Delusions of Grandeur

• Prep Time

  Posted: September 28, 2007, 12:01 am by chi

  soundtrak: london elektricity :: do you believe

  anybody that knows me knows that i’m a neat and meticulous person. maybe it’s just some control issues i have, but if i’m planning something, doing something or taking part in something, i have to know what’s going on and when and things have to be prepared. when i’m running an experiment, i like to have things prepared (labelled tubes, already made reagents) at least 2 hours before i run it. of course, some experiments don’t always work out this way. life doesn’t work out this way.

  i was watching tv last night, thinking about wednesday; if i only had a little bit of prep time, i would not be suffering from delayed onset heartache, when my cell rang. of course, it was in my messenger bag and i though it was a text message, but when the ring repeated, i searched for it. i missed the call.

  of all the people to call. at a time like this: B. all this time i had resisted the urge to call him myself and this fool finally picks up the phone to call. i called him back because i knew that he would continue to harass me over the course of several days until he reached me. we talked for awhile; he works closer to me now. he explained why he missed P and sol’s weddings.
  “i want to see you,” he finally confessed over the phone.
  “i don’t think that’s a good idea.” it’s never a good idea. B. starts out nice and loving, but then his needs comes out. he needs your acceptance, your time, your attention, even if he starts to act like an ass.
  “so i guess i’ll call you later then.” i didn’t say anything; not a yes or no. i wonder if i’ll pick up the phone next time. this week totally sucks.

  peace.

• Ghosts

  Posted: September 27, 2007, 7:22 pm by chi

  soundtrak: feist :: how my heart behaves

  this week at work is festival; everybody gets to present their work through a poster presentation (which i did) or symposia (which i don’t think i’ll ever be ready for).
  MD and i were presenting posters this year, so after we practiced for a little bit in lab (it was her first poster and my 5th poster presentation), we took the shuttle over to the conference center where the presentations were being held. looking out the window, i saw a ghost. i have yet to go into mr. unattainable here (eventually, i will), but let’s just say i was not expecting to see this guy at all. seriously, i was more worried that cute postdoc (who i still haven’t talked to yet; i’m working on it…) would come up to my poster and i would freeze up.
  “MD, look!” i pointed out the window and moaned.
  “you didn’t know he was presenting a poster,” she asked me, amused.
  “i looked him up, but i didn’t see his name.” (i do have the stalker mentality, ladies and gentlemen). i moaned again, “i cannot do this today.”

  we eventually found out where we needed to set up our posters and unfortunately, it was in alphabetical order. mr. unattainable and i have last names starting with the same two (TWO!) letters. we almost have the same initials, it’s kinda creepy. MD came to help me hang my poster when we ran into him.
  “hey,” he brightened.
  “hi,” i smiled, but looked down. i resisted the urge to give him a hug, “you’re presenting a poster too?”
  “yeah, i’m just getting some water,” he stared.
  “i’m going to put mine up. just trying to find out where.”
  “you’re right next to me. alphabetical order.” (thanks genius!)
  *pause*
  “um… i’ll see you then,” i start walking.
  geez. i feel like fainting. MD is laughing.
  “if cute postdoc (i need to give him a name) comes, i’m gonna cry,” i can’t stop moaning, “MD don’t tell him to come over here!” MD just laughs.

  mr. unattainable comes back and all three of us are staring at my poster.
  “i made the font too big; you can see it a mile away,” i feel the need to say something. mr. unattainable just nods. MD leaves, “i’ll leave you guys to it.” i give her a desperate look and she flips me a wave. ugh! we stand in silence some more, both reading my poster. the thing i enjoy the most about friends is that we can sit or be in each other company in complete silence and be completely comfortable with it. with mr. unattainable however, our silence is uncomfortable. i can barely stand it. and the fact that he always stands too close to me. not that i mind so much, but it always unravels me.
  “um, how’s life going?” i take a step back and move to the other end of my poster. where is my water? he goes into the papers he’s writing for publication and i’m jealous.
  “looks like the honeymoon’s over,” i joked (i will go into detail about that later). he gives me a look and i bite my tongue. why is this hard?
  “um… show me your poster,” i urge him and we walk (shift?) over to his poster. i read and he tells me about his work. he’s standing too close again, but i let him. we stand in silence reading over his poster and more people being to stand around. the presentations have begun. there’s a guy that looks interested in his work, so i give a brief smile and stand in front of my poster.

  i keep mostly to myself after that, talking with people and taking suggestions. AW, abbs and dr. a pass through. cute postdoc never comes and i’m glad. i don’t think i could stand it; it feels like my heart might burst. eventually i walk around and look at other posters. the session starts to wind down. i roll up my poster before he does, but he ends up leaving before i do.
  “i’m going chi,” he says. i can feel him staring.
  “hopefully i’ll see you around,” i gain the courage to look up and our eyes meet. it feels like eternity, but it’s only a moment.
  “hopefully.”

  and my heart aches just a little bit less today. hmm. anyways. talking about ghosts, i was on my way back to lab yesterday and i ran into another familiar face.
  “JM?” i was hoping i was right. i was. i was going to say “do you remember me” but i do have a very recognizable face. JM was mic’s friend from college and we were all working in the same program like 3 years ago. mic and JM went off to med school and i went off to grad school. he’s back to do a clinical for a year, but it was really good seeing him. hopefully we’ll hang out soon.

  ghosts can be good and bad, it seems.

  peace.

• End of the World

  Posted: September 25, 2007, 5:20 pm by chi

  “How does it feel,” he asked.
  “Like my life has been ripped right under me,” I looked up at him and he gazed at me with sad eyes. He looked helpless, which made him awkward. He brought his hand up to pat my back, only making him seem even more awkward.
  “I’m sorry,” he offered.
  “It’s okay,” it was my standard answer, but I could feel the tears welling up in the back of my eyes. At this point, I was tired of crying, but the tears still managed to come anyway.
  I didn’t want him to see me cry, but I was crying. It seemed like everything was out of control, even my body. The tears slipped out and I bent my head forward to cover them. He scooted up and I let my head fall on his shoulder. His awkwardness disappeared, his hands rubbing soothing circles on my back. Through my stopped-up nose, he smelled like Old Spice, old men’s cologne, despite the fact that we were both young.
  In the crook of his arm (so I could breathe), I tried to think how I could get out of this situation that my emotions had landed me into. I always hated this position even though I found myself here many times. I always needed something from them, demanded their time and comfort, while I gave nothing in return. This guilt always came to me at this moment, just when I needed them the most.
  With unfinished tears, I pulled back, his hands resting at the base of my neck. I dared to look up: sad eyes. I know I probably looked pretty pathetic myself.
  “Don’t be sad,” I said.
  “Aren’t you sad?” he asked.
  “I’m past sad, I think.” he smirked, his lips pressed together, curving at the ends. I stifled back a laugh; my conflicting emotions.

• (Who Gives a) Damn

  Posted: September 24, 2007, 6:35 pm by chi

  soundtrak: logistics :: maybe next time

  - i have found that i currently cannot write in paragraphs, but in lists. my thoughts are too jumbled for paragraphs, but at least i’m writing, right?
  - i’m irritated today. it’s like a cycle; one day is good, the next day, i’m pissed off. actually, at church this weekend, i was accosted by MB, who will come up in the middle of a conversation that i’m having with someone, and hug me. he already knows that i hate his guts and i don’t want him to touch me (i have told him this) and how rude it is for him to interrupt my conversations. anyways, yesterday, i was talking to an old family friend who was visiting and here this fool comes around, i see him in the corner of my eye. he comes for a hug, but i push him away and say, “i’m not giving you a hug.” but still he insists by pressing closer and i’m so glad i’ve been lifting because that brother is naturally strong. i was peeved because i already said no and he still didn’t get it. so then violent chi came out and i said in the house of the Lord (God forgive me), “if you touch me again, i’m gonna stab you with these keys.” old family friend was looking at me strange; i wasn’t always a violent person. but i mean, geez, get a life and get a clue, wtf?
  - i guess it’s a good thing that i feel like writing since NaNoWriMo is a month away. i do have a pretty clear idea of a novel in my head and i’m excited about it. usually, i’m a reader, reading about 5-6 books a month, but i’ve been lagging and i know it’s because my brain is telling me that i should be writing. i don’t know if it’s necessarily going to be a good time since i have another conference in december that i have to prepare for, but i’ll try my best.
  - i have been managing my money through mint.com, which is this neat free online management system. the thing i like the best about it is seeing my spending trends based on category. i realize that i spend alot of money on food, even though i don’t eat alot of it. i go to giant alot, which was disconcerting to me. not that i buy crap, but, dag, i go to giant alot. and tar.get. so this month has been good with the spending, as i have decreased my visits. but i realized last night, as i was looking at my updated information, i have this fear of money. an unhealthy fear of money. i know there are things i need, but i will avoid buying because i don’t want to be in debt. i always pay off my credit card (i only use one now) every month, which is not bad, but i noticed that i always need to pay off everything. like the semester when i had to pay for classes out of pocket, which was about $7000. mom insisted that i get a loan, but i refused. i had enough money to pay for it out of savings, so i did. the same with the late taxes and penalties; i paid it all. in general, i’m a pretty good saver; i have several savings accounts. i mean, it’s great because i’m not thinking about those expenses anymore (as in having to pay off the loan if i got one), but that money is gone. i could have saved it and gotten some interest out of it. but i know i wasn’t thinking about that because of this fear of money i have. i know where the root of this problem comes from though, even if i choose not to discuss it here. i’m trying to sit down and to make some goals based on the spending trends i’m seeing, even for this last week in september, as i only get paid once a month. but i feel so overwhelmed; i feel like i should just be a hermit and not spend any money. it’s kind of freaking me out.
  - i have recently discovered that i attract nerdy white guys. i don’t know why, don’t ask me why, but i do. not like there’s anything wrong with that (ha! sinf.eld!), i just find it a little odd. what’s the attracting factor? and how can i get a free meal out of that?

  ok. i’m done for now.

  peace.

• Hired Help

  Posted: September 22, 2007, 2:41 am by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: flip ya lid

  - so it’s 520 on a friday afternoon and i’m still at work. there is no real reason why…. sometimes i think i like to torture myself. everybody else already left for the weekend.
  - so i went to go see my other counselor yesterday (yeah, i have two counselors… i don’t know if i really wanted to admit that here, but the time was coming) and she basically told me i needed a vacation. my inital counselor has already told me this, but she wasn’t as persistent at this one. she made me pick a week in october and a place to go (NYC). in reality, i’m only going so i can get some sleep in peace (i cannot sleep overtime at home without my parents asking me why i’m so lazy; i need to get out of the house). she told me that working without a break has probably caused my ‘lost’ feeling. it was amazing because i would have never been able to make that connection on my own. she also told me (well, more demanded because i do have a follow up appointment with her next week so she can check to see if i did indeed ask for time off) to ask dr. a today before lab meeting. i thought that it was going to be a hard thing and i was going to get some flack for it, but i guess everybody’s been noticing how hard i’ve been working (even though to me, it never feels like i’m working hard enough) and she just said okay. now it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and i feel just a little bit more motivated.
  - my counselor also told me that, in order to avoid the ‘i-need-to-leave-MD-right-now’ feeling, i need more ‘chi’ time, which surprisingly, i hardly ever have time for. i do like my job, so i like to work. i come in early, work, help people out, go home and do chores, clean the house, help my family out. by the time you come to me, i’m done. “you’re like a single mother without the children,” she told me. seriously? i don’t know. i always think, “if i work hard enough, then the reward will come.” but i think i don’t know what the reward is anymore. i seriously don’t know what fun is anymore. it’s sad. of course, you’re thinking, “duh, just get out of the house.” but it’s like i’m used to having no life and i’m not quite sure how (or i’m too scared) to change that.
  - i don’t know why it’s so hard for me to find the joy in things. i don’t know if i’m saying that right… to find the joy in having a successful experiment or even as simple as a beautiful day (like today, which i’m so not enjoying because i’m still in lab) or as monumental as earning my masters or losing 130 pounds. maybe it’s because i just don’t think i’m good enough; i’m never good enough. trust me, it used to be much worse. even though things are getting better, i still feel that way. i feel like i’m just getting by; i’m not amazing. i’m not okay with it (because clearly, it bothers me), but i don’t know how to change that either.
  - as for the impromtu list that i created in my last entry, i have crossed some of them off the list: i’m working longer hours (most definetly), i’m going on vacation, i’m cutting back on the tv (no reruns… except the simpsons and family guy… i gotta laugh), i’m working on the writing. the only things i haven’t even attempted are eating more veggies (but they’re in the freezer just waiting for me… they are) and talking to the cute postdoc. i’m practicing on everybody (do you know how hard that is?), but for the life of me, i cannot talk to this guy. usually we’re the first ones in, in the morning. i was going to do it this morning because it’s friday and then i don’t have to see the fool for the next two days. but i don’t know; i was in a funk and it wasn’t happening. i’m gonna do it y’all! i am!

  okay. i’m aiming for 6pm. have a good weekend everyone.

  peace.

• It’s Your My World

  Posted: September 18, 2007, 5:44 pm by chi

  soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: damn

  - i have been irritated lately. people in lab (again) and my experiments are not working out the way i want them to. i haven’t been doing anything about the school situation and i haven’t recieved my official degree yet, so i feel like i’m in a holding pattern. and i hate being in a holding pattern. last week with my counselor, at the end of the session, i ended up crying. “why are you crying now?” she asked me. basically i spent an hour just talking about nothing. but i know i’m good at that; avoiding the problem and not talking about it. and you know when that happens, i start to clean. and i’ve been cleaning alot. and on a saturday night. that’s just sad.
  - sometimes, i just miss going to school. just taking the metro and meeting up with classmates. i know that part of my life is gone now and i’m not looking back, but just even sitting on the train and talking with whm, i miss. that sounds pathetic doesn’t it, missing school.
  - i met up with CB and naj this weekend for one of our friend’s weddings. it was just strange; i don’t know if it’s because we’re getting older. i pulled my hamstring last week, so CB ended up driving. telling me about her future plans to move to N.C. with her current boyfriend, just months after coming back from living in Hawaii with another boyfriend for two years (this woman remembers events based on which boyfriend she was with at the time), i started to envy her. “i envy you for getting two degrees,” she told me, “i feel like i’m going nowhere.” i wish i told her how much i wished i could be like her, just get up and go places or even be in relationships. i feel more stuck that her. but i know that’s why i appreciate her friendship; she gets me out of my box.
  - so i have decided that i can’t wait for things to change for me, i gotta change things for myself. i need to try new things. i need to work more effectively (and longer hours maybe). i need to eat more veggies. i need to stop watching so much daggone tv (and right during premier month; i have great timing). i need to write more. i need to talk to the cute postdoc down the way and ask him how his day is going. i need to take a real vacation, even if it’s by myself, somewhere not in the state of maryland. of course, everything is easier said that done as i have not done anything that i have listed yet. but i’m working on it.
  - i’m still trying to get over that sickness that i had about two weeks ago. the side effects are getting better; i’m coughing less and there is less mucus production. this time, sickness has really affected my workouts. i was going everyday before and making considerable progress, but now i’m just going about three days a week, the days that i go with mom and the family friend, who is helping me with weight lifting. because of my disability, i have very weak muscles which prevents me from lifting on my own. in order to build strength, i need alot of guidance and help. that’s my next main goal, but i also need to get back on the running.

  anyways, it’s a brand new day. let’s get it started.

  peace.

• Say It Right

  Posted: September 16, 2007, 7:37 am by chi

  soundtrak: mingle :: anybody’s answer

  (coming back with a real entry sometime soon)

  T: your pushing me, you really are :’(
  :’(
  me: but of course, i know you weren’t thinking that
  T: goodbye digital world, I guess I’m just too analog
  me: you are so ghetto
  how much time do you have left at work today?
  T: eternity
  :’(
  whaaaaaaa - haaaa -haa :”(
  :’(
  me: realistically now
  T: a hour
  me: HA!
  i’m done now
  T: double ha!
  =/
  me: i’m just hanging out, talking to you
  T: exciting
  me: but my legs are on fire. too many squats and lunges… my leg muscles are spazing
  doing anything with you is exciting, T
  i’m surprised you didn’t realize that
  lol
  you’re the man
  T: ok, what do you want and how much is it going to cost me
  ?
  
  me: and i can tell from your rapid responses that your arm muscles must be getting bigger and stronger too
  lol
  (i was reading this article about what compliments guys like to hear and what compliments boost their self esteems… one was mentioning arm muscle size… lol)
  it’s all good homie
  T: oh brother
  what was that in … Vogue?
  me: yahoo
  yahoo.com
  T: just as bad
  me: it was an actual scientific study
  T: when I hear that from women I’m like
  mmmhhhmmm
  that’s what I think
  when I hear that
  Like “No I am not buyin you a drink”
  me: oh please… you know you like it
  lol
  so you really haven’t been working out?
  T: I have but still
  that’s something women usually don’t say to your face
  me: like what?
  T: usally they discuss that with their friends.
  not the male who has bigger rms
  arms
  me: lol
  my friend says that maybe that’s something that women don’t say to your face
  and then we laughed
  like maybe the women in the club laugh at you
  i’m just saying
  you can admit it
  T: ha!

• Retreat

  Posted: September 8, 2007, 1:48 am by chi

  soundtrak: logisitics :: maybe next time

  - i’ve been really busy the past two weeks. i just came back from the graduate student retreat (even though i’m not a grad student currently) to which i was preparing a poster to present. everything was going fine until the friday before labor day weekend, when al brought home this horrendous flu thing. dad and i ended up being sick labor day weekend and most of last week, which sucked for me because i was still working on my retreat poster. i was going into lab with fever, trying to finish this thing.
  - by the time i left on thursday, i was feeling much better, but was on my second case of laryngitis (yes, second case as in i lost my voice, it came back and then i lost it again). you can imagine the icebreakers and the poster session. we were only there (near the MD/W.VA border) for about 2-1/2 days, but i am feeling much better. i got to interact with alot of the other graduate students that work where i work and made some new friends. i guess it just feels good to be part of a bigger, supportive community. i feel very lucky and blessed.
  - talking about school, i told some of my former program-mates that i wasn’t in our joint program anymore, especially the new student that we accepted this year (to whom i interviewed with and met personally). things just don’t work out sometimes, but i know that everybody (not just me) is learning from my situation and hopefully things will work out better for everyone else in that program. one of the guys (he’s a second year that rode up with aabs and i) insisted that i still come out to social events, which i appreciate. i don’t feel so ‘dumped’.
  - also about school, hopefully this week, i should be meeting with all the important players so far to figure out a gameplan of what i need to do next, where i should apply and when and funding issues. i’m kind of scared, but i know it’s because i’m naturally afraid of change. but change can be a good thing and i’m praying that only good positive things will happen in the future.
  - because i’ve been sick, i haven’t really been working out, but they gave us some free time yesterday and i went to the gym there. wow. with that and the fact that they really didn’t have any vegan entrees at this place, i think i’ve busted my rut (which is good) and my plateau.
  - i guess this was really a retreat because i didn’t have internet access and low/no cell signal. i was dying up there, but i really needed to take a mental break from everything (even the state of MD). dr. a thought i was only going to stay a day, but i really needed the whole time up there.

  anyways, that’s all for now. gotta unpack and rest.
  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes