Delusions of Grandeur

• Better

  Posted: October 30, 2007, 6:26 pm by chi

  soundtrak: regina spektor :: us

  yesterday actually ended up being a better day than i though it would be. when i came in the morning, my sinuses were congested due to the cold weather (which just came out of nowhere by the way). i checked my yemail after trying to settle down somewhat and found an email from my disgruntled advisor telling me that i had been procrastinating on the things that i needed to do. that kind of hit me hard because i know i have a serious procrastination problem that only gets worse when i get extremely stressed. i could feel the tears just coming, but i told myself that crying about it wasn’t going to help the situation. i started praying out of desperation, “Lord, just please make this day not suck.” i emailed my other advisor to see if i could meet with him that day, and i know i caught him at a good time because his schedule was free for me to meet him in the afternoon. AW was late with the mice, so i started my experiment way later than i wanted to, but somehow i finished in enough time to prepare for my meeting.
  i feel like i’m at a point that i don’t know what to do or what to say. i’m trying to prepare a poster for a meeting in december, our lab is up for review in december, most grad school apps are due in mid-december/january and i’m overwhelmed. i’ve been sort of mute about it, but i was able to express my concerns with my advisor which just helped me feel better about the things that are going on right now. i just need some reassurance that i’m making the right decisions at the right times. we came up with a tentative gameplan that i feel comfortable with.

  also, i think i talked to cute postdoc more yesterday that i have all year. i don’t know; i was in a mood i guess, so i wasn’t as nervous as i usually get. i asked him a question in the morning about a kit for this experiment i want to try. then we had this strange thing going back and forth between us all day; he came up and asked me a question, then an hour later, i would ask him a question, and so on. i listen to my iPod when working since i don’t really like listening to other people’s conversations and it helps me concentrate. it was funny; everytime he came to ask me a question, he would just stand in front of me and i would look up and there he was. at the end of the day, we were the only two people left in lab (now that i think about it, i hope we were the only two people left), as our bosses have gone on a retreat. i usually make sure things are locked up (since last year, when our mac just straight up got stolen…. i mean it was a G4… who does that?), but then i saw him and i said goodnight. i don’t know; i just find the whole dynamic interesting.

  i had a good workout this morning. mr. f has me doing different chest and shoulder exercises this week that are really straining my disabled arm. i know i should go to physical therapy for it, but i still have my reservations about it. the running is coming along better. this morning’s run was rough because half way through it, i really wanted to quit, but i did my full 30 min and my endurance is really coming back, so i’m really excited about it. i’m still aiming for my goal at my cousin’s wedding at the end of the year.
  it was funny actually because i went to my cousin’s wedding shower this sunday and i didn’t realize that i haven’t seen them both in about a year, so when i walked through the door, my aunt exclaimed, “what happened to the rest of you?!” i can see the changes happening and it is exciting.

  i have been really lagging on D.O.G.; there’s a new wordpress available that i haven’t installed yet. i haven’t changed the radio.blog yet (but you can see my updated iTunes purchases…. and i have been purchasing) and i have started on any books. i quess it’s ok since my advisor recommened that i probably take the GRE Bio test, so i have to study for that real quick. man, i don’t miss studying at all.

  and last of all, thank you for all the kind comments. it’s always good to remember that sometimes everyone has a rough day. new B emailed me yesterday; i didn’t get into detail about school and everything, but i think he realized that i was having a tough time: Sounds like life is not treating you well at present. Don’t worry…we ALL have one of those days or weeks or even months in our life. Things have ways to work themselves out….just be patient. (and you know it’s feeling like a rough couple of months). i’m just glad to know that things will and are getting better.

  something funny my friend sent my way; i’m still laughing:

  peace.

• why do i keep on messing up? ...

  Posted: October 29, 2007, 5:34 pm by chi

  why do i keep on messing up?

  this is frustrating.

  more later.

  peace

• The Power of Thinking

  Posted: October 24, 2007, 6:55 pm by chi

  soundtrak: kanye west :: everything i am

  - i’ve been sort of out of it lately. i don’t know if it’s because i’m working hard (and i need to; i have alot of crap to do), but i just don’t have an emotion in particular. i’m just here.
  - MD is better talking to cute postdoc than i am. i dissolve into a giggling mess; it’s not my fault that everytime MD and i have an encounter with him, she’s always being funny. i don’t know; it’s like this force field thing, whenever he asks me a question or something, my mind goes blank and i get that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. *sigh*. anyways, like most of the postdocs here, cute postdoc is from overseas and unfortunately, he’s leaving at the end of the year. ahh well… it’ll be nice while it lasts.
  - my vacation was okay. i mostly slept, watched tv and movies and read a couple of books. i think i had to reset my body clock. not that i haven’t been sleeping well, but i mostly sleep because i have to… kind of like the same way one recharges a battery… you gotta do it for the battery to work. but you know how if you recharge a battery before you run it out, you shorten the battery life? that’s how i was feeling before vacation. i would sleep, but i wasn’t really getting the rest that i needed and i was running out of power daily.
  - one day, i went to the bookstore and i found this book, The Five Rules of Thought. i don’t usually take these things seriously, but i cracked the book open. The first rule basically says that one should focus on their desires and an unfocused thoughts usually lead to not only wasting your time and energy, but wasting other people’s time and energy. i know that i have been unfocused for the past couple of weeks months and i really need to focus on what i need to do. i’m tired of wasting time spinning my wheels.
  - i also looked through the book, The Law of Attraction. i’m skeptical about that too, but he made a couple of good points, including how statements, positive and negative, affect not only ourselves, but others around us. he recommends that we don’t use the words, can’t, won’t, don’t and no, because we tend to focus on the word that follows the negative word. for example: don’t panic (and you know in the movies, people automatically start panicking). instead, change the statement to be neutral, if not postive. so instead of don’t panic, stay calm. of course, that entails really thinking about what you’re going to say before you say it, but i could see how it could have a positive effect. i have been still feeling down about just getting my masters; it feels like a really expensive consolation prize. but because i’m seeing the situation that way, it’s been hard for me to focus on actually moving on.
  - i’m really excited because my running is getting better, since i got sick. my weight loss has sort of stalled, which i think was mostly due to my diet (of mostly cocoa puffs and pops… the best sugary combo in the world) and my workout time, which decreased from 6 days a week to 3-4. but i revamped the diet; i went to the store and let me tell you, it was hard avoiding the sugar. but now i’m starting to see how my mood has been affecting my behavior (depressed leading to eating sugar to craving sugar to eating more sugar). i’m glad that things are really just getting better.

  ok. back to work.

  peace.

• The Grind

  Posted: October 9, 2007, 6:18 pm by chi

  soundtrak: supersystem :: not the concept/ cynatific :: quiet star

  - so i did say something to the cute postdoc friday morning. he must think i’m arrogant; sometimes i come off that way to people, when in reality, i’m really shy. my friends often introduce me as this off-the-wall character, but when i timidly say hello, they get disappointed. it just takes me awhile to work up to “off-the-wall”; just give me time.
  - i don’t want to talk about this lab situation right now, but it just got funkier.
  - last thursday was MD’s birthday, so we went to cheese.cake to celebrate. waiting for our food, we started talking about prophetic dreams. usually, i’ll have deja-vu dreams; dreams that i don’t understand until i see the same scene replay before my eyes. MD has symbolic dreams and she knows what they mean when she has them. she shared with me that she dreamed that i would be kicked out of my program before i started even having any extensive problems. she said she saw my appeal with a ‘rejected’ stamp on the top. she was too scared to tell me, but when i came back from that fateful meeting depressed, she already knew what happened. that’s kinda scary.
  - also last thursday, i went with massander and his cousin to Bodies: The Exhibition. it was really interesting and even though i have taken many courses on the human body and it’s systems, i was still amazed. the human body is wonderful thing. we are fearfully and wonderfully made. i’m glad that i took the time to go. driving through city traffic however, was another story. just stab me in the eye already.
  - just four more days until vacation. i have no idea where i’m going yet, but by golly, i’m going somewhere.
  - this weekend was pretty okay. i didn’t do much; just slept alot. i went to the store on monday to stock up on some things. i’m starting a new regime, so i’ll see how that turns out in december. at the mall, somebody side-swiped my car; i’m still pissed.
  - i had the day off on sunday from the gym, but i was on today. it was a little rough, but i made it through. going easy on the cardio, on the crosstrainer, i watched these two girls on the treadmil just running. and i do mean running, like 6.0 mph. man, i so want to do that, i envied them. my running has been lagging lately, mostly because i don’t work out on my off-lifting days and days that i do lift, i’m often too fatigued to run. i’m getting back to where i was before i got severly sick though, so that’s good. the lifting is doing me good too. i have already gone down a dress size in about three weeks; you can definetly tell the difference before i started lifting. the only set back is that with the gain of muscle, the needle stops on the scale. i’m hovering and it’s driving me insane. i feel like i’m eating wrong/too much (vegan pastries and vegan ice cream are horrible; sugar is just evil; but i know the increased hunger is due to the lifting) and i retool my diet daily. the one thing that i used to measure success is gone. i’m aiming for 8; i started at 24 and i’m down to 12/14. i have about 30-50 to go (which is small considering 130) my cousin’s wedding is on new year’s eve is my goal. my no-hassle deadline is my birthday. i know if i press on, i can do it. sorry about all this weight talk. i have to motivate myself somehow.

  and i guess that’s all for now.

• A New Day

  Posted: October 1, 2007, 7:33 pm by chi

  soundtrak: kanye west :: all falls down

  - and i’m moving on. new day, new week, new month. just got paid. it’s all good.
  - i have been reading slow lately, but i’m still enjoying ultramarathon man by dean karnazes. when i stopped reading, i was at the part where he was running his first 100 mile western states marathon. everything that he went through in just 21 hours and he finished it. he comments on the experience:

  everything took on new meaning. my demeanor grew more carefree, as if the important things in life had become clearer. my outlook became more expansive; my shortcomings less significant.

  and i felt inspired. i was really feeling sorry for myself this past month, but i need to keep the faith and look past my shortcomings. i need to try. i need to risk. i need to strive to do more. i have a meeting with my ex-advisor (as she’s the advisor for the graduate program i left) tomorrow. i really appreciate her time and input on my situation; since i was one of the first ones in the program and she really worked with me closely finding a lab and taking care of school problems. i have some ideas of where i want to apply, one of them being boston. i was really hesitant about it, despite the fact that alot of the work that i’m doing here is being done up there. and i really don’t like cold. but reading and marinating this weekend, i decided that i don’t really have anything to lose and i have to at least try.
  - but not only with school, but with my life. i need to do more. live more. there are so many things that i want to try, but i kind of just brush off: i don’t have time, i don’t have money, the situation makes me anxious. mom was telling me the other day as i was complaing about how unsure i was about where i was going on vacation, “just spend it woman!” i don’t know; i’m an overt worrier. i always have the worst case scenario in mind. it’s hard to let go. i wish i could say, i’m just gonna do it, but it’s easier said that done. we’ll see.
  - i feel good about this month. my friends and i used to call october ‘hell month’ because it’s the month of midterms. this october: no midterms and vacation in two weeks.
  - i think i’m going to do this; i have the perfect story for the submission and it’s amazing how i can already see the flow of the story in my head. also it’s due next sunday, but i think can pull it off.
  - i really caught this in the middle and i don’t know where i was went they said that clarence thomas was going to be on 60 minutes. but on the site, you can watch the interview (or read it). it was interesting to say the least. i don’t want to get into my stance about affirmative action and the man himself, but be informed.
  - chiiq.com update: will update music and bookshelf soon. i just added the iTunes widget because it’s better than me relisting all the awesome albums i’ve been buying. and i tend to buy songs as singles. so yeah check that out.

  here’s to a better day, week, month. cheers.

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes