Kenyan Ramblings
-
Untitled
Posted: May 31, 2008, 5:50 pm by Tafsiri Hii
Come to me, you say
And with heavy heart,
A smile painted on this tired, old woman's face,
Struggling not to fall apart
Yet,
Hoping for a coup de grace
I drag my broken limbs -
I come to you
And come undone.
– All rights reserved© -
Na Kwa Habari Nyingine...
Posted: May 25, 2008, 10:11 pm by Tafsiri Hii
My Prof., a short man with a Napoleon Complex who cannot tear his eyes from ANY bosom without great difficulty, calls himself............
A Feminist
-
Top 10 Swahili Comebacks!
Posted: May 25, 2008, 5:33 pm by Tafsiri Hii
And just because am rude, a few of my favourite comebacks gotten from Lesos/Shukas/Kangas, my book of methali, and some random Swahili songs:
10. To those nosy neighbours:
Mavi usiyoyala, yakuashia ni?
Translation: Sh*t that you do not eat, why should it bother you?
Meaning: Mind your own beeswax! (Also, Pilipili iko mtini, yakuashia nini?)
9. To those envious acquaintances:
Mwenye wivu ajinyonge
Translation: let the envious hang themselves!
Meaning: self-explanatory! (Also, Meza wembe!)
8. To those who can just never get it right:
Kuelekeza si kufuma
Translation: To aim is not to hit
Meaning: A little less talk, a little more action!
7. To a disgruntled female friend (and possible 'compe'):
Hata ukinuna, buzi tumelichuna
Translation: You may be ticked off, but we have skinned a big goat
Meaning: A boastful statement made by a woman who has slept with a successful man (buzi)
6. To 'compe':
Kwangu anakula keki atufute nini kwako we hefkeki?!
Translation: With me s/he gets to eat real cake that is why s/he does not want you, half-a-cake!
Meaning: S/he has aaaaaaall this, what would s/he possibly want you for?!
5. To your man, if his eyes start straying:
Mke mwenza! Aa! Mezea!
Translation: Co-wife? Hai! Swallow it!
Meaning: Ati you are considering getting a mistress/second wife? Forget about it!
4. To those determined suitors/stalkers:
Hodi hodi naikome, mwaka ujao naolewa (Also, utangoja!)
Translation: Stop knocking on my door, am getting married next year!
Meaning: Leave me be, am taken!
3. To anyone who rubs you the wrong way (and 'compe'):
Usitake ushindani nami, uniwezi aslani!
Translation: Do not compete with me, you can never beat me!
Meaning: You. Can't. Handle. Me.
2. To those who like to make you to wait (both literally and figuratively!):
Ngoja ngoja huumiza tumbo
Translation: Waiting, waiting hurts the tummy
Meaning: I can't wait forever!
And, my all time favourite
1. To those annoying people who always have something to say about your life:
Uta-do?!
Translation: varies from so what? to what is your problem? to what you gonna do about it?!
Meaning: self-explanatory!
-
Addicted
Posted: May 24, 2008, 11:07 pm by Tafsiri Hii
Centuries after blogging was discovered, I have finally caught on. What can I say? I have been busy... doing grown up stuff. I love it, I love it, I love it! Finally, I can stop writing on Kartasi notebooks, full scaps, banana leaves, toilet paper. Plus, I can't remember the last time I laughed this much (to the horror of my neighbour, I laugh loud and long): reading other people's blogs makes my day. Kenyanchick takes the cake. Am so addicted to blogging that:- I just turned down a dinner invitation because I was blogging (ME, who has had a love affair with food since the day I was born),
- It is 8.22 p.m. on a Saturday night. I am indoors,
- I have made 3 entries (or is it 4?) today,
- Injinia is threatening to make me an IDP if I continue paying more attention to my blog than to him.
Best thing about this blogging thing: I can write ANYTHING and snugly hide under the cover of anonymity. Delicious! -
Vaseline? Vaseline!
Posted: May 24, 2008, 9:41 pm by Tafsiri Hii
Listening to Capitalfm.
"Napenda Vase-line, napenda Vase-line, napenda Vase-line...(kapuka this, kapuka that)!"
This is what Kenyan music has been reduced to: a bunch of 'musicians' singing about the joys of using Vaseline...and no, they were not referring to Vaseline's ability to make skin soft as a baby's bottom. This being a child-friendly blog, I shall not go into details about why the musicians are so in love with Vase-line. The creativity of Kenyans never ceases to amaze...
Can't get the darn song out of my head. "Napenda Vase-line, napenda Vase-line, napenda Vase-line....."
-
Basic Kenyanese: For Foreigners, Tourists and Wannabes!
Posted: May 24, 2008, 10:07 am by Tafsiri Hii
If you are traveling to Kenya for the first time, or if your past interactions with Kenyans have left you feeling confused, or if for some strange reason you are a Wannabe Kenyan (I met someone like that this year), this is for you. I intend to shed some light into some peculiarities about Kenyans. Mind, there are millions of strange things in Kenya (including rivers that flow uphill) but due to lack of space and time, lets just stick to language.
By now am sure you have heard: we begin every, and I mean every, statement with "Me, I..." Why do we do this, you ask? Well, that is what happens when people directly translate their mother-tongues to English (sort of what the Chinese do!). So if you want to be integrated into Kenyan society (especially you, Wannabe), sprinkle those "Me, I"s generously into your sentences. A few examples,
"Me, I am so hungry I could eat a donkey."
"Me, I have no idea what he is talking about."
"Me, I am going home now."
It might be a bit of a challenge to follow what we say. Mainly because of the way we pronounce words. Kenya has over 40 ethnic groups, each with its own language (refer to your guidebook for confirmation). These languages are as different from English as Cain was from Abel. So, you will forgive us if we butcher the English language. As we are fond of saying, English came on a boat! We are guilty of two things: one, shrubbing and two, pronouncing many words the exact same way. To understand what I mean, here is an illustration:
Instead of "run" some of us say "lun", we may pronounce "darling" as "ndaring" and "head" as "end" (this reminds me of my favourite Safaricom advertisement:
Employee calls boss and says: Sorry I can't come to work today, Sir. I have an ENDACHE.
Boss: ENDACHE?
Employee: An ache, Sir! In my END, Sir!)
That is what we call shrubbing.
Speaking of pronouncing many words the exact same way, an American friend of mine laughed his head off a couple of years back when he realised that I pronounce "butter", "batter" and "bata" as BATA!!
If you are familiar with NGO-ese you know that one word NGO types throw around is 'participatory'. Participatory training. Participatory monitoring. Participatory evaluation. Well, one thing to know about Kenyans' way of conversing is that it is participatory. Meaning, that narrating something (or, 'beating a storo' in Kenyanese) will usually involve the audience. Makes 9 Oclock News a very entertaining watch. Here is how:
Agitated Kenyan: Sasa, hiyo siku nilie...?
Friend/Audience: Ulienda
AK: Nikapata nyumba yangu imefung...?
F/A: Imefungwa
AK: Eh...nikaona huyu mtu ananicheze...?
F/A: Anakuchezea!
Loose translation:
Agitated Kenyan: So, that day I wen...?
Friend/Audience: You went
AK: Only to find that my house had been lock...?
F/A: It had been locked
AK: Eh...i thought to myself that this man is jo...?
F/A: He is joking with you!
On a final note, here's a few things you should learn:
How to express surprise in Kenyanese: ala! hai! woiyee! yawa! Ngai! wololo yaye! wa wa wa wa wa!
Words regularly used but whose meaning no one knows: You guy, maze, si, haiya, kumbe
And, some sheng/slang words:
Loco (local): neighbourhood pub
Tale, pinto, kinywaji, kanywaji, dawa, one-for-the-road: Tusker, beer, booze
Papers, lewad, high, kahighness, kunywad: Drunk
Fegi: Cigarette
Manzi, dame, chic, mama: Girl
Amebeba: She is well endowed/she has a shapely body
Mahaga: hips
Supuu: pretty girl
Catch strokes, catch rubs, cook the ngegende: Have sex
How to effectively use above-listed words in a sentence:
"Jana, after jobo I went to the loco. You guy, I was stressed. Me, I needed a tale. After a couple of kinywajis, I went out of the bar to smoke. Dame akakuja hiyo place nilikuwa nimesimama. Akanishow nimpe fegi. Ala! Si anunue yake! Lakini alikuwa msupuu kwa hivyo sikuweza kukataa. Kalikuwa kamebeba! Eh! Kwanza hayo mahaga!! Before I knew it, we were on her bed catching strokes!"
(For a hilarious guide to Kenya, check out KenyanChic's "A Kenyan's Guide to Kenya" on http://howdidigethere-kenyanchick.blogspot.com/2006/07/kenyans-guide-to-kenya-vol-i.html
Also check out sheng.co.ke if you are interested in learning more sheng words)
-
Second Wife
Posted: May 23, 2008, 11:06 am by Tafsiri Hii
It does not disturb me that you smoke, puffing in and out –
Looking every bit the modern woman, without a doubt
Or that you prefer potent brews to sweet soothing tea –
And that you cannot fall asleep without having at least three.
It does not bother me that your low husky laughter
Gets into a man’s head and makes him totter
Or that your bright smile
Makes my husband’s loins stir
It does not worry me that you sneer every time you hear my name
Or that you declare me too docile and tame
And that you laugh at my efforts to keep house
And even jeer at my way of dress
What really concerns me is my husband’s madness
This craziness that has gotten into him since he met you
This sickness that has made him take to heaping abuses
On my head, and criticizing every thing that I do
What gives me unease is my husband’s forgetfulness –
It has slipped out of his mind that he is a father of two sons
That growing boys have to eat, drink and sleep
He does not remember that he has responsibilities
What disturbs me,
What really gets to me:
Are your generous breasts
That have been suckled dry
And can no longer fight gravity
What I do not understand is,
Why my husband would choose to leave me,With my firm body and youthful energy,
And make you,
A woman ten years my senior,
His second wife.
– All rights reserved©
-
Tribute to the body of an African Woman
Posted: May 23, 2008, 10:52 am by Tafsiri Hii
These thighs, I tell you
Refuse to be forced into, squeezed into, crammed into small items of clothing,
These big thighs.
These free thighs,
Have put many a man under a spell.
These strong thighs,
Have been a comfortable seat for children.
You see these hips?
These magnificent hips,
That move to a beat and rhythm of their own?
These wide hips,
Have stopped many in their tracks,
These child-bearing hips.
These slim hands,
Am telling you,
Have carried heavy loads for long distances,
These soft hands,
Have prepared tasty meals for hundreds,
Held many close and offered great comfort,
These seemingly small hands.
These breasts, I tell you
These round breasts,
Will not be hidden or ignored
These firm breasts
Have no shame in them
These breasts,
Have been the source of nutrition and the cause of confusion
These proud breasts.
– All rights reserved©
-
Tribute to the African Man
Posted: May 23, 2008, 10:48 am by Tafsiri Hii
What you are,Is sturdy; strong like the mugumo tree in my backyard
And like that tree, you are firmly rooted in the ground
A native of the African soil
What you are,
Is a warrior; fighting battles and coming out unscathed
And like that soldier, you should be recognized,
Valued and nurtured
What you are,
Is a king; deserving to be treated like royalty
And like that king, you are regal and wise
Your actions are just
What I would like to do,
Is to sit back for a minute or so,
And take in the very essence,
Of you
What I would like to do,
Is let my eyes feast on every inch of your silky skin
Admire that beautiful spot, where pelvis meets thigh
And celebrate your very blackness
What I would like to do,
Is to let my fingers worship your muscular body
From the tip of your blackened toe to the top of your dreadlocked head
Soft and slow, now
– All rights reserved©
-
National Pride???
Posted: May 22, 2008, 6:14 am by Tafsiri Hii
(written in July 2007, when Kibaki still Toshad and before the words "grand coalition" appeared in front of "government"!)
Why does it seem that we become more patriotic only when we leave Kenya? We wear our 'Tusker T-shirts and display our Kenyan flags in our rooms and loudly announce to anyone who's willing to listen that we are very proud to be Kenyans! We join groups on the web and reminisce on the fun we had when we went to 'F2, K1 and Carni ' over our summer holidays and 'Coasto' over christmas. Oh, lets not forget nyama choma, our national beverage (tusker) and Kenchic. Sigh...and then we go back to speaking in a foreign tongue, listening to foreign music, wearing 'designer' clothes and basically emulating a culture that is not our own (preferably the American).
How many of us young Kenyans can speak fluent Maa, Meru, Kikuyu, Dholuo, Hindi, Kamba or Luhya? (by young, i mean those who were born a few years before and after the´82 Coup. No, the definition of the word 'youth' is not flexible no matter what those darn MPs say!) Basically, how many of us speak our mother-tongue fluently? And what happened to 'Swahili Sanifu'? You know that Kiswahili that you learnt from Class One to Form Four? Why consider your fluency in French/Italian/Spanish/English an achievement if your Swahili sucks?! What happened to the Kenya National Dress? How many of us know our family's, clan's, tribe's and country's history? How can we appreciate another culture if we do not understand our own? Who among us can confidently represent our great country as a cultural ambassador?
One Kenyan mission in Europe is housed in a beautiful building called, not surprisingly, 'Kenya House'. The decor inside Kenya House is disappointing: besides three unattractive photographs (there is one of Maasai Market) and two posters of Ketepa Tea and of the Kenya Tourism Board, most part of the building that the public has access to is, well, empty. There are none of those celebrated Kamba soapstone carvings, no wood carvings, no batik paintings, no kikoys or khangas, no kiondos, no photograph of Tusker or of a Maasai Moran...basically, none of those interesting items that are oh-so-Kenyan are displayed in this Embassy. Neither is there literature on Kenya; whether cultural, socio-economic or political. Yet this building is associated with, and houses people who are charged with, the representation of Kenya's interests abroad.
While I am all for multiculturalism, I do not believe in cutting off one's roots and completely taking up another's way of life. There is nothing more embarrassing than a foreigner teaching you about your culture and your country. I should know, it has happened to me. I applaud the Government's 'Najivunie Kuwa Mkenya' initiative, but this is not enough!! I propose national cultural schools and clubs! How about teaching our kids about our history, our ways, our languages and our music from a tender age? Then we will have a future generation that identifies with, and is proud of, its country! And finally, maybe we can put an end to this tribal nonsense.
This is a challenge to Kenyans at home and abroad: go back to your roots!!!! -
Once, we were men
Posted: May 21, 2008, 10:31 am by Tafsiri Hii
Once, we were men
We hunted
Our weapons crude, our clothing barely protecting us from the harsh weather
Still, we hunted,
Gathered
And brought home the spoils
Proudly, we watched
As our women roasted the wildebeest and our children shared the wild berries
We lived as one; my child was your child
My people were your people
Your home was my home.
Today, we no longer hunt game
Instead, we hunt each other
And gather dead bodies
In the name of love, God, country, tribe, race, resources, and freedom,
We crush each other, easily
As we would crush an irritating bug crawling on our skins
Ethnic cleansing, genocide, crimes against humanity
Sophisticated words for heinous deeds
Racism
Tribalism
Nepotism
Xenophobia
-isms and phobias
We focus on our differences and find a reason to shed blood.
Once, we were men
We tilled the earth
Ignoring the sweat and the pains from our exertions
We would dig, plant, weed, water and harvest
We coaxed and cared for the earth, gently
(Like we would a beautiful woman)
Until it bore us fruit
From sunrise to sunset
We would speak to the soil
And to the crop it bore us.
Now, we no longer work the earth
Instead, we steal
It’s a hard-knock life, we explain
So we take out our guns and rob our brothers, our neighbours and our friends
Our children, they walk the streets aimlessly
Begging
Pleading
Beseeching
For a morsel to still their grumbling stomachs
The light has gone out of their eyes,
The youth out of their limbs
They no longer run
They drag their feet instead, slowly like old men who have seen too much.
Kwashiorkor
Malaria
Diarrhea
Malnutrition -
Unwanted companions for our children
Our children are dying
Our women, they can’t stop crying
Yet, our only concern is pleasure, self-gratification
So we fuck indiscriminately – man, woman, child, and animal
And just for the hell of it, we rape our sisters, our daughters and our mothers
Cruelly, we bear more and more children
Only to subject them to the same fate
Once, we stood tall and roared like lions
Today, we crawl in our own shit like dreaded rats
-
The Art of Globolisation
Posted: May 19, 2008, 10:39 am by Tafsiri Hii
-
The Decision
Posted: May 18, 2008, 2:33 pm by Tafsiri Hii
PANGA: to plan,
to organise,
to arrange,
to prepare.
PANGA: metal glinting in the sun,
a large metallic object with a wooden handle,
knife's older brother,
a machete.
PANGA! Eyes fiery red, his strong fingers curl into a fist
PANGA! He looks but he does not see
PANGA! He remembers limbs cruelly seperated from bodies, blood as red and as rich as earth
Closing his eyes, he gives in the hated thoughts, the dreaded memories
Ear-piercing, never-ending, mournful screams of his mother-sister-daughter-wife-aunt-lover
He ponders, mulls over the irony of women singing dirges at their own deaths
(Those sad grieving women) with the wrong last names, the wrong skin tone, of the wrong ethnic group
PANGA! He clenches and unclenches his hand
PANGA! He looks down and tightly grips the object in his other hand
PANGA! A nerve threatens to pop out of his head
He considers, and reconsiders
His hand slowly releases the object and allows it to fall
PANGA. He chooses the future
He chooses to plan
He chooses life.
– All rights reserved© -
Uncle (Or, Caught in the Fact)
Posted: May 18, 2008, 1:40 pm by Tafsiri Hii
Did he see us, did he hear us?
He said nothing -
but avoided my eyes
So, he knew he knew he knew
Foolish, to leave your shoes by the door
No other men in the house, except him and my brother
My brother's young feet cannot fit in those Size 10 shoes
And my uncle, he does not own dirt brown sneakers in Size 10
So, he knew he knew he knew
Foolish of us too, to close all windows and lock all doors
We did not hear him approach
Neither did we hear him knock one, two, ten times
Too busy exploring each other's bodies with maddening urgency
Me, barely out of my teens and recently discovered the joy of two bodies joining
You, full of energy and virility
So we kept him waiting, knocking
Until we were spent, our combined sweat forming rivulets
Only then did we hear his knocking....
Do you think he told Ma?
- 2008. Not for Publication or Distribution -
-
The Possibilities
Posted: May 18, 2008, 1:14 pm by Tafsiri Hii
And so I walked
Soon, to come across a lot
A sizeable piece of land, really
Half, a grassy field
The other half, naked soil
As lush as the grass was on the left,
As tantalising as the fruit on the trees looked,
As soothing as the shadow beneath those trees seemed,
I could not resist the soil's call.
I turned to the right and went to the bare patch
The earth was warm, reddish-brown and smelt of possibilities
Without hesitation or due forethought,
I untied my shoelaces, pulled up my pants
And sunk my greedy feet into the inviting earth
It spoke to me:
"Here, a crop to feed the nation,
There, a shop to sell your harvest,
There, next to the spring, a picnic with your love,
Here, herbs that would heal the ill,
Over there, a place you would call home,
Here, somewhere to bury your dead."
With my eyes shut and my feet planted into the soil,
My mind easily slipped into a world of 'what ifs'
Regrettably, I peeled open my eyelids, rolled down my torn trousers and put my worn shoes back on.
I bade goodbye to my friend the soil,
And walked on.....
- 2008. Not for Publication or Distribution - -
Three Thousand
Posted: May 18, 2008, 12:51 pm by Tafsiri Hii
What do you know about laws –
You who fall asleep instead of making them
Mouths wide open,
Legs spread-eagled,
Hands on bellies,
Bellies full of rich 3 course meals; threatening to pop out of 300-dollar shirts
Eyes tightly shut;
Dreaming, dreaming of more money to steal, more houses to buy, more women to fuck
A siesta at 3 o’clock…after a tryst with your 3rd mistress
Fat cats.
You who dare arrest a woman
For buying a 30-shilling loaf off the streets:
An unthinkable crime!
Guilty: she, of wanting to feed her family
And the hawker, of peddling goods and struggling to survive
Illegal, you say
Selling goods without a license
Chaotic too:
Law and order are necessary in a civilised society!
A fine of 3,000 shillings for the crime of buying a 30-shilling item:
An amount that she can only dream of ever blessing her eyes upon,
Her salary for 3 months,
Not nearly enough to feed her family of 13 for a week,
Fools.
Yet you wonder why
Her sons grow up to steal from you, kill you
Her boys, they had so much potential
Could have replaced you and done a better job too!
Farmers, architects, artists, leaders: their future down the drain
Their euphoria short-lived, when they realise that you are all words and no actions
Where are the 300,000 jobs that you promised to create if they voted for you?
They still have no access to free education
So they join gangs and attack you
After all, a young boy is restless and can remain idle for so long
What other choice is there?
Felons.
Why are they so unhappy, when the economy has grown by 3%?
These 30 million people, living from hand to mouth
The rich getting richer, the sick getting sicker, the prices soaring high
Why would they care about abstract concepts like the GDP?
You congratulate yourselves and award yourselves by increasing your salaries
(Big men need big cars)
Draining an overstretched public reserve
That is replenished occasionally by your foreign friends
But nothing comes for free: your friends have their conditions
They will rape your women, rob you, run you out of business and erode your culture
Only then can you appreciate the extent of their generosity, their ‘aid’
They laugh at you behind your backs, you know
Your so-called friends, they laugh at you
They have many words to describe your country,
A country teetering on the edge, like a drunken woman balancing on high heels
Threatening to fall over any minute.
- October 2007. Not for Publication or Distribution -
– All rights reserved©
Blah blah blah
Fish cakes
Alas a fish cake.
Yet more fish cakes
Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.
The end of the fish cakes
