Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

• Part 2 – The other 4 types of Kenya tweeps

  Posted: December 19, 2011, 1:39 pm by Idd Salim

  Noise, is all I hear

  Ok. Ok. Sawa. Nimekubali. I will talk about them today basi. Relax kwanza I tuliza this massive erection ndio my literary blood i-flow vipoa. Siwezi type fast nikiwa nime-steady.

  Nice. Jimti jimelala.

  Last week I talked about the 5 most common types of tweeps in Kenya. My Gawd! Sijui niache kuongea juu ya technology nianze muchene pia, ama? Hits 23k from 1700+ people reading the post. In one day. All I could say, was, thank you.

  So, since one bite is never enough, how about tuendelee na the other 5. Sikutaka kutaja some tweep-types since sipendi kujamisha wasee. So leo nita-mention the other 5. Ok, I will just taja 4. The remaining 1 ni fyamiest.

  Jana kulikuwa na Ball kali. Team Kubwa Arsenali vs Team Kubwa-for-now, Citeh. {Warning: Man U fans should skip mpaka the Man-uSafe Section in red-Below.} You have been warned. read on at your own emotional risk.

  Ofcourse, fans wa Man-Shoga Yawwwnited walikuwa in Maputo town all dressed in their nylon Jerseys, sipping one beer for hours. I thought it was only Kenya where these people are broke fulltime na kuna Jerseys za Nylon za  AIG (Arsenal Is Great) and AON (Another Oblivious Nitwit). After defeating Arsenal’s injury/suspension depleted 3rd 11 8-2 kwao at old trafford, and seeing the BEST first 11 of their cartoon-network team ass-raped 1-6 at home by citeh, they were placing bets on 10-0 or 15-0 win to City. Ohh, how oblivious these nitwits are.

  The team with the better goal-keeper won. It was as simple as that. And I congratulate city. Hawakuangukia. Ohhh, No. This team is the real deal for EPL 2011/2012.

  One thing that Man Urinal fans have to talk about is that Arsenal have not won anything for 6 years. I always laugh at this, given the fact that Man Urinals under The Wonderful Sir Alex Ferguson went trophyless for 8 (EIGHT) years. Only 1 out of every 13000 Man Urinals glory-hunting yappers know this. Oblivious. Most fans ni wa 2004 onwards, anyway. So you can never blame an idiot for being themselves.

  Lastly, most Arsenal fans watch an Arsenal Game on a Sato and on Sunday, they are watching Tennis or F1. Moving on. Diversity baba! On Thursdays, Man U fans are still talking about Rooney venye alifunga last sato. To most, their ONLY source of joy in life ni ball. Sad.

  Man-uSafe Zone

  Good, Achana na Ball sasa. “Sasa, what are these 4 categories”, you ask.

  Type 6 – My whole pride/being depends on Twitter

  While in campus, UoN, we used to greet each other as ‘Sema fala’, to which you were expected to respond, ‘poa fala’. We knew nothing is ever that serious. Relax. Have some looseness in you. The same is assumed on twitter. More often than not, when I want someone to follow me, I tell them: “Wewe. Ni-follow ama utajua maana ya gwoko”, and the person knows it is a joke. And follows. And life goes on. And we are all happy.

  But there are some few individuals. Anything that does not sound to them like ‘you are the best, tallest and you have the roundest balls’ will be responded to furioso. ‘phucks’ and ‘SOBs’ and ‘go phurqk yourselves’ will follow.

  I once posted an article/blog laden with facts about such a fella. And little did I know, that kumbe nimempa kazi. At least I am contributing to the economy.For 8 months, it was all unrelenting research about the last 10 years of my life. Looking for dirt and and anything to smear. Ofcourse, the idiots found nothing. But naaah! That did not stop them. How about we cook some stories. Mention his name. get some hits.

  Unless you have balls of steel and clits of diamond, avoid this type. Watakustress.

  Type 7: The TL is my Diary crew.

  Nimeamka. That toothbrush was so hard. Nasugua magoti. Naosha thighs sasa. Ohh yes, feels so good, smooth and wet. Navaa nguo polepole. Now closing my house. Nimeingia Matt. Dere leo anasmell chlorine. Karao anataka hongo. Nimefika job. Omg I am late. The dude/mamsilla in the next office ana ninii poa. Njaa nayo!! Lunchtime! Nimekula nimeshiba. Acheni niende choo. He! Nimemaliza manze na nahisi nimekonda ghafla. 4 haifiki leo! 4 Imefika! Acha niende home! Nimefika home! Hakuna stima! Fuck! Manzi yangu ananyesha. Fuck! Boyie wangu ako down ki-bed kama IT Skills za graduates wa Strath. Naingia bed sasa! Mattress so hard utadhani elbow ya rooney. Kuna baridi!! Insomnia! I need a life.

  Come on. Really?

  Type 8: Arsenal/Manchester ni mama yangu

  Ok. Sitaongea juu ya Man U. Najua nina mafans huko pia. But I will talk about these tweeps that login only on Tuesday nights and Saturdays (Editor: Ok, Salim Ongeza thursday baba. Kuna teams zinacheza Europa). Ball ndiyo life. Handles zao ni za football team/player name. Kama ni wa Man U, the only thing wanajua ni 8-2. Kama ni wa Arsenali, the only thing wanajua ni 1-6 at home. Kama ni Liverpool, ofcourse, hawajui any.

  These tweets are the most re-tweeted disses and insults. Things from hamjashinda 1-trophy-in-6-years to The Mighty Arsenal fans to “mnasupport team haina mwafrika, hata sweeper ama cook, na mnajiita independent” to the fans of the Great Man U.

  Type 9: Guru wa Kuanzisha TT

  I once heard someone describe herself as a habitual TT starter. Someone who is the FIRST to start a trend like, #ujingaNi or #GoteaHioRisto #justToConfuseMyEnemies. Ofcourse, only one out of every 1000 attempts work, and so, the self-unemployed lot of us at iHub can never be seen doing this, but there are quite a few fellas who have perfected the art.

  These fellas have the correct amount and types of wollowers and fall in the category that Malcolm Gladwell refers to as ‘The Mavens’ in The Tipping Point. There are not necessarily the cleverest, etc, but these fellas are influential and anything they start is like a wildfire. Brands should hire them. Politicians WILL hire them in 2012 to their benefits.

  Back to Fun. No code leo.

  Wazi.

  
  

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes