Haidhuru

• Shouldn’t I be over this isht by now?

  Posted: May 8, 2009, 1:57 am by Administrator

  So, as y’all know, I heeded the siren of “the motherland” and found myself home. Yay! (for me). Not so yay! (for all those who owed me pints). And found to my amazement and shock, that news of the total mortuary that is the pool of eligible, hawt jamaas (over a certain age that is) had been greatly exaggerated. And also found out to my surprised delight that yes, even “old broads” (like me- as didn’t you hear? If you’re over 22, you’re like so not supposed to be buying unripe mangoes and stuff) can still pull a nice jamaa. What can I say? I’m fabulous *Mutumia strikes a Kimora Lee-Simmons pose*

  But yet… still… despite my obvious bliss at having a hawt, eligible jamaa who my mum finally approves of as “He’s from a good family. Actually, we’d gone with his mum for the wedding of his uncle who is a very, very senior sergeant in the army” (and having to break it down for my mum “Mummy, but surely, there is no such thing as a ‘very, very senior sergeant’ tondu sarge is a rank.” Yeah, conversations that needed a lot of tea coz mathi hachezi!! She goes down hard!!)….

  Still…bado, there’s a fly in my ointment. A bone in my papa-samaks fish fillet. A crusty elastoplast in my chips masala.

  What’s that you say Mutumia?

  Glad you asked. See, for the life of me, despite my father , my brothers, sijui cousins and cousin-brothers being Kenyan jamaas. I still.do.not.understand.them!!! Like for example, when did our guys get so good at the Houdini aka the art and craft of giving perfect answers to a question that HE wants to answer, rather than the question you asked? Ama at the second cousin of the Houdini the “say whaaa???” where YOUR question is deflected with a question that seems to answer your question. Only it doesn’t? Kwa mfano…

  Xhibit Moja
  Her: Um… baby… so what do I put in my Facebook status? ‘Cause you know, ‘It’s complicated’ is just… well, silly. So? I tag you we’re in a relationship?
  Him: Now… yaani. Chick- you think a guy crosses 50 kilometers to see a chick that is just fua? Gas is still hovering closer to 100 hundred (pronounced “one handa”) than fifty bob. Ama you see me as that frivolous burning gas for no reason?”
  Her: Awwwwwww…

  Exbibit 2:
  (after realizing three days later that above question was not answered)
  Her: So… what exactly did you mean? Are the cows for my folks landing soonest or not? (Hey! My mayais as I learnt, are the same ones I was born with!!! They needs to be used soonest before they expire. Um.. sort of… After we see the world a little bit. And play house. And build a little bit of the empire. So sue me, my clock ain’t quite ticking yet).
  Him: *bursts out into a belly shaking laugh* … Yaani chick- that’s the shiz that keeps you awake at night? Nah, nah, nah. Stop losing sleep over stuff that is not [insert wavy hand motion here that I think means ‘quit worrying’ only I don’t really know as I’ve also seen it done by watchies who are ‘helping’ you park your car by motioning how you should go and they throw you a ka-wave a la Breakdance and jiggle their body to show you how your car should go] …

  *sigh*

  But yet, it’s all gravy. So good to be back. So here’s to Senior Sergeants, sex boycotts, that abomination from hell called football, and understanding the K-man.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes