Wilde Yearnings

• Someone killed my muse...

  Posted: June 3, 2009, 6:25 pm by Wildeyearnings

  ...and left me high and dry.
  
  My blog muse that is... I have serious writers block and yet so much to say!
  
  Also my little sister is leaving me soon to go to her fathers house to spend some time with the old man before she starts college. I'm really going to miss her! And to think my first post about her here was marvelling at her 'teenagerhood'. And therefore this post is dedicated to her because she's one of the most fabulous people I know and puts the 'f' in fierce. Oh yeah by the way, she gave up on growing her dreadlocks out- which I'm very sad about. She brought tears to my eyes (of laughter) every night.
  
  My boy and I (for lack of a better word) called it quits.. I never really mentioned him here but we were casual but steady for a while. And I think he got tired of competing with the fact that I'm in love with someone else, and decided to break it off- which is good for him and perfectly understandable. I'm sad because I should be more cut up about it than I am, but I'm not, which proves I'm still hang up over someone I shouldn't have. Oh well... C'est la vie.
  
  My neighbour has been making googly eyes at me recently. Or maybe he's having sight problems. I would be flattered by this if he wasn't on the wrong side of 50, married and so deep in his closet that he's probably found Narnia by now. I wonder how he knows I'm gay though...? maybe its my fuschia pink lip-gloss... ( I kid, I kid).
  
  And maybe its fitting to end this very uninspired post to confess that when I met my best friend whom I hadn't seen in a while ( he lives in a different country), all the feelings that I tried so hard to wish away through various ways- sex, work, sports, more sex, all came back double-fold. Anyway this is me seeing him and having a running internal monologue "Oh God you look so good! focus! he's married! missed you like crazy! married! who gives a frak!" etc... well, you get the picture.
  
  So in an effort to keep myself from throwing myself at his feet and begging him to 'just take me now dammit!', I did what any clueless, whipped man would do and made like a douchebag. I set my demeanor to "I don't give a damn about you, and I'm going to be professional about it". I ignored regret and embraced the inner asshole. And since then he's treated me like I have Mad-Gay-Guy disease, not calling or emailing. It is downhill from here.
  
  One part of me wants to sink deep, deep into self-pitying wankerism, and the other part..well the other part thinks maybe I did good and saved myself some embarrasing episode.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes