Delusions of Grandeur

• Welcome Back, Kotter

  Posted: September 23, 2010, 8:52 pm by chi

  soundtrak: Passion Pit :: The Reeling

  i figure i should write something in this blog since i am paying for this space. and i’m not one to waste money, especially now that i’m unemployed (still! 4 months and counting).

  anyways, the world of unemployment has been a weird ride for me. anybody that knows me knows that i’m all about work. that’s my thing, that’s what i’m good at. but now i’ve been trying to figure out if maybe i need to do something else. my love affair with science has been off and on, but when it’s good, it’s fantastic. when it’s bad, it makes me feel like it’s my fault. is this an abusive relationship? but it’s hard to explain to people the joy that i feel when i prepare those samples for a gel and run it and KNOW what i’m going to get. the power that’s in that; i could do it for the rest of my life. but the market here is picky and abusive; they expect so much for so little. it’s sad. but i’m still searching, still applying for that position that will make me feel the same as i did on the first day i did my internship. is this happiness that elusive?

  i’m also trying to figure out what else to do with my time. after a month of watching Bravo (do you know how many shows that channel has alone? and why are they all addicting?!), it started to get tired fast. well, i’ll say it was good that i was already planning on visiting family in Kenya before getting fired being let go (only because ‘fired’ is so harsh of a word and i feel like … well, i guess in the end it doesn’t really matter what i feel, right?). Kenya was like a whole other world. people here in the states work to the point of death (literally!), while things are more lax over there. of course, there are other problems (such as … wait for it… the unemployment rate), but people do get by. right now, my family is trying to convince me to go and work over there. mom is already making plans for me before i’ve even looked (“you’ll get a maid and a husband!”). of course, don’t get me wrong, i’m perusing all available channels of employment to me, but there are other circumstances (which i choose not to divulge into at this time), that make me a bit hesitant. but that’s always been my problem; i’m a worst case scenario kinda girl.

  anyways… ok, enough about this job talk. despite this, i am super blessed. i have a supportive family, i’m still getting unemployment and i’m not a big spender in general (worst case scenario mindness does have it’s benefits…).

  - this week passing was Y’s birthday. i’ve been struggling for the past couple of months if i should try to contact him again (the last time i heard from him, he texted (texted!) me a happy birthday). jan says that i should give him a chance, that i’m too harsh when it comes to my expectations of people sometimes. but then i talked with my older friend, S (of S & S fame), who basically called him a man ho (which he basically is… which, always springs up in my mind the song All the Girls by Wyclef Jean). but S is right and this was something that i knew all along. the facts were always there: he lied to me, he was rude to my friends and i, and most of my friends (jan excluded) plus mom really didn’t like him that much. i mourn for the times that we would have deep conversations but now i realize that is gone now. it seems kinda final, but why am i trying to force something that can’t work right now? i don’t know five years down the line, but for now, it’s best this way.
  - you would think that now that i have all this ‘free’ time, i would have been a professional athlete by now, being able to work out everyday. but alas, no; unemployment apparently makes you lazy. no, i’m lying. i’m just unmotivated to make a 3x a week habit into 6. thus, i have gained the unemployment 20 (kind of like the freshman 15; i really did walk alot in lab!) it’s terrible and i know the only way that i can combat this is by working out more. i need to improve my running; i feel like i’m stuck at running 5mph for 10 minutes. i need to build my endurance and speed.
  - also, i want to start working on these book ideas (i have more than one!) that i have floating around in my head. i keep on having the dream where i’m on the today show and matt lauer is trying to ask me hard hitting questions and i just smile and give very snarky remarks because in reality, i hate matt lauer… can’t stand him… then i’m thinking (in my dream!) why my agent would set me up to be on the today show when i enjoy good morning america more… yeah, i also had a dream where i was waiting for an elevator with the cast of 30 rock, so don’t judge my dreams! anyways, so what promotes writing? why writing in this here blog of mine, which i know i haven’t been doing. i’ve been twittering alot (@chiiq; check it out!) and i even got myself a tumblr (chiiq.tumblr.com; check it out… also…), but it’s just not the same as blogging. look, i’m old and i know what blogging is, so leave me to my dementia, okay. i haven’t been exactly keeping a (paper) journal either, which i know is bad for me. i’m not using the mechanisms to decompress and analyze my thoughts… i’ve mostly been watching Bravo… sue me. but i’m aiming on being better. my blog has been based more on my life events (because who wouldn’t want to have my life, am i right? anyone?) than topical, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have opinions! i just tend to keep them to myself; i’m more of an observer. anyways… what was i saying… yes, i hope to blog more in the future. i know i keep on saying that, then i disappear for 2-3 months, but i’m going to make a conscious effort to write something here daily… because in the end, i am paying for it… am i right? can i get a (virtual) hi-five?

  peace.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes