. I shall go to sleep now. #
- I am taking up drinking alcohol if only to have something to blame for the retarded stuff that I do. #
- Now this Ernest @Bazanye knows how to do a How To like no one else.
How to beat up your in-laws.
[bit.ly] # - I am a lesbian, apparently. #
- I love Weet; I can block certain words and mute particular usernames, come here Weet… kissy kissy kissy… COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT! #
- Well, these shoes are not going to walk themselves. #
- Watermelons combines two of my most favourite things. Water and Melons. #
- Oh you need me to concentrate do you? Then turn up the heat, I need to evaporate a little more. #
- That thing about the lawn being greener on the other side, well in this case, this is not a good thing. Something about carpets and drapes. #
- Thank you awesomely for the very, very kind #ff recommendation @VocabuLarry. I am most humbled to be so acknowledged. in reply to VocabuLarry #
- Wycliff reeks, what now?
We call him Wiki in short, indeed he reeks; of week old sweat. # - Whenever I see chickens without feathers on their necks I always imagine that the owners halfway to lopping their heads off pardoned them. #
- I prefer texts to calls since I happen not to be as witty as you imagine; this way I keep the illusion going for as long as possible. #
- I always wondered why my phone screen got really dark when I went outside into bright sunshine.
Photo-chromatic lenses.
Hazard is me. # - Wait, my therapist just hopped out her 10th floor window in the middle of my session.
Those who have a therapist, is this common practice? # - Damn! Woman, you can't come to bed looking like you were in a food fight and lost! Get that stuff off your face! #
- Fuck Ambien, stroke it baby!
Whipping sheep to tire self out so I can fall asleep. # - This means you haven't left, right? #
- Shit. DM fail. #
- I miss July. It is so fucking hot my chocolate is melting, indoors! #
- I must be drunk since I am watching Glee.
Send help. # - You craaaazy! #
- Worse, I like Glee. Kindly direct me to the guillotines. #
- Oh they just didn't do Amy Winehouse. I think I fell out of the closet. Pardon me, mind where I fall, preferably don't be in the vicinity. #
- Oops! Pushed the amplifier and sub too hard and blew a 3 amp fuse, replaced and now being a neighbourhood menace once again. #
- If I was ever subject to those TSA pat downs I would point out the spots that they missed. Even when they didn't. #
- "Find my little Willy!" – Carry on Sergeant. #
- What is this day of the Ninja business?
We are not supposed to exist in the first place.
I for one, not falling for it; I stay hid. # - Guys with a receding hairline are just half Klingon. Apparently. #
- Juliana has a rear end that can cause trouser accidents. #tpf4 #
- Juliana's caboose causes some to call out the lord's name in vain. #tpf4 #
- Kidum lies on the stage to check out juliana's bum from a different angle. #tpf4 #
- Ballads shall be sung in praise of juliana's bum. Surely. #tpf4 #
- YouTube in HTML5 is still buggy but how will they improve it if we don't stop using Flash? #
- Who is messing with gravity? No fair, it's making me all dizzy, quit it! #
- Thank you kind people who have retweeted and favourited the heck out of my tweets the past few days. I owe you tons. Y'all amazing. #
- Frankincense & Myrrh?
Dudes brought Jesus stuff used for embalming & fumigation?
Then again He was born in a barn so pests were problem. # - Suggested to my neighbour across the fence that he sells me his pet cockerel & he was on board till I said that I would eat it this weekend. #
- Is Elf a code word for child labour? I see Saint Nick being brought up on charges sharpish. Then there are the health and safety concerns… #
- Whatever happened to Conjestina? #
- I have the power to address the world while in my couch and what do I do with it? I tell bad jokes. We are not ready for extra-terrestrials. #
- I would unfollow that supper if I could. Well, maybe just a bit of it.
Uncomfortably full. Rolling about the bed like a crocodile in heat. # - Going by the quality of the tweets on my twitter, Tumbler better untumble soon & find those databases soon else I may have to stab someone. #
- Sod it all to hell. Typo alert in my previous tweet. #
- For those who fell asleep on me, get the fuck up off me, stop snoring and for God's sake stop drooling! Almost went in my mouth, that did! #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2010-11-30
Posted: November 29, 2010, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- Blow which is ‘Blow’ and a job that involves blowing which is not situated in a Blacksmith’s shop and bellows; coincidence? #
- Just don’t hold the iPad too close to your private area when it is vibrating. #
- What do you mean a boob job?!
These are all mine! After he was done blushing, Mech patiently explained that it was a LUBE job; for the car. # - The new Uwezo Tariff by Safaricom; mumewezwa. #
- Recalibrating the Compass thingie app by waving it in a figure 8 motion in public is proof that you are loco, but here goes. #
- Shaking it coz my mama gave it to me; as a present you understand. #
- I just figured out why women stop going out with me rather suddenly.
Apparently beer drinking and football watching *IS* a prerequisite. # - Apparently I was right about those who spend extended hours in bed. How do I put this delicately? Low IQ, amirite? #
- A rough morning on Nairobi roads; a trailer is napping on Haile Selassie roundabout while a Tour Van fell off the road at Belle Vue. #
- BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Don't mind me I am backing up my hard disk.
Since you ask, yes it is that voluminous. # - I need a stiff drink sounds so different now that I have Twitter. This shall be a soft pun shortly too. #
- I have a hole in my sock.
And no, it is not an euphemism. # - And it's quite large. So large in fact that my foot could fall right out of it. #
- I am not getting any Twitter spam. It's like high school all over again! #
- All that's missing now is a hole in my pocket.
I used these scissors, now I ask after a volunteer, please get after my keys.
Ladies? # - This sock with the hole in it is like an anklet, or ankle bandage, same thing really. #
- Thanks @dungudungu, the best i can do is change the Font. @justdes @alykhansatchu @kahenya @kenyanpundit @mkaigwa @bankelele @patriciashow in reply to dungudungu #
- #ff @A_Peabody thank you, you are too kind, really. in reply to A_Peabody #
- A few head of Kale is what's missing from this lawn, perhaps add a crop of Maize too.
Wonder why my neighbors don't appreciate the effort. # - I admit that that tweet might be a wee bit top-heavy. #
- I wonder why BlackBerry has not hopped onto the Black Friday bandwagon. #
- One more idiot driver; I would have gotten out of my car & shot the fuck out of them.
Learn to Fucking drive; it's an attitude not a skill. # - I'm afraid we have to substitute my feelings shortly due to major injury, i hope they do send in a taste of choc. ice cream as replacement. #
- Psss psss psss psss…. #
- I wish the world were mine. At times I just wish I wasn't quite such a resident here. #
- I drop so many names that it is all crunchy when I walk; what with all the name tags strewn everywhere.
Did I mention they are still worn? # - It's hard to tweet that I could be upset or depressed with this avatar. When I do, like now, kindly turn your phone or monitor upside down. #
- I just happen to be consistently inconsistently consistent.
I should instead build a consistently inconsistent constitution. # - The Little Car That Could, couldn't because it went Broom! Broom! Instead of Vroom! Vroom!
It may also have something to do with witches. # - Meanwhile, I wish to thank the two people who consistently star and RT my tweets; sadly it possibly could be the sound of one hand clapping. #
- When I buy a car, I always look for one with a roomy trunk. The dashboard must also be aesthetically pleasing, no cheap saggy stuff. #
- I just want to listen to my Beyoncé music without being judged. #
- …speak now or forever hold your piece… #
- The tinsel parade with this couple in #weddingshow Oh my poor eyes! #
- The bride crowdsurfing on the groomsmen. #weddingshow #
- I am watching #weddingshow only for the possibly spillover sex. I hear there is lots after weddings. #
- My inner child just wet himself. #
- Tried sitting down in front of my computer to write to no avail. I might as well take up contortionism at this rate. #
- MP3 ringtones are the scourge of the earth.
My first instinct is to bust a move, not pick the call.
Worse, it could be a song I hate. # - Hey!
Stop poking me ma'am, I am not on Facebook. # - Coat of arms? I my gun has one. Who said that my pistol grip shotgun doesn't catch a chill? Wait, does that make it a concealed weapon? #
- The next big thing; Explosive Breast implants.
Take it away Airport authorities, fondle away. # - I chug, I chug chug, all day I chug chug. When I wake up I chug chug, when I sit I chug chug, when I stand I chug chug. Drink much? #
- Have I made you the laughing stock, sorry I meant have I made you laugh? #
- Nothing worse than being abandoned in a DM conversation; I would gladly accept an proffered deployed grenade in its stead. #
- Shit is about to pop off!
Sitting in the Water Closet practicing my American. I am not very good as you can tell. # - Oh you won't believe the flak I have gotten over that last tweet. Goodness me! #
- Now who left this elephant in my living room?
Anyone missing an elephant? I see supper, you had better hurry! # - Okay, faster, push harder.
No? Now a little to the left, right?
No? Then perhaps slightly inserted.
Nothing?
My credit card won't work. #
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2010-11-22
Posted: November 22, 2010, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- I use Google Instant when i am on a EDGE connection to speed up the results of a search. #genius #
- I would let you give me a ride ma'am; its just that I find procuring splinters from that broom in my derrière quite uncomfortable. #
- Oh I posted on my blog since I am, for reasons I am not quite sure of myself, using Orange internet.
- At times I wonder if the art of conversation is steeply rooted in the indulgence of stating the obvious. #
- The Vitz screams in utter horror just before it vanished into my turbo scoop. #avitzisnotacar [plixi.com] #
- There is nothing as hot as planting your right foot and the turbos whine to a crescendo as you are hurled forward at incredible speed. #
- Oh guys, look at me @hannahsatana has me all evil and shit. dont i look dashing. Ok who shall be coming with me, the path is wide & smooth.. in reply to hannahsatana #
- And thank you guys for hitting my blog [bit.ly] earlier. I got that rare call from my web-host asking about a fire. #
- In honor of my two day training I hope to fill my timeline with such inanities that you lot unfollow me or sit here silently. #
- If the sun shows up this whole staying awake in training thing shall be shot to fucking hell. #
- Bone extraction, if you extrapolate from observations on Twitter, is a very lucrative activity provided that you survive the transaction. #
- Wait, why should I lick the pussy? I notice that it's quite adept at self cleaning, see the lustre when it walks into the sunlight? #
- Why do we need Windmills?
The wind round these parts is quite sufficiently milled already. # - Twitter for iPhone finally grew some notifications thanks to the update. I can now proceed to ignore your DMs in real time. #
- It always makes me feel better walking into a shrink's office knowing that they too shall need one shortly. #
- I can attest to the brilliance of the new Twitter for iPhone and iPad updates and push messaging. Tons DMs all to sent to the wrong people. #
- With all this new fanglery all that remains is one major DM fail to cap it off. I am awfully glad you didn't see that one I just deleted. #
- Totally bulshitting my way through this workshop assignment and winning. They are not onto me yet. #
- Do cars have silent mode?
I tried to hoot this morning but the car vibrated instead of sounding the horn.
Where do I change the profile? # - The #technology Daily [j.mp] by @TeriWanderi I quite like! #
- It is quite likely, noting all this exposed wiring, that I shall be electrocuted long before I learn anything at this workshop. #
- Beavers are adorable creatures.
That is what i call them when they are not Brazilian in nature. # - She bangs, she bangs, she has lovely bangs. #
- Pro tip: If you drop your drink while emergency braking for some idiot, pick it up on the next left when it rolls back your way. #
- Meanwhile those who are looking for traffic; I have found it. #
- I have a bone to pick with vegetarians; busy trying to starve my food. #
- Roads are so slippery out there it felt like when I try do the tango in the shower.
OW! # - I would totally favorite that session. #
- The TSA: "We validate packages." #
- Would have deposited my expectant girlfriend at the Emergency Entrance but the notice under that said "Deliveries at the Service Entrance." #
- Young lady, awfully nice of you to let us know that you are, as the bum imprint states, 'juicy' but that is just belaboring the point. #
- Your username is so long that I can only dm you one letter responses. #
- Oh welcome Saturday. Come here so that I may grope you inappropriately. #
- I was so sweaty when I got into the shower my plastic shower head rusted through. #
- How long before I can declare legal death? Asking for this headless chicken running around my yard. I need to toss it into this hot water. #
- If I was any more clueless about football I would be that cow over there. #
- What do you mean I am a flight risk, your honour?
Oh these tickets?
No, they are for the train. # - I am awake and supremely grouchy. I would kick myself if every muscle in my body were not in excruciating pain.
Send help. # - A nose hair ten times longer than the hair on my head shall ever be just fell out of my nose into my breakfast.
This joke wrote itself. # - Next up, a pretty hot afternoon.
You are welcome. # - Wearing tight fitting jeans causes you to sing a couple of octaves higher and sweat profusely. That and causing unmentionable harm to nads. #
- In other news; AMC’s The Walking Dead is AMAZING. I am so in love, with the show, not the zombies, they are such flat characters. #
- There are some things called AMAs apparently.
Thank you for the effort but kindly keep observations of said to your kind selves. # - On Twitter its just like shooting fish in a barrel. #
- The Internet used to have more of a portrait attitude.
Recently it has taken a more landscape leaning. #
-
A little LOLcat Has Almost Never Hurt Anyone Before
Posted: November 16, 2010, 2:27 pm by NiKolaS
-
Asinine Stuff I Was Up To this Week 2010-11-16
Posted: November 15, 2010, 11:59 pm by NiKolaS
- With all the hands i have given at this performance its a wonder i have this pair left, mostly since they were attached to my shoulders. #
- Mind people, sure you have heard this before but do not mistake Twitter for your diary.
Your diary is usually stored in your nightstand. # - It seems this new Safaricom / airline ad is making Beibers… sorry believers of everyone. Or zombies. It isn't very clear at the moment. #
- I would sing @antoneosoul a happy new year song but that would ruin his hearing hence i shall stick to a polite shoulder bump. #
- I am now done reading the internet.
Just in time too. # - Going over your timeline is just like time travel; you can delete tweets that you do not like and mess with the space time continuum. #
- Oh dear! I just tried to Retweet myself.
Not quite as much fun as googling myself though. # - *crickets* #
- My sleeping with eyes open must be the reason i feel like I hardly slept at all. #
- I declare today; "Drive off with your tow truck day." [bit.ly] Watch carefully and follow suit. (Via ThatWillBuffOut) #
- Backhoe; n. not quite what you would think it to be. #
- Conan is back!
I am day or so late but who is counting? # - Navi is just a poor pronunciation of Navy. #
- I seem to have found Dora, not in the position i imagined. NSFW, mildly. [bit.ly] (Via FAILBlog) cc @bankelele @TerryanneChebet #
- Hardon colander, not quite what you might expect. #
- I propose that Unicorns are horses in disguise. #
- That sunrise this morning was absolutely gorgeous, now; could the sun just go back to whence it has been recently? #
- Logic dictates that I should be getting better at this by virtue of practice.
Reality shows otherwise. # - Boffing on a prepaid phone then running out of airtime in the heat of things is the new coitus interruptus. #
- Your Flash Disk is so old it shows up among the Hard Disks list in Windows' My Computer. #
- Days like these, sunny and bright, make me suspect that I am might be related to a Vampire. OW! It hurts, take it away! #
- You know that contraption that makes water from thin air?
Well It could make it from fat air but; cholesterol.
I'm sorry. # - Would you be a dear and go turn down the sun? Please don't be long about it neither. #
- Starting midnight, Twitter changed how the Follow Emails are branded. I am paranoid, assuredly but i am sure they are out to get me. #
- "Are you mad yet, tree?
Make your move, just dont fall on me."
Me, talking to a tree before hugging it. # - If your engine issues lots of smoke when you are done thrashing it enthusiastically you probably should have used a little more lubrication. #
- In the US, is there an area code 404? And if so how do they get their mail or calls? #
- I seem to have lost my marbles.
The first thud I hear shall indicate where I should start looking. # - I seem to have lost my marbles.
The first thud I hear shall indicate where I should start looking. # - It would get rather noisy when William Tell got beat up, what will all the *telling* going on. #
- No, Friday, NO! Get away from me! No, not even with your *warming* lube, no! I have a headache. #
- I am glad people stopped #FF me.
It is indeed quite difficult to explain to your friends why following me would be in their best interests. # - Now this is some witty writing, this is; [bit.ly] #AustinPowers #
- I know i shouldn't accept candy from strangers.
Wait, your name *is* Candy? Well, that all right then; step right this way please. # - I am amazed at my proclivity to encumber myself in innumerably unmentionable ways. #
- "Make it *so* Mr. Sulu."
Me bargaining with a tout about a hundred shilling fare. # - I'd be a pirate, mostly for the abundant booty. #
- It would get rather noisy when William Tell got beat up, what with all the *telling* going on. #
- Fancy running into an old friend in traffic and reconnecting. Traffic can be used for good! Lessons kids, lessons. #
- Let's see. Traffic; reconnecting people.
Sounds like Nokia's but it's ok I hear since I worked on that campaign. # - I said Grace out loud at this restaurant and looked up just in time to be mobbed by a number of comely lasses. #
- Stepping out of my personal space and hopping right into yours #
- For someone to be able to kiss your arse you would have to get up off it first. #
- I wonder why they are called public conveniences when they do smell more like public inconveniences? #
- Could the lasses bring back those pointy bras from the 60s? Those were awesome. You could poke an eye out with one of them. #
- THE ALIENS ARE COMING! THE ALIENS ARE COMING!
Who has a really big sock or tissue? # - And this is why I should not fall asleep during the day. #
- This lovely wedding cake apparently has tears. #weddingshow #
- I finally come face to face with the Safaricom ad on television, sounds infinitely better on here than on YouTube. Looks worse though in SD. #
- I am informed that she is expecting, is that a white dress still? #weddingshow i sure hope its pink! Must be immaculate conception then. #
- I would ask that they bring a local artist to spice up the performances at #tpf4 but I am afraid they are worse live performers. #
- I was unaware Sheila was into bondage what with all that metallurgy around her torso. Rawr! #tpf4 #
- For the number of times I have tried to change the channel on tv with my mouse today… #
- If Sheila is pulling a Medusa look it is a clear fail since I am yet to turn into stone, literally or figuratively. #tpf4 #
- I feel more validated than when starred on twitter when I type an English word that my computer does not fathom is a real word. #
- Wise choice choosing one of my very favorite songs dude but weak shaky voice is not doing it for me. #tpf4 #
- Somebody please peel this Gabiro fella off my television this instant. #tpf4 I love the song but this rendition sucks majorly. Sing! #
- Judge Ian for president. Tell them! #tpf4 #
- Sing it baby! Meanwhile where is that rear camera? Mulika huko nyuma! #tpf4 *fanning self* #Amelina #
- Habibi by Palek? I hope that she does not ruin this song for me. It is quite dear to me. #tpf4 #
- Palek is pretty good actually. Does she speak the language? #tpf4 #
- Tabu Ley's Muzina? I am hoping Davis does not mutilate it but again my hopes are dashed. The song is ruined. #tpf4 #
- This is a fail. Dude what the fuck? Phone on on stage? I thought I was hearing things with the rf interference. #tpf4 Ayub Ogada. #
- If I didn't spend so much time explaining jokes to real life people I would have more time to tell here on Twitter. #
- I shot myself in the foot for asking #tpf4 bring in an artist to show them contestants how it's done.
He came and his phone rang on stage. # - There's so much on my desk there is scarcely any space for my iMac.
Something I thought I would never say, what with it's small footprint. # - Could @designkenya [bit.ly] kindly credit RT to @funnyoneliners [bit.ly] with their tweet please. Thank you kindly. #
- I like muffins.
Muffin tops, not quite as much, they they tend to be rather crusty. # - Keeping you lot entertained is such hard work.
Now, where are the abundantly luxuriant pretty, loose lasses at for some recreation? # - I get this odd feeling that I have done this before. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-11
Posted: November 11, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- Backhoe; n. not quite what you would think it to be. #
- Conan is back!
I am day or so late but who is counting? # - Navi is just a poor pronunciation of Navy. #
- I seem to have found Dora, not in the position i imagined. NSFW, mildly. [bit.ly] (Via FAILBlog) cc @bankelele @TerryanneChebet #
- Hardon colander, not quite what you might expect. #
- I propose that Unicorns are horses in disguise. #
- That sunrise this morning was absolutely gorgeous, now; could the sun just go back to whence it has been recently? #
- Logic dictates that I should be getting better at this by virtue of practice.
Reality shows otherwise. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-11
Posted: November 11, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- Backhoe; n. not quite what you would think it to be. #
- Conan is back!
I am day or so late but who is counting? # - Navi is just a poor pronunciation of Navy. #
- I seem to have found Dora, not in the position i imagined. NSFW, mildly. [bit.ly] (Via FAILBlog) cc @bankelele @TerryanneChebet #
- Hardon colander, not quite what you might expect. #
- I propose that Unicorns are horses in disguise. #
- That sunrise this morning was absolutely gorgeous, now; could the sun just go back to whence it has been recently? #
- Logic dictates that I should be getting better at this by virtue of practice.
Reality shows otherwise. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-10
Posted: November 10, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- Mind people, sure you have heard this before but do not mistake Twitter for your diary.
Your diary is usually stored in your nightstand. # - It seems this new Safaricom / airline ad is making Beibers… sorry believers of everyone. Or zombies. It isn't very clear at the moment. #
- I would sing @antoneosoul a happy new year song but that would ruin his hearing hence i shall stick to a polite shoulder bump. #
- I am now done reading the internet.
Just in time too. # - Going over your timeline is just like time travel; you can delete tweets that you do not like and mess with the space time continuum. #
- Oh dear! I just tried to Retweet myself.
Not quite as much fun as googling myself though. # - *crickets* #
- My sleeping with eyes open must be the reason i feel like I hardly slept at all. #
- I declare today; "Drive off with your tow truck day." [bit.ly] Watch carefully and follow suit. (Via ThatWillBuffOut) #
- Mind people, sure you have heard this before but do not mistake Twitter for your diary.
-
Twitter Updates for 2010-11-09
Posted: November 9, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- Being a grown up is not all its cut out to be, take these bills and rent, for instance. #
- I want to follow my dreams but I couldn't find them on Twitter. #
- Every time i sneeze Twitter keels over and dies. Perhaps I should take my anti allergen medication.
AAAAAAAAATCHOOOOOO!! Excuse me, please! # - Ice is just water that's gone a little stiff. #
- I expect that i shall be shot dead for this;
[bit.ly]
Not that it matters. # - I love the wet roads. I can powerslide to my heart's content without ruining my tyres and with some predictable accuracy too. #
- Oh I finally saw Terryanne Chebet on tv. Where is this XYZ Show? I am not missing it tonight! #
- With all the hands i have given at this performance its a wonder i have this pair left, mostly since they were attached to my shoulders. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-08
Posted: November 8, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- #NowPlaying this image would be a perfect representation. *swoon* [plixi.com] #
- Sankale is hilarious, on Churchill on NTV. How do you walk on stage and proceed to shake the hands of everyone on stage including the band?! #
- Now that I learned how to blog I have stopped blogging. I will take the same vein with Twitter. #
- My face has encroached so far past my hairline it is now threatening my patch of back hair. #
- Loving Sheila's deerinheadlightssurprisegothspillouotofherclothes look this evening. #tpf4 #
- Stiff upper lip and all that.
I just wish it did not have to involve a fist and said lip. # - Today the sound is excellent, i only have a problem with the song choices. I am falling asleep in my coffee here. #tpf4 #
- I would throw my mug at the telly but that would be too costly. #tpf4 #
- Ian is my friend today. I am hoping on his bandwagon. #tpf4 Not *that* bandwagon, mind. #
- I am sorry. No. I refuse. Let me know when this song ends. Murder! #tpf4 If its not the equipment, its the contestants. I give up. #
- Please do not murder my song! Pretty please? #tpf4 Angel of Mine. #
- If Mitch stares any harder at Gaelle’s arse all her clothes shall fall off. #tpf4 #
- Wait, no band today? These metallic playback tracks are aweful, my poor ears. #tpf4 #
- Aii my dear. #MAWE is all i can say. That thing on her head is very distracting and looks awfully itchy. #tpf4 #
- Yay! My shower song! Man, I feel like a woman! #tpf4 I think i might have just said too much. She is drowning the poor lass, flop! #
- See you lot next Sunday. I shall slither back whence I emerged. Lots of Love. (LOL) #tpf4 #
- Almost threw my back out just hoisting self off my couch. I wonder how old people do this unscathed. #
- It's the threat of being homeless that gets me out of bed every morning. #
- This is a post from the days I could claim writing was related to me.
[www.theintelligensia.com] # - Wait, this LIKE button on Facething does not mean similar? #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-07
Posted: November 7, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- I love how @bbc_topgear nailed the previous Stig in the bit about the ones who think they can write books. Made my morning it did. #
- I like the taste of my tongue. #
- The walls have ears and potatoes have eyes.
I just thought this important enough to engage Twitter servers for. # - Come, come Dr. Nookie no need for all this fuss. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-06
Posted: November 6, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- Friends, Romans, Ugandans, Kenyans, that vagrant over there, countrymen; my DM inbox is a happy place, kindly do not assault my poor Inbox. #
- Loose and lose, not interchangeable, trust me Internet.
You have loose stool you do not lose stool. # - This hard boiled sweet tastes so nasty, I imagine that the wrapper tasted better. #
- I just want to sleep with you; who said sex was going to be part of this arrangement? I would have proclaimed that I want to.. OH SHINY! #
- If pedestrians knew I was tweeting while driving they would get out of the way much faster for fear of their lives. #
- #nowplaying Poa – Madtraxx #
- Thank you awesomely for the follow Friday recommendations, I adore your tenacity and levels of patience. My timeline is surely no picnic. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-05
Posted: November 5, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- There's lots about running for the President but it seems no one has the cojones for it. I got tackled by a small rock last time I tried. #
- I fully understand why, like me, we would never use our faces as avas.
We would have tons more followers, or join the Muppet Show. # - If walls could talk they probably wouldn't have much to say other than probably the roof was leaning on them a little too hard. #
- How I missed you Internet.
Let's go make out in the corner. # - How do I look in my tutu?
Honestly I would say rather fetching, see? # - Wearing an evil grin. Glad to know I still can. #
- We're jamming we're jamming we are sitting in traffic with you. #
- #NowPlaying Forever More – Alaine ft.Tarrus Riley #
- Is silent treatment where they administer drugs without telling you what it is for, and then you are not allowed tell anyone about it? #
- #NowPlaying Rise in Love – Alaine
Didn't want to fall in love no more,
Was so sad I, fell so many times I hit the floor, hurt so bad… # - People who say 'sexy time' do assuredly get none. #
- You know that Alaine tweet, its mostly because i am clumsy in love that i hit the floor that many times. I am not very good at holding on. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-04
Posted: November 4, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-03
Posted: November 3, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- Finally! My Nokia 3310 is here. Hit me on my YU line y'all. [twitgoo.com] #
- I win, Internet. Looking for my iPhone so that i may back it up on my laptop then later found out that it was the one I was speaking on. #
- That somehow made sense in my head. Its 4.30 there are deadlines, who the fuck cares? #
- There is such a thing as too big, trust me on this one.
Like the tyres on this Vitz. #avitzisnotacar # - The next idiot to retweet a mass mention good morning tweet shall be quartered and hung. Dm that shit. #
- Feeling so bleurgh this morning that a sloth can outpace me in it's sleep. #
-
Twitter Updates for 2010-11-02
Posted: November 2, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- You know that search for the one (1) unread email in your thousand mail Gmail inbox that drives you batty?
I am in one now, hand me my gun. # - Ghost listening or rather, watching @Maximilus' playlist and my comments on them are killing my assistant who knows the language. #
- I woke up this morning and came to work.
My right foot on the other hand is still fast asleep in my bed.
OW! # - My Bank might count as the root of evil but my phone service provider takes the cake, prolly trying to run Satan's operations themselves. #
- This tissue paper is so rough that I shall start using it to exfoliate. #
- Puddles of water to splash about in, awesome!
*hop* *splash*
What? You probably should not be standing next to the puddle like that. # - Every month I write to this guy bill@kplc.co.ke and he always writes back, not immediately but he is prompt.
Bill for employee of the year! #
- You know that search for the one (1) unread email in your thousand mail Gmail inbox that drives you batty?
-
Twitter Updates for 2010-11-02
Posted: November 2, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- You know that search for the one (1) unread email in your thousand mail Gmail inbox that drives you batty?
I am in one now, hand me my gun. # - Ghost listening or rather, watching @Maximilus' playlist and my comments on them are killing my assistant who knows the language. #
- I woke up this morning and came to work.
My right foot on the other hand is still fast asleep in my bed.
OW! # - My Bank might count as the root of evil but my phone service provider takes the cake, prolly trying to run Satan's operations themselves. #
- This tissue paper is so rough that I shall start using it to exfoliate. #
- Puddles of water to splash about in, awesome!
*hop* *splash*
What? You probably should not be standing next to the puddle like that. # - Every month I write to this guy bill@kplc.co.ke and he always writes back, not immediately but he is prompt.
Bill for employee of the year! #
- You know that search for the one (1) unread email in your thousand mail Gmail inbox that drives you batty?
-
Twitter Updates for 2010-11-01
Posted: November 1, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- According to my science teacher I have high potential energy since I am standing atop a high building. You notice I really wasn't listening. #
- Thanks to having no filter curtain or tint on my living room windows Naked Sunday is on hold indefinitely. #
- From what I hear. Seals absolutely love this clubbing thing. I wonder if they drink much. #
- Your car is too old when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole. #
- "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." Jane, The Mentalist. #
- This wedding is a music video. They are quite happy too. All easygoing and such. They get a nod from me and I AM harsh. #
- I eat ice cream right from the tub. No need to introduce a middleman. #
- Not westlife! Where is that remote? #tpf4 #
- No Ordinary Family. A new escape. Now shove off. #
- In my MacBook fan's opinion Flash is a whole lot of hot air. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-11-01
Posted: November 1, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- According to my science teacher I have high potential energy since I am standing atop a high building. You notice I really wasn't listening. #
- Thanks to having no filter curtain or tint on my living room windows Naked Sunday is on hold indefinitely. #
- From what I hear. Seals absolutely love this clubbing thing. I wonder if they drink much. #
- Your car is too old when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole. #
- "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." Jane, The Mentalist. #
- This wedding is a music video. They are quite happy too. All easygoing and such. They get a nod from me and I AM harsh. #
- I eat ice cream right from the tub. No need to introduce a middleman. #
- Not westlife! Where is that remote? #tpf4 #
- No Ordinary Family. A new escape. Now shove off. #
- In my MacBook fan's opinion Flash is a whole lot of hot air. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-31
Posted: October 31, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- I love the smell of freshly cut grass.
Unfortunately for it to give you a proper high it has to be dried just so for a good solid high. # - Just seen a vitz left with lights on. No problem. The owner will buy 2 AAA batteries to replace the ones that will run down. #avitzisnotacar #
- I love the smell of freshly cut grass.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-30
Posted: October 30, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Is this HP Proliant Server and 24 inch monitor i am using for Twitter overkill? #
- I can't wait to take delivery of my new Nokia 3310 phone! #
- My face is nothing to write home about so all these FaceTime apps and such like have no appeal.
That and I spend a lot of my time nude. # - Seems these Spanish prostitutes have been hard to spot hence the need for reflective glitter… Queenie? [plixi.com] #
- Stumbling around like a zombie, because it is dark and the ground is uneven, worse I am insisting on telling you about it at the same time. #
- Tailgating is the car equivalent of lodging one's nose up the arse of the person walking in front of you. Either way, not pleasant. #
- Tonight we stay awake and play. #
- This new couch thought it funny to tackle me and try smother me as I was shoving it through the door; I showed it who is boss.
Send help. # - Oh Twitter, fucking brilliant!
For #FF they take away all followers. # - “Adjusting my codpiece.” Don’t peek! #
-
Saudis In Audis.
Posted: October 29, 2010, 9:50 am by NiKolaS
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-29
Posted: October 29, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I am a man of substance.
Pity that they forgot to mention what substance they were referring to. *SNIFF* # - Causing a scene of crime. #
- Trick or Tweet is a 1959 movie featuring Sylvester Cat and a goony orange cat.
Paint me gobsmacked! # - If i were any sleepier i would be tweeting y’all from my dream. #
- I feel like I know some of you on Twitter much more intimately than I should.
Perhaps you shouldn't tell me so much about yourselves. # - This is Friday which was supposed to be Saturday which in turn was supposed to be Sunday. #
- Meanwhile on my now almost dead Blog… [bit.ly] Saudis In Audis! #
- I am a man of substance.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-28
Posted: October 28, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- When I look at the meat hanging in a Butcher's window I wonder if for cows that is equivalent of porn. #
- You are hilarious. And easily pleased. Things I like in my ideal woman. #
- When Lucifer was shopping for places to model hell after they must have come round here. It is *that* hot. #
- When Shakira sang;
"..my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse them with mountains"
how in fuck, then the rest of the song?! # - Oh God! Are Maasais the first vampires? #
- It's pretty difficult to pretend to be listening on video chat and meanwhile catching up on last week's episode of Lie to Me. #
- Changing your Avi AND username doesn't make you funnier. It just confuses me.
When confused, i unfollow then forget to ask questions later. # - I totally nailed the douchebag pose of window down, elbow hanging out, honk when overtaking on my way home this evening. #
- If you have to make us suffer multiple RT retweets be kind to us and RT something immensely hilarious AND earth shattering. Thank you. #
- Now I have gone and jumped off the deep end. Unfortunately this is the kiddie pool. OW! #
- Starring tweets is relatively painless.
Unless you fell off your chair laughing or you had cut your finger or broken it or broke your arm. # - LoofahJim®, for when SpongeBob SquarePants® needs a little help in the shower. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-27
Posted: October 27, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- If you type like i do, words liek *today* end up as *toady*. And obviously like as liek, don't even get started about being and such like. #
- I acknowledge @jusblackman as my most avid reader, thank you for making sure i don't get out of the house and walk into potholes unobserved. in reply to jusblackman #
- I am not really a goat but i play one on here. Or not. Is this thing on? #
- iPhone 16GB unlocked FoneXpress Ukay 80k Kenya shillings.
Anyone know who is stocking the N8? # - Trying to get my car to ‘kick down’ but driving with these spurs is really difficult. #
- Turn down service; unexpectedly has nothing to do with pretty women refusing your ungainly advances. #
- 300 bob shillings for parking will not make an iota of difference.
Nothing happens next week, Kenyans have the most amazing attention span. # - Now shut up about it and entertain me. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-26
Posted: October 26, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- The day Twitter recommends that i follow @50cent will be a good time to close my account. #
- The next idiot to reply LOL to a remark in an wit sparring contest shall be disqualified, quartered and smocked. (Not a typo) #
- I am surely not in the favour of those who are faint of wit. #
- I had a brief but vigorous tussle with a gecko and I declare it a draw since it escaped while i was ported head first into a stack of books. #
- I tied my spirit animal to my bonnet today, the one on the car; not this lovely pink one I'm wearing, it is now ready to eat. #
- Who is your mother? #
- Hey, don't look at me like that, the printer started it by eating my tie!
*hides the rungu quickly behind him* # - Currently accepting unstar typoed Tweet DMs. #
- If you have my back as you claim, what is holding my torso to my hips? #
- I think @rMiLaNa's tweets are absolutely cute and adorable.
Just like this lamb i am petting. in reply to rMiLaNa # - Water off a duck's back eh?
Let's see how un-dampened the duck shall be when i add a little detergent to this bucket of water. # - "I would rather put a campfire out with my face." Deb #dexter #
- I don't think i am doing this right.
Please hand me an instructional for how to wear an umbrella, seems this one isn't a good fit, OW! # - In commemoration of our fitting 1501 people in this tiny space could y'all stop squirming long enough for me to eat my Bhajia?
Thank you! #
- I am wondering what my neighbour is hyperventilating about. His cow's blood will replenish. I was thirsty and milk can only take one so far. #
- In the traffic. Vitz for quick sale. #avitzisnotacar would make a great hood ornament. [twitgoo.com] #
- When i was created I was told I was one of a kind; unique – a once ever prototype, DNA however shows that i could have relatives. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-25
Posted: October 25, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I am living *my* dream.
It's quite possibly I have impossibly low standards. Pardon me while I roll over and cuddle my laptop. # - When it rains it pours because obviously it would be strange if it did something entirely different. #
- Perhaps we should have that second mug of coffee and find something to eat. Any volunteers may show up with casseroles. Females prefferred. #
- What is this wedding show on NTV? Been talking at my tv for the past 20 minutes. WTF? #
- With the way horses stink there is no way I am sitting in a box being dragged along by a pair of them. #
- I have a big tush and I know how to wield it.
Lady showing how to 'shake it' on TV. # - I am here late but i am, now move over! #tpf4 #
- Goodness, this is how this mama sounds after training? Toa hio. (lass inred cap) she looks hot though. #tpf4 #
- Does she know the words? i didnt hear one. #tpf4 #
- Is it me or the sound is horrid today? #tpf4 #
- I love those tracks that are being beaten to a pulp on #tpf4 today so i shall spare myself the agony and skip the show today. #
- ”Moo!”
That is how rare this piece of meat i am devouring is, and unfortunately rare also refers to how little it is too. # - I leave home 15 minutes later than usual and I am stuck in fucked up traffic. Send help. And my gun. #
- Early morning traffic. [twitgoo.com] #
- I can see Twitter is still hard at work trying to valiantly eliminate the 'Good Morning' bug. Not as rampant but still just as annoying. #
- #MusicMonday some Lady GaGa. All of them sound the same to me really. *dance dance* #
- Someone just tossed a life jacket at me. Said something about looking like a drowning rat. I should learn how to dance. #
- Lady GaGa has junk? Why is this news to me? You fail internet. Now I am wondering if its bigger than mine. #
- I am living *my* dream.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-24
Posted: October 24, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Instead of growing a big head from all the attention apparently Estella is growing a big bum. #
- If this day were any longer i would require an additional wrist watch. #
- "There is a dead animal in my bun."
Me a moment ago while regarding a beef burger. # - Weeding.
Do not disturb. # - Unfortunately my job sounds like i spend the whole day pretending to be a computer peripheral. #
- You know that moment when you slip and you know you are about to make out violently with the pavement? No? Me neither. #
- OW! #
- If I had a superpower this would be the best time for it to come manifest. This would be the only reason that I would be at work right now. #
- I can see the end. And the rain. To think I got Estella all nice and polished today. #
- I am so stinky right now you would think I work in a factory. But wait, I do. Who wants to join me in the shower? #
- If i never see a pair of breasts ever again it will be too soon.
However, I may attend to them one a time. # - Poultry should always be procured in a state of advanced deadness. This way they would not be such a bother to me on mornings such as today. #
- Clearly telling you guys that I am awake would be moot huh? #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-23
Posted: October 23, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- This cow looks bull-ey.
Must be what the equivalent of a mildly bearded young lady to livestock. # - (o)(o) #
- I understand that my first girlfriend made off with my user manual. #
- Thank you @lilpyrogirl for that very kind #FF recommendation. #FF her while stocks last! in reply to lilpyrogirl #
- I would quit cold turkey but damn, it tastes so good! #
- This cow looks bull-ey.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-23
Posted: October 23, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- This cow looks bull-ey.
Must be what the equivalent of a mildly bearded young lady to livestock. # - (o)(o) #
- I understand that my first girlfriend made off with my user manual. #
- Thank you @lilpyrogirl for that very kind #FF recommendation. #FF her while stocks last! in reply to lilpyrogirl #
- I would quit cold turkey but damn, it tastes so good! #
- This cow looks bull-ey.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-22
Posted: October 22, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I swear i saw some new tits here on Twitter.
What was that? Sorry! Tweets of the bird kind not the other kind! # - "Should i draw the curtains?"
"Sure, but please don't use permanent marker." # - It has come to a point that i am ready to pay for a fresh supply of sleep. Sleeping sickness, anyone? #
- Well, I just tried hopping into bed.
Long story short, i am in the market for a brand new bed, and a Cross Trainer. # - Playing Lost Boyz and realized why our parents kept yelling out "turn down that blasted music!"
The neighbours just did the same thing. # - Make out with the weather, people, perhaps it shall cease being so frigid. #
- I swear i saw some new tits here on Twitter.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-21
Posted: October 21, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Is this what they refer to as a one town horse show? Somehow does not sound right. #
- Adjusting my tackle. #
- Since insomnia has come parked it's nasty arse truck in my driveway, I am making short work of this entire season of 30 Rock. #
- Is this what they refer to as a one town horse show? #
- That last tweet was funnier in Naivasha. #
- My sleep seems to be broken. #
- “You have Mugabe’s concubines!*”
*Bedbugs # - When you can’t sleep you make a giant mug of coffee, right?
Or is that for when you *can’t* sleep as in not afford to?
Totally making some. # - I have been awake so long i am quite unsure whether all this is a hallucination or it is actually happening.
Then tomorrow is Sunday. # - Blue, purple, whatever, the only difference is just much more magenta or less cyan applied on the substrate. #
- I have always had made up sex but you don’t see me telling about it.
Maybe its the tense, right?
I usually am very tense till fruition. # - I can't believe that you lot are still here! #
- Sometimes I drop my phone just to feel alive. #
- Purple is the colour of love. #
- Jay-Z Liked it so much he put a bun in it. #
- Lady Taxi drivers are awesome. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-21
Posted: October 21, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Is this what they refer to as a one town horse show? Somehow does not sound right. #
- Adjusting my tackle. #
- Since insomnia has come parked it's nasty arse truck in my driveway, I am making short work of this entire season of 30 Rock. #
- Is this what they refer to as a one town horse show? #
- That last tweet was funnier in Naivasha. #
- My sleep seems to be broken. #
- “You have Mugabe’s concubines!*”
*Bedbugs # - When you can’t sleep you make a giant mug of coffee, right?
Or is that for when you *can’t* sleep as in not afford to?
Totally making some. # - I have been awake so long i am quite unsure whether all this is a hallucination or it is actually happening.
Then tomorrow is Sunday. # - Blue, purple, whatever, the only difference is just much more magenta or less cyan applied on the substrate. #
- I have always had made up sex but you don’t see me telling about it.
Maybe its the tense, right?
I usually am very tense till fruition. # - I can't believe that you lot are still here! #
- Sometimes I drop my phone just to feel alive. #
- Purple is the colour of love. #
- Jay-Z Liked it so much he put a bun in it. #
- Lady Taxi drivers are awesome. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-20
Posted: October 20, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- It seems somebody forgot to give the sun its coffee this morning. #
- So which one of you lot is bringing me coffee? #
- I sanitize my phone with UV light by leaving it out in the sun way too long. #
- I took my bike to work today. Via FailBlog [plixi.com] #
- You know you have a problem when you cease going to the local tailor for clothes and visit the nearest tent shop in it's stead. #
- Walking while tweeting and carrying an uncovered coffee mug is proving a sterner task than I am acquainted with.
Cleanup over here! # - My mobile telephone rang just now I picked up my wireless mouse and said hello into it.
Then right after, I used my mobile as a mouse. # - The leading case of accidents on the road. Cyclists. With breasts, in your rear view mirror. Via Hawtness.com [plixi.com] #
- If one more lass brushes her arse on me I am so going to demand I be bought dinner. #
- I have heard of people lighting farts but I am quite sure you could similarly conflagrate this guy's breath. #
- I recently am attending this event more regularly than my movements. #
- This dude on stage is so clueless when the crowd claps to shoo him off the stage he thinks they are cheering him on. That shoe showed him! #
- This is the year nineteen two thousand. If you remember this conflict you are old. #
- I seem to be the odour* magnet this evening. This gentleman must have sneaked in a dead skunk in his copious pockets. *not the Luo name. #
- One foot before the other, don't rush it or you'll trip.
Me crossing a road. # - The right hand is where you wear your bangle. Keep note of this for directions that require this. Steady as she goes… #
- Crow is actually quite delicious.
Must be something to do with this sackful of spices and ghee I used in it's preparation. # - #NowPlaying Zombie by the Cranberries (acoustic) on repeat till either my hard disk burns out or I am murdered by my housemate. #
- I am taking bets. Wait. No. All bets are off. iTunes crashed before any of that happened. I am loving today absolutely. #
- I thought should only come for sex. Boy, was I mistaken! #
- Busy redifining upset stomach. No one get between me and the loo! Lulu skip to my Lou, skip to my Lou my darling. #
- You who have been waiting to kick me up the rear come get me now.
You first have to get past this AK though. # - It's hard to stay fucking sane. If it's not the neighbors cock crowing it's the neighborhood kids screaming, or the cars. Shut the fuck up! #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-19
Posted: October 19, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Hey! Do i look like a fucking idiot?
Don't answer that. # - Monday is awesome, its just that people are often unprepared for it when it pops round for some tea and crumpets. #
- There is nothing funnier than watching someone light their emissions then proceed to catch fire, fire fire pants on fire! #
- "It's 2010, who smokes?" #Dexter #
- I knew that computers would take over the world when they started eating Data Packets and hoarding Cookies in their Internet Browsers. #
- If the rich copulate in the manner they present to the public with a stick up their rear then I want me a ghetto girl.
Wait, stick, rear? # - You know when you see a silly search suggestion on google?
I am probably the one who started it. # - The way to a man's heart is by taking care of his progeny & also not firing the help. It helps to be pretty.
Mad Men is good life lessons. # - You are hip and connected, or is it; you have hips that are connected? #
- When i see you lot tweeting, i imagine what you would be doing as you did so as pertains to poses, accents, pitch, level of nudity et al. #
- I would tweet more about my life, this is assuming i had one, as evidently… #
- Look what i ran into a moment ago [bit.ly] YouTube video from @xyzshow Not sure a news item should be so funny. #
- Hey! Do i look like a fucking idiot?
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-19
Posted: October 19, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Hey! Do i look like a fucking idiot?
Don't answer that. # - Monday is awesome, its just that people are often unprepared for it when it pops round for some tea and crumpets. #
- There is nothing funnier than watching someone light their emissions then proceed to catch fire, fire fire pants on fire! #
- "It's 2010, who smokes?" #Dexter #
- I knew that computers would take over the world when they started eating Data Packets and hoarding Cookies in their Internet Browsers. #
- If the rich copulate in the manner they present to the public with a stick up their rear then I want me a ghetto girl.
Wait, stick, rear? # - You know when you see a silly search suggestion on google?
I am probably the one who started it. # - The way to a man's heart is by taking care of his progeny & also not firing the help. It helps to be pretty.
Mad Men is good life lessons. # - You are hip and connected, or is it; you have hips that are connected? #
- When i see you lot tweeting, i imagine what you would be doing as you did so as pertains to poses, accents, pitch, level of nudity et al. #
- I would tweet more about my life, this is assuming i had one, as evidently… #
- Look what i ran into a moment ago [bit.ly] YouTube video from @xyzshow Not sure a news item should be so funny. #
- Hey! Do i look like a fucking idiot?
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-18
Posted: October 18, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- The way to a mans heart is through his tummy, all i ask is that you musn't puncture said while you are in there rummaging about for it. #
- #NowPlaying Stay Young – Don Williams. You so have to dance to this song! #mzeeniwewe #
- I actually dreamt about Twitter last night, now the cycle is complete.
I have, even with my best protestations, been assimilated. # - I don't know the song but love love love this Rachel. #tpf4 #
- Now this clown who totally mangled a nameless song? #tpf4 learn the fucking song! #
- Amileena. No no no. I love this song but aii! Versatile voice. Wait, thunder thighs. Ahem! #tpf4 #
- What the problem is? #
- Wait, but I *AM* a rocket scientist! #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-17
Posted: October 17, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Pie Charts make me hungry, Bar Charts make me thirsty, any guesses as to what Line Charts make me feel?
I know, I'm sorry. # - Kama wewe ni fundi na uko Viwandani mawask na umeshika Nyundo kila kitu hufanana na kabati inayodai kugongwa na ile ile Nyundo. #
- The best conversations are those one where no one speaks. #
- Nutrition is getting way too serious for me.
Apparently I have to question my food before I can eat it, something to do with cholesterol. # - I had a panic room installed; with all the panic attacks i have it was the wise choice. #
- I have had a very fertile imagination ever since I fell over it with a sack of fertilizer. #
- Pie Charts make me hungry, Bar Charts make me thirsty, any guesses as to what Line Charts make me feel?
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-16
Posted: October 16, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- #NowPlaying Antonio Vivaldi – The Four Seasons and Violin Concertos. You wish you were here with me right now. #
- Blind and Blond are only an 'i' and an 'o' apart, this is rather disturbing. #
- There was this time i tried to kill myself with suicide doors, but they did not work as advertised, it was just a terrible pain in the neck. #
- Guess what's 'coming'… [plixi.com] #
- Meanwhile i am computing how much horsepower it takes to haul that arse. [plixi.com] #
- In reference to the two finger bill board i posted someplace, should someone apply within? #
- If you find yourself alone tonight you probably aren't leveraging your social network in the right manner.
Try holding it *properly*. # - The hardest part about having a significant other is keeping them from introducing your porn stash to the recycle bin. #
- I would start screaming out that it was totally unfair but it would lead to me telling why I was upset & I don't think that is a good idea. #
- Meanwhile the sun better stay away if it knows what is good for it since I will totally take it out in a drive by, with this AK47. #
- *Cocks gun.*
Not like that you fucking perverts, I even have trousers on this time! # - "Sir, did you notice the speed limit sign back there? The limit is a set 50."
"I am so sorry officer, i was going so fast past it I saw 80!" # - Someone is angling to get their arse thrown right through this fucking window. They better hope that there is someone out there to land on. #
- Don't ever look a gift horse in the mouth, any horse for that matter, they burp and it smells far worse than anything you can ever imagine. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-15
Posted: October 15, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Slothnod is down! Someone go find him and pick him off the crevice he is stuck in.
Wait.
Seems to have gotten himself unstuck. #asyouwere # - "I am all wet for you darling."
"Its all this rain, I told you you should have carried a brolly." # - Beat it, by Michael Jackson has nothing to do with what you think it is suggesting that you do. Goes either way by the by. #
- Playing photographer is harder than being an actual photographer.
If this one ever catches me with his camera… O my gawd here he comes! # - Does the new BlackBerry® Torch actually have a torch or they are just fucking with me. I need a torch in my phone, hazard of where I live. #
- Slothnod is down! Someone go find him and pick him off the crevice he is stuck in.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-14
Posted: October 14, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Pretty sure there are about 1500 people following me on here but they are being eerily silent, i hardly can tell that they are behind me. #
- Na kutoka kwa Bibilia Husema Studios huyu ni wenu…. #
- When someone next to me picks their mobile to take a call, I reply absentmindedly to all their questions just to fuck with them. #
- My doctor tells me I need to watch what i eat; so far i have been observing this rooster for an hour and I deem it healthy enough to eat. #
- I should stop walking out of Movie Theaters in slow motion. It confuses everyone and they can't help but feel like they are super fast. #
- This is where corn comes to die!
Well, after it is harvested, packed, popped then put in a carton for me to eat, with my mouth. # - Dropping your iPhone in the middle of a dirty DM sending it accidentally before you are done composing is the new premature ejaculation. #
- When musicians at concerts exhort people to throw their hands up in the air, I worry about is the clean up. There will be hands everywhere! #
- I was wondering why I don't sleep more, I was just reminded by the most horrific nightmare I have had in ages. Anyone got a brain to spare? #
- They are no longer strangers after they introduce themselves right? So no, never had sex with a stranger. Wait, oh crap! #
- Oh go fucking eat crow! I yell at the crows cawing outside my window. I wonder if they are cannibals. #
- Standing in line with these mythical creatures & I do notice quite a rankness in the air that might be them having been poorly refrigerated. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-13
Posted: October 13, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- These Axe hair hair care ads are getting such that I shall Axe murder anyone who uses Axe products, they had better aks somebody! #
- And you say that you didn't see me coming?
I called you and everything! # - I like my wood highly polished.
Like this coffee table for instance. # - On Instant Messenger, when someone replies 'LOL' to a retort which required a similarly voiced reply, is it unkind to block them? #
- Communing with myself. #
- I propose to have the indicator switch installed by the left foot, many drivers are too busy picking their noses to use the standard one. #
- These Chilean miners show Survivor how to do a reality show. #
- Oh no, not Wednesday again! I am still sore from the last hump day. #
- I am not asking you about your breakfast so please don't tell me about it. Is this how this don't ask don't tell thing works? That's stupid! #
- If it weren't for pedigree dogs who no longer understand what raw meat is for, Lady GaGa would not have made it to the awards 'clothed'. #
- Twitter is quite harmless as a main course. When you try and chips every #
- Twitter is quite harmless as a main course. When you try and chips every hot spice in here is when things get quite interesting. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-12
Posted: October 12, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Eating pussy, why would i ever want to in the first place? You would have to kill the cat and cook it somehow first, right? #
- I don't hang out with shady people, i prefer the bright ones, the ones who do not cast shadows. #
- I don't hang out with shady people, i prefer the bright ones, the ones who do not cast shadows. #
- That is the last time i am riding that bus, I asked the cute lady driving it if she could get me off and she punched me in the nose instead. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-11
Posted: October 11, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Oh fetus not Festus. That what you said makes so much more sense now. #
- Finally getting round to my round of thanking you wonderfully kind people for the #FF recommendations. Follow at own risk. E&OE #
- "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!"
Me counting the pews in Church. # - If more people spent more time on Twitter there would be more peace in the world. #
- What do they call those people who put the tea into the tea bags at the tea factory? #
- Many years too late I finally get to find out why Cocktails get men laid.
Something to do with cock and tail or alcohol, I am uncertain. # - I told you lot #AVitzIsNotACar it is but a disco light holder. Evidence: [bit.ly] Related, anyone got jumper cables? #
- This is how drug habits are acquired; having a dear dear friend in a bad place and you cannot be there for them sucks awfully. #
- I am told that killing people with sharp wit is tantamount to being an accessory to murder. #
- Goodbye Twitter, I may fall asleep, but just for a little while. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-11
Posted: October 11, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Oh fetus not Festus. That what you said makes so much more sense now. #
- Finally getting round to my round of thanking you wonderfully kind people for the #FF recommendations. Follow at own risk. E&OE #
- "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!"
Me counting the pews in Church. # - If more people spent more time on Twitter there would be more peace in the world. #
- What do they call those people who put the tea into the tea bags at the tea factory? #
- Many years too late I finally get to find out why Cocktails get men laid.
Something to do with cock and tail or alcohol, I am uncertain. # - I told you lot #AVitzIsNotACar it is but a disco light holder. Evidence: [bit.ly] Related, anyone got jumper cables? #
- This is how drug habits are acquired; having a dear dear friend in a bad place and you cannot be there for them sucks awfully. #
- I am told that killing people with sharp wit is tantamount to being an accessory to murder. #
- Goodbye Twitter, I may fall asleep, but just for a little while. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-10
Posted: October 10, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Don't you hate it when someone bombards you with DMs right after you follow them back? Unfollowed. It's Not personal, it's just Twitter. #
- #NewTwitter is the next best thing after sliced bread, and that other thing. Apparently. #
- Do y'all make VROOM! VROOM! SQUEEEEL! noises in your head when you are walking around or driving your cars? Just me? Damn! #
- Tailgating is like walking so close to someone that you are able to discern every nuance in their gaseous extractions. #
- I fucking hate getting colds. This is some ducked up shot. #
- Oh and duck iPhone autocorrect and it's consistent inconsistency. #
- As promised I am going to work tomorrow, which is a Sunday, those who wish their fortunes about working on Sundays told should queue up now. #
- Singing along to Take My Breath Away hoping that someone actually will. I have this oxygen tank just lying here unused. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-09
Posted: October 9, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I am sorry ma'am, boobs & books are only one letter apart hence I can't understand why you are taking particular offense with my statement. #
- Loving #NewTwitter so far, @twitter needs to clean up the back end, and handling of the DM conversations, they freeze way too much. #
- The #NewTwitter typefaces and layout do meet with my approval @twitter, i will spend more time on Web.
You lot move slightly to the right. # - #NowPlaying All the Above (Remix) – Maino(a) feat. T-Pain #
- I can't believe that I was a one tweet wonder, what do i look like? A fucking boy band?
No, don't answer that. # - Did I tell you guys about that young lass who while flirting with me tossed her hair and her weave fell out the window? #MAWe #
- Do these moobs make me look sexy? #
- I am glowing? Why thank you, probably should have showered after visiting that Nuclear Power Station last week. #
- Hoodies can be worn over your head or can be found unshorn around your middle bits. #
- I talk to myself all day, it's just that I do it on Twitter so no one notices. #
- Cow Catchers must be awfully strong and sturdy lads! #
- An iPhone floats in apple juice. Really. You can quote me on that. #
- You know the economy is in the toilet when you have to mug yourself to make ends meet. #
- My barber now charges me extra as hardship allowance since he has to hunt for my hair before he can trim it. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-09
Posted: October 9, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I am sorry ma'am, boobs & books are only one letter apart hence I can't understand why you are taking particular offense with my statement. #
- Loving #NewTwitter so far, @twitter needs to clean up the back end, and handling of the DM conversations, they freeze way too much. #
- The #NewTwitter typefaces and layout do meet with my approval @twitter, i will spend more time on Web.
You lot move slightly to the right. # - #NowPlaying All the Above (Remix) – Maino(a) feat. T-Pain #
- I can't believe that I was a one tweet wonder, what do i look like? A fucking boy band?
No, don't answer that. # - Did I tell you guys about that young lass who while flirting with me tossed her hair and her weave fell out the window? #MAWe #
- Do these moobs make me look sexy? #
- I am glowing? Why thank you, probably should have showered after visiting that Nuclear Power Station last week. #
- Hoodies can be worn over your head or can be found unshorn around your middle bits. #
- I talk to myself all day, it's just that I do it on Twitter so no one notices. #
- Cow Catchers must be awfully strong and sturdy lads! #
- An iPhone floats in apple juice. Really. You can quote me on that. #
- You know the economy is in the toilet when you have to mug yourself to make ends meet. #
- My barber now charges me extra as hardship allowance since he has to hunt for my hair before he can trim it. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-08
Posted: October 8, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Life sucks, I can't seem to get my mitts on head or tail. #
- Son, don't hurt yourself trying, no one can be as funny as I. #
- Reason one that I should not own a mobile telephone.
I am so frightened of it so much so that I broke mine when it rang and I dropped it. # - If I wasn't so full of myself I would be full of shit, which would be worse. #
- #NowPlaying Why – Roger Whittaker #
- All these Supercars catching fire is taking this hottest car thing all too literally for my comfort. What if mine follows suit? #
- #NowPlaying Quel Monde Merveilleux – Roger Whittaker. #
- Let\'s see how this works. #
- In defiance to Lady GaGa's efforts at liberating dead animals I quaffed down an entire cow, some of a swine and part of a goat for supper. #
- As of an hour ago i got #NewTwitter
Thanks to my slow connection it is still loading the homepage. # - I want to become a wrap artist like this guy @50cent I keep hearing about. I will call myself @50shillings.
Hopefully no one will shoot me. # - My inner child is cold and currently curled up in the fetal position. #
- So my tummy is making some seriously strange sounds, perhaps i should go feed it some coffee and toast. Feel free to come join me. #
- For the second morning in a row, i woke up thinking it was Saturday. I suspect that i shall wake up and go to work this Sunday. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-07
Posted: October 7, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Today looks like one of those days a pair of really tight speedos shall be called into service. Pop up blocking is becoming quite the task. #
- Today i came out in my Steam roller.
Step out of line and i will fucking flatten you. # - Moist to wet & warm with a chance of showers in the late evening. Poor puns were the main reason I was thrown out of Meteorological College. #
- Jack and Joe went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.. wait, that is not right. #
- I like it on the; kitchen counter, bed, dining table, patio, my car, at the café and sometimes at work.
This is how i like my coffee. # - Oops! I think I just accidentally DMed my BB PIN to Kanye West. Anyone looking for a free BlackBerry? Wait, I can block him. Crisis averted. #
- When we are all in hell chilling around Lucifer, will he use those mass oven things like for pizza or is he partial to open flame barbecue? #
- Today I am playing the part of "crazy lady at the back." #
- Quite grouchy since my morning routine was sufficiently upset by my sister this morning. I apologize in advance for shit I shall spew today. #
- New twitter is still a fucking rumour. #
- Looks like a fine morning to start a new bad habit. #
- I shall go sit in the time out corner now and probably touch myself inappropriately. #
- Apparently groucho has scared those who were DMing him a second ago too.
Win.
Now settling into episodes of My Family.
TTYL. # - Oh I am in *fine* form today. You should see the emails I am shooting off to clients, makes me wonder why they let me work here anymore. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-06
Posted: October 6, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- “fastest piece of furniture” set for a full dinner, was driven down a 500m track at 113mph! [plixi.com] #
- And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche #
- If you are wondering where all the good women went, you might want to take a look at this Danger Akuku dude who was married to 100 of them. #
- Isn't this the coolest decal in car history? [twitpic.com]
It is vastly important to keep score. #
- What?
New Twitter?
Good golly gosh no! I fear you are suffering under a major misapprehension, there is no such thing! #
- It's raining so hard here a snorkel would be more useful than a brolly. #
- Emmanuel Kala @bytebandit Joins Ushahidi! [bit.ly] CONGRAMATULATIONS! Thanks @afromusing #
- There's more than one way to skin a Bobcat. [bit.ly] (Video) #
- I am offering a free Breast Exam with each round of rogering for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Ladies? #
- I have selected 'block pop up ads' on my tv but these ads still keep showing up. Must be a virus. Terrestrial tv sucks. #
- My next task, if I may be permitted to, is change my name to TheRealInteligensia to rank in my new celebrity status. We all are doing it. #
- Words like memsahib do not belong in sentences I construct, much like I do not live in the 1600s. They did not have twitter in that time. #
- Its just like @twitter is mocking me. I get onto the Home Page see the #NewTwitter log into my account and it vanishes. Woe betides me. #
- I would touch you but even *I* have no clue where my hands have been. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-05
Posted: October 5, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I want #NewTwitter *pout* #
- I think that i can now certify this painting as well hung. #
- Your afternoon Lols. Yes, thank me profusely, later, laugh now. [plixi.com] #
- Ok, ok, just one more yeah? I have recently installed an air bag in my car. Safety is paramount. [plixi.com] #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-04
Posted: October 4, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Getting out of the countryside and heading back to the big city. I hope city folk will have us back. I brought a few farm animals along. #
- Would these people move their asses?
Traffic would move much quicker if we did not have to wade through donkeys to get to the city. # - I like this house. High ceilings, enough room to swing a couple of fully grown, loud and prissy cats, without much of them hitting anything. #
- Are we repeating this episode #tpf4 #
- They found the right cassette. Looking out for @bazanye auditioning. #
- Bring on the hot Ugandan women already. #tpf4 #
- Amazing that what we would have considered earth shattering conundrums ten years ago now are just mere meh moments. #
- I hear while I had been rendered incapacitated by pain drugs @roomthinker took #tpf4 #chukifm to another level. #
- Congramatulations @saramitaru and @jusblackman on the birthmation of Maya a future prolific twitterer. in reply to saramitaru #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-03
Posted: October 3, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Putting a Land Rover Defender 110 through it's paces out in the bundus. I am more than impressed. #
- My uncle is a much better driver than I. Driving very briskly but I can have a nice cup of tea on this very rough track. #
- I like this house. High ceilings, enough room to swing a couple of fully grown, loud and prissy too, without much of them hitting anything. #
- Who has a fucking pellet gun? These birds 'singing' just woke me. The countryside is no fun. #
- I am all about bandwagons. I avoid climbing onto them at all costs. Bands are noisy. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-02
Posted: October 2, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Today for the love of God, don't Retweet #FF mentioning you, i would consider you a spammer & i assure you that you would rather i wouldn't. #
- I just had egg curry for lunch, in copious amounts.
Exhaust fans & loads of air freshener strongly recommended for hosts to prevent fires. # - Star it already, it is not a fucking avocado to be fondled and squeezed to check for ripeness! #
- Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Also trousers. Go get the manager. # - #NowPlaying Alors On Danse – Stromae #
- I often wonder why books need Jackets.
It's not like they will get cold or need to appear at a formal engagement. #
- How do you tell a Rhino is horny?
You look at its head; yep, there – horny. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-10-01
Posted: October 1, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Come to think of it, Archery would be more fun if someone popped out from behind the targets at random times and shot at the archers. #
- It seems i am the only one who can sit and watch those [www.home.co.ke] traffic cameras all day. And no, i haven't tabbed all of them. #
- My superpower is waking up at 6 am. Not sure how useful it is but it sure will put a Chinese alarm making factory out of business. Someday. #
- I know, I fucking promised but I call bullshit. #
- Don't drive stupid. #
- Anyone found a pause button for babies yet? #
- Does this #oldtwitter make me look like i am stuck in 2006? #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-30
Posted: September 30, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- You know your day has peaked when you find yourself trying to plug the iPhone end of the USB cable into the back of your iMac. #
- Worse is when you pick up a call and hold said phone wrong way up and proceed to exhort your caller to *speak up.* #
- Even after much complaining and this tweet, i am unhappy to report that i still do not have this New Twitter. [bit.ly] #
- Is it just me or is my circle of comics the last to be issued New Twitter.
I wish to assure @Twitter that we are smarter than we appear. # - Me? Nothing. Just killing a spider in my car in traffic. Screaming… Sorry scaring it with war cries like a Ninja.
Oh the indignity! # - Move it along, nothing to see here. #
- I should probably not be using this brand new smartphone my significant other bought me yesterday. [www.juju.co.ke] #
- Phone for sale. Brand new. Might come pre-installed with juju.co.ke software. That is offered free, license free. #
- Just had a lovely evening with an equally lovely lady and no one attacked me with a club so I would call it a success. #
- I think there is something in my closet, i am too afraid to go look in there and find out what it is.
It might want to *come out*. # - When I see so many favs and my tweet makes it quickly onto the NSFW leaderboard I suspect that I shall be getting invoices in my DM. #
- Listening to 'Eye of the Tiger' should be illegal.
An attempt to dance to it will warrant being dispatched with a pistol grip shotgun. # - Ever since I joined Twitter I haven't looked at the Canadian *Mounted* Police quite the same way again. #
- Strange that muffin tops discourage persons who would otherwise heartily eat your muffin. #
- Give me a minute while I spam everyone I know on safaricom with meaningless texts. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-29
Posted: September 29, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Wait, so if i want to use this BlackBerry PlayBook without a WiFi network i have to buy a BB, pay for BIS then pair via Bluetooth? No. #
- PlayBook(s) for PlayMate(s). #
- On my 'To Do' list today is 'to do a To Do list.' #
- I am beginning to suspect that i am the only one who still hasn't got this 'New Twitter' y'all are complaining about.
Is it an STD? # - I am special, how else do you explain things like running out of stars? #
- I always tuck my trousers into my socks before getting getting into the driver's seat.
What do you mean this is not like a bicycle? # - How many 'Favourites' does @Twitter allow per day?
Whatever the number is it seems i exceed them every day. # - Let's go driving. [twitgoo.com] #
- Mona is a Ninja. Idiot Platz driver almost drives off Valley Road we braked for stupid cop crossing while said was tailgating. #mzeeniwewe #
- At @antoneosoul 's gig With Paragasha Band at Club Soundd. @fivefoottall on the mic soulfying the hell out of the place. #
- My iPhone autocorrects Dec. to sex. Has it been that long, iPhone? #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-28
Posted: September 28, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I fear that New Twitter shall call when she is already past her prime, saggy bits & all then i will no longer want to make out anymore. #
- #MusicMonday American Anthems 3 CD collection. Gems like Drive – by The Cars. [bit.ly] (You Tube) #
- Don't ever say 'bite me' to a Vampire. Those guys do not have a sense of humour.
Unrelated: OW! # - Wedding Bands have nothing to do with those fellows who you hire to come sing at your wedding. Who knew! #
- Say what now?
Oh, he is *named* Cockrin?
I thought you had said something entirely different. # - Now look, i was about to suggest a prank involving posting 'on mouseover' meme Tweets just so as to fuck with people then i chickened out. #
- Being passive aggressive is so a talent. #
- Wow! Dude just got clocked with a walking stick! "what do you say?" "yes sir." #
- If Zain or Airtel Bharti don't stop with their fuckery with my Internet connection I may be obliged to show them a close up of their colon. #
- Some grow older, some wiser, this one just gets crazier. Happy new year @Kahenya. May you grow horns or something related, you are a gem. #
- #NowPlaying Wherever you will go – The Calling.
If i could then i would, i would go wherever you will go…. *and you know i will* #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-27
Posted: September 27, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- The trousers are off.
Now, where is this Sunday evening i give it a proper seeing to? # - Why Black Market? That I fear is entirely racist! #
- Where can I get the unedited audition tapes for Nairobi? #tpf4 #
- I am suing! That one just broke my glass. #tpf4 #
- Facepalm @makmende. #tpf4 #
- Someone please stomp on this one for me please. #tpf4 #
- Oh @ianmbugua making out with a contestant on stage. #tpf4 #
- What the hell? This 50 cent wanna be. #tpf4 #
- Someone give Rihanna here a pole. I have a 50 bob for her. #tpf4 #
- Lady in green for president! #tpf4 #
- The Ugandans entertain us next weekend. See you all here. @bazanye did you go audition? #
- You #tpf4 #chukiFM lot were in great form tonight. I expect you all here next week to put lols in my my chest and stuffs. #
- I am not a morning person, then again I am not much for days or nights either. #
- Again with the noses, I am quite concerned about yours since it always seems to be running and leaving all the smelling to the feet. #
- Today is one of those days you pick up your mobile when it rings and ask your caller, "how did you know that I would be here?" #
- I thought I would let Dexter fans know that he is back for Season 5. Or that Season 5 is back in season. Or something. #
- I applaud the indefatigability of those who, even with better judgement, still continue to follow me on Twitter, worse yet, Retweet me. #
- 1. Coffee. My assistant bested me this morning on a task i usually beat her at, hands down.
2. Learning how to relax at work; tense is bad. #
- The trousers are off.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-26
Posted: September 26, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Elmo you little dawg you! I look away for one minute and you sliding up to Katy Perry in out, up and down? I am not ready for grandchildren! #
- I have the Hot Summer Hits 2010 CD set in my hands.
My neighbours will have moved out by Monday. # - When I refer to 'burning rubber' I might be referring more to using the prophylactic kind than wearing out tyres on a car. #
- I can't help but help think that those fellows who adore wearing ties secretly subscribe to autoerotic asphyxia. #
- My carpet caught on fire, is this what they call 'rug burn'? #
- I just sniffed my phone.
I think it is about time I put it down and went outside for some fresh air. # - *crickets* #
- If wishes were horses it would be prohibitive to wish.
Where would I keep all those horses and what would I feed them? Hopes and dreams? #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-25
Posted: September 25, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Snooki is not Sookie. Different people entirely. #
- Ai! @Locococomoco #FF you are way too kind. We have mutton though, for calling me special in quotes. in reply to Locococomoco #
- My friend @TeriWanderi two recommendations for #FF Thank you, you are the kindest person I know. in reply to TeriWanderi #
- The people joining Twitter now would be sad to note that they missed the old twitter, which is what I have, I was going somewhere with this. #
- If you lot could see the lists i put you in, what?
See how paranoid y'all have become already?
And no, i am not telling. # - I might get shot for this but i liked the pilot for Shit my Dad Says. Not laugh out loud shit but good nonetheless. Will carries it well. #
- All that is missing from this traffic is my picnic basket. And my blankie. #
- I propose industrial area be named a Hardship Area. #
- Bus next to me. The Sign on the side says "Plasma inside" wondering if it's blood plasma or the TV kind. [plixi.com] #
- I need to give my sleep cycle a stern talking to.
I find that being up at 6 am on a Saturday morning quite unacceptable. # - I am Assembling a Pre-fabricated baby crib.
The instructions say nothing of where the moat goes & i think one of the crocodiles is loose. # - I found the offending croc licking his lips in the kitchen but now I can't find the babysitter.
I no longer need her since I have a crib. # - So many of my shows are in season right now and as such I am canceling all social appearances till such a time that they will have ended. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-25
Posted: September 25, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Snooki is not Sookie. Different people entirely. #
- Ai! @Locococomoco #FF you are way too kind. We have mutton though, for calling me special in quotes. in reply to Locococomoco #
- My friend @TeriWanderi two recommendations for #FF Thank you, you are the kindest person I know. in reply to TeriWanderi #
- The people joining Twitter now would be sad to note that they missed the old twitter, which is what I have, I was going somewhere with this. #
- If you lot could see the lists i put you in, what?
See how paranoid y'all have become already?
And no, i am not telling. # - I might get shot for this but i liked the pilot for Shit my Dad Says. Not laugh out loud shit but good nonetheless. Will carries it well. #
- All that is missing from this traffic is my picnic basket. And my blankie. #
- I propose industrial area be named a Hardship Area. #
- Bus next to me. The Sign on the side says "Plasma inside" wondering if it's blood plasma or the TV kind. [plixi.com] #
- I need to give my sleep cycle a stern talking to.
I find that being up at 6 am on a Saturday morning quite unacceptable. # - I am Assembling a Pre-fabricated baby crib.
The instructions say nothing of where the moat goes & i think one of the crocodiles is loose. # - I found the offending croc licking his lips in the kitchen but now I can't find the babysitter.
I no longer need her since I have a crib. # - So many of my shows are in season right now and as such I am canceling all social appearances till such a time that they will have ended. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-24
Posted: September 24, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I would ask you to the dark recesses of my mind but you would bring torches and the flames would cause a fire and that would be unpleasant. #
- Right. I have tons of work but I will log onto twitter instead to complain quite loudly and long about it like the rest of you lot. #
- Fans of Modern Family, Season 2 is on the air. Or somewhere on the Internet at least. #
- I just hurt my gums wolfing down my lunch, worst part is I do not know how since it is entirely vegetarian.
Wait, where are my car keys? # - Cougar Town Season two is also out there in the wind. #
- I now have gum ache. I win at life. #
- Sonko. The original bling bling. #
- Miss Piggy is looking mighty good right about now. I wonder if Kermit will object. #
- I don't care what you lot say, I am totally making out inappropriately with Friday. #
- Dude @Conasabi thank you awesomely for that kind #FF recommendation. If you were a chick I would totally make out with you. in reply to Conasabi #
- Mike, thank you @MikeSchism for the #FF recommendation. They will come for you with fire and brimstone. That shit is painful! in reply to MikeSchism #
- Is it just me or does it seem that all Vampires have a British accent. #
- Will i be the last to get this New Twitter? If so i don't want it!
Please send it now? Please? Promise to tweet less stupidly if you do. #
- Trying to Salsa dance to Hidden Beach Recording's rendition of Who Do You Love, more difficult than you would imagine. I am all left feet. #
- I will be much funnier on New Twitter, if I get it that is, Scout's honour.
Too bad I was never a scout, 'roughing it' was never my style. #
- How many silly Tweets do I have to do about the New Twitter before @Ev sees it fit to outfit me with it?
Or shut me up?
*Sent from Web. #
- If you give it me i give it you coz that is what you want…. Hidden Beach Recordings playing my office this morning. #NowPlaying #
- Is this a notification?
Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!
*SMACK!*
Bloody Fruit Fly! #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-23
Posted: September 23, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Boy, do i love breasts!
Chicken breast sandwiches mostly, i am not a cannibal. # - I JUST SAW A "RED CALL" ON MY IPHONE!
WAIT.
It's just a missed call. # - These are the people i should hug, or kiss and fondle since they use the non edited Retweet for context and record. [bit.ly] #
- Now if only i could convince them to *Favourite* my tweets that they find funny safely into their favourites here: [bit.ly] #
- I have pins and needles, in my foot.
It would be fine, if i was a tailor, now? Not so much. # - I had this amazing chicken curry for lunch.
I thought you should know this since you will understand why my house caught fire later today. # - I have been humping Wednesday for a while now and either i am doing this wrong or perhaps she is just ignoring me. Should my trousers be on? #
- Back in my day, social networking involved a half naked man running across hills and valleys carrying a letter impaled on a stick. #
- Boy, do i love breasts!
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-23
Posted: September 23, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Boy, do i love breasts!
Chicken breast sandwiches mostly, i am not a cannibal. # - I JUST SAW A "RED CALL" ON MY IPHONE!
WAIT.
It's just a missed call. # - These are the people i should hug, or kiss and fondle since they use the non edited Retweet for context and record. [bit.ly] #
- Now if only i could convince them to *Favourite* my tweets that they find funny safely into their favourites here: [bit.ly] #
- I have pins and needles, in my foot.
It would be fine, if i was a tailor, now? Not so much. # - I had this amazing chicken curry for lunch.
I thought you should know this since you will understand why my house caught fire later today. # - I have been humping Wednesday for a while now and either i am doing this wrong or perhaps she is just ignoring me. Should my trousers be on? #
- Back in my day, social networking involved a half naked man running across hills and valleys carrying a letter impaled on a stick. #
- Boy, do i love breasts!
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-22
Posted: September 22, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- When my subscription to @Favstar extra features expires i am not renewing it. The target has been moved so much i am too dizzy to bother. #
- I am so light headed right now that my voice sounds like i am on Helium. #
- If you pick up a Vitz and hold it up to your ear you can hear the screams of those trapped inside it. #AVitzIsNotACar #
- I have been watching this Ken Block video so much i think i broke it. Now if only i could drive half as well as he can. [bit.ly] #
- Here is some more Ken Block scaring James May of BBC Top Gear all over, under, round and next to an Airfield. [bit.ly] #
- Major bug on the web version of Old Twitter. Use a client for a while instead. #
- I am so fucking eloquent and shit. #
- It's all fun and games with morning wood till someone picks up an axe. #
- Totally super that Twitter have fixed the "mouse over" bug so rapidly. I hope they are currently working on the "hi and good morning" Bug. #
- Oxymoron: n. twitter wit. #
- There seems to be an inordinate number of morning people. I might need help.
Mostly space to hide the bodies. # - This is the best reason to Buff out an old Diesel E-Class Merc. [bit.ly] via ThatWillBuffOut (Youtube Video) #
- Now this is how to drive to work. See those poor sods over on the left lane? That is you. [bit.ly] via ThatWillBuffOut/YouTube #
- That is totally my new morning video. They are my heroes yaani. #
- Extremely thankful for very kind people who keep me company all day, tugging at my leash to keep me sane. Or giving me drugs. #
- Boggles the mind that there is a gospel show named Morning Glory & is televised during such hours as such an activity might be taking place. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-22
Posted: September 22, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- When my subscription to @Favstar extra features expires i am not renewing it. The target has been moved so much i am too dizzy to bother. #
- I am so light headed right now that my voice sounds like i am on Helium. #
- If you pick up a Vitz and hold it up to your ear you can hear the screams of those trapped inside it. #AVitzIsNotACar #
- I have been watching this Ken Block video so much i think i broke it. Now if only i could drive half as well as he can. [bit.ly] #
- Here is some more Ken Block scaring James May of BBC Top Gear all over, under, round and next to an Airfield. [bit.ly] #
- Major bug on the web version of Old Twitter. Use a client for a while instead. #
- I am so fucking eloquent and shit. #
- It's all fun and games with morning wood till someone picks up an axe. #
- Totally super that Twitter have fixed the "mouse over" bug so rapidly. I hope they are currently working on the "hi and good morning" Bug. #
- Oxymoron: n. twitter wit. #
- There seems to be an inordinate number of morning people. I might need help.
Mostly space to hide the bodies. # - This is the best reason to Buff out an old Diesel E-Class Merc. [bit.ly] via ThatWillBuffOut (Youtube Video) #
- Now this is how to drive to work. See those poor sods over on the left lane? That is you. [bit.ly] via ThatWillBuffOut/YouTube #
- That is totally my new morning video. They are my heroes yaani. #
- Extremely thankful for very kind people who keep me company all day, tugging at my leash to keep me sane. Or giving me drugs. #
- Boggles the mind that there is a gospel show named Morning Glory & is televised during such hours as such an activity might be taking place. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-21
Posted: September 21, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Mazee zain, your Internet was slow but stable. This on, off, left, right, sideways maneno is beyond sensible. Get your act together! #
- This is a pretty good #TEDxNairobi recap by the eminent @Chiira [bit.ly] . cc @TEDxNairobi #
- Kudos Google! Here is to vastly superior email security. [bit.ly] Via @TechCrunch #
- Fine Chinese in the Federation. via somuchpun.com [plixi.com] #
- You are encouraged to be yourself by all means possible.
The Police tend to arrest people for impersonation. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-20
Posted: September 20, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Busy hauling ass.
Donkeys are very heavy and quite stubborn too. # - #nowplaying The Truth – Anthony Hamilton #
- The comedians from Nairobi who are on twitter and went for the auditions should show themselves now before we out them #tpf4 #
- "…but you are a Medium, you are telling my fortune!"
"Shut your mouth, I am hardly a size 1!" # - #TEDxNairobi photos [bit.ly] via @zulusafari #
- This is a pretty good #TEDxNairobi recap by the eminent @Chiira. cc @TEDxNairobi #
- Busy hauling ass.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-19
Posted: September 19, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Visiting the National Museum. I know! Here the exhibits are nude, how now? #
- Yvonne Awuor – Caine Prize winner infotaining at #TEDxNairobi #
- The dance that has just been announced at #tedxnairobi does not feature me, sadly. #
- Well, they are really really good but I can still show them a few dance moves.
Really bad bad ones though. #tedxnairobi # - The construction going on outside the hall shaking the hell out of me. #TEDxNairobi #
- Golly! This NSFW section is making equals out of us all pion and scion alike. #
- We are getting free vibrate massages courtesy of the ongoing road construction. #tedxnairobi #
- Our future is so bright we need sunglasses. – Ceasar Mwangi of Sasini #tedxnairobi #
- Guess who is here. [yfrog.com] #
- Oh indeed! I will later hear what she is saying. #TEDxNairobi #
- I met many totally awesome people at #TEDxNairobi that I was overwhelmed. You are all so kind. Do have a good night now, one and all. #
- Pleasure all mine. You were so kind to have me. @whiteafrican @Wanyama @bankelele @Majiwater @mkaigwa @Afromusing @Intelligensia @Rombokins in reply to whiteafrican #
- Speaking of chain mail, which is unrelated to the chain mail from the middle ages, both entirely different in meaning & context… #
- You heard it from the horse's mouth; any touch will be deemed appropriate.
I, not the horse said this, just in case he got more action. # - Forget talking about the elephant in the room, I suspect the bigger problem would be how to get it out without losing the security deposit. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-18
Posted: September 18, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- The soundtrack to my day; i shall play it till you lot stab me to death with a pin. [bit.ly] #
- Try as i might i find that i am following people who i opted not to thanks to non proprietary RTs.
BRB, i have a bridge to go jump off of. # - #FF @fivefoottall @MissCixx y'all amazing, thanks, hugs to you, and go take a shower already, its mid morning for fucks sake! tihihii! in reply to fivefoottall #
- That email has left me feeling like those days I used to be called into the Headmaster's office in primary school! #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-17
Posted: September 17, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- So these are the *Star Wars* on Favstar i keep hearing about… #
- In the olden days if you wished to shuffle songs you actually had to pick up the band… all this uphill both ways, in the rain, mud & snow. #
- These Almond stuffed Dates taste just like Cockroaches. Thank me later. #
- It is untrue that I live under a dollar a day.
It is hardly big enough to provide shelter for my head.
& I never use the same bill twice. # - "pitching a tent" #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-17
Posted: September 17, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- So these are the *Star Wars* on Favstar i keep hearing about… #
- In the olden days if you wished to shuffle songs you actually had to pick up the band… all this uphill both ways, in the rain, mud & snow. #
- These Almond stuffed Dates taste just like Cockroaches. Thank me later. #
- It is untrue that I live under a dollar a day.
It is hardly big enough to provide shelter for my head.
& I never use the same bill twice. # - "pitching a tent" #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-17
Posted: September 17, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- So these are the *Star Wars* on Favstar i keep hearing about… #
- In the olden days if you wished to shuffle songs you actually had to pick up the band… all this uphill both ways, in the rain, mud & snow. #
- These Almond stuffed Dates taste just like Cockroaches. Thank me later. #
- It is untrue that I live under a dollar a day.
It is hardly big enough to provide shelter for my head.
& I never use the same bill twice. # - "pitching a tent" #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-16
Posted: September 16, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Twitter loves to hate on FaceBook. FaceBook would totally hate on Twitter if it actually was aware Twitter existed. #
- So I hear this fellow this fellow Paul something from Tech Munch now writes for Favstar on their new section NSFW. #
- Hey, has anyone seen my Shevrolet? via FailBlog [plixi.com] #
- Wait, it tastes like fish?
But I hate fish! # - I usually check, as a precaution, if i am on any twitter lists titled 'Hit List'.
Bodyguards are expensive. # - Now now @safaricomltd [www.safaricom.co.ke] is this *UNLIMITED* internet??!! (this is me being VERY restrained) #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-15
Posted: September 15, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- My long suffering followers, i intend to RT a number of tweets i consider funny.
Please feel free to opt out of them on my Twitter page. # - Thanks for the overwhelming response to adopting my poor BlackBerry -> BeeBee.
the.intelligensia1 at gmail dot com # - I am willing to offer up a bone. Ladies? #
- I am going for a blood test tomorrow. I wonder what topics I should study to prepare for it. #
- Oi! You lot, who hid my breakfast? Own up this instant! #
- Whatever happened to P-Square? I sure hope they did they didn't figure a couple of hits are sufficient to get them laid for life? #
- So we now have our own 'back room' on Favstar? Fucking sweet.
*how I wish twitter allowed HTML so that I could accent sarcastic shit* # - Tihii! For the horribly disfigured, hidden from society. #
- New target, fuck the Leaderboards we aim for the NSFW board! It is also a kind of board, without all the other rules, right? #
- I beg of all y'all.
Could you *please* to use the proprietary Retweets such that i only look at them when i wish to.
Kthxbai. # - Once i am done *liking* the new Twitter i hope they shall have sent it to my homepage.
*fingers, legs, arms, eyes, toes etc crossed* #
- My long suffering followers, i intend to RT a number of tweets i consider funny.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-15
Posted: September 15, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- My long suffering followers, i intend to RT a number of tweets i consider funny.
Please feel free to opt out of them on my Twitter page. # - Thanks for the overwhelming response to adopting my poor BlackBerry -> BeeBee.
the.intelligensia1 at gmail dot com # - I am willing to offer up a bone. Ladies? #
- I am going for a blood test tomorrow. I wonder what topics I should study to prepare for it. #
- Oi! You lot, who hid my breakfast? Own up this instant! #
- Whatever happened to P-Square? I sure hope they did they didn't figure a couple of hits are sufficient to get them laid for life? #
- So we now have our own 'back room' on Favstar? Fucking sweet.
*how I wish twitter allowed HTML so that I could accent sarcastic shit* # - Tihii! For the horribly disfigured, hidden from society. #
- New target, fuck the Leaderboards we aim for the NSFW board! It is also a kind of board, without all the other rules, right? #
- I beg of all y'all.
Could you *please* to use the proprietary Retweets such that i only look at them when i wish to.
Kthxbai. # - Once i am done *liking* the new Twitter i hope they shall have sent it to my homepage.
*fingers, legs, arms, eyes, toes etc crossed* #
- My long suffering followers, i intend to RT a number of tweets i consider funny.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-14
Posted: September 14, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Apple would do well to sell iCan; cans of 'whoop ass' ready to deploy without the malfunctions that plague the more popular brands. #
- Twitter's ReTweets are awesome, have context (date and time) and permanent; plus easy to access from the Web interface [bit.ly]. #
- BlackBerry Storm 2 for sale. A few months old. Original box and accessories unused. In pristine condition. the.intelligensia1 at gmail.com #
- Having one of those evenings when every fucking thing conspires against you illuminating all my CDs being swapped out of my HiFi worse. #
- Case in point, that tweet crashed my iPhone so many times before I switched out from Twitter for iPhone. I should probably sleep now. #
- Hang on a moment while I rehearse my lines.
*sniff!*
As you were. # - BlackBerry Storm 2 seeking new owner.
A few months old. Orig. box and acc. unused.
In pristine condition.
the.intelligensia1 at gmail.com #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-13
Posted: September 13, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Something something Jessica Parker something something horse or ho. I confuse the two too. #
- Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! #MAWE #TPF4 What is that thing on her head? #
- So aside from me gathering heaps of stars i have to get ReTweeted twice before i can clamber onto the @favstar Leaderboards? Sod it to hell! #
- Turning up the brightness on my telly to max! #TPF4 #juba #
- Whoever next shall then use the phrase “slept like a baby” shall fastly be gifted a grafted fork in one of their nearside appendages. #
- Is blind dating where you cover your eyes and touch random stuff and guess when it was bought? #
- Busing that table, in retrospect, on my first and last night as a busboy, did not require me to place it in the path of a speeding bus. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-12
Posted: September 12, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Nothing as scary for a baby such as me breaking out in song. This one forgot that he is not supposed to be speaking yet and told me to stfu. #
- Nachos. That is some hot stuff. More please? #
- Just been reminded of the Ciara video to Promise. That does bring my trouser furniture to stand to order sharpish. #
- Of course I can hit that, if 'that' happens to be my thumb and I am trying to hammer this nail in. OW! #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-11
Posted: September 11, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-10
Posted: September 10, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- You are shadier than a baobab tree in the noonday sun. #
- You rock my world.
This *is* supposed to be a good thing, right?
Why is it I keep stubbing my toe on these rocks you leave strewn about? # - My mind is broken.
How now do I think as I do?
Right.
I am getting *in* there and proceeding to *do* something! # - I would store all my data in the cloud but I do not have storm insurance. #
- We have more of those overlappers. #meating [plixi.com] #
- I would truly like to experience a Clothesline but since I am so tall it usually is more like tripping me over instead. #
- The only bit missing about this lovely evening is a bloody good rogering. #
- If we all actually did *work* at work we would not have to work extra hours and would have a 'life'. #
- Sad that me telling you to "fuck that" proceeded rapidly to you trying to copulate with a parked motor vehicle. #
- Orgasms with a Foxy Brown. Definitely a shortcoming. #
- The new iPhone for Twitter (3.1.1a) is pretty quick, i hope it is not just an impression but a lasting peculiarity. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-09
Posted: September 9, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I wasn't quite pleased with the way my previous avatar looked so i promulgate this brand new 'pimp my avatar' style me 2.0. *cheers* #
- Does playing back all my music at x1.25 speed make me appear less ADHD? #
- Who is collecting #kenyansontwitter census information, where is the slot for tribe & where do i indicate how much livestock/boats i own? #
- And lastly when shall #kenyansontwitter census results shall be announced? In 5 years as is the popular culture? #
- #NowPlaying well attempting the dance at least, and i am pretty good at it if i am honest. Single Ladies – Beyoncé. #
- Kindly do not disturb me; I am busy blowing you up in my head. #
- I have so many Favstar tabs open such that if anyone were to casually glance at my computer they would totally assume i was it's architect. #
- If my alarm clock was a toaster, i would have such crispy hands. #
- If i had an iPad i would write much funnier tweets. #
- I am pretty sure I am not supposed to be in this part of the airport. Wheee! A tractor! #
- What is this burning of quorums I keep hearing about?
What do they have against gatherings of people making decisions? # - Say it with me people. 'You are the best,' not; 'your the best.' *sigh*
I shall grow old quite prematurely. # - What is the capacity of a baby?
Been feeding this one so long and it still isn't full.
Perhaps it's leaking, I should check, right? # - Why are all y'all following me?
Don't you have places to be, restraining orders to observe? # - Nairobi is unacceptably hot. You do know where you can stick your warm weather right?
Ironically it's where the sun doesn't shine. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-08
Posted: September 8, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- The only reason i still have Twitterific on my iPhone is so that i can lick your avatars… sorry not lick-lick, but "scroll". #
- My Twitter account is *well done*, read that as you may. #
- I am as stiff as a board. I strongly suspect it has something to do with wood, occasionally calls on early mornings. Let me stretch it out. #
- Whenever i am on Favstar and i see the 'unfollow' button below the avatars its like its urging me to promptly do as it commands. #
- Wait a minute! @Echofon for Mac, i have already opted out of Twitter retweets, what are they doing on my timeline on your app? #
- I see more plagiarized tweets on my timeline. Honestly, what does it take to attribute? *sigh* #
- Hey @Suetiful this [bit.ly] stolen from @shariv67 here [bit.ly] by @mwitee don't worry dear already reported it. #
- It's all fun and games till someone gets kicked in the nads. #
- .@Suetiful by the way he esposed himself before i even lifted a finger. I have dmed the owner of the original tweet. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-07
Posted: September 7, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- In case of fire: Use stairs. [plixi.com] #
- For the @motogari fans: [bit.ly] Porsche 918 Spyder Hybrid drives #
- I am loving the new @Echofon for Mac.
Tells you when you have been Favourited, Followed; cant tell if Unfollows shall show up too. # - I know what that ReTweet reminds me of!
My uncle's pet parrot, bugger repeats everything that's said, especially the ones that he shouldnt. # - All that @Echofon needs now is temp. amnesia for non traditional ReTweets and i shall totally make out with it, maybe even to second base. #
- You know you have been on Twitter too long when thoughts forming in your head have hash tags.
And not the smokey stuff either. # - The moment you lot hit 5000 i shall go out and buy five loaves of bread and two fishes.
Those shall feed me, you will have to get your own. # - If I write a funny joke I get a star.
Then this must mean that I *am* a star! #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-06
Posted: September 6, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- If I knew this gig came with so many visitors I would have totally moved out. Sunday is *my* day! #
- If ever caught naked in a compromising situation do wear a brown bag over your head.
Not many people can recognise you by your genitals. # - Where are the snide comments on this #tpf4 it's too polite! #
- My neighbour is not taking kindly to me making myself at home in her house.
Perhaps I should have kept my shorts on & not eaten her food. # - So this is RAGGA DEE? #tpf4 #
- Now these Juba auditions will require extra strength lighting. Did they carry extra generator sets and powerful lights? #tpf4 #
- Acc. to @gummybear254 i doubt if it'll help, jus saw next week's Juba preview, its like a shadow jus got a shadow ) This just won me over. #
- #NowPlaying The Promise – Tracy Chapman for a dear dear friend. Sending many positive thoughts your way. #
- #MusicMonday Father Please – @FreshlyGroundSA *
*Genius. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-06
Posted: September 6, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- If I knew this gig came with so many visitors I would have totally moved out. Sunday is *my* day! #
- If ever caught naked in a compromising situation do wear a brown bag over your head.
Not many people can recognise you by your genitals. # - Where are the snide comments on this #tpf4 it's too polite! #
- My neighbour is not taking kindly to me making myself at home in her house.
Perhaps I should have kept my shorts on & not eaten her food. # - So this is RAGGA DEE? #tpf4 #
- Now these Juba auditions will require extra strength lighting. Did they carry extra generator sets and powerful lights? #tpf4 #
- Acc. to @gummybear254 i doubt if it'll help, jus saw next week's Juba preview, its like a shadow jus got a shadow ) This just won me over. #
- #NowPlaying The Promise – Tracy Chapman for a dear dear friend. Sending many positive thoughts your way. #
- #MusicMonday Father Please – @FreshlyGroundSA *
*Genius. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-05
Posted: September 5, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-04
Posted: September 4, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I am absolutely loving iTunes 10.
*licking monitor* #
- These Motorola S9s stereo headphones clip horribly if pushed too close to their limit. #NoteToSelf #
- Ever watched a music video so raunchy that the only difference with pørn would be that they were singing to the song playing? Me neither. #
- Say Cookie Monster then imagine that the first part which involves a sweet round, flat, crisp cake to be related to the feline family. #
- And no, you may not touch my cookie! #
- Wait, i am a man, or am i, this *is* the internet after all. #
- I am absolutely loving iTunes 10.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-03
Posted: September 3, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I shall fire my writers. A whole week with nothing to post? What do I pay them for again?
Perhaps I should offer more than Scooby snacks. # - Don't get me wrong, I am frank on Twitter but all my legal documents carry the name Nikolas. #
- Hmm.. Smells like ass. via somuchpun.com [twitpic.com] #
- On my way to this meating I espy these delicious looking cows lounging atop a lorry innocently chewing cud. #
- The meating last night was so good I smuggled some out in my pocket.
Company was awesome too. Objected to share space in my pocket though. # - You do know that the abbreviation for Mother In Law is just one letter away from MILF right? You lot have been doing it wrong all this time. #
- I really appreciate the enthusiastic new followers.
I just have one question, did you read my timeline?
If yes, welcome O brave of heart. # - This lot, sina kizuri cha kusema. #meating @Mwirigi @kaboro @matrixster @rookieke @whiteafrican @69mb @bytebandit @mkaigwa @roomthinker #
- I shall fire my writers. A whole week with nothing to post? What do I pay them for again?
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-03
Posted: September 3, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- I shall fire my writers. A whole week with nothing to post? What do I pay them for again?
Perhaps I should offer more than Scooby snacks. # - Don't get me wrong, I am frank on Twitter but all my legal documents carry the name Nikolas. #
- Hmm.. Smells like ass. via somuchpun.com [twitpic.com] #
- On my way to this meating I espy these delicious looking cows lounging atop a lorry innocently chewing cud. #
- The meating last night was so good I smuggled some out in my pocket.
Company was awesome too. Objected to share space in my pocket though. # - You do know that the abbreviation for Mother In Law is just one letter away from MILF right? You lot have been doing it wrong all this time. #
- I really appreciate the enthusiastic new followers.
I just have one question, did you read my timeline?
If yes, welcome O brave of heart. # - This lot, sina kizuri cha kusema. #meating @Mwirigi @kaboro @matrixster @rookieke @whiteafrican @69mb @bytebandit @mkaigwa @roomthinker #
- I shall fire my writers. A whole week with nothing to post? What do I pay them for again?
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-02
Posted: September 2, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Twitter's new best feature yet, Mute.
Next opt out of "non formal Twitter" RTs. #wishesandhorses # - So i went out and bought this Old Spice i keep hearing so much about.
I sure hope it brings out the flavour in this beef stew. # - Y'all who are worried about HOAX RED CALLS; send this to your families, friends & mostly enemies. [bit.ly] Hope that ends that. #
- Twitter's new best feature yet, Mute.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-09-01
Posted: September 1, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- There sure is a lot of porn at this Chess Tournament.
Wait, what was that son?
Right, with an A and a W?
Well, fuck me sideways! # - There sure is a lot of p0rn at this Chess Tournament. Wait, what was that son? Right, with an A and a W? Well, feck me sideways! #
- It is my not so humble opinion that @freshlygroundsa is an amazing band. #NowPlaying I'd Like – Freshly Ground. #
- #MusicMonday Aisha (Remix) – Khaled. #
- Would anyone like to have some of my lollipop?
Ladies? # - According to the Census Bureau, Kenya is now a veritable sausage fest. #
- There sure is a lot of porn at this Chess Tournament.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-31
Posted: August 31, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- A little Being Five humour for the day. [twitpic.com] #
- I find myself playing this song again; Where Did it Go Wrong – Anthony Hamilton, where did it all go, how did it go wrong, tell me what… #
- Whenever someone yells out *TIGER!* I usually wonder if its the Forest predator, then i think those are Woods & pretty much the same thing. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-31
Posted: August 31, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- A little Being Five humour for the day. [twitpic.com] #
- I find myself playing this song again; Where Did it Go Wrong – Anthony Hamilton, where did it all go, how did it go wrong, tell me what… #
- Whenever someone yells out *TIGER!* I usually wonder if its the Forest predator, then i think those are Woods & pretty much the same thing. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-30
Posted: August 30, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Let's say you forgot something on the roof of the car, at what speed will it fall off?
I am hoping my cup of coffee is still up there. # - Wait. It has been raining too. Odds? #
- I would like to tell the people who follow me keenly on Twitter that Kenya Power have not blacked out my neighbourhood. This is useful info. #
- Also I am hungry. No further information available on this state. This is all very fascinating. #
- Does this cranky make me look disgruntled? #
- You might suspect it is time to go to sleep if you cannot spell the word tyred*.
*Tired #
- Oh looky here on the right, a star, *CLICK* it goes all glowy then turns a gorgeous red orangy colour!
Try it, its like magic! #
- Let's say you forgot something on the roof of the car, at what speed will it fall off?
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-29
Posted: August 29, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- One family up for sale; going for only 50 cents, slightly used, many dents, overstretched, and prone to impressive dramatics.
Any takers? # - Ok Favstar, if you were any slower I would mail these fucking stars via your Post Office Box.
What is your P.O. Box by the way? # - Is Twitter Wit an Oxymoron?
Well, as opposed to any other kind?
Something tells me i am doing this wrong. # - Twitter could learn a thing or two from my friends in PR.
Landing a Whale is a *GOOD* thing. # - So this is how church looks on a Saturday.
Friday holidays should be banned forthwith. # - Whenever i look at my Faved by page all I see are enablers. #
- What is this I hear about the Paris Hilton?
Cocaine in the foyer? What took them so long to find it? # - Can babies swim? How good are they at holding their breath? And they are waterproof to what depth? #
- Asking for this bathtub. #
- One family up for sale; going for only 50 cents, slightly used, many dents, overstretched, and prone to impressive dramatics.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-28
Posted: August 28, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Kenya finally appears on the worldwide twitter trending topics with "Raila". How proud are we. Where is Kibaki? #
- How sweet @fivefoottall for the kind #ff from the tallest sweetest five footer that i know. Plus she is gorgeous. Lads? in reply to fivefoottall #
- I would like in on the committee that decides what weather we have. Each day feels more and more like that is how this is accomplished. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-27
Posted: August 27, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Have you ever had one of those days that you couldn't find the floor with your face if you fell on it? No, me either. #
- Is this New @ZainKenyaLtd a fake Twitter account? I await it to be Verified by @Twitter like @KenyaAirways did theirs. @BataKenya you too. #
- These two totally deserve each other.
LOL of the day goes to: [twitpic.com]
Via FAILBlog. # - Perhaps it is time Ev moved this Twitter operation off his MacbookPro and onto his iMac. #
- New post is up on my blog – Stan Live: 26th August 2010 [bit.ly] Pls RT. (via @ArcherMishale) #
- I'm sorry, seems i have broken Favstar.
Totally inadvertent, I even waited till the lot of you were asleep too. No, this is not unusual? #
- No ma'am, I wouldn't like to have my salad tossed, i'd quite like it if you kept right away from that area too.
Salad dressing will suffice. # - You know when you used to yell out BING! for no reason whatsoever?
Please don't. # - Best part about babysitting through the night?
No morning breath.
Oh, and getting first Favs. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-26
Posted: August 26, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Why is that particular protuberance called Camel Toe but then considered churlish to pronounce it Camel Riding while humping it? #
- Camel, hum and toe all in the same sentence, these jokes just write themselves. #
- According to this ISO certification label, my ruler now has an expiry date. #
- I just drove a KEWASAKI motorbike! #
- #nowfollowing truck doing 5 kph in industrial area. #
- That does it. I am never buying a used car from Bon Temps. #
- You know when you hear someone scream for help you are supposed to hop out & help? Don't if you were hiding under your neighbour's bed. #
- Remember this Tweet [bit.ly] ? Well, The 27th Comrade's reply to it on my blog was hilarious, "Nationalising shoes." #
- Where did it go wrong – Anthony Hamilton #NowPlaying #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-26
Posted: August 26, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- Why is that particular protuberance called Camel Toe but then considered churlish to pronounce it Camel Riding while humping it? #
- Camel, hum and toe all in the same sentence, these jokes just write themselves. #
- According to this ISO certification label, my ruler now has an expiry date. #
- I just drove a KEWASAKI motorbike! #
- #nowfollowing truck doing 5 kph in industrial area. #
- That does it. I am never buying a used car from Bon Temps. #
- You know when you hear someone scream for help you are supposed to hop out & help? Don't if you were hiding under your neighbour's bed. #
- Remember this Tweet [bit.ly] ? Well, The 27th Comrade's reply to it on my blog was hilarious, "Nationalising shoes." #
- Where did it go wrong – Anthony Hamilton #NowPlaying #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-25
Posted: August 25, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- What is all this about make up sex?
For the life of me I can't figure out why in heck anyone would want to powder their genitals? # - Some days i wish i could 'favourite' DMs. #
- This is the product of reading my timeline via Brizzly. @Joliea er, this is my computer at work! *cringe* [twitpic.com] #
- Why do they call it Miss Universe?
I am yet to see a single Alien prance around the stage.
Unrelated: Wait, is that contestant Mexican? # - If you happen to have "known", separately, two lasses with a birthday on the same day does it count as a threesome? #
- Living with a baby is not all it's cracked up to be. Tripping over shoes, toys & the baby. Related, are dents in it covered by the warranty? #
- What would happen if you actually let in those Jehovah's witnesses and ask them to tell you about what Jesus has been upto recently? #
- I have a nagging feeling that what I am overhearing from my neighbour's house will shortly require me to vigorously crave a cigarette. #
- Leo tu wathii ni Bidii Yangu… [bit.ly] Nataku tu hesima yaako… nataka tuu furaha yako. #
- What is all this about make up sex?
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-24
Posted: August 24, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-24
Posted: August 24, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-23
Posted: August 23, 2010, 7:39 am by NiKolaS
- A man walks into a bar. And goes OW! Because it was an iron bar and it hurt his head. #
- Do you lot actually go back over your Twitter stream and think, i make sense, not vague statements, this is what i wish to tell the world? #
- Would you even follow yourselves on Twitter or would you be ashamed to?
Well, i would not follow me. How do i unfollow myself? #
- What is Don Draper doing in the A-Team Movie? #
- Should babies be able to sit up on their own and watch TV? This one keeps falling over and crying. #
- Boomerang acts are coming back. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-22
Posted: August 22, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-21
Posted: August 21, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- I am having this kind of a day. [tweetphoto.com] #
- Acknowledged. The 2nd of Sept, Fogo. Meating @Mwirigi @Intelligensia @bytebandit @WairimuG @rookieke @69mb @whiteafrican @matrixster @kaboro #
- Running iPhoDroid on my iphone 3G. #geekcred #
- [twitpic.com] – Evidence of android on my iphone 3G. How awesome! #
- [twitpic.com] – The Android lockscreen. Let's see what I am supposed to be missing. #
- Oh the rain. Lovely rain! How auspicious is this this day? #
- My cousins' children will be raging alcoholic metrosexuals. Possibly gay too, not of the happy variety no less. Sigh. That was a fun evening #
- Snuggies remind me way too much of those open back hospital gowns. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-20
Posted: August 20, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- This *IS* my game face. #
- I am so lazy today I think I will nominate my own tweet for tweet of the day. #
- This babysitting gig is difficult. Now, does dropping it in water void the warranty? This one is all wet. #
- God is faithful and true. He has come through for me once again without fail. Praise and glory be to you O heavenly Father. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-19
Posted: August 19, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- "I am on an Internet." [bit.ly] #
- You know it is going to be a long day when you wear your tea cosy as a hat. #
- Me I I don't joke, I am a comic of international repute. Wait, I write jokes for a living. *sigh* #
- I think it's time we saw other people. #unfollowexcuses #
- When your exes all gang up and become fast friends it means you are just paranoid. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-18
Posted: August 18, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- My stress can kick your stress' arse. #
- I am taking back my PEPPERPOT unreservedly. It is too beautiful to be left out there all unwanted. #
- This run up Pike's Peak in the US [bit.ly] is a thing of beauty, badass driving too. cc @motogari and other motor enthusiasts. #
- A video that shows why YouTube was invented, [bit.ly] and it was good that is was!
Hot Latina girl dancing to some music. NSFW! #
- I am not the sharpest tool in the shed probably because I am a hammer. #
- Again I say, it is not the size of the musket but something to do with the buck shot or how well the soldier wields it. #
- Damn! Apple Lossless #NowPlaying PepperPot – Sean Paul sounding awesome. I am so buying this CD. Music makes me high, literally. #
- Hugging my Subwoofer since it feels sooo goood! #
- I tried to tell you babe that I'd be there for you… Leave now and never come back again .. You knew this from the start… #
- Call for Kshs 3 and SMS for only Ksh 1 to any network in Kenya 24 hours a day. No terms & conditions.
// why are you not on Zain people? # - Calling Zain customer care & those auto play messages I have heard such contradictory messages about their tariffs that I have a headache. #
- Goodness! Even Zain is avoiding my calls? #
- Noting that Zain have come full circle back to the days of 1 shilling texts. My thumbs are so happy! #
- You see @sheila97 @bankelele this sounds like something Airtel, according to sources close to them, would do. This is going to be fun! in reply to sheila97 #
- Just so the Internet knows, iOS4 on iPhone 3G is rubbish, back to 3.1.3. Its fast and crash free. #
- Also, Internet, i am now back to using Firefox, please dont tell Apple that i am dropping Safari. Beta 4.0b3 is FAST! #
- Sorry @Joliea what dear? no conversation thread. cc @delamuziki @easytyzee @akenyangirl @masoappiere @mrskartman @teriwanderi @kizitoo in reply to Joliea #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-17
Posted: August 17, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- I run* my Gmail Inbox in Kiswahili because i am a ninja.
*i guess a lot, pardon me if i lose/delete your e-mail. #
- I have a very radical use for a Time Machine.
I put my clothes in it & they are taken back in time to when they were clean then back to me. # - "Tap that arse" has nothing to do with plumbing. #
- Enjoying the sunset at my Uncle's place. Hard to imagine this is in Nairobi. [yfrog.com] #
- . @ghettoradio895 please get that shrill, loud, irritating young lass on your breakfast show. Or tone her down, she gives me a headache. #
- Stayed out of boost in Estella this morning even on mombasa road! I proceed to pat self on back. Unrelated: OW! I need a new shoulder. #
- When I woke up this morning I was so surprised that I was alive that I fell off the bed! #
- That Chirau ali joke was funny the first time. Not so much any more after I have seen it about 40 times in the past minute. Lord! #
- #NowPlaying Sean Paul – Hold my hand feat. Keri Hilson #
- I run* my Gmail Inbox in Kiswahili because i am a ninja.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-16
Posted: August 16, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- This Prayer Garden is brilliant save for one thing, the air conditioning outdoor unit rattling on at the most inappropriate of times. #
- I accidentally fasted today and continue doing so. I sure hope this counts otherwise I call bullshit. #
- When you buy a Vitz you do not get a Logbook you get a receipt. #avitzisnotacar #
- "It is POSITIVE two five four*.."
*+254 #
- They say hit the ground running, right, i tried that, they didn't say anything about the day being polished wooden floors & i wearing socks. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-15
Posted: August 15, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-14
Posted: August 14, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- I am joining my Muslim brothers in fasting today.
I wonder why this just makes me hungrier. # - It must be very confusing for Pete whenever he dines at a Chinese restaurant and orders Sake.
Unrelated: "Oh, for Pete's sake!" #
- China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch. (via @FannTheFlame) cc @badbanana #
- .@Violetotina oh dear @FannTheFlame been er… copy pasting tweets? it sounded identical to this one: [bit.ly] cc @badbanana in reply to Violetotina #
- .@Violetotina indeed. please follow @badbanana funniest person i know, really, get his tweets first hand, not dirty and dented. hehe. in reply to Violetotina #
- .@Violetotina the most hilarious community of Twitter comedy authors on the Internet of which i am proud to be part of [favstar.fm] in reply to Violetotina #
- How is the State of the Union undressed? #
- Just because it may inherit a name from a member of the feline family does not mean that it should follow that it be quite so furry. #
- In babysitting, which i am supposed to be doing, when do i start sitting on the baby? Do i have to feed it first? #
- If all conversations were like phone calls… [bit.ly] Via Explosm #
- I made you some toast, its a bit on the dark side, isn't it? [twitgoo.com] *dead* (via comixed.com) #
- Oh, me? Just over here doing grocery shopping at Nakumatt. Running a household *is* all it's cracked up to be. And a little more. #
- Stars are the *new* tramp stamps. #
- I am joining my Muslim brothers in fasting today.
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-13
Posted: August 13, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- Hey @OtienoHongo @mole_a @Mwirigi @mbithi @Joliea @mbithi @Chiira thank for the ReTweet guys. y'all great sports, thanks for attributing. in reply to OtienoHongo #
- Why is it always so funny when someone gets nailed in the batteries?
Related: I should, in future, watch out for stray garden implements. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-13
Posted: August 13, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- Hey @OtienoHongo @mole_a @Mwirigi @mbithi @Joliea @mbithi @Chiira thank for the ReTweet guys. y'all great sports, thanks for attributing. in reply to OtienoHongo #
- Why is it always so funny when someone gets nailed in the batteries?
Related: I should, in future, watch out for stray garden implements. #
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Twitter Updates for 2010-08-12
Posted: August 12, 2010, 6:39 am by NiKolaS
- #NowPlaying I will Survive – Gloria Gayner *knowing this does not help with my street credibility yet i am singing every word out loud* #
- Is Twitter as one of these so called social lubricants, you know like alcohol? #
- …you can have whatever you liiiike, go wherever you liiiike… everytime i want to pick up the telephone… #
- I'm bringing sexy back, as soon as i find it, beat it to a pulp, handcuff it & drag it's arse… wait, where am i supposed to take it again? #
- I am here in my naughty corner. Who wants to come join me? #
Blah blah blah
Fish cakes
Alas a fish cake.
Yet more fish cakes
Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.
The end of the fish cakes
