Delusions of Grandeur

• Small Things

  Posted: May 20, 2009, 12:59 am by chi

  soundtrak: estate :: professional owner

  - i am writing this post from lab and i’m writing it in 20 minutes because by then i’ll already have been here 10 hours. due to unfortunate circumstances, i didn’t get anything done that i wanted to get done today. it doesn’t really matter as i am taking friday off to go the boy + rotisserie’s wedding.
  - by myself. i’m going to the wedding by myself. everybody else seems to have a problem with this except for me. it’s a weekend thing, so i didn’t think it would be appropriate to ask somebody to come down and stay with me. and i kind of need a break for maryland, so the time away will be wisely spent. i didn’t really have a problem with it until other people started having a problem with it, and now i’m trying to avoid freaking out about (last thing i need is a panic attack in the middle of nowhere).
  - i haven’t been writing mostly because i’ve been working 10-12 hour days but also because i’ve been a little scared to write about everything that’s been going on. or more like, i have been scared to process my emotions throughout this time. i don’t want to start to talk about because i feel i should go into detail about it. but detail involves thinking about it and i don’t know if i really want to do that either. you know what they say: ignorance is bliss. but i will touch on it soon hopefully.
  - i’ve been seeing doppelgangers of people that i know lately. i saw mr. unattainable’s doppelganger last week in the hallway at work and i saw somebody else (i can’t pinpoint who, but i know it wasn’t him) this morning as i was driving to work this morning. they say that if you see somebody’s doppelganger, it’s a foreshadowing of illness for them. but i feel this has some sort of significance for me; but i don’t know how as i have not been thinking about mr. unattainable for quite some time.
  - talking about doppelgangers, i don’t think i would be able to recognize mine if i saw it (which is good because they say that if you see your own doppelganger, it’s a foreshadowing of your death… yikes!). in all honesty, i barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore. currently, i have lost a total of 140 pounds, but some days i still feel like the fat, insecure girl that i was (am). not pretty enough and not smart enough to compensate for the not pretty enough. some days are better than others; some days i can feign confidence pretty well. like this weight loss, it’s a journey. a long, painful journey. but one that i’m grateful to go through.
  - have i been studying for the GREs? no. sometimes i feel so far away from this goal of completing my PhD, i feel too old to be going back to school. but i just can’t let it go; i can’t stop saying that i will go back. procrastination is my problem, but determination is my key.
  - also to note, it’s funny how many people have come up to me this past week to ask me if i’m almost done with college (first of all, i’m flattered… i really look that young?). umm… i’ve been done with college for a minute, so yeah i’m done. it’s also hilarious (but a little disheartening) how many people ask if i’m done with my PhD yet. i tell them: not yet.

  and it’s officially 5pm; i’m outta here! more later peeps!

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes