Delusions of Grandeur

• Late Nite

  Posted: December 25, 2009, 10:37 am by chi

  soundtrak: wiz khalifa :: the thrill

  i have been having the worst time sleeping through the night. i don’t know if it’s just stress, but it’s been worse this month of december. i actually have to get up and read or workout or check my email to get myself tired enough to actually get some sleep, lest end up staring in the dark for the rest of the night.

  usually these nights, my mind is running a mile a minute. i think i must of inherited this from mom, who stays up worrying about everything under the sun. sometimes i wonder how she even functions with the lack of sleep she gets.
  anyways, this night is no different. it’s 1.30 in the morning and i am wide awake. i really do think of some weird sh*t; don’t say i didn’t warn you.

  random thoughts running through my head right now:

  + wow. my 20s kinda sucked. okay, they didn’t suck too bad. i wouldn’t necessarily do anything over but i wouldn’t change anything either. it’s just kinda … meh.
  + i feel like people don’t listen to me, especially when it comes to what i want. for example, christmas. there are specific things that i want and for some reason, my family loves to ignore it and get me things that make me go “wtf?”. the brothers are good though, but i think only because they’re guys and they couldn’t get me something based off the notion, “what would chi like?”. mom always gets me clothes that i don’t want. i barely have a style as it is, but i do have a style. no matter how many times i tell her, i know i will always get a sweater/blouse/slacks, her unconscious way of telling me that i need to dress like an adult… um, hello, that’s why i went into research… have you seen the way those scientists dress?
  + i feel like i can’t be around happy people right now. i think that’s why i’ve been incognito for a minute, not returning phone calls or emails. i haven’t been in the greatest mood for the past couple of months now. i wish i could just explain it to people (but then i don’t feel like calling). it’s amazing, i can live for months in a funk; and you wonder why i don’t know what true happiness is…
  + i think it’s because of applications, but i keep on having dreams about school. the last four dreams i’ve had, i have been in a school environment, be it elementary school, college or graduate school. i cannot wait to finish this already…
  + i think i should just try something new: i should be an athlete for a minute. i could do it; i don’t have a life already, so i could just spend my time training. i don’t have to be number one or anything; i just want to compete. or maybe a singer… like you know, as one that can actually sing. don’t have to be super popular or famous, just cut an album and put my voice out there. that would be cool.
  + actually, i would totally go out running right now, in the middle of the night, if it wasn’t the cold of death outside… i do have my limits. but i do need to increase and better my fitness. it’s not a new year’s resolution, when you just need to do it. just do it! you know, ultramarathon man barely sleeps, he runs so much… i could totally train myself to do that… i think. well, when i’m not up, i do love sleep more.
  + there are things that i just need to ‘just do’. i have become the worst of procrastinators (i was never this bad).
  + things can be different, you just have to know that the only person you can change is you, you effect what you bring into your environment, into your world. there are lots of things that you can’t control, but there are alot of things you can.
  + i used to think i was short. when i was 17, they took my height and the nurse told me my height was “5, 5-1/2″ but she never clarified what she meant. so, for years, i thought i was 5′ 5-1/2”, only to discover that i’m probably 5′7”, 5′8” (she really meant 5-1/2 of the foot, which is about 5′7″… hello! what kind of funky shorthand is that?). it’s a little scary, but i makes sense because i’m a smaller size than what i thought i would be at the weight that i’m currently at now. did i shortchange myself in life?

  okay, let me get a couple of hours. merry christmas and all that.

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

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The end of the fish cakes