Delusions of Grandeur

• Another Again

  Posted: April 24, 2008, 4:53 am by chi

  soundtrak: john legend :: another again

  - i know this particular john legend album has been out for awhile and i wasn’t too terribly interested in it frankly, but this song popped on my pandora playlist. it’s a nice song; instrumental wise, not so much lyrics wise.
  - my tendonitis is flaring up again. i didn’t really do anything to agitate it, so i’m wondering why. other than lifting, i haven’t doing too much with it.
  - so i met with the pastor this past weekend, after service actually and he gave me the opportunity to talk to MB with pastor acting as mediator. i didn’t realize how upset i was still as i tried to keep my composure. MB started about all this stuff, that he has ‘pure love’ for me and whatnot, but love includes respect and he has only been completely disrespectful of my space and person. he just doesn’t seem to get it. i just hope that’s the last of it; i don’t want to go through this over again.
  - it’s too easy to quit, too easy to complain, too easy to do nothing about my graduate school dreams. it’s a little hard to explain, but i just see better things out there for me. it’s not going to be easy but i know i’m up for the challenge. i feel like something good is seriously coming my way. i don’t know what it i, but i feel the anticipation. something good is coming.
  - jam and i have been talking for about two weeks now. we did decide that we were just going to be friends and i think we’re both good with the decision, but the line for us is blurred and i don’t want to cross it or do something to cause him to cross the line, to end up back where we started. but he makes me smile, he makes me happy; he’s a blessing to my life.
  - what is this structure you ask? it’s oxytocin. this chemical is a neurotransmitter found in the brain, released at key moments to strengthen feelings of social recognition and bonding with other people. without oxytocin we’d all be lonely and nearly incapable of maintaining strong relationships. It can be released whenever you experience moments of touching or other interactions with people. some key moments of high oxytocin production include during breastfeeding, during the birth process, and even at the point of orgasm. both men and women produce oxytocin but men don’t feel the effects as strongly because of interference from testosterone. learn something new everyday. (source)

  peace.

• The Concept of Beauty

  Posted: April 22, 2008, 5:53 am by chi

  soundtrak: silence

  last week, my diva coach took me out to get a dress and makeup for my brother’s engagement party coming up (did i mention that my brother is engaged?). to enlighten you all, if i haven’t already before, i have no basis for the concept of beauty. i have never worn makeup in all my 28 years and i have had no desire to do so. i didn’t really care about how others saw me (i guess because i never really liked the way i looked myself), so dressing up, let alone shopping in general held no interest for me.
  we stopped at nord.stroms in the junior department. i have never shopped in the junior department ever. it’s still hard for me to adjust to my new size; i pick out clothes that are too big for me. diva coach picked out these dresses that i would never wear and we ended up settling on a long, sleeveless, strapless dress. i was kind of nervous purchasing it, but diva coach insisted that i could pull it off. we went over to the mac counter next and had my face done in colors that i would never have picked. “you need to get your eyebrows done,” the mac lady told me. how? where? when? i ended up not buying any makeup (because i’m still jobless) and i needed to go to vicky’s secret to get one of those strapless bras.
  this is hard. i don’t get it, but i’m trying to learn. i’m trying to be comfortable in my own skin.

  peace.

• Alone

  Posted: April 15, 2008, 9:37 pm by chi

  soundtrak: tennishero :: alone (ft. chelonis r. jones)

  my coping mechanism for dealing with stress is withdrawing from my environment. i stop talking, i stop writing. being around people becomes too much for me. i screen my calls.

  i woke up this past friday morning to work on my taxes when i received an email from jam. we agreed that we weren’t going to talk for at least a month, so i was surprised. i know that jam knows about this blog; i don’t know if he still reads it or not, but there are still some things that i just don’t talk about on here, so i won’t go into detail about the email. but it sort of threw me for a loop, then add persisting phone calls from my dad and i just shut down.
  this weekend, i went to church and ran into somebody that i haven’t seen in awhile. as i was greeting her, MB was walking around. i was keeping him at the corner of my eye. after my last encounter (second item), i made sure to completely keep away from this fool. like before, he accosted me; i asked him nicely to let go of me, then i threatened him with violence before i used violence. i know he thinks it’s all a big joke, but it’s not. he has no respect for my person. he doesn’t know that i can and if forced to, will take legal action on him. i talked to the pastor about it (and i sent a follow up email just now; i’m completely serious) and i hope it just gets resolved.
  after that whole thing, i was pretty peeved and my dad saw that as an opportune time to come and talk to me about…. well, about crap. i know i haven’t really spoken about all the family issues that have been going on and i don’t know if i will. that just made me even more upset because he couldn’t see how upset i was already. i drove to church that day, so i walked to the car, climbed in and just sat, windows up on a hot day. i know it’s weird, but the quiet and the heat calms me somehow. for some reason, my dad was not done talking to me and knocked on the window to berate me some more.

  ugh. today is a little better. it’s tax day; all of my savings went to taxes though, so that’s a little depressing, being broke. still looking for a job, looking to reapply to graduate school again. sometimes i think i just go through the motions.

  peace.

• New Growth

  Posted: April 9, 2008, 1:19 am by chi

  soundtrak: mint royale :: show me

  i was in target the other day and i saw these small pots in the dollar isle, so i thought: why not? i’m not the best gardener in the world, but just watching the seeds that i put in the soil germinate is amazing.

  i haven’t been able to write lately because i have been just going through too much in everything. i actually had this whole other entry written out about all the things that have been going on. and i was going to post it. but now i realize why i wrote it; so i can crumple it up and throw it in the trash.

  i’m a worrier; i worry about the future alot. where am i going to get the money from to pay my taxes? will i get accepted to this program? and everything seems to be happening all at the same time: my fellowship ended, jam and i decided that it would be best if we would be apart, boston rejected me, the irs audited me. Lord. all it seems i can do is pray and cry. why do i have to go through all these trials?

  but i realized, that like my plants, i am going through all these troubles (like i said, i’m not the best gardener in the world), but yet they grow. it doesn’t matter what they go through, but how they handle what they go through. God made these awesome flowers and plants that are resilient to the extreme of environments. can you imagine all the crap that we put our bodies through? and i’ve just been siting here, mourning my no-job, no-PhD having self. i have been dwelling on the trials themselves and not the reason why i’m going through them.

  God is using me to help others; i see it daily. i know that what i’m going through now will help somebody in the future. i don’t know how and i don’t know when, but it will. i know it’s also depends how i deal with everything that i’m going through now. when you think about all the great people that we esteem so highly in our society, we usually think about all the trials they went through and we barely think about why they are so successful; because of the way they dealt with their trials.

  i know people think i’m crazy to try to get back into school and i’m crazy to try to apply a third time. they wonder how i’m going to pay my taxes and penalties with no job. but i wholeheartedly trust in God and his plan. i know things aren’t going to make sense and things won’t go the way i’ve planned, but i don’t have to worry about anything and just do what he wants me to do.

  and like my plants, i grow.

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes