Delusions of Grandeur

• Let Me Show Ya

  Posted: July 27, 2009, 6:51 pm by chi

  soundtrak: jazzanova :: let me show ya

  - i am probably one of the most anti-social beings on the planet. i know it’s not conducive to surviving in the work environment, but with some people, i just can’t do it. i can be friendly, i can be helpful, i can talk about current news events, but if i don’t like you like that, i don’t really care what you did this weekend and i’m most certainly not going to tell you what i did this weekend (which was the national aquarium, btw; for someone that has lived in this area for 20+ years, it sad that my first visit was yesterday… it was awesome, i loved it). i expect give-and-take; if i don’t give it, why you think i’m going to take it.
  - so i’m really pulling my bootstraps on this whole graduate school application thing. of course, it’s only one thing making me procrastinate with the whole process and that’s the GREs. if i didn’t have to take it (and i am planning on contacting programs to see if, as an older student, if i really need them), i would have been in school already, trust me. anyways, i can’t let one thing stop me, so i’m sucking it up and doing it.
  - i also realize that if i get back on a graduate school stipend (also one that would be significantly lower than what i recieved in my last program), i’m gonna need a side hustle. i’m good at organizing and whatnot, so i’m thinking about being a personal assistant part-time. of course, the person would have to have a need for a personal assistant about once or twice a week. i could totally do it.
  - i’m not going to lie to you: it’s monday and it was kinda rough this morning. i have been troubleshooting this piece of equipement that we have here in lab for about two months, had the guys come out (from international waters) only to find out that the problem was human error (read: me). that depressed me for a minute, but i carry on. now, running it, i’m starting to see another problem with it and i’m trying my hardest just not to throw my hands up in the air in frustration. i’m going to run several gels with several samples and see if i can make a consice report for the boss and company before i say anything. i. really. hate. troubleshooting.
  - but you know what i miss: i miss writing. i used to be a good writer, a really good writer. now, i can barely keep a thought, barely write a paragraph without it being all over the place. look at this entry; it’s in bulletpoints. i want to improve on that.
  - there are lots of things that i want to improve on, lots of things that i want to do, but i realize my main problem is that i make too many goals to complete at the same time, so in the end, i don’t complete any. i do want to improve my writing, for example, but other things have to take priority. now, i do not have any time to waste. every day, every hour, every minute, i have to doing something to complete a goal. let’s get to it.

  more later.
  peace.

• Spoiled

  Posted: July 11, 2009, 4:15 am by chi

  soundtrak: maxwell :: love you

  i have been trying to write this entry all day, to no avail. i know what i want to say, so i should just come out and say it:

  i’m spoiled. jam loved me the way i want a man to love me: i want the attention, i want the kindness, i want somebody to give a damn. and i know Y will never do that for me ever. he’s a guy, so he’s going to try his best not to make me cry (i don’t know… it’s a guy thing), but he’ll never give me what i need.

  *sigh* finally. i said it. now i can take my advil pm (because tylenol pm stopped working a long time ago) and go to sleep.

  peace.

• Protected: Dwell

  Posted: July 4, 2009, 1:42 am by chi

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• Attack

  Posted: July 3, 2009, 8:19 pm by chi

  soundtrak: N.E.R.D :: sooner or later

  i think i just had one of the worst anxiety attacks that i’ve ever had in my entire life. i’m still feeling the residuals as i type this, but i’m feeling much better.
  i haven’t had an anxiety attack in awhile, but when i was in the mall this morning, i could feel it coming on. usually, it’s not that bad, but i was by myself, which i think intensified my feelings and just made it worse. i left the mall but it was still coming in waves. and then, for some odd reason, two separate guys in two separate cars tried to talk to me (WHO DOES THAT?! it’s not cute!), but where i was at mentally, it felt like i was being attacked and threatened. i was freaking out and i was driving a car (and i was on the capital beltway, which was probably not a good idea). I was feeling a little better, getting gas, but in the parking lot of ta.rget, i started to hyperventilate. i never felt so alone. i tried desperately to call someone, anyone; if i could hear a voice, i could at least calm down. but i couldn’t reach anyone, so i started to pray. i just had to leave and go home.
  now that i’m home, i’m feeling much better. i’m exhausted; i feel like i’ve been running a marathon. i think i’m going to rest now. hopefully write more later.

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes