Items by Lindsay

kenyantg.blogspot.com

• We are not SEX SYMBOLS

  Posted: May 7, 2012, 7:50 pm by Lindsay

  I got this email recently:
  
  

  From: mylord Dianganzi
  To: Kashwiti
  Sent: Monday, March 5, 2012 6:33 PM
  Subject: Hello....
  Hello,
  I hope that I'm talking to Lindsay... Today I readed an article about you, talking about LBGT community in Kenya. My name is Mylord, i think that I'm not gay but I like transsexuals or transgenders. And my dream is to meet a transsexual and if possible, make my life with. Just ask for your help this way, show me how or where I can meet transgender... My e-mail is xxxxx My facebook account is : xxxxx My pin BBM is : xxxxx.
  Mylord.
  Kissoux.
  

  (photo credit: wikimedia)

  I just couldn't help but reply:
  
  

  From: Lindsay
  To: mylord Dianganzi
  Sent: Monday, May 7, 2012 1:56 PM
  Subject: Re: Hello....
  Dude you need to understand that trans people are not sex symbols that you can "look for" and "hopefully make a life with".
  That is wrong and you should stop!
  Lindsay

  Maybe he didn't mean any harm. But honestly, people need to be told: we are not SEX SYMBOLS.
  
  Unfortunately, the sex industry has made us look like that's the only job we do.
  
  So if you come to this blog thinking you will get some hot sexy "tranny" to go do as you please with (read: go fuck like hell) then you're in the wrong place buddy! Get a move on!
  
  If this is how you look for people to "make a life with" then, pole sana boss, una shida! I don't think any serious person would take you seriously.
  
  If you think saying "I'm not gay" will make me feel better, you're very wrong. It actually makes me see that you believe that you have to "de-gay-nize" yourself to be with a trans person. Shame on you!
  
  I'm done.
  
  
  XOXO
  
  Lindsay.

• Of Gender Reassignment Surgery

  Posted: February 18, 2012, 3:40 pm by Lindsay

  HAPPY NEW YEAR!
  
  Yes, I haven't posted a thing this year. Sorry. Hope this year has began well for you.
  
  I've been thinking of GRS a lot lately. I think it is because I am at a stage where life has become sort of stagnant, transition-wise. I am taking my medication as usual and its now almost two years since I had the orchie. According to a website I read a while ago, it takes roughly two years for one to fully develop breasts. I so want that to be false! Mine are still small and I really want them to grow more. I just hope it happens soon.
  
  About the surgery, its more of a money issue rather than a choice issue. I do want to have the surgery, and if I had the means, I'd do it NOW! However, I don't. And I don't see myself coming by that kind of money any time soon.
  
  A friend of mine went to Thailand recently and when he was going I asked him to find out for me roughly how much it would cost now to have the surgery there, Thailand being world renowned for having the best GRS centres & surgeons & at affordable costs. He told me it would be roughly 12,000 USD (1M Kes). That's a shocker!
  
  
  
  The interesting part is that I can do this surgery in my country but the hospital lawyers completely refuse anyone who wants to do the surgery to have it. They say its a sensitive matter that would have legal implications later. You understand that? Me neither.
  
  Anyway, I will try focus on other things in life as I wait for the right time for my surgery. I will also try and enjoy life now as I am truly blessed.
  
  Love,
  
  Lind.

• High School....

  Posted: October 9, 2011, 1:50 pm by Lindsay

  I rarely write about my high school days. But its mostly because I have mixed feelings about (1) writing about it and (2) the people who know me to read and look at me funny (don't look at me funny now!). But something crossed my mind today. And I thought I'd share. Interestingly, it has little to do with trans issues.
  
  In high school, I was in the school christian union's music team. This saw me lead praise & worship during church services and be (on most occasions) the lead soloist/leader in the cu choir. But this post is not about that.
  
  
  If there's something I noticed was that whenever we visited girls schools, (which I envied heavily!), and during church service, almost every girl was dancing and singing to the praise and worship session. But the boys, where I was, umm... half at least were interested, and mostly a half of that half were actually enthusiastic about being in church. The rest? They couldn't be bothered! They either sat down care free, or stood just so they don't be labelled as bad by other boys. And quite a number cursed the fact that they had to attend service. It was mandatory.
  
  I never quite understood why. Is it a female thing? Or is it a peer pressure thing? I have no clue.
  
  Just thought I'd share.
  
  Have a pleasant Sunday.

• Changing My Bank Account Names

  Posted: September 12, 2011, 2:21 pm by Lindsay

  Hey all, did you miss me? Hehehe
  
  So I had quite a good time the other day at the bank with changing my name on my bank account from the old to the new, even the signature, photo, forwarding address and cellphone numbers.
  
  Initially I'd been informed that banks usually require one's PIN (personal identification number) to process a new account and so I had made my way to KRA (Kenya Revenue Authority) offices to see if they'd accept a change of my PIN using my deed poll documents. Sadly, they said no. They informed me that I'd need to change my ID card details first and use the new ID to get a new PIN. I couldn't even use my new passport :(
  
  Anyway, I went to my bank feeling frustrated and talked to an account manager there asking if it were possible to change the details on my account with only my deed poll and my passport. And he said yes! I was surprised and happy and I asked him to tell me what he needed. I explained to him that I was trans and that was the reason for the change of name and what not.
  
  
  The guy didn't even flinch! He was like "Oh, okay.. so these are the documents you need to bring...." Yea! Just like that. I'd expected a tirade about oh how I'm harming God's wonderful work and bla bla bla but nothing! He never even asked why I did what I did, if anything we were talking about how our jobs are wearing us down! Talk about information & awareness!
  
  Even the legal department staff didn't have questions. I was listening to his conversation with them and he was like "Yea she changed her name from bla bla to bla bla. Yes its one of those cases...."
  
  And within about two weeks all my details were changed. The only thing that remained the same was my account number. The name, the signature, the address, the cellphone number, the photo! All changed! I was so so happy.
  
  I'm now yet to go and get a new debit card. I'm still using "my brother's" card.
  
  More updates to come soon. Thanks for reading :)
  
  Remember, if you have questions, do not hesitate to ask. Feel free to ask  me anything.

• Alien No More!

  Posted: August 16, 2011, 3:03 pm by Lindsay

  Hi good people!
  
  I know I've been out and quiet for a long time but its because I've been celebrating! I recently got my passport!!!! Hooray!!!
  Remember this post:
  

  Okay, maybe I am complaining a wee bit too much, but honestly, can't you see my frustrations? Lemme give you ten things I can't do now because "I don't exist".
  
  
  1. I wanna travel outside country. I can't do that because I don't have a passport. If I go apply for one right now they'll tell me "you can't apply using your brother's documents, go bring yours"... oh wait, I have none!!
  2. I wanna go back to school. I can't because, again, I can't use 'my brother's' documents!
  3. I wanna open a bank account. I can't!!
  4. I wanna travel locally using an airline. Can't!
  5. I wanna invest my hard earned cash somewhere. Can't!!
  6. I wanna start a business. Can't!!
  7. I wanna go for driving lessons. Can't! You need an ID or Passport to get a DL!
  8. I wanna buy a car... Can't!!
  9. I wanna get into a certain society and save money for my old age. CAN'T!!
  10. I wanna buy a mortgage for a house for my mom. CAN'T!!!!!
  
  
  I. Am. So. Frustrated!!!!!

  
  The above list is what I'm working on now. I've checked off number 1! The next few months will see me checking off more stuff on that list :)
  
  I. Am. So. EXCITED!!!
  
  But there are some downsides. For instance I hit a snag when I went to try and change my PIN (personal identification number) at the KRA (Kenya Revenue Authority) offices. They informed me that one can only change their PIN using the ID only. And therefore I'd need to change my ID first before I can change my PIN. Drats! Anyhoo, I will deal with that soon.
  
  In the meantime,
  
  
  
  *XOXO*

• Good News! I'm Not An Alien Anymore!!

  Posted: July 29, 2011, 5:24 pm by Lindsay

  YAAY! Its finally done! I'm no longer an alien to the Kenyan Government!
  
  This happened a while back yes, but I didn't want to say it before I got my passport but... ah I've said it! The above document states that my name change has been approved and I used the said document to apply for a passport.
  
  I went to Nyayo House to apply for a passport and we went straight to the supervisors office just to avoid questions with the service people at the booths. The team there was very friendly. The supervisor took my documents, asked me a few questions, such as ensuring I understood that the passport would only show my new name but would still indicate "M" for sex because the documents only approve a change of name and not a change of sex. After we had that discussion he asked me to wait for a while as he seeks approval from his boss. A few minutes later (actually a while) he comes back and asks me to go with him to see his supervisor. We went in and had a similar conversation with the boss, i.e. about the M. We also had a bit of chit chat about the situation of other Kenyan trans people and how difficult it is for them to get by, e.g. getting jobs, passing, living, acceptance and so forth. They then informed me that my application was fine and I would now go to pay, take a photo and wait for a week and I'd get my passport!
  
  I am so so excited about this news! This means that all the things I spoke about here will be fulfilled in due time!
  
  
  
  Thanks for the support people. I really appreciate it.
  
  
  *XOXO*
  
  

• On The Other Side

  Posted: July 11, 2011, 6:12 am by Lindsay

  
  There's a question that just came to mind. How does it feel to be on the other side?
  
  I personally have no issue with myself; with who I am (duh!).. but what of others? How do they feel when they see me for the first time since for ever?
  
  I can't imagine how it must feel like to meet me after 10 years, where the last you knew of me was that I was a boy. What's the underlying thought that crosses your mind when you look at me now, and compare that image with the last mental image you have of me?
  
  
  I can imagine the shock, disbelief, confusion and everything. But I can't really tell how it feels.
  
  All I can tell anyone that I've shocked and is as a result not yet able to even look me in the eye, let alone give me a hug to say hi or bye, is that I'm sorry and I hope you can someday come to terms.
  
  What I know is that not everyone will embrace me. Not everyone will accept me. And I'm not just talking about my being trans, its more than that. Its about life and living. Every aspect of it.
  
  Sadly, not everyone gets along. Its one of those things about humanity we may never understand.

• Some Statistics

  Posted: July 6, 2011, 11:35 pm by Lindsay

  I was going through my Blogger Dashboard and came across the "Stats" tab. I didn't know it existed. In my curiosity, I saw this.
  
  (you can click on it for a larger view, right click and click view image.. or something)
  
  Quite interesting is that I wanted to reach Kenyan audiences but it seems the largest audience I have is the US and the UK. Fascinating.
  
  Hoping that some more people read on... especially Kenyans.
  
  Maybe I got boring....

• This thing called SEX!

  Posted: May 9, 2011, 3:35 pm by Lindsay

  I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. Sex.  Yeah yeah, I ain't a perv so don't start! Well, the reason sex has been on my mind, and is not in anyway related to what I want to do, is simple. What comes to mind when someone like me, a trans, gets hit on?

  
  

  I probably have mentioned this before but I guess it something I'm experiencing more and more and felt the need to share (again). It's not as simple as you think. Let me babble on.

  
  

  See, nowadays I get hit on a lot. And I do mean a lot. Now, while I don't mind the attention, it can get annoying sometimes. It's one of those things I used to envy my fellow cousins and friends of but now that it's actually happening to me, eish! It can get a tad bit too much.

  
  

  But there is one specific thing that crosses my mind every time something like this happens, I often ask myself,

  
  

  "Hmm... I wonder if they can tell. Ok maybe they can't. Well actually they can't. I'm pretty, no? Ok. Lemme stop being vain! But seriously, so what if I was single? How would I go through it? Well, yeah, I've had experiences before where a guy has actually said its fine and they'll deal with it but, really, do they? Does it come that easy? How about a guy who tells you that they're not homophobic but whenever you mention anything about two gay men their facial expression tells you otherwise. Yeah yeah, I mentioned homophobic instead of transphobic. Why, because truth be told, there is some form of similarity there. But that's a thought conversation for another day, okay? So where were we? Yea, that guy who clearly is hiding some fears about gay sex. Now how will he react when he internalises the fact that A) I don't have big (enough) boobs and B) I am pre-op? AKA, still have "the bits"? How will he deal with that?"

  
  

  
  

  Let's take up another angle. It's not just guys who hit on me. Even girls and trans men do. And it still got me thinking about the same damn thing. Sex! How would it be? That is the golden question. Think about it.

  
  

  Even as I ponder on this hard question, I can't help but wonder why we emphasise so so much on SEX!! I have this one ardent follower here called "Alehandro". From day one this guy has relentlessly beckoned me to be his. And by that I mean he wants to **** me. And every time he asks me that, I throw back a question. Why? Why all the emphasis? Why does this thing have such a hold on us humanity? It's so interesting isn't it? That to tell apart love from lust or infatuation, emotions from plain desire... is so so hard!

  
  

  But anyway, lemme let you think on that for now. I think it won't be the last time I hear of it.

   

  *XOXO*

   

• Still Happens...

  Posted: April 25, 2011, 7:39 am by Lindsay

  A year has passed since I had my surgery and started taking Progynova. Its been great. I couldn't be happier.
  
  Thing is, even nowadays whenever I look in the mirror, I still see a speck or two or even several, of my old self. Do you know I don't even look at those old photos of myself? My mum has them close somewhere. I understand her. Its hard losing a son and gaining a daughter all at the same time. That's the easiest way to explain it. Definitely the real explanation is different from that but.... I digress.
  
  I still have those shivers that someone's gonna notice something odd about me. Even now when I have more confidence about my (small) bust, I am still conscious of what I do and how I do it.
  
  But, I just have to deal with it. One way or another I need to stop caring about what people think and just mind my own business. I already know I'm pretty, I don't need anyone to validate that!
  
  
  XOXO

• Gimme A Name Change Already!!!

  Posted: April 14, 2011, 11:01 am by Lindsay

  I am so so mad!!
  
  
  This silly government of ours has decided to delay the process for me to get a name change. I have all my papers correct and oh, just because I am changing my name from a "male" one to a typically "female" one, they've raised questions.
  
  I am tempted to blame the recent talk about gay issues in the country and sadly, trans issues are still being lumped together with gay issues and people still view trans persons as "extreme" gays. But I won't. I don't want to step on anyone's toes and be called homophobic. *sigh*
  
  
  
  So the reality is that about five months ago, no, six months, I lodged a request to have my name changed. Its supposed to be a simple process that takes no more than two weeks for approval and a month to lapse after being gazetted.
  
  They've refused. They're asking me to seek approval from some director and am asking myself, who is this person am supposed to 'seek approval' from? How do they know me? What is it to them if I am changing my name? I have no criminal record and duuh, ITS NON OF THEIR BUSINESS!!
  
  Okay, maybe I am complaining a wee bit too much, but honestly, can't you see my frustrations? Lemme give you ten things I can't do now because "I don't exist".
  
  1. I wanna travel outside country. I can't do that because I don't have a passport. If I go apply for one right now they'll tell me "you can't apply using your brother's documents, go bring yours"... oh wait, I have none!!
  2. I wanna go back to school. I can't because, again, I can't use 'my brother's' documents!
  3. I wanna open a bank account. I can't!!
  4. I wanna travel locally using an airline. Can't!
  5. I wanna invest my hard earned cash somewhere. Can't!!
  6. I wanna start a business. Can't!!
  7. I wanna go for driving lessons. Can't! You need an ID or Passport to get a DL!
  8. I wanna buy a car... Can't!!
  9. I wanna get into a certain society and save money for my old age. CAN'T!!
  10. I wanna buy a mortgage for a house for my mom. CAN'T!!!!!
  
  I. Am. So. Frustrated!!!!!
  
  Want me to go on?? It is soooo freaking tiring having to lag behind and miss out on great great opportunities I swear!!!
  
  
  Anyway..... next time you say trans people have it easy, think again! Okay, I take that back. Atleast I don't walk the streets of Nairobi during the day wondering if the person behind me will stab me to death because they suspect I am (fill in the blank).
  
  I hope this stalemate ends soon and I can finally achieve the above ten. HUH!!
  
  
  Nice day.
  
  XOXO

• Almost A Year!!

  Posted: April 11, 2011, 10:44 am by Lindsay

  Just thought of something...
  Guess what next week Wednesday means to me..
  
  
  If not, go here!
  
  *XOXO*

• Curvaceous!

  Posted: April 10, 2011, 3:41 pm by Lindsay

  Just thought I'd mention something small that ran through my head as I was sitting in my house watching TV.
  I am having a hot cuppatea (not cuppatea the blogger! ha!), and am seated on the couch. Am dressed in one of my fave party dresses that I don't wear much nowadays since I rarely go out anymore (blame work!) and whenever I look down and see my figure I sigh.
  
  
  While I used to be sort of curvy before I started transitioning, I am a lot more curvier now. Definitely attributed to the hormones & a good dose of "fries" (haha!). I remember back then before, I used to wear a tee shirt and hold it back along my body to see my hips & figure and I would not like what I saw. I wasn't as curvy as I'd wish to be. My cousins had already blossomed into these beautiful curvy young women where before they were thin and slender like I was. I was so jealous of them. I would cherish the days I was able to wear my tight jeans, tee-shirt and huggy jumper. It used to make me feel better about myself.
  Now seated on the couch and looking at how curvy I've got, I can't help but feel ecstatic. Its a wonderful feeling. I just run my hands over my hips and I feel *yes*!! I'm getting somewhere!
  The same applies to my bust. I nowadays can "share it with the world" so to speak hehe. Its coming along well and am proud of myself.
  Some people may think that this is what trans people are all about but let me explain something.
  When I write here about how a few extra inches I've gained around my hips or how better looking I am (in my view) or how I am more busty, its not the physical that should be the focus, rather, its what it means. To me, this means that something I've always felt was robbed (in a way) from me. Its like puberty all over again. This time round, its happening the way I always wanted it to be.
  I am very thankful I am myself now. Very very thankful.
  And oh yes, I love my curves!! :D
  
  *XOXO*

• Yeah.. I'm Thankful

  Posted: April 4, 2011, 10:55 am by Lindsay

  Oh well.. I am still fine.
  If there is something I've noticed is that I am easy nowadays. No pressures.
  Well, work is pressure enough! And I still do have my fears. Everytime I am in a public space it happens. When am around many people and I notice them looking at me I ask myself, "are they looking at me because they think I look weird or they think I look good?" its always the same. But then I console myself that well, maybe they're just looking at me in passing, their minds filled with worry.
  And then there is the fact that my family has been okay with everything. Well, I've been so busy that I rarely get to see them nowadays. Including my lovely mother!! I feel so bad. But that's gonna change. I shall strive to keep touch with family. Sometimes, family is all you got! They can never desert you, they'll always be a part of your life.
  I am thankful for how life has been since September 2009. Even if few people have asked if I have ever regreted the decision I made, I must say that for the most part, it was long overdue!
  
  

• Transcending Gender

  Posted: March 21, 2011, 6:24 am by Lindsay

  Fascinating story I have been reading... Hope you enjoy! Oh, and sorry for the loooong silence, things are great!
  Transcending genderIn a world where he's long felt invisible, Aydin Kennedy reflects on the man he's become, and the female identity he left behind
  By Stacey Kennelly 
  staceyk@newsreview.com
  More stories by this author... 
  
  This article was published on 03.17.11.
  

  Aydin Kennedy and his wife, Christia, pose with Olivia, Aydin's chihuahua, in their living room on a recent morning.PHOTO BY STACEY KENNELLY

  Aydin Kennedy is a 34-year-old social worker and student who lives in Chico, where he likes to ride his bike, play with his dogs Rylee and Olivia, root for Stanford women's basketball, lift weights and mow the lawn. His wife, Christia Currie-Kennedy, likes that he's courageous, funny and cute. The two hope to start a family soon.

  You wouldn't know it from looking at him, but three years ago Aydin was a woman. Had you met him then, you would have seen a tall, slender, attractive and athletic-looking woman who wore men's clothing and had cropped curly hair, olive skin, and striking blue eyes.

  He's still good-looking, but his curls are gone and his soft facial structure has become more masculine. He sports sparse facial hair and his body has bulked up, the result of weekly testosterone injections, exercise and a healthful lifestyle.

  You'd also never know, especially if you saw him with his wife—a pretty, fresh-faced woman with a pearly smile like her husband's—that he still has female reproductive organs.

  The three years since Aydin began changing from a woman into a man have been an emotional rollercoaster. First he started taking weekly testosterone injections. Then he had his breasts surgically removed. And then he married the perfect woman for him.

  Society treats him as a heterosexual man, but because he spent most of his life living as a lesbian woman and because he still has his female reproductive organs, he occupies a unique place in the sexual universe that gives him a remarkable perspective on sexuality and society's focus on gender roles.

  He describes it this way: "I didn't go from this box to another box. I'm outside the boxes."

  The experience has also been unique for Christia, who met Aydin while he was still a woman. She relentlessly supported him throughout his transition, including when he told his family about his transition from female to male and when he had his breasts removed.

  "I gave up my visibility around my sexuality, and so did Christia," Aydin said, referring to the lesbian identities they both erased when Aydin transitioned into a man. "I'm not straight and I'm not gay, so where am I? Where do I fit?"

  Ironically, that is the same question he has been asking his entire life. In an effort to quell feelings of isolation and invisibility, he speaks publicly in Chico and beyond on a regular basis, telling his story in an effort to dispel the myths and stigmas surrounding a population that has long been misunderstood and ignored.

  "I'm not done," he said. "I'm three years into my medical transition and four years into the emotional transition, but I'm still collecting tools for my toolbox."

  Aydin in 2006, before any testosterone injections or surgery.PHOTO COURTESY OF AYDIN KENNEDY

  Aydin Kennedy's story isn't a clichéd "born-in-the-wrong-body" scenario, although he acknowledges that for many transsexual people, that's the case. His body has served him well through his life, he said, despite the self-destructive behaviors he put it through as a young adult while trying to cope with his gender identity.

  "It's the same body," he said, referring to before and after his female-to-male transition. "Hormones and surgery have just helped bridge that gap between my sense of self on the outside and my sense of self on the inside."

  He knows the legal, medical and social challenges sexual transitioning poses, especially to people who are extremely fragile emotionally and mentally by the time they decide to take the leap.

  "It's not like there's a manual that says here's how to do this really fucking hard thing," he said frankly. "We are trying to navigate this world that is overwhelmingly not seeing us and overwhelmingly is not safe."

  To understand Aydin's world, one must first understand the importance of language and terminology. The terms "transgender" and "transsexual" take on different meanings, depending on the individual. Aydin uses both terms to identify himself.

  "Transgender" is an umbrella term that encompasses any behavior that deviates from normative gender roles, including those who transition from female-to-male or male-to-female medically or socially, transvestites, drag queens and kings, and cross-dressers. The term also applies to anyone who simply does not behave, appear or experience gender in the ways society expects.

  The number of transsexuals (individuals who have undergone surgery, by some definitions) is determined by those who seek medical treatment, but neglects to account for individuals who consider themselves transsexuals but do not seek treatment.

  Some argue that the reason why statistics are scarce is because of a long legacy of medicalizing the transgender condition, a "what's wrong with you?" stigma that causes many transgender and transsexual individuals to shy away from research studies, Aydin explained.

  "When you're trying to explain somebody, it's different than observing them," he said. He noted most medical research is based on assumptions that neglect to account for factors that complicate the experience of being trans, such as unequal access and opportunities.

  He experienced that unequal access to medical care when he was required to travel to the San Francisco Bay Area for psychological and medical treatment that specialized in gender identity, services that are not available in Chico. Even when he did find doctors, getting permission to take testosterone and have chest reconstructive surgery was demeaning because it required his therapist to confirm he was mentally competent enough to be diagnosed with gender identity disorder, a condition listed in the American Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

  "Now I have to carry that diagnosis around with me my entire life," he said. "For her to write that on a paper and verify that was a very frustrating experience for me."

  He often felt he was educating the very doctors he needed help from.

  "It's like you're this kid with a bowl going around begging people to put soup in it," he said, noting that many doctors' offices are not designed to make trans individuals feel safe and comfortable, from offering noninclusive forms (male, female or "other") to employing staff that have more questions than answers about the trans condition.

  
  

  Aydin was most comfortable playing sports as a child. From top to bottom, Aydin in elementary school, sixth grade and senior year of high school.PHOTOS COURTESY OF AYDIN KENNEDY

  Aydin's relationship with Christia budded at Chico State,where they were in the same cohort of the social-work program. She entered his life before the months when he began testosterone injections, an emotionally trying five-month period in which the introduction of testosterone and the suppression of estrogen caused Aydin to experience menopause and puberty simultaneously.

  "I was crabby, upset, irritable, and horny, all at the same time, with no framework for how to deal with it," he said.

  Christia, who identifies as "queer" because she is attracted to individuals all along the gender scale, supported him through the process, including when he had his chest reconstructive surgery.

  "She just arrived with this amazing set of tools," Aydin said. "She went through this process with me and was this advocate."

  When they met, in 2007, Aydin was still presenting as a female and went by his birth name. He was in a relationship with a woman, as was Christia, but Christia was immediately drawn to her new friend.

  Christia smiled on a recent sunny Monday morning while sitting in the couple's living room as she recalled her two classes with Aydin, when she'd sit near him because he looked "queer" like her.

  "I would talk really loudly with my friend about gay stuff," she said with a laugh. "But knowing him now, that was not the way to get him to be my friend."

  Aydin recalled the period shortly after he legally changed his name, when he had to "come out" in ways he hadn't anticipated. Christia was in the one class in which the instructor used his new name freely. She approached him after class one day and asked why the instructor was calling him by a new name.

  "She came right up to me and asked why. And I told her I was transitioning, and she said, 'Oh! OK,'" Aydin said, smiling while impersonating Christia's perky personality. "And then, a second later, she said, 'Um, excuse me, what does that mean?' "

  The two were "just friends" for a while, but their friendship took a turn when Aydin watched footage of an event in which he, Christia and two friends were setting up tombstones at Chico State during Transgender Day of Remembrance, a worldwide annual event that honors those who have been killed due to prejudice. (About 180 trans individuals were murdered in 2010, according to Europe's Trans Murder Monitoring Project.)

  "I realized I was watching this person who was completely in love with this other person," he said, referring to himself looking at Christia in the video.

  Aydin panicked and deleted the video, but confessed to Christia while driving her home from the airport after Thanksgiving.

  "It just felt good, it felt right," she recalled while sitting with Olivia, a Chihuahua, resting on her lap. "But it also took me a while. I didn't want to lose my closest friend."

  The two married in the summer of 2010 at Eagle's Point overlooking San Francisco Bay, at a ceremony that included 30 of their closest friends and family members.

  Because Aydin's surgery allowed him to legally change his gender, the couple are legally married. They hope to become "Mom" and "Dad" someday soon, and Christia wants to carry a baby. Although he still has his female reproductive parts, Aydin is not interested in carrying a child.

  "That just doesn't line up with how I see myself," he said.

  
  

  Aydin and Christia were married in June 2010 at a ceremony overlooking the San Francisco Bay. They were surrounded by 30 of their closest family members and friends.PHOTO COURTESY OF AYDIN KENNEDY

  Aydin was raised in a small town in southern Oregon, where he lived a good life, he said, that included playing catch with his dad—a quiet and caring man—and his brother in the evenings. He was also very attached to his mother, a strong and outspoken woman who coveted his long, curly brown hair but accepted his decision to wear boy's clothing.

  His female birth name is the one detail he will not divulge to the public (or this reporter), he said, because it does not embody who he is today.

  "I was active, but I never fit in. I struggled in school, did things like made myself sick so I wouldn't have to go, and I struggled socially," he said. "I was just preoccupied with life, and I was sensitively emotional."

  His sensitive nature, coupled with his inability to describe how he was feeling about his body, caused him to feel ostracized from an early age. He distinctly remembers his first day of first grade, when students in his class were divided into "male" and "female" queues to use the restroom.

  "I knew I didn't belong on the one side, but apparently my [female] name indicated that I did. And I knew if I went to the other side [the boys' side], the consequences would be severe," he said. "I didn't understand why I was being categorized. I thought, 'Why is this happening? Why is this name making me stand on that side of the room?'"

  (From that point until he was 30 years old, he avoided public restrooms, partly because he did not identify with either sign on the door, and partly because a restroom is one place where he's been threatened.)

  The lack of language he had to describe how he felt resonated throughout his teenage years, when he hadn't heard of gender identity and saw few to no models of transgender people depicted in the media or in his own world.

  "The only language I had was around sexuality, not gender," he said. Transvestites featured on the exploitative Jerry Springer talk show were the only representation he saw of "trans," but the shows were always under a "fooled you" pretense, he said.

  "I had a sense that those were my people. I identified with them, but I didn't know why," he said, recalling staying up until 2 a.m., when the show aired on cable. "But they were unhappy, unsuccessful. They were beating each other up, and I didn't identify with that."

  He clearly remembers a moment when he stood in front of a mirror at age 16, a time when he was suffering from a bout of crippling depression. He tucked his long, brown curly hair under a baseball cap and took an intentional look at himself.

  "I started to have a conversation with this person who I knew was on the inside. It was almost like [the two of me] shook hands with each other," he said, recalling the intense moment. "This place, I stepped into it a little bit and I got super freaked out. And I stepped back real quick."

  He attempted suicide for the first time shortly afterward, but his cry for help went largely unnoticed by family and friends.

  At that time, conservative Christians in his home state were pushing for anti-gay legislation. Most of it was defeated, but Aydin absorbed the anti-gay messages circulating in his conservative community.

  By the time college rolled around, he was eager to move away and reinvent himself, but when he arrived in West Texas in 1994 on a basketball scholarship, he experienced overt discrimination for the first time. His coach entered the locker room and addressed the team: "If there's any dykes on this team you better get the fuck out of this locker room right now," Aydin recalled him saying.

  "Now I know what they mean by going from the frying pan to the fire," he said.

  Soon after, he started dating a woman from a rival team who was African-American, to boot.

  "I was transcending gender, sexuality and racial expectations," he said.

  His coach told him to remain closeted, but he refused. He noticed his phone calls and mail being monitored, and he was prohibited from leaving campus. His scholarship was eventually revoked, the result of his coach's ploy to fail him in his public-speaking class (today, as a public speaker, Aydin appreciates the irony).

  He left Texas and found himself in Chico in January 1995.

  
  

  The first 12 months of testosterone: Aydin documented every step of his transition with YouTube video blogs, raw videos that feature him talking earnestly into the camera about emotional and physical changes during the first 12 months of his bodily transition. These screenshots were captured from those videos. Today, 138 videos remain on the site and Aydin continues to document his experiences. To view them all, visit his YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/33aydin.PHOTOS COURTESY OF AYDIN KENNEDY

  When Aydin decided to transition four years ago, he started by attending his first therapy session in the Bay Area. He continued to attend those $200 hour-and-a-half sessions, during which he was forced to regurgitate every life memory he could conjure up, every weekend for three months.

  During a routine drive, he occupied his time by changing his name on his voicemail greeting, and then playing it back to hear what it sounded like. He was somewhere near Emeryville when it clicked.

  "'Aydin' was like these two separate beings melded into one," he said. "And it felt like home to me."

  When he changed his name, he was not yet ready to tell his family about his impending transition. He avoided calling them for several months so his new name would not pop up on their caller-ID.

  But just days before his first testosterone injection, he had to travel home for a cousin's wedding.

  "I went up there knowing I might be saying goodbye to people I might never see again," he said. "I was stepping back into the past up there."

  He sat his parents down after the festivities and read them a letter outlining his experiences. He inserted the line, "I am here to tell you that I am your son."

  His parents sobbed.

  "The first thing my dad asked was, 'Does this mean we can't call you Sis anymore?'" Aydin said, referring to his dad's affinity for his childhood nickname. His father went to retrieve a tissue, and while he was gone Aydin's mother said she had "thought this might happen one day," an acknowledgement she refused to discuss further when his father re-entered the room.

  "I instantaneously threw them into a cycle of grief with no support," he said. His parents began attending therapy soon afterward, and the family unit lost touch for a few months, until his mother invited him on a trip to Disneyland with his grandmother. The three spent the weekend together, and Aydin and his mother began to reconnect.

  "They saw that the essence of who I was was still there," he said. His family, with the exception of his older brother, continues to support him, and he acknowledges the impact his transition continues to have on them.

  "My family has struggled as much as I have struggled. My family has journeyed as far as I have journeyed. And my family has hurt as much as I have hurt," he said.

  Christia's family has welcomed Aydin with open arms—including marching with him during the San Francisco Trans March last June—and was aware he had transitioned, but never knew him as a female.

  "We just came from this place of knowing that we're loved," he said, referring to his and Christia's wedding day, when their families came together to support them.

  
  

  Aydin documented every step of his transition on YouTube, a journey that started as a "watch me change" project and ended up becoming much more. In one of his early videos, in March 2008, he quips about his upcoming "super transgender weekend," a four-day period in April 2008 when he finalized his name-change in court, had his last appointment with his therapist, and had his surgical consultation.

  "I have been aware of my male identity for a long time, although I never really put words to it," he says in the video. He goes on to say he was active in the gay community for a while, "but all of the sudden it just wasn't working anymore. So I'm ready to do something about it, and I'm really excited about it. I'm really scared too, obviously."

  Aydin's videos, which feature him talking sincerely to the camera, are raw.

  "They're real, honest and vulnerable. I leave them up because they created an opportunity for me to step into the darkest corners of my being and have a conversation with myself," he said, calling the videos a sort of "published journal."

  As the videos progress, he has his chest surgery, and, lying on the hospital bed with a contented look of exhaustion in his eyes, the camera captures the first time his mirrored reflection depicted who he was on the inside.

  As time goes by, his soft facial features become more pronounced. He sits in front of the camera, shirtless and unabashedly showing his scars as well as new facial hair. He also marks the journey with a few new tattoos, including one on his abdomen that reads, "LIVE WITH INTENTION."

  In the videos, he candidly talks about the physical and emotional changes he's endured. As his testosterone injections progress, he notes emotional changes, how he "didn't care about stuff in the same way" and didn't know whether it was the hormones or simply life experience that caused those changes.

  Today, more than 130 of Aydin's videos remain on YouTube. They're just a few of the millions of videos transgender individuals from around the nation have uploaded to document their experiences.

  The Internet provided Aydin with 100 percent of his information, including how to locate doctors and navigate his transition emotionally and physically. The online transgender community also proved to be an integral source of support.

  "It was the only place where we could find each other," he said. "It was a secret way I could connect and get resources, and I didn't have to include anyone else in that process."

  
  

  In late April, Aydin will celebrate the three-year anniversary of his first testosterone injection. He will be required to inject the hormone for the rest of his life.

  So far, his medical bills have exceeded $20,000, none of which are covered by his insurance. The struggle to pay them is a constant reminder that he has been marginalized by the medical community.

  He is still learning social skills, especially with straight men, the same people he saw as his oppressors for so many years. He also struggles with his lack of place in the gay community.

  To help make sense of it all, Aydin leads a bimonthly transgender-support group at the Stonewall Alliance Center, among other efforts, and regularly speaks publicly in the Chico community about transgender issues.

  In retrospect, Chico was a relatively tolerant place to transition, but Aydin remains vigilant about his safety. Eventually, he would like to open a therapeutic practice that specializes in gender-specific and trans-related services, an area that he sees lacking in Chico. He's also working with a local doctor who recently decided to take steps to begin offering hormone treatments to trans individuals, a sign that Chico's climate is warming.

  Today, Aydin's appearance leads society to treat him as a man. It's been a big adjustment for him and the people he loves, and he still grieves the life he never lived—the children he will never biologically father, the boyhood he never had.

  "He said he considers it a gift that he has the opportunity to educate his peers—including his supporters and doctors—about the complicated experience of being transsexual.

  And while he considers his transition to still be a work in progress, he insists the decision saved his life.

  "[That's] because I am a man," he said. "I've always been male; my body just didn't tell you that story.

  
  Contact us about this story
  

• Lady Boy???

  Posted: February 10, 2011, 1:00 am by Lindsay

  Labels.
  I hate labels.
  

  Friday January 28, 2011New Thai airline hires transsexual stewardesses

  P.C. Air – a new airline in Thailand – has hired three transsexuals among its first batch of air hostesses, Sin Chew Daily reported.

  The successful candidates include Miss Tiffany Universe 2007 winner Thanyarat Jiraphatpakorn, 23.

  They will be given a "third sex name tag" while on duty to avoid immigration issues.

  Miss Tiffany Universe is the most popular beauty pageant contest for the community.

  It is an annual event held in Pattaya. (read more)

  Labels.
  Heard this story on Kiss 100 FM today morning on the Big Breakfast and I thought to myself, "what a nice thing to do". But then I was like, why specifically "transsexual"? Why even go further and say "lady boys"? Why not just say "transsexuals are also encouraged to apply" so that its a level playing field?
  Just a thought... you tell me
  
  XOXO

  
  

• 2010: My Best Year EVER!!!

  Posted: January 31, 2011, 7:52 am by Lindsay

  I just realised that the year has gone and I have not paid proper tribute to it.
  
  You have to realise that 2010 for me, was THE BEST YEAR of my life!!
  
  Lets just walk through it and we see.
  
  January was the time I finally went to the doctor to get checked, was worried about dealing with repercussions of transition.
  
  February came and I was moving, oh the drama! Then came the time I was worried about losing my job. Life in March was getting better.
  
  April was the month I had my Orchidectomy! In May there was me enjoying my life even more, and in June I blogged about my sexuality and about just how much my Mum means to me :)
  
  July and August passed... September saw me reminisce on the day I said "enough is enough", October came, November too and in December I met most of my family for the first time. What a day that was!
  
  And there it is. 2010 laid bare. And damn was it good! It saw the real me come out properly; like a blossoming flower, blooming and letting loose! Oh am so happy!!!
  
  So far so good. I am more and more thankful. Beyond being at peace with myself and I could never be any more grateful for this opportunity.
  
  My focus now is to see others in my position, or who are still wondering what,when,how,why,who and see if I can do something. Because I want this for someone else too.
  
  
  
  *XOXO*

• RIP: David Kato

  Posted: January 27, 2011, 6:08 am by Lindsay

  Its truly sad what has happened.
  May his soul rest in peace and may his fight and the fight of all Ugandan LGBTI rights defenders and all others in EA grow in heights. A martyr he has become.
  Ugandan Activist David Kato Murdered

  David Kato

  Human Rights Watch is calling on Uganda to promptly investigate the murder of David Kato, a prominent lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) activist working for Sexual Minorities Uganda (SMUG). A man entered David's home today and assaulted him with a hammer. He died on the way to hospital. David was on the front cover of the Rolling Stone tabloid with the headline "hang them." David was one of the plaintiffs in the successful lawsuit against the Rolling Stone.
  
  Read More ...
  
  XOXO
  

• Musings...

  Posted: January 16, 2011, 2:43 am by Lindsay

  I wonder if there is any girl, trans girl, out there, who likes the word "shemale". Why would you want to be called that? Or even "tranny". I don't like the words. I think they're derogatory. They're just wrong. Why would anyone want to always keep reminding me of the fact that I grew up male? Isn't it torturous enough just walking around with something hanging to always remind you? Then you come with your words to make the wound more sore?

  
  

  I am still wondering about whether to tell or not. One of the things that are making me wonder is me asking myself, does it matter?

  
  

  Does it matter? I ask that simply because I wonder if your view of me will change just because I I have "something different" from other girls. I wonder if your intentions of knowing me were even genuine. Or maybe you're just curious. But really, should it matter?

  
  

  Here I am, trying hard to just be without being reminded constantly of this cross I carry, and yes its going well and am confident in my skin, but please, it is indeed harder when I have to reveal my medical history every now and then.

  
  

  
  

  I think that's something I've been keeping in mind for quite sometime now and I do know that I have written about it quite often.

  
  

  On a lighter note, I am happy about the progress my body is taking. In April it will be a year since I had the surgery and began taking hormones (which reminds me, someone accused me of being addicted to hormones... I wonder why he said that. Hmm.. anyway..).

  
  

  I was curvy before I started, but a few months down the line, my hips broadened and I've noticed my waist getting smaller and smaller. Now, my boobs are larger and are getting fuller. I no longer use enhancers! That for me is am milestone.

  
  

  I stopped worrying about my image and appearance a while back. I still do worry about it now and then, and the one thing that keeps reminding me of this, actually two, is that I still shave and I still have that lump. 

  
  

• Happy New Year!!

  Posted: January 3, 2011, 9:42 am by Lindsay

  Its a brand new year! Got so much I want achieved this year! Can't wait to get it on with..
  
  
  
  Its been 8 months now... from when this happened! I'm so excited.
  
  One of the things am looking at closely is this. So by April I should have progressed more! Yay!
  
  Life is sweet. I don't take it for granted not one bit! I am forever thankful.
  
  Its good to be me. To be truly me. I like the way (though not so much a good thing) my friend tells me "you're such a girl".. makes me smile....
  
  Anyway, I'm still here... still alive... still smiling... still pretty (apparently).... and still.....
  
  ME!!
  
  
  XOXO

• Yeah... Boys Again!

  Posted: December 26, 2010, 2:35 am by Lindsay

  I can't believe this.
  
  I just can't believe am blogging about the same issues all over again. Maybe written in a different way but still, its the same thing.
  
  BOYS.
  
  You know, the sad part is that I am in a relationship. A good one at that. And no, its not that the relationship is on the rocks or anything, quite contrary actually, its amazing. Its the sad fact that I, being oh so monogamous n all, can't and won't cheat on my M. I won't. I can't.
  
  Yet the temptation is always there. Always. And it keeps increasing.
  
  Sometimes I feel like am gonna do something about it... like become ugly or something.... just to avoid boys getting interested in me..... but then there is that fear that if I do that M will not be happy.... though he should be into me for me and not for how I look like.... then again, .. argh! Sucks!!
  
  I know, I know... this is the usual stuff (most) girls go through. Sometimes I think I'm too nice. Or something close to that.
  
  But I am left to wonder.... when I see my friends and peers... and hear all the stuff they go through.... and how they don't hold onto a relationship for long... because they're always cheating n stuff.... I always find it interesting... how someone can do that..... you know... sleep with several people within a span of a few months.. or even weeks. I can't do that. I honestly can't.
  
  Yet that's the least of my worries. I said I've mentioned this before. I feel so bad. Because I'm meeting new people all the time and I'm always wondering when or whether at all to tell them about "my medical history" (as Bree on 'TransAmerica' puts it). And its more for the guys who (obviously) are into me. It gets hard. And let me just go on ranting because this will help me (and maybe someone else out there) figure it out..
  
  Anyway... lets see.. I will know what to do..
  
  
  XOXO
  
  Merry Christmas and Boxing Day to you all!!

• TESTING TESTING 123...

  Posted: December 17, 2010, 12:13 pm by Lindsay

  Hey there.

  Just testing how I can keep y'al updated via phone. Lets see how it goes!

  
  XOXO

  ----------
  Sent from my Nokia phone

• My Family Reunion

  Posted: December 3, 2010, 9:28 am by Lindsay

  
  Our family had a reunion of sorts recently and I was invited. Yes I was! Here's what happened.
  
  10.00 am – Too scared...
  
  I was extremely nervous. I didn't know what to do, whether to show up or not. I was freaking out so much! EVERYONE was going to be there! And guess where it would be taking place.... my relative's place. Yea, her. Later on you'll see that she's getting there. My grandparents were there too. Yes, one of them who wanted to tear up this article when it was shown to them.
  
  2.00 pm – Sh!t am gonna be late!
  
  I was supposed to be there by then! I'm still so so far, stuck in traffic and to make matters worse, our roads ministry decides to do repairs on our road! Bummer!!
  
  4.00 pm – Sh!t am so so late!
  
  Damn! I'm 2 hrs late. Even the food's finished and some people are already getting tipsy! Oh! I walk in and I see one of my smaller relatives. She's like 4 or 5 and this was the first time she sees me. “You look like Leo with make-up on” she remarks.. this would go on the whole time I'm there. I couldn't help not feeling sorry for her. I just wished it was easier breaking it down for her.
  
  Soon am in and my mum sees me and her face lights up. She's overly excited to see me. I later learn that she was very anxious and worried that I wouldn't make it, that Id develop cold feet. She introduces me to everyone. Gosh! There's like 20 people here! Oh how am I gonna handle this? Such thoughts cross my mind. Some of them couldnt stop staring at me. Some of them embrace me, the ones who've met me before and are supportive. I am such a blessed girl. So so blessed. No one was offensive. Not even my grandparent! What more could I ask for?
  
  The boys...
  
  I meet the boys. They're seated outside since the women and children are inside. Quite a very African type setting where women sit over some tea and biscuits inside and watch tv as they exchange life stories while the men sit outside over beer and spirit bottles talking about who scored and what game is next...such stuff.
  
  So I go outside to the boys. They stare. The good thing is that a quarter of them don't know me and another quarter don't remember me. The rest are family. They know me. Just hadn't met me. I'm all tense. Ever since I stepped in I've been so tense! I greet them, exchange pleasantries and get to know the newbies. They're family too, I learn. I can see my family finding it hard to introduce me to them but luckily they don't slip on the name thing. They say it so well. I almost shed a tear or two; in my head I'm like “Why me? This is so surreal! Never expected this”.
  
  Back inside we start chatting with the rest of the women. I can see my relative, yea her, she tells me she's happy to see me. I'm surprised. She continues to say that its gonna take her time, a long time to get round to it but she's happy I'm happy. I tell her she can take all the time she needs. She still has an issue with the name. Still difficult letting go and using the new one. I can see she's trying but she's struggling. I understand we're wired differently and people do things the way it feels best and right for them. I can't blame her. I can never do that.
  
  Too Many Questions.....
  
  I meet a long lost friend of a relative; practically family too. This would be the first time he meets me. Hes dumbfounded. The first time he vehemently denies that I am the same person he knew two years ago. (he was out of the country). We sit and talk and I explain to him everything from start to end. I promise to give him more literature to help him understand. I can see he's also quite mesmerised by everything and can't believe his eyes. Its not something easily understood in matter of minutes. But he's okay with it and even compliments me on my beauty. I am thankful, I tell him. Thankful that I am more than blessed. Later on, after some drinks, I talked to my male relative who was also finding it hard to grasp things. And we agreed that more sharing was to be done. Probably another family gathering!
  
  
  *****
  
  It was a good day. Best of all is that they're supportive. I am overly amazed. More than amazed!! I cannot say just how much I am thankful to the Almighty!!!! I have absolutely no words to describe it.
  
  
  
  
  
  *XOXO*

• Getting Hit On

  Posted: November 26, 2010, 3:33 am by Lindsay

  One of the nice things about being me, being myself, is that I now get hit on more than before. Oh yes, if you've read my blog, you've seen that I acually was being hit on by guys before, and the occasional girl (eek!).
  
  But this also comes with a price. Let me break it down in two ways.
  
  1. When I get hit on by a guy am not interested in – Nairobi girl thought process.
  
  Here definitlely the first thought that pops into my head is “What the eff are you trying? You really think you got game? You ain't got nothing on me!” That's what I think. Because honestly, I ain't interested. And this happens mostly in matatu rides! A guy (usually the kange (slang for conductor)) looks at me and goes “Wawawawaaa si ur hot! So do you mind giving me your digits?” Okay, seriously? This guy, who is clearly way off my radar, off my 'is-hot' scale, things he's got a chance with me. And even then, that I will just smile and say “07....” and voila! Is he effing serious?? It doesn't make sense to me at all!!
  
  
  
  2. When I get hit on by a guy I am interested in – Trans girl thought process.
  
  Now this is the hard part. I meet a guy, maybe in the club or something. And he's smokin hot! And more so, he's approaching me!! Then he asks for my number or to buy me a drink or something. Do you know what the first thing that pops into my mind is?
  
  “OMG! Now what am I gonna tell him? When will I tell him am trans? How will he take it? OMG he's totally gonna hate me and tell everyone He's totally gona squirm and never talk to me again! Uh!! HUH!!!”
  
  Yea. Quite frustrating ainnit? Bah! I am yet to cross this hurdle.
  
  But see, lemme confess, I have met guys who I thought were quite something and I was into them. Then definitely met with the same dilemma of when or whether to tell them about my past/situation. And I have told them and they were okay with it. I wonder why. I've always wanted to know what goes on in their mind when they meet someone like me. What do they think when they discover I'm not exactly what they (might have) pictured in their minds? What is it that tells them its okay? Fine, its a good thing that they are accepting, in fact, its amazing! I'm not questioning that, am merely trying to know how it feels like on their side. You know, being straight and especially being sorta off ish on gay men and then along comes me, with what I have 'down there'. Lets face it people, its a curious thing. Is it easier when what you see face value helps to ignore, in a way, what's lying underneath? Is that it? Please note, I'm not in anyway questioning why men are attracted to me, am merely poking questions. I'm trying to let your minds wander. Don't you wonder?
  
  Curious isn't it?
  
  *XOXO*

• Family Woes

  Posted: November 25, 2010, 6:16 am by Lindsay

  I love my Mum. Y'all know that by now. We talk/chat/text etc every day and we're like sisters (very true!). I can't at all say how much she means to me. She's my rock. She means the world to me. And she knows that. Its just that I never know how exactly to express my love/gratitude/happiness/joy/peace/understanding etc to her. I simply have no words. Everytime someone tells me "You're very lucky, you know that?" and I respond "I know..." I feel like its a brag statement. Or an 'I-don't-care' statement. Or like indifferent in a way. No, when I say "I know" I truly mean that. As in, I know, but I'm still amazed.
  
  Not many mothers are like that. I am indeed, truly, blessed to have you mom.
  
  
  
  Now, the harder part is getting to be 'okayed' by the rest of the family. I don't have siblings so the only other family I have is my extended family. My cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents - all from my mother's side of the family. Its taking time to have them understand me and know me (this new me) better and see that I'm no different than the old me....if anything, I'm far far better.
  
  I gotta admit, I miss my aunt. I miss my grandparents. I really, truly, wish they'd understand me & embrace me. I truly wish they'd see that I'm not brainwashed. That I'm a happier, better person now more than ever. Its been a while (like almost a year) since I last saw my grandmum and I feel I will be seeing her soon. I am kinda worried about how she will take me, how she will treat me, how she will relate with me. I'm just worried. But I am strong. I shall remain strong. And take it on as it comes. I shall await and see how it goes. I believe it won't be bad. I know it won't.
  
  She'll be fine.
  
  
  *XOXO*

• ISIS KING: I See Myself In Her

  Posted: November 16, 2010, 6:10 am by Lindsay

  In as much as there are tons of transgender persons to emulate in the world, there is one woman that has always stood out for me.
  Isis King.
  
  Her life has always been an inspiration to me. I remember watching the videos on YouTube of her being interviewed by Tyra Banks (who is also a huge inspiration to me) and getting teary at how much her life is similar to mine. Its amazing. She talks of how she feels of her **** and I can't agree more. I really can't. And that's just but one of the things that she talks of in her interview(s) with Tyra that just make me all teary and smile and hope.
  
  When she was told that she's going to be sponsored by Tyra and Marci Bowers to have her surgery done, I only had one thing in mind: I wish the same would happen to me.
  
  Go to YouTube and check out the videos. I swear, I would sound the same if it were me!
  
  
  *XOXO*

• The Usual

  Posted: November 15, 2010, 8:13 am by Lindsay

  On Saturday 20th November I shall have clocked 7 Months since I began taking hormones (properly) and since I had my surgery. If you've not been following, look at my first month's post, the second and the fifth month. Quite something! Its exciting news for me. (Funny, they look like those stuff people say at AA meetings haha!)
  Apparently, and I have said this before, I am not as anonymous as I'd want to be. So all ye who know me, thanks for the support. Its always good to have you all around, and do keep the anonymity, its important for me to know its still there, real or not. Its no worries. I am hoping for the best. All the ones who have beef with me (and/or people like me) I am sorry you feel that way. My advice? Pray for me. I really want to walk on golden streets.
  Again, I sincerely want to thank everyone who follows my life (following my blog is following my life! *creepy*). It makes me happy to know that y'all have a better understanding about a girl who is transgender and living in Kenya. It makes me happy to know that my few posts here and there have made a considerable mark in the Kenyan blogosphere and all other internet arenas.
  And on that note, it isn't that weird right? You know, I am not weird? People always look at you like "OMG how is it?" and in my head am like "dude(tte) - its not all that! am just simple... a Kenyan girl who happens to have small boobs and a d***.
  Something else on my mind is that I seriously want, no, need to go for electrolysis! Or was it laser hair removal? Anyway, you get my drift. While I have somehow gotten used to shaving my face every 2-3 days (dread!), everytime I do it I remind myself that I do need to go do it. Sadly, it costs money and am not yet prepared. I also am at a point where I am shifting focus in other angles and I shall need the money there.
  Last thing, the "I am an alien" status has not changed yet. Its dragging on and on and quite frankly am reaching boiling point. But not to worry, I shall wait.
  Patience pays. I learnt.
  
  

• Soon And Very Soon

  Posted: November 12, 2010, 8:25 am by Lindsay

  Thought I should tell you that as the days go by, this blog is becoming harder and harder to maintain. But not to worry, the time will come when it shall be relevant again.
  Things are changing. I am shifting focus to other things. But they definitely will change.
  Just a note.
  
  *XOXO*
  

• Just Thought I'd Say...

  Posted: November 5, 2010, 10:50 am by Lindsay

  
  

• Sex Life? Haha!

  Posted: October 26, 2010, 12:14 pm by Lindsay

  i know i said i will share my sex life at one point but err... am kinda shy!! don't blame me! its my background! okay maybe am just giving an excuse. but seriously, some things here in kenya are a clear taboo! and err... lemme not mention this.
  i will say this though, i so so wish i could get that surgery soon. there are these days when am thinking to myself how it would feel to have a vajayjay (as tyra calls it!) how it would feel to put your finger in it (gai!) or even have that special someone put his nini in it! hehe... am just being honest here.... these are my thoughts. ive been curious all the way and am still curious. i still hate that thing hanging hanging there and sometimes i do wish i could pick that scissors and *snip*!
  
  besides all that, am okay. sex is good. like any other couple, we have our highs and lows. .... and i know one of the reasons why am not so comfortable writing this is because i know my mom is reading this! i digress.. ... getting back to focus.. as i was saying, we have highs and lows. we are both busy people and very busy at that but somehow we still get to fulfil one another. 
  something i know ive mentioned before, is that my libido went tumbulu! it went down. sometimes i think that this is a major contributor of why ... naah! its not. lemme not even mention it... that man is something else! i digress again....
  
  so. i have opened even more up. if you know me, dare you mention this to my face! 
  
  *XOXO*
  

• Global Voices Online Interviews Lindsay

  Posted: October 19, 2010, 3:07 am by Lindsay

  I have just been told of this post by Haute Haiku of The Gay-Kafe Kenya.
  
  
  Kenya: My Life as a Transgender Girl in KenyaPosted 18 October 2010Written byHaute Haiku

  Countries	Kenya
  Topics	Gender, Human Rights, LGBT
  Languages	English

  Lindsay is a transgendered woman living in Kenya who shares her life and her journey to womanhood on her blogLiving Lindsay- My life as a transgender girl in Kenya. She describes herself as “I'm a normal girl with not-so-normal traits. I am transgender, or transsexual if you like.”This is going to be her sixth month since her surgery and she feels that she is more at ease with her life than before. Her main goal is to educate the public on transgender issues in Kenya by answering questions from the public about her journey on her blog.  She has blogged about her surgery orchidectomy, blogging and challenges she has to go through; violent encounters, how she had to move houses and her struggle with her identification documents. Her story has also been highlighted in one of the Kenyan daily newspaper and she hopes that she will make a difference in the Kenyan society.I recently interviewed Lindsay about her transitional journey, blogging and other issues relating to transgender community in Kenya and Africa.Question: What inspired you to start a blog?
  Answer: At the time, I felt I needed to share out my views, rant, have a place to be free and talk about my thoughts feelings and stuff. It was the perfect place where I could be myself without hiding. I also thought I could reach out to others like me and learn from them.Q: For how long have you been blogging?
  A: The blog has been operational for the last two years. My first post is dated May 2008. That's when I started.Q: What is the life of transgendered person in Kenya?
  A: That's not an easy question. We are different. Some of us have it easy (like me) and some of us have it rough. I for one was blessed enough to have the support of most of my family including my Mother, to have a source of income which enables me to purchase hormones and undergo surgery (Bilateral Orchidectomy) and simply survive. Others do not have this. Some of us have had to become sex workers so as to have a livelihood. Most of us, because of family pressure, lack of finances and other factors, still live in their assigned sexes (for example a trans man still living as a woman) and therefore is still suffering within. Others because of fear of stigma, cannot do anything.In general, if you are discovered to be transgender, the likelihood of you being stigmatized, harassed, discriminated against, beaten up, ridiculed, publicly undressed to see what you have between your legs and the worst of all, corrective raped is high. Sometimes even such violations are done by the very peopled entrusted with the power to protect us, i.e. the police. Even more disheartening, is that the government has little policies and laws that assist the transgendered person in Kenya and. What's there is that police use laws such as “impersonation” to harass and jail trans persons.Q: What drove the desire for your  transition? When did you start journey?
  A: I consider myself a woman. I wanted to look like one. The way I felt I was, who I felt I was. This was my desire. To be me. Both inside and out. I hated pretending to be something I wasn't.I began transitioning about a year ago in September 2009. The process is not easy. At first, because of my physical appearance, it was extremely difficult to convince people that I was female. In fact, one of the incidences I had was in a hotel where I wanted to use the ladies and this guard forcefully stopped me asking me why I was going into the ladies room and saying “Are you a girl?” repeatedly. Luckily I was saved by one of the hotel employees. I came to understand later that the said employee had previously worked in South Africa and hence was exposed to such scenarios.After months of struggling and intake of hormones, my appearance improved and it was hard to detect that I was previously male-looking. I was excited. Later on I managed to book for an appointment with a surgeon to undergo Bilateral Orchiectomy. This in lay terms is a castration – the removal of the testes. I did this because one, I needed to save up on cost of reducing testosterone levels in my body and the elimination of testes meant that I produced virtually no testosterone, and two, I felt that it would not be a problem to have them anyway, if anything, I'd be happier without them. To me they were a nuisance. I still haven't done the main GRS as it is costly and am not yet prepared for it. Also, to have it done in Kenya is a big problem and people who have attempted before have faced numerous challenges that have proved futile.Q: When did you learn that you are a transgender other than gay or any other labels that would be stamped on you?
  A: I discovered I was different when I was about 4 years old. I knew that something wasn't right. Something about my gender. Back then I didn't know what it was. Until later in life when I was in high school and was introduced to internet and discovered the word GID (gender identity disorder). Before then, I knew about gays, but I knew that that didn't describe what I felt/was.Q: You have a post on your blog that says “I don't exist” clarify on that. What problems does a trans person  go through in Africa.A: I wrote that post in lamentation for the bare fact that, while I do have an identity card, it is in a name that I do not use, that I cannot use and that I refuse to use. Again, it has a picture of someone who does not even remotely look like me. Therefore, even if I tell someone that that is my ID card, they'd hardly believe me.Also, getting a new identity card with my new name is not allowed. The current laws might allow for change of name but they don't allow for change of sex. In addition, that change of name is rarely approved if it is clearly a change from a male name to a female name or vice versa. This is why I termed myself “an alien”.Q: How do you feel now that now that you have gone through your surgery gender reassignment surgery? What do you friends and family think?A: Let me clarify that I have not undergone GRS yet. What I had is a castration.Considering the reasons why I did so, my supporting family & friends have no problem with it, although the question of whether I wanted to have offspring came up often. I told them I didn't mind not having kids from my own blood/sperm for the bare fact that the means (of having the baby) would not be acceptable to me.Q: How has your  life changed now that you are a transgender woman?A: I am a happier more fulfilled person now. I feel rejuvenated, I feel happy practically daily and living now for me has more meaning. I am much much better than I was a year ago.Q: How would you describe LGBT blogosphere in Africa?A: Africa has few LGBTI bloggers (yes, people tend to forget the “I” yet they are part of it!) but the ones I have seen actually help improve the image of lgbti persons in society. I have heard people tell me that their views have changed simply because they read something on my blog or on some other lgbti's blog. I actually hope to see more and more lgbti bloggers out there and even more specific, have a intersex person share their livelihood, challenges and joys with us so as to learn more and increase our tolerance levels.Q: Has blogging helped in communicating LGBT issues in Kenya, what is the progress?A: Yes. I think a lot has changed and by people reading blogs from lgbti persons, more awareenss is created. There are many many blogs out there being published daily and I feel that this has helped. One blogger friend called me the first Kenyan transgender blogger and I feel so honored. I am happy thay through my blogging, many have learnt a lot about trans persons and the pink community in general.Q: What do you think about the future of blogging concerning LGBTs?A: I think the future now needs to shift into more personal issues. Considering that awareenss is being increased every day, word about such blogs needs to be out there more. The only problem is that there are less ‘out' or visible bloggers and that anonymity poses a certain detriment.By Haute Haiku · Posted 18 October 2010

• Fine!

  Posted: October 14, 2010, 5:01 am by Lindsay

  OK. Fine. Am not going anywhere. And yes am gonna write more. I've gotten enough support. But let me warn you though, it ain't easy. You know, updating n stuff. But am gonna try.

  
  

  Hope I ain't sounding ish ish. Its just that, as Monica Roberts (a regular reader n commenter of this blog) said, its tough figuring out the balance. How much to reveal, how much to hide. Coz with all honesty I cant be yapping about my life here...as in eeevrything! No can do! Siwesimek! (slang for I can't make it – realised that I need to be translating such considering I have readers from all over the world!)

  
  

  
  

  So, as Amy, Sinia and Monica said in commenting on my last post, one way to know how it is to live in Kenya is by reading my blog. Cool! I'm gonna try. (I said that already!)

  
  

  So, last thing before I off, remember when I said I was off my meds, well I discovered that my teeny booblets had reduced!!! Imagine! I was so so shocked. So lesson learnt. Do not not take your meds. Its a matter of life and death! (for the boobs that is!). While we are on the topic, why am I talking boobs alone? Why am I even mentioning body aspects? First reason that pops into mind is because well, boobs are the true definition of womanhood. No, that does not mean that all women (even those identifying as) have to have boobs. It simply means that, for me, boobs = womanhood, atleast for the look. The reason am saying this is because sometimes there are women without boobs and men with boobs. So basically it boils down to how you identify yourself and what fits best for you.

  
  

  Hopefully tomorrow or next week I shall tell something little about my oh so boring sex life!

  
  

  
  

  
  

  *XOXO* (p.s. am not mimicking gossip-girl! she copied me!!!)

  
  

• I Know I Don't Post Much Nowadays...

  Posted: October 12, 2010, 1:08 pm by Lindsay

  ... but please fogive me.
  
  or better yet, why don't you comment and ask me what you'd like to know.
  could be fun right?
  
  you...
  asking me...
  stuff...
  me....
  answering them...
  you know...
  fun!
  okay... maybe am tryna fill up space so it doesn't really look so so short.
  but am easy.. except for the fact that im still gettin 'em hot flashes here and there. and then again
  my nipples are still sensitive (what am i writing????) but its true. so i find myself wanting to scratch.. then i don't do so because i donno who's looking (been there?) its soo frustrating.
  do you know that in ten days it will be the 6th month since i had my surgery n took em hormones? 
  but something i dont like.. is that the bubs are still so so far. i know, i know, the period has been put as a minimum of two years. am nice like that, informing u n stuff.
  but seriously, si u ask me anything? or better yet, chambua this blog!
  
  
  *XOXO*

• Darn Hot Flashes!

  Posted: October 8, 2010, 8:35 am by Lindsay

  i was off my progynova pills for a while... about four days. 
  
  HOT FLASHES came to me! i'd get them at odd times. all of a sudden i feel so so hot its like am right in a furnace! jeez! thats not a nice thing to feel. 
  i bought my pills again though. they are quite expensive you know. spending about Ksh.1,200 ($15) per month is no joke. not like i can't afford it, its just that i had stuff to do with the cash and needed it. then the prices were fluctuating and i being the economic one wanted to save the buck!
  my deed poll is not yet through. need cash to pay the lawyer. but am hoping things go well. hopefully by end of month or mid next month i shall have it and eventually apply for a passport. i don't have one yet.
  life is good. am really enjoying it. don't worry. someday i shall be able to share even more about my not-so-amazing life!
  
  *XOXO*
  

• Boy Oh Girl!

  Posted: October 4, 2010, 2:41 am by Lindsay

  A friend asked me why I don't post anymore.
  
  Know what? I didn't have an answer. All I had were excuses. Oh this oh that.
  
  But the main reason (the one I feel fits best) is that I no longer feel anonymous. I like the anonymity. Unless I convert the blog to be more public, more me, it just cant work. The only way it will (as I think) is
  
  if Lindsay came out.
  
  How is that gonna be? How am I gonna handle it? These are some of the questions I keep asking myself day in day out.
  
  More importantly, how is my decision to come out (publicly)(internet-ly) gonna be? Because, then, people will know me, how I look, who I interact with and so on.
  
  One thing I know is that somewhere in the future, be it in weeks, months or even days, I will be in the public limelight. There is a gap in activism that I feel I should join. And my colleagues also feel the same. But these are questions I'm battling with.
  
  How will my family take it?
  
  How will my 'friend' take it? Will he leave me just to avoid public scorn? And if he does leave, will I be able to find another? Or will I be able to remain single?
  
  How will my friends (those who don't know about my condition) take it? Will they abandon me?
  
  How will I take it? Will I be able to handle whatever publicity that will be thrown at me? Will I be able to lead the same lifestyle I have now? Will it still be the same? Will it be better?
  
  How will the public take it? Will they do something to me? Will my landlord chase me away? Will I be encouraged? Will I be scorned?
  
  So so many questions. One thing I don't like doing is saying out loud that something bad will happen to me. Because I feel that in some way, you attract it to yourself. But I refuse that. I refuse to believe that completely.
  
  As for now, I wait. I hope. I believe.
  
  Ciao friends.
  
  *XOXO*

• 20th September: Five Months Later...

  Posted: September 22, 2010, 3:35 am by Lindsay

  Its been err.. 5 months since I had my surgery and began taking hormones! Gosh! 5 months. What's changed??
  Nothing much! Don't be disappointed.
  Physically nothing much has changed. I don't need to spell it out.
  Life is as is... going about well... since the story was published on the newspaper my visibility has increased..... I guess... I aint as anonymous as I thought I'd be... but... anywany...
  That's practically it. Nothing much as I said.
  And yes...
  Its a good thing! I like this! Am happy... am thankful.... am grateful... things are good... and you know what? 
  I feel like this!!!
  
  THIS WAS THE IDEA!!! This is why... I doubt if I'd be this happy if I hadn't made that decision about a year and 18 days ago to take up that new job. I wouldn't.... its been a year since I began transitioning. A year from 7th September 2009. That's when Lindsay came out and said "enough is enough!"!!
  
  And as I always say, "Live and Let Live!"
  
  
  *XOXO*
  

• Getting Harder By The Day

  Posted: August 30, 2010, 9:40 am by Lindsay

  nothing much happening. would wanna update y'all, but somehow things are not going as planned.
  
  but not to worry. maybe i will bounce back.
  
  you never know.
  
  for now, this short post will do.
  
  (update) lets just say am gone on sabbatical.

• Free to live as a woman, at last [Daily Nation 18th August]

  Posted: August 18, 2010, 3:08 am by Lindsay

  On today's paper, my story appears.
  
  
  Free to live as a woman, at lastIllustration by JOHN NYAGA | Story thanks to Daily Nation Living MagazineBy MARYANNE W. WAWERU
  Posted Tuesday, August 17 2010 at 08:49IN SUMMARYLindsay, a 22-year-old transsexual raised as a man, shares her hopes and fears about her decision to live as a woman
  
  “Today, I’m living my life the way I was meant to,” Lindsay* begins.
  Born male and named Leo*, Lindsay had lived all her life as a man.Then, in September last year, she began her journey to womanhood.Recalling her feelings of being “trapped” in the wrong body she says, “I remember playing with dolls and other girlie toys.I hated boyish toys. I also remember secretly trying on some of my mother’s clothes, shoes and make up.I especially loved walking in her high heels. Emotionally, I felt like a girl,” recalls the finance assistant with a local NGO.Perturbed by Leo’s behaviour, his mother gave him a serious tongue-lashing. “I felt sad because I couldn’t understand why she was angry with me, yet I was only behaving naturally,” Lindsay explains.Afraid that she might have had too much “feminine” influence on him, Leo’s mother took him to a mixed boarding school in Standard Four.But that did not help.“I associated with girls and enjoyed spending time with them. The boys teased me for being ‘one of the girls’ but I didn’t mind.I enjoyed girlie talk and games, and felt like one of them,” offers the 22-year-old.Come puberty, Leo was a late bloomer. “While my peers were breaking their voices, developing broad shoulders and growing beards, I remained baby-faced, smooth-skinned and had a high-pitched voice.Worse still, I had a feminine gait. But when I was 13, I started getting attracted to boys,” she recalls.
  Leo’s new feelings both scared and confused him, so he sought refuge in religion and became born-again. “I spent endless days and nights begging God to make me normal, but my feelings remained unchanged, and the stress sent me into a depression.”After completing primary education, the Nairobi-bred Leo joined a boy’s boarding secondary school in Central Province where, thanks to his effeminacy, he was nicknamed ‘kasupuu’ (pretty girl) shortly after admission.“I did not engage in aggressive sports and instead preferred interactive activities such as acting, dancing and singing.I joined the school choir and drama club, where I was always given female roles, which came to me naturally so I did not need to act,” Lindsay recalls of her secondary school days.Leo’s attraction to boys never ceased, and Lindsay confesses to having engaged in relationships with one or two boys while in high school.
  When he mentioned this attraction to his mother, she dismissed it, saying that, as an only child of a single parent, he liked boys because he lacked a father figure. “But I knew this was not true because I was not gay,” Lindsay offers.While in high school, Leo resolved to stop living as a man and began searching the Internet for information on his predicament.
  “It is thanks to this research that I learnt that there were many other people like me.Better still, I learnt that I could do something about it, that I could actually become a woman. That’s when I decided to transition,” she explains
  But he could not find a way to tell his mother. “Every time I thought of telling my mum, my heart skipped several beats.I did not want to shock her or break her heart because we were very close. She is a conservative person and although she knew there was something unusual about me, she had not heard of transitioning.”After completing high school, Leo wrote a four-page letter to his mother, placed it on her bed and left for his grandparents home in the village, where he spent an agonising two weeks.“Waiting for her reaction made me extremely anxious,” Lindsay recalls.
  But when Leo returned to Nairobi, her reaction surprised him: “You are my child. We will go through thistogether.But you have to complete college before you start transitioning.”
  It was a great relief for Leo. “I was elated. Knowing that I had her support encouraged me and I could now move forward with confidence.As a result, I intensified my research on transsexuality and transitioning,” recalls Lindsay.
  Finally, after completing a two-year course in July last year, Leo embarked on his journey to womanhood.He changed his name to Lindsay and began dressing up like a woman. “I shopped for dresses, shoes and make up.My mother and other male-to- female transsexuals (MTF) helped me.”At the same time, Lindsay started taking anti-androgen pills to reduce the levels of testosterone in her body in preparation for a bilateral orchiectomy (removal of the testicles). The operation reduced the production of the male hormone, testosterone.Immediately thereafter, she began taking a daily does of estrogen pills, which she bought over the counter at Sh74 per dose, for four months, until December last year. The effects are already showing.“My breasts are slowly growing and my nipples have become more sensitive. My skin is now smoother, and my facial hair has significantly decreased. I have also noticed that my waist is getting smaller while my hips are broader,” she says.The change is not just physical. “I’m calmer and more at peace. I hear I will be moody and emotional but I have yet to feel that so I’ve developed a wait-and-see attitude.”Lindsay has also experienced hot flushes and mood swings, the side-effects of the operation.
  “Although hot flushes are not the best of feelings, having them reassures me of my femininity!” she says, adding that her libido has, however, declined.Notably, Lindsay has just come out of a relationship with a man. And since the operation, it is now much easier to hide her remaining male genitalia. “I now worry less when wearing short skirts since I do not feel as uncomfortable as I used to,” she says.Her greatest dilemma regarding relationships remains whether and when to tell her partner about her condition. “It worries me when I meet a man who wants to since I can’t hide my past from him. I’m scared of his possible reaction if he learns the truth.”But she hopes a day will come when she will not have to agonise over breaking the news to a potential lover without him hitting the roof.
  “I couldn’t be happier,” says Lindsay 10 months after she began transitioning.But she needs a sex reassignment surgery (SRS) to complete her transition. SRS, also known as gender reassignment surgery (GRS) involves surgical alteration of the genitalia. Lindsay says she has not been able to undergo the operation because of the cost — between Sh600,000 and 800,000 — and local doctors’ reluctance to do it.“A friend once tried to have it done locally but no doctor would do it, although it had been recommended by a psychiatrist, approved by her family and she could afford it.”Lindsay, once an active church member who even sang in the choir, says she has not been there since she started living as a woman.Although she misses their company and fellowship, she believes most will condemn her, hence her decision to stay away.She hopes to join another church, where the members do not know about her past.
  Despite such inconveniences, Lindsay is ecstatic. “It feels great to live as a woman.It is not something people understand easily, but when I compare my life now with what it was like before I began transitioning, I must say I’m living a happy and fulfilling life,” she enthuses.Any plans to have children?
  “I love children, but since I cannot have any of my own, I would be very happy to adopt.”LINDSAY SAYS HER mother, though still of coming to terms with her transition, remains her closest companion.
  “For 21 years my mother was called ‘Mama Leo’, but this now has to change to ‘Mama Lindsay’.It is not easy for her and I understand. I’m just grateful that she supports me, giving me some of her clothes and offering me fashion tips.She attends educative seminars and related functions with me.She is a great mum but I have to give her time and space to fully deal with the situation.”
  Reactions from her extended family have been mixed. “Some have accepted my decision, some are trying to deal with it, yet others have rejected me outright. I’ve realised that even those who seem to be understanding feel uneasy when I’m around them.Others are angry and disappointed, saying I made the wrong move, that I’m too young, that I rushed into it, that this could have been somehow avoided, that I spat in God’s face.Some have suggested that I be taken to a certain evangelist because I’m possessed by demons and need to be exorcised”.
  Lindsay says she avoids friends who knew her as Leo for fear that they migh not accept her.“We live in a society that does not easily embrace new ideas, especially those that have to do with sexuality, and this is something I have to deal with. I fear that Leo’s friends will not accept me and my decision to transition.”
  
  

  I sure hope this makes some form of difference in the Kenyan Society.

  
  
  *XOXO*

• Dilemma, Dilemma, Dilemma!

  Posted: August 16, 2010, 7:27 am by Lindsay

  i have a new dilemma.
  i have shared out this blog to most of my close friends and relatives and now most of them follow it religiously, i guess to know more about my life and its ups and downs.
  problem is, i am no longer anonymous!
  there are certain things id like to shed off but i simply can. i dont want those "haiya" looks coming from them when i meet them *sigh*
  wish it were easier aki. truly do.
  nowadays all i write is short posts with paragraphs of about one or two sentences tops. is it fair? i dont think so.
  here is a solution to this particular paragraph. i will mix it up. no breaking it down. let it flow. lets see how it goes. i dont write much so i guess the sentences will be short. someone said you can actually write about virtually anything. oh and one thing popped into my head. is there a similarity between my two blogs? can one who follows both be able to see that this is one and the same person even if i (try to) write about completely different things on both? can they? 
  reminds me again. i met a new trans girl. shes sweet. tall slender and has hips! omg! that was crazy! coz she's all androgynous and one can't really tell if she's a he or she. kinda reminds me of my hey days (hehe "hey days"... i like that!). but she's sweet and young. i told her what to do. about transitioning and stuff. i told her that she needs to be completely ready before she does anything. she asked me to help her buy meds (hormones) which i did gladly but not after a serious pep talk (in a noisy bar over some novida!)! i made her understand that for one its damn expensive especially because she has to deal with the testosterone in her body - which by the way is very very feminine! - and then some. i also told her that she'd have to keep things under wraps as she is going to college and all. seeing that she will still be forced to identify as male, then she'd have to stick to being androgynous.
  my other dilemma, something i must have mentioned before, is men. oh men oh men! i get hit on all the time nowadays. ALL THE TIME! fine, it feels good n all but it makes me sad. why? because its hard being me. am still scared they might see something in me! something "they can't quite put a finger on"! yep. still freaks me out. like dancing with dudes then its kinda sensual and hands travel to places and....omg what am i writing! ok lemme finish...hands travel...and then maybe ...a slip...and omg what the hell is that between...STOP! <-- I DONT WANT THAT! i am sccaaaarreeed of that! okay lets say that doesnt really happen. but what if this dude is totally into me and now "wants to know me more"...what do i do? what do i tell them? i try throwing the "gay card" (tell them am pro-gay n stuff) and see their reaction. if the dude is like "woow! i don't like gays!" then thats the cue for me to run! but they still come back! huh!! now what?!
  ok back to my first dilemma..
  see, stuff like what i just wrote now feel even harder to write about. feels like am an open book. (which by the way is true when they read my blog...) feels like am trading my life out. opening it to others. wondering if i shall ever have some form of privacy. fine i dont mention about other stuff like what sex position i use or even whether i have sex at all.....which reminds me...my libido? KAPUT!....back...yea. stuff like that. do i write about them? or do i keep them to myself.
  you tell me.
  
  *XOXO*
  

• Tired!

  Posted: August 12, 2010, 10:30 am by Lindsay

  i am getting tired. i dont know why. work is okay, life is ish ish. but every day i feel tired. i dont know why.
  maybe that is why i can't even write anything. nothing!
  huh!!!
  exhausted!
  

• What's Natural, Really? (Newspaper Cutting)

  Posted: August 11, 2010, 12:16 pm by Lindsay

  I saw an old news paper cutting in my house without the date or where it appeared. Just thought I'd share.
  
  

  What's Natural, Really? (Newspaper Cutting)

  
  

  There have been many views about whether a person is born gay or is recruited into 'gayism' or just find themselves in circumstances that lead to it. My belief is that its all three. You can be born gay, be recruited into it, or reach a point where you start asking yourself; am I gay or what? But gay people say that you are either gay or not, there is no in-between.

  
  

  Many people frown at gay people, claiming its unnatural. Please, like we are not surrounded by so much that is unnatural that, because we don't want to deal with it we dismiss as witchcraft and satanic. We refuse to believe that the same God responsible for making a 'perfect' being is also responsible for making things we cannot comprehend. There is this fourteen year old in Germany who grew up as Tim but ever since he was two, he told his parents over and over that he was a girl, trapped in a boy's body. As a child, Tim liked to play with Barbie dolls and enjoyed wearing dresses, the father says.

  
  

  Now at fourteen, Tim is going through a sex change (by receiving hormone injections that will arrest his male development).

  
  

  He is no longer a he, but a she with the name Kim. Psychiatrists who've seen Kim says her mental condition is normal, that she was just trapped in the wrong body. I say good for Kim's parents for listening to her and letting her be who she really is.

  
  

  People may dismiss this as something that happens only in the west, well, I say lets open our eyes and ears and start seeing things as they really are.

  
  

  Quite interesting eh? Looks like it was written three or four years ago and on Living Magazine Daily Nation. Not sure about that though.
  
  In other news, Nairobi is just way too cold! This should be a record!
  
  
  *XOXO*
  
  

• I Wonder

  Posted: August 6, 2010, 7:03 am by Lindsay

  dear diary,
  time flies really fast. it does. my oh my!
  okay. regaining composure. my contract ends tomorrow! yes. kesho. at least i heard good news. i have improved immensely and so am not worried. i just hope that what am expecting wont be too much to ask. can't wait tho!
  i have been meeting really nice peeps and one of them has been touching my heart alot. makes you think about "if only..."
  
  i have also been wondering what im gonna do about the blog. its like i wanna come out but then am fearful. its like i just wanna let it slide and flow on its own, i mean, kwani i have to go and spell it out on my forehead "im transgender!!". it aint none of their biz ama? seriously thinking about this tho.
  the hormones. hmmm...where do i begin? its been slow. nothing much has progressed. maybe am expecting too much of it. the boobs kinda stopped growing. or maybe they're growing its just that am not noticing. i dont know. anyway, let it be. at least am taking the pills kama kawaida. its like how women take their contraceptives. its kila siku. morning and evening 2mgs of progynova (estradiol valerate). need them lots :D
  still going on with that dilemma. you know, the one of wondering if someone suspects anything about me, the one of wondering if i should or should not tell someone of my trans identity, yea. still makes me uncomfy. one reason is because i dont know how theyre gonna respond if they knew. the reaction id get from them. wish id read minds... really do. but eeh! kwani? al continue being me. it wont matter. it doesnt matter. and if it does, then akwende. he can go his/her way ama?
  and...still wondering about my voice. i really should stop wondering and worrying about it. i was told its sexy coz its deep. most girls are forcing it..so i heard! as in they try lowering it. some even go to extreme of smoking severally just to make the voice go down some notes lower hehe...so am blessed eh? hmmm...i should think of doing voice-overs or better yet, radio or even tv anchoring! just a thought! 
  and there you have it diary. my thoughts for today.
  
  p.s. don't ask why i keep changing the look. nakuanga hivo :)
  
  *XOXO*

• I Am Grateful

  Posted: August 3, 2010, 11:07 am by Lindsay

  dear diary,
  its tuesday august 3rd 2010.
  i am not voting tomorrow. our country is voting for or against a new constitution and i think it should pass. but you know what? am not voting. am not happy diary. imagine that. the last time i voted was during that god-forsaken 27th election day. remember that one? the one that plunged us into chaos? we now call it "post election violence" or "pev" for short. i dont like how myopic we are. we kenyans that is. it makes me sad. imagine that. we just forget.
  know what diary, imagine there are still idps living in camps. wait, there are still idps. yes. and theyre still living in shanties/camps. its 2010 for crying out loud! this happened in 2007! imagine diary. imagine that.
  i heard people talking about warembo ni yes. what was that? i just saw bill boards and some flyers here and there. i wish i'd known earlier. i could have gone. too bad for me though. it seemed to be such a nice initiative. oh well, its passed. tomorrow we hope for a new constitutional dispensation. hehe..i used a big word!
  diary, it seems that with every passing day my life is becoming boring. someone asked my why the hell i live with my boyfriend. i dont know. is this something i want to rant about? yea oh well. know what? am ok with it. am ok with living with him. i like it. i like it a lot. he gives me comfort. i am glad to be a "ka-wife" hehe... really!
  there is not much more to say now. but u know what? am glad. am glad i am alive, am thankful for that, am thankful for my mom, for my friends and co-workers who love and appreciate me, for others who may have an idea but dont give a damn, for my guy for always always being there for me no matter what, for my readers for giving me support....am so so thankful and grateful.
  *xoxo*
  

• I Don't Exist

  Posted: July 30, 2010, 5:15 am by Lindsay

  I know I have said this before but........
  
  On my last post, I mentioned that our government is making all Kenyans who own a SIM card to have it registered. They need identification documents to have this done. I am perturbed. Why? Because my current identification documents do not resemble me one bit. Fine, you may say “it sure looks like your brother” but that's as near as you may go. It has my former (male) name, it has an “M” for sex etc etc. So how am I to register? They need a copy of your ID card to register you. That means I can't even go to a friend who does the registration and ask him/her to just register me without the need to produce an ID. It is times like these that I feel like saying “FML!!”.
  
  Still on the same, Kenya is in a voting mood. We are voting either for or against the constitution. Oh, wait, THEY are voting. Oh no, not me. The government doesn't know I exist! Okay, I can do something about it and I am doing it, but if youve been following this, you know that I started it like three months ago! So that means, I cant vote YES. I am rooting for the constitution. It has good things for us. But I cant vote. I have an ID that doesn't look like me! Huh!
  
  
  Finally, I read something on transgender identities in Kenya. The author kept saying how people need to stop “pigeon-holing” transgender individuals in identities that don't belong to them. I completely agree. And it is indeed true that trans persons keep being pigeon-holed into the binary system of “male” or “female” and where one is found to have the genitalia of either or, then they use that to define you. Who gave them the right? Huh? Who made them judge? Fine, we can agree that “oh no we have never heard of transgender before” fine. But if I tell you I am a transgender then don't start asking me what I have between my legs. Does it matter? Did I say I wanna have sex with you or something? Because basically that's the only reason you'd have to ask me such a question. What am I saying? Basically, it is plain wrong to identify someone by what they have “down there”. I personally am a woman. A female. A girl. I choose that because it feels right. Wait, I am not saying am not transgender, am saying that transgender is not my identity. There is a difference. There is my status and the identity I choose. So if someone wants to be called, not a woman but, a transsexual woman, then so be it. If a transsexual woman wants to simply be called a woman, then so be it. This manenos of putting people in boxes should cease and desist.
  
  Period.
  
  
  *XOXO*

• Life Like Its Golden

  Posted: July 29, 2010, 3:54 am by Lindsay

  i like that song. the one sang by jill scott. practically says all or most of what i feel. just check out the lyrics.
  
  [Intro:]
  Heyyy, Ohh, Heyyy, Yeah, Ohh, Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeahhhh
  
  [Verse 1]
  I'm taking my freedom,
  Pulling it off the shelf,
  Putting it on my chain,
  Wear it around my neck,
  I'm taking my freedom,
  Putting it in my car,
  Wherever I choose to go,
  It will take me far,
  
  [Chorus]
  I'm livin' my life like it's golden
  Livin' my life like it's golden, [X3]
  Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,
  Livin' my life like it's golden, [X4]
  Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,
  
  [Verse 2]
  I'm taking my own freedom
  Putting it in my song,
  Singing loud and strong,
  Grooving all day long,
  I'm taking my freedom,
  Putting it in my stroll,
  I'll be high-steppin' y'all,
  Letting the joy unfold,
  
  [Chorus]
  
  I'm holding on to my freedom,
  Can't take it from me,
  I was born into it,
  It comes naturally,
  I'm strumming my own freedom,
  Playing the god in me,
  Representing his glory,
  Hope he's proud of me,
  
  [Chorus]
  
  [Bridge]
  I'm living my life like its golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, [X2]
  
  [Chorus]
  
  [Jill Scott:]
  Livin' my life like it's golden,
  It really matters to me, Ohhh
  
  [Bridge X5]
  
  
  

• Wamathai Exclusive Event

  Posted: July 27, 2010, 11:22 am by Lindsay

  
  

  Wamathai.com will host another spoken word event on Thursday, the 5th of August 2010 and the program is as follows:

  • The event will be hosted by Dela
  • Performances by: Wanjeri Gakuru, Jemedari, Wanjiku Mwaurah,Kevin Gachuma, Mike Kwambo, Njeri Wangari, Anyiko Owoko, Immah & others
  • Music by: Skiza & Lele
  • The Screening of Mark Kaigwa's Film Dawa
  • An after party with DJ Steel playing Afro-Fusion & Neo Soul

  Other Details

  Date: Thursday 5^th August

  Venue: VIP Secrets Lounge, View Park Towers Nairobi

  Time: 7.00 PM till Late

  Charges: Kshs. 300 in Advance

  The tickets  are only 100  so reserve yours as soon as possible by calling/texting 0722352239 or emailing wamathai(at)wamathai.com

  Come and enjoy a unique night of poetry & music!

  
  
  Click here to view the Poster
  
  
   Barbra--"Live & Let Live; Love & Let Love"
  
  [joliea.wordpress.com]
  
  

• Sim Card Registration? Huh!

  Posted: July 23, 2010, 10:34 am by Lindsay

  Our good Kenyan Government has decided to make life a tad bit harder, or better depending on the way you view it. They have launched a campaign dubbed "Get Your SIM Card Registered". And its mandatory!
  

  
  It’s now mandatory to register your SIM cardPosted: 21 Jun, 2010Mobile subscribers in the country have up to July 30 to register all their SIM cards with their respective service providers, the Government directed today. This Directive also applies to those taking up mobile phone services for the first time as well as those buying additional SIM cards. 

  What am I gonna do? I don't have an ID.
  
  Huh! Such frustrating times...

• 20th July: Three Months Later...

  Posted: July 20, 2010, 2:37 am by Lindsay

  (In the usual way...)
  Its been three months since I got my surgery and began taking female hormones. Gosh this will be short!
  
  I guess nothing much has change in terms of the body. Am more or less the same. Maybe a slight increase in hip size but that could be just me. I am expecting more of that though hehe...I sure can't wait for that.
  
  What's been bugging me? Dilemma. I know I said it before but with all honesty its still bugging me. I feel kinda bad when am hanging out with a friend, and more so a male friend, who happens to like me a lot and think I'm hot and what not, and even probably wants to date me, and not tell him about my past. Why?
  
  
  Fear of the unknown. I am scared of how they'd react. Fine, I might have had it smooth with other friends and family but I need to remind myself that that will not be the trend always. Not everyone has embraced the new me. Even some of my relatives who are okay with me being around them still feel kind of uneasy when am with them and worse still, some can't stand the fact that I did this. They feel that I took the wrong turn, that I was too young, I rushed into it, this could have been averted in one way or another, that I spat in God's face etc. So you can see how it can really weigh down on me! Thus, I get somewhat worried about it... wondering "what if...". The unknown.
  
  But...............I do hope that things get better. I do hope that I shall be able to tell the ones that seem to be understanding and are close to me and also try to be more at ease. I know for a fact that this was THE BEST decision I could have made under the circumstances. Do I wish there was an easier way? Who doesn't?
  
  Three months later and I am even more at peace with life than before. Three months later and within two months I shall celebrate a years worth of transitioning! Three months later and...oh gosh...I just can't wait for a year to pass!
  
  Wish me luck!
  
  *XOXO*

• And Life Goes On

  Posted: July 16, 2010, 11:29 am by Lindsay

  
  in my urge to update my readers, i posted something i shouldn't have. so those who are subscribed probably found a link and then it went broken. i apologize for that.
  
  basically things are going on okay. work is excessive. as in there is so much to do. A and i are going on easy. i cannot express how he makes me feel :) my social life is ish ish. not so much. the only thing, as i mentioned in my last post, that bores me is that i always am very cautious and wonder when and if its the right time to tell about my status. or even whether or not its important.
  
  anyhoo...
  
  sometimes i wonder if in 5 years i will look back and smile..
  
  i bet i will!
  
  take care dears, sorry for the reeealy short post!

• Dilemma

  Posted: July 12, 2010, 6:07 am by Lindsay

  I am in a dilemma. I'm torn between being me and revealing the truth about me. I have friends who know my trans status, I have those who don't and still I have those who suspect it. I am in a dilemma. My dilemma is them – the ones who don't know or I haven't told – finding out that I am trans. I have no clue how they will take the news. I have no idea if they will be fine with it or not. Its just so confusing.
  Life has been smooth and okay of late. My job is going well and my relationship with A is simply great. As in...in a nutshell, step by step, the things I've always dreamed of are taking place. Just a few things I need to sort out.
  
  
  
  My identity. As I said earlier, I am an alien. I don't have an ID. The ID that I have looks nothing like me, at all! I have applied for something called a Deed Poll that is to notify the government and the general public that from day so and so I relinquish the use of the name so and so (male name) and begin using name so and so (preferred name. Preferably gender ambiguous). Because we don't know how the authorities will react if I gave them a female name, I've chosen a gender neutral one. My two kikuyu names. That way, its easier to pass. However the process is taking long and am getting impatient. I still don't have a passport and I really need one. I like what Audrey Mbugua and her organisation are doing for us. She is making it known in the public that we, the transgender community in Kenya are being neglected and the current laws don't allow us to change our genders. At least we can change names. If only it were easier. Anyway, I shall have to wait.
  
  On the dilemma issue, I will see how to sort it out. There is always a way out right?
  
  p.s. Sometimes I just wish I could know what my high school colleagues thought about me back then. I wonder...

• My Mornings

  Posted: July 1, 2010, 2:51 am by Lindsay

  Every day when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself, “What a great day. Am so thankful to be alive!” Then I begin my routine. But there are things that I always feel bad about.
  
  Shaving.
  
  Just imagine! I shave like after every two or three days. I feel bad about that. Its a constant reminder that I still have some shreds of testosterone in my body and that I need electrolysis. Electrolysis is the best way to get rid of them permanently. Sigh. Its not a nice thing. I shaved today. And it always makes me feel bad. But anyway, the time will come when I wont shave no more! I just need to plan it through. It simply doesn't feel right.
  
  
  
  Tucking.
  
  This is actually something I do almost all the time. I know my transgender, transsexual, transvestite, cross-dressers and drag queens know what I'm talking about. Making sure “that birth-defect” down there is properly tucked away into your pantie never ever to be seen or felt or even thought about. I just called it a birth-defect. I don't like it. I also don't hate it. But I don't like it. It makes me feel bad. Always. Huh!
  
  Make-up.
  
  I wear make-up mostly to conceal my heavily blemished and dark-shadowed face. I don't like it. Fine, it makes me look very nice and pretty but I just wish sometimes I could do without it. Granted this is not a regret of just me, many girls (not just trans) have the same predicament. They feel that they're naked without the make-up on. I feel the same. I don't like how my skin looks like without it. And I don't like the fact that I HAVE TO wear it every single day. Sigh.
  
  
  Yeap. Thats my daily frustrations. But you know what? Things are good. I cant complain. Heck, I should be rejoicing! Honestly! I am so glad things are good. Most of all, I AM THANKFUL!
  
  
  XOXO

• I Love You MOM!

  Posted: June 30, 2010, 2:08 am by Lindsay

  End of June. Begin July. Hmmm. What have I been up to this month? Well honestly, as I have mentioned before, I am getting more and more cofused about what I should write here and what I shouldn't. Its kind of frustrating if I may say since I do want to write is just that sometimes you don't get that inspiration. I guess its the writer's block thingy. We ain't all writers anyway.
  
  This month I marked the second month since I began my hormones. I feel great. Relaxed. Easy. Even despite a few challenges here and there, the feeling is good. I am relatively happy. My relationship with A is smooth. Sometimes I think being with an older person is better. I tend to think that I am way older than my age! He's a good guy. He's easygoing, calm, reserved, talkative, funny, understanding, very understanding and most importantly, he's got my heart. I admit I do love him. And yes, don't scold me for not talking about him. I don't think its important. Unless someone tells me why I should. Do we have issues? Yes. Who doesn't! But we get along quite well. He makes me happy and that's it. The only fear I have is that this feeling will fade away. But every time I see him the feeling is strong. Its like a thermometer. Every time I see him or even just think about him the mecury rises. And I have no doubts. Anyhoo, I am thankful and grateful for having him near me and being mine. I am also thankful that we are good and have a strong relationship. By the way, August we will be marking our 1st anniversary!
  
  
  Oh my Mom! Mommy is great as always, even better sometimes. I cannot express in words how much I love my mother. She means the world to me. She comes first in everything. Then A comes next. They are the two most important people in my life right now. I don't know where id be without them! Please note, I am not dismissing other close friends and family here, I am just saying those who are closest to my heart at the moment. I simply love my mom. I think even that word 'love' isn't enough. Its far from enough. If she's reading this,... Mom, you mean the world to me. I know that's cliché but enyewe there ain't no other way I could say it. Lemme dedicate this song to you.
  
  A Song For Mama
  You taught me everything
  And everything you've given me
  I always keep it inside
  You're the driving force in my life, yeah
  
  
  There isn't anything
  Or anyone I can be
  And it just wouldn't feel right
  If I didn't have you by my side
  
  
  You were there for me to love and care for me
  When skies were grey
  Whenever I was down
  You were always there to comfort me
  And no one else can be what you have been to me
  You'll always be you always will be the girl
  In my life for all times
  
  
  
  
  [Chorus: ]
  Mama, mama you know I love you
  Oh you know I love you
  Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
  Your love is like
  Tears from the stars
  Mama, I just want you to know
  Lovin' you is like food to my soul
  
  
  You're always down for me
  Have always been around for me even when I was bad
  You showed me right from my wrong
  Yes you did
  
  
  And you took up for me
  When everyone was downin' me
  You always did understand
  You gave me strength to go on
  
  
  There was so many times
  Looking back when I was so afraid
  And then you come to me
  And say to me I can face anything
  And no one else can do
  What you have done for me
  You'll always be
  You will always be the girl in my life
  
  
  [Chorus ]
  
  Take care people. And remember, love makes every difference!

• What Is My Sexual Orientation?

  Posted: June 23, 2010, 3:26 am by Lindsay

  What is my sexual orientation? My gender identity is clear right? I am female. Thats how I perceive myself.
  
  But lately I have seen the above question being asked of me several times and I thought I should address it here now. But before I go ahead and give my views, and I hope this will be a short post, lets look at web definitions of several terms.
  
  

  Sexual Orientation: According to Wikipedia, Sexual orientation describes a pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to men, women, both genders, neither gender, or another gender. According to the American Psychological Association, sexual orientation is enduring and also refers to a person's sense of "personal and social identity based on those attractions, behaviors expressing them, and membership in a community of others who share them."

  Gender Identity: Still, Wikipedia says, Gender identity (otherwise known as core gender identity) is the gender(s), or lack thereof, a person self-identifies as. It is not necessarily based on biological fact, either real or perceived, nor is it always based on sexual orientation. The gender identities one may choose from include: male, female, both, somewhere in between ("third gender"), or neither.

  
  The way I understand the above, is that there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity. I presume most of you already know this fact. There is no similarity between how you identify as and who you are attracted to. So if, for example, I am a trans woman, I (presumably) identify as a female and this is my gender identity and (presumably, not factual) I am attracted to males and this is my sexual orientation. (Forgive me for 'enbolding' so many words; I like stressing points through that and using italics.)
  
  Lets now look at Lindsay. What is my sexual orientation. My gender identity is clear (as I have indicated at the top right tab on this blog), I am female. A girl. A woman.
  

  My Sexual Orientation is STRAIGHT.

  This is not news. Most of you already know this through reading my blog. I identify as straight. I am attracted to men. Interestingly though, as I had mentioned here about a lesbian encounter, I now think that there is a possibility for flexibility. Where now I see the chance of me being attracted to what I would call "masculine females"! Quite interesting don't you think?
  
  But there is something that actually made me write this post. Its the assumption that men who date trans women are actually gay. And why do they assume this? "Oh, I mean...you both have the same stuff down there right? So definitely thats gay!? Right" I recall a friend telling me. THIS IS WRONG!! In all sense!
  
  Here's the thing. If I identify as female, and I date a man, then isn't that heterosexual? YES! Yes it is! Therefore, the man I date would identify as? Straight! Right? So this blatant ignorance of the above is what sometimes annoys me. But I do hope that I make things clear now.
  

  Sex is between your legs; Gender is between your ears.

  I, and most others, use this phrase to clarify things. Get this, just because I have genitalia similar to that of males, it DOES NOT mean that who I date and have relations with is gay! If you reach your conclusion in this manner then it means you are calling me A MAN. Yes. You are in fact, insulting me. Making me feel bad. You cannot define my sexual orientation by looking at what I have between my legs or how I and my [male] partner have sex? Even if that was the case, do we then conclude that since even cis-gendered(persons who don't have a disparity between their gender identity and their assigned sex) females have anal sex are gay? What I am trying to say here is that you cannot define my sexual orientation by looking at what I have between my legs. Period.
  
  Before I conclude, let me share this piece from Wikipedia (again!) that I think is quite interesting.
  

  Some researchers (see BBL controversy) ignore the evidence of self-identification as women and continue to view transsexual women as men, labeling trans women who feel sexual attraction to men as "homosexual transsexuals" and to women as "nonhomosexual". This is seen as disrespectful to the women whom they are supposing to study; developmental biologist and trans-feminist writer Julia Serano labels this as part of a process of "trans-objectification," the reduction of transsexual persons to research specimens and sexual fantasies.

  
  I just hope I have allayed any misgivings and any misguided opinions one must have had. I of course don't mind questions on this and I will say that this is my point of view and, as the saying goes,
  
  

  "Opinions are like arse-holes. Everyone has them!".

  
  
  
  *XOXO*

• 20th June: Two Months Later...

  Posted: June 21, 2010, 2:33 am by Lindsay

  Its been two months since I began taking Progynova (Estradiol Valerate), the female hormones.
  
  
  And what do I have to show for it? Well to be honest not much has changed since last month.
  I still am growing my breasts. The nipples are very itchy and sensitive so anyone who knows me may at one point see me pressing against my breasts since they are itchy! (I cant believe the things I am typing! Jeez!)
  
  My face and skin is still getting smoother, I am much more calmer than ever even under serious duress (work stuff)! I am trying to maintain calm on that one.
  
  I am still very active libido-wise so thats a non issue. Somehow, I feel embarrassed to talk about such stuff on my blog and I cant help wonder why yet I have written about it before! Anyhoo, thats the case. Surprisingly, this post will be relatively short.
  
  
  
  Now, let me ask you my audience and readers, do you have a burning question you would like to ask me? Is there something pressing that you would want to know about me or maybe about being a transsexual in Kenya?
  
  Please feel free to send them to me. I am gonna answer all of them ALL OF THEM! And honestly too (I think!).
  
  *XOXO*

• Aaaargh!!!!

  Posted: June 17, 2010, 10:50 am by Lindsay

  
  This is my current state of mind.
  
  Atleast I was yesterday. Now, enyewe, its something else.
  
  Like a ray of hope.
  
  
  Something like this.
  
  Fab week everyone.
  
  *XOXO*

• A Trans In Uganda (BorrowedPost)

  Posted: June 11, 2010, 4:41 am by Lindsay

  Friday, November 21, 2008
  
  A Trans in Uganda [Gay Uganda]
  
  
  
  Like it is worldwide, the travails of a Trans are that much more arduous than a gay man. Or a lesbian. From today's monitor.
  
  
  

  Tororo’s man who loves to be a woman

  
  

  Augustine Emojong

  
  

  Tororo

  
  

  A Tororo man who was in 2006 arrested for assault wont stop wanting to be a woman.

  Popularly known as Fatuma Segiyirira, the impersonator fought over a man with another woman at Nagongera township in a bar where ‘she’ worked as a barmaid. Segiyirira was taken to Tororo Central Police Station where ‘she’ was kept in the female cells.

  
  

  Segiyirira was then produced in court on charges of assault and sent to Morukatipe Prison where he was also kept in a female inmates’ wing. He was later discovered to be a man after he reportedly started threatening to infect fellow female inmates with HIV/Aids. The Police added another charge of impersonation and he was returned to Morukatipe Prison in the male wing.

  
  

  After serving a one-year sentence, he was recently released. The detention appears not to have change him. Segiyirira had been on the loose again until last week when his luck ran out for the second time. He had been to Mudakori Trading Centre in Tororo where she had camped looking for a job of a barmaid.

  This time round, he called herself Margaret.

  
  

  Residents told Daily Monitor that after spending some days in the area, he had attracted the attention of many men. He allegedly conned many of men and declined to have sex with them, pretending that he was in his menstrual periods. His luck ran out last weekwhen a curious young man tried to touch his ‘breasts’ at a drinking joint, only to get amused when a sponge fell down.

  
  

  The LC1 Chairperson, Mrs Angella Okello and other women, took him to a separate house to check and ascertain his gender but were shocked to discover that he was a mature man. Drama then ensued as he was stripped and beaten by angry residents who forced him to walk naked for over the 5km stretch to Tororo Central Police Station.

  
  

  Hundreds of curious onlookers thronged the streets to see the great woman who had turned into a man.

  While being stripped, Segiyirira was found to have tied his manhood with a string, passed it between his legs and tied the string at the back of his waist to convince everyone. Some of those she had gone with say he used to smear tomato sauce on his panties to always deceive the men that he was in his monthly periods after drinking their beers and being offered some cash.

  
  

  The Tororo District police Commander, Mr Gaudencio Okumu, told Daily Monitor on Monday that it was very unfortunate that Fatuma had continued with the same character after being released from prison. “We are finalising the charge sheets and he will be taken to court again on charges of impersonation and other charges which we shall find appropriate,” said Mr Okumu.

  ---
  An exercise in futility?
  
  
  I had stopped myself from commenting about Segiyirira- but that has been short lived. What crime has this lady committed? Daring to dress like a woman. Deceiving her acquitances. Those seem to be the most heinous crimes, according to the article. And what has been the punishment, which the community meted out fast and furiously?
  A not so public check to confirm the genital sex.
  A public beating.
  Paraded naked, for 5 good kilometres
  Jailed. Was there any mention of bail or police bond?
  To court soon, charge- impersonation. Of a woman. (Any woman!!!)
  
  
  The police commander is not happy. Second time offender, so more charges, he adds grimly.
  The price of ignorance. Why should a man dress as a woman? Why would one risk one’s very life to do that? As a gay man in Uganda, I realize that I am fine in a way. For a long time, and at great cost to myself, I have learnt to hide. It is simply a necessity of survival. I hide so well that I can get lost in my own deception.
  A trans person in Uganda is more disadvantaged. Much more disadvantaged, and Segiyirira has paid the price. It could as easily have become a lynch mob.
  
  
  Being what I am, I cant help thinking that all these things were crimes committed by society and the state against the individual... but then, I am biased.
  
  
  gug
  
  
  
  Posted by gayuganda at 12:07 PM

• Oh Well

  Posted: June 9, 2010, 11:23 am by Lindsay

  its been a while. and i am posting this directly into the posting area so the writing is not ‘done properly’ but atleast the words are here.
  
  and the reason why i insist on doing this is not to limit myself to copy pasting stuff. yea...thats basically it.
  
  so basically i am bored. bored because i cant seem to get myself to write something comprehensible. a friend of mine says she has the same problem so it seems am not alone…
  
  being trans is hard. make up in the morning to conceal that famous 5 oclock shadow…boob enhancers….tight undies…all that crap in dressing…and every time being carefull to look around wondering if someone knows youre trans…puh!
  
  i sometimes wonder how easy it would have been had i been born okay.
  
  
  huh!

• How Could I Forget?

  Posted: June 2, 2010, 4:49 am by Lindsay

  OMG!!
  
  I am crazy! How could I forget that ON THIS DAY, May 8th 2008, I started this lovely blog?
  
  
  Well, it passed. And guess what, I am happy. Am a happy girl!
  
  Its been a great journey all these months, years. Things have changed, things have happened. I have been blessed.
  
  I started transitioning. That was nice.
  
  Had a few mishaps. Wasn't too exciting.
  
  And some sad/angry moments. Time heals all wounds.
  
  Had my surgery. Great too.
  
  Celebrated one month on hormones. Marvelous.
  
  I couldn't ask for more.
  
  Thank you all for the support y'all gave me :)
  
  Much appreciated :)
  
  
  XOXO!

• All Dolled Up!

  Posted: May 31, 2010, 10:12 am by Lindsay

  Last weekend there was a party. A queer party. I haven't partyd in a while and this was my chance. My friend Kat ensured I looked fab for the day. I had on a micro-mini jeans skirt, a strapped top and high heels. I felt lovely. This wasn't the first time I had worn a mini. But just the feeling I get makes me shiver in glee!
  
  
  I have nice legs. Thats what people tell me. And I agree. Remember I mentioned here a while ago that I couldn't wear short shorts in high school? Yea, the boys thought I had very sexy legs too. Do you know how it feels like when people tell you how “hot and sexy” you look? Some of you have an idea. Its an amazing feeling. I am left blushing from here to Timbuktu! Such an amazing feeling! Especially when you yourself take time to believe it!
  
  Then there is the attention. I never anticipated that! Never! Everytime I was out, before transitioning that is, I would sit back and watch as my “fellow girls” get all the attention and be wooed by every guy possible. Including the one's I thought were hot. Now its happening to me. Its weird and exciting at the same time. My activist friend tells me “stop being such a woman! You're a transsexual”. I don't know how to respond to her. All I know is that I am hiding no more. All those things I used to only dream about are now coming to reality. Its amazing. Amazing is the word I have been using.
  
  Amazing! All I can say is, I AM GRATEFUL!!!
  
  p.s. Now, because it was out in the open, and at night, I am now nursing a very bad cold :(
  
  XOXO!

• 20th May: One Month Later...

  Posted: May 25, 2010, 8:13 am by Lindsay

  
  Its been a month! Yes! A month since I had my surgery and started on hormones (properly). I am elated. On May 20th, I celebrated a month of being testosterone-free and of using estrogen. What are the results? They are listed below.
  
  

  1. Breasts – Don't ask me why this is the first thing I mentioned but honestly, this was indeed one of the major changes I was waiting for! My boobs are popping out! Much like how the tits of young girls who have just entered puberty start growing. The nipples are extra-sensitive (forgive me if some things are graphic/disturbing) and a large stone-thing has developed making the area swell out. The whole place is sensitive making me feel itchy and uncomfortable all the time! Otherwise, I am elated! Very very much! I like them kabisa and can't wait for them to continue growing!
  2. Face & Skin – Interestingly, my face and skin have become waay smoother than ever. My face in particular is much much better than ever before. The “five-o'clock shadow” is less visible, nearly not there. Though I still grow facal hair, it now grows less faster than before. Actually half less (takes two days longer to be visible).
  3. Body shape – I may be exaggerating on this but I think my body shape is shifting. I tend to see more hips (Ive always had hips) and smaller waist. But this is rather speculative at the moment and I still have to be patient. The only thing noticeable is the fact that I am eating slightly more now than before!
  4. Calmness, Tranquility – Yes, this is true. Apparently, testosterone makes men very rough, easily agitated and all. So now indeed, I am calmer, more at peace and easier to deal with. I heard rumours that I will be moody and emotional but I am yet to feel that so lets wait and see. Either way, I am enjoying all the tranquility!
  5. Hot Flashes – I remember a colleague of mine telling me about her having a hot flash and I wondered how it would feel. Now I felt it! I did. Several times! They aren't the nicest thing to have but...having them somehow reassures my womanness now...something that I am happy about!
  6. Loss/Decreased Libido – Well, I am young so I can work up some sort of “in-the-mood” for myself but I have to say I have felt the decrease.

  
  I can't remember other stuff for now, but generally, its going well. Something else exciting is how its now so much easier to tuck that thing down there! Hidden away nicely! I even got a chance to wear a micro mini the other night! Cool!
  
  
  XOXO!
  
  p.s.
  
  I am lost. I have no idea what to write about. Fine this blog is about my life but, due to security concerns, I am not sure exactly what to say and what not to say. So my question is, do you have anything you'd like me to talk about?
  
  Ask me anything!

• Wishing everyone a Happy International Day ...

  Posted: May 17, 2010, 7:02 am by Lindsay

  Wishing everyone a Happy International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia! Somehow, transphobia is usually left out. I wonder why...
  
  
  Kenya's marking of the event is being covered by KHRC and GALCK.
  
  
  In other news, I just thought I should give y'all an update.
  
  Things are okay. Though in recent past I have been under the weather. Nairobi has been raining a lot lately and with that comes a serious bout of cold! I have a bad cold that is persistent and refuses to go away :( However, I am trying all means necessary to fight it away!
  
  The hormones are working! I have developed small lumps around my nipples and they are slightly painful when squished! Hehe! Ain't I excited about that. The area where the surgical cut was done has completely healed and the color is back to normal. One thing I am very very happy about is the fact that concealment is much much easier now that I don't have to be scared of squishing or smashing anything! LOL!
  
  There has been much more media coverage on transgender/transsexual matters in Kenya lately. There was a story in The Star, today there is one in The Standard and just two days ago Citizen TV covered a story about Cuba reinstating the government sponsored gender reassignment surgery.
  
  Good stuff, no?

• Isn't It Amazing?

  Posted: May 10, 2010, 4:52 am by Lindsay

  Today when I woke up in the morning I was feeling rather perky about the day. Its Monday and lots have happened. But thats not why I decided to post this.
  
  I am amazed. I really am. The way things are going now in my life, I simply cannot not be amazed. Life is good. Really. There is no reason for me to complain. Sure, I am a trans and there are troubles that comes with it but, on a more general term, life is quite nice.
  
  I went out on Friday night just after work. Its something I don't do. I went out to meet a friend. Pater Nostra. He was a a bar and had just also come from work. He's such a gentleman. Bought me a drink. I had a good time. I never thought I could do that. I was always the kind to quickly say “pass” when invited to go out just because I didn't like how confused I'd get around people and how sad I felt. Now, thats a different case. I am more confident of myself, more myself than ever before, I feel rejuvenated, like a butterfly out of a cocoon, spreading its wings for the first time... I'm sure some of y'all get me, no?
  
  There is this feeling I craved before. A feeling of belonging. Its that connection you feel within and without. I had always wanted people to see what I saw. I had always felt like I wasn't there. Like I was invisible. Like I was not worth anything. Funny, women want to be noticed. They want to have some approval. I craved for that attention. That noticing. That approval. When it did come, it was not wrapped in the color I wanted. It did not feel the way I wanted it to feel. It wasn't it. It was something else. Something I didn't like. Something I felt seemed wrong. Like a stab in the back. I didn't like that feeling. I never did. Because it was nice words, but nice words that pained me. I took every chance I had to avoid such.
  
  But now things are different. Now I go out and I get the attention. I don't look for it, but I get it. I don't over do anything. I am simple. Yet, I still get it. Some of it. The one I craved for. It nowadays comes. Makes me so happy, no?
  
  Today, some guy in crutches actually stopped to say hi to me. He said, “Sasa Mresh.” i.e. “Hi Beautiful.” ('mresh' is sheng for 'beautiful'). The point here isn't that he's in crutches, (I don't discriminate) but that he noticed. He actually told the guy he was with that he'd say hi. I heard that because he was near the atm I went to withdraw cash from. I went on with my stuff feeling quite nice. Granted this is not the first time I've been told this considering this earlier post, but it still makes me smile. Gives me a nice feeling inside.
  
  On Saturday I went out with my pals and we had fun. I usually don't go out, but its like I've started doing it more often. I like it. And the fact that guys would come up to me and tell me how hot I am makes me cringe sometimes. Not because I don't like them, but just because its amazing how its so much different now compared to before.
  
  I am alive. I am happy. Thats what matters. Someday, somehow, things will get better. People will understand. People will know why. The reason why I don't write much about the going out and stuff, is because I don't want some people to get the wrong idea. Transsexuals don't transition to go out. They don't do it to 'be accepted'. They do it because. Period. Get it? They do it because its who they are. They wish to be themselves. Being accepted is part of it. But the root of it is to be themselves. The person theyve always known they were. Thats how I feel. And I hope, everyday, that our community understands us. Somehow.
  
  Do have a great week y'all!
  
  p.s. I don't know if I said this, but was recently featured in a newspaper article. The article also featured the first ever trans and intersex convening in Kenya.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes