Wilde Yearnings

• Life After Death

  Posted: September 17, 2008, 6:57 pm by Wildeyearnings

  Do you believe in life after death?
  
  3 years ago today, I lost my mother. I guess nothing can prepare one for the loss of total unconditional love. Other than one's parents, no one seems to love another human being for free. There's always seems to be something that they're getting from you, something that you're offering them, something, which once taken away, can leave you staring at a stranger.
  
  But the love of a parent... that is always something you can count on. No strings attached.
  
  My mum was meant to perpetually live in the 1960’s.She laughingly defined herself as a 'flower-child'. She was a typical hippy, free-spirited and a bohemian at heart and she loved all her six children unequivocally, unashamedly and most of all she was unapologetically in love with her husband until the second she took her final breath.
  
  I came out to parents a while back and I’m glad I did because my mum accepted me totally. She never queried or second-guessed my sexuality and most importantly never treated me different from my siblings on account of it. She was the major reason my dad and my siblings accepted me as well.
  
  I never know what will trigger that gnawing emptiness that means I miss my mother. Sometimes all it takes is looking at one my four sisters who all resemble my mother in varying degrees.
  
  Two years ago it was at my sisters wedding . It was the realisation that this would be the first family gathering without our beloved mama. She loved celebrations and parties- she was the innate social butterfly, flitting around guests, laughing and loving. She was always, always full of life.
  
  This year it was triggered by the wedding of my best-friend who I’d fallen in love with and shared some intimate moments with. Watching him sharing a lifetime commitment with his beloved was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. It was at that moment that I missed her so much, her loving words, her common-sense and her unwavering support. If she were here she would have said to me ‘Sweetheart ,grieve today but be happy tomorrow because no one likes a sour-puss’. This was her favorite phrase to all us children, and worked for everything- from skinned knees to dead pets and broken hearts.
  
  After the wedding, I was reduced to a sobbing mess. My older brother didn’t say a word. He simply took me in his arms and held me as I cried my pain and disappointment away. This was a complete turn around for him because he was the last one in my family to accept my sexuality. But in that moment in my brothers arms, I felt my mum’s presence as clear as day. This was the little miracle that got me through the day. And when I asked him why he did so, he whispered, ‘Because mama would have wanted me to.’
  
  So is there life after death? I believe so.
  
  Can I love again after heart-breaking hurt? I think I can.

• Doing my head in

  Posted: September 5, 2008, 5:36 pm by Wildeyearnings

  Agony is watching the love of your life walking down the aisle with another and being happy for him because he is happy. But still spending every second wondering what it would have been like....

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes