Delusions of Grandeur

• The Aftermath

  Posted: August 24, 2008, 5:45 am by chi

  soundtrak: rae and christian :: all i ask

  - it’s something about having an (anxiety) attack. i find that the weeks following, i’m very productive. my work in lab has been going well and my boss was impressed. i also mailed in my registration forms for my GREs and i’m signed up. it’s good, i’m excited. one month to study. wee! i don’t really think about when i start to feel like it’s too much and i guess that’s where my problem lies: i don’t know where to stop before it gets too much. i don’t know.
  - i like this song. it kind of took a minute to grow on me.
  - out of boredom, i painted my nails white. actually, i don’t own any nail polish, so i went out to target one day and just bought white.
  - me and writing: somedays, i want desperately to write here and other days, i just don’t. i’m trying to find the balance so that i don’t completely abandon my blog. i know that writing will help me out with alot of the things that i’m going through, but i can’t even write in my personal journal, let alone here. i know it’s my defense mechanism kicking in: if i don’t talk about it, i can pretend that it’s not there. just typing that out is hard for me. hmm.

  anyways, that’s all from me for now. my life is very minimal at best, so the updates come when they come.

  peace

• The Attack

  Posted: August 9, 2008, 3:16 am by chi

  soundtrak: coldplay :: warning sign

  i didn’t see it coming. i never see it coming. i had my worst anxiety attack today; out of 4 total to date. i was more fatigued that usual, waking up late this morning. i already logged in more than 50 hours in lab and i was actually supposed to take today off, but that didn’t work out. i haven’t been sleeping well lately either, which should have tipped me off.

  rather than go into all the stresses that caused my attack today, i’ll just talk about the attack itself. everybody is different and has a different experience. usually, my mind starts rushing out of control, which precludes the physical symptoms of an attack. my mind was racing so i tried to do some work to keep me busy (which usually works; i also have a mild case of OCD), but unfortunately (fortunately?) i didn’t have alot of work to do (why was i at work?). this was when i started to experience shortness of breath. almost like hiccups, i would have a couple of rapid breaths, then my breathing would return (try to return) to normal. i was trying to breathe, but i couldn’t. jan came back to the desk area and asked the magic words, “what’s wrong?” it was then i started to hyperventilate for about 10 minutes. jan wanted to call an ambulance, but i told her not to. i could feel myself about to pass out and even after the severe part subsided, i still had residual affects a couple of hours afterward.

  we went to lunch and jan asked me why i didn’t tell her about my anxiety. it’s not exactly something i want to broadcast and my attacks have been so far apart, so i don’t really think about them. it’s easier just to make excuses to why i ‘just can’t make it this time” than explain my anxiety. “it explains alot,” jan commented.

  in the end, i probably won’t tell anybody about today (except you, of course). i did get checked out and it’s not anything i should take meds for. and i do have coping mechanisms that i use. i’ll just keep on coping the best way i know how.

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes