Items by J

The Alpha Quadrant

• Blog migration

  Posted: October 11, 2009, 1:00 am by J

  If you've been reading it on blog.josiahmugambi.com it should remain so.. though for RSS feeds a minor change but be needed.
  
  http://josiahmugambi.wordpress.com

• Random Flora & Fauna

  Posted: October 9, 2009, 7:27 pm by J

  
  1, originally uploaded by jmugambi.
  I have been continuing with my photography education so here is some natural beauty from within Kenya...
  
  More photos here

• Lake Naivasha

  Posted: October 1, 2009, 9:09 pm by J

  
  Is Lake Naivasha drying up ?

My Road To Wealth

• Networth Update – September 2009

  Posted: September 16, 2009, 7:04 pm by JK

  My networth continues on an upward trend and it is gratifying to note that this has been achieved only a short time after making a decision to manage my finances better. Only a few months ago i would have counted … Continue reading →

The Alpha Quadrant

• Wao pia ni Members: Phishing

  Posted: September 11, 2009, 2:53 pm by J

  It looks like the conmen are at it again with an (obviously) suspicious looking website that looks quite similar to Equity Bank's website.
  Real: [www.equitybank.co.ke]Fake (visit at your own risk): www.equitybanknig-plc.com/
  It makes for a good laugh, as many guys on the Skunkworks mailing list noticed. Look at this extract regarding the Equity Bank CEO:
  

  Dr. James Mwangi, MBS
  Chief Executive Officer & Managing Director

  
  Dr. Mwangi holds an Honorary Doctorate in Business Administration (Honoris Causa), from Nigeria Methodist University, Doctor of Humane Letters (Honoris Causa) Nigeriatta University, and Doctor of Entrepreneurship from Jomo Nigeriatta University of Agriculture and ...

  
  

  It appears that some did a search for Kenya on the real Equity Bank website content and replaced it with Nigeria.

  While this particular instance may appear an obvious attempt at phishing, it should be taken as a warning. Now that 'the fibre has landed', such attempts at cyber-crime will only become more prevalent as more and more people in the country, and the continent get on-line, and scammers attempt to widen their net.

  
  

• Dr Ndemo @ Skunkworks

  Posted: August 5, 2009, 2:21 am by J

  The PS for Information and Communication did a talk at the 4th Aug meeting at Telposta towers 4th floor. There was also Joe Mucheru (Google Lead, EA) and Bret Bullington, a VC working in the Silicon Valley.
  
  Quite an interesting talk and discussion thereafter, with lots of challenging and thought provoking remarks from Dr Ndemo.
  
  Some highlights that stood out for me:
  
  Digital Villages - data gathering at sub-location level (this could mean several hundreds, thousands of DVs) - such information would range from education levels, to types of soil, vegetation, population, sicknesses, and potential applications are numerous (would avoid such generalizations as 'my constituency performs poorly because we are marginalized' and would instead allow for facts to be presented). Solutions for social problems too, and entrepreneurial opportunities. Incidentally, the first Digital Village was at Kagundo and despite no training offered there, soon afterwards, there were people lining up to fill in PSC forms downloaded online.
  
  Local Content - 'We are through with (creating) infrastructure, we now need content'
  The Freedom of Information Bill when passed into law, will allow a lot more Government information to be available (online)
  Information on product pricing - how many times have you spent time looking for a particular product all over from shop to shop while you could conceivably do that from a single website.
  Examination questions (KCPE, KCSE, CPA etc)
  Bible in local languages
  A kenyan 'youtube'for local music, videos - lots of user generated content - can be used especially to preserve local languages, cultures, history, stories (e.g. Lwanda Magere).
  There will be lots of opportunity for local music/video/movies/advertising especially when digital terrestrial television becomes mainstream (think a capacity of several hundred channels to choose from).
  
  'What is wrong with us'
  This was quite challenging - Kenya is hosting AGOA. There are 6000 items which can be exported to USA duty free. How many of us can name 5 of these without reference.
  Vietname despite being a smaller country than Kenya last year had more exports to the USA under a similar agreement to AGOA than the whole of Sub Saharan Africa.
  
  'Productivity' and 'Break even' (and probably many other ideals) are not in our language. We need to measure our productivity, track our progress, use technology (ICT's) to improve our productivity (as a nation).
  
  Collect Data -> Information/Knowledge -> Analyze Information -> Intervention
  
  -
  
  The Government won't make you rich.
  
  There's lots of opportunity in educational content
  
  Every problem is an opportunity.
  
  +++++++++++++++
  Some more summary I missed out (thanks to S Ndungu )
  We can add a few summaries
  [pls pardon any misquotation, there was alot of info passed and im drawing this frm memory] :
  
  -There was a promise by Alex Gakuru/ICT board for support of IT community through a 3 stage funding by the World Bank
  
  1) training for a 1000 software managers - to be determined by a criteria
  2) provision for 1,000,000 laptops to kenyans - to be determined by criteria
  3) i cannot remember the third point - but it has to do with support of IT/ICT/Development projects [which I would assume includes the support for content generation for local use]
  
  
  DR. Ndemo
  
  -The digital villages did not take off as expected. The youth despite the urgency to create jobs did not respond to calls for training and taking up ownership/running of the digital villages
  
  [the northern part of kenya (that claims to be marginalised) - only 8 participants showed up --- 8 participants !!]
  
  -One of the reasons for digital villages was to make available "content" for kenyans through gathering of grassroots statistics like population, facts, economic dynamics - etc - In turn, due to support for electric self sufficiency of these digital villages [solar, wind, etc] - the owners can garner income thru:
  mobile charging, photocopying, printing government documents [like P3s, job applications for government], hosting workshops,
  folks can call thru Voip to distant relatives, cyber cafe services - and etc etc
  
  (thru such services, the digital village provides justice, reduces corruption, collects information, makes business, creates youth employment)
  
  -The current events for building infrastructure like the fibre is inline with the vision 2030 for Kenya. The government cannot help you set up an enterprise - it can only enable you to do so thru such projects as fibre, and creation of friendly policies that protect your intellectual property, enables your work [eg software] to have value, etc etc
  
  -The vision 2030 covers 3 main pillars - aside from the popular 'economic' renaissance
  
  ->economic pillar
  ->social pillar - equity [not the 'members' bank] but equal opportunity for all
  ->political pillar-politics to be issue based, politicians to take risks and not fear lack of re-elections
  -example - politics based on popularisms e.g passing the "maternity leave for men" bill make politicians popular but affect our economy...
  
  CONTENT
  
  -Dr Ndemo talked about preachers appearing on our own version of 'youtube' so that those of us in diaspora can catch up with home sermons. This also includes those who pretend to work in the office and love the gospel - they can catch up with more constructive episodes online.
  
  -The provision of local and accurate videos online for example traditional dances that can be sold to those studying culture. This can be sold !
  I know of a Kenyan studying in Japan a few months ago who was hired by a kindergarten school to show the kids an 'african dance'. [pics on facebook]
  He found a kikoi in a crafts shop that had maasai patterns. Then he and a friend performed an 'isikuti' dance in maasai attire.
  But how could they ever know the difference ? The kids were quite happy to see an 'African dance'.
  
  -We can also throw Kamaru and Mike Rua, Sukuma Bin Ongwaro etc on our own version of youtube and charge subscription for those in 'diaspora' - think USD. 5 dollars for 1000 kenyans for a period = USD 5000 dollars.
  
  -In summary the world needs our content - and we need our content
  
  -Digitising of government information and putting it online for easy availability. This alone can create numerous jobs and revenue.
  
  Dr. Ndemo talked of trying to do a research one day to find out the number of Internet users.
  He was directed to a mountain of files [am sure you have a picture,,, the dust, the makonge strings, the musky odour] and he was told to look through those.
  Now imagine if this was searchable through a computer database after categorising and serialising the documents [jobs].
  
  -Registration of phone numbers - to identify a user to a number
  
  -Product information online and pricing, aside from availability - eg for pharmacies, electronics etc.. this can save one alot of driving around.
  
  -Exams, pass papers, research papers provision online, online assignments - you can charge per download [or per click :) ] thru deals with institutions like the university.
  Students globally are always repeating the same things we did 15 years ago... why not charge for content provision.
  
  -However, Dr Ndemo warned on pricing - charge cheaply and the masses can afford. ksh 2 X 1 million = 2 million.
  -The problem with some content/services pricing is someone trying to pay their rent/car loan with a few big sales - this discourages buyers, and encourages piracy
  
  -Digital TVs - provision of over 1000 channels . This provides a huge market for advertising. I was also thinking - what about building the database ?
  
  -The AGOA issue is well covered by Josiah on his blog
  [blog.josiahmugambi.com]
  
  -And yes its true - there is no native word for 'enterpreneur' or 'breaking even' or 'positive productivity' in our languages
  
  -Example of some of our decisions : Policies such as land division are flawed. The farmers have subdivided their land so-o much that they are no longer viable to support food for the normal 1 year of crop production
  
  -It took some of us 40 years to realize that coffee and tea are no longer profitable [think small scale farming] - we stick to various businesses that barely break - when in reality, their time has passed.
  
  [google "the 5 stages of small business" - the last stage is not very good news for those of use with small businesses, but changes do happen and will happen - we need to change too]
  
  
  Bret Bullington
  
  Bret is from silicon valley and is on kenya for a while. Joe Mucheru called him a capital venturelist [who could actually fund/promote your ideas].
  
  Bret's short speech advised us not to re-invent the wheel because most of the opportunities we are looking at now have been tried and tested in the USA since the advent of computers in the 70s, the internet bubble in the 80s and now the age of the portability.
  
  We should look at what is working else where and try it here. [This reminds me that Japan began as copiers, now they are the leaders.]
  
  He advised to borrow ideas and sell them in our own country. For example, he quoted two German brothers whose keeness [is there such a word?] is to 'borrow' new ideas and adapt them in Germany.
  They took 'facebook' and tried to introduce it in Germany. A television company bought 'their' idea - and they moved on to fetch and adapt another,, and another,,,
  
  +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
  And from Alex Gakuru:
  Adding my contribution to this 'crowd-sourced' blog entry:-)
  
  > -There was a promise by Alex Gakuru/ICT board for support of IT community
  > through a 3 stage funding by the World Bank
  >
  > 1) training for a 1000 software managers - to be determined by a criteria
  
  see below
  
  > 2) provision for 1,000,000 laptops to kenyans - to be determined by criteria
  
  I am a member (representing FOSS and ICt consumers) in
  multi-stakeholder steering committee appointed by the PS that is
  jangling with the 1 million laptops implementation
  parameters/framework. Included also are hardware vendors(Intel and
  HP), Microsoft, banks, universities, University students, World Bank,
  telecommunication companies, ICT Village, community ICT development
  organisation, among others, led by the Kenya ICT Board.
  
  Polished detailed will be publicly announced once the committee
  thrashes out the many surrounding issues. This is a Ministry of
  Information and Communications initiative, being implemented by the
  ICT Board with participation of diverse ICT stakeholders. Paul Kukubo
  Chairs this committee.
  
  > 3) i cannot remember the third point - but it has to do with support of
  > IT/ICT/Development projects [which I would assume includes the support for
  > content generation for local use]
  >
  
  Thanks for making time for skunkworks meeting...
  We were pleased PS Ndemo found time to speak to us.
  
  Kenya now has a grant US$ 3 million (Kshs 240 million)
  over next 2 years from the World Bank.
  
  Funds to be used for ICT incubation partner institutions
  support. The partners include universities and institutions
  that will provide incubator facilities (e.g.land/premises)
  The ministry of Information, through Kenya ICT Board,
  will facilitate the incubators with industry linkages and
  promotion of those facilities
  
  The second component Software Projects Management
  Certification. Targeting 1,000 local software developers,
  this will support them have internationally recognised
  Software Development Standards-will attract business.
  
  The third component will involve assistance on software
  Intellectual Property protection e.g. patenting games,
  animation, and other local patentable digital innovations.
  
  PS reiterated, there are more local content development.
  funds available at the ICT Board.
  
  I asked for the governments plans on O3Bnetwork.com?on the
  To assure connectivity throughout Kenya/far flung areas.
  (Someone please contribute the response..)
  
  Appreciated Multi Media University's continued support.
  Venue was their courtesy donation to skunkworks.
  ICT Board was thanked for sponsoring chai and mandazi.
  
  Mr. Jotham Mwale represented MMU - gave vote of thanks.
  
  I hope this illuminates further and that you can make
  use of the opportunities presented.
  
  Sincerely,
  
  
  Alex Gakuru

My Road To Wealth

• Why Prudent Financial Planning Pays Off

  Posted: July 27, 2009, 6:55 pm by JK

  One of the best illustrations of how two people earning the same amount of money can end up in significantly different financial circumstances can be found over at The Simple Dollar blog. The scenario presented is that of two guys, … Continue reading →

The Alpha Quadrant

• (The scarcity of) Water

  Posted: July 22, 2009, 9:07 pm by J

  
  I did a bit of travelling this past weekend. Urban and rural Kenya offer rather stark contrasts, including forms of shelter, the concept of wealth, and life priorities among other things.
  By accident or design, Kenya is still largely dependent on seasonal rainfall for agriculture, something that is unfortunate considering the world we live in. This, coupled with the rather alarming rate of deforestation, makes me wonder whether a place like Nairobi will be habitable in the next few years. Already a biting water shortage has afflicted Nairobi, and many towns, and this does not look to be changing soon. The shortage is not being helped by the numerous illegal water connections. A case could be made for the implementation of technology that would make it possible to monitor water flow, pressure and potentially narrow down faults in the whole distribution network, but one wonders if that wouldn't just become another white elephant.
  In rural Kenya, the folks here are highly dependent on their farms for food and income, and thus during a bad season with poor rains, they suffer. This is unlike urban Kenya where water is used mainly domestically.
  I'm pretty sure there's enough brains in Kenya to come up with a lasting solution to this dependence on rain for food..
  A few things that could be done, some at relatively low cost :
  harvest rain water - I know of one family that has a 40000+ litre tank (and an additional tank of 'only' 10000 L), harvests rain water. This is just one household. Imagine this on a larger scale.
  recycle water - Large factories, hotels, institutions
  Don't waste it.
  Most of the current conflicts and future conflicts are and will be about resources, and especially water.
  
  
  

My Road To Wealth

• Personal Finance And The Gender Gap

  Posted: July 20, 2009, 11:28 am by JK

  An interesting article on Reuters caught my eye as it continued to explore the much-investigated “gender gap’ between males and females, this time on my pet subject of personal finance. According to Reuters: “Men and women handle their personal finances … Continue reading →

• Networth Update – June 2009

  Posted: July 14, 2009, 2:54 pm by JK

  I should have done this 2 weeks ago but life has a way of disrupting your best laid plans. Since i started on my road to financial freedom, i have always enjoyed reviewing my networth growth. Like everyone else, i … Continue reading →

The Alpha Quadrant

• Mimi

  Posted: July 10, 2009, 11:17 pm by J

  Happy birthday Me
  
  I thank Yahweh for enabling me to see this day :)
  
  

My Road To Wealth

• Living In Debt And Living It Up

  Posted: July 7, 2009, 10:59 am by JK

  Been out of town a couple of days now and like everyone else been engrossed in the Michael Jackson story which threatens to get juicier with each passing day. Already we know that the King was bald, weighed a measly … Continue reading →

• What Is The Right Age To Start Saving?

  Posted: June 26, 2009, 2:57 pm by JK

  If like me you are an avid reader of all matters to do with personal finance, the cartoon (see below) of a toddler fretting over his lack of savings is a hoot. I simply loved it! But beneath the humour … Continue reading →

• Early Start

  Posted: June 26, 2009, 2:55 pm by JK

  Early Start

• Money Advice for Twenty Something Year Olds

  Posted: June 23, 2009, 12:24 am by JK

  Jane Kui writes in as a follow up to my post about the “Fundamentals of Wealth Creation” and asks a question that many in her position ask themselves a lot: I would like to know how to go about saving, … Continue reading →

• Are You Likely To Be Rich?

  Posted: June 19, 2009, 12:06 pm by JK

  I recently came across an interesting quiz that brought home all the fundamentals of creating wealth that i wrote about in a previous article on MyRoadToWealth. The True/False questions asked were: 1. If asked how much money you have in … Continue reading →

• The Fundamentals Of Wealth Creation

  Posted: June 18, 2009, 8:07 pm by JK

  In order to get yourself on the path towards financial freedom, it is important to remember some basics of wealth building that will serve you well along the way. These are not merely my views on the matter but are … Continue reading →

• Finding Money To Invest

  Posted: June 17, 2009, 2:48 pm by JK

  I recently wrote an article on Saving For Retirement where i demonstrated how Ksh. 20,000 saved monthly for a period of thirty three years from age 27 to age 60, you would have savings worth a whopping Kenya Shillings 19,735,720 assuming a conservative 5% annual growth rate. Jennifer writes in to say that, like most Kenyans, [...]

• Trashing A Million Dollars

  Posted: June 15, 2009, 9:00 pm by JK

  A story about an Israeli woman who threw away a mattress containing a cool one million dollars belonging to her mom really brought home the age-old “money under your mattress” form of banking that was a favorite of many in days gone by. According to CNN.com: A woman in Tel Aviv, Israel, gave her elderly mother a [...]

• What Would You Do With A Million Bob?

  Posted: June 15, 2009, 8:43 pm by JK

  EasyFM has been running an advertising campaign that encourages listeners to text in a code and stand a chance of winning One Million Kenya Shillings! Well, there definitely is no shortage of promotions offering millions of shillings to lucky winners. Safaricom has an interesting way of publicising their winners by calling them Kenya’s newest millionaires. Now [...]

• Investing Options For Investment Groups

  Posted: June 15, 2009, 3:18 pm by JK

  Today in the Business Daily there is a captivating article on investing options for investment groups (popularly known as Chamas in Kenya) The article came just as i was reflecting on my own reluctance to join investment groups due to the fact that most members really just never know whats good or bad investing strategies which [...]

• Investing For A Comfortable Retirement

  Posted: June 15, 2009, 2:46 pm by JK

... jamaapoa ...

• Yesterday was Labour Day

  Posted: May 2, 2008, 8:02 pm by jp

  I did not have much to do. Between channel surfing and newspaper browsing, I relived the memories of yester-years labour day celebrations. Jean was nowhere in sight. She decided it is those days she hibernates in a salon for a whole day in the name of "I am my hair".For our close-knit nuclear family, it was always a tree planting day. A day when the whole family would wake up and walk to our

• Kenya's 10-day Paternity Leave: Will the newborns celebrate?

  Posted: April 21, 2008, 1:49 pm by jp

  Last year, Kenya parliament passed five critical labour laws which were assented into law by President Kibaki a few weeks before the 2007 elections. The laws came into effect March 1st 2008. These were: Labour Institutions Act, Labour Relations Act, Occupational Health Act, Work Injury Benefits Act and the Employment Act.The Employment Act entitles Kenya women workers three months paid maternity

• Kenya is so messed up

  Posted: April 16, 2008, 8:49 pm by jp

  This is my 100th post almost 2 years since I launched the blog. A milestone, I guess. As I flashback I can see I did not live up to be an avid poster and my blogosphere network is negligible if not inexistent. It could be by design, not accidental. After all, isn't everything predestined.Unfortunately things are not right in Kenya right now.My worst nightmare, the Mungiki, has come home to roost

• The pain of desperation

  Posted: April 7, 2008, 6:10 pm by jp

  Right now I am in a rage. A rage that is mixed with despair. What to do; that is the question. Someone, somewhere, right now is causing pain and anguish to a people I hold so dear. A people I hold so close to my heart. I know this someone, and have reasons to believe they are the cause of this misery. Nevertheless, I do not have credible evidence against them. Yes, it is a serious matter. A

• It is Easter and there are no Christians in Kenya

  Posted: March 20, 2008, 1:03 pm by jp

  Last Sunday was Palm Sunday. I traveled upcountry to join the local Christians there in celebration of...palm Sunday, I think. The city and its environs were full of same old same old processions. The Pentecostals ignored the day altogether and went on with their normal prosperity gospel. Aren't things back to normal? Tomorrow is Good Friday, ushering in the Easter weekend. It is rote. Kenya

• Nairobi Stock Exchange Needs Urgent Reforms

  Posted: March 13, 2008, 2:06 pm by jp

  Following the receivership of Nyaga Stockbrokers, it is very clear that the NSE and its member firms are ripe for major structural and process reforms. A form of business process restructuring/reengineering should be done. This is solidified by the fact that a further four stockbrokers are said to be shaky and all this barely a year after the collapse of Francis Thuo Stockbrokers.
  
  Before addressing the question of reforms, why should the Capital Markets Authority (CMA) and Nairobi Stock Exchange (NSE) act as joint receivers whenever a broker is in the red? Do they really act in the interest of the broker’s creditors? Where do they morally draw their mandate? Are they independent and non-partisan in the broker’s failures?
  
  For example, the broker has a seat at the NSE and the CMA earns some percentage of broker’s commission to sustain its operations. The CMA earns license fees from the brokers. The NSE members are also in competition with the broker in the red yet they are expected to adjudicate in a competitor’s failure. Is it not more prudent to have a professional accountancy/management firm act as receiver manager in such cases?
  
  How would Jimnah Mbaru be objective as NSE chairman when his firm Dyer and Blair will stand to gain from the transfer of clients from the fallen firm? Or James Wangunyu, NSE Vice Chairman and MD of Standard Investment Bank? It is a tall order to expect them to be objective.
  
  NSE reforms that have been mentioned in the past include demutualizing the NSE thereby making it a public company, registration of more brokerage firms, more autonomy and power to the CMA, other stock and commodities exchange markets to be allowed to operate and instilling corporate governance at the NSE. Is there an internal audit department at the NSE and what is their role in interrogating the daily operations at the trading floor? Has there been an assessment of the controls within the trading environment, ATS and CDSC to prevent abuse of the processes and systems by the over-zealous and money-minded dealers?
  
  Further, brokers should be required by law to publish independently audited financial accounts on a regular basis. The NSE should also publish its accounts regularly. Brokers should be encouraged to have an internal audit function whether in-house or outsourced and adoption of international accounting standards and other internal controls standards as well as issuance of standard back office system requirements. The old boys club needs to be broken to allow for more professional and ethical practitioners.
  
  The CMA needs more Stella Kilonzos in their ranks up to the chairman level who are ready to instil discipline and order in the management of stock brokers without fear or favour. A strong CMA may be the best market oversight body after all, with all the legal backing to boot.
  
  Hopefully, Ms Stella Kilonzo will be confirmed as CMA CEO, a position she has held in acting capacity since Dec 07. Nevertheless, her chances are slim. She may have rattled NSE hawks and they know how best to install a stooge at CMA. Especially when CMA starts issuing temporary trading licenses, pending compliance, at what used to be an obvious and unchallenged annual renewal routine.
  
  

• Master of My Emotions

  Posted: February 19, 2008, 11:40 am by jp

  If I feel depressed I will sing
  If I feel sad I will laugh
  If I feel ill I will double my labor
  If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come
  If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals
  Today I will be the master of my emotions
  
  
  

JM

• Of a Spiritual Quandary ...

  Posted: February 8, 2008, 12:01 pm by jm

  I grew up on latrines … I mean I grew up using latrines for number 2 and anywhere for number 1. For the slow ones, I grew up deep in the village. I used to go to school barefoot, with no vunda every other day (tulikuwa tunashare na bro …), and torn shorts and shirts … and a protruded belly … tulikuwa tunasukuma ugali na sukuma kila wiki …tungali … PSYCHE …
  
  I used my first modern toilet at the “tender” age of …ummm … 9 or 10.
  
  That was when I was shipped to boarding school for the first time. I remember looking at that thing and wondering “just how do you use this thing?” … granted the HOLE was bigger than the kijiji ones, but it was also HIGHER up … it was impossible to assume my village position!
  
  But as y’all may (not) know, the village endows you with plenty of skills which are useful at problematic times such as those …
  
  So I CLIMBED…
  
  And CLIMBED … until I went to high school …
  
  It took a harsh lesson to “STOP CLIMBING” … toilets that is …
  
  You see, I ate quite well after KCPE. My first CLIMB in high school was the last one to-date. I climbed, and came down “mid-work” with the whole damn thing. Talk about shit hitting the floor … but I did learn the “methodology”
  
  
  The other day, I mean many years ago, in a drunken daze, I walked into a “kibanda” and proceeded to order some samosas “to go” …
  
  And go I did …
  
  The kao-kyuk in me took over: Alas … I mean haraaa …
  
  To make it worse, I was in my local church, working hard to stifle a nice nap that was threatening to muzzle the pastor’s Hallelujah … it was my punishment for spiritual insubordination.
  
  So I dashed to the “recently dug” latrines. There at awaited my disaster. In no order, this is my list of complaints:
  
  The HOLE seemed like the size of a cup mug opening
  
  It was triangular – meaning your “ass-gymnastics” had to be pin-point
  
  It was, quite literally a few inches from the door, meaning that your said gymnastics would only be perfect if your knees were outside the “shed” consequently implying the door had to be open …
  
  The shed was 1 BY 2 or thereabouts in dimension … as if intended for dwarfs or something …
  
  Dear Lord, amnesty It was a smear campaign …am nasty ...
  
  
  Amnasty.

• King "dong"

  Posted: February 4, 2008, 12:15 pm by jm

  
  
  
  I was here and I saw this ...
  I am still trying to work out the ratio but it's teetering dangerously close to infinity:1
  
  And you thought things were thick??
  
  
  

• Predator vs Prey

  Posted: January 17, 2008, 12:50 pm by jm

  I have a phobia for rats.
  
  Last weekend, I walked into my kitchen and found a giant, nay, a hybrid rat bathing and splashing away in some milk I had boiled and kept in a sufuria for my breakfast tea. I chased him, through the sitting room, out of the house, through the shamba,until he disappeared through a small hole in my neighbour's house. I knew he'd be back unless I did something …
  
  There are virtually no lions at the Aberdares Game Park. They were all culled to preserve the endangered giant hog and some exotic sounding gazelle … There are, indeed no predators that can boast to have downed a buffalo (save for old and sickly ones) in that game pack in the recent past … yet the buffaloes still stick together … in big herds …because they think the lions will get them if they don't … so they keep eating the same grass - with neither colour nor nutrients - …afraid to venture out where the lush green grass awaits … for there the fearsome lions lurk … so their memory tells them … if only one brave buffalo would dare venture out …
  
  Let me tell you about the gian trodent that was bathing in my milk...
  
  He is now dead. I went to my neighbour and relayed my adventure. Then we both took sticks, poured hot water in that hole and did some serious rodent community work. We killed the swimmer, his numerous wives, and several younglings that were being groomed for terror. I did not burn down my neighbor's house … which would have produced the same effect – a dead rat (s).
  
  As we grieve about the current situation in our country, let us ask ourselves:
  
  Who has wronged us? Is it the rat or the neighbour?
  
  And oh, I almost forgot about my buffaloes ...
  
  THINK PEOPLE:
  
  Who is the prey and who is the predator? Does the common Omondi have more in common with the common Mwangi or with Raila and Kibaki respectively? Folks we are prey, yet we are preying on each other, weakening ourselves ... wait till the predators close in on us in our weakened state ...
  
  IN OTHER NEWS:
  
  I AM BACK.

... jamaapoa ...

• The art of losing gracefully

  Posted: January 6, 2008, 10:15 am by jp

  The Swahili of East Africa have an old saying that says 'asiye kubali kushindwa si mshindani', loosely translated, 'one who does not agree to lose is not a winner/competitor'. The paradox of this proverb is that the winner's winning attitude is best evident when he loses. How he handles his loss emotions, feelings, rage and tantrums. How he mourns and grieves his loss. The winner in him is even more evident when he loses unfairly, and all losers do, at least to themselves. Which human being has never lost? Do all go throwing bloody tantrums?
  
  Nothing justifies the wanton destruction of human life and property, just because one lost. There are claims of rigged Kenyan presidential (and parliamentary???) elections and a supposedly illegal president. Kenyans have been denied independent specifics of which polling station (it should be narrowed down to the polling station level), how and how many votes were illegally added? The rigging sword did cut both sides, the EU observers implied in their report. Are claims of rigging really enough to kill, maim and displace a neighbour you have lived with for years just because he/she comes from the president's tribe and assumingly voted for his/her tribesman? What happened to the rights of the people of Kenya?
  
  I have heard that the winner needs to give space to the loser to vent, some human rights activist said that. Does that mean venting on the blood of the winner's presumed supporters, their land, houses and property? Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies it. Kenya is slowly creating warlords, and lame warlords for they do not know how to calm the emotions of their servitude. The retaliation to this 'venting' has not been making the situation better. The disciplined forces have their count too. An earlier tamed dragon, the Mungiki, is coming home to roost. I am scared. I weep for my beloved country Kenya. Will we see tomorrow?
  
  To quote a radio station retort to a quote by one lord of the losing side that said, 'it is the perseverance of a river that turns it into an ocean' I also ask, an ocean of what? of blood?
  
  In my opinion, the burden of proof and humility lies with the loser. If the losing side cannot factually and verifiably show how they lost unfairly, let them be the statesmen, the stateswomen, the patriots, the nationalists, the pan-africanists, the liberal democrats they claim to be.
  
  Let them do what the 'unfair' winners have failed to do.
  
  Let them put the peace of our country first.
  
  Let them drop prejudices, the tribal propensities, let them trim their egos.
  
  Let them have a grip of their supporters' emotions and actions.
  
  Let the take full responsibility for their actions and those of their supporters.
  
  Let them stop provoking the emotions of their base support (even in Mombasa! the Eldoret case is not enviable honourable Najib Balala, what are you upto? another Exodus??? such limelight will take you nowhere).
  
  Let them stop whipping international emotions against Kenya. CNN or BBC prime news coverage is not worth the blood of Kenyans.
  
  Let them know there is a life after losing, another contest, another winning chance.
  
  Let them respect the constitution, and change it constitutionally, where it doesn't serve Kenya well.
  
  Let them visit Rwanda-with all due respect to the Rwandese.
  
  LET THEM LOSE GRACEFULLY.
  

• mwariwadavid blog

  Posted: December 5, 2007, 9:25 pm by jp

  Just went there, as I always do, once in a while and found this:
  
  
  
  What happened to such a good blog or have I missed something?

• The Car you Drive - Learn Something

  Posted: December 3, 2007, 2:02 pm by jp

  One motivational speaker once said that the most successful people around are ALWAYS the ones who are willing to go that extra mile, focus their extra time on worthwhile goals. I like the analogy he used of traffic on the highway..........
  
  Here it is:
  
  If you stand next to a highway (e.g. Uhuru Highway) you will observe the following general trend in the traffic:
  
  @ 04:00 to 05:00 in the morning: you'll see a few cars on the road.
  Mostly MLs/ S-class /SLK Mercs, 7series/ Z3/ X5 BMWs, Prados on the rush to airports, meetings, etc. Transporting the rich, entrepreneurs (so called "captains of industries"), executive politicians, diplomats etc. These guys are living proof that money/power DOES lead to happiness and fulfillment. They just can't help their greed for more money/power.
  
  Ironically most of the poorest of the poor start streaming in their hundreds and pass Uhuru Highway into town (mostly on foot and some in matatus) to be ready to serve the above. They work just to keep their minds busy and to sustain their hope.........hope that things will get better, hope that one day they'll win that illusive Lotto Jackpot! ...Like the BAT 'shinda Dinga' promotion or Safaricom's 'Shinda Millioni' promotion. No wonder they are easily fooled with "you are the proud winner of Toyota/Nakumatt/GM/Unilever promotion. Please send airtime to 071000000 to claim your price". The pathetic wages they get are by a factor of a 1000 times not worth their effort.
  
  @06:00: The above cars start disappearing, and in come the C-class, 5&3 BMW series, Isuzu dcabs, Xtrails, CRVs, Subarus, Cherokees, Audis and the Land Rovers Discoveries in their hundreds driven by the Bourgeoisie.
  
  These are "Rat-racers" with their MBA degrees, diplomas, plastic money and credit access. They think they've made it! Wearing trendy shades (be it sunny or not) and fashionable attire they portray a grand image......one common in movies, adverts etc. Take away the credit cards/facilities and in three months you won't see these cars on the roads.
  
  @07:00 to 08:00 in the morning: More rat-racers/cum-working-class steal the show in the thousands of Toyotas, Nissans, Mazda, Camrys, Familias, Hondas, Hyundais,VWs, Opels, etc
  
  This is also the time when more accidents happen! They all share one thing in common........STRESS! They are stressed about congestion, petrol costs, their finances, their relationships, their restructuring organizations,ODM, NARC,Mungiki, the country, EVERYTHING............
  
  As the day progresses.........click-clock..... click-clock.....click-clock.....
  
  Come 5:00 you start seeing the same Toyotas, Nissans, Camrys, Familias, Hondas, Hyundais,VWs, Opels, rushing back to rented homes, loans, shopping malls, Sukuma Wiki etc. Stressed, stressed, stressed!
  
  @6:00 they get joined by the C-class, 5&3 BMW series, Isuzu dcabs, Xtrails, CRVs, Subarus, Cherokees, Audis and the Land Rovers. Tired from Backstabbing, Skinnering, Boot-leaking and wasting time in senseless meetings!
  
  The traffic congestion becomes unbearable.........by the look on their faces, things are really BAAAD.
  
  @8:00 As the traffic congestion slowly abates, the GIANTS start dominating the scene again. The Porsches, Jaguars, BIG Mercs, BIG BMWs and Prados glide through the same road. With their fat bank accounts, these guys are fine. Everything seems to be convenient for them............the roads are generally free when they go to/come back from whatever it is they do! Generally they look relaxed and happy, evident in their courtesy when relating to other road users. Life is really Good!
  

• Is Safaricom worth more than all the companies at the stock market?

  Posted: November 29, 2007, 6:51 pm by jp

  Ever since the Government announced its intention to sell off a portion of Safaricom Ltd, there has been confusion about the company’s fair market value.
  
  
  Vodafone PLC had offered $100 million about (Shs 6.7b) for an additional 10 per cent stake but the Government refused saying that the offer was too low. At that price, Vodafone had valued the company at Shs 67 billion (6.7 x 10 = 67). Then in this year’s budget, the Government announced that it expects to raise Shs 35 billion from the sale of 25 per cent of Safaricom through an IPO at the Nairobi Stock Exchange. That puts the value pf the firm at Sh140 billion (35 x 4 =140).
  
  
  But recently, ODM, when criticising the sale of 51 per cent of Telkom Kenya to a strategic investor, stated that with 8 million subscribers, the fair value of Safaricom is about $8 billion or Sh520 billion.
  
  
  Is the fair value of Safaricom Sh67 billion, Sh140 billion, or Sh520 billion? Investors value a company based on its potential to make good returns. This is assessed from profits and value of net assets. Safaricom made Sh12 billion in 2006/07 and had Sh33 billion in net assets at the close of the financial year. To get a fair value, we compare it to an equally profitable company and one in a similar line of business.
  
  
  In the first category, East African Breweries Ltd (EABL) is appropriate. It made a profit of Sh6.1 billion 9after tax) in 2006/07 and its shares are valued at about Sh150 each at the stock market. EABL ahs 659 million shares, therefore, its market value at the NSE is about Sh99 billion. This means that investors are willing to pay about 16 times the profit for ownership of this company. If we apply the same ratio to Safaricom, we get a market value of Sh192 billion (Sh12b profit times 16).
  
  
  The net assets of the two are Sh19 billion for EABL and Sh33 billion for Safaricom. That is, EABL’s value is about 5.2 times its assets. Therefore, using the same factor, the market value of Safaricom should be Sh 172 billion (5.2 x Sh33b).
  
  
  Among those listed at the NSE, the company in the closest line of business is Access Kenya. It made Sh47 million in net profit in 2006 and had Sh130 million in net assets on 31st December 2006. Its current market value is about Sh3.6 billion. Applying the same factor to Safaricom yields a value of Sh924 billion- higher than the total value of all the companies at the NSE! Comparing the net assets of the two companies yields a Safaricom value of Sh 913 billion. The average value from the above calculations is Sh550 billion.
  
  
  Nonetheless, the government expected Sh 5 billion from the sale of 51 per cent of Telkom Kenya but it got almost Sh 27 billion. If it can repeat that feat, then we can expect to get about Sh190 billion from the sale of 25 per cent of Safaricom. That translates to Sh760 billion.
  
  
  (Article appeared on Sunday Nation 25th Nov 07. Article by Mungai Kihanya – www.mungaikihanya.com)

• I am very much around

  Posted: November 29, 2007, 6:36 pm by jp

  I am not good at announcing my blogging sabbatical leaves and returns. I just vanish and reappear in the hope that I do not have fanatical disciples whose daily bread is my lost mind. Sometimes I feel like I was abducted and re-engineered to do their bidding. Not fans. Aliens. Not a good cause!
  
  
  Rose Kimotho of Regional Reach, well known for Kameme 101 FM has done it again! This time with a 24 hour news channel, Channel 29, dubbed ‘K24’ – All Kenyan, All Time. I thought it will be a TV version of Kameme FM. Nay. It has shed the expected vernacular focus. K24 has a sizeable number of new faces in the media industry. In its top cream team is Eric Latiff who started in Kameme, went to KTN as a news anchor and is now back to his roots. Another media golden chap is Bernard Otieno, former Nation TV sports news presenter and a mid-morning presenter at Nation FM, now Easy FM.
  
  As usual, we sit in the periphery and observe its progress. Going by the fact that it is only one week old, broadcasting test transmissions, with big shots in the corporate world choosing to advertise on it, it is on its way up or down.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  I have heard people singing worship to NTV’s ‘Cobra Squad’ scripted and directed by Alfred Mutua, the Kibaki Government Spokesman whose hobby is into scripting action movies. Ha! It reminded me of the days of KBC ‘Tahamaki’ the crime bursting action series in my boyhood. Maybe it is the age gap, but Tahamaki made me shiver to the point of nearly wetting my pants. It made me harden my resolve to check under the bed, an unconditional reflex routine to date.
  
  
  Cobra Squad is naught! The storyline may make some sense to be less harsh on Mutua but the characters are fake and unconvincing! The storyline is a plot not a reality. The stunts are bogus! The gun shots are flashy! The toy house bursting into flame was phoney! Dubai is a mirage, super-imposed images! Alfred should focus on making his characters internalize their roles. Mutua should watch more of Tahamaki re-runs.
  
  
  NTV should invest in something better, maybe rekindle Wingu la Moto. Just like KBC should find something better for Inspekta Mwala to do.
  
  
  On the other hand, thumbs up to ‘Tahidi High’ on Citizen, ‘Makutano Junction’ on KBC and ‘Papa Shiradula’ on Citizen. Mama Kayai and Ojwang’ in Vitimbi and Ondiek and Alexander Josphat in Vioja Mahakamani still make my increasingly stone-faced face crack a smile if not a laugh.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  I bought a loaf of bread the other day. It has been a while since I bought one and was shocked to be charged Shs 32 for the 12 or so slices of 400grams of puffed up wheat. The kiosk mama told me that is one of the cheapest brands! What’s wrong with our economy? What happened to the 22 slices of bread we used to share in a family of six? Really, times have changed and things are better, aren’t they?
  
  
  Surely, this would not have been enough for our gluttonous stomachs then! Such spiralling prices remind me of the Kibaki’s much touted 7% growth. High bread prices mean better prices for wheat farmers, they say. I have slight of doubt about that but not feeling fiscal and monetary at the moment.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  And the dollar! Kibaki is so good it has depreciated and our Shilling is much stronger. In a matter of months other African countries will base their currency to the strong Kenya Shilling. I think it is time we shifted our base currency to the Euro or even better the Japanese Yen. Our export producing farmers and tour operators are not having a ball.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  Into politiks, ‘mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?’ I always wonder whether either of them has the future of Kenya at heart. If so, then, we have very patriotic, nationalistic and angelic individuals among us, whose interest it to better the lives of Kenyans.
  
  
  To consider the good of others before theirs. Ready to die for the world in general, Africa particularly and Kenyans specifically! No selfish interest, no vengeance, no hate, not tribal, just the general good of mankind. For whom is heaven created for? Kenyans are screwed! Damned if they do, damned if they do not.

JM

• I Came, I Saw, I almost Conquered ...

  Posted: October 23, 2007, 10:15 am by jm

  Parting Words ...
  
  
  Back then … in another time zone …
  
  I used to dream up posts.
  I used to fantasize them at work
  And even after work, late into the night …
  I used to write pre-drafts, drafts and final versions of my posts …
  Blogging made me happy(iest …)
  
  
  BUT NOW:
  
  The Mojo is gone.
  Not much motivation
  No more dreams about posts …
  
  YET:
  
  I honestly do not feel like I miss it!
  Maybe I need a break …
  Maybe blogging was my escape from missing Kenya …
  My way of connecting with Kenyans without being physically present …
  
  
  NO MATTER:
  
  Let me continue watching from the sidelines
  Let me take this break
  Let me fcking enjoy Kenya …
  And (if or when) am over the fun …
  I will (might) be back ….
  
  
  IT’S BEEN:
  
  Real
  Funny
  Educating
  Fcking Controversial
  
  BUT MOSTLY
  
  Thoroughly Enjoyable!!
  
  THANK YOU ALL!!
  
  (Hugz) to all chicks (with a special kiss for *one* mnamjua na anajijua )
  
  Menacing look to all jamaaz :)
  
  
  Kwaheri Ya Kuonana …
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

• Mother of all Coincidences ...

  Posted: August 29, 2007, 1:21 pm by jm

  I am working from a block generously given to our project at the Kakamega Provincial General Hospital. Comp speeds there are much better than at the hotel, lakini I can't praise 'em too much ...
  
  That's why am blogg ... oops (sending my report to head office) from "downtown" Kakameka ...
  
  So, routine for coming to said downtown is very simple; request a dere from the Operations Manager huku hivi, and if there is one free, ni wako ...
  
  So Mburu was free sasa hivi. he decided to test my Kisapere once we started the 5 minute drive or so ...
  
  Dere: Where is home?
  Me: Nai
  Dere: Nai where?
  Me: [I told him Nai where ...] as in huko shagz ...
  Dere: Am also from those sides ...
  Me: Those sides where?
  Dere:[He told me those sides where ...] as in more shagz than those sides of ours ...
  Me: Ehe ... My mum is from [the same place that dere is from] ...
  Dere: What is her name?
  Me: Njeri ...
  Dere: Njeri of who ? [ am translating direct ...]
  Me: Njeri of ... [I told him Njeri of who ...]
  Dere: Haiya, Njeri the one married to Mbitu?
  Me: Yes, that one, am the son ...
  Dere: Do you know her your grandmother and my mother are sisters !!
  Me: Errr ... kindA no ...
  
  So dude is my uncle or what? Kind of a small world, ain't it?

• Kakamega update ...

  Posted: August 28, 2007, 3:41 pm by jm

  What am Not Liking About Kakamega
  
  Missing her ...
  Mosquitoes with teeth
  White lizards
  MONSTER birds - I hear they beba kidoz ...
  Hotel Renovations
  DSTV - step up guys!! GTV ndio mambo - need to rewatch that Man U game ...
  Dial-up at hotel @ 10/= a minute!! WHAT!! It takes 5 MINUTES 2 load a page ...
  
  What Am Liking
  
  Office staff - very hospitable
  Local choirs - I swear these Omunduz can sing ... almost missed lunch listening to a church belt out some tunes ...
  Hotel Food - pleasant surprise - never failing on the kuku ... too bad I don't get reimbursed for the cold tuskers ...
  
  
  Will be back in Nai on Friday ...

• Love

  Posted: August 16, 2007, 3:01 pm by jm

  is a beautiful thing ...it teachesit frustratesit fulfils and it rocks.i loveher.

• Mwangilicious ...

  Posted: August 14, 2007, 6:14 am by jm

  I have become so Mwangilicious these past week ...
  
  I may not be an equal opportunity employee (eoe) (trust me, I have seen what my bosses and some consultants are making) but I definitely am an equal opportunity employer (EOE).
  
  I mean, on my first day of work, after the Mat had dropped me in Westi (hapo kwa round about ya Sarit) ... I decided to get my only pair of work shoes polished. So I sat on the stool, spread me three legs and put two of them on the stone, leaving the third one to the mercies of the merciless August morning breeze ...
  
  "Sema Mwangi ..."
  
  I looked up, wondering nani huyo. Before I could utter a word, the shoe shiner replied and said "Nikwega Muno ..." (Poa sana ... loosely translated) ... No biggie ... Mwangi's are many so sio coincidence that Mwangi was both the doer and the doee ... with the shoe being the object for the dirty minds out there ... (I have since reformed ... ) lol ...
  
  Lakini Mwangi the doer seems to be lazier than Mwangi the doee. Si I struck a rapport with my namesake and made it a habit of letting him do my shoes kila asubuhi, often, ongezaing a kaloose 10 bob extra ... but he started sleeping and I like being at work by 7.30 AM meaning lazima awe hapo by 7 ...
  
  So jana I hamad to the other side ... a street down towards Waiyaki Way ... hapo Woodvale Grove. I sat down and perfomed the now memorized leg spreading ritual ...
  
  "Uga Mwangi" ... (hi Mwangi)
  
  Okay this time it had to be me the doee but ALAS ... it was the doer once again. "Di mwega muno" (I am very well ) replied the doer as he pokead the gazeti from the newspaper man.
  
  This morning, he did me shoes again ... it seems I can't escape me. I really want to know how many of us shine njumus in Westi ...
  
  parting shot ...
  
  Is it plainly obvious that I smoke something extra ... I mean I don't think ... I mean I can't remember ... I mean no I don't ...
  
  So yesterday evening as I am waiting hapo kwa jam Westi ... this guy approaches me ... immediately I become very alert, waiting, ready for anything. I know he is definitely fixed on my trajectory. When he fikas, he tells me:
  
  "Bro, makuti mii husambaza ... unataka?"
  
  I was momentarily lost in the lingua. Okay sambaza I have since nyambuad from SafCom ... lakini makuti ... err ... then I smelled the unmistakable aroma that was the delight and delicacy of my college weekends na huko hivo mbali ...
  
  I told him "zii".
  
  
  Lastly:
  
  Galileo's Kesho night is a plot.

• Utamu tu ...

  Posted: August 6, 2007, 3:29 pm by jm

  Mbuzi walidedi last sato
  Wataendelea kudedi ...
  Na yenyewe tutusker bado tutamu ... kwanza tukiwa baridi ...
  Seasons .... lunch deadly sana
  Java ... I feel like a minority in my own country ...
  Kengeles ... live band raha kiplani lakini itabidi niende Galileos ...(?) ... naskia huko ndio inabamba ...
  Nini ingine ... hmmm ... ah, ok ...
  
  Milo - tick - anafanana na Bro kiplani ... lol ... lakini haezi meza tusker na rate yangu ...
  M - tick ... seems serious, focussed ...
  Jade Kitten ... tick ... guys drool ... ni hivyo tu ...
  Vagabond ... tick ...
  Unyc ... tick and then tock ... then tick again ... ebu waambie ...
  Bants ... ati "niko kwa jam jogoo road ..." keep time next tyme ... hehe
  Modo ... pending
  Mishale ... Pending ... niaje hiyo Charity Shield ...
  Methu ... pending ... lakini nina idea ... risto nimeskia ... looking 4ward ...
  Komi ... pending uko wapi?
  Kipepeo ... unanihata nakuhata ...
  Kirima ... pending ... holla kabla urudi jobo ...
  Boyflani ... leta mambo ...
  And others: 4give me if I left ne1 out ...
  
  Fcuk me ... ain't nothing like nyumbani !! Ni kutamu vimajor. Definitely worth ... even though I know mtasema eti "familiarity italeta contempt ..." ... I think I heard the same thing about e-love ... hehe ... guess ni nani anacheka ... watch this space ...

• Back Home ... Day 4

  Posted: August 2, 2007, 10:57 am by jm

  "Mwangi, Mwangi ... WAKE UP ...WAKE UP"
  
  That was my mother this morning as she banged on my door at 6 am.
  
  "WTF for?" is what I was going to shout to her but checked myself just in time. Apparently, the mere fact that she was leaving the house to go to work warranted my waking up. Ati haezi acha mtu kwa bed ... WTF ... I was snoring again before she even fikad kwa gate ...
  
  I went by the office where I'll be working from Monday. Guys were friendly, dress code as casual as the DC Office ... and plenty of work ... they were wondering if I could start today to which I diplomatically declined ...
  
  It's GREAT to be back home. Damn!! Kwanza am starting my Masters @ USIU in September. Hakuna kucheka na mtu . Basically stato can kiss my black ass ... sioni nikirudi ...
  
  Err ... as for NANDO'S UPSTAIRS ... it went gr8 ... really gr8 ...
  
  These characters:
  
  Mishale, Bants, Modo, Milo, Komi,Jade Kitten, Kirima, Methu, Nick, and anyone else am 4getting. Am hoping 2 meet you all soonest ...
  
  I was thinking I was gonna take my time, stay with Mami for like a month before I look for a place, lakini she'll be lucky if I maliza a WEEK @ home. 6AM ananiamsha nifanye? Alafu ikifika 8 sijamcall ati nampatia stress ... I need OUT ... lol ... saidieni jameni ... any recomendations welcome. Place has 2 be secure, accessible. Price, isipite 35k a month.
  
  Sweetie twende ...

• How I met my Babe ...

  Posted: July 31, 2007, 12:18 pm by jm

  Where: Nandos Moi Avenue upstairs ...
  
  

... jamaapoa ...

• Earthquake prophecy: Is death a punishment?

  Posted: July 30, 2007, 10:02 pm by jp

  Dr David Awour, the scientist who prophesied in February this year that Nairobi will be hit by massive earthquake destruction is at it again. A week after the seismic tremors experienced in most of East Africa, he has prophesied that more catastrophic destruction is on its way.
  
  God is still angry with Nairobi and has vowed that Nairobians will wake up one day and not know where to go to work. Most of the buildings will be brought to the ground by the quake. The bone of contention is more on the sins of the men of God who have desecrated God's altar and done abominations more than that Nairobians yields to the sinful nature way too much. There is no way out for sinful Kenyans unless they repent in sackcloth in a national day of prayer. Yeah, sackcloth! God will accept no other penitence other than the one done in sackcloth. Full Stop.
  
  My business mind tells me this is a golden business opportunity to convert sisal sacks into wearable sackcloth. I hear sounds of Amen. If simple tremors occur now, Kenyans will troop to my stall full of sackcloth. I will just make sure it is away from tall buildings and is made of sackcloth. It should be next to open ground where people can kneel and cry to God. It will be safe from the collapse of tall buildings. I digress.
  
  Massive earthquake destruction will lead to loss of lives in Kenya, says the prophet. Inquisitively, I ponder: Is death really a punishment? To me death is an eventuality. If you escape gun shots, disease -terminal or otherwise- accident, murder, fallen buildings, lightning strike, drowning, earthquake, famine, suicide and all others causes of death, death will still be your destiny, a certain eventuality. Does it really matter that you don't die today and die tomorrow? Between a JP who lived in 001BC and one who lives in 2007AD, who is more advantaged? Who will have more life than the one who will die in 500PC (Post Christ). Does it matter if a departed loved one died a day later? Mmh I am mixing things here.
  
  Another angle to it, is, why is God interested in atoning Kenya, Gomorrah style? I thought the biblical gospel as opposed to the old testament decrees that God has allowed the rice to grow along with the weeds? Only in harvest time will the rice be separated from the weeds. Rice to be threshed and put in the barns. Weeds to be gathered in bundles and burnt. Attempting to burn the weeds as they grow in the rice fields will burn the rice as well. Let them grow until harvest time is the biblical philosophy. Or is Kenya full of weeds relative to other countries?
  
  Well, judgement day is nigh according to the prophet. Repent or perish! Just like John the Baptist's voice that cried in the wilderness, will Kenyans listen? Time will tell.
  
  Meanwhile, if you are in Nairobi, stay away from tall buildings.
  
  
  

• The fears that linger

  Posted: July 27, 2007, 10:22 am by jp

  It was one of those visits to the village. This was one of those clear sky and warm afternoons; a cool fresh breeze blowing from the east obviously making its journey to the west. All was calm and cool; peace having bonded with soil. I was strutting around enjoying the clean air oxidized overnight by the majestic blue gum trees which towered above all. These exotics “mithili ya ukoloni mamboleo” cunningly and quietly sip the underground water reserves that my grandson will one day need. There are no more indigenous Mugumo and Muratina trees that once skirted the horizons of this area. I would frequently stop to receive accolades from the ever smiling villagers.

  
  

  In a huff, everyone in the shopping centre started running helter-skelter. The dreaded Mungiki gang had raided the village. No one would say so as they referred to the gang as “watu wamekuja” (people have come!). Before the stupid city boy in me could ask which people, everyone had vanished! Only then did I see vicious well-built young men like me carrying pangas and machetes charging towards me. It dawned on me that there are times you do not need to negotiate death with death. I ran as fast as my feeble legs could carry me. (Ha! I ran as fast as a deer….good old primary school days).

  
  

  The only way out was to the local Wamicuba pub as all other shops were closed and there was no one in sight. Talk about survival. The usually crowded market was now empty with scattered vegetables and mitumba clothes the only evidence that minutes ago warm-blooded creation filled the place. I made a desperate dash for the Wamicuba pub as the waitresses struggled to close the doors.

  
  

  In a second I was in and the waitresses had gone to hide after a failed attempt to close the doors. I did not make it far inside given that the place was dingy. It was my first time there and therefore I could not make out the geography of the pub. I knew there must be a backdoor to the court behind the building. I had to look for it fast and probably hide in the tea plantation beyond.

  
  

  I did not make it. For one, some young drunk men blocked my way. Secondly, two members of the gang, Kamau and Njoroge caught up with me before I could decide in my head whether that was a staircase I saw to some rooms up there. The possibility of upstairs confused me since there are no storey houses around here. The young men sobered up from their kalikali gaze once they saw Kamau and Njoroge brandishing their newly sharpened pangas. One young man told Kamau not to harm us since we were all “inside the house” an apparent reference to Mungiki membership.

  
  

  There was a moment of relief as Kamau smiled and it looked like he and his gang aide will leave us for more catch out there. Kamau is a bright young man and he demanded proof that we were all truly inside the house. In his mind he devised a simple way of telling the wheat from the tares; the greeting style! It was not a simple handshake affair.

  
  

  Kamau clamped his fist and directed it towards me.

  
  

  “Hii hooo!” Kamau roared. I was caught between the estate sewage and the Nairobi River. What do I say now? I wondered.

  
  

  “Hiii” I muttered. There was no two way around it. Fate has conspired. Kamau slapped me hard and pushed me to the left.

  
  

  “Kumbafu hii!” he snorted in satisfaction. In an instance, I was uplands meat. Ukitaka kuchinja nguruwe, chagua aliyenona, the Swahili say. I was a fat one to Kamau.

  
  

  “Hii hooo!” Kamau roared again, clamping his fist towards one of the once-intoxicated man.

  
  

  “Tiririki!” came the response with a firm knot of the clamped fists. That was it. The rest had it easy and I was led to the slaughter house.

  
  

  I thought of running from where I had fallen when I failed the test. In a flash I saw my headless body gasping for breath and spurting blood like I was having a bloody orgasm. I saw my skinned head grinning from a green paper bag in the market place. I realized I deserved better or at least my flesh needs some decent treatment even in death. It had served me well for over twenty years. Furthermore, I could not just run from Kamau and Njoroge, his lot were too friendly it hypnotized.

  
  

  I was led out of the Wamicuba pub. According to Kamau, they would not kill me, but I needed to be cleansed. They had to take me to the Italian from Sicily to be cleaned. We set out for the cleansing ceremony in the mountains, Kamau and Njoroge leading the way. They were sure as death that I was not running away. Like sheep being led to the slaughter house I followed loyally. There are times in life when you run out of options and destiny takes over. We passed by my shamba where I was growing grass for the government (ama hii gava ni ng’ombe?). I had even secured a Nissan urvan van which I used to ferry cut grass to the government silos.

  
  

  Njoroge was curious and furious that I never converted the Nissan into a matatu. He was concerned that I denied them income. However, since I worked for the government I was an asset. There was no way the government would kill or imprison me. He reasoned further that while I worked for the government I would assist “The House” in varied ways.

  
  

  As we approached the mountains, we had to jump some barbed wire fence that separated the village from the Nyayo Tea Zone plantations. It was an easy deal for Kamau and Njoroge to jump off the fence but the city boy could only manage to pass in between some two barbed wires that ran parallel to each other. The city boy got stuck as he bent and attempted to pass through the wires.

  
  

  When I looked up, still trapped in the barbed wire, I saw a former school mate who was picking tea for the government. I asked for his help in getting through the fence and he pointed to another opening that would fit me. Still I let out a desperate whisper for help. “Unaona venye naenda, tafadhali nisaidie”. That was supposed to be a coded message to him that other than the wire trap, I was also in another trap that I needed to be rescued from.

  
  

  Not far from there we arrived at a thatched hut inside the Aberdare ranges where the cleansing ceremony would take place. Kamau and Njoroge went in to brief the Italian from Sicily of their conquest as I waited outside. Down the valley I saw the majestic Chania River clear as crystal gushing down the mountains. A spot along the river bank where the cleansing ceremony would take place had been cleared. On the opposite side, more recruits were arriving, being led quietly down the valley to the slaughter house.

  
  

  From the thickets behind the thatched hut, slowly, men draped in long jungle jackets and face painted in black mud started emerging. They were armed and were quietly surrounding the hut. They were the deadly Kanga squad from the Kenya Police who have been charged with the duty of clearing the Mungiki gang. My plea for help through my former school mate was bearing fruit.

  
  

  The Kanga squad started shooting randomly towards the hut and the surrounding. As far as I knew none of the gang members nor the recruits had guns to return back the fire as the police spokesman would say. There was no ‘shootout’, just one-way shooting of the Mungiki gang and the recruits who were yet to join the gang. I was caught up in the melee. I was also a target of the Kanga squad despite being the one who asked for help.

  
  

  When fate seemed thick, I switched to my duo role of a government task-man taking breakfast in a five star hotel as I prepare to make a presentation of how we will deliver the Teams Fibre Optic Cable by June next year. In front of me are eggs, bacon, cornflakes, uji, fruit salad, sausages, an assortment of beverages and bread. Anyway which one of the two would a city boy prefer; in a thicket being shot at and pumped with bullets or taking a fatty breakfast?

JM

• Raison d'être ...

  Posted: July 25, 2007, 2:12 am by jm

  Have you ever wondered what your reason for being in this world was? Have you ever felt yourself willing to "do good" but neither knew what "good" was nor how to "do" this good? Are you concerned about the systemic problems that affect our dear country? If so, what are you considering? Unado nini kusaidia?
  
  Can we get to a point where we are responsible Kenyans who care DEEPLY and are passionate about our country? Can we influence and encourage each other to think outside the self?
  
  
  If you are not bored already with my makelelez ... I have a little story 4 you.
  

  
  

  The Story ...
  

  
  

  “Mzungu is here, mzungu is here!” screamed my little brother. I have never determined if his childish exuberance was occasioned by interacting with the only white person he had ever seen or from eagerness at the impending candy that the priest always brought him. Nonetheless, I shared in none of his excitement. I was incredulous that the priest had chosen Christmas day - the most important holiday - to deliver his usual “repent or perish” sermons at our house. I would have preferred to perish on that day. I was in for a shock ...
  

  
  

  Then something strange happened. Usually, the whole family would sit attentively as the priest pleaded for our souls. On this day however, my mother condemned my younger siblings to their bedroomswith one dismissive motion and with a surreptitious smile at the priest, also disappeared, leaving me with the priest - Mano -a- Mano. I immediately smelled a rat. “Joshua, your generation is in danger of becoming extinct,” opened the priest. "Kae ena devo umuthi," I wondered to myself. I expected him, as was his custom, to delve into the holy book to support his thesis but he continued, as if substantiating my silent assessment “If you youngsters keep having premarital sex at this rate, Kenya’s future is bleak. This HIV will finish all of you …”

  
  

  I was perspiring from all pores by this time. Sex and HIV? They were taboo. Seldom did any of them get a mention in everyday conversation yet he had the temerity to combine both in one sentence. Oblivious of my embarrassment, he kept talking sex, then HIV, and then more sex. I had to endure a whole hour of his rebukes without the usual fortifying therapy of a cup of coffee. And when the coffee finally came, it came only to the priest ...
  

  
  

  As if in cahoots with the priest, the Kenyan President was at it with HIV-AIDS in his address to the nation the same evening. He announced that the government was going to import millions of condoms to be distributed freely, to stem the high rate of infection. Ironically, he then beseeched, in the same breath, all Kenyans to abstain from sex for one year! Now let’s face it. Kenyans will not abstain for one year. They will not even abstain for a month. In fact, for some people, one day would be one day too many!

  
  

  The events of that day are still as vivid as a nightmare to me. Many years have passed but the prophecy in the priest's ominous warning on that day remains true. In my village alone, I have seen adults atrophy to bare bones. I have witnessed close friends orphaned on account of the disease. I have attended funerals in which everyone knew the cause of death, yet theofficial eulogy read the cause of death as Tuberculosis, Pneumonia, and even Kaposi’s sarcoma because of the stigma attached to HIV-AIDS. I look forward to a day when that shall be no more.

  
  

  Most importantly, the priest's makelelez on that day remains more influential than any sermon he ever delivered. I am acutely aware of the responsibility on my shoulders. I wish we all were. I aspire to be an example to the little kids in my village and in my country, on the essence of responsibility and compassion. That done, I am sure I will meet my maker a happy man, devoid of regrets, and with a legacy. This is my ambition, and it is independent of how much money or success I achieve.
  
  Whereas problems in society remain a vexation to my soul, I remain confident that our generation can, and will overcome. Let's embrace the weight of this responsibility. Pass on the baton. It is our time to shine. Bring it on ...
  
  
  
  
  ps: The story, and the characters in it are fictional. Any resemblance to characters in real life is unintended and regretted.

• Dem tags again !!

  Posted: July 24, 2007, 3:30 am by jm

  I was tagged informally by Irena and officially by kipepeo.
  

  
  

  RULES:

  1)WE HAVE TO POST THESE RULES BEFORE WE GIVE YOU THE FACTS.

  2)PLAYERS START WITH 8 RANDOM FACTS/HABITS ABOUT THEMSELVES.

  3)PEOPLE WHO ARE TAGGED NEED TO WRITE THEIR OWN BLOG AND THEIR 8 THINGS AND POST THESE.

  4) AT THE END OF YOUR BLOG POST, YOU NEED TO CHOOSE 8 PEOPLE TO GET TAGGED AND LIST THEIR NAMES (Scared yet…..you better be!)

  5)DON’T FORGET TO LEAVE THEM A COMMENT TELLING THEM THEY ARE TAGGED, AND TO READ YOUR BLOG

  
  

  Since I have already done a tag in the past, I won't repeat the same.Instead, I'll list 4 positive qualities about me and 4 things that I am looking 4ward to improving upon in the coming days:

  
  

  + ve

  
  i) Passionate
  ii) Ambitious
  iii) Smart
  iv) Generous
  
  
  Areas to work on ...
  
  i) Humility ...
  ii)Temperament ...
  iii) Tolerance ...
  iv) Procrastination ...
  
  Tagged:
  
  3N
  

• The Letter of My Life ... 7 Years Later

  Posted: July 18, 2007, 1:26 am by jm

  
  
  I rarely write letters. I wrote and mailed my very first letter in January of 1992. I was in std 4. A week before, my parents had dumped me @ MGPS to begin life as a boarder, at the timid age of 9. The big boys @ MGPS had just done what big boys @ MGPS do to small monos; take their food from home, take their pocket money, and practice WWF moves on them . To this date, I have never crafted another letter to my parents, and I mean NEVER, and I love them to bits ...
  
  This post is about a letter I wrote in October 2000. I was preparing for the KCSE. I it to GOD. Ndio, sir God - the one above. I have always carried it with me whenever I change locations. In a few weeks, this letter, in as bad a shape as the original paper is, I will be framing this letter and hanging it in my crib. It has become the letter of my life, a wondrous testament to the blessings God has bestowed in my life thus far, and more importantly, a constant reminder of the great blessings that await me going forward with my life.
  
  I am copying this letter, word for word as I wrote it back in 2-thao. I have witnessed a great blessing from God the last couple of weeks. As such, the sole intent of reprinting this letter is to praise God for his providence, and to seek his strength going forward in the new path that he has charted for me.
  
  
  
  
  God Help Me To Succeed (October, 2000)
  
  
  God help me to succeed
  To be of good courage
  To believe in myself
  To be hardworking, devoted and dedicated
  
  God help me to succeed
  To double my efforts
  To know that you
  Are on my side
  
  God help me to succeed
  To know that the issue
  Is not succeeding:
  But how well
  
  God help me to succeed
  To know that I can make it
  And to know that you
  Shall not forsake me
  
  God help me to succeed
  Not to wane in my confidence
  Not to bring to disappointment
  I, others and you.
  
  I want an A.
  
  
  PS:
  
  Thank you God for your goodness.

• Happy Hour Tales ...

  Posted: July 18, 2007, 3:04 pm by jm

  Jana, the Finance team at jobo had a happy hour here. I always enjoy drunken vibes with my work colleagues. I was acquainted to a combo of Hypnotic-Hennessey; I gotsa sample me some more of that. Given that I just got to jobo and mkubwa bado hajafika (am taking bets on severity of the Hangi …kando), wacha I recount jana’s shenanigans …
  
  
  “That Truth Come Out When You Drunk”:
  
  What is it about junguz and kissing ass to Africans? Am not talking about the mjolobo angle …
  So this chick, after downing kadhaa glasses of red-wine ensconced herself between me and anaa jungu pal who spent 2 years in Meru working with Peace Corps. So me and me mate were raruaing storoz about Nai, helping dude praco his drunken Swa … halafu chick interrupts;
  
  “I’d love to go 2 Africa.” [Wrong Start Bitch, we are talking about Kenya here …]
  
  [Makes it even worse]
  
  “Since I was young, I’ve always wanted to be a primatologist so I could study gorillas and monkeys in Africa …”
  
  [wuuusaaa, wuuuuusaaa …. ]
  
  Surely, is there a better way to ruin a conversation? Yaani chick grabs stereotype hugs it tight na haezi achilia. I was narrating this to a pal and he raised a very interesting point. Granted that she wanted to study monkeys … kwani Africa is the only place with nuguz? There are primatologists who have never left America!! Hmmm …!! Wonder where chick’s dream got derailed!! I mean Finance is a far cry from a monkey ….
  
  
  “Which Beer”
  
  We had two guys from our Cameroon office that had just arrived in the States for training. Si we pelekad them happy hour, you know, show ‘em how we do.
  So what beer do the jamaas want? They are looking at the happy hour beers; Heineken, Amstel Lights, Miller Lite, Corona ….
  Then my buddy says “ since you guys are in America, you should drink American Beer” …
  I warned them ( like brotha 2 brotha) that they were about to make a colossal mistake …. Lakini hawakunini? Hawakuskia ….
  “Bring me a that … miller …”
  
  First sip …
  
  “This is better than all the beers” proclaims Cameroonian 1 ….then we proceed to bambua why Samuel Eto’o wasn’t voted African Player of the year … men and football … pure bliss ….
  
  But I knew dude was kissing ass to his American hosts …ama ilikuwa beginners luck?
  
  Kadhaa beers later , after tongue has been loosened, waitress comes for the next rau of orders … jamaa volunteers:
  
  “Bring me 2 Heinekens!” …. Nicheke ama nisicheke … fcuk it … am rarukaing ….
  
  
  “The Bill”
  
  A $ 300 or thereabouts tab between 7 people for a Tuesday happy hour is rather innocuous, but can potentially harm one’s wallet if made a habit. But big-ups to the boss. He really demonstrated with words how employee motivation should be done. That means I can afford one more happier hour before the weekend comes … hmmm … where?
  
  
  
  Ps: Is it just me or is this week taking like a month to get done?

... jamaapoa ...

• Reuben Kigame Re-marries

  Posted: July 16, 2007, 5:16 pm by jp

  Reuben Kigame, a popular Kenyan gospel artist and Christian apologetic is set to remarry on 3rd August 2007 to one Julie Alividza Mugone. Kigame as a singer has a number of gospel hits to his name such as 'wan wadhi ka Yesu', 'wastahili bwana' among others with his Sifa Voices team. As a christian apologetic, he once stood against Benny Hinn's doctrine while the latter was on an evangelical mission in Kenya in 2000.
  
  Kigame, who is blind, lost his first wife, Mercy, in a tragic accident on September 6 2006. For Kigame's young family, relatives, friends and fans, this was traumatizing news and all wondered how Kigame will sail through the loss. He had just launched Fish FM, a Christian radio station in Eldoret. Getting another helper will go a long way in helping Kigame and his young family cope with life.
  
  According to the Bible a spouse is bound to the other as long as the partner is alive. After death one is allowed to remarry. A believer -allow the spiritual lingo- can also remarry if the unbelieving spouse leaves them. However, such a believer cannot seek divorce from an unbeliever so as to remarry. Except for divorce cases caused by immorality, one cannot remarry after divorcing. For the latter, they should remain single or be reconciled. If you are still married, you cannot remarry. Young widows should remarry asap! Over 60 are advised not to. They should be taken care of by their children or the church. If you remarry e.g. after divorce, you cannot remarry your former spouse if you leave the new spouse.
  
  Listening to Paul, it is better to stay single, always; a sure way of human extinction!

JM

• The Shaftage ...

  Posted: July 16, 2007, 12:48 pm by jm

  We interrupt the Shaft to bring you this shaftage ...
  
  In footballing terms, Brazil is to Argentina what Methu is to Tato. When them boys get on the field, it's SBJ galore, as in shaftage bila jokes. Tato bend over ...
  
  Anyway on my way to watch the Copa America final , I was exchanging texts about the looming match with a high school buddy in California. Here is the transcript:
  
  JM: Brazil wins 2 - 1. This is prophecy
  
  C : 3 - 0 argentina. Mark my words.
  
  jm: lool. I have better odds 4 a 3-some!!
  
  C: Wow! Your odds must be pretty dann good, coz arg will kill brazil. U will need some love after we deal with bra.
  
  JM: May the carnage begin ...
  
  After the game ...
  
  Brazil 3 - Argentina 0.
  
  JM: Call it reverse psychology ... hmmm ... mkanyango !!
  
  C: Looks like u won't be having that 3-some ...
  
  JM: lol, yeah unfortunately not ...
  
  
  Moral of the story: Tato ... bend over ... see analogy above.
  
  
  ps: Non-football fans, umieni!! I'll be back with the shaft...

• Part 2 - Prelude to the Action ...

  Posted: July 10, 2007, 8:40 pm by jm

  Mama Gertrude's Lessons:
  Before we see which BT rider steps out first, it is perhaps instructive to understand what these KBW chicks were all about. What do we mean they all graduated sumna cumme laude? What did this portend for the BT-riders? What skills and lessons did these mamaz bring to the table? Hereby, we expose for the first time some long-held secrets from Mama Gertrude's courses that were presented to us by one of our undercover reporters ...
  
  
  LESSON 1:
  
  "May the Force be in You"
  
  According to Mama Gertrude, sexual satisfaction was, contrary to popular belief, quantifiable. How? She unleashed a formula in one of the most famous lectures ever delivered @ the Gertrude school :
  
  
  P = M1 * D^2 / M2
  
  P = pleasure
  M1 = mass of male subject ...
  M2 = mass of female subject ...
  D = separation distance before contact …
  
  key assumptions:
  
  i) male subject in question is on top ... see numerator :)
  ii) access is STRICTLY horizontal
  
  As such, for maximum pleasure, the aim is to maximize the numerator and minimize the denominator, implying that:
  
  

  1. The bigger the guy, the more the pleasure ... threshold mass set @ MAX twice mama's mass ...
     
  2. The guy should "fall in" from as far as possible without compromising accuracy, and to the extent that mama's flexibility will allow. Distance d, is best maximized without compromising accuracy if and only if mamaz knees are acquainted with her shoulders ...
     
  3. The smaller the mama, the more pleasurable the act. Important caveat: Mama Gertrude warned that threshold weight for mama seemed to be roughly 100 pounds, below which the formula couldn't be applied with reasonable certainty ....

  LESSON 2:

  "Mojo ya Mjolobo"

  Mama Gertrude's second lesson was titled "Positional Awareness". There in, she prescribed that:

  
  "It is important that one pays attention to the specification combinations for the key and lock so that acceptable tolerances are considered and adequate safety factors applied ..." The key/lock ratios is popularly known as the M/S ratio, i.e, the mjolobo : slit ratio
  

  Consequently, the mamaz were advised to be meticulous about the following factors:
  

  1. temperature generated (proxy for friction)
     
  2. key length and thickness
     
  3. slit size
     
  4. buoyancy .... (proxy for lubrication factor)
     
     
     

  LESSON 3

  
  "Poetry in Motion"
  
  This was a lesson in self-confidence. Mamaz had to recite the same verses, two times every day; before lunch and before calling it a day - with a cup of water to clear the throats and make it sound as awesome as it should have:
  
  Freak I am ...
  Stick I’ll break ...
  Streak I’ll break ... (for fake BT-riders secretly playing away games)
  
  The faster it falls, the harder it hits ...
  The harder it hits, the further it bends ...
  The further it bends, the likelier it breaks …
  
  3N had no idea how skilled these mamaz were as he commanded the door to be open. He is about to be introduced to match his knowledge from Baba Gertrude's self-pleasing DVD with the creme de la creme of KBW. Atatoboa kweli?
  
  And the other BT-riders? Will they want to venture after seeing 3N's fate ?
  
  We'll see ...

... jamaapoa ...

• Kiss FM Nairobi stars fails to stir

  Posted: July 3, 2007, 9:57 pm by jp

  A little excitement made me rush for the Nairobi Stars, the new tabloid on the street by Kiss FM. Despite the aggressive marketing campaign, it failed to impress and will be a while before I grab another copy. Could be I am not in the target market niche. I seriously wonder what went wrong at the editorial desk and the printing press:
  
  

  • Despite being all coloured, the front page colour scheme was dull and not catchy.
    
  • Coloured photos would have appeared attractive on glossy paper.
  • Wondering whether they lacked a good artist to design the Nairobi Star Logo.
    
  • www.nairobistars.co.ke is non-existent and so is nairobistars.com. Misrepresentation!
  • Juicy headlines, no meat; just like the standard.
  • Assistant health minister abortion assertion is one-week old news...a detailed account of how he helped a nun get an abortion would have been better.
  • Story on Jeff Koinange lacked flesh, just stating the obvious and the rumoured.
  • Where is the column by John Githongo? Hopefully his diary while in government and not preachy stuff on corruption, if his column ever comes
    
  • Kamlesh Pattni on business: why Pattni of all the 'businessmen' in Kenya?
  • How to start a business Pattni's way;
  • Research: Know the big shots, who they listen to and how much cash will move them
  • Expert Advice: A little pressure from above will make experts throw caution to the wind and you have your way. CCTV works wonders when distributing cash to politicians
    
  • Documentation: Shred, shred, shred and physically trample the hard disks
  • Patience: Greed is not being impatient.
    
  • Risk: Be prepared for extended remand sessions, long hours testifying in commissions of inquiry into your business acumen and genius, public name calling etc. Money made in business still guarantees you a good life
    
  • Good article by Carol Mutoko...had to 'bail' out her mom from industrial area police station for overlapping using an old police friend. Reminds me of "Do you know anyone?" Me thinks her column is better off as a blog post in KBW than in Nairobi stars.
    
  • I expected something to the effect that Radio Africa Ltd will be listing at the NSE in the next four years in a public IPO.
    

  Just like the Business Daily by the Aga Khan/Nation Media group, Radio Africa Limited (owners of Kiss FM, Classic 105 and now Nairobi Stars) have the financial muscle to sustain Nairobi Stars for as long as it takes without making money from sales. In addition, as long as full page adverts keep running through the pages, our 35bob does not matter anyway. With that in mind Nairobi Stars will keep printing, hopefully they will improve over time but for now I go back to good old time religion: the Daily Nation. Wish them well.
  
  I still think politics sells. Politics is part of real life stories that happen every day. Even Business Daily shelves its business angle whenever there is huge political story.
  
  Too bad that such a crazily marketed paper would not join the ranks of the Daily Nation and Standard so soon. Kenyans know no tabloids, just the gutter press!

JM

• The Bilaz Train Comes to KBW ...

  Posted: July 2, 2007, 2:02 am by jm

  PART 1: THE BILAZ TRAIN EXPOSED
  
  
  Disclaimer:
  
  This is the Story of the Bilaz Train (hereafter BT). More aptly, this is an inside scoop on the BT from a passenger's perspective. Thanks to the infinite mercies of a certain guest blogger and yours truly, we offer telling secrets, quietly observed and recorded whilst riding on the BT, as it snaked it's way towards the KBW station. All characters in this revelation are fictional. Any resemblance to characters that you may or may not know is unintended, and thus the authors do not regret in advance ...
  
  Introduction:
  
  Self-Loving:
  A secret past time activity on the BT, an essential survival tactic. Akin to how Milo discovered milo at the tender(well not so tender) age of 11. The motto on the BT was simple; love thyself as thou would like to be loved.
  
  
  The adherence to this motto on the BT was almost religious; so much so that it was brazenly reflected in the nomenclature of the crew and passengers of this BT in all sorts and manners of phallic representations:
  
  Boyflani: had been quoted on SleezeNews saying "I have found true love within myself. It's safe, cheaper and no pressure to perform." He had further quoted Vandorss " If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with!" Who could argue with that, atleast he was not in denial like the others
  
  Aco: claimed to be excercising ... he was lifting a weight alright
  
  Bantuts was keeping KIKWETU KIKWAKE...na venye ye hujiswaga, hujimanga, hujitwok, hujitandika.

  EGM- and his long shooting zoom in "lens"

  Lijiwe with his even smaller lens

  Aegeus and his so called Castle.

  Spidey; and his so called battle within.

  \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Modo\n Athi\u003c/span\>: and his ngothaless nutty dreadlock who was kicked out of the\n Mungiki for be\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>head\u003c/span\>ing\n thyself.\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cbr\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"2\" style\u003d\"font-style:italic\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>All\n phallic representations of the desert storm that they were fighting fully\n armed. Yaani in this case THERE ARE weapons of mass destruction but there is\n no female Bush to come unearth them.\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt;font-weight:bold\"\>\n \u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>\u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>More phallic\n representataions:\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>\u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>\u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Archer\u003c/span\>:\n ati a quiver full of arrows? Or a quivering quiver full of\n arrows?\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>\u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Kirima\u003c/span\>:\n loosely translated into making a mountain out of a mole hill!\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>\u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Stackofstiffy's\u003c/span\>....need\n I explain ...?\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cbr\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-style:italic\"\>\u003c/span\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-style:italic\"\>\u003c/span\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-style:italic\"\>\u003c/span\>\u003cbr\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>There was a palpable\n silence as the ",1] ); //-->Modo Athi: and his ngothaless nutty dreadlock who was kicked out of the Mungiki for beheading thyself.

  Archer: ati a quiver full of arrows? Or a quivering quiver full of arrows?

  Kirima: loosely translated into making a mountain out of a mole hill!

  Stackofstiffy's....need I explain ...?

  
  

  The Train Itself ...
  

  
  There was a palpable silence as the Bilas Train\u003c/b\> rumbled into the KBW station. It was a\n perfect Spring evening and the KBW women outside looked dazzling, nay,\n coruscating. Hands that were hitherto \u003cb\>plucking\u003c/b\> and \u003cb\>strumming\u003c/b\> on\n an assortment of individually customized instruments during the journey to the\n KBW Station shot up to the mouth in amazement:\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cbr\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n "\u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>\u003ci\>Ptuh\u003c/i\>, \u003ci\>ptuh\u003c/i\>,"\n spat \u003cb\>Aco. \u003c/b\>"Fuck!" cringed \u003cb\>3N\u003c/b\> as he also wiped his mouth. They\n had forgotten to wipe off the thick, creamy juice that had accidentally oozed\n onto their hands - a byproduct of the immensely pleasing, albeit overdone\n strumming. \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Kip\u003c/span\> on the other hand was too\n busy with his other hand\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\> singing Whitney's\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-style:italic\"\>"..there comes a point when we exhale yeah\n yeah...SAY! Kip! Kip! Kip! Keep it Kip!"\u003c/span\>\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Mwangi's\u003c/span\>\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-style:italic;font-weight:bold\"\>moaning\u003c/span\> glory was\n also interrupted before the proverbial cock crowed.\u003cbr\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cbr\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>Kumbe the stories these KBW\n mamas over-blogged about were true!! The windows on the BT were now crowded;\n wide, eager stares. \u003cb\>Alert instruments.\u003c/b\> The KBW field had no bushes, the\n ladies were out of circulation amidst the crop rotation they practised!! The\n field was not only fertile, but looked prime to be unearthed, explored, and\n discovered by bull-driven ploughs. The tilling and ploughing imagery was\n driving guys nuts. Could anyone on the BT handle these fields? Could their\n hand-held jembes penetrate this seasoned loam soil? Outside lay Soddom and\n Gomorrah and inside the train were anatomies which had turned into pillars of\n salts.",1] ); //-->Bilas Train rumbled into the KBW station. It was a perfect Spring evening and the KBW women outside looked dazzling, nay, coruscating. Hands that were hitherto plucking and strumming on an assortment of individually customized instruments during the journey to the KBW Station shot up to the mouth in amazement.
  
  While the BT had been journeying towards destination KBW, there were many passengers who had prophesed abstinence ... impotence ... ignorance. Their moment of reckoning was nigh. How would they react? Who was going to steal a move on the others? Who would jump off into the inviting KBW festival of darts?
  
  It was Mishale who had proposed the hymn. He was seconded by EGM and "thirded" by Mwangi because these latter two also knew the hymn. It was from Songs of Praises. The explicit intention was to extol the KBW sights and sounds that now graced them to Were, the great creator. But Mishale had secret perverted fantasies that he needed verbalized. He rendered the bass thus and was joined by his unsuspecting mates;

  
  

  We plough the fields and scatter

  The good seeeed* on the laaaaand* * = stress points ...

  But it is fed and waaaatered* ....

  By God's almighty hand\n ...\u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cbr\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>This hymn catalyzed a\n heightened testosterone level on the BT. \u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp align\u003d\"justify\" style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"2\"\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Bookman Old Style, serif\"\>Thank the heavens that the\n BT arrived at KBW just on time!! This excess testosterone  might have\n otherwise induced some interesting behaviour on the train. Even \u003cb\>Milo\n \u003c/b\>would have started to look pretty; causing \u003cb\>Bomseh \u003c/b\>to chant\n \u003ci\>repeatedly "Me I Love Milo Regardless."\n \u003c/i\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Couch Tato\u003c/span\>, who once overheard\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Jiwe \u003c/span\>whispering to\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Aegeus\u003c/span\> \u003ci\>"I wish I knew how to quit\n you!"\u003c/i\> would have been in no position to judge Jiwe, for\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>tato\u003c/span\> would himself have had a weak moment\n with \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Spidey\u003c/span\>. Heck, even\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>3N\u003c/span\> might have had an urge to put his 3N in\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>BoyflaNNNi\u003c/span\>.\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Mwangi\u003c/span\> was almost getting ready to assume\n Position Impossible with \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>Bants\u003c/span\>. Mwangi was\n wearing his Train conductore uniform and Bants was gettin ready to play the\n role of the young innocent stoaway with no money for his\n ticket...\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold\"\>\u003c/span\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold;font-style:italic\"\>Meanwhile .... @\n KBW:\u003c/span\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003cbr\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>The mamas were ready. They had the milk shake, and they were in\n the yard. Which boys were going to come first? They flaunted their expensively\n assembled and packaged paraphernalia. They were READY. They were qualified\n too!! To be a resident of KBW, the uncompromising prerequisite was a\n ",1] ); //-->By God's almighty hand ...

  
  
  This harmonic rendition catalyzed a heightened testosterone level on the BT...
  
  

  "Ptuh, ptuh," spat Aco. "Fuck!" cringed 3N as he also wiped his mouth. They had forgotten to wipe off the thick, creamy fluid that had accidentally oozed onto their hands - a byproduct of the immensely pleasing, albeit overdone strumming. Kip on the other hand was too busy with his other hand singing Whitney's "..there comes a point when we exhale yeah yeah...SAY! Kip! Kip! Kip! Keep it Kip!" Mwangi's moaning glory was also interrupted before the proverbial cock crowed...

  
  Kumbe the stories these KBW mamas over-blogged about were true!! The windows on the BT were now crowded; wide, eager stares. Alert instruments. The KBW field had no bushes. The field was not only fertile, but looked prime to be unearthed, explored, and discovered by bull-driven ploughs. The tilling and ploughing imagery was driving guys nuts. Could anyone on the BT handle these fields? Could their hand-held jembes penetrate this seasoned loam soil? Outside lay Soddom and Gomorrah and inside the train were anatomies which had turned into pillars of salts.
  
  
  Thank the heavens that the BT arrived at KBW just in time!!
  
  This excess testosterone might have otherwise induced some interesting behaviour on the train. Even Milo would have started to look pretty; causing Bomseh to chant repeatedly "Me I Love Milo Regardless." Couch Tato, who once overheard Jiwe whispering to Aegeus "I wish I knew how to quit you!" would have been in no position to judge Jiwe, for tato would himself have had a weak moment with Spidey. Heck, even 3N might have had an urge to put his 3N in BoyflaNNNi. Mwangi was almost getting ready to assume Position Impossible with Bants.
  
  Thank God for Kirima, whose able hands at the "wheel" got the BT station at KBW, before these apocalyptic engagements could unfold ...
  
  Meanwhile, outside the BT ... in the KBW Station ...
  
  The mamas were ready. They had the milk shake, and they were in the yard. Which boys were going to alight first? The mamas flaunted their expensively assembled and packaged paraphernalia. They were READY. They were qualified too!! To be a resident of KBW, the uncompromising prerequisite was a summa cume laude\u003c/b\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-style:italic\"\>\n \u003c/span\>from \n \u003c/font\>\u003cfont color\u003d\"#0000ff\" size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cu\>\u003ca href\u003d\"http://joshmwangi.blogspot.com/2007/02/kenyan-women-not-good-in-bed.html\" target\u003d\"_blank\" onclick\u003d\"return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this)\"\>Mama\n Gertrude's\u003c/a\>\u003c/u\>\u003c/font\>\u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\> course. They proudly waved their\n diplomas in the air ...and now\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold;font-style:italic\"\>some \u003c/span\>wanted to\n \u003cspan style\u003d\"font-style:italic;font-weight:bold\"\>cum\n loudly\u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003cbr style\u003d\"font-style:italic;font-weight:bold\"\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>Was Sodom and Gomorrah going to be reenacted? Would the guys on\n the BT acquiesce? \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>Who had the nastiest, saltiest, "moistest" balls to open the BT\n and step into such intimidation?\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\> "\u003c/font\>\u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cb\>Open the damn door!!"\u003c/b\> requested, no,\n commanded a voice from the back of the train. EVERY head performed a\n 180-degree alteration. Who/what was that? Surely no mortal would dare stick\n his \u003cb\>jembe\u003c/b\> first on these seasoned soils ....\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>TO BE CONTINUED ....\u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp style\u003d\"margin-bottom:0pt\"\>\n \u003cfont size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cbr\>\n \u003c/font\>\n\u003c/p\>\n\u003cbr\>\u003c/div\>\n\u003c/div\>",0] ); //-->summa cume laude from Mama Gertrude's course. They proudly waved their diplomas in the air ...and now some wanted to cum loudly ...
  

  
  Ova to the Train ...
  

  
  Was Sodom and Gomorrah going to be reenacted? Would the guys on the BT acquiesce?

  Who had the nastiest, saltiest, "moistest" balls to open the BT door and step into such intimidation?

  "Open the damn door!!" requested, no, boomed a voice from the back of the train. EVERY head performed a 180-degree alteration. Who/what was that? Surely no mortal would dare stick his jembe first on these seasoned soils ....

  
  

  TO BE CONTINUED ....

  
  

  
  

  
  

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes