Delusions of Grandeur

• Late Nite

  Posted: December 25, 2009, 10:37 am by chi

  soundtrak: wiz khalifa :: the thrill

  i have been having the worst time sleeping through the night. i don’t know if it’s just stress, but it’s been worse this month of december. i actually have to get up and read or workout or check my email to get myself tired enough to actually get some sleep, lest end up staring in the dark for the rest of the night.

  usually these nights, my mind is running a mile a minute. i think i must of inherited this from mom, who stays up worrying about everything under the sun. sometimes i wonder how she even functions with the lack of sleep she gets.
  anyways, this night is no different. it’s 1.30 in the morning and i am wide awake. i really do think of some weird sh*t; don’t say i didn’t warn you.

  random thoughts running through my head right now:

  + wow. my 20s kinda sucked. okay, they didn’t suck too bad. i wouldn’t necessarily do anything over but i wouldn’t change anything either. it’s just kinda … meh.
  + i feel like people don’t listen to me, especially when it comes to what i want. for example, christmas. there are specific things that i want and for some reason, my family loves to ignore it and get me things that make me go “wtf?”. the brothers are good though, but i think only because they’re guys and they couldn’t get me something based off the notion, “what would chi like?”. mom always gets me clothes that i don’t want. i barely have a style as it is, but i do have a style. no matter how many times i tell her, i know i will always get a sweater/blouse/slacks, her unconscious way of telling me that i need to dress like an adult… um, hello, that’s why i went into research… have you seen the way those scientists dress?
  + i feel like i can’t be around happy people right now. i think that’s why i’ve been incognito for a minute, not returning phone calls or emails. i haven’t been in the greatest mood for the past couple of months now. i wish i could just explain it to people (but then i don’t feel like calling). it’s amazing, i can live for months in a funk; and you wonder why i don’t know what true happiness is…
  + i think it’s because of applications, but i keep on having dreams about school. the last four dreams i’ve had, i have been in a school environment, be it elementary school, college or graduate school. i cannot wait to finish this already…
  + i think i should just try something new: i should be an athlete for a minute. i could do it; i don’t have a life already, so i could just spend my time training. i don’t have to be number one or anything; i just want to compete. or maybe a singer… like you know, as one that can actually sing. don’t have to be super popular or famous, just cut an album and put my voice out there. that would be cool.
  + actually, i would totally go out running right now, in the middle of the night, if it wasn’t the cold of death outside… i do have my limits. but i do need to increase and better my fitness. it’s not a new year’s resolution, when you just need to do it. just do it! you know, ultramarathon man barely sleeps, he runs so much… i could totally train myself to do that… i think. well, when i’m not up, i do love sleep more.
  + there are things that i just need to ‘just do’. i have become the worst of procrastinators (i was never this bad).
  + things can be different, you just have to know that the only person you can change is you, you effect what you bring into your environment, into your world. there are lots of things that you can’t control, but there are alot of things you can.
  + i used to think i was short. when i was 17, they took my height and the nurse told me my height was “5, 5-1/2″ but she never clarified what she meant. so, for years, i thought i was 5′ 5-1/2”, only to discover that i’m probably 5′7”, 5′8” (she really meant 5-1/2 of the foot, which is about 5′7″… hello! what kind of funky shorthand is that?). it’s a little scary, but i makes sense because i’m a smaller size than what i thought i would be at the weight that i’m currently at now. did i shortchange myself in life?

  okay, let me get a couple of hours. merry christmas and all that.

  peace.

• A Day Late…

  Posted: December 21, 2009, 5:30 am by chi

  Tags:   

  and a dollar short…

  122009.mp3

  this took me entirely too long to do; writing is easier.

  talking about:
  - the snow
  - iPods (plural)
  - grad school apps
  - my upcoming trip to Kenya

  soundtrak: mingle :: take it easy on me
  

  warning: i am very boring.

  peace.

• War of My Life/North

  Posted: December 8, 2009, 5:57 am by chi

  soundtrak: john mayer :: war of my life

  - i know i haven’t written in awhile, so this post is going to ramble a bit. things have been so-so, but i don’t want to complain. complaining is tiring. some things i’ll talk about and some things i won’t.
  - people are starting to say that i look more and more like my mother everyday. it’s kinda weird because people have said that looked more like my dad than anyone else. but when i look at my grandmother, i see how similar my mom looks to here. i have been having issues with my looks lately, things have just not been fitting quite right.
  - i also feel like i have been a little lost lately. just all over the place. but i feel like i need to be in another place in order to get some direction and stability. not spiritually, but physically. as in, not in maryland. as much as i love my hometown (DMV til i die baby!), i feel like it’s time for me to go. not leave permanently, but just go for a bit.
  - i really couldn’t sleep yesterday (friday). i was thinking about too many things at the same time: school, family, guys (i guess…). life in general. maybe because i’m turning 30 in less than two months. i don’t know what i’m going to do for it or even if i want to do anything at all. i want to own something. i want to be something, to be somewhere. but i feel so unaccomplished. so i have been distant from everyone lately. but i can’t really complain about life. i’m physically fit, i’m in an okay place financially, i have a place to live and i’m able to help the people i love. despite all this hardship, i continue to have the faith that things will get better. eventually.

  soundtrak: phoenix :: north

  - all that was written above i wrote down with pen and paper a couple of days ago. frankly, it’s hard for me to write these days, even when i want to. so i end up having all these ideas and problems and revelations swimming in my head, trying to find their way out; i can’t seem to figure out the words that i want to use to express myself. so i’m going to stop looking for the right words and just write what i can, when i can, about what i can. and just leave it like that.
  - i have had a personal ban on Y for several months. i didn’t realize that i could be so scathing, cruel, so strong-willed. but i can. Y emailed me two days ago i think. i don’t like that; i don’t like being on other people’s time schedules. life doesn’t work out that way. i emailed him back. brief. i can be nice, but i don’t have to care. i don’t know what he wants anyway.
  - it’s funny: i could be the worst friend in the world. i can stop being your friend; i can drop the line of communication and never speak to you again, if you’re not worth it. i don’t know if it’s because i am getting older and i’m getting to a place that i’m comfortable enough not to care what people think about me anymore. people like Y. but i will admit that i have been distant with people that i do care about. i didn’t go to the biochem meet-up; i lied and said that i had to work. i don’t know. i couldn’t face nic, D and the boy. i felt ashamed compared to them. i don’t even know why i compare myself to them. well, i do know ‘why’, but i don’t know why i do. it hurts, it’s painful. what do i have to bring to the table?

  that’s all i got right now.
  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes