Cock And Bull

• Giving As You Gave Before The Hurt Occurred

  Posted: September 28, 2011, 1:21 pm by Administrator

  Yesterday, I came across a phrase that talked about forgiveness and defined it as ‘giving as you gave before the hurt occurred’. When I looked at it, it made it seem like forgiveness if such a difficult thing to achieve, and is probably the reason why we still harbor a lot of resentment towards people, places, situations and thing. If forgiveness is ‘giving as you gave before the hurt occurred’, then I can assure you that I have to start working on my forgiveness all over again.

  And why is that? Because in most cases, we assume that forgiveness is going about our business as if nothing happened. If someone hurt me and I decided to ‘forgive’ him, it would mean that I would make an effort to say hi and be courteous if I met them and I can even bear to be around them, albeit cautiously. I would ensure that my vibe leaves no doubt that that I don’t completely approve of them, plus of course – and probably most importantly – they would be cut off from the privileges that they abused. We wouldn’t want them to make the same mistake again. Now, would we? Having said that, it seems like I really am in the category of people who have no idea what forgiveness is, or at best, in the ‘forgive and not forget’ bracket.

  But ‘giving as you gave before the hurt occurred’ means that I should be able to give them access to my heart again, even if they walked all over it. It means that I should be able to trust them again, despite the fact that they betrayed it before. That I should lend them money, despite the fact that they never paid. That I should relax in their presence despite the fact that they made my life uncomfortable. Can I really do that?

  But even as I think about that, I wonder about what it would mean when I forgive myself. When I am ‘giving as you gave before the hurt occurred’ to myself. That would mean that I will allow myself to try again even though I messed up when I gave myself the chance before. That I will allow myself to dream again even though I blew away all the dreams I had before. That I will give myself love and joy and happiness and all the other good things that come with life despite the fact that I never was really good at it.

  I guess ‘giving as you gave before the hurt occurred’ means allowing myself a second chance for each and everything that I forgive myself for. When will I do that?

• My Two Brothers

  Posted: September 26, 2011, 3:05 pm by Administrator

  I cannot help but remember how it was this time last year for our family. Our brother Harun was slowly wasting away in disease, and we all knew that it was just a matter of time before he was gone. And each day that I would go to bed, I switched off my phone with the silent terror of finding a missed call or an SMS in the morning that would confirm that the worst had happened. But still I hoped – just as I expect that everyone in the family did – that a miracle was possible and that we would hear of a spectacular recovery. He passed on on 13th October 2010.

  Around this time last year, I remember having a feeling of dread that I had to shrug off in order to get through my day. And as I think about this feeling, it takes me back to the days when we were little boys in the village with Harun. I remember that one day a bigger and more vicious boy called Manje threatened to hurt me if I dared step on the common playground. I do not remember what I had done to tick him off. And since he was known for being a real bully, the terror of expecting to be beaten if I went to the playground was real.

  I do now know how long I avoided going to there, or whether I would sneak for a while when the bully was there or not. But I know that the dread was a constant companion. And then one day, I came face to face with him. Harun was next to me. We were both paralyzed and didn’t know what to do. Instinctively, I knew that I had to face whatever it was that he would do to me. And as expected, he broke off a big stick from a branch from a tree next to the road and began whipping me. I wailed in pain and he just went on beating me on my back with the stick. And I was just there being whipped and not knowing how to defend myself when suddenly it happened; Harun just launched himself physically on Manje in anger and told him that he couldn’t whip me any more. It was almost comical given that he was much younger than me. And just as easily as he was whipping me, Manje turned his wrath on Harun and whipped the small boy as mercilessly as he was previously whipping me. After the whipping was complete, Harun and I both walked home crying and in great humiliation from the incident.

  I do not remember what happened after that. But I remember that I have a brother who defended me when I could not defend myself. And he defended me when he was even less capable of defending himself than I was myself. For that I will always remember my brother Harun with great pride.

  My other brother is called Joe. There was a time when I was far away and felt like I was lost and I didn’t know who to talk to, or even what to tell them if they were to listen. But I remember that in those days, we would communicate a lot on email. Which was unexpected because I didn’t even know that he could write and well as he does. And so, I would sit down and describe the things that I see and the way that I felt in much the same way that I am doing now. My brother would read my email and respond promptly with rejoinders that were funny and light and yet deep and thought provoking. And it made me feel that I was in touch with someone who knew me, and what I was going through. Other than that, he is my fan, and is always interested in what I do and cheers me on. His cheering always makes me feel like a guy in the middle of a marathon race who is contemplating dropping out but suddenly hears his name being shouted from the crowd on the roadside as he is being urged on. Now, that guy has a reason to finish the marathon!

  Now, those are my two brothers.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes