Delusions of Grandeur

• Keep the Faith

  Posted: March 26, 2008, 8:46 pm by chi

  soundtrak: the velvet teen :: chimera obscurant

  (cherry blossoms on the tidal basin 2006)

  - i had the strangest encounter this morning. actually, i pulled into the parking garage later than usual due to an accident on the road on the way to work. anyways, i was taking the elevator down (which i usually don’t do; i take the stairs) with this elderly man. we made small chit-chat (which i also usually don’t do; i very much keep to myself). anyways, we started talking about work in general and i mentioned that my fellowship was ending this month. for 40 minutes, we talked about school and his PhD training experience; alot of the things he went through, i’m going through now. i know that my family and friends know and feel what i’ve gone through this past year, but this elderly man, sam, well he just understood; the depression, the disappointment and just trying to keep your head above water. i’m just really blessed that i had an opportunity to speak with him. he told me to keep the faith and good luck. such an awesome experience.
  - the cherry blossoms are almost in bloom. jam is coming into town at the end of next week, flying into regan. he usually doesn’t fly, but drive, so i was suprised. he wants me to come down into the city, meet him and see the blossoms. it’s nice, but i feel strange about it. i know he wants to see me and i want to see him, but it’s strange.
  - i’ve just been tired lately. i’ve been taking my vitamins, but i feel like i have no energy. i keep on waking up late and rolling out of bed. i definitely need this time off next month.

  more later.
  peace.

• Normalize

  Posted: March 18, 2008, 4:19 am by chi

  soundtrak: adamski :: one of the people/ fan modine :: pageantry

  

  - i fel like i’ve been out of it for the past couple of days. just distant and tired in general. everything seems to be wiping out my energy. i know i need a break after leaving work before i start temping. the environment, this situation that i find myself in completely drains me.
  - i don’t know how i feel about jam. we talked last week before he went on his trip. he asked me if i would consider marrying him, which i thought was funny since the same thought had been running through my mind days prior. i still don’t know about marriage. i never thought about it growing up and i don’t really think about it now (unless mom brings it up). it would not be a dream fulfilled for me. i guess it would be nice, but then again, i’m a very independent, solitary person. i’ll always remember what massander told, which i feel is one of my biggest strengths and weakness: i’m focused. once i got something in my head and i really want to do it, all my energy and time will go into it. unfortunately, i will sacrifice pretty much everything else including my health (read: coming into lab with the flu). so i know that my focus is not so much on relationships right now, even though with jam it is. i don’t know if that’s going to change anytime soon. then, to add on that, we’re already long distance. what to do, what to do…
  - my friend who hadn’t seen me in a while gave me a new nickname: skinny bitch. ha! of course, i don’t act (that) bitchy, but i remember growing up how i just wanted people to like me. i could be fat and unattractive, but it didn’t matter as long as i was liked. i know i have friends out there that really enjoy me for me, but sometimes i feel the anxiety that everybody is lying in my face. abbs is planning a going away dinner for me and i’m afraid that nobody is going to show up.
  - this weekend, much to the insistence of my newly appointed ‘diva coach’, i have emptied my closet of all the clothes that i cannot wear anymore, only to find that all the clothing that i can wear can fit in one very small suitcase. it was hard because those were clothes that i loved and spent alot of money on, but what use are they to me if i can’t wear them? this week, my diva coach will take me to buy makeup (sweet lord!) and other essentials. also as someone who has lost a large amount of weight, she understands some of the things that i’m going through right now. it feels like i’m having an out-of-body experience. i still dress and act the same way, which was usually a way to cover up my looks. i’m 28 and there are so many things that i haven’t done because my weight has been holding me back. so i’m trying to grow slowly out of my shell.
  - and a final note: i ‘m still waiting to hear from schools. things are progressing and solid, just very slowly.

  peace.

  - oh, oh…. okay… so… ncaa tourney: gtown vs. umbc? who the heck decided that? i know who’s going to win, but who do i root for? i have decided that i’ll always be a retriever at heart… go dogs!

• No Lab on Sunday

  Posted: March 10, 2008, 4:10 pm by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: my dreams

  

  - actually, it’s monday morning. i was supposed to come into lab yesterday to split some cells and start to pull together my presentation for thursday, but it seems that i have caught the flu with the strange symptoms from MD and another co-worker. i really can’t afford to be sick this week, so i’m pushing through it.
  - despite everything, i still feel like a loser and that makes me feel depressed. my time is ending here and i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything at all. i know i should be grateful and happy for what i have, what i have recieved, but i’m always the hardest one on myself, the most critical.
  - i. have. yet. to hear. from programs. i feel like deep down they want me to suffer a mental breakdown.
  - jam is a nice addition to the somewhat frequent phone calls i get from friends. i don’t know how i’m supposed to feel about the whole situation. i’m sure he’s just as confused as i am. i can’t even imagine myself married; how is that supposed to work.
  - i keep on thinking about, having vivid dreams about mr. unattainable. i think i have somewhat come to terms with his unavailability status, but he still haunts me. i had a dream this morning, but i don’t even remember what it was about. he was there though.
  - in about two weeks or so i’ll have the time to update more, update this site, as i will be out of a job. *sigh*

  update: so i’m wait-listed at one school and i should get an answer by the end of the week.

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes