Delusions of Grandeur

• In the Name of Frankness

  Posted: May 9, 2009, 6:32 am by chi

  soundtrak: maxwell :: pretty wings

  so i know it’s been awhile since i’ve last written. somewhat due to work, but mostly because by the time i get home, i lose the motivation to write. the motivation will hit me at the beginning of a busy day or in the shower after a workout, prime times for writing unavailability. but now that i’m here…

  have you ever experienced the feeling right after a life-growing moment when you know that you grew up a little? i had one of those moments today. i had to deal with a situation at work, to nip it in the bud. at first, i didn’t want to deal with it at all and i could have left it that way. but in the end, i’m glad i did; not only did the person i deal with grow up a little, but so did i.
  so i thought, what the hell, i’m gonna tell Y how i feel about him already! i texted him and we agreed to an early dinner this evening; i owed him since he paid for dinner this past weekend. the whole time, jan thought i was going to chicken out, but i have been seriously (over) thinking these feelings for several months now and it just got to the point where it was making me physically ill. i had to take action; i was at the point where i had nothing to lose. now in previous instances like these, i would had my panic attack, canceled on dinner and cried myself to sleep by now. but today, i was strangely determined to do this (of course, with panic like feelings in tow).
  he was running super late and there was this huge accident nearby, so i was left alone with my crazy social science experiment thoughts; either three things would happen: 1. he would declare his love for me and we would frolic into the sunset. 2. he would be repulsed and avoid me for all time. 3. he would already be in a relationship. this is how i deal with life people; i have to put things into perspective. more information is power.
  dinner was nice. he finally came and we talked about life, work, working out, etc. i think i came to this point, the point in telling him, not because the feelings have been driving me crazy, but because i really appreciate and value what he brings to my life. the other day i thought about all the things that he’s done for me this year alone, including planning my 29th birthday dinner. that’s love, man! the least i could do was be truthful and honest with him.
  actually, in the name of frankness, i was going to blow it off. i wasn’t going to tell him; our ‘friendship’ conversation was just that good and i didn’t want to record scratch the banter. but then jan text messaged me asking, ‘how did it go?’ she was adamant that it would be option number 1, even though i was frightened by it. he excused himself to the bathroom and with our food being boxed up, i knew it was now or much later never. surprisingly, no panic attack.
  he came back and i asked him, “can i be frank with you? can you handle that?” (i don’t know; i was in my stand-up comedienne mode; i was ON!). he laughed, “i’m nothing but frank…” when i told him, his eyes shot up in surprise. and of course, the social experiment resulted in option number 3; but knowing that option would be a possibility made it that much easier. he said, “i like bold women.” (that got an eye raise from me) and he assured me that we would still be the best of friends (even though i’ve been known to cause most of his girlfriends to be upset with me…) and this declaration wouldn’t change things. i wasn’t jumping up and down for joy, but i was glad the way things turned out. he also made an observation that i think i appreciate more that everything else. “you’re really coming out of your shell, chi.” “slowly,” i laughed. “no… you’re exploding.” and i know he would know; i used to be so painfully shy, i wouldn’t even talk to friends unless i was spoken to first. so…. here’s to busting out.

  so i’m going to try this, being frank thing, here with this blog. i know i’ve been censoring myself alot lately (to the point where i felt the need to have a password-only blog elsewhere), but i didn’t know how much it was really affecting my writing, as well as processing of my thoughts, issues, etc (especially those that i would like to share here). nicola, who i admire for the way that she can express herself through words, said that she writes for herself. and it hit me: for a long time, i haven’t been writing for myself. i have been writing for the people that read this, the people i want to read and the people i don’t. i look back at my writing in college and even though very rough, i can feel what i was thinking, how i was processing what was happening to me. when i look back at these past entries, i don’t feel anything. i just see words.
  and i’m not going to lie: it’s hard to be frank when you’re a control freak. you want people to see you one way, this way, and that’s it. but i know i’m just doing a disservice to myself more than to the few that will actually read this entry. so i’m going to do more, be more and be better.

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes