Queeattitude

• Sigh!

  Posted: May 28, 2009, 6:48 pm by Naughty feeling

  Since last saturday after 'the talk' i was gloomy and indoors. I have drank so many varieties of knorr soups i ought to get a free year's supply.
  
  My mum was naturally worried and i told her we had broken up and this earned me mileage in my hidden identity.
  
  She (linda) called me on tuesday and we talked for a bit before slumping back to my droopy self. After she hang-up my mind still tormented me as to why was i being so inconsiderate. The weather wasn't doing me any good since it resonated my mood. As i write this it is still cold and grey outside. I haven't left the house for quite a while now and i am thinking of going out tomorrow night but i shoot down the idea since am still not that clear minded as yet!
  
  I am going to find myself my significant other and i am in no hurry at all. Heck! I have my whole life ahead of me! Plus i am not hiding anymore and i am not accountable to anyone apart from myself. There is peace to loving and accepting myself. What happened last Saturday served to strengthen me maybe in a way not apparent to me as yet. But all the same, no amount of gay-bashing or someone's own homophobia will make me ever resent myself, that is one mistake i won't repeat again. No, never.

• Closure: part 2

  Posted: May 27, 2009, 2:05 am by Naughty feeling

  She sat down opposite me and the pain resonated throughout my whole being. I kept asking myself what and how was i supposed to tell her. She started talking about how her fifteen minute ride to town had been eventful. All the while i was partially listening while thinking up a myriad of falsehoods i could use to hoodwink her.
  
  Even with all the turmoil within me i still regarded her as one i would trust with my life (literally!). I took her hand in mine and gave her the necklace and matching bracelet i had bought her. She was overcome and actualy leaned over and gave me a kiss. This made me think i was mad to do this to someone who had loved me and stayed with me for so long! Just then the harsh reality struck and i knew i had to release her from this jail i held her in.
  
  The waitress took her order i didn't give any since i was in no mood to eat not with what i had in mind at least. I engaged her in small talk as she finished her food and i took the last gulp of my now cold cappuccino. I knew the daunting task ahead of me.
  
  She asked me what was wrong with me since i didn't eat and was looking downcast. I looked straight into her eyes and saw the guilt in mine. In a moment of weakness i almost told her i was gay, but i quickly held back my tongue. I was starting to choke with tears. I was talking but no words were coming out. She was staring at me with an expression of bewilderment. I knew i owed her this. I don't know how but i told her we couldn't work and that i was not seeing another person. My cheek was ready for a slap or my ears for a shouting match. I didn't protect myself because i knew i deserved at least as much!
  
  What she did to me shaked me to the core, she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said she understood we needed time out and that she would wait it out. I couldn't fathom her kindness toward me. By now all the staff and some diners were staring at us probably thinking we were high! if i was a hetero-male i would have been elated but it was wasted on me. As we left the cafe i felt a tad bit lighter but it was mainly because i knew i had a true friend in her which was way more than i could ask for. I still wanted to blurt out that i was gay but decided not to push my luck. I had taken a step forward in accepting who i was and becoming at ease with myself and my future.

• Closure: part 1

  Posted: May 26, 2009, 4:29 am by Naughty feeling

  It was a long time coming. I knew it had to happen the only question was when.
  
  This was a long weekend and i got into it with a pensive mood. I was seated at a cafe staring out the window watching people go by waiting for my so-called girlfriend. To tell the truth i just like her like a sister. She had held my closet door through a lot of the closet conundrums i had gone through. Back to the present, i had just bought a beautiful necklace from enka-rasha and this cost me a packet.
  
  So as i sit there sipping my cappuchino i can't help but feel guilty. This girl had been nothing short of perfect, yet i stringed her along knowing fully well that i couldn't give her what she wanted. I despised myself for doing that to such a lovely person.
  
  My train of thought was derailed when my phone rang and it was her. I smiled and picked it, she was in town and was confirming which cafe i was in. It didn't take long and there she was at the door. I gestured to her to come over to where i was seated and she flashed me the smile that had drawn me to her six years ago. There was a sharp pain in my chest... To be continued.

• Laxity

  Posted: May 18, 2009, 4:48 am by Naughty feeling

  I had a fabulous weekend...ok, ok! i will tell the truth! i had a normal weekend, save for two major ups on saturday... Yeeih!
  Anyway, back to the matter at hand: i was perusing through the daily nation...Oh! if you don't read you may not have been aware.
  Dr. Chris Hart's article 'A different life is in the genes'. It had quite a scientific twist to it. The gist of the article was that contrary to what most homophobics argue, the queer gene is actually existent! I don't really know why but i was elated to see that east africa's biggest media house would let an article defending homosexuality see the light of day. Double yeeih!! But then following the story i realised that our kenyan culture was negating it's goal to anihilate gays! The article argued that the more gay/Bisexuals copulated with women, the more gay people sprout. Could we be increasing due to our predecessors efforts to look 'normal' (note the marks!) to the rest of the uneducated community?As to whether to laugh at the community for defeating themselves in an effort to defeat the gay phenomenom or not, I wonder...hmmm...

• Crawl before walking let alone running.

  Posted: May 15, 2009, 10:46 pm by Naughty feeling

  As i write i remember am having loads of ideas but they arent fully formed.
  
  I as a the gay youth i am have a quarrel to pick with our so-called gay activists. We all (the gay community, if it does exist!) keep complainin that we are not being allowed integration into the fabric of the african society.
  
  I have sat back and thought long and hard about this. I am clearly stating that these are my views and you are allowed your own.
  
  It is common knowledge that when you want to culture a practice into an individual you do it at the youngest age possible. No matter how much money gets poured into our activists's kitty, no matter how we bloggers shout at the rooftops, no matter how abrasive our advocaters become, this is a war we will surely lose and if by some miracle victory is attained, it will surely be a pyrrhic victory.
  
  Walk with me on this one: i am not oblivious to the fact that some paranoid people have been alleging that there is a gay agenda which to date i have no evidence of. As one can decipher from my blog, am almost twenty. I am against legalisation of homosexuality in kenya but not for the normal clandestine reason that people prefer illegal encounters as they are more thrilling. Mine is a different path all together. I assume that 18 years by law is old enough to make a mature decision. If at all the so called GALCK (of which i have no knowledge of save from heresay, never mind the fact am gay!) had the time to sit down and monitor their progress (if any!) they would notice it was minute. That is because by the time i was 15 i knew i was 'different'. By the time i was 18 i almost had a feeling of self loathing. At 18 some sort of method should be in place to show them that it is not a perversion but rather a part of them. The main aim here is to give us self confidence on who we are inside and not our sexuality to define our future. I am saying this because someone did this for me and though he may not know it, what the guy did for me, to me was nothing short of a miracle and am not exaggerating! (Hats off to him n God bless him) it got me thinking what if every other person like me was so lucky? wouldnt it make us proud to be who we are? Most of us never get out to our family and friends because we are not happy with ourselves. Before we set our sights on legalisation, we first need to build a base in the form of youth who are proud of who they are. The western countries we see legalise it had to go through this first. When the youth are proud of themselves, they will be able to come out to their family and friends this will have a remarkable butterfly effect on stemming this monstrosity we call homophobia. So the next time we want homosexuality legalised, let us remember we need to learn that we can't start running without learning to walk let alone learning to crawl! Do have a lovely weekend as we mark May 17th, wontcha?

• Look out!!

  Posted: May 7, 2009, 9:36 pm by Naughty feeling

  The setting: home
  The characters: me n mom
  The bone of contention: the usual.
  
  As usual my life till now has no major social inclination. So as usual am wid mom since she prefers me to drive her.
  
  We go back home as usual mom has no particular thing on her mind. I go into my room and take off my jeans trouser and begin to fold it when there is a sudden knock on the door.
  
  I hurriedly put on shorts and say "come in". My mother comes in with a worried look on her face. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me to sit down. By now am naturally in partial shock. I sit down.
  
  She starts by askin me if there is anything i wanna tell her. Right then i knew she had connected the long internet hours, lack of in my rarely mentioned but existent girl friend. My blood was racing into all the wrong places. The room seemed to take on a life-form of its own. My eyes welled up and my mother knew my usual resilient self couldnt take another blow. She silently stood up and told me to tell her whenever i felt i was 'ready'. I knew that she wasnt really sure as to whether or not i was what she thought because trust me when my mother is sure she will move in with the ferocity of a tiger.
  
  I may have bought myself time but am not sure for how long though. I am thinking of running for the hills but where to? Am runnin out of lives but what to do? I may have to take matters into my hands...

• My oh my!

  Posted: May 5, 2009, 3:10 pm by Naughty feeling

  I was just bored out of my skull and ended up reading the newspaper. What i saw was quiet unsettling. While it is true i knew male prostitutes existed, imagine one of the gay ones had the nerve to disrupt a whole club in town to claim unserviced debts to a usual male customer of his.
  
  After kicking up a storm and finding the 'client' was not in a stable financial position, he made off with his cellie.
  
  I posted this for one reason or blind glee. One may interpret it in many a way. But as usual i chose the most optimistic one: look at it this way, the patrons of the club got to know they were gay and didnt spark off some homophobic reaction. This was very encouraging for me coz they treated it with the dignity it deserved. They left them to their domestic issues. To cut the crap it showed that though long overdue homophobia is coming to an end in one of the most cosmopolitan cities. If only my parents would follow suit. Oh how i wish. Dreams... Dreams...

• nightmare!

  Posted: May 2, 2009, 8:08 am by Naughty feeling

  I know what you are thinking: what am I doing at 4 in the morning awake and trembling like a leaf? I had a dream that has recurred severally.
  In my dream I get acquainted through some miraculous way to some people of my orientation. All goes well and is well under wraps but I forget the saying that it's not over till the fat lady sings. In the motions of that life I find a good friend and as most Hollywood crap would have you believe we fall in love and live happily ever after(yeah right!) Instead while we are at some place not clearly defined one thing leads to another and we start getting all mushy inside and start cuddling then all hell breaks loose!
  My parents (out of god knows where!) decide to show up unannounced we scamper to our feet and as is expected I push him away having that offended look (the:who are you and what are you doing with me one, yes, that one!!) My mother stares in shock then to disbelief then downright contemptuous anger. I then wish the earth could swallow me my 'friend' and I start offering all kinds of moronic excuses: I don't know what got over me and all that sh*t!
  Out of nowhere my father comes into the scene with a good ol' shotgun and believe me he is more than trigger friendly even more than our good ol' boys in blue would ever be. We run out and to our shock all the people I struggled to keep the secret from are there! I am swearing and running and crying all at the same time with the shotgun firing loudly behind us. In a fraction of a second my dear friend jumps in front of me and takes on for me and he falls motionless to the ground. all else around me goes silent as I kneel not knowing whether to feel responsible for the death or to be shocked my own father was going to shoot me in cold-blood!!!!!!!!!!
  As I stare through tear-clouded eyes at my dying companion helpless with no one to come to my aid I start screaming and wake up to find myself in bed sweating and making a small noise (cliche I know). As I lay awake there on my bed the sadness and the brutal reality of that dream becomes a tangible fear almost choking. I wish I would die but then again I tell myself we've been through this and I can't change what I am. I walk to the computer knowing that is a war I may not be so lucky to win but I let it rest to the very last inevitable moment.
  I dunno why I am writing this here but I guess it is a feeling of security knowing I can write what I feel without fear of victimization for I know there are others out here and yonder like myself with a caring heart. I love you all and take care out there... for you never know the time nor the place thou shalt be stricken by my idiotic, narrow-minded, barbaric, myopic and tunnel visioned homophobes !#@$^$*!!!! Forgive my abuses but it was just in the spirit of letting it all out.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes