a search for sanity or..........

• Thinking about thinking

  Posted: June 21, 2008, 7:41 pm by gal africana

  Or in other words, being conscious.
  
  Four chapters into "A New Earth. Awakening To Your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle and I'm putting more and more effort into being conscious and present in my life. It's becoming easier, but I hardly want to make it sound like it's a piece of cake...it isn't...the results of being present, are however, very much like eating really good cake, which for me is heavenly :-)
  
  My biggest issue, when I started reading this book, was figuring out what the purpose of the ego is. After reading a budhist quote that said that making the ego "good" never works, I was very confused and wanted to immediately know, what good the ego does and why we have one. I haven't been able to answer those questions yet...BUT, I've gotten to know the ego a little better (all egos are structurally the same, mine yours...Hitlers....yeah dude! not kidding...that's why it's good business to know the silly bastard).
  
  According to Tolle, and I'm finding this to be true as I practice his teachings, The ego:
  
  Thrives on faultfinding and complaining. These two favorite pastime of many, me included, imply that the person complaining is "right" and boosts the egos strength. Frightening to think about. I reflected on this and thought about the life that complaining and faultfinding takes on, once one starts....it's as if it's fun to continue and impossible to stop. These two actions, have in reality, no true power in them, other than empowering the ego, as one can factually acknowledge a mistake and not dwell on making a situation or a person "wrong". The compulsion to complain and find fault is so strong in me sometimes, it feels like an unstoppable physical force!
  I've been practicing the act of being aware of this force, when I'm complaining...noticing this thing that is making me want to whine and moan...be right...make someone else wrong, be superior because "I" (the ego) can see the wrongness of something that the "other" in their inferior state can't see.
  Being aware, according to Tolle, disempowers the ego, and I'm finding this to be true...because once I understood my motivation for complaining...I do it less...and for shorter sessions at a time...I'm still doing it...but knowing why I'm doing it, makes it easier to stop the force of it.
  
  Is motivated by need to stand out, be special, be in control, need for power and attention. haha...the being special thing is ALSO one of my favorite pastimes. I derive so much "self" from being the only black person among my friends, that I actually feel resentful of other black people we meet! There, I've said it! I'm special, I stand out and I'm one of a kind, unique, by virtue of my race...as long as I'm the only black person around...I didn't realize I had it this bad until recently. It's all very sad really.
  
  I think that my sense of style has also developed largely out of the need to stand out and be special...*biting nails* tragic!
  
  And again, my only powerful action, is being aware of the resentment and the need to be special...when it is in play. I find that recognizing those feelings makes them ebb away faster...
  
  It frightens me so, that I derive self esteem from these fleeting unstable things...
  
  Is characterized by feelings of bitterness, indignation, irritation, impatience, jealousy, envy, boredom, discontent, fear, anxiety, unhappiness, entitlement, rightness.... So what to do when one experiences those feelings? Become aware of the feelings in you...instead of becoming the feelings. Now this is a concept that is hard to explain...but really becoming aware, that e.g. "ok...now I'm feeling unhappy"...removes you from the trance called utter unhappiness...make sense? Sometimes when I'm unconsciously unhappy...I'm completely lost in the emotion, and thus unable to do anything about it, I become blind to everything but my unhappiness. Awareness of the negative state brings about a certain perspective, I find, that allows for powerful action towards changing the state. I find, that I become aware of the negative feelings in me, I'm more empowered to move out of the negative state...it's as if I'm looking down on the feelings and doing something about them from a different platform....sometimes I'll just be aware...and not be able to do anything else but be aware of them.
  
  My understanding now, is that the ego gives us a false sense of "self" derived from the above things and states and many other passing unstable forms and states that I have not covered here...the true self and realization is, believe or not, that "We are"...basta. No more no less. Understanding this is key in living a happy life.
  
  There's lots more about the ego....cant fit it all here...I recommend finding literature on the subject...Tolle might not be everyone's cup of tea...I personally find his teachings easy to digest and follow...but there are other teachings out there that cover the subject.
  
  Tolle's words:
  
  "The ego isn't wrong, it's just unconscious. When you observe the ego in yourself, you are beginning to go beyond it. Don't take the ego too seriously. When you detect egoic behaviour in yourself, smile."
  
  But to detect it, you must know it. Get to know your ego, folks :-)
  
  As it is, sayings such as the one below, and my parting words...are beginning to make more sense to me.
  
  Reality alone exists - and that we are. All the rest is only a dream, a dream of the One Mind, which is our mind without the 'our'. Is it so hard to accept? Is it so difficult to assimilate and to live? - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes