Black Butterfly

• Where do I stand?

  Posted: July 1, 2008, 5:56 am by mwari

  
  

  It’s natural for me to allow what others want to be important that what I want or even what I need.  It’s not something that I am particularly proud of.  In fact, until recently, i didn’t even realize i did it.  It was just a part of what I did.  It’s a hard thing to admit that you allow others happiness to be more important that what is best for you.  But, I can’t do that anymore.  From now on, I am going to do what is best for me.  That doesn’t mean that I will not be a giving person. But, I want to make decisions based on what I believe is best for me.  This issue comes up because I met a new guy.  And the one thing that I am not going to do is be physically intimate with this guy (until he has a ring on my finger).  I know it sounds like i’m jumping the gun, but I need to be sure where i stand.  The emotional baggage that comes with not ending up with a guy whom i’ve been with is something that I cannot handle.  Seriously, it would take another decade for me to get out of that roller coaster.  I admit this is a decision that is not easy.  I have never done this before, but I am adamant that this is what’s up. When the time is right, I will have this discussion with this guy.  If we’re not on the same page – spiritually, emotionally, and physically- then I’d rather not be involved with him in any way.  I am more than aware that the devil is always ready to pounce on you when you make a decision like this, so I’m asking God to walk with me on this one.  I can’t do it alone.  I told my bff this, and she said “are you serious? I don’t know about all that.”  Well, I’m here to prove to her that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  If this guy is the real deal, he will respect my decision.  And if he’s not, then i’d rather know now than later.  

• First Date

  Posted: July 1, 2008, 5:19 am by mwari

  
  

  Yesterday, me and the new guy went out on a date. Our First Date.  The uneasiness that comes into play when you first meet a guy is always there.  A weird nervousness.  But, it was a nice day.  We met for late lunch and drinks and watched the Euro Cup final.  Nice.  Then we went to the park, for some one-on-one time.  It was really a day made for the movies.  The weather was perfect, the company even better.  We cuddled and snuggled, and just talked.  Played the word game - what do you first think of when I say this word. It even sprinkled and then it rained. Didn’t I tell you this was made for the movies.  We shared our first kiss under the rain.  I spent all day thinking that I imagined all of this.  I am all giddy and full of butterflies and I want to remember the feeling that I had/have for a long time.  It’s just nice living in the moment.  He called me today to wish me a good day.  Sweet.  We’ll see where this goes.   

• Be Cool

  Posted: July 1, 2008, 5:11 am by mwari

  
  

  Written on Sat. June 28

  Last night I met a guy.  I had first noticed him when he entered the restaurant and walked around saying hello to everyone.  Initially, all i thought of him, was he’s choclaty. Nice. Then he spoke and didn’t sound like a complete idiot.  Little did I know that he had already scoped me out.  So, we ended up talking, and for the first time, in a really long time, I didn’t even notice when 2 a.m rolled by.  He’s a decent guy (based on first impressions).  As far as where he lies on “my list” (created a mere two days ago), he has some of the qualities.  He was respectful, he is into his family, he’s intelligent, was a former teacher.  It’s just soooo crazy that we met only a week before I leave town. After we left the club, he called to make sure that I got home safe, and then we ended up talking until 4am.  

  But, I am really trying to be cool.  I don’t want to sabotage this and fall flat on my face. The only drawback (and i’m not even sure why it is) is that’s he’s 8 years older than I am.  I think i’m okay with that.  I don’t want to rush any of this.  I want the lessons that I have learn this past year to mean something.  The amount of pain and heartache that I have endured in the last few years are enough to keep me extremely guarded.  I’m happy to have spent time with someone who seems to genuinely dig me. It’s a nice feeling I must admit.  And it really makes me wonder what I’ve been doing with EL.  For the first time in a really long time, I didn’t think of EL. And when i did there was no pain or anger.  More like relief.  Like, thank God he was such a jerk, cuz I probably wouldn’t have recognized what a nice guy looks like.  Even if this doesn’t work out, even if it is a fleeting moment, I am thankful to have met a nice guy who made me feel special and feel that I deserve to be treated this way.  I know God works in mysterious ways (and He has a wonderful sense of humor) - this one seems to be one of them.  Thank you Lord for shining this moment for me.  I truly feel like it will all be okay!

   

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Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes