Delusions of Grandeur

• When They Reminisce…

  Posted: November 26, 2007, 6:32 pm by chi

  soundtrak: fan modine :: we are decades

  - i don’t know if it’s a result of still living in the place where i grew up or the fact that my ten year high school reunion is coming up next year, but i’ve been getting in contact with alot of people from secondary school. most of the people i went to high school with, i also went to middle school and even elementary school with as well. this past week, i friended (on facebook), the guy that used to make fun of me in elementary school (like first grade), but became friends in high school. it’s so weird; we’ve known each other for 21 years.
  - this weekend, i met up with the biochemistry crew. i haven’t seen nic’s baby since he was born; well, in person at least… she’s always sending pictures. he’s adorable and the most good natured baby i’ve ever met. D and the boy are also doing well, respectively.
  - for a group of friends that have been friends as long as we have, it’s odd. we still have secrets among us. i know i didn’t really tell the boy about my problems at school and nic didn’t tell me about the surgery that she had recently. yet, we conversate like we all know what’s going on and try not to act shocked when we find out something that we didn’t know. anyways, there is more to that that i will go into in another entry.
  - thanksgiving was kinda crazy. i already have a large family as it is, so when you add in-laws, it just gets a little crazier. this year, i also invited aabs and MD over. lots of food, lots of laughs, lots of teasing; i woke up with a ‘hangover’ the next morning and ended up getting to work late.
  - on facebook, i’m friends with alot of the youth that i work with at church. one of them left me a message when i changed my status saying that i would be in lab this friday: i didn’t know you were a scientist! the thing is i really don’t see myself as a scientist, even though that’s what i am. but that’s what i’m trained to be, so i guess i am. the same way that a postdoc is a doctor, but not really; they’re still technically in training. we don’t call postdocs, dr. so-and-so here at work…. we just call them ‘bob’.
  - work has been okay. i have been working extra hard these past couple of months. my meeting/presentation is next week, so i’m working on the poster this week. then i need to focus on applications and quickly and then maybe i can breathe for a minute.
  - something that i wrote down during the sermon this weekend: sometimes we’re scared to try something new because we’re scared of the consequences of that action; we’re scared of experiencing those circumstances. but we don’t think about how those consequences can help us grow. and i know i’ve been through some shit these past 6-7 months, but i know it’s only God helping me to grow and expand beyond my box. so i’m grateful for the experience.
  - i wish i could apply that same sort of thinking with interacting with cute postdoc. i just freeze up and get so anxious, when really we’re the same person; i think we both have mild OCD (i clean my bathroom every other day y’all….). i only have 2-3 weeks left. argh!

  anyways. i feel that i could have written this entry a bit better, but i couldn’t figure out how to do that, so i just started typing. well… on to work.

  peace.

• Color Quiz

  Posted: November 25, 2007, 11:56 pm by chi

  soundtrak: koop :: whenever there is you

  so i took this color quiz… (this is what i do when i have long incubations)

  chi’s Existing Situation

  Uneasy and insecure in the existing situation. Needs greater security and a more affectionate environment, or a situation imposing less physical strain.

  chi’s Stress Sources

  Resilience and tenacity have become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

  chi’s Restrained Characteristics

  Exacting in her emotional demands, especially during moments of intimacy leaving her frustrated in her desire for a perfect union.
  Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.

  chi’s Desired Objective

  Takes easily and quickly to anything which provides stimulation. Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics cleverly so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermined others’ confidence in herself.

  chi’s Actual Problem

  The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

  chi’s Actual Problem #2

  Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.

  Take the ColorQuiz yourself right now!

• Two for One Special

  Posted: November 25, 2007, 9:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: koop :: i see a different you

  for my 27th birthday party…

  me: who is your +1?
  T: a suprise for you
  me: really?
  me: who?!!
  T: my other personality
  T: muh-whaaaaaaa ha ha!!!
  me: wow
  me: you’re special
  T: two for one special
  me: lol

  peace

• Shauri Yako

  Posted: November 21, 2007, 9:14 pm by chi

  soundtrak: orchestra super mazembe :: shauri yako

  - i guess this should just be an update on me. i know i haven’t been writing that much this month. i’ve started this entry so many times, it’s sad. i’ve been keeping really busy at work and when i get so focused, i don’t have the time to think or be anxious or even mad. but things are getting better. i only feel satisfaction that my hard work is finally being recognized, but humble enough to know (and have experienced) that your hard work can go unrecognized from time to time. you can only take it one day at a time.
  - i absolutely love this song. so i’ve been downloading songs and burning them for my mom when this song just got stuck in my head (and just the chorus too). it was irking me, so i set out to find it and i did (!!). i know it’s an old kenyan favorite (older than me?), but it really takes me back to my childhood. my dad would play it on long trips to nyc. it just makes me happy and want to dance. if you want the mp3 (you know you do!), just give me an email and i’ll pass it your way.
  - it’s that time of year again, thanksgiving. biochemistry crew is meeting up this saturday. i’m so excited; i get to meet nic’s son who i has yet to meet crazy auntie chi.
  - i did change some things around here. the radio.blog is updated, so enjoy that (playlist is on the music page). i changed my template; something a little darker because i’m feeling a little darker right now. but i’m not happy with it, so i might change that soon.
  - my legs are hurting right now; mr. f pushed us yesterday. he added 30 pounds to every exercise, including the leg press; “this is for thanksgiving,” he said. then after that, i ran my regular 2 miles (i’m working on increasing that). i was feeling okay but tired yesterday, but today, i am sore.
  - in lab, every two to five minutes, somebody is calling my name. i know where everything is, i have the answer, i’m the reliable one. i know it’s in my nature, but it seems like everybody is calling name at work, church and home. sometimes i just want to chill and not worry about it.
  - cute postdoc status (i just typed that and looked at it; that’s sad): so i know (and i have been told by a couple of guys that have been ’scorned’ by me) that i have the endearing quality to letting a guy know that i’m not interested in them. i think it’s a combination of anxiety, shyness and obtuseness; i don’t mean to do it on purpose. i actually have to tell myself: smile more! interact more! talk more! last week, i was thinking about giving up because i know i have already given the impression that i’m not interested, but i think he might be still interested (wow. this sounds so high school…) even though he’s leaving in two weeks. i vow to change though, starting with him. now if my anxiety would just go away…. (and i have vegan sweet potato pie + free lunch riding on this; i made a bet with MD)

  okay. happy thanksgiving everyone. i’m out.

  peace.

• Movie of My Life

  Posted: November 21, 2007, 6:49 am by chi

  soundtrak:

  i have another meme to do (which is way deep, btw, j…) and i need to write an actual entry…. but later. for now: i always say my iPod contains the soundtrack to my life…

  Directions:
  If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

  1. Open your mp3 library
  2. Put it on shuffle.
  3. Press Play.
  4. For every question, type the song that’s playing.
  5. When you go to a new question, press the Next button.
  6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool.
  7. Don’t skip songs.

  1. Opening credits: Overjoyed by Stevie Wonder; hmm…

  2. Waking up: Flow by Sade; i don’t think i would wake up so calmly… and i do wake up alone…

  3. First day of school: (Man) The Journey by Nightmares on Wax; i can imagine this as i’m strolling through the halls, greeting people like i’m the school star…

  4. Fight song: Yele by Wycelf Jean; they would play this song right after i punch the guy out…

  5. Breaking up: Survival by Nightmares on Wax; like a mutual breakup maybe…. or i catch him cheating…. “the rest just keeps on surviving”

  6. Happiness: Maybe Next Time by Logistics; i wouldn’t pick this song for happiness, but i tend not to be happy most of the time anyways…

  7. Life’s okay: Mind’s Eye by Nightmares on Wax; yes! lax and chill… life’s okay… i love this song!

  8. Mental breakdown: Runnging Circles by Mingle; serious mental breakdown….

  9. Driving: Baka Play Baka by Baka Beyond; it’s a playful song, like i would be playing cat n’ mouse on the highway

  10. Flashback: My Way Home by Kanye West + Common; this could work…

  11. Getting back together: Bubbles N’ Slide (Nightmares on Wax remix) by Sabres of Paradise; it said not to skip, but i would maybe skip this song… or maybe we would do something fun

  12. Wedding song: Closer by Lemon Jelly; awww, this is cute… just nice, light and breezy… if i ever get married, i hope my wedding would be this way…

  13. Birth of first child: If There Ain’t Nothing by Res; wow… yeah, this song don’t fit…. but i don’t think i would have any kids either… but i would be there for my kids… unlike the song says…

  14. Final battle scene: Between the Lines by Sara Bareilles; my iPod is failing me here…. maybe like slow motion sword fighting or something…

  15. Death scene: Jamacian Farewell by Harry Belafonte; aww… i would be like whispering with my dying breath, “don’t cry for me..”

  16. Funeral song: Sittin’ Back by Res; uhh…. i guess i could make it work..

  17. End credits: In My Place by Coldplay; i hate movies that end with upbeat songs, but dag, this is depressing…

  even i wouldn’t go and watch this movie… maybe wait for it to come out on tv…

  peace.

• Ethical Hustler

  Posted: November 11, 2007, 8:55 am by chi

  soundtrak: the cansecos :: what it was you said

  are you an ethical hustler?

  you know how google ads are; they cater to certain keywords in an entry or, in my case, the email message i had opened. i usually ignore the ads on the side of the screen, but there was something about this ad: how to be an ethical hustler. it was very interesting article, to say the least. and i quote:

  do not be apologetic for who you are.

  for some reason, that sentence has been resonating through my head the whole week, but yet, my ’swagger’ (as one of my friends so lovingly calls it), my confidence that i know what i’m doing with my work, my self and my spirit, has largely diminished. i know what i need to do to get done what i need to get done, but i just don’t have that ‘push’ that my confidence would give me to do it. so i procrastinate. alot (that’s what i seem to be doing alot: cleaning and procrastinating).
  why is confidence waning? over the years, i have learned what my true strengths and weaknesses are. i know i’m a good scientist because i’m a hard worker. i get my stuff done. but right now i’m in an environment where it seems that anything i do isn’t good enough. in the back of my head, i know it’s not me and i know i should remove myself from this environment, but that’s not possible right now. so i have been procrastinating with everything.
  for me, the next step after procrastination, is abandonment. i remember, in school, when i took 21 credits, i was so overwhelmed, i just stopped going to my math class. i never dropped the class but it totally fell off my radar. unfortunately, i had to face the consequences of my abandonment; there is a big ‘w’ on my transcript. i have abandoned projects, ideas, even my friends. currently, i am facing the consequences of one these things that i have abandoned. my lack of confidence is affecting everything i do. i feel like i’m reverting back to my adolescent self. it’s discouraging.

  but what can i do, but pray for confidence that only the Lord can give me. in my head, i know things will work out and be alright; i know i’m gonna get back into school and earn my PhD. i know that it’s going to be hard too (and that’s why i’m going through these trials now, to prepare me for what’s to come). but i’m just in a place where it’s like, “i’ll believe it when i see it.” i’m not sure why.

  but i do want that confidence back. desire is part of the equation. passion is a part of it too. and that is all you need, pretty much, to jump start yourself. my fire isn’t blazing, but the pilot light is still on.

  these words are meant for you
  they bring gifts and truths
  they ask you everything about yourself
  it’s all up to you
  decide what to do
  then bring the things you love in bloom

  peace.

• Surface

  Posted: November 5, 2007, 6:16 pm by chi

  soundtrak: logistics :: haunted by her yesterdays

  sometimes in the morning, i get queasy. my doctor says that it happens to alot of people and i should just push my breakfast back to a later time in the morning. some mornings, i’m fine and others, i’ll be feeling sick for about an hour or two. not feeling too great this morning; i feel tense and i have a small headache.
  it’s cold outside this morning and i have alot of errands to run. i need to buy a coat and some sweaters and gloves. i need to change the oil in my car, so she (my car is totally a she) can run better; the way that gas prices are going, i need efficiency. i need to update my CV and start on my applications.

  the funniest thing about losing weight is what people say. yesterday, at my cousin’s baby shower, i got alot of, “where’s the rest of you?!” or “are you losing weight?” i don’t know; i find it funny. despite the fact that i’m getting healthier, alot of other medical problems are starting to surface. my physical disability wasn’t always so physical, under the layers of fat. getting out of the shower yesterday, i looked in the mirror and it was just… there. it disturbs me. i don’t mind talking about it when people notice the minimal circumstances due to my disability, but the fact that people can really see it… i don’t know. i’m scared to go to the doctor to check it out because i know he’s either going to tell me physical therapy (which is not going to do anything) or surgery. it’s easy to be scared if you’ve never, ever had surgery in your life (and i kind of want to keep it that way). but now i feel weaker somehow, now that you can see it. it’s comparable to alot of the problems i have been dealing with emotionally; i can’t bury them anymore, now that they’re coming up to the surface. i have to deal with them and fix them. i don’t know. i will get it checked out though; i need to use this good insurance while i still have it.

  anyways.
  peace.

• A Husband

  Posted: November 2, 2007, 12:51 am by chi

  soundtrak: pendulum :: still grey

  - so today, AW need some change for a soda. “can i get 50 cents?” he asked me. “and what am i gonna get in return?” i asked. “my undying and unfailing friendship?” “nope, that’s not gonna benefit me.” MD giggled. “okay…. a husband.” i laughed, “now that’s really not gonna benefit me.” everybody laughs.
  - every friday morning, when i get to the security gate, the security guard goes, “how are you my friend? ahhh…. you are smiling… because it’s friday!” i can’t help but laugh and no matter what’s going to go on that day, i feel instantly better about it.
  - i just got paid yesterday, but it doesn’t mean anything. my bills are out of control this month and my student loan found out that i’m currently not in school, so i gotta pay some of that too. i was one of the lucky few to only borrow $5000 (long story; but better compared to the people that borrow $10,000+). al says i should just pay it off, but chi don’t make al money (which is more than double my stipend). anyways, after undergrad and before grad stint #1 (because there will be a grad stint #2), i was able to pay off half. it’s crucial. i know i talked about this before, but i have this fear of debt and money; it completely freaks me out: i try to keep it simple. don’t borrow alot and pay for everything.
  - i won’t be coming into the lab this sunday (much to the postdoc’s… not the cute one.. dismay; and AW, the student, doesn’t work on weekends); instead i’m going to my cousin’s baby shower. i don’t know what’s in the water, but it seems like most of my cousins are having babies.. and it’s making me look bad. the cousin that’s a year younger than me is already married and has two kids. WTF? mom always points this out when we go see her. i’m just preparing myself for this sunday.
  - cute postdoc status: i don’t know. i think i always get like this when i have a crush on someone; i freak out and i sabatoge myself without even realizing. i’m not gonna say what i did, but i have been sabatoging myself. soon, cute postdoc will deem me insane (if he hasn’t already) and keep far away from me until he leaves. i should write up a paper on our whole interactions and publish it.
  - i want to do nanowrimo and i even signed up for it, but there is just too much going on right now. i still have a need to write a story.

  anyways, i’m out. great weekends everyone.

  peace.

• The Visit

  Posted: November 1, 2007, 2:09 am by chi

  soundtrak: daft punk :: too long

  today has been a pretty productive day. i ended up going to gu in the morning to visit with a professor (from another department) that i did a lab rotation with when i was still in the program. she’s a really great person and she does awesome work, but unfortunately, i just wasn’t interested in the work she was doing; i really wanted to go into immuno.
  we talked about a couple of things and she did promise me a recommendation if i needed one. after talking with her, i met up with ames, who’s been studying for midterms and needed a break. she’s one in a million. while trying to withdraw money from the ATM, i decided to check if i had any money on my old student card. imagine my surprise finding $35 on my account. you know they weren’t gonna give me back that money. shoot, i went to town… and you know going to town means i went to the bookstore and i bought some books. ames said that i probably unexpectantly came into money because i generously gave some; you reap what you sow. sweet!
  even though we didn’t spend alot of time together (i had to get back to lab to get some work done), i really treasure the time i did spend with ames. it just took my mind off things a bit.

  cute postdoc (i’m not giving him another name; i like this name) and i are wearing the same color shirt today; light green. i would note the similarity, but i think he already thinks i’m crazy. he’s very shy though and keeps to himself. Mic, who called last night, is trying to encourage me to draw him out; what would be the harm. i don’t know; i’m kinda shy myself. we’ll see.

  after running for trains and shuttles today (which i don’t miss at all) and then jumping on work as soon as i walked in the door, i’m exhausted. i don’t celebrate halloween, so it’s gonna be a quiet night. which is good since i gotta work out tomorrow morning. ugh!

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes