Queeattitude

• The experiment

  Posted: February 12, 2011, 6:55 pm by Naughty feeling

       Once again I don't understand how time moves so fast! A week is gone. A couple of exams are down and I must say am stupefied at how easy varsity examinations are! Or maybe am just smart? LOL!
  
        Since my previous post detailing the far I have come on my journey, I have had exams as I have mentioned and engaged in some games and experiments of my own.
        I did say that at times it does become difficult somewhat being gay and still ascribing to the teachings of Christianity. Some acquaintance of mine who has been nagging (and I mean NAGGING) me on the fact that being gay and being Christian are not two miscible qualities one can have. Mind you the said acquaintance is himself gay. Since he made my acquaintance recently, I can't help but to be very proud of myself (as If I could get any prouder). This guy has serious personal and esteem issues. He is the phony gay stereotype, those with the so outdated African-american slang and who keep calling someone 'child' in that annoying grandma-like tone (am not hating). Guess this passes off for some as being an urbanite or something rather, I digress.
         So this guy ( I will call him Sam*), has been a pitiable sight. Not only does he have no confidence in himself, he has no confidence of his appearance and worse still he still beats himself up for being gay. I have been playing Dr. Phil and hoping something would be better within him all to no avail. He, more than the homophobes, believes it is an abomination to be gay and I simply asked him why then would the same God make us this way and still exist within myself? Or was it being implied that the gay people of the world are God-less? I believe not. This led me to my 'experiment'.
          I ended up asking him to then question if he is at all gay. To which he replied in the affirmative. He was of the conviction that the environment made him gay and all that crap. I then asked him if he ever felt a difference between kissing a boy and a girl. He didn't answer this since he had no previous experience on kissing a girl. Don't lose hope just yet.
          See, I have a friend called Asha*. This girl is beautiful by any standard if the looks she is given on a normal walk is anything to go by and the countless offers from would-be suitors. Asha is my best friend and she does know am gay. She doesn't have a problem with it, if anything we are even more closer. If any man would have heterosexual feelings, I believe they would be brought out by her. In my experiment I wanted Sam to kiss Asha and see what happens. (No, am not a pimp). I actually had to plead and promise my being  indebted to her if she could help. So on Wednesday I went over to Sam's place with Asha and we proceeded with the experiment. Sam claimed he did not feel anything at all. Asha wasn't disappointed since I had kissed her before just to be sure I was gay (u never know, right).
        This then led me to my argument with Sam on being gay due to the environment. I believe that if you are gay because of your environment only and it is not innate in you then you should at least feel a stirring if you get involved with a girl which was not the case in this 'experiment'**
         This led me to believe that Sam's was just a case of self-loathe gone overboard and to add inferiority complex just makes the matter a disaster. I do pity him a lot. In a span of three weeks, we have ended up discussing suicide on 7 separate occasions. He is a good soul but the strain of being gay is proving to be a waterloo unto him. I do hope he will learn to accept himself and reconcile with his god. Before he makes good his threats of 'offing' himself.
  
  *Not the real names
  ** ISO: 2008 certified experiment (LOL)

• FINDING ME

  Posted: February 5, 2011, 1:49 am by Naughty feeling

         Well, it's been a while since I arranged my thoughts. It's February already! I guess time flies fast when a couple of old Professors are breathing down your throat for assignments, research papers and whatnots. Enough of that already at least the upcoming exams are a sign off relief as my holiday approaches.
  
        I thank God I have been so busy for fear of actually slowing down and realizing am not really moving or making progress on all fronts. I am talking about the 'finding myself' phase and the fact that am not that patient guy (at least not last time I checked).
        So here I am at this point in my life to determine what the next years(God knows how many) are to be like. To say that I haven't made progress would be a lie. I have come to accept myself to a great extent and all I need to do is reconcile 'me' to my religion. The pastor at church seems to eye me when he has those pathetic homophobic notes in-front of him at the pulpit (paranoia). I could care less but it still nags me and uncle google has merely served to feed the wildfire (Australia's got nothing on this one).
        There is a burning desire to feel 'right' though in this case the right I seek was preset by heterosexuals and well, it  is questionable to an extent. We all have that need to be accepted and not merely tolerated. I know you too have that need. It is a need capable of throwing you off-balance if you don't keep it in check. They always say to be your 'own man' and to do that sometimes requires you to turn your back to the gallery. But in turning our backs are we not risking all? We say that if someone can't accept you, you shouldn't waste a tear over them nor give them a second thought. All I say is what if this means turning your back on those we have called family for all those years? The same people who have given us comfort in times of doubt and sorrow? The same people who have been our lives' pillars all this while? Is it not selfish of us to expect them to understand us and we not them? It is a recurring thought that reverberates throughout my head in all my waking life. I do realize that the prejudices held against the likes of myself are all 'fixed' information that mostly have no logical bearing whatsoever but there's always that small nagging to believe otherwise.
         Oh, how easy it would be to sit back and suck it in, all the while telling yourself that they are right and you have to curb your 'hunger' as they call it. How easy it would be to fade into the mundane background and follow all the norms they selfishly lay out as necessary to be considered a member of their society. It would be so simple to sit back and throw barbs at the fags, laugh at gay pride parades and trash the gay neighbor we merely suspect but have no evidence of his orientation. So easy... *sigh*
         But such is not my path as I have come to terms with albeit with a tinge of fear. The road ahead can't be smooth. I can't promise myself to be at the helm of every gay rights march but I do realize my part in the whole system. I must learn to stop and breath and let not the unknown bother me in my journey. I must be able to live in the moment that is now for tomorrow never comes and today is all we have to live for right?
         I am not sure I will have the courage to face my beloved family when the inevitable moment of fessing up comes, nor my dearest of friends. I may never be sure if I will accept it to be a part of my public image. I may not even stand up for the rights of my brothers publicly nor my own.
        For now I know I have only come to accept myself and even that is not complete yet. This may seem selfish but am only myself at the end of the day and I guess I will have to be content with accepting myself for now. I may never be the next David Kato or Denis from GALCK but for now I am a fierce gay rights advocate within myself. That within itself is an accomplishment.
  
         The peace that is in accepting myself is immeasurable and though the terror of the truth coming to light is ever ominously towering above me. I have come to terms with myself. That's the best I can do as I live in the here and now, throwing to the wind all caution and foreboding.
  
   I live for now...let tomorrow fight it's own battles.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes