Delusions of Grandeur

• Reeling

  Posted: April 26, 2009, 8:11 pm by chi

  soundtrak: passion pit :: the reeling

  
  The Reeling - Passion Pit

  - so my toe is more sore than i thought. it was healing nicely after the wedding, but because i work in a lab, i have to wear closed-toe shoes (usually sneakers, since i’m on my feet all day) and i worked out this week as well. friday was a nice day, so i left sandals in the car to wear after lab; by the time i came home, my toe was swelling, red and oozing. i know, nice. being the genius i am, i tried to run on it today, but it wasn’t trying to happen, it was aching so much. i’m going to try to keep it out in the open as much as possible and hopefully it heals faster.
  - i’m bummed because i was planning on increasing my mileage this week. i’m already not having the best body image right now and my highest intensity routine has to take a break for awhile. i can’t do pilates all that well because of my disability, so i feel stuck. i guess just some weights and low-impact cardio for me then.
  - sometimes i get so caught up with the way i look that i forget how much i’ve lost, what clothes i can wear now. i just keep on foraging ahead, just going, going, going. i forget where i am sometimes.
  - but it seems that i have lost my talent of being able to focus. i once read in wired about this guy that was so obsessed about doing everything efficiently that he did not have time for human contact. personally, he could have scheduled time for human contact. besides that, i agree with him at some point; people in general tend to get in the way of doing things efficiently. there are so many things that i want to do right now, but once i start thinking about them, figuring out the logistics of it, i get so overwhelmed that i don’t even begin. and usually other people distract me, be it my family, my friends or my boss (i realize now this is why i don’t go out at all; i’m simply doing other stuff…). it’s bad and it’s something that i’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days. i shared with moms and she helped me with at least one thing; i’m finally pre-approved, so i can really start looking for houses. it just reminds me that it’s okay to ask for help and there are people here waiting and willing to help you; all you have to do is ask. that’s the one thing that poor guy forgot to factor in.
  - i was so pressed that this current issue of wired was guest-edited by jj a.brams that i purchased a subscription for two years (it was deal…)
  - work is pretty okay, i guess. God is giving me a spirit of tolerance as my boss is off the map of charted crazy. this is somewhere i don’t want to stay, i don’t plan on staying. it’s mostly about continuing my education, but at the same time my boss doesn’t trust any of the work that jan and i do. we’re always being double -checked and our work tossed out the window (”do it again”). i understand somewhat, but don’t say that you’re open when you’re not; you want to create an environment where you want people to stay long term, but you don’t.
  - i’m scanning blouse on the hype machine as i type this; trying to get a new sound in my ear.
  - …and my iPod is broken; the earphone jack is jacked somehow so i can only listen to music in one ear. it sucks because if i continue i might go deaf in my left ear. i don’t know if i should get the same model as before or just go with an iPod touch. meh.

  more later. meh.

  peace.

• Thoughts on a Wedding

  Posted: April 20, 2009, 6:59 pm by chi

  sountrak: spacek :: daughter

  - the wedding was beautiful. i really didn’t think i was going to cry, but i did when my brother recited his vows. it was then that i realized that my little brother, the one that i would defend to others, was grown now, starting a family of his own. i can’t wait for a little niece/nephew!
  - talking about kids, there were alot of kids this weekend. some (second) cousin i have never met and some i have never met in person. i have a four stage strategy that makes me irresistible to kids. of course, i’m not going to share, but it works.
  - i tend to be the person that bad luck falls upon on special days. i didn’t want to say the dreadful words because i knew that would make my second sister (that’s what we call her now) very nervous. first, i went to the right room, but the wrong hotel. i must have knocked for a good 5 minutes before i called the wedding coordinator and realized my error. i quickly yelled ‘housekeeping!’ and made a run for it. also, one of the bridesmaids, in heels, accidentally stepped on my big toe. there was a big ‘crack!’ sound, but we were mostly worried about swelling (and it was good that the person that stepped on me is a nurse, so she knows what she’s doing), but when she opened her hand, i exclaimed, “i’m bleeding.” in the end, it wasn’t that bad. walking was a trial though.
  - i also had to do a toast to the groom’s parents (my parents); i had something written the night before, but i left it on my computer (i didn’t want to print it out lest my parents find it). i forgot it the next morning, but remembered most of it by heart and wrote it down again. by the time my turn came, i totally threw what i had written away and went with the heart. i feel like it could have been better, but my mom loved it.

  i think in the end despite super long toasts and horrible special songs and frustration and lack of communication, it was still a great day. everybody ended up being happy, with the couple being the happiest of all. i have never felt so grateful and blessed.

  peace.

  (i also realize that i haven’t been writing lately; i’m working on it)

• Out of Sync

  Posted: April 8, 2009, 2:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: phoenix :: 1901

  - i know it’s been a minute. i don’t know; i feel like i’m letting time get away from me. i haven’t really been doing anything constructive (like studying for the GREs…um… yeah). i’m trying to get back into the groove of what i need to do.
  - on that note, i feel like my anxiety tendencies are stopping by for a visit. my fingernails are bothering me so much that i cannot take my focus off them, the things that enjoyed doing a couple of weeks ago (save working out) have lost interest, talking to people/friends is a chore that i can do without. i feel like i have no motivation (even though i do). i never felt so lonely, yet so content at the same time. i hope this doesn’t end in an anxiety/panic attack, which as bad as it sounds, works as my reset button.
  - been downloading some new good music lately. hey, if i didn’t hear it, the it’s new to me.
  - i accidently erased my book read list, but i’m still reading. i don’t know if i’m going to compile that list again because i don’t like to write reviews on books.

  keeping it short and sweet.

  peace.

• 15 Songs

  Posted: April 1, 2009, 6:27 am by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: round the corner

  (i should just really write more often, but i really don’t feel like it right now. but i do love music)

  Think of 15 SONGS (or musical compositions) that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dug into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the ass, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you’re it!

  1 Amazing Grace
  2 Oasis - Wonderwall
  3 High Contrast - Passion
  4 Nightmares on Wax - Les Nuits
  5 The Roots - Act Too: Love of My Life
  6 Radiohead - Karma Police
  7 Ian Pooley - Intro (it’s not even a song, but the significance…)
  8 Mingle - 11 Minutes
  9 DJ Clever - Steel
  10 Fertile Ground - Be Natural
  11 Handsome Boy Modeling School - The Truth
  12 London Elektricity - Do You Believe
  13 Sesame Street - The Happiest Street in the World
  14 Nightmares on Wax - Damn
  15 Bent - Beautiful Otherness

  what are yours?

  peace

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes