Delusions of Grandeur

• Small Things

  Posted: May 20, 2009, 12:59 am by chi

  soundtrak: estate :: professional owner

  - i am writing this post from lab and i’m writing it in 20 minutes because by then i’ll already have been here 10 hours. due to unfortunate circumstances, i didn’t get anything done that i wanted to get done today. it doesn’t really matter as i am taking friday off to go the boy + rotisserie’s wedding.
  - by myself. i’m going to the wedding by myself. everybody else seems to have a problem with this except for me. it’s a weekend thing, so i didn’t think it would be appropriate to ask somebody to come down and stay with me. and i kind of need a break for maryland, so the time away will be wisely spent. i didn’t really have a problem with it until other people started having a problem with it, and now i’m trying to avoid freaking out about (last thing i need is a panic attack in the middle of nowhere).
  - i haven’t been writing mostly because i’ve been working 10-12 hour days but also because i’ve been a little scared to write about everything that’s been going on. or more like, i have been scared to process my emotions throughout this time. i don’t want to start to talk about because i feel i should go into detail about it. but detail involves thinking about it and i don’t know if i really want to do that either. you know what they say: ignorance is bliss. but i will touch on it soon hopefully.
  - i’ve been seeing doppelgangers of people that i know lately. i saw mr. unattainable’s doppelganger last week in the hallway at work and i saw somebody else (i can’t pinpoint who, but i know it wasn’t him) this morning as i was driving to work this morning. they say that if you see somebody’s doppelganger, it’s a foreshadowing of illness for them. but i feel this has some sort of significance for me; but i don’t know how as i have not been thinking about mr. unattainable for quite some time.
  - talking about doppelgangers, i don’t think i would be able to recognize mine if i saw it (which is good because they say that if you see your own doppelganger, it’s a foreshadowing of your death… yikes!). in all honesty, i barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore. currently, i have lost a total of 140 pounds, but some days i still feel like the fat, insecure girl that i was (am). not pretty enough and not smart enough to compensate for the not pretty enough. some days are better than others; some days i can feign confidence pretty well. like this weight loss, it’s a journey. a long, painful journey. but one that i’m grateful to go through.
  - have i been studying for the GREs? no. sometimes i feel so far away from this goal of completing my PhD, i feel too old to be going back to school. but i just can’t let it go; i can’t stop saying that i will go back. procrastination is my problem, but determination is my key.
  - also to note, it’s funny how many people have come up to me this past week to ask me if i’m almost done with college (first of all, i’m flattered… i really look that young?). umm… i’ve been done with college for a minute, so yeah i’m done. it’s also hilarious (but a little disheartening) how many people ask if i’m done with my PhD yet. i tell them: not yet.

  and it’s officially 5pm; i’m outta here! more later peeps!

  peace.

• In the Name of Frankness

  Posted: May 9, 2009, 6:32 am by chi

  soundtrak: maxwell :: pretty wings

  so i know it’s been awhile since i’ve last written. somewhat due to work, but mostly because by the time i get home, i lose the motivation to write. the motivation will hit me at the beginning of a busy day or in the shower after a workout, prime times for writing unavailability. but now that i’m here…

  have you ever experienced the feeling right after a life-growing moment when you know that you grew up a little? i had one of those moments today. i had to deal with a situation at work, to nip it in the bud. at first, i didn’t want to deal with it at all and i could have left it that way. but in the end, i’m glad i did; not only did the person i deal with grow up a little, but so did i.
  so i thought, what the hell, i’m gonna tell Y how i feel about him already! i texted him and we agreed to an early dinner this evening; i owed him since he paid for dinner this past weekend. the whole time, jan thought i was going to chicken out, but i have been seriously (over) thinking these feelings for several months now and it just got to the point where it was making me physically ill. i had to take action; i was at the point where i had nothing to lose. now in previous instances like these, i would had my panic attack, canceled on dinner and cried myself to sleep by now. but today, i was strangely determined to do this (of course, with panic like feelings in tow).
  he was running super late and there was this huge accident nearby, so i was left alone with my crazy social science experiment thoughts; either three things would happen: 1. he would declare his love for me and we would frolic into the sunset. 2. he would be repulsed and avoid me for all time. 3. he would already be in a relationship. this is how i deal with life people; i have to put things into perspective. more information is power.
  dinner was nice. he finally came and we talked about life, work, working out, etc. i think i came to this point, the point in telling him, not because the feelings have been driving me crazy, but because i really appreciate and value what he brings to my life. the other day i thought about all the things that he’s done for me this year alone, including planning my 29th birthday dinner. that’s love, man! the least i could do was be truthful and honest with him.
  actually, in the name of frankness, i was going to blow it off. i wasn’t going to tell him; our ‘friendship’ conversation was just that good and i didn’t want to record scratch the banter. but then jan text messaged me asking, ‘how did it go?’ she was adamant that it would be option number 1, even though i was frightened by it. he excused himself to the bathroom and with our food being boxed up, i knew it was now or much later never. surprisingly, no panic attack.
  he came back and i asked him, “can i be frank with you? can you handle that?” (i don’t know; i was in my stand-up comedienne mode; i was ON!). he laughed, “i’m nothing but frank…” when i told him, his eyes shot up in surprise. and of course, the social experiment resulted in option number 3; but knowing that option would be a possibility made it that much easier. he said, “i like bold women.” (that got an eye raise from me) and he assured me that we would still be the best of friends (even though i’ve been known to cause most of his girlfriends to be upset with me…) and this declaration wouldn’t change things. i wasn’t jumping up and down for joy, but i was glad the way things turned out. he also made an observation that i think i appreciate more that everything else. “you’re really coming out of your shell, chi.” “slowly,” i laughed. “no… you’re exploding.” and i know he would know; i used to be so painfully shy, i wouldn’t even talk to friends unless i was spoken to first. so…. here’s to busting out.

  so i’m going to try this, being frank thing, here with this blog. i know i’ve been censoring myself alot lately (to the point where i felt the need to have a password-only blog elsewhere), but i didn’t know how much it was really affecting my writing, as well as processing of my thoughts, issues, etc (especially those that i would like to share here). nicola, who i admire for the way that she can express herself through words, said that she writes for herself. and it hit me: for a long time, i haven’t been writing for myself. i have been writing for the people that read this, the people i want to read and the people i don’t. i look back at my writing in college and even though very rough, i can feel what i was thinking, how i was processing what was happening to me. when i look back at these past entries, i don’t feel anything. i just see words.
  and i’m not going to lie: it’s hard to be frank when you’re a control freak. you want people to see you one way, this way, and that’s it. but i know i’m just doing a disservice to myself more than to the few that will actually read this entry. so i’m going to do more, be more and be better.

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes