Delusions of Grandeur

• Dream Crusher

  Posted: July 23, 2010, 12:31 am by chi

  soundtrak: talking heads :: this must be the place (native melody) (extended version)

  when was the last time T and i have had a decent conversation; deep stuff next time, i promise.

  T’s away message: screw that, i’m replying to all!!!

  me: you always reply to all…
  T: It’s what the public wants… I know it
  me: yeah… ok…
  T: I’m crushed
  me: who am i to crush your dreams?
  T: Someone has to, might as well be you. Did I tell you I want to be a Ninja?
  me: you always make [me] the bad guy…
  me: so… you cannot be a ninja; ninjas are not real.
  me: how’s that for soul-crushing?
  T: I’m never gonna amount to anything.
  me: i still got it!!
  me: BOOMshacka-lacka!
  T: SMH… LOL

• Late (Mental) Arrivals

  Posted: July 4, 2010, 3:50 pm by chi

  soundtrak: everything everything :: schoolin’

  i feel like i’ve been avoiding writing this post until the last possible minute. my emotions have been all over the place this past week; i think i would have been having an anxiety attack right now (or at the airport or on the plane), had jan not told me that she felt that i was close to having one. there are exercises that i’m supposed to do to help me ‘calm down’ and i feel a little bit better about relinquishing control to the things i can’t control anyways.

  but if there’s something i’ve learned about myself on this day is that i am a complete control freak (which i knew somewhat) and i *must* accept this about myself. i think that sometimes i try to shy away from the fact or i try to be a ‘sport’ when i let others choose for me or even insist that they do so, but in reality, i hate it. i think i know i do this because there is that 5% that doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing or doesn’t know how it’s going to turn out, so if this is going to end up badly, it’s good that it’s somebody else’s fault, right? but i’m a big girl now and i have made several life-changing life-altering (does that deserve a hyphen?) errors and i’ve had to suck it up and apologize and be wrong. and i’m sure that i will make a lot more (especially in my 30s); it’s nothing that i can stop, but maybe it’s the fear that’s holding me back.

  and i think i wrote this down yesterday: fear and anxiety are two different entities to me, even though they are the same thing. fear isn’t something so scary to me because it’s something i can control (i.e. turn off a scary movie, decide to go sky diving, even though i’m deathly afraid of heights… i still get to control aspects of that event), while anxiety is where i am completely out of control. but that’s life, right? there are just things that you can’t control. i’m just trying to keep the anxiety from controlling the things that i *can* control..

  i always hate writing when i’ve come to realizations, but then at the same time, i feel like i don’t have anything to write about when i don’t. it makes this blog very disjointed. anyways, i’m leaving today for two weeks. i don’t know if i’m going to actually post entries while i’m there, let alone writing in general. i guess we’ll see.

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes